


Waiting for Love to Strike

by JLaw1105



Series: At Last [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Football | Soccer, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-05-28 21:37:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 272,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6346363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JLaw1105/pseuds/JLaw1105
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the death of her father, Clarke Griffin had lost everyone that she had cared about and all she had left was the sport that made her feel most connected to him.  So with nothing left to keep her home, the college freshman left for her first year of school with a hope of replacing all that she`d lost.  But when her new soccer captain, Lexa Woods, turns out to be more of a dictator than a teammate will Clarke find that she's in over her head?  Or will she find herself ready to take the plunge when love strikes?</p><p>Waiting for Love to Strike is a modern day college AU that is rated mature mostly for later chapters.  The central mold of the story takes place among a college soccer team but will focus less on soccer and more on the girls involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home Sweet Home

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, All!
> 
> It's been years since I've written anything and hopefully you will enjoy it. It will be a slow work up so please be patient and let me know what you think!

The rhythmic, even thumping of the train against the tracks seemed to match the pace of her own heart which seemed to thump just as loudly in her chest. And as she watched the houses and trees whip past her window she felt herself getting further and further away from the life that she was ready to leave behind.

Twelve months ago Clarke would have thought that leaving home for college would have made her feel anxious but one year is a long time and so much had happened. She wasn't even sure she could call the place that she was leaving home anymore. It was a place she no longer recognized.

It had been her mother, her father and herself her entire life and while she knew that there was no such thing as a perfect life, a perfect family, she had felt that she has as close to that as one could get. Her mother was a respected heart surgeon, one of the top in her field. And while she wasn't always around, the amount of love she showered on Clarke and her father when she was home seemed to make up for any lost time. Her father was a high powered lawyer who somehow never missed a single one of Clarke`s soccer games. He worked late nights, worked on weekends, did whatever it took to not miss a single game of the sport that meant everything to his daughter.

And she was good, damn good. She was named one of the top high school soccer players in the state in her sophomore year. By her junior year she had received dozens of college offers and took an early acceptance to Camp Raton University located in TonDC. It had one of the best girl`s soccer programs on the East Coast and was only a three hour train ride from home which meant that she would still be able to see Finn on weekends.

She had started dating Finn her freshman year and the two had become inseparable. They talked about their future constantly. She would become a world class soccer star, he would become a world famous musician. They would get married when they were 25 and have kids when they were 30. And everything seemed to be falling perfectly into place. Too perfect to be true apparently.

Everything fell to pieces three months ago. She sat in the waiting room, watching her mother pace around the room in her scrubs. When Dr. Kane walked through the door he had a sad look in his eyes, they were glossed over. He had been her father`s best friend from childhood, who had introduced her mother to her father when they met in medical school. "I`m so sorry, Abby..." and her mother screamed, Clarke couldn't bring herself to move. The room went silent and she couldn't hear Kane, but could see him mouthing _heart attack_ and _everything we could_.

Her father`s death was the lynch pin that brought her world to its knees. Her mother had stopped coming home, taking as many shift as she could manage at the hospital drowning herself in work. So she had turned to Finn for comfort, for family. But everything before that day had been the two of them together when both their lives were perfect. It`s like Finn had no idea what to do around this girl who cried often and seldom smiled, who stopped being fun and wanting to go to parties. And soon he too stopped coming over as much, and then he stopped coming at all.

So all she had left was soccer and this new life in front of her. And even that already wasn't going to plan. She was supposed to have arrived to training camp two months ago but with everything that had happened her new Coach had told her to take the summer to focus on herself. And she had. She had spent hours on the pitch that her dad had built her in their backyard running drills and taking shots. Kicking around that black and white ball made her feel closer to her father. She could almost hear him cheering her on. The thought of him in the stands made her smile as the train screeching and grounding to a halt pulled her attention back to the present.

She didn't have much with her when she stepped onto the platform, just a suitcase and her soccer bag. Most of her belongings had been sent to the dorm last week. She looked around to see a girl about her age, holding up a sign that said "Griffin" in bold black letters. She looked Hispanic, dark brown hair, brown eyes. She was toned and looked to be just slightly shorter than herself, maybe 5`5".

Clarke took a deep breath in and looked up to the sky as she said to herself _"Alright, Dad, it's time to start new."_ She stepped forward to meet the girl and start her new life.

\----------

"So I'm really the only freshman that had been accepted to the team this year?" The girl that had picked Clarke up was her new roommate, Raven Reyes, who played defensive right back.

"That's right," the Raven said "our newest member to the Cru." Raven had picked up Clarke and had driven her straight to the sports facility to introduce her to the team that was currently practicing.

"The Cru?" Clare asked, "Isn't our mascot the Timbers?"

Raven laughed "We are, but when I joined here last year I was told that we've called ourselves the Cru for as long as women's soccer had been brought to this school. Something about fighting the man. I don't know. Here we are!"

Clarke could smell the grass, it reminded her very much of childhood. She then heard the voices yelling to each other in the distance. And as she stepped into the stands, walking towards the girls below she could feel her tension falling away. The soccer pitch would forever be her home.

They stopped at the end of the stands and watched the practice below. "The girl in the net is Joan Harper." Clarke watched the tall blonde bounce side to side, moving her head back and forth to stretch her neck as she pointed to the girl in the middle of the pitch who was holding the ball at her feet. This girl looked like she had a wildness to her, her legs looked like they were made for speed. "And that`s Octavia Blake on the ball."

Then a whistle sounded. Immediately a movement on the far side of the field caught her eye. There were two girls running towards the keeper. The one closest to Clarke had dark skin and very short hair "Indra" Raven said, but she was not the one that caught her eye, it was the girl running behind her with wavy locks pulled into a braid behind her head, hand held straight in the air.

Tattoos ran up and down her right arm which was clearly calling out for the ball. She could see the muscularity to her biceps, to her forearms. Her legs were long and thighs were thick and dancing up the field looking like they belonged on a field more than any other legs she had seen. Clarke wasn't even sure what that meant, she just felt it to be true.

And then the ball was soaring in the air. The brunette stopped hard fast, like a bullet hitting an immovable object. Then her left shoulder dropped down, swinging the girl so that her body was now between the ball and her defender. One step, two, she launched her body skyward, the ball hitting her chest and bouncing perfectly down to where her momentum was taking her, the ball landing at her feet where she ran full speed to the right of the field. Then she stopped, and it was too late for the defender to take notice as she barreled past the girl and the ball, leaving only the keeper in her way.

Clarke`s heart was racing. The shot was beautiful, a bullet into the corner or the net. Harper had launched her entire body at it, but without success. "And who the hell is she?"

But as she turned to Raven, she saw the girl beside her wince. She managed to get out "that pass wasn't far enough to the right" around the same time the brunette turned with rage in her voice as she yelled "What the hell Blake?" And was running back up the field to the girl who had passed the ball who clearly knew she had messed up, a look of anguish on her face.

"Were you just launching the ball up the field, sending it to me with a wish and a prayer?" She stopped a good five yards up the field from the girl and Clarke could no longer hear what was being said. The girl was motioning her hands pointing her arm more at an angle as opposed to straight at goal where Octavia had kicked it. The girl just nodded her head, looking intensely at the hands motioning into the air.

"Again!" the brunette yelled "Monroe, on me." And this time a girl with light brown hair and a smaller frame lined up into the defensive position. The whistle went off again.

"Did she really just chew out that girl for being a meter or two off target?" Clarke didn't mean to ask it out loud but it was as if she couldn't stop her mouth from speaking.

A sigh came from Raven. "We don't call her the Commander for nothing. That's Lexa Woods, she's our captain, though I recommend never calling her Captain unless you want your head chewed off." She could feel Raven looking at her, seeing the trepidation in her face "She seems harsh on the pitch, it's all business out there and that's the only way she'll have it. But there's a reason we are the defending champions. There's a reason we haven't lost a single game since she's been on this team. Just try not to take it personally." She offered an apologetic smile but it didn't settle Clarke`s uneasiness.

"And you must be Clarke Griffin." Clarke turned to see an older woman standing just below them. "I`m Coach Sydney. Why don't you two come join us down here on the pitch." And then she turned and yelled out "Woods!" and motioning the Commander over who didn't seem pleased to be pulled away while in the middle of now tearing into her newest defender.

They all arrived in front of the coach at the same time. Just feet from Lexa Woods, Clarke was able to get a much closer look at the woman. She was definitely toned, broad shoulders and tight arms. Her right seemed to display an intricate tribal tattoo with the numbers 110510 written on the inside of her forearm.

The sweat on her torso made her low v-neck shirt stick to her body, a flat toned stomach with the hint of abs and an average sized chest which pushed up in her sports bra. Her jaw was strong and tightly angled and her lips full. But what Clarke could not manage to look away from were the girl`s eyes. Clarke could feel her mouth go dry. They were a dark, piercing green, like a forest in the early morning sunlight. They reminded her of the woods behind her house that her and her father would explore on Sunday mornings when Jake Griffin wanted to get Clarke out of the house to let his wife sleep in.

The look in Lexa`s eyes went from surprise to curiosity and then annoyance. She shifted, standing straighter and folding her hands behind her back. Clarke was beginning to think that she took this Commander business a little too seriously. "So this is her then?" There was something rough about her voice that made something flutter deep in Clarke`s stomach.

"This is Clarke Griffin." Raven responded from beside her. She noticed that her roommate was a little more composed, more professional than she was before. Almost like a soldier preparing for orders.

Lexa tilted her head and looked Clarke up and down, the fluttering in her stomach intensified. "I play right midfield," she said with a smile on her face.

"I guess we'll see about that tomorrow," then she turned away from Clarke and looked at Raven. "Reyes, go ahead and bring her over tonight." And with that Lexa nodded at her coach and turned away before returning to the field and yelling "Again!" Leaving Clarke to wonder what the hell she had gotten herself into.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it so far! Feel free to reach our or to follow me on Tumblr. My user name is the same as it is here: [JLaw1105](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jlaw1105).


	2. Welcome Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Clarke could feel all the eyes in the room shift onto her and she suddenly began to feel nervous. She seemed very aware that the girls in this room made up the core of the team that she was eager to be a part of. And the way Lexa was looking at her made her think that one misspoken word could mean a very hard road for her in the near future. It also made goosebumps rise on her shoulders, all the heat in her body traveling downwards. Her mouth was too dry to speak."
> 
> We will also get our first Lexa POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys,
> 
> Don`t get used to me updating so quickly. I'm hoping to get one, maybe two of these chapters out a week. This chapter is a bit longer than the last one and there is a little bit of mature content at the end. Enjoy!

"So let me get this straight," Clarke said to Raven as they rode the train off campus and into the heart of TonDC. "Her freshman year here she was promoted to Second and then became Captain when the acting Captain broke her ankle the second game of the season and she's been the Captain ever since?"

"Commander," Raven corrected. "And she`s going to be joining the national team this summer when the season is over."

Clarke didn't doubt the woman's abilities. She only saw her make a single run down the pitch and everything about it screamed perfection. _"That isn't the only thing about her that screamed perfection."_ She blushed at the thought unsure of what it meant.

"And she demands that you call her Commander?"

Raven shifted in her seat, clearly trying to find the right response. "Apparently the way she ruled with an iron fist that first year earned her the name. I mean, you have this freshman who should keep their nose down coming in and taking over? When I joined last year it was all anyone called her. And I've never heard a single person call her anything but that when they're in that building, on that pitch. It seems disrespectful."

Clare nodded, looking out the window. She noticed that the further in they drove, the nicer the buildings outside had become. "So where is this dinner at?"

"It`s at the Commander`s place. And here we are."

Raven led Clarke off the train and to the door of a building that stood about fifteen stories tall, the tallest building for miles. The building itself looked as if it were made of glass. Clarke whistled and Raven laughed. "Trust me, Griffin, it's even nicer inside."

When they got into the elevator Raven pressed the button for the top floor. Clarke had been expecting to see several apartment unit doors when they got off the elevator, instead there was just one. "The penthouse suite?" Clarke asked.

The other girl just shrugged. "It`s a four bedroom apartment. Indra and Octavia live here as well." Raven pulled out a key, "and as O is my best friend, I get to spend a good amount of time here."

Raven had been right, the apartment was beautiful. The door opened up into what appeared to be the dining room, a rustic wooden table with eight chairs laid around it, the two at the ends had higher backings and wide arms, almost looking more like simplistic thrones than chairs. Iron fittings hanged from the wall with candles laying all around them, the candlelight making dancing color against the white walls. A large chandelier dangled above the table with electric lighting that were made to look as if they were candles.

Just beyond the dining table was the kitchen. There was a granite countertop island at the center of it with a bowl of fruit. It looked spotless, not a single dish inside the sink. Had it not been for the intoxicating smell of lemon, rosemary and chicken wafting from the oven she wasn't sure she would have believed that anyone had made dinner that evening.

Clarke followed Raven into the living room where the occupants of the building were lounging around, with wine glasses. Octavia sat on the far left side of a long white sofa which sat as deep as a day bed, wearing jeans and a Guns N Roses t-shirt and was leaning forward talking to Indra who was rolling her eyes. Indra was sitting on a red chair wearing a plain beige t-shit and black pants.

On the other side of the large sofa was Lexa. She was sitting with her back against the arm rest, left leg fully extended across the cushions and right leg bent as she was using her knee to balance her arm that held a book that she was reading. She was wearing torn blue jeans and a black sleeveless t-shirt that drooped at the arms down to naval height showing off a bright green bra and just below it another tattoo with a very bold equals sign. She knew it to mean a sign for marriage and civil rights equality, some people in her hometown had been sporting the symbol on bumperstickers. She never knew anyone dedicated enough to the cause to get it permanently inked into their skin.

"Raven, will you please tell your friend here that getting laid would not make me perform any better on the soccer field?"

Instead it was the Commander who responded to Indra, looking up from her book and at Octavia "If the amount of sex one has is proportional to their soccer performance, there would be no need for me to yell at you constantly on the pitch." A small, wicked smile played on her lips. "Though maybe you and Lincoln are doing it wrong, have you thought about having an expert critique your form?"

Octavia blushed but turned to the brunette and stuck out her tongue which only made Lexa smile wider as she said "Yeah, that there is definitely bad form." Raven laughed and Clarke could feel heat rising to her own cheeks.

"The Commander is definitely the expert there." Raven proclaimed.

"Reyes knows a thing or two about playing for multiple teams better than I do, though. I nominate her to be your coital judge."

"Can someone so indecisive really be a good judge though?" Indra quipped to Lexa`s retort.

Eager to change the subject, Octavia stood up. "And you must be the new Freshman we've all heard so much about."

Clarke could feel all the eyes in the room shift onto her and she suddenly began to feel nervous. She seemed very aware that the girls in this room made up the core of the team that she was eager to be a part of. And the way Lexa was looking at her made her think that one misspoken word could mean a very hard road for her in the near future. It also made goosebumps rise on her shoulders, all the heat in her body traveling downwards. Her mouth was too dry to speak.

"Let's grab dinner first," Lexa responded, rising from the couch. There was a grace in her movements, "and then we can let the Inquisition begin."

They sat around the table, Lexa at the head of it, Indra to her right with Raven beside her. Octavia was to the left and Clarke filled in the next chair. Someone had poured Raven and Clarke a glass of Cabernet and while Clarke didn't know much about wine she couldn't help but think it was likely an expensive wine. Everything in this apartment seemed expensive.

She had learned quite a bit over dinner. Indra and Lexa had come from the same neighborhood and had grown up together. Indra had lived on one of the reservations inside the town of Polis which belonged to the Trikru tribe and Lexa had lived on the outskirts of it. Their friendship appeared odd to Clarke. It wasn't warm and affectionate as all of her friendships had been in the past. It seemed more subdued, as if built more out of respect than enjoyment.

Octavia was a sophomore and had been roommates with Raven last year. She had a brother, Bellamy, who was a year older than her and was a wide receiver on the school`s football team which was how she met Lincoln who was a running back. The two had been dating for the last year and apparently still went at it like rabbits, which while Clarke really did not want to know, enjoyed the way her friends teased her.

"And what about you, Clarke? Is there anyone waiting for you back at home?" The question made Clarke`s stomach roll, she took another drink of wine.

"I had a boyfriend, Finn, but we broke it off last month." She didn't care to elaborate and tried to change the focus off of her "And how about you, Raven, any boyfriend?"

Lexa laughed. "Yeah, Raven, what side of the fence are you on today? There are these twins in my stats class: one boy, one girl. Want me to introduce you? Then you can give them both a whirl and decide which you prefer." The way Lexa said it made it sound like playful teasing. It wasn't a judgement against Raven, just fun jousting that sounded like it was a common topic amongst the two.

Raven scoffed. "You call it being bisexual, I call it doubling my chances." She paused "Are the twins hot?"

It was only then that Lexa`s previous comments about being a coital judge clicked in Clarke`s head. She had nothing against Raven`s sexual orientation, but she had to admit that she also hadn't really been exposed to it. She had come from the small town of Arkadia where everyone knew everyone's name and rumors spread across the entire city like wildfire. If anyone had been gay at her last school, they kept it quiet.

"And how about you, Commander, any boyfriends?" She knew it was all in her mind but the question tasted sour in Clarke`s mouth. What she wasn't expecting was the incredulous look that took over Lexa`s face or the immediately laughter coming out of Raven and Octavia.

"Oh, my God," Raven got out between bursts of laughter, "when was the last time someone questioned your sexual orientation, Commander?" And she was laughing again and Clarke could almost feel a blanket of embarrassment wash over her.

"My second year of high school maybe?" Lexa responded, shaking her head. "Griffin, exactly how small is that town of yours?"

It was then that Lexa`s phone began to buzz, and before she could grab it, Octavia had swiped it off the table. "Who is `Cindy Southern Accent`?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Some girl she swiped from me at breakfast this morning," Raven replied and Lexa just shrugged.

"I couldn't resist. I haven't had a girl with a strange accent in awhile."

"What about Allison Taylor?"

Lexa looked confused, then something clicked. "You mean `Ally Tramp Stamp`? So I guess it's been three weeks." Then she paused "Which is a long time."

"Your system of giving these girls nicknames is both offensive and brilliant," Raven remarked.

"I like to think it`s more brilliant."

Clarke spoke up. "So speaking of nicknames, besides the Commander, do any of you guys have nicknames?" Lexa`s smirk started to drop and Clarke quickly wondered if she was offended over the fact that she called it a nickname.

"Not really," said Raven, "mostly we go by our last names when we`re out on the field. How about you, did you have a nickname on your high school team?"

"Wanheda" and Clarke could feel a sense of pride rising inside of her. It had been a long time since she had heard the name spoken. She had felt so free, so powerful on the field.

"You speak Trigedasleng?" It was the first time Indra had addressed her directly.

"No, but one of the girls on my last team did. She gave me that name."

"What does it mean?" Octavia asked, but Lexa responded before Clarke could.

"Commander of Death." There was a silence. Clarke had always understood it to be `bringer of death`. She suddenly felt like she was stepping on Lexa`s title. "I don't know if you really look like a Wanheda to me, maybe more of a Prisa." And at that Indra started laughing.

"And what exactly does that mean?" Clarke asked. She didn't know the word but the tone suggested that it wasn't a compliment. She could start feeling her blood boil.

"It means Princess," Indra choked out.

Clarke could feel her jaw tighten and her nostrils start to flare. There was a small prick against the palm of her hand where her nails were digging into her skin as she clenched her fists. Where the hell did these two get off? What the hell had she ever done to them? That was her name, her title, her memories. And as she contemplated giving them a piece of her mind Raven stood up.

"Well we all have an early day tomorrow it's probably best that Clarke and I head out." And with that she was grabbing Clarke`s arm and leading her to the front door.

As they opened the door Clarke saw a bubbly looking girl with light brown hair, hazel eyes, chest nearly bursting out of her shirt. "Hi, is Lexa home?" There was no missing the thick southern accent.

"Hey Cindy," Raven said as she motioned inside and yelled out that Lexa`s friend was here, putting a teasing tone on the word _friend_. And with that, the two girls headed back to the dorms.

\----------

It made absolutely no sense.

Lexa could see the girl`s mouth moving and she was able to nod her head and smile at the right moments, for the right response, but it was like this girl - Cindy she reminded herself - was a thousand miles away.

They were sitting on the day bed she had bought for the roof for moments just like this to give her company and herself complete privacy from her roommates. Cindy was twirling her brown hair around her finger, laughing about, well, Lexa couldn't even say what. But she let out a laugh which seemed to be the right response. All Lexa could see was blue.

Those eyes were the brightest shade of blue that Lexa had ever seen, like pools that she found herself wanting to swim in. And the icy water of them sent chills down her spine every time she starred deeply into them. And if not those eyes, then it was the girls lips that had her running her tongue across the roof of her mouth, desperate to explore the softness of them. It was the curve of her neck, and the suppleness of how her breasts appeared to be beneath her shirt, the way her thighs flexed when she crossed her legs. She wanted to explore every every inch with her mouth, with her tongue, with her hands. She could feel a pulsing sensation between her legs.

The feeling wasn't just lust, she had known that feeling before. And whatever this feeling was it transcended that. Because while she wanted so desperately to touch Clarke, she also found herself deeply interested in everything the girl said. She felt herself melting under the sound of her laugh and Lexa had found herself making far more jokes than she normally would. And whatever this feeling was, it was raging an internal struggle inside her head.

She had been in love once, and the feeling was a soft burn that had flown through her. She had been lustful and that had felt like an explosion, a deep pop of feeling that lasted very shortly. But this? This felt like an electric shock coursing through her, radiating through her body, making it buzz and come alive. She was a live wire of thrill and excitement. And even now, when this girl had been gone half an hour it still pulled at her, filling her mind with blue and yellow and full lips. And her mind told her that it was a mistake, that she needed to forget the girl, that she needed to hate this sensation. She needed to protect herself.

But at the moment her body had overcome her mind and she closed her eyes trying to remember the smell of the girl, it was sweet like Vanilla. And as she opened her eyes the girl in front of her was transformed. Long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, beaconing lips. She couldn't take it anymore and roughly ran her hand to the back of the girl`s head and pulled her deep in for the kiss.

There was a groan against her lips as Lexa pulled at the girl`s bottom lip with her teeth, her hands grasping at the bottom of her shirt and ripping it over her head, returning her mouth to the girls lips the instant the fabric passed. And then her hands were exploring. The curves of her waist, the firmness of her stomach, she softness of her chest. Her hand stung as she moved across her flesh and her body screamed that she needed more.

And she was lifting the blonde in her arms and flipping her onto her back against the bed and her mouth moved hungrily against her throat as her hands fumbled to undue the clasp on her jeans, yanking down the top of her pants just enough to comfortably get her hands between her thighs. And there was groaning now, she wasn't sure if it was Clarke`s or her own. And then an intake of breath as she felt a warm wetness against her fingers.

And then there were nails at Lexa`s back, pulling her in, begging her so she obliged. One finger in, then two. And she buried her head against the girl`s neck, into the blonde hair the scent of vanilla filling her lungs. And she went deeper, faster, found a rhythm that made the girl respond wildly. And as the walls tightened against her fingers she found herself gasping "Wanheda" and the girl roared.

And as they both sat there gasping for breath Lexa felt herself smiling wildly. And then the girl spoke. "I've never felt anything that intense before. Wow," and a pause "What does `Wanheda` mean?"

Lexa turned, and it wasn't Clarke laying beside her, it was Cindy. The cute southern accent made her heart drop down into her stomach and she felt sick. "It's not something that you can really translate into English." This pleased the girl even more.

Lexa got up and retrieved the t-shirt she had launched across the roof before handing it to the girl. "I`m really sorry, Cindy, but I have a really early morning and I need to get some sleep. Let me call you a ride home."

And as Lexa lay in bed alone she felt empty, something she hadn't felt in a really long time. There was nothing that felt worse than not being able to feel anything at all. And as her mind drifted back to those blue eyes, she found herself hating the girl that they belonged to.


	3. Dreams and Desires

Clarke laid in bed, starring at the ceiling above her counting her smooth even breaths. She had woken up about an hour prior and upon seeing only darkness outside she decided not to move in fear of waking her roommate who every now and again had let out a soft snore that would pull her out of her own thoughts.

She had contemplated trying to go back to sleep but her dreams had been disturbing and the feeling of not wanting to relive them outweighed her body's desire to sleep just an hour or two more. But even as she lay in bed, she found that even awake she could not escape the images of the green eyed brunette forcibly pulling her in for a kiss, her fingers gripping locks of her hair and softly tugging.

When she first woke she had bolted upright, sweat beading her forehead, her breathing ragged. It took her a minute to realize where she was, in a small dorm room with two beds and plain walls. Home. And as she ran her hands through her hair to calm herself all she could see was the brunette in her dream tugging at her hair and she let out a groan, falling back against the bed and onto her pillow.

She didn't know where to start deciphering the dream`s meaning. She had never felt this way before. She had only ever been intimate with one other person and that was Finn who was clearly all male. The thought of a woman had never crossed her mind in that way before. But even as she thought it, she knew the statement to be somewhat untrue. On occasion she would find herself starring at one of the girls on her soccer team, or at one she passed at the mall and she would imagine herself running her hands along their body. She would shake it off and chalk the incident up to hormonal curiosity, telling herself that everyone likely had these thoughts before and that they didn't mean anything. But the vivid and erotic nature of this latest dream was very hard to deny.

She kept telling herself that there was no way that she could possibly be interested in Lexa. The woman was cold and held herself as if she were better, more important than the people around her. The way she yelled at people on the pitch at practice yesterday had been deplorable and she had felt a strong urge to shove something down her throat to make her shut up, unfortunately the object she wanted to shove down the Commander`s throat was her own tongue.

And then there was no denying the strong contrast between how it had felt thinking about Finn and about how she was thinking about Lexa. When she had thought about Finn running his hands along her body it had felt warm and nice, altogether something pleasant that she enjoyed. With Lexa, it was the complete opposite. It was as if she had been dropped into a bath of ice water and she could feel her entire body shivering from the intensity of it. And she couldn't say that the feeling was pleasant, it was uncomfortable. The desire, the need was far too strong and she had no semblance of control. Her body reacted without thought or reason.

She didn't want to think about her. She focused merely on calming her breath, counting each one. In through her nose, out through her mouth, feeling her chest rise and fall. She stayed that way until the Saturday sun began to rise, pouring beams of light onto her face, covering it with warmth. She took one final deep breath in before getting up to take a very cold shower.

\----------

"Maya! In what world is defending on your heels acceptable?"

Clarke was leaning over with her hands on her knees, sweat dripping off her nose, her lungs faintly crying for rest. She was watching as the Commander was standing in front of the sheepish looking brunette who had failed to block a move that Clarke had made against her, easily faking the girl out to the right. Lexa was in a defensive position, body low, arms wide and exaggerating the way she was putting her weight onto her toes.

Maya mimicked the motion, nodding her head with a tight jaw and straight lips. If the Commander`s roaring and piercing eyes had any affect on her, she didn't show it. "Indra," the Commander yelled, pointing to Maya and signaling for Indra to repeat the exercise. And as Indra came at the girl with the ball, trying to move to the right Maya was able to get her feet out in time to poke the ball off trajectory.

"Raven," she called to the girl who was working on the same drill, defending an onslaught from Octavia. The brunette ran over. "You and Griffin, a 200 meter sprint."

This was Clarke`s first practice with the team, the last one before classes started on Monday. Lexa was clearly trying to size everyone up, but Clarke had felt as if she were watching her more than the others.

She blew a whistle and both girls were off. Clarke felt liberated and free, pushing the feeling of fatigue setting into her legs at the back of her mind. Two hours into practice and Clarke could feel that she was falling out of shape. She hadn't worked enough agility over the last two months and she was more sluggish than she would have liked. But she could feel the strength of her legs as her muscles surged, the sureness of her arms as they pumped at her side.

She was half way down the field when she started to pull away from Raven, passing the other end of the field a good second and a half ahead of her roommate. Both girls stood there, chests heaving up and down, trying to pull oxygen into their lungs, smiling at one another. She understood why so many people would not like the burning sensation she felt now, but to Clarke it was euphoric.

"Griffin, Woods, run it again." Clarke looked up to see their coach holding a stopwatch in her hands, a whistle hanging from her mouth. And the look on Lexa`s face as she jogged to the blonde seemed confident. Clarke wanted to remove that smug grin.

Clarke leaned down into a starting position which Lexa mimicked beside her. They were close, close enough that Clarke could feel the heat off Lexa`s body, the smell of something forest like filling her lungs. "Let's see what your made of, Princess." Anger rose in the blonde at the name.

Then the whistle sounded and they were off. The anger in Clarke`s veins made her surge forward, a faster start than the last. And as she pushed forward, wind at her hair she felt a momentary feeling of victory as she kept pace with the Commander. And then the feeling washed away. She could see Lexa look at her and shake her head at midfield before apparently letting go of whatever it was she was holding back. Lexa picked up her pace, a grueling one that Clarke could not match and she saw herself falling behind, lungs crying as she pushed herself beyond her limits but still without success.

The Commander had hit the other side of the field a good two seconds before the blonde and it looked as if the sprint had not even phased her. Clarke on the other hand found herself struggling to stay upright, shakily pulling for breath. And as she watched the Commander turn away from her, emphasizing with a look that she was clearly unimpressed, she called out to Octavia to run the next sprint with her. A whistle and the two of them were off, Lexa`s speed egging the other girl to keep up.

Clarke felt defeated.

\----------

"You showed good promise out there today, Clarke." Clarke turned to the girl who was in between shoveling pieces of meat and potato into her mouth. She was surprised Octavia could string together a full sentence at the pace in which she was eating. They had all met at the mess hall after cleaning up after practice and Clarke was eating with Octavia, Raven and Monroe.

"Thanks," she replied "though I'm not sure everyone would agree with you." Clarke looked across the room at the Commander who lazily had her arm draped around some redhead that was laughing much harder than was likely necessary for anything Lexa could have said.

According to Raven the girl was "Tiffany Red Hair" and was on the swim team.

"Try not to take it personally," Monroe said. "It takes awhile for the Commander to accept people to the team. Just keep your head down and put in the work."

"Much good it seems to do you guys," Clarke muttered, "She doesn't treat you all much better."

She looked down to the pressure against her forearm. Raven had grabbed her arm and gave a squeeze. She looked sympathetic. "She doesn't do it to make us feel bad, she does it to make us better. And yes, sometimes it seems more harsh than necessary but we`re all better for it. And she really does care in her own way. It's hard to see but give it time."

Clarke let out a puff of air, still discontent. "And honestly, how many girls does she sleep with? Wasn't she just inviting some different girl into her apartment last night?"

"Jealous?" Octavia quipped.

"Of course not," Clarke`s voice sounded higher than she meant for it to. "It's just aren't those the guys we all despised growing up? They went from girl to girl, disposing them like trash when they got what they wanted? Why is this any different?"

"No offense Clarke, but you really don't have any right to judge how Lexa lives her life." There was a flash of anger in Raven`s eyes. "You don't know what she's been through, and you sure as hell don't know what's going on in her mind. If you don't like the way she chooses to date others my suggestion is that you don't date her."

Clarke could feel a wave of embarrassment wash over. Raven was right, it was Lexa`s life and she had every right to choose how to live it the way she wanted. She could only imagine how many people had judged Raven in her life based solely on the fact that she chose to love people differently than most. She felt ashamed. Her dad had raised her to be a better person that that.

"I'm sorry, Ray, you're right. I'm just frustrated, and I know that's not a good excuse, there's no good excuse for being that person that thinks that others should live their lives the way they do. I swear I`m not that person." Her voice sounded small.

Raven gave her a small nod, seeming to accept the apology. Monroe just looked at Clarke and said "If you don't like Lexa as a person, that's okay. But we all have to work together. When you're with the team, you need to put those feelings aside."

Clarke nodded, and shoved a piece of steak in her mouth. It didn't taste as good to her now as it did before the subject of Lexa came up.

"Well if there's one thing we can all agree on is that I`m awesome." Octavia said trying to lighten the mood.

"And hot as hell," Raven finished with a whistling cat call.

"Of course she is, she's a Blake." The boy had walked up to the table without Clarke noticing, but he stood there now behind Octavia smiling from ear to ear. He had wavy brown hair and brown eyes and had to be at least six feet tall if not more. He stood with broad shoulders and a muscular physique. And he also had a strong resemblance to the girl in front of him.

"Then what's you're excuse?" Octavia said to the boy behind her.

He just smiled. "I'll just count myself as lucky to be in the presence of so many beautiful women." And he winked at Clarke who found herself smiling, trying not to laugh. "Though I can't say I know everyone here."

Octavia rolled her eyes, but obliged. "Bellamy, this is Clarke Griffin, she's the freshman we brought onto the team. Clarke, this is my brother Bellamy. Whatever you do, do not tell him that you're interested in football because if you do he won't shut up about it."

"You're on the football team, right?" Clarke asked, immediately receiving a glare from Octavia and an even wider smile from the boy.

"You don't follow directions well, do you" Raven asked just as Bellamy responded. "Yeah, I'm one of the starting receivers. You should come out to one of our games, I'd really like to see you there."

"Yeah, sure, maybe I can catch a game with Octavia."

"Great," he said beaming, "and maybe-"

But he was cut off before he had a chance to finish his sentence. "Bellamy, coach needs to see you." And another boy walked up, this one had an even more muscular build and stood an inch or two taller with darker skin and a shaved head. The way he was wrapping his arms around Octavia led her believe that this was her boyfriend Lincoln she had heard so much about.

"Well, Clarke, it was very nice meeting you," Bellamy said with a slightly downtrodden look. "I hope that I get to see a lot more of you in the future." And with that the boy was gone, leaving Clarke to wonder if he was flirting with her.

\----------

"Hey Raven, are you still awake?" They had turned out the lights about twenty minutes ago but Clarke had found herself unable to sleep.

"I was," the girl beside her mumbled. When Clarke gave no response Raven continued. "What`s up?"

"I just wanted to say again that I'm really sorry about what I said earlier."

"Really, it's fine. It wasn't as big of a deal as I made it out to be. You seem really cool and I'm sure you're not like that."

A few minutes of silence passed. "Raven?"

A groan. "Clarke?" Her name sounded more like a curse on Raven`s tongue.

"What if I said it because I was jealous?" This made the brunette sit up and stare at the blonde who was looking anywhere but at her roommate.

"Explain."

Clarke felt uncomfortable and immediately regretted saying anything at all. She felt a sudden urge to crawl out of her own skin. "I don't know. Honestly I'm feeling something I don't really understand. I'm straight, I always have been but when I'm around Lexa..." she trailed off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence.

Clarke turned to look at Raven as soon as she heard a whistle escape her roommate`s lips. "If you have a thing for Lexa Woods, you have much bigger problems than the Commander not liking you on the field. From what I've seen of about a quarter of the female student body at this school, having a thing for that girl surely means heartbreak."

 


	4. Ready, Aim, Fire!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one may be a little short but I should have the next one out on Thursday,

Math, English, Philosophy, Communications and Modern Literature. Clarke had managed to get all of her first year general education courses from nine in the morning until two in the afternoon on Mondays through Thursdays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays there was strength training for soccer from 7 in the morning until 8. Practice would be everyday during the week from three to five and on Saturdays from nine until noon. Additionally they were required to sit in study hall for at least two hours a week where they had access to tutoring.

Her schedule left little to no room for much of a social life outside of her team and the first week of it was a struggle. It didn't help that the Commander continually gave her a hard time every chance she got. Whatever weight she lifted, the Commander paired her up with someone who could lift more. Whenever they did sprints, she paired her up with either Octavia or herself. Whenever they worked on ladders she was paired up with Raven. During scrimmage games she was always placed on the B team, at left center.

She was constantly coming in second, never having much of a chance to shine and it was beginning to eat at her. The Commander didn't speak much to her and when she did she referred to her as `Princess`. And though it sounded completely asinine, it infuriated her to no end that the Commander hadn't once gotten into her face and yelled at her the way she did the other girls. Clarke could tell that it was her way of saying that Clarke wasn't worth her time.

It was two weeks into the semester that Clarke finally found herself cracking under the heaviness of everything being stacked upon her.

Clarke stood there, crouched with arms out as she watched Lexa charge at her, the ball dancing at her feet. The point of the drill was to try and defend a breakaway. Clarke was supposed to be the only thing between Lexa and goal and the only job she had was to make sure that Lexa couldn't pass.

She had succeeded the previous two times against Indra and Octavia. The Commander had seem dissatisfied and chose to put herself behind the ball. And as she dribbled the ball at her feet, Clarke tried to watch the sway of her shoulders to see which way the brunette would lean. Clarke jogged backwards and to the right, following the ball. And as Lexa got within striking range, Clarke saw her favor the left and Clarke spread her leg out to get it.

It was the right move, anyone else would have found themselves moving without the ball but what Clarke failed to realize was that her own shoulder movement had given her away a split second too soon which made the Commander pull up on the ball and instead kick it straight forward and right between Clarke`s now spread out legs. The Commander spun, circling her body around Clarke and back to the ball on the other side, leaving Clarke behind.

Defeated, Clarke stood up straight and placed both of her hands on top of her head trying to figure out what she had done wrong. It wasn't more than a few seconds later that the Commander dropped the ball at her feet and said "You forgot something there, Princess" and turned to walk away.

"Again," Clarke growled.

The Commander just turned and shook her head. "You have no idea how many times this summer I was told that we were going to be getting this amazing center fielder who was going to complete this team into one unstoppable unit. You're good, really, you are but I'm not looking to settle for good. Two weeks and I've yet to see what it was that made everyone that talked about you think that you were so damn special." She said it with a calm, quiet venom that made Clarke feel as if she had been slapped and her eyes had begun to sting.

She watched the Commander walk away, thirty yards down the field to Indra who handed her a bottle of water. They were talking, less than a foot apart, the water bottle in the Commander`s hand just above waist height. And as Clarke felt the anger boil over she looked down at the ball at her feet and then back up before she stepped back and took a run at the ball, kicking it with everything she had, an audible grunt escaping her lips.

It was but a half second later that the ball was crashing into the water bottle, sending it soaring in the air, the ball grazing the jerseys of both the Commander and Indra but never actually hitting either. And as both women turned, she saw the look of confusion on both faces.

To say it was a difficult shot would have been an understatement. It would have been a difficult shot from thirty feet let alone thirty yards. If the Commander wanted to know what it was that made Clarke so special, there it was, done for all to see and all eyes were watching. Clarke knew, despite all the self doubt she found herself fighting the last two weeks, that there was not a girl on this pitch that could shoot with as much precision as could.

Had she taken a look around the pitch she would have seen an impressed look from a majority of the girls around her and fear from the rest but she didn't look around. She refused to look at anyone but the Commander who looked neither, she looked livid. It look her less than a second to recover from her look of shock and another few to be standing a foot from Clarke`s face, her two extra inches in height had her looking down at her center back.

"What the hell were you trying to pull with that little stunt of yours, Princess?" Her voice sounded strained, trying to hold back the anger that was clearly there.

Clarke`s tone was cool and composed. "You wanted to know what people saw in me, I figured it would be easier to just show you."

"Do you make it a habit of shooting balls at your teammates? You could have hit one of us in the head!" The Commanders voice was rising, even more infuriated either with the blonde`s response or with her tone, maybe both - Clarke wasn't sure which.

With narrowed eyes and more confidence than she had felt in months Clark answered "If I wanted to hit either of you in the head with the ball, Commander," she said the title slowly, "I would have."

Clarke wasn't sure how long they stood there. She wasn't even sure at what point during the exchange that the two had inched closer together, now no more than three inches apart, starring heatedly into each other's eyes. The field around them remained silent. Lexa smelled like rose wood, sweat and something sweet Clarke couldn't really place. It was intoxicating, just as much as the fire behind those smoldering green eyes. Clarke squeezed her hands closed to keep them from running up Lexa`s body and to the back of her neck. She swallowed, the sound of it brining Lexa back into reality.

"While you may find yourself to be impressive, I find it to be incredibly stupid. Eight laps around the field, now." Clarke nodded and turned away then Lexa finished. "If you try anything like that again, Griffin, I will throw you off my pitch."

As Clarke ran laps around the field, watching the team return to practice she knew she was supposed to feel remorse for what she had done but she couldn't push down the feeling of happiness bubbling inside her. She had called her `Griffin`,

\----------

"That had to be one of the most badass things I've seen in a long while."

"I don't know, O, it seemed pretty reckless to me. I was standing there, five feet away from Clarke trying to figure out what we were going to write on her head stone." Raven shook her head and took a swig from her beer bottle.

Octavia scrunched up her lips together and looked up in thought. "Here lies Clarke Griffin who died from stupidity with balls the size of Polis."

Clarke laughed, taking a sip of hard cider. "Well it feels good to have survived."

"Let`s see if you feel the same way tomorrow after the Commander uses your little stunt against you at practice." Raven clearly didn't agree with the way Clarke had handled this afternoon`s situation.

"Come on, Ray, let the girl bask in her ignorance for a few more hours. It's not everyday that you can kick the ball at the Commander`s head, miss horribly, hit a water bottle, claim that was your plan the whole time, and then get away with it."

Clarke just shook her head smiling. "For the hundredth time, O, I wasn't aiming at the Commander`s head, I really was aiming at the bottle. It wasn't that hard of a shot."

"Not that hard of a shot? Maybe in the same way that quantum physics isn't that hard to learn."

"It isn't." said Raven.

"Oh, shut it. We can't all be brilliant engineers who relate more to Rain Man than the rest of the population." Raven and Octavia both glared at each other, trying hard not to smile.

"I think Clarke`s idiotic bravery calls for some sort of celebration. The football team is having a party at the Epsilon house and Bellamy keeps asking me to go, though I don't think it's really me that he wants to see tonight." Octavia gave Clarke an exasperated look and sighed. "I'm sure he wouldn't be bugging me about going if someone would stop trying to avoid him."

Clarke took another drink, trying not to look at her friend. It was true, she had spent the last two weeks avoiding the boy. He would stop her in the hallway and she would say that she was running late for class. She would see him in the dining area and decide to make her meal to-go. He had asked her twice to go to the party tonight and she said that she would have to think about it before escaping back down the halls.

She couldn't say she was entirely sure why she was avoiding him but she had a good idea. He was clearly interested in her, his flirting went from subtle to obvious. And he seemed like a great guy. From what she had seen and heard of him he was smart and funny and he wasn't bad on the eyes either. He was the kind of guy that girls swooned over, the kind of guy that girls wanted to date. And Clarke found herself chastising herself that she should want that too, the same part of her self-conscious that told her to stop thinking about Lexa the way she did. Bellamy was the good choice, he was the safe choice. Her heart yearned for neither good nor safe.

Clarke could feel Raven watching her intensely, trying to decipher her thoughts. "It's not that I'm avoiding him, O, it's just been a hard two weeks. I had an idea in my mind how all of this was supposed to be playing out and just nothing seems to be going right."

"Nothing?" asked Raven.

Clarke gave her a small smile. "Other than the two of you, Monroe and Harper? Not really."

Octavia gave her an apologetic smile before chugging the rest of her beer. "I'll let Bell know that you just couldn't make it. But don't worry, being the great friend that I am, I'll be sure to get laid in your honor tonight in celebration." And gave her a wicked smile before leaving.

Raven turned to Clarke once she was sure that Octavia was out of earshot and smiled slyly. "The question is: whose name should she be moaning on your behalf tonight, Lexa`s or Bellamy`s?"

Clarke turned red and said "Her moaning out her brother`s name would be extremely disturbing."

"And Lexa`s?"

Clarke thought a long moment and took a long drink, it wasn't lost on Raven that the blonde didn't say a word.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and all the love! Things will start to move along in the next couple of chapters. I hope you all are enjoying it!


	5. The World Needs Compassion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there`s some more soccer scenes in this one and we get to see a softer side of Lexa before getting a glimpse of what's inside her head as Clarke struggles between the two very different sides of the girl she sees.

The smell of dirt and fresh cut grass filled Clarke`s lungs as she gasped for breath, her face buried on the pitch floor for the third time today. Raven had told her yesterday that she may not be so happy about surviving yesterday's antics during today's practice. She lay there groaning, a dull pain pulsing on her knee reminding herself to tell Raven that she had been right.

Saturday's practice had started off like most practices usually did with stretching, sprinting and running drills but the Commander had taken it upon herself to spend the last hour of practice testing Clarke`s targeting abilities.

It had started off strong. The Commander had given Clarke the ball and placed objects around the field for her to kick the ball into. Each shot got progressively harder but with each success, Clark`s confidence grew. The Commander then elevated the difficulty by placing Raven in as a defender, trying to get the ball off of her but even that wasn't stopping the blonde and she began to feel invincible. She had looked over at the Commander and her face had been hard to read. What it didn't show was being impressed.

Clarke assumed that what she must have felt was a sense of dissatisfaction because she had then brought Indra in to defend her giving her a deliberate nod before whistling for them to begin. Clarke charged forward, watching Indra`s motions and broke away to the right, nearly beating her defender outright until a shoe had clipped her leg on the ball sending the ball out wide to the right and her flying face first into the grass.

A deep pressure filled her chest as she felt the air leave her body and she rolled onto her back and tried to catch her breath. It should have been a foul, it was clearly one but all she heard was the Commander shout "Again!"

The second attempt ended with Indra shouldering Clarke, lowering her shoulder just before contact and sending Clarke to fall sideways and onto her back, a small sting in the side of her hip where she had landed. Clarke sat up slowly trying to calm her breathing as she looked at the Commander who stood there with arms crossed, a look of calculation in her eyes. "Again!"

This last time Clarke felt more determined. Instead of coming straight on at the girl she made a few spin moves, juggling the ball from foot to foot and when she finally caught Indra on the wrong side she made a move, a grin forming on her lips until the girl ran a slide tackle into her feet, completely missing the ball and sending Clarke flying forward even harder than the first. And as she lay there, grass filling her lungs she finally heard the Commander say something.

"There isn't a referee out there that won't call you for that tackle, Indra!" the Commander growled. "If you can't make contact with the ball at all, don't make the slide. Again!" but this time Clarke had no intention on complying.

There was a dull aching in her knees, hip and chest. And she can't say she was expecting Lexa to lean down beside her and kiss her skinned knees to make them feel better but what she did expect was for the Commander to do something about Indra. And as she lay there she began believing that Indra was fouling her on purpose due to the Commander`s orders. The more she believed it, the more the anger within her grew.

She could feel her face getting red from the anger, and as she pushed herself up onto her feet she turned to the Commander and growled threateningly "I'll go again when you do something about your girl over there," shoving a finger at Indra`s direction.

The Commander glared. "I talked to her about the slide tackle. Get back to the ball, Princess."

"And what about the other two obvious fouls?"

"Obvious?" the Commander spat. "She got to the ball, there was nothing obvious about them. You're lucky I wasn't on your case about that!"

"My case?" Clarke`s voice level was on the urge of being classified as shouting. Both girls were glaring at one another.

The Commander opened her mouth to speak but a voice shouting from the bleachers cut her off before she could. "Lexa, you were supposed to meet me at 12:30! You're practice was supposed to be over half an hour ago!"

And it was instantaneous. The Commander went from a look of vexation to a look of irritation though clearly trying to hide a smile.

"Anya!" Clarke heard Octavia yell from behind her. Clarke turned to see a pretty brunette standing in the bleachers with a young boy at her side, no older than five years old. He was beaming from ear to ear.

"Anya, what did I say about interrupting my practices?" Lexa sounded exasperated. The brunette just stood there with her arms crossed. When it was clear that Anya had absolutely no intention of responding, the Commander turned to the team. "Anya's right, I should have let you all out half an hour ago. Enjoy the rest of the weekend. I'll see you Monday."

Clarke found the exchange all a bit odd but the feeling of indignation hadn't dissipated yet. She opened her mouth to say something else to the Commander when she felt a tug on her upper arm and Raven hissed, "Are you trying to get yourself kicked off the team?"

Clarke stood in the locker room, still fuming as Octavia began to explain that Anya was Lexa`s older sister and the little boy with her was her son Aden. Most importantly, Anya was the one person that Lexa seemed to obey without question besides their coach who Clarke noticed more and more let Lexa run the team without restriction.

About ten minutes later, after her temper had subsided, Clarke felt another tug on her arm and she found herself being led out to the bleachers by Octavia. "Look, Clarke, I'm really sorry that Lexa has been such an asshole, and I know that you have every right to hate her right now."

"Asshole is too kind a word," she managed to mumble.

"Probably. That's why I thought it would be good for you to maybe see Lexa when she`s being Lexa, and not the Commander who has been riding you hard since you got here." And Octavia pointed towards the field, leaving Clarke alone to watch something she didn't think the she`d ever see in her lifetime.

Lexa stood there, crouching low as she stood between Aden and the goal, a ball at the young boys feet. He dribbled it sloppily and Lexa made a move to the right, pretending to go after the ball but strategically passing the boy so that when he shot the ball she could launch herself at it convincingly and still miss, letting the ball slide into goal.

Clarke watched as Lexa got to her knees and sat back against her heels with her fists in the sky as she exaggeratedly yelled "No!" into the sky and Aden ran around screaming "GOOOOAAAALLL!" with his arms outstretched, running around as if he were a plane. Anya stood there clapping and cheering him on. "Again!" the boy proclaimed and they repeated the scene again.

Clarke couldn't help it. A smile was creeping up the corner of her lips and she felt a wave of happiness wash over her. She stood there watching Lexa Woods stripped down. She wasn't a star soccer player, a Commander demanding obedience or a woman looking for her next conquest. She was an aunt who took dives and orders from a five year old, all for the purpose of making the boy smile.

And as they switched roles, Clarke found herself smiling even wider. Lexa was showing off some advanced ball movements that made Aden`s eyes grow wide, clearly impressed. She was bouncing the ball from her feet to her knees, never letting the ball hit the floor and with one final kick skyward Lexa bent forward to catch the ball with the back of her neck. The boy clapped enthusiastically and she should almost see the devilish grin on Lexa`s face. Satisfied with Aden`s response, she dropped the ball at her feet and craned her foot back to kick the ball at goal. The motion of her leg pulling back for the kick was highly exaggerated so that it would appear that she was kicking with all her might. In actuality she softly kicked it into the boy who easily stopped it. Lexa faked being upset and fell onto her backside yelling "Foul!"

A look of disbelief crossed the boys face as he yelled back "No way, Lexi, I got all ball. You fell by yourself." She shook her head no and he just yelled "I'll give you a foul!" before charging straight at her. She opened her arms wide just in time for the boy to tackle her around the midsection. She was hugging him then, rolling them around on the floor, planting kisses on his forehead as he started screaming "No, Lexi, no!"

He was trying to wiggle away from her but she just held on, eventually picking him up and hoisting him over her shoulder as she turned to Anya and announced "I think I'll go ahead an keep him!" before turning and running away from her sister, the boy laughing hysterically as he bounced on her shoulder.

"Bye, Mom!" the boy cried over his shoulder, completely content with leaving his mother behind and following Lexa into the horizon.

Clarke was floored and she found herself desperately wanting to be around this version of Lexa.

\----------

"So do you want to explain to me why you were being such a b-i-t-c-h to that cute blonde girl on the field today?" Anya had spelled the word for Aden`s benefit who had a knack for figuring out which words his mom said were inappropriate and then proceeding to repeat them over and over again.

Lexa suddenly became very interested in her salad as she moved the greens around the plate with the fork in her right hand, her left holding Aden who was sitting on her knee coloring a picture of a dog playing a banjo. "I wasn't being any more ruthless than normal."

Anya sighed and Lexa could feel her sisters eyes glaring at her. "I've seen you on bad days, Lex, and I have to say that this one takes the cake." Aden`s head popped up at the mention of cake and Lexa laughed, kissing the boy on the the back of his head "Lex, look at me!"

Lexa looked up to see her sister with an incredulous expression. "I missed you, Anya." She said. And she had. When they were younger, Lexa had followed her sister everywhere that she could. They told each other everything. Anya was the person that she came to first when she discovered that she was different from the other girls in her class and found herself more interested in them than the boys she was supposed to be interested in. And it was Anya who held her hand as Lexa came out to her mother and step-dad, glaring at the both of them, demanding that they accept Lexa without judgement. And even though they now lived hours away, they still made an effort to see each other at least twice a month. There wasn't a thing she wouldn't do for Anya. And if possible, she would do even more for Aden.

"I missed you too, control freak, but you're avoiding my question."

The truth was that for the first time, she didn't want to tell Anya anything. Maybe it had to do with the fact that Lexa herself wasn't really sure about the answer. Her life, up until three weeks ago, had been exactly as Lexa had planned it for herself. The team was gelling smoothly, her step-father`s company seemed to be running even smoother, and she was successfully juggling one torrid affair after the other getting the release she needed before returning to life as planned.

It was the addition of piercing blue eyes that seemed to send her world spinning out of control. The girl seemed to be all Lexa could think about. She went to class distracted, she went onto the pitch distracted, she took work calls distracted, she even bedded women distracted. She could slowly feel her performance sliding in every area.

She had even walked the hot read head from the swim team back to her dorm and when she had invited her inside, Lexa just stood there. She was staring at the girl and all she could see was blonde hair and blue eyes. Instead she had refused the offer with a small smile and walked the rest of the way back to her apartment. By the time she returned home Indra had given her a quizzical look and said "she didn't invite you inside?" But Lexa had ignored the girl and stormed into her room slamming the door behind her before laying in bed and running her hands down her body, undoing the belt of her pants and thinking of the blonde again before brining herself to release.

She hadn't felt this way before, not even with Costia. It had never been this overpowering, this intoxicating. And she lay there in bed, gasping for breath she felt completely helpless which made her feel weak. She had heard of straight girl crushes before but the rule had never really applied to her. She had slept with many girls who demanded they were straight, most returned back to men, others did not. As a rule she didn't sleep with her teammates, it made things too complicated. Maybe this was just her rebelliously acting out against herself, wanting something she knew she couldn't have. But something in her mind told her that it was more than that. She wanted nothing more than to silence it. She wanted nothing more than to punish the blonde for all of it.

"Hello, Earth to Lexa!" Anya pulled her out of her thoughts

If Lexa was going to talk to Anya about Clarke she had to focus on the soccer aspect of her feelings towards her. Anything more and her sister would be able to pick her words apart. "There's just something about her, she's so infuriating! She has the talent to be so much better than she is but she doesn't push herself out of her comfort zone. And then when she does something that I clearly know she should be able to do, she looks around for praise. And it's become a disruption. I need to be focusing on the rest of the team, and on myself but she wasn't at summer training so it's like I need to make up two months of training, which is more like four since we practice twice as much in the summer."

"Why did she miss training?"

Lexa turned away, not wanting to look at her sister. "Her dad died."

Anya sounded outraged. "Her Dad died and you`re holding it against her like a complete and utter twat? Come on, Lex, you're a much better person than that. What would Mom say if she were here right now?"

"What`s a twat?" Aden asked, not looking up from his coloring book.

"It's your Aunt Lexa`s favorite thing," Lexa responded. If looks could kill, she would have been a dead woman the instant she said it. Anya would have been charged with her murder.

"Do you love it so much that's why Mom says you are a twat?"

Anya groaned. "Yes, and it's a boring grownup word."

"Twat," he said again, a smile on his face.

"A word that if you don't say again, Aunt Lexa will buy you ice cream." Which made the boy smile, not saying another word and returning to his coloring.

"Being compassionate was one of the things Mom emphasized we be, Lex. I expect you to make it right. And I also expect you to invite Aden and I over for Thanksgiving this year. Roan has to work a shift that evening and I want to spend the day with family."

Lexa nodded, a small smile on my face. "You are always welcome at my place, Sis. I`ll make dinner!"

"And you'll make it right with Blondie?"

Lexa sighed, "yes, I'll make it right."

Anya smiled, a victorious smile, though Lexa wasn't sure why the need. She seemed to win every argument between them. "Good, so any chance you'll be brining home a nice, pretty girl for me to meet at Thanksgiving?"

Lexa snorted. "Definitely. And it will be the first year that I finally agree to let Aden dress me up like a Native wearing war paint and headdress. Then we can all sit on the roof as we watch pigs fly across the skyline."

Anya rolled her eyes. "I'm holding you to that," was all she replied.

\----------

Clarke had spent the better part of the weekend in her room, studying, icing her injuries and mentally trying to repair what was left of her pride. She found herself cursing Octavia for dragging her back out to the field and showing her the type of person that Lexa was capable of being. It made everything all the more confusing.

It would have been easier to convince herself that she hated the Commander, that she was an irredeemable asshole whose only positive quality was that she was sexy as hell and held herself with this strong confidence that was invigorating. But now every time she began to feel that way she saw the way the brunette lovingly held the boy in her arms, a smile on her face so radiating that it could have lit up a room. And she found herself wanting nothing more than to be on the receiving end of one of those smiles. The thought made her feel pathetic.

She went through Monday`s classes distracted, her anxiety growing the closer and closer it got to practice. And when the time had come she had found herself starring at the Commander who no longer held that infectious smile but rather a look of stone as she handed her the ball and told her to continue where they had left off on Saturday.

And while Clarke had spent the better part of the weekend trying to figure out what had went wrong on Saturday she again found herself bested. Indra had managed to tip the ball and sweep Clarke`s legs from under her with one sweeping motion. As she lay on her back it took everything in her to not let out the tears that wanted so desperately to come out.

Then a hand was held out above her, a peace offering. Clarke had thought about slapping away the Commander`s hand for a moment, not wanting to be anywhere around her but after a few short breaths, she reached up for it and found herself being pulled to her feet. Her hand, as it held the Commanders felt as if it were on fire. A tingling sensation was running up her arm and she gnawed at her bottom lip, expecting the Commander to tear into her for failing once again.

Instead the woman let out a small sigh as she released the girls hand. "Griffin," when she refused to look up she felt two strong hands gripping her shoulders. The feeling sat somewhere between comforting and coaxing. When she looked up she found herself starring into bright green eyes that held a look she couldn't place. Was it concern?

It was hard to concentrate as Lexa`s right thumb was circling a pattern near her collarbone. The world around them melted away. "There isn't any half descent team out there that wouldn't know the threat you were within fifteen minutes of the first whistle in a game. The amount of accuracy in your shot is better than any I've ever seen. And if it were me on the other side of the ball, I would make sure that there was no chance in hell that you got a single unattested shot. I'd put two defenders on you and if that didn't work, I would send them crashing into you. And if you keep playing the ball the way you are when they do, you're going to eventually need to be carted off the field."

Clarke could feel her mouth falling open without any control over it. Here was this girl who no more than three days ago told her that she didn't see anything special about her, who was now giving her what Clarke assumed was the best type of compliment she could expect from the Commander. What was she supposed to say?

Her voice came out as a whisper. "I don't know what you want from me."

The brunette sighed, a look in her eyes said she was biting back several emotions as she let go of Clarke`s left shoulder to run a right hand through her own hair down to her neck. Clarke felt torn between hating the cold feeling that she now felt in that hand`s absence on her shoulder and between wanting to bask in how sexy it was watching Lexa softly rubbing her own neck.

_"Get it together, Griffin!"_

"You need to sell the foul." The Commander looked uncomfortable. She didn't seem to Clarke like she was the type of person who enjoyed doing that type of thing herself. "You had to see at some point that Indra had stopped looking to get to the ball and was more interested in getting to you, right?" The blonde nodded her head. "Yet you still let her get a foot on the ball. If a defender takes you out but is able to get to the ball there is a good chance that they won't call the foul. The referees in this league are ruthless, they tend to let play continue unless things are flagrant. And if it continues to happen and fouls aren't given it starts to look like you are prone to diving which will make it easier for them to come at you. If you see it happening, poke the ball to the left, to the right, anything to make sure that the only thing the defender hits is you."

The Commander paused long enough to watch a look of understanding fill Clarke`s eyes. She continued. "If you get the foul, then now we have the ball and with your accuracy. Being completely uncontested?" The Commander let out a whistle, "there isn't a team out there that would be able to defend the onslaught."

Clarke nodded. "Can we try it again?" and for a split second Clarke could see Lexa`s lips pull up into a smile. But just as quickly as it came, it left and again the Commander looked stoic.

"Again!" The Commander yelled, then looking to Indra and saying, "And try not to mess up my midfielder too much."

Clark`s heart soared, thudding loudly in her chest. _**My** midfielder_. She liked that far more than she knew she should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So all the love I`ve been getting from you guys has given me a push to keep writing into the long hours of the night so the next chapter should be out by Saturday, maybe tomorrow night. I hope you are all enjoying it!


	6. Office Supply STDs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes your friends build you up and sometimes they accidentally pull you with them down the mountain. 
> 
> There's a bit of a lapse in time from the last chapter until the living room scene in this one, several weeks have passed.
> 
> There is a reference to the 1990's movie Ghost with Patrick Swayzee and Demi Moore. If you haven't seen the pottery scene, you may want to do yourself a favor ;)

The difference between the first two weeks and the weeks that followed were like night and day. Clarke went from feeling like the outsider in a world in which she desperately felt a need to belong, to feeling like she was the center of it. This of course, she knew, wasn't true. She wasn't conceded enough to feel that way about herself, but it was as if gears were finally beginning to click into place.

Practices were beginning to feel more like she was training with family as opposed to feeling as if she were being tortured for the Commander`s amusement. Classes were starting to make sense and she found herself making a few friends outside of the soccer team like Monty, Jasper and Miller who were all in her English and Math classes. She was no longer spending her Saturday nights locked in her dorm but out with her friends.

It didn't mean that there were things that weren't still confusing. She had spent a few Saturday's at parties that Bellamy had attended and the more she hung out with him, the more she grew to like him, and the more she felt as if she could never see him the way he saw her. She knew this because he would grab for her hand, and while it felt nice and warm she found herself wishing it was someone else's. And Clarke was doing her best to busy her mind because when she wasn't busy making herself busy, all she could do was think of Lexa.

And speaking of the green eyed Commander, while she hadn't completely warmed up to the blonde, she also didn't seem to dislike being around her either. Clarke had found herself spending more and more time hanging out with Raven and Octavia back at Lexa`s apartment which meant spending more time with Lexa. And the more time the two got to know each other, the less it seemed to bug Lexa having Clarke around.

"I'm just really nervous." Octavia was looking at the wine in her glass as if it were far away.

"For the game next weekend?" Lexa asked, looking up from the book she was reading. She had seemed disinterested with the girls` last hour of conversation but the topic of soccer had her ears perked up. The closer they got to their first game of the season, the more focused Lexa seemed to get.

"No, not that, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to kick ass next Saturday." Lexa rolled her eyes and went back to reading.

"Is it about the chemistry midterm?" Indra asked, her own nose was buried in a Chemistry textbook, clearly more concerned with passing her test than Octavia was.

"No, Lincoln`s parents are coming to his game on Wednesday and we are all supposed to have dinner after. It's the first time that I'm going to meet them." Wednesday was family night at the college and a majority of the people she knew had parents coming out. Clarke had sent her mother an email about the event but she knew better than to expect her to actually show up.

Raven smiled and placed a reassuring hand on Octavia`s knee. "You'll do great," Clarke said.

To which Lexa added, with eyes never leaving her book, "Just be sure to not mention how many times a week the two of you have been dipping the wick. Parents don't usually find that to be an impressive quality."

Raven and Clarke immediately started laughing as Octavia glared. "And what do you know about meeting someone`s parents, Woods?" Lexa shrugged.

"Did you really call it `dipping the wick`?" Clarke finally got out, a tear of laughter falling down her face. "What is your obsession with candles, Commander?"

And then Raven was laughing again, and Octavia was sitting there was a huge smile on her face. Even Indra managed to smirk.

"I haven't the slightest clue what you're going on about, Griffin," Lexa said, raising an eyebrow and looking at Clarke with a defiant gaze. Clarke was having an issue trying to keep a straight face and instead chose to bite her bottom lip. Lexa in turn bit her own and Clarke could feel something inside of her stir. Oh to be that lip...

"What she means is that you clearly have an obsession with candles," and Raven motioned around the room to emphasize her point.

Lexa just rolled her eyes and muttered something about how she'd be the last one laughing if there was ever a blackout which made everyone laugh harder.

A few moments later, after Raven had gathered her composure she said "Well I can't wait for Wednesday. My parents are coming into town and I plan on giving them a tour of the entire campus. I'm the first kid in the family to go to college. I'm hoping to try and entice my younger cousin into actually trying in high school this year." She was beaming from ear to ear.

Indra was smiling now. "My mom is going to make it this year. I'm praying that she brings some of her homemade candies with her."

And with that Lexa added, "You better save me at least one of those. Nothing reminds me of home more than your mom`s food." And she turned "I guess that means that Griffin and I will be the only ones without chaperones, then."

Clarke could see Raven grinning evilly out of the corner of her eye and Clarke turned to fire a warning glare at her roommate. On more than one occasion Raven had claimed that she was woken up in the middle of the night by Clarke loudly moaning Lexa`s name. She wanted to call the girl a liar but every instance could be correlated with a night where Clarke had been having sex dreams of Lexa. To Raven`s credit, she hadn't seemed to have told a single soul about it. It didn't mean she didn't at times suggest things that made Clarke turn red.

"It sounds like the two of you should take advantage and do the things that we won't be able to do while being supervised by our families. Maybe you two could go find someplace where you can make candles together." Octavia began to choke on the wine she had just attempted to swallow while Lexa turned to glare at Raven. At least no one was looking at Clarke, who could feel heat rising in her cheeks.

"I can see it now," Raven continued, "it would be just like the pottery scene in the movie Ghost. Woods would of course be Patrick Swayze and Clarke would be Demi Moore. And Woods would be right behind Clarke, helping her dip the wick into the wax." Clarke could feel herself getting redder, trying not to picture the brunette being pushed up against her back, breathing in her hair. Mouth hungrily kissing down her neck. Hands going up the front of her shirt.

"And Indra could be-" but Octavia who was trying to join in on the teasing was cut short by Indra who was glaring daggers at her roommate.

"If you're going where I think you're going, Blake, I'm going to stop you there." Then she turned to Lexa. "Heda, we need to get going if you still wanted to make it to the NCA meeting on time."

Lexa groaned and muttered "the things I do for this team" before closing her book and standing up to stretch. As she did so, the shirt she was wearing began to ride up, showing her stomach and Clarke just starred. "Well you three have fun. And, Griffin, if you do find a candle place that's open Wednesday night, just let me know." And Clarke could have sworn she had given her a slight wink with her coy half grin. Clarke could feel her mouth go dry.

"See you, Commander," Raven yelled with an overly enthusiastic wave, craning her head to see them leave. And as the door closed behind Indra and Lexa, she held up her hands, silently ticking off each finger as she counted to five. "Okay, now that the leaders are gone I think we should discuss the preseason prank."

"The preseason prank?" Clarke asked.

Octavia was grinning, "It's a tradition! Every year before the first game of the season we do something to prank the boys football team."

"And I have the perfect plan," Raven said, "I just need the two of you to be my lookouts."

\----------

It was a cool Saturday morning and the entirety of the girls soccer team, for the exception of the Commander and Indra, were huddled behind the building next to the boy`s football team weight room. Clarke could see her breath materialize in the air and she knew that they were well into fall. It had always been one of her favorite seasons.

She stood there, huddled up against Harper, her hands rubbing together to keep warm. She had expected the boys to have been working out by now but silence surrounded them which seemed to make Raven more anxious. She was pacing, mouthing words to herself which sounded like a foreign language to Clarke. And she supposed that it was. Raven was going over the algorithm she had written in her head. Why hadn't -

And then a boom filled the air, startling the girls that had huddled together despite the fact that they had been waiting on it. They ran from their hiding place and into the open area of the campus, where not seconds later, the gym doors were being pushed open. There was a puff of white powder that escaped the doorway followed by a rush of pink glitter flowing everywhere.

The boys football team emerged filled with baby powder and glitter, coughing as they tried desperately to shake the glitter out of their hair. And then a horn went off and a small pop followed by a banner about thirty feet wide unfolded from the roof of the building. In bold pink letters it said "Soccer > Football". And Clarke could see Raven standing there proudly, deeply admiring the work that she had done.

A rather large man finally walked out of the door, fuming. And Raven called out "Bryan, I really like the sign you all put up." Before walking away and leading the girls to follow her.

"Just you wait, Griffin. Tell your team to watch their backs!" And Clarke laughed, flashing Bellamy a devilish smile and a quick wave before running to catch up to her teammates.

The team had went to breakfast together, laughing hysterically any time a player came in, pink glitter stuck to their bodies. It would take days if not weeks to fully rid themselves of the shiny dots. "Glitter is the herpes of the stationary world," Clarke mused.

Raven gave her a quizzical look so she continued. "Once you have it, you can never really get rid of it."

By the time the team reached the locker room it had been three hours later and they were all laughing, still feeling jovial. It was as if nothing could get their spirits down, or at least that's what they thought when they walked into the locker room to yelling from Coach Sydney and a man who Clarke hadn't yet met.

The girls found themselves trapped in the locker room and turned to leave but Indra stood there and hissed at them to not move. They had pulled off the prank and now they were going to have to live with the aftermath of it.

Both adults were standing there, glaring at the Commander who stood with her legs slightly apart, hands held behind her back and a forcibly locked jaw as she starred back at her superiors. The man beside her coach was tall and dark skinned, a bit of white coloring the hair around his temples. While she hadn't met the man before she had seen his pictures around campus and knew him to be the school`s Dean, Dr. Jaha.

"Setting off a bomb on school property even if it is just filled with glitter is grounds for expulsion!" He roared. "You are lucky that the football team isn't pressing charges and that there weren't any classes going on that would have forced a school wide evacuation. I want the mastermind of this irresponsible prank brought to me, and I want them now!"

"And what would be the punishment?" The Commander asked, voice as hard as stone.

"A full loss of scholarship, if not something worse." Clarke could see Raven tense beside her, all color leaving her face.

The Commander seemed to mull this over. "It's my team that did it, I will take responsibility."

This seemed to infuriate the dean even more. "I don't think you understand the full severity of the punishments that I could place upon you, Miss Woods." He nearly spat out the threat.

But the Commander did not seem scared, she just held her chin higher. "With all due respect, Dr. Jaha, this is my team, these are my players. If they are unable to follow the school's code of conduct then that is my own failing. I will take whatever punishment you deem best and deal with my team on my own terms."

Dean Jaha just shook his head. "If you don't give me the person responsible I will go ahead and cancel the first five games this season!"

A large roar rose from the team in protest but the Commander shot them all a look and immediately they got quiet. The Commander stood there for a few moments, silence filling the room, then Clarke noticed her jaw moving as she seemed to grind her teeth and the hands behind her back were forming fists. "What if I could offer the college something in return for a much more lenient punishment?"

The Dean looked at the girl with curiosity. "What is it that you are offering, Ms. Woods?"

She took a deep breath. "I've respectfully declined going to any of the fundraising benefits since I've started here. What if I promise to attend the one this Thursday evening?"

A smile crept up on the Dean`s features. Clarke began to wonder if this was what he had been hoping for all along, though Clarke wasn't sure why. What difference would it make if Lexa attended some benefit dinner? "As Captain of the Women`s Soccer team?" he asked.

There was a look of silent pain across the Commander`s face, but it lay there only a second. "As Captain of the soccer team and as part-time CEO of Grounder Incorporated." Clarke could see the confusion on the faces of the girls around her. They seemed just as clueless and she was. "And it's been a few months since I've spent much time with my late step-father`s closest friends. I would be more than happy, to extend them an invitation to join me." It looked as if the words had stung Lexa as the fell from her mouth. Her hands were still clenched into fists.

The Dean smiled wider. "Let's say you'll also attend the benefit in the Spring for good measure." When the Commander nodded in agreement he added "I do expect you to discipline the one in charge, but seeing as how it would be a first time offense, I will leave the punishment up to you." He looked away from the Commander and focused on their coach. "Coach Sydney, will you accompany me to the men's gym? I think Coach Ryan would like an apology." As the two headed out Lexa turned to her team and pointed at the video room. They all huddled in, not staying a word.

Lexa was wearing sweatpants and a zip up hoodie. Clarke had found the sloppy look to still be attractive when Lexa wore it, but that was the farthest thing from her mind at the moment. The brunette strode in last and forcefully yanked the zipper down her jacket, pulling it apart and pushing the flaps of the hoodie aside as she placed her hands on her hips. She opened her mouth to say something, but then quickly closed it.

She turned then, slowly pacing in front of the room and it looked to Clarke like she was focusing on her breathing. "Commander," Indra started, but Lexa held up a finger to silence her. The look in her eyes was deadly. With the hand she used to silence Indra, she rubbed her palm against her mouth, holding her face. When she finally spoke her tone was so calm and collected that Clarke felt a stab of ice shoot up her veins.

"I expect the person who was in charge of this hair brained idea to step forward. And that person," she annunciated her sentence slowly, "will no longer have a social life until the end of that fundraiser. There will be no parties, no football game on Wednesday, no Family Night. You will wake up and you will be at my beck and call until you have class. And then when you don't have class you will be with me until practice, and when practice is over, guess what? You're mine again until you go to sleep."

Then she waited for someone to step forward and was met by silence. Clarke looked at Raven and could see the distraught look in her eyes. She had been planning Family Night for the last three weeks. Raven had told her once that her family didn't think much about going to college. They had thought it better to just get a job after high school and work ones way up the ladder. To them hard work and dedication to a craft outweighed any type of formal education. The only reason they had allowed her to go to school was because she had received a full ride scholarship. This family night was supposed to be her chance to show them that her being here was the right decision.

"So no one is going to take credit for their magnificent work?" Lexa looked around the room but no one would meet her gaze. She had beat them into a well oiled machine, one cohesive unit, a family. No one was going to give up a name. "Fine, no one wants to come forward? Then all of you together will miss out on everything."

Again there was a rumble of protest from everyone on the team. There were cries about how family was coming, or how midterms were just around the corner. And their protests grew in volume.

"Enough!" The Commander yelled loud enough that it echoed through the closed door and into the hall, venom dripping off the word. Girls sat there with mouths open but sound no longer came out. And slowly they closed their mouths and put their heads back down.

The Commander began pacing again, slowly, as she pealed off her hoodie. It wasn't often that they had seen the Commander mad. Sure, she spent a good amount of time yelling at people on the soccer pitch, but that wasn't anger, at least not in the way that she was angry now. With the jacket removed, Clarke could see that Lexa was wearing the same black, low hanging t-shirt that Clarke saw her in that first night. She found herself staring again at the equality symbol as the Commander ran her hand through he hair. Her forearms seemed to tense in anger, she watched the muscles moving.

Unable to contain herself, Lexa threw her jacket across the room and into a wall, a frustrated groan escaping her lips. Then she had both hands on the top of her head, fingers entwined on the crown of her head as she looked up to the sky, speaking to herself in Trigedasleng. Clarke recognized a few curse words.

With the Commander slightly distracted, Clarke turned to see Raven silently pleading with Octavia who just put her head down unable to look at her friend, Clarke knew she couldn't let down Lincoln. And then she found Raven staring at her, eyes pleading. Clarke could feel her mouth grow dry while her palms became sweaty.

The Commander gave a large sigh. "I swear to God, if someone doesn't step forward right-"

"It was me." All eyes turned onto the blonde who was standing, eyes looking down at the floor. No one else said a word.

It was quiet for a minute, maybe two before the Commander shook her head incredulously and said "Enjoy your last night of freedom, Griffin, I expect to see you at my house tomorrow morning at 5am." Then she turned to the rest of the team, "practice today is cancelled." And she stormed out of the room, gray jacket still crumpled on the floor.

Clarke didn't know how long everyone sat there in silence before one by one they proceeded out of the room. Each one stopped by Clarke who had yet to sit back down and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder with a look of respect in their eyes. Raven was the last to leave, hugging Clarke and thanking her, telling her that she would spend the rest of the year, no her life, making it up to her. Clarke just smiled at her roommate and she hoped it looked more warm than she felt.

As she stood in that room completely alone she couldn't help but feel that she was a dead woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the likes and comments! They really do put me in the mood to write. I just couldn't bring myself to watch last night's episode of The 100 so I decided to write for you all instead.


	7. The Warriors Spear Trail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's said that there is a calm that washes over everything just before a storm hits. Might there be a moment of peace for Clarke?
> 
> It's time to see a small piece of Lexa`s past.

Five minutes. That's how long Clarke stood outside, looking at the white door unable to move. She had received a text before she had went to bed from the Commander and all it said was "Bring your running shoes." So there she was, in tight black running pants, an oversized hoodie and running shoes. Maybe the Commander was going to do the noble thing and give her a five minute head start before hunting her down and killing her.

When she did finally manage to knock at the door, Lexa had opened it within a few seconds. She was dressed in black sweats, a tight blue long sleeved running shirt and ear warmers. She wore a small pack which clipped the two arm straps at her chest. "You're late," was all she said as she as pushed past the blonde and towards the elevator. Clarke took that as an invitation to follow. Looking down at her watch it read `5:01`.

They didn't talk and Clarke felt like the air in the elevator was suffocating. She wanted to say something, to ask where it was they were going but as she studied the brunette out of the corner of her eye she could tell that despite the look of indifference she was trying to put out, anger sat behind her eyes. Clarke knew it would be best to keep quiet.

Instead she just followed the Commander - out of the elevator, onto the street where they were met with chilling temperatures, then onto the train. They rode in silence for twenty minutes, and as the Commander chose not to sit, Clarke just stood there, gripping the rails and watching the world outside fly by her. Houses were starting to become more scarce, and trees began to take over. It was like the modern world was slowly beginning to slip away.

When they exited the train, the only sign of civilization that remained was a ranger station and behind it, the sun was beginning to poke its way into the sky filling it with vibrant oranges and hues of pink. Clarke would have found it breathtaking if it weren't for the fact that she was in the middle of a forest where there would be no one around to hear her scream.

Lexa took off, jogging towards a path lined by fir trees, a small sign signaling the beginning of the trail called Gona Java. Clarke followed behind, trying not to be impressed by this mysterious world around her. She spent a majority of her life in towns and cities, which seemed to be more concerned with creating homes and buildings than finding a way to preserve nature. Once a month her Dad would take her out of the city and to the closest wilderness reserve in the area where they could explore the untouched earth.

Untouched was a loose term for the nature reserve near their home. There tended to be more clearings than there were trees, restrooms and picnic benches had littered the area and it attracted a lot of people. One couldn't walk more than a thousand yards without eventually running into another group of hikers. It was nothing like where she found herself now.

The smell of pine, dirt and decaying plant life filled the air around them. From high above she could hear birds whistling tunes while critters made rustling sounds in the tree branches. The ground floor was alive with rabbits and deer, she caught the brownish orange color of a fox tail amongst a few bushes. Clarke had never felt so free. She had also never felt her legs crying in pain as much as they were.

The first twenty minutes of the jog were easy enough, she felt like Lexa was bringing her into a land of mystery for her to drink in. Then Lexa had picked up the pace. Clarke kept up, but it was taking a lot more effort than she wanted to exert. An hour into the run Clarke began to feel like her legs were going to give into the floor at any minute.

She had been used to training on pitches, and tracks, and concrete sidewalks. The one thing they all had in common were that they were all flat surfaces. The earth below her feet now was not flat, it moved up and down, it curved around trees and lifted with roots and plants. It was forcing her to move with the earth, to move muscles that had remained untouched for years.

Lexa had stopped ninety minutes into the run to explore a large clearing and Clarke let out an exhausted breath, collapsing onto her back onto the grassy floor. She lay there catching her breath as she looked at the Commander who seemed to be breathing just fine. The only sign of exertion was the deep redness of her cheeks. Clarke tried to drink the image in. Did the Commander often end a night of long exhausting sex with the same flush in her cheeks?

"Here," the Commander said, handing the destroyed girl a bottle of water, then pulling one out for herself.

Clarke gobbled it down, nearly choking on the water a few seconds in. How far had the pair gone? She hadn't the slightest of ideas. All she knew was that she hadn't run this far in one go in a long time.

"The run back should be a little easier, it is mostly downhill." Lexa took a seat beside Clarke and Clarke watched as Lexa`s gaze shifted to the trees, deeply inhaling the smells around them.

"Do you come here often?" Clarke tried to sound composed, but her lungs were still burning and she sounded far more raspy than she would have liked.

Lexa stole a quick glance at the girl beside her. "I used to spend a lot of time in the woods when I was younger. For a long time it was just Anya, my mom and me. My mom would work long days to take care of us and it left me to my own devices. The reservation where Indra grew up was filled with woods and forests like this." She motioned to the Earth around them. "Sometimes I would be out amongst the trees from sunrise until the sunset. I usually spend every Sunday morning out here."

Clarke watched Lexa intently as she spoke. Never before had she heard the girl talk much about herself, let alone her past. And as she smiled talking about the woods near her home, Clarke found herself smiling with her.

"My dad used to take me hiking when I was a kid," Clarke found herself saying. "But I'm not sure I can call it a forest anymore, not after I've seen this." She could see Lexa watching her.

"Did you and your dad get along well?"

Clarke smiled at the girl. Lexa`s eyes seemed softer out here, the green in them seemed to fit this place, like this was where she belonged. "He was my world," her voice sounded small. She couldn't remember the last time she had talked about him. Who had there been to talk to? "There's no one who cared about me more than he did. He had this ability to walk into a room and look at you and it made you feel like you were the only person in the room that mattered. It was almost impossible to ever be mad or even sad when he was around. Honestly, I don't think I`d ever seen him without there being a huge smile on his face."

"I'm sure he did it for you." was all Lexa replied.

They sat there in silence awhile longer. Clarke could feel the muscles in her legs pounding, but still she hadn't felt this at ease in a long time. It was as if a serenity had washed over them and she never wanted to leave. As she saw Lexa shift to get up she said the first question that popped into her head. She was going to postpone this moment with Lexa for as long as she could.

"What about your dad?" As soon as the question was out of her mouth she began to chastise herself. She remembered that Lexa had mentioned to Jaha that her step-father had passed away. She turned to study Lexa but her demeanor hadn't changed. There was still a smile at the corner of her lips.

"My birth father was a coward and a drunk. He had never legally married my mom. Anya says they used to fight a lot when she was younger and after I was born it just became too much for him. One morning she said they woke up and he wasn't there." She was shaking her head but the smile never faltered. "I have to thank the gods that he left though or else my mom would have never found Titus."

"Is he your step-father?"

"He was." Things stood quiet for a few minutes. Clarke didn't really know what to say. She wanted to offer up an apology, to convey feelings over her loss but none of the words she tried to string together felt right. She had heard so many condolence statements after her own father died and none had brought her much comfort. She didn't want to give Lexa empty words, not here.

"He met my mother when she was working a catering job for one of his benefits, I had to have been about eight at the time. As he told it, he saw her handing out caviar to one of the board members from across the room, and he felt this gravitational pull which he couldn't escape from. He had to talk to her, so they made small talk as he slowly ate all of the appetizers off her tray." Lexa was smiling deeply again, though this time Clarke knew she was smiling to herself, at something in her past that she was seeing inside her head. Slowly, she lowered her body to the ground and she was laying right beside Clarke, their arms almost touching.

"He absolutely hated caviar. He only ordered it for the party because that's the type of food one orders when they're trying to get donors to put up a few million dollars in one night. But there he was, eating it, just to have an excuse to talk to her. And Titus made my mother happy in a way no other man had before. He was a man worth calling `Dad`."

"My father was a lawyer," Clarke said. "He worked for a pretty large company but didn't go to very many benefits, he said they felt too stuffy. He had once taken me with him, though. I wore a gown and he introduced me to everyone he knew. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why he never enjoyed them."

Lexa just chuckled, "It sounds like your father and I are one in the same in that regard. I enjoyed them more when I was younger and my only job for the evening was to not cause too much mischief. It's an entirely different beast when you actually go there with a purpose."

Clarke nodded. "You probably looked cute in your little gowns."

Lexa was laughing again, but this time it was a more genuine laugh, one that probably started in her stomach. It was infectious and Clarke wanted desperately to laugh along but she had no idea what was so funny. When she stopped laughing she looked at Clarke and smiled and Clarke could feel her heart racing. Lexa was so close, Clarke was very aware that she could so easily reach out and touch her face.

"You and my mom," she said, shaking her head. "My mom would get so angry because unlike Anya I refused to put on a dress. There was no amount of convincing or punishment that would get me to comply. So the morning of the first benefit I went to I was twelve years old and my mom was sitting there holding up this silver gown begging me to try it on and Titus walks in with this kids sized pant suit. My mom had asked him why he thought to get me an outfit out of the boys section. He just shrugged and said he hadn't, that he got it tailor made just for me.

"I had just come out to them two months before and Titus had seen me for years playing with his ties, asking him to show me how to tie one. He said he had went to his tailor the week before and saw one of his business partner`s sons getting fitted and thought about how much better I would look in the suit than he would.

"My mother was furious but it was too late. I had grabbed the suit and ran up to my room and locked the door so that she couldn't come in and take it from me. I think I slept in that suit that night, not wanting to take it off. And every benefit we went to, Titus took me with him to get a fitting and my mom would complain about it the second we got home saying `but you`d look so cute in a little gown,`"

Clarke had closed her eyes half way through the story, trying to imagine it. And as she pictured a much younger version of Lexa in a little tux she felt like it was completely fitting of her personality.

Clarke couldn't fathom living in a household that accepting, though a part of her deep down knew that had it been her, her father wouldn't have thought twice about it before doing whatever it required to make her happy. It was her mother who she had much less faith in. "So I take it that I won't be seeing you in a dress on Thursday?"

The mention of the upcoming benefit made Lexa groan. "I have an appointment to get fitted this afternoon, I figured I'd drag you along with me so that you could get a dress." Lexa groaned again and then sat up. "I could kill Raven for putting me in this position."

Clarke sat up. "Raven?" She asked, her heart starting to pound in her chest. Had she somehow given her friend away?

Lexa scoffed and turned to look at Clarke. "Did you really think that I didn't know who it was?" when Clarke said nothing, Lexa rolled her eyes. "You're a smart girl, Griffin, but I saw that glitter bomb, it was well made. Who besides the only mechanical engineer on our team would be able to build that thing and have it go off at the perfect time so that the entire team got the aftermath?"

Clarke stared at Lexa completely dumbfounded. "Then why ask someone to come forward if you already knew who did it?"

"You can't be a good leader and start accusing your people of doing one thing or another if you aren't actually there to witness it. I knew Raven had done it but she needed to be the one to own up to her actions."

"She couldn't risk not being around for Family night, you knew that." Clarke didn't mean to sound so accusatory, but she was only speaking the truth.

"Raven, as smart as she is, has a bad habit of doing things without thinking about them first. A slap on the hand without consequence wouldn't have been enough."

"And yet you allowed me to take the fall?"

Lexa sighed. "Raven is going to see how much you're going to suffer this week. She'll watch it knowing that she is the cause of your suffering and that will probably be much more affective than her missing one night with her family."

Clarke could feel fear welling up in the pit of her stomach. "So I'm still going to suffer, even though you know I didn't do it?"

Lexa gave her an apologetic smile. "I deeply respect you for deciding to take the blame for a teammate, a friend, but to take the blame when I was so clearly upset was extremely foolish. A good leader also has to follow through with their threats and unfortunately for you I promised that the person that came forward would have a lot to pay for. And that's you, Princess." Lexa stood then, stretching her legs and Clarke followed. "Oh, and Griffin?"

"Yeah?" she replied.

"Tell anyone about anything we talked about here today and I will make sure your suffering lasts much longer than just this week." Her smile was devilish and there wasn't a single part of Clarke that didn't believe the threat.

"What talk?" she rebutted. "We ran through the forest and you ran me into the ground. You never stopped, you never slowed down and all I wanted to do was die in the forest so I could stop running."

Lexa`s evil grin grew wider. "Good, but when you tell Raven make sure you make it sound even worse than that." And then they were silent again as Lexa lead their way back out of the forest.

Clarke had spent weeks trying to deny her feelings for Lexa as nothing more than a physical attraction. It only took two hours in a forest for her to succumb to the knowledge that she had been lying to herself and that she was falling for the one person she knew she shouldn't.

\----------

Bringing her here had been a mistake.

Lexa`s legs were beginning to burn thirty minutes into their jog back to the train stop and her arms were beginning to tire but the real struggle was happening inside of her head, trying not to succumb to the voice that was repeating over and over that bringing Clarke here had been a mistake.

The plan had been simple, run the girl into the ground. She had spent the afternoon the day before contemplating where to go and the draw of the forest had called to her. She told herself that despite the beauty of it all, the wavering Earth beneath her feet would be the most severe and she let herself believe it. She put aside any notions that she had chosen this place because she craved it so, that out here was the one place she felt like herself, the one place she let her walls fall away.

But as they started the morning run, the anger that Lexa felt towards the blonde had begun to slowly dissipate and she let herself feel the vibrations of the world around her. The birds sang chords that pulled at her spirit and the crickets chirped melodies to soothe the animosity away. By the time they had hit the clearing she felt more like herself than she had in weeks.

And as she looked at Clarke a feeling of joy had pulled her forward. She had known that she was attracted to the girl, there was no denying that fact. She had even known that she had enjoyed being around her. What she didn't know was how deeply she would respect her character.

There was little that Lexa found to be more important than loyalty. Kindness, discipline, strength, compassion? These were all great qualities, they made great people but without loyalty they meant little more than a great person in solitude. Lexa knew that she had many faults. She was set in her ways, she was quick to anger, she had an issue trusting people but she held great pride in the fact that she was one of the most loyal people one would ever meet.

And as she yelled in that room demanding to know who had created the glitter bomb she deep down felt a sense of pride that not a single person had stood up to point a finger. She knew Raven had done it, and she knew that the rest of the team knew it as well. She knew it was only a matter of time before Raven confessed. She was very fond of the girl who made her laugh. She actually even considered Raven a friend. It was one of the reasons she had offered herself up to the Dean. She would not betray her. She was loyal.

What she didn't expect was for Clarke to offer herself up instead. Perhaps the blonde had far less to lose than her friend but so had others and no one else had taken to their feet, all of these girls had known Raven much longer. Clarke, who had only known the girl six weeks, who was barely getting to the point where Lexa had stopped berating her at practice, had. And Lexa found herself staring at this beautiful goddess, heaving on the grass floor who she liked and respected and wanted nothing more than to be with her in this moment.

And so she had said too much, offered up too much of herself. And as she ducked her head trying to avoid low hanging branches as she ran she also found herself trying to avoid the voices screaming in her head, reminding her what it felt like to lose.

She doubted there were many people that had felt loss more deeply than she had, Anya was the only one who had an idea. But even Anya had the luxury of not having reasons to blame herself, Lexa did not.

She had promised herself that she would never let herself be that vulnerable again. She had locked a large piece of herself away, deep inside of her to keep herself safe. She had told herself it was better this way, safer this way. But she could hear Clarke running behind her, following blindly. She wasn't light on her feet, she hadn't had the hours of practice at running as one with the Earth the way Lexa had. And as Lexa could hear the sounds of a branches breaking beneath Clarke`s feet, she swore she could also hear the sound of the wall she had put up breaking as well. And she found herself wanting to give in to it.

It frightened her to no end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for all of the comments that you left on the last chapter. It thrilled me to no end that some of you already had ideas for what the characters may or may not know, what they may or may not do. I love it! It also made me realize that I should possibly spend more time drawing out certain aspects of this story so thanks for the help on this one. I hope you enjoy it even if it wasn't Clarke being kicked in her ass the way you may have expected.


	8. Retributions and Receptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the serenity of the woods behind them it's time for Clarke to face the consequences of the decision she made. But she may come to find that doing the right this is often rewarded.
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer than the others I have posted!

It was one of the worst and best weeks of her life. True to her word, the Commander made sure that the second they were back on campus Clarke was paying for the pretty pink pipe bomb that Raven had created. Sunday afternoon was spent attempting to clean up the men`s weight room with minimal success. She had been right in her statement the day before, there was no getting rid of the glitter. The best she could seem to do was move it from one spot to the other. She seemed to succeed only in cleaning up the white baby powder and making those little dots shine brighter. Lexa`s features filled with amusement when Clarke shared the revelation with her.

Every morning Clarke showed up at Lexa`s apartment at five in the morning and the two of them would go for a morning run, which was something that Clarke learned that Lexa did every morning, rain or shine. None of these runs were anything like the one they had taken through the forest. With morning classes they didn't have hours to spend frolicking around nature. These runs were done on city trails near Lexa`s apartment. The one upside was that these runs tended to only last an hour, though that also meant that Lexa held a quicker pace.

She struggled to keep up during the last half of each run and the exertion of it made her tired through the rest of the morning hours. On Monday and Tuesday she had felt much more sore at practice, the early runs had been taking their toll. By Wednesday however, her legs seemed to protest a little less as she kicked around the soccer ball.

Clarke always had an hour between her last class of the day and the start of soccer practice so Lexa found her busy work to do around the arena. She would check the air pressure of the soccer balls, wash and fold the practice jerseys and towels, clean out the locker room.

Practice itself was pure hell. Lexa had hinted to her that she was going to suffer and practice had been the best demonstration of that to her teammates. She was reminded of those first few practices where Lexa had made it a point to run her into the ground. Those seemed much easier. There wouldn't be more than a half an hour that went by without the Commander being in her face demanding she run faster, kick harder, move with more purpose.

Clarke found herself in these moments hating the Commander, the bitterness beyond her control. The stark contrast between the girl in the forest and this woman hell bent on making an example of her was making her head spin. And it felt as if it were tearing Clarke in two. The pain must have been evident in her face because whenever she looked at Raven, the pain in Raven`s eyes was inescapable.

On Monday after practice Clarke had been given the task of cleaning and sanitizing everything in the girl`s weight room. The work was long and tedious. She was only three quarters of the way complete when Lexa told her to go home and get to sleep.

On Tuesday after practice Clarke finished cleaning up the weight room and spent the late evening sitting in the video room with Lexa so that she could work on her homework while Lexa watched tapes of the team they were playing on Saturday.

On Wednesday Clarke was put in charge of walking the stadium and picking up any trash and cleaning off any of the seats that felt the least bit sticky. This night was the hardest. She could hear the roar of the crowd as they cheered on the football team for their first game of the year. She could see from the stands all of the parents and siblings that had shown up to support her fellow college students. It made her yearn for her father, he wouldn't have missed coming tonight for anything in the world. And he would have been proud of her for sacrificing her week for her friend`s happiness, though he may not have been so thrilled that she let Raven go through with her plan in the first place.

Thinking of her father also made her angry with her mother. They talked on the phone once a week for about fifteen minutes, just long enough to recap quickly over stories about what their lives had become. But the conversations felt empty, like obligations that needed to be tended to. Clarke searched those phone calls looking for the mother she once had when she was younger, but she couldn't find anything.

But despite all of these things, there were moments during the week with Lexa that had Clarke grinning without any control. It was the moments they were together without another soul in sight that Lexa was softer, more friendly. They opened up to one another.

On Monday Clarke had told Lexa about Finn and how he just disappeared on her. She had loved him, or at least felt what she thought was love, and he couldn't even be there for her. She talked about how she had blamed herself and was touched when she saw the look of pain cross Lexa`s features. Her heart soared when she said in turn "He's an idiot, if I had someone like you I would walk through hell to be there for them."

Lexa in turn told Clarke about how she had known since the age of twelve that she was gay. It took her a few months before she had told Anya about it and she was so scared of their reactions that it took another month of coaxing from Anya to tell her mom and Titus. She was being foolish of course because her mother just pulled her into a hug and told her that she was happy for her daughter and that she couldn't wait to meet her future girlfriends. Titus had frowned at the news but only because he was sad that he wasn't going to get to threaten any boys with his shotgun. She had pointed out to him that Anya would still be bringing boys home and he had smiled and said at least one kid was going to let him have his fun. Anya in response turned white.

On Tuesday during their study session Clarke was having trouble with calculating the volume of a shape. She had tried the problem over and over and couldn't get her numbers to match the answer. Lexa complained that her frustration was making it hard for her to concentrate on the tapes so she had walked up behind Clarke and pressed her chest into Clarke`s back, encircling her as she grabbed her pencil and began showing her how to solve the problem from over her shoulder.

Clarke froze. She could feel the heat radiating off Lexa and her skin felt as if it were on fire where their skin touched. She could breathe her in easily at this distance and she smelled deeply of woods and something sweet. It was intoxicating, the smell of her alone made Clarke want to disrobe the girl behind her but she sat there frozen willing herself to pay attention. And then there the warmth of Lexa talking into her hair, her breath blowing away strands, tickling her ear. She could feel herself exploding. And when Lexa was done explaining, she dropped the pencil and slowly grazed her fingers up Clarke`s forearm.

Clarke had turned to look at Lexa`s face, her eyes were much darker than normal. They stood there there, staring deeply into each other's eyes, close enough that she could taste Lexa`s breath on her mouth. Then Lexa`s eyes were on Clarke`s lips which parted slightly. Lexa cleared her throat and said that she had something to take care of and pulled away, leaving the room. When she returned fifteen minutes later Clarke had asked her where she went. Lexa had muttered that she went to the bathroom and wouldn't look at Clarke, she just kept her eyes on the soccer footage.

On Wednesday Lexa had went up the bleachers to go ahead and tell Clarke to finish up early and try and enjoy the rest of the festivities but she found the blonde crying. Lexa held her hand as Clarke cried about her dad not being there, about how her mother should have been there. Lexa had said nothing and just let Clarke let everything out.

They sat there for over an hour until Clarke said she was tired and wanted to go back to her dorm. Lexa walked her there, still holding her hand as silence filled the rest of the space between them. When they got to Clarke`s door she invited Lexa in but she declined, instead offering the blonde a box, a small gift she had said before letting go of Clarke`s hand and leaving. The blonde felt a tinge of pain and disappointment seep through her. She honestly didn't know what to expect was going to happen but the last thought that had crossed her mind was that Lexa was going to decline her offer to come in.

Clarke had sat on her bed and stared at the box for about twenty minutes before deciding to open it. What she found inside made her laugh. It was a green candle and a box of matches. There was a small note inside that said:

  
**Griffin,  
             Candles are far better than pottery!  
        - Woods**

She shook her head at the movie reference that Raven had eluded to just days before. She also found herself tracing the intricate scribble of her name and of Lexa`s. She half expected the signage to be from "the Commander" but she had to smile at herself. Tonight she hadn't been with the Commander, she had been with Lexa. And Lexa was someone Clarke was beginning to love being around. She was almost sad that her punishment was about to end.

The candle itself smelled of pine and the memory of their run in the forest filled her vision. She put the candle on her night stand and tucked the note away in her drawer. It wasn't long before the entire room smelled of forest and she found herself drifting into a calm peaceful sleep pushing her disappointment into the back of her mind.

\----------

The dress on the bed looked more expensive than the ten year old Honda Civic her parents had bought her when she turned sixteen. The fabric of it was smooth to the touch and she found herself wanting to roll around in the material. If she could have sheets as soft as this, she could die a happy person.

She had gone to Lexa`s apartment after her last class of the day and was surprised to find a bubbly blonde waiting for her with a hair straightener and curlers, ushering Clarke into the guest room to help her get ready for the benefit tonight. She had gone on and on about how she had spent over an hour trying to get Lexa`s hair just right.

According to the stylist she has swept the right side of Lexa`s hair to the left side of her head where her hair had more of a poof. It was supposed to give the illusion of almost having shaved the right side of her head. She apparently had to talk Lexa into the look who just wanted something simple. The hair dresser made a sour face as she said the word.

Clarke felt lucky then that she had decided to just curl Clarke`s hair. She'd said that the golden rays in her hair spoke for themselves. It took her about forty-five minutes and then she was gone, out the door leaving the curly haired blonde to stare at the gown on the bed.

She could feel the knot forming in the pit of her stomach as slid the dress up her body, thankful that the zipper was on the side of the dress. And as she stood in front of the mirror she was stunned to see the woman in front of her. She had missed her prom last year, she didn't feel right going without her father there to see her. Would she have looked nearly as stunning as she did now? She had to admire the way the black fabric hugged the curves of her body. Normally she would have preferred one that hung lower at her chest line but when they had picked out the dress Lexa had said she didn't want to have her father`s friends starring at her breasts. Clarke had turned red and agreed. Clarke had to admit that wearing the dress now, it looked a lot more elegant this way, though she doubted she wouldn't still be getting stares. The dress seemed to hug her chest the same way it did her curves.

"I'm going to grab myself a glass of whiskey before we go. Did you-" but Lexa had stopped mid-sentence as Clarke stepped into the living room. She seemed frozen in place, a glass in her hand as she slowly glanced her eyes up and down Clarke`s body. She had half a mind to tease Lexa but Clarke also found herself unable to move.

Lexa stood there in a very young looking suit. She was wearing gray pants with thin white lines that went horizontally and vertically, a black belt with a silver buckle through the loops. She had on a white button up shirt that she had folded the sleeves up to the elbow. She had a green tie that matched her eyes, tucked into a gray vest that buttoned up to just below her chest. The hair dresser was right, there was nothing simplistic about her hair, though Clarke had to admit to herself that it worked on Lexa. She looked debonair and Clarke could feel herself blushing.

"Yeah, I'll take a glass." She had responded to the question Lexa never fully got out and the brunette shook her head before turning around to pour Clarke a glass who couldn't help but stare at Lexa`s ass. It looked perfect in those pants.

"You look absolutely stunning," Lexa said, turning to hand Clarke her drink. She smiled and took a sip, trying not to make a face as the liquid burned down her throat. She didn't hide it well enough though because Lexa laughed and took a drink herself.

They made small talk as they sat on the couch, laughing about the gift Lexa had given her the night before. And as they finished their drinks Clarke found herself taking Lexa`s arm as she walked the two of them down to the town car that was waiting. It felt so natural holding onto Lexa`s arm, letting her hold the door open for her. Clarke could feel herself smiling from ear to ear and she didn't care to try and hide it.

When they got to the benefit Lexa ushered Clarke through the doors with the hand at the small of her back and Clarke could feel a desire surge from inside of her. She wanted nothing more than to grab Lexa by her tie and drag her into an empty room. She pushed the thought to the back of her head as soon as a large, burley man approached them.

"Miss Woods, it`s been too long!" Clarke turned to see Lexa give the man in front of her a hug.

"Gustus, I've missed you terribly. How's Nicholas?"

The man beamed, "He's doing well, just started school actually. And who might this beautiful gem be? Your date?"

They both turned to look at Clarke and she could see a flush come to Lexa`s cheeks. "No, though I would have definitely had the most beautiful date here, wouldn't you say?" Gustus nodded as Clarke smiled, attempting to not blush as her heart fluttered. "This is Clarke Griffin, she`s one of my central midfielders. Clarke, this is Gustus. He`s practically family."

"And COO of Lexa`s company," he added with a grin as Lexa rolled her eyes. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise," Clarke replied, "though I'm sorry to say that I really don't know a whole lot about your company." Even with all the openness, Lexa had never brought up the subject and Clarke didn't want to pry.

"It's only the biggest architectural corporation in the state," another man replied, this one looked a lot thinner than Gustus. "Cage Wallace, nice to meet you." He held out his hand and Clarke shook it.

"Cage," Lexa said, "how are Tracy and Tiffany?"

The man smiled. "Good, after watching you play last year they have aspirations of becoming world class soccer stars."

Lexa smiled. "If they want to see talent you really should bring them out to come see Clarke play." She flashed Clarke a bright smile. "Why don't you bring the girls out to a practice one of these days, I'd be happy to let them run a few drills with us."

The man smiled. "That would be fantastic. Say, now that I have you do you think we could maybe talk about the Unity Building you guys are planning to put up in Polis?"

Lexa turned to Clarke and gave her a sad look as she silently mouthed an apology before following Cage to a group of four other gentlemen.

"Well at least she looks happy to be here this time," Gustus said. "I'm not sure how you managed to do that but I may just have to invite you to all of our company benefits from now on."

Clarke smiled at the man. "So Lexa is part time CEO of the company?"

He nodded. "Her and Anya own the company. Our business partners feared the fate of it all when she took over at sixteen. But the girl has a wit about her, almost as if she was born to do this sort of thing. It was a little bit of a rough start but within the year she had made a name for herself. Between school, soccer and the business I'm not sure where she got much sleep. At the moment she's left me in charge of a majority of the operational decisions which has given her the freedom to focus on other things."

Clarke spent a majority of the night introducing herself to people and talking about the soccer program at the school. She made small talk and answered whatever questions she could but mostly she kept her eyes on Lexa who seemed to know eighty percent of the people in the room. The other twenty percent seemed eager to just meet her.

She found herself having a good time, Lexa on the other hand was beginning to look miserable with the man she was talking to so Clarke went over to try and offer an escape. "Mr. Roth, while I appreciate that you want to make your company a profit, I refuse to do it on the backs of those that need our support the most."

"You could build your pet project elsewhere, on the outskirts of the city where land is less expensive!"

"My pet project?"

"Yes," the man grumbled. "I don't see why providing after school sports activities to children in this area of town is all that necessary."

Lexa shook her head, biting back the anger that Clarke could see welling up inside her. Clarke slipped her hand inside of Lexa`s and she could see her momentarily tense up before letting out a sigh. "A majority of the kids that need this service, to keep out of trouble and attempt to build a future that they may not find possible, all live close to the middle of the city. To build it anywhere else would be irresponsible. And as CEO of this company I refuse to let the bottom line and corporate interest railroad what is best for the people we cater to. Now if you'll excuse me."

She was dragging Clarke away from the man and outside the building where she began pacing and cursing beneath her breath.

"That guy seemed like a real dick." Clarke said and Lexa stopped, looked at Clarke and then began laughing.

"He's definitely the biggest prick I ever met." Then she smiled at Clarke, "do you by chance want to get out of here?"

When they got back to campus Lexa walked Clarke back to her room, draping her jacket over Clarke`s shoulders. Lexa had both of her hand thrust into her pockets and Clare held onto the suit jacket covering her, trying not to make it too obvious that she was inhaling the scent on it that was so uniquely Lexa`s.

"I had a really great time tonight." Clarke said as they stopped at her door.

"Me too," and Lexa flashed Clarke a smile that made her feel weak at the knees. "I'll see you at practice tomorrow then?"

Clarke nodded. "I take it this means my punishment is over and I no longer have to spend all my free time cleaning?"

Lexa just gave her a smile. "It's too bad, I can't remember the last time the locker room was so spotless."

Clarke just laughed and reflexively grabbed onto Lexa`s forearm and they both froze. She could see Lexa`s eyes looking down at her arm, and then looking up into Clarke`s eyes, then hungrily studying her lips. Clarke felt a warm tingling spread through her as Lexa`s hand came up to push away a stray lock of hair that had fallen onto her face. She tucked the lock away softly behind her ear and let her thumb trace its way back down her jaw then down her neck, following the gentle curve. Clarke could feel her lips parting and every nerve in her body was firing, sending shocks through her, making her buzz with anticipation.

Clarke moved her free hand up Lexa`s side, slipping just past the side of her breast and Lexa inhaled sharply. Her hand rose up to Lexa`s shoulders before moving towards her tie, pulling it free from the vest, twirling while she wrapped it around her hand before balling it into her fist. She pulled Lexa forward, they were now only inches apart.

Lexa hooked her arm around Clarke`s waist, pulling their hips tight together against one another, and was rewarded with a small groan escaping the blonde`s mouth. The sound of it made Lexa`s legs weak and they fell forward, Lexa`s free hand falling onto the door with a thud to steady themselves.

Clarke could see the darkness in Lexa`s eyes, speaking with so much lust that Clarke gripped the green tie tighter in fear that she would fall away, wanting so desperately to be consumed by it.

"Lexa," she began to whisper in a husky voice that made Lexa shiver and her eyes shake. But before she could finish, the sound of a door knob turning and the door behind them shifting made the two of them spring apart faster than a snake could strike.

Raven opened the door and said "That wasn't a very good knock, did you forget your key?"

"See you both tomorrow," was all Lexa said and she had turned, practically trotting down the stairs, her tie fluttering over her shoulder and against her back.

"Why was she in such a rush?" Raven asked, then she saw the flush in Clarke`s cheeks. "Wait, did I miss something?" She paused again, and took in the sight of her roommate who was clutching tight to Lexa`s jacket with white knuckles. "Oh my God, did I interrupt something?"

Clarke just shook her head no and pushed past Raven into her room as she muttered "worst roommate ever."

\----------

Lexa lay in bed on her back while her head lay on her hand, her other arm drooped around her stomach. She didn't know how long she had laid there, sleep eluding her. Her mind was too busy racing, her mind focusing solely on how Clarke`s body felt against hers the sounds of Clarke`s groaning filled her ears. She had had countless dreams about what it would feel like but none of them compared to the real thing. It was all too much to handle.

The little voice inside her head was waging a war inside of her. She so desperately prayed for sleep to wash over her, to silence her demons but her prayers remained unanswered. Instead she just lay there, replaying what had happened over and over in her head as the voice told her that she was making a mistake, that she needed to distance herself from the blonde, that she was becoming weak.

She turned her head to glance at the clock on her nightstand and it read 4:45am. She had her answer, she had been laying there unable to sleep for five hours.

With a small groan Lexa pulled herself up and began dressing, reaching for her running shoes. When she opened the door, the sight before her startled her. Clarke stood there in a green hoodie and tight black pants that showed off her ass and thighs, not leaving much to Lexa`s imagination. She had grown to love those pants all week.

"What are you doing here, Griffin? I told you last night, you're punishment is over, you don't have to be here."

The blonde just shrugged. "Maybe I wanted to be here."

Lexa found herself smiling. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the butterflies running rampant in her stomach. "Well don't think that I'm going to take it easy on you, Princess."

Lexa could almost feel herself melting under the devilish smile that took over Clarke`s lips. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the love and support! I really do appreciate all of it.
> 
> I struggled for a few days trying to figure out whether I should be more descriptive and spit this chapter into two smaller ones but I ended up deciding that the benefit scene wasn't as important. Hopefully some of you won`t mind too much. I'll try and get some writing done tonight and post the next chapter on Thursday.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


	9. Game 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instead of writing a summary here I figured I would give a quick recap of what happened in the last chapters without giving too much away. I've found that I'm following enough Fan Fictions that I tend to forget whether I`m reading the chapter where I left off. Please let me know if you think this is at all a bad idea!
> 
> Recap of Chapter 8:   
> Clarke had to deal with the aftermath of her decision to help out Raven who decided to repay Clarke by opening her door at the worst possible time! But the punishments Lexa gave Clarke has seemed to bring the two closer together, confusing both girls on what they should do about it.

Clarke could feel a knot forming high in her stomach, filling the area between her gut up to her throat. The pressure in her chest made it hard to breathe. She hadn't felt this nervous in a long time.

_"Get it together, Clarke"_ she told herself as she tried to fight back the nerves.

She looked around the room and she could tell that she wasn't the only one fighting inner battles amongst herself. Octavia was on the bench beside her with her elbows on her knees, her right hand stroking the small medallion of her necklace.

Raven was leaning up against the locker to her left, with her head back, staring deep into the sky as if looking at some being far away. Her lips moved quickly, silently. Praying, Clarke figured.

Monroe sat diagonal from her, headphones hanging from her ears, music roaring loud enough that Clarke could hear the faint instrumentals of what she assumed to be some early 90`s rap song. She was smearing black coal beneath her eyes.

And Harper was sitting next to her, starring straight at the keeper gloves in their hands. She could have sworn that the girl hadn't blinked in minutes.   
  
Directly across from Clarke was Indra who seemed to be glaring daggers at Clarke. Her eyes felt like weapons stabbing deep into her as if she had been attempting to kill her soul. She had to look away, completely unsure why so much hate was being directed towards her and she made a mental note to never sit directly in front of her before a game again.

Who Clarke didn't see was their oh-so-fearless leader. Despite the nerves she found herself glancing at the door every few minutes, hoping to see some glimpse of her. The longer she sat there, the more the realization sunk in that this was going to be the first game she played that her dad wouldn't be able to see.

Clarke looked at Monroe and made a motion at the canister of black paint. Monroe nodded and handed it over to Clarke who took it and dipped her finger into it, coating her finger with the waxy material and wrote "DAD" on her forearm. She handed the canister back to Monroe who gave her an apologetic smile.

Clarke turned her head back at the door again, willing Lexa to appear. As if on cue, she strode into the room. If the woman felt any nervousness, any inner turmoil it was completely lost in her face. Her strong jaw was set and high, a small devilish smile strewn across her lips and as Clarke looked up her eyes locked onto Lexa`s. The piercing green seemed to smolder, causing something inside Clarke to melt. It was terrifying, exciting, encouraging and mesmerizing. It was as if the air between them began to charge and Clarke could feel the stinging all around her body.  
  
She wasn't the only one. It was as if her presence alone commanded the attention of all around her. All eyes were on Lexa and it seemed to fuel her exuberance even more. It seemed to Clarke that she lived for it.  
  
"I know that some of you may be nervous," she started as she looked around the room. "I know that some of you may even be doubting your resolve, your ability. The Hawk Nation is a great squad, with amazing players but there isn't a girl on that team that I would trade for any of you." She paused, and then slightly chucked and shook her head.  
  
"Scratch that, there isn't a single girl on this planet that I would trade for a single one of you. We have trained hard together, we have bled on that field together," she stated, hand pointed directly behind her, at the field just beyond the wall. "That pitch contains our blood, our sweat, our tears."

"Hell yeah!" Clarke heard Octavia cry and as she looked around girls were grinning and nodding their heads and Lexa`s voice seemed to grow louder.  
  
"No one deserves this game more than we do!"  
  
"No one" Harper said lowly beside her.  
  
"Who, Harp?"  
  
"No one!" Said Harper in a much louder voice, standing beside Lexa now, gloves griped firmly in her hands.  
  
"And who on this God given earth could take us on our field?" She cried out.  
  
"No one!" yelled Raven as she pushed herself out from against the locker, hopping almost giddily from one foot to the other.  
  
And one by one girls began getting to their feet. Grabbing onto the girls beside them and Clarke could feel the excitement in the air. It seemed to thwart her ability to move.  
  
"Ninety minutes is all I ask of you and I promise you that I will leave everything I have of myself on that pitch for you girls. The bleeding may continue, and the sweat sure as hell will, but the only tears shed on that pitch tonight will be by our enemies lest it be ours in the joyous celebration of our victory!" And with that everyone was on their feet, Clarke rising last as the girls around her seemed to pull her up. She wasn't sure if it was their arms that physically pulled her onto her feet or if it was their sheer joy and determination that pulled her upwards but she felt as if she could concur anything. And the large smile on her face was telling.  
  
One by one, two by two the girls began to swarm past Lexa, jogging with heads held high into the tunnel that would take them to the pitch. Clarke was the last to go, too mesmerized to move but as she went to pass Lexa, strong and delicate fingers wrapped around her upper arm, the back of Lexa`s right hand grazing lightly against her left breast. And the air seemed to get stuck in Clarke`s lungs.  
  
Clarke looked down at the hand on her arm before defiantly raising her gaze to meet Lexa`s. "You're ready for this, Griffin." She said it as if it were a pure fact, not an ounce of uncertainty in her voice. "I talked to Indra and she's going to be moving left. I need you to be at my right hand tonight. It's you and me."

Clarke knew what it meant to be at right center. For other teams the position wasn't as coveted, just another position on the field. But on this team, it was reserved for the person that the Commander had trusted most to get her the ball. She favored the right, it was evident. It also made much more sense as to why Indra had been glaring at Clarke. For the last two years, right center had been her position.

Then Lex paused, looking at Clarke`s left forearm. "You may not be able to physically see him out there tonight, but he's out there cheering you on." And with that Lexa let go of Clarke`s arm leaving Clarke to jog out to the tunnel alone, head spinning. And her arm where Lexa grabbed her felt as if it were on fire. Had she only looked back she would have seen Lexa releasing and clenching her right hand, rubbing the back of her knuckles as if they were on fire.   
  
It was the first time that night Lexa`s heart had began to race.

\------------

Forty-five minutes came and went, it was almost like a blur. Octavia was the first one to score only ten minutes into the game on a pass that went from Clarke to Lexa who while she had a descent shot opportunity between two players saw the brunette running alone into the box, and unselfishly passed left and allowed her to score.   
  
Her teammates rushed her, Clarke jumping onto the top of her back in pure joy. And as everyone dissipated Clarke watched as Lexa was the last to jog over to Octavia and the two seemed to hold out their left hands, gripping the others` forearms as Lexa`s right hand grabbed the back of Octavia`s head, lightly pulling their foreheads together as both smiled ear to ear.

As they let go she could see Lexa looking around the field as if searching for someone until her eyes caught Clarke. Lexa gave Clarke a crooked closed lipped smile that made her stomach swoon as she raised both of her hand and clapped them together several times as if to say that this goal belonged just as much to her as it did Octavia. It was a simple gesture of high praise which coming from anyone else would have pleased Clarke. Coming from Lexa it felt like a surge of pride had overtaken her. She couldn't explain it.

A hand was patting at her shoulder as Raven said "one hell of a pass" in her ear and as she turned to thank her friend she noticed Indra attempting, but failing at not glaring in her direction. It looked like it took all her self control to give her a thumbs up when it looked to Clarke as if she wanted to raise another finger instead. Clarke nodded her head in her direction, looking away as Lexa had come over to pat Indra on the shoulder.  
  
The second goal of the game was scored by Raven who was playing offense for a corner kick taken by Octavia with seconds left to spare in the first half. Again the team swarmed the girl who scored, Clarke giving her roommate the biggest hug she could muster. And again Clarke watched as Lexa came in last, gripping Raven`s forearm and pulling their foreheads close together, exchanging huge smiles before giving a thumbs up in Octavia`s direction.  
  
The locker room at half time was filled with as much buzzing as it had during Lexa`s speech. Everyone was smiling and talking, hands flying animatedly as people talked about plays that had happened, strategy to keep in mind for the second half. Lexa stood on the outskirts of the room, smiling with pride as she talked to Coach Sydney in low tones.   
  
Clarke found herself starring, playing out what happened between the two in the locker room over and over in her head. She could lightly feel her arm burning again, almost smell the scent of woods and something sweet in her nose. And her stomach flipped as she heard the works "you and me" over and over again. She wanted to say it aloud.  
  
As everyone started filing out again for the second half Clarke again stayed behind, leaving the pair of girls in the room. And as Lexa turned her head slightly to the side as if unsure of why Clarke had stayed behind Clarke said with determination in her voice "you and me."   
  
Lexa seemed to smile brighter, a flick of something strange in her eyes as she said, "I'm counting on it."

The next forty minutes came by much harder than the first. The other team had grown frustrated and began collecting fouls left and right. A central defender had taken out Lexa with a slide tackle directly into her leg, sending her crashing forward. Jersey`s were being grabbed, girls were being tripped, elbows were being thrown. Tensions were running high on both sides. Lexa had managed to calm their team down when fights threatened to break out, yelling at her girls to back off and then immediately turning to referees demanding that they do their jobs. It wasn't winning Lexa any favors but several cards were rewarded.

It was during a defensive play that it happened. Raven slide tackled the ball away from a Hawk, sending it right to Clarke`s feet. Clarke looked up to see just one defender in her way and as the girl barreled in on her, Clarke jumped the ball, turning and baiting the defender the wrong way. She knew it then, she was going to have a completely open field. The defender seemed to turn, accepting that she couldn't get the ball, lowered her shoulder and slammed it into the side of Clarke`s ribs.  
  
The force of it threw her back, off her feet and onto the ground. She could vaguely feel pain rising in her chest and on her tailbone where she fell. She knew instantly that her ribs would be a dark shade of black and blue in the morning. She could hear whistles blowing but they sounded drowned out, like they were miles away. Mostly she felt anger rising inside of her, adrenaline pushing back the pain. She went to stand up, to challenge the girl who threw her down but as she moved she saw a brunette rush to defend her.  
  
Lexa was in the girls face in what seemed like an instant. Luckily at the same moment Indra had arrived to grab onto her and held her back with both arms. It slowed Lexa down just enough for the defender to take a step back, fear in her eyes. Then Octavia showed up, grabbing Lexa as well.  
  
It took both girls to hold her back. Indra yelling "Commander, let it go! Remember what you told us, keep a calm head!" But Lexa was having none of it.  
  
"Let me go" she demanded. And surged again. The girls budged slightly but held her just enough away. The defender, seeing safety in numbers stopped and puffed out her chest which just added to Lexa`s rage.  
  
"Fine!" Lexa growled at the girls holding her. She stopped trying to pull forward and instead yanked at her arms, pushing her team away from her. Once free her eyes turned back to the defender, who now seemed to regret her stance. Instead of surging forward she pointed a finger in the girls direction and growled "to you and your team, touch her again" she motioned to Clarke "and I will end you."   
  
It was at that point that Clarke heard a whistle behind her as a referee came charging in, pulling a red card out of his pocket and presenting it to the girl on the other team, ejecting her from the game. The referee then turned to look at Lexa and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a yellow card, a warning for her retaliation. Lexa just shook her head incredulously and flipped her hand in the air as if to dismiss the referee altogether as she walked away.

"Interesting," Clarke looked up to the direction of the voice and saw Raven, lips pursed together, holding out a hand to help Clarke up. "I've never seen the Commander retaliate against a foul that way. Remind me to never take you out, Griffin."  
  
Her head was spinning. She understood Lexa being upset with the hit, but upset enough to threaten the entire Hawk`s team? What if Indra and Octavia hadn't gotten to her in time? Attacking another player would have been a rejection from the game, possibly the season. Lexa was always the calm one, the one who handled anger and emotion better than anyone she`d ever met. What the hell had happened?  
  
She shook her head, tallied her injuries and decided to keep playing. Clarke took the free kick but was too far away to attempt a kick at goal so she passed it to Indra, who passed it to Octavia, then to Lexa, back to Clarke who took the ball around the defender and saw Lexa making a run at goal. With everything she had she kicked the ball into the box, managing to lose her balance after the kick. And as she fell she kept her eyes on the ball which seemed to hang there as Lexa`s body came shooting at it like an arrow shot from a skilled warrior's bow, her head making contact with the ball. It flew right past the keeper and into the net.  
  
Screams erupted as everyone ran towards goal. Clarke raised her hands in joy as she stammered to her feet. Her eyes were on Lexa who bent her head down to kiss the number tattoo on the inside of her forearm before pointing with both hands up to the sky. And one by one, the girls seemed to form a line in front of their leader. Clarke stopped, confused.

Octavia was the first in line. She did a mock salute to the Commander before they grabbed each others' left forearms and simultaneously they used their right hands to grip the others` left shoulder. Then one by one the rest followed, salute, forearm grab, shoulder grab.

Clarke jogged to the end of the line, happy though somewhat saddened by how this embrace was different from the last. She shook her head, scolding herself. It's just a touch of the foreheads, it wasn't a big deal. So why did she feel slightly deflated?

When it finally got to her turn Clarke smiled, trying to match the joy on Lexa`s face. It was infecting. She saluted the Commander and then grabbed her forearm and she could feel the heat riding up her arm. But as she rose her right hand to grab Lexa`s shoulder the Commander shook her head no, the smile on her face twisting to a more devilish tone as she lifted her hand behind Clarke`s head fingers entwining in loose hair as she pulled their foreheads together.  
  
The smell of smokey rosewood and cardamom filled her lungs and they sung, and she found herself breathing in all that she could. Their heads this close together made her feel as though a fog had lifted, a fog that she had been in her whole life and yet was entirely unaware. And memories of the night of the benefit filled her thoughts. It was as if time stood still, an eternity lasting milliseconds before Lexa pulled her forehead away, hands still in Clarke`s hair willing the blonde to look at her and when she did they were both smiling, both looking slightly shaken.  
  
"You and me" they both said in unison, laughing as they let go. Both feeling like that millisecond, that eternity wasn't nearly long enough.

The whistle blew shortly after, ending the game and cheers erupted from the crowd and from the girls on the pitch as they ran around celebrating. Raven had pulled Clarke and Octavia into a hug and the three of them jumped around in their embrace before seeking out other teammates to celebrate with. Clarke paused and looked into the crowd. She could almost see her dad sitting there at midfield with a large smile on his face, chanting her name. She felt happy and sad all at once.

"He would have been proud," a voice said from beside her and Clarke turned to see Lexa with a small smile on her face as she reached up to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. And Clarke nodded, both of them standing together as the team ravaged around them. It almost felt as if together they were the calm in the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all of you enjoyed it. There was a bit of soccer in this chapter. For those of you that don't know the game well please let me know if I should start explaining things more. I'm trying to keep it in the most simplistic terms that I can but I spend a large amount of time watching soccer so I may have a different idea of what is simplistic. 
> 
> BTW, Congrats to that spectacular win the US Women's National Team had over Columbia yesterday! Tobin Heath is the Queen of the Nutmeg and I worship at her very skilled feet.
> 
> I'm already working on the next chapter. The way it's starting to lay itself out, the next chapter will be a longer chapter than normal but the one after that will be a shorter chapter. I may try and post both this weekend if I have the time to get them both done!


	10. It's My Party...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Due to all the love I decided to post this one a little early. Keep it up, y'all! 
> 
> Chapter 9 Recap:  
> After two months of practicing the CRU had their first game of the season and we learned a few things.  
> 1\. The CRU are a good team  
> 2\. Clarke misses her father  
> 3\. Protective Lexa is awesome and a little scary  
> 4\. Understanding Lexa is a softie 
> 
> Now it's time for the girls to celebrate!

Clarke starred at herself in the mirror, putting on a darker shade of lipstick than she was used to. She had decided on wearing a pair of tight jeans and a loose fitting black top that seemed to hang in all the right places. She had spent the better half an hour trying to get her hair to curl and was finally happy with the way it laid on her shoulders, trying to hide the bruise starting to form where she had fallen on it during that last goal.  
  
"Remind me again about this tradition!" She called out to the girl in the other room.  
  
She could hear Raven groan. "Will it make you get ready any faster?" When no answer came she continued. "Whenever we win a home game, whoever scored the last goal throws a party. And while Lexa herself may not always be the life of the party, she sure has one hell of a place to party at. Now tell me, is that cute outfit for Bellamy or for Lexa? My money is on the girl who gave you that candle" Raven motioned to Clarke`s nightstand.  
  
Clarke turned to see Raven leaning against the bathroom doorframe, arms crossed over her chest as she suggestively raised her eyebrows. It was Clare`s turn to groan, though it was hard to hide the blush rising to her cheeks. "Bell and I are just friends."  
  
"So it is for the Commander then?"  
  
Clarke shook her head, "Ray, weren't you the one that told me that Lexa doesn't sleep with her teammates?" But after all of the contact stolen between them in the last week Clarke found herself wishing that Lexa would decide to break that rule tonight. Raven seemed to mirror her sentiment.

"That was all before she met you."

The music sounded soft inside of the hall outside of Lexa`s door, but the minute the door opened it was much louder. "Reyes, Griffin, glad you could finally join us." Lexa wasn't exactly shouting, but she had to speak pretty loudly to be heard over the noise.  
  
Clarke froze.  
  
Lexa stood there, leaning against the doorframe, her elbow at about head height on the frame, hand hanging over head as her other hand held her hip. She was wearing tight dark blue jeans that tucked into black boots. She had on a loose flannel shirt rolled up to the elbows, her tattoo seemed to escape just below the cuff. The shirt was open, showing a tight lace shirt underneath. It was raised slightly, showing some of the midriff where her skin indented into a V at the hips. She had an urge to grab onto her waist.  
  
"Were you choosing clothes out of the gay section when you got dressed this evening?" Lexa pulled her eyes away from Clarke`s chest to glare at Raven.  
  
"I dress for success, what can I say?" She smiled, slyly "Unlike you bisexuals, Reyes, I know exactly what it is that I want." And while she didn't mean to, her eyes glanced quickly at Clarke and then away. It wasn't fast enough, Raven was smiling ear to ear.  
  
Clarke blushed, looking anywhere but at the girl standing in front of her. "Thanks for inviting me." When she looked up, Lexa looked like she was holding back a laugh.  
  
"Anytime Princess. Look, the rules are simple. Mi Casa Es Su Casa, make yourself at home. The only price for alcohol tonight are your car keys and train passes. Absolutely no one is to drink at my place and get behind the wheel. And if you are taking the train back to the dorm, you need to do it with a mostly sober buddy. Understand?"  
  
Raven smiled and responded by handing over her train pass directly over to the hostess as she walked inside, leaving Clarke to stare at her roommate mouth slightly open. Lexa just laughed.  
  
"If you can't find a sober friend to take you home then you`re welcome to stay here tonight. I have a spare room, though you may want to claim it before Harper passes out in there. Unless you're looking to share a bed. If so, may I suggest having fun with someone who won't pass out on you?" There was a daring twinkle in the brunette's eyes as her left eyebrow arched high. Clarke`s mouth slammed shut, heat rising to her face as she tried to ignore Lexa`s insinuation.  
  
She tried once, twice to swallow the knot in her throat before forcing a confident smile on her face. "Please," she said, "I'm more worried about finding someone who is able to keep up." And with that she slid past Lexa feeling triumphant as she heard the woman whistle behind her.

"Is that a challenge?" Lexa had called out while Clarke pretended not to hear it. Maybe playing hard to get would do the cocky Commander some good. Though Clarke didn't know if she'd be able to keep from folding under the pressure before her hostess.  
  
The atmosphere was electric. Dozens of bodies were dancing against one another where the dinning room table once was. The lights in the lamps around various tables were slowly changing colors from blue to purple, then to red and green and back again. It was clear that this was not a closed invitation party. She felt like she only recognized half of the people here.  
  
In the kitchen people were gathered grabbing beers and mixing drinks, bottles upon bottles of alcohol had been made available. A chalk board stating Pick Your Poison had been beautifully scrawled in bold white writing. There was also an assortment of finger sandwiches, cheeses, meats and desserts stacked atop the kitchen island table.  
  
Clarke walked in a daze. How had they gotten all of this ready in the three hours since getting home from the game? She made her way into the living room which was a little quieter than the dance floor. People sat on the couches she had spent so many hours on in the last several weeks, laughing and drinking. Candles seemed to fill the room, providing the only source of light, a touch she knew was done by Lexa. She smiled.  
  
The door to the roof was lodged open and she could hear people outside. "I wasn't sure what you drank so I figured I'd grab you a glass of the elixir that Lexa has been passing out. She calls it the penicillin and keeps swearing it'll cure your ailments."  
  
Clarke turned to see Bellamy holding a yellowish-orange liquid up to her in a clear plastic glass. There was an excited smile on his face as his eyes seemed to look her down and then back up, resting a little too long just below her shoulders.  
  
"Thanks!" She said loudly, a little too loudly for the room she was in and she blushed which seemed to make his smile grow even wider. She had to admit that he looked very nice, straight black jeans and a light blue button up shirt, hair brushed slightly back no longer hanging in his eyes as it usually did. She remembered when the sight of Finn dressed this way made her stomach flutter. And while she felt a warmness looking up at Bellamy, something felt as though something was missing.  
  
"Has anyone told you that you look" he paused and looked her over again for affect "I mean, wow." She was beginning to wonder how many glasses of liquid courage he had had before she had gotten here.  
  
"Thanks, I wasn't really sure what kind of party this was. I can't really say that I was expecting all of this. I'm not sure I would be able to throw this kind of party if I`d been the last one to score." She took a drink. It was sweet and sour and burned slightly in the back of her throat, a hint of ginger lingering on the tip of her tongue. She smiled. Of course Lexa`s go-to drink of the night involved whiskey.  
  
"Don't worry about it. This is a much bigger party than most. Lexa tends to go overboard, something she can obviously afford to do. Money up the wazoo and all that." He motioned around the size of the place as if emphasizing his point. "The ones during the rest of the year will be much smaller. Even Lexa will reign it in."  
  
She looked at Bellamy with curiosity. "You seem to know a lot about these parties."  
  
Bellamy just smiled. "Being on the football team has its upsides. I usually go to all of the CRU parties through the year, well at least the ones that aren't thrown in the girls-only dorm. Tried to get into that one last year. Lexa put me in a wig and tried to explain that I was the ugliest girl she knew to the floor warden."  
  
"Who instantly handed him a paper bag."  
  
"Liar!" He proclaimed, feigning an angry glare at his sister who came bounding up beside him.  
  
"Clarke, I swear, if you were into girls, Bell as a girl would have sent you running to this hills. Lexa kept saying that if he was the only girl left on earth she would become a nun." Clarke blushed, not entirely sure why. _"If you were into girls"_ a gnawing voice said in the back of her mind. She pushed the thought away, taking another drink.  
  
"You look great, O." She said to the girl, clad in a slim black dress that had a slit that ended mid-thigh, not leaving much to the imagination.  
  
"Aww, thanks!" She turned to her brother. "Sorry, Bell, I need to steal Clarkey over here. Lincoln seems to be in some deep conversation with Lexa and Miller and I need someone to dance with me. Someone who can show Lincoln just what he's missing out on,"  
  
Bellamy groaned "Ask Raven!"  
  
"She`s too busy being the sandwich meat between some girl that Lexa keeps ignoring and some guy who Harper is obviously too scared out of her mind to talk to, some Wick guy. And it's not really up to you. Not your celebration, bro!" And with that, without any input on what Clarke wanted to do, she was being grabbed around the wrist and dragged out to the dance floor.  
  
To say the space was packed was an understatement. But that didn't stop Octavia from forcing herself in a space within eyeshot of the broad shouldered football player in an attempt to coerce him out of his current conversation. She faced Clarke and began to sway very close to her, one leg between hers as she started to move her hips from side to side, down then up. Clarke followed suit, feeling the rhythm of the song, though slightly uncomfortable with this close positioning.  
  
She looked over and saw the trio sitting in the corner. Miller was sitting in a chair facing away from them moving his hands as if he was trying to get the others to see reason and Lincoln sat there just shaking his head at the guy. Lexa seemed somewhat uninterested. The chair she sat in had a much higher backing, thicker at the arm rests and Clarke mused that it looked almost as if she were on a throne compared to the other two.  
  
She was leaning onto the right armrest, her elbow against it and her hand holding up her whiskey glass as if it were Yorick`s skull that Hamlet held. She had her right foot planted firmly on the ground and her left leg was draped over the left armrest, the hanging foot swaying to the music. Her eyes looked slightly glossed over. How many glasses of straight whiskey had the woman consumed already? Three? Four?  
  
Lexa was shaking her head now, apparently disagreeing with both boys when her eyes seemed to catch Clarke on the dance floor. She could see Lexa freeze, foot and eyes no longer moving fueling Clarke to put more effort into seduction than just following Octavia`s moves.  
  
Clarke lifted her arm, running her hand through her hair and gently holding her drink hand against O`s waist. She closed her eyes for a slow moment before returning them back to Lexa who hadn't moved an inch. How long did they stay like that, starring at one another while Clarke moved her hips against Octavia? Long enough apparently that both boys had noticed that Lexa was no longer paying any attention to them and Lincoln looked to see what had her attention.  
  
She ripped her gaze away from Lexa`s feeling heat take over her face down to her stomach, and in time to see Lincoln stumbling over to them, his hands grabbing O`s hips. "Thanks!" She mouthed before giddily turning to dance against her boyfriend.  
  
Feeling more confident Clarke continued to sway her hips as she turned to Lexa who had her jaw set firm, eyes still fixated and Clarke held out her hand, beckoning Lexa to join her with the curl of her index finger. It looked for a moment like the breath was sucked of her before a sly smile played on Lexa`s lips as she shook her head no and instead used her own index finger to motion Clarke to come to her.  
  
Smiling wider, she tried to ignore the pressure building in her stomach, building lower. Clarke then shook her head no, refusing to give up any decorum of control. Again signaling Lexa over. And Lexa looked away, as if to find a spot to lay her glass before succumbing to Clarke`s request and Clarke closed her eyes. Two strong hands placed themselves on Clarke`s hips. Smiling, she finished off the drink in her hand as she focused on swaying to the music.  
  
She let the music take over. She could picture it in her mind perfectly, green eyes barring down on her. Firm, long fingers ran a trail down her neck. Moments later, lips were following that trail. But the lips weren't as soft as she had imagined, something scratching against her skin. There was a soft biting at her neck, a low groan, pressure poking against her lower back. Immediately she stopped dancing. She pulled away, turning to see Bellamy, his eyes black as night.  
  
"Getting a little carried away there, Bell" she laughed nervously.  
  
A small smile graced his lips. "Was I moving too fast? I'll go slower, work my way there slowly." His voice was gruff.  
  
She looked around, Lexa was nowhere to be found. "I'm sorry," she looked at Bellamy "I need to..." she trailed, still not seeing any sign of the brunette, "I need some air." Then she was off, leaving him to stare at the empty spot where she just stood.

\--------------

"Basketball is so much harder to play than any other sport," Miller exclaimed, throwing up his hands to demonstrate what Lexa had to assume represented the perfect jump shot. "And you want to talk about stamina!" As the boy rambled off Lexa could feel her eyes rolling into the back of her head.  
  
She looked at Lincoln who was clearly exasperated by Miller`s suggestion that basketball was better than football and she found herself wondering what the need was for these men to define their manliness and skill amongst themselves based on the sport they played. She had to admit she was more curious as to why they wanted her to bare witness to their testimonies. Manliness did absolutely nothing for her.  
  
She starred at the drink in her hand, the brown liquid dancing in the glass. If any sport was more superior it was soccer. Running without timeouts, now that's stamina. And she had more than enough to keep up with anyone. Despite what the blonde had suggested earlier.  
  
Clarke. The thought of her made her skin warm. _"Or it could be the third whiskey making you flush"_ she told herself. Or it could be the image in her head that she had had on a constant loop for the last three nights of the blonde pulled flush against her body, open lips beaconing her forward, hands roughly gripping at her tie, taking control. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the image but in the motion her eyes caught sight of a yellow blur out of the side of her vision and turned to see Clarke starring right at her.  
  
She felt like she couldn't move. Clarke`s body was moving suggestively, all pretense out the window. The way her eyes smoldered, the way her lips were slightly parted, the way Octavia was grabbing at Clarke`s stomach. And then Clarke`s hands were in her hair. The other moved to Octavia`s hips. Lexa so badly wanted to grab onto the blonde`s hips as she had the other night and instinctively her own hand clenched which happened to be against her own thigh, building a hot sensation deep inside her. She snapped her teeth tight together, suppressing the growl in her throat.  
  
"Earth to Lexa! Hello? What is she..." She wished Miller would just shut the hell up.  
  
"You know what Miller, whatever you say man. Hockey is totally the best." And she could see Lincoln get up out of the corner of her eye, making his way to the dance floor.  
  
"Hockey? Who the hell was talking about hockey? Basketball!"  
  
"Shut up, Miller!" She growled, keeping her eyes on the blonde who had let go of her friend and was now staring right at her, hips swaying, tongue darting across her lower lip, beckoning her onto the dance floor with a flick of her finger.  
  
Lexa could definitely feel it then, the heat burning lower and she shifted in her seat where she felt as if at any moment she would start to pool, if she hadn't already. But there was no way she was going to be summoned by the freshman. If Clarke wanted her, she would come to her. She repeated the motion given to her.  
  
This seemed to just add fuel to the blonde's fire as she defiantly demanded again. And Lexa couldn't help it. It's like her body had a mind of its own. I wanted her, it was going to have her. She got up and reached across Miller - who still looked highly confused - to put down her drink. She was going to need two hands for this. But as she turned, what stood before her made reason and reality come crashing down, pulling her back down to Earth.  
  
The other Blake sibling was now holding the blonde to him and the blondes eyes were closed, a look of pure ecstasy on her face. A look that had she not been pressed up against the boy could have very well given her an amazing mental image to use over and over again. Instead what she felt was like a kick to the midsection. And as his fingers trailed down her neck, making Clarke bite her bottom lip, Lexa found she couldn't take it anymore.  
  
She retrieved her whiskey glass and pushed through the crowd. People were yelling her name in celebration, all clearly inebriated. She didn't bother to stop and talk, she just continued forward, up the stairs and onto the roof.  
  
The air was crisp and cold, sending the feeling of ice coursing in her veins, something she desperately needed. There were stringy lights strewn all across the posts of the roof area overhead and three girls Lexa didn't recognize were sitting in the corner talking amongst themselves. She could feel their eyes turn to watch her as she walked to the roofs end, slowly bending down and leaning her elbows against the edge. She groaned.  
  
Why should she care that Clarke was enjoying herself with Bellamy Blake? She didn't belong to her. Lexa shook her head. So much had seemed to change between her and Clarke over the last week. She couldn't get that moment outside of Clarke`s dorm room out of her head. But the look on Clarke`s face as she stood in Bellamy`s arms made Lexa wonder if she had been wrong about Clarke`s intentions. Maybe all she wanted was a good time. The feeling of jealousy and anger had taken possession of her thoughts coating everything she thought in an unreasonable rage.

She raised the glass to her lips, gulping down the half glass of whiskey, the feeling of fire burning down her throat, momentarily burning deep in her chest. She shook her head, trying forcibly to remove the hazy feeling in her head. And then she took a deep breath more determined to keep it together than ever.  
  
"Hey" the voice was quiet and she didn't turn to look. She needed to play off what just happened. She needed to act like nothing that just happened mattered. She needed another drink.  
  
"The view up here at night is pretty spectacular," Lexa stated. It was the first thing that came to her mind that wasn't centered around the idea that Clarke was very much interested in the boy downstairs. "When the realtor sold it to me he kept trying to explain how breathtaking it was. All his droning on and on, and I'm just not sure that talking about it could do it justice." There were lights as far as the eye could see. The further away the lights got the more they blended together until the lights were a straight line on the horizon meeting the vast darkness of the sky.  
  
Lexa turned and gave Clarke a small smile before turning her attention back to the skyline, determined to not show the hurt and anger that so clearly lay beneath the surface. "And yet I don't come up here very much anymore and when I do it's not to appreciate the beauty of it all."  
  
"Then what do you do up here at night?" Clarke asked as she leaned beside her and Lexa could feel the heat radiating off of her arm before Clarke leaned into it, causing their skin to touch. She did her best to ignore the sensation running up her arm.  
  
"Honestly? I usually bring girls up here and try to impress them with my knowledge of stars and constellations with hopes of getting them into bed." Lexa knew that nothing seemed to disgust Clarke more than her ability to discard women. And a small part of her, that seemed to be growing in size, wanted Clarke to feel the hurt that she felt now.  
  
What she didn't expect was for Clarke to laugh and say "and if I was one of those girls, what would you say?" She turned to see the blonde looking at her, a crooked smile on her face. And for reasons unknown to Lexa she could almost feel the anger boiling inside of her as if it were a physical manifestation. Her thoughts were becoming more unreasonable, more illogical.  
  
Is that what Clarke really wanted? She wanted to have her one time lesbian encounter with the captain of the soccer team so that ten years from now when she sat around with her husband and her married friends she could talk about that one time she was crazy and adventurous in college. She scoffed. And at the same time she knew that she wasn't being fair. How was that so much different than what she had been doing herself? Having adventurous sex with as many girls as she could get. _"But at least I never go out of my way to do that to a friend"_ she thought.  
  
Lexa got up and moved to stand behind Clarke, pointing her right hand just to the right of where they were standing, using her left to grab Clarke`s waist and pull her back flush against her body. When she heard Clarke inhale sharply she buried her head into her hair which smelled strongly of vanilla. "Do you see that cluster of stars there, that look like a snake with a trapezoidal head?" she whispered in a huskier voice than normal.  
  
She could feel the blonde try to swallow something deep in her throat, managing only a small nod of the head. "That`s the Draco constellation which means dragon or large serpent. Now there are many origin stories for the constellation but I prefer the early Christian version where it represents the serpent that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden. Our deepest desires are born from that apple, and with it our knowledge of sin. And as we stand here looking up at that serpent it almost seems like fate has brought us together under it because holding you now there's nothing more that I want than to indulge in my desires and sink my teeth into the proverbial apple that is your body." She paused and then fully let go of the blonde taking a large step back and thrusting her hands into her pockets where they would be unable to reach out for the girl that her body was clearly singing for.  
  
Clarke turned around, looking visibly shaken, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. Lexa forced her gaze back up to the serpent, rocking back and forth on her heels attempting to feign disinterest. "And then what?" She could hear the shakiness in Clarke`s voice, a lustful desire but all Lexa could think about is her in Bellamy`s arms, face contorted into a pleasurable grin and the jealousy surging in her along with the copious amount of whiskey allowed the small voice in her head to take over.  
  
"Well, then I take you back to my room, have my way with you and then call you a cab and hope that you don't take it too bad when I never call you back." When she looked down she could see that Clarke`s face had turned hard, almost like she had been reacting to being slapped.  
  
"There's a reason I don't sleep with my friends or my teammates, Griffin. The sex wouldn't be worth the headache. Keep that in mind when you're trying to decide whether you're okay screwing Octavia`s brother. You two fighting about how you get your rocks off could affect the team."  
  
"Excuse me?!" The blonde fired but Lexa had passed the point of reason.  
  
"And if he really is that good of a lay, be sure to wrap it up. I know that O has a stash in her nightstand. You won't be any good to me if you're knocked up, Princess." And with that Lexa turned and walked away back downstairs to find the first female stranger she could find, leaving Clarke furious in her wake.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, no one wanted the chapter to end this way but I swear I can fix it! Am I going to fix it? Maybe :) BTW, the Penecilin is by far one of my favorite whiskey drinks when I'm not in the mood for something straight.
> 
> Thanks again for all the love and support. I was glad to hear that people enjoyed the soccer portion of the last chapter, it helped me make the decision to write about their first away game which will be a few chapters from now. 
> 
> I will try and get the next chapter out by Sunday!


	11. ...And I'll Cry if I Want To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 10:  
> In the last chapter the girls were celebrating the victory of their win with a party at Lexa's house which was really a roller coaster of emotions for Clarke, leaving Clarke standing on the roof trying to figure out what the hell had just happened between her and Lexa.
> 
> Enjoy!

The rest of the evening was a blur.

Clarke had stayed up on that roof, starring at the empty doorway for what seemed like an eternity. A war had been raging inside of her. There was a side of her so desperate to feel Lexa`s warmth against her, breathing her in as shivers raced up and down her body with every vibration of whispered words against her ear.

There was another side of her that was livid beyond belief, being left up here with an extremely cold chill against her back. She felt like a child who had had their newest, most favorite toy ripped away from them. But more so than that she felt as if she was being judged by the one person who had the least amount of right to judge her. And without much care about right or reason she found herself extremely pissed off at the boy downstairs who had started this chain of events that had taken her day from pure joy to, well, she couldn't even describe what this was.

But even more predominant than the anger was the feeling of confusion that layered a thick blanket of fog over everything. She couldn't figure out where one emotion ended and another one started.

She longed for the girl with the green eyes to come back but also longed for the days before she had ever met Lexa Woods. It felt now like life had been so much simpler then. But then again, doesn't the past always seem more simplistic than at the moment we are living it? The pain we felt two years ago hurts far more when it happens then it does in retrospect. The moment it happens, the pain takes over us. As we reflect on it, there is just a memory that pain had once occurred. And then we forget.

Clarke needed this moment to be forgotten, pushed back into the past, just a bitter memory. So when Monroe came through the door with a huge tray of whiskey shots with a half dozen people behind her Clarke found herself having one. And then two. And then three. And as the half dozen people cheered her name, four.

What was left of the evening was a collection of images and short time spans that hardly made sense.

There was Jasper using a candle to try and light a shot on fire.

There was Raven pressing some blonde-ish guy up against the wall.

There was Indra yelling "Damn it, Clarke, stop trying to put that hat on me." But she looked so good in the cowboy hat.

Another shot, this one didn't even burn!

Clarke was challenging someone to a dance battle.

There was Bellamy grabbing her ass on the dance floor before a brunette jumped between them, pushing him away. She yelled something, Bellamy looked frightened.

There was Clarke hugging a toilet bowl, her face shoved inside as her body wretched.

There was a strong hand in her hair, holding it out of her face while another rubbed at her upper back. "That's it, Princess, let it out."

There was a feeling of floating. But it wasn't really floating, she could feel limbs under her arm and the back of her knees. Her head lulled back as her eyes starred at a spinning ceiling.

There was a soft laugh and a reply "No, I haven't seen the muffin man. We can look for him tomorrow but you need to sleep here, okay?" Green eyes with concern and regret. A soft, cool hand at her cheek. Fluffy blankets all around her.

"But I don't want to find the muffin man tomorrow. Tomorrow he'll be an asshole." The words sounded slurred. The laugh above her sounded sing-song, nice.

It all ended in darkness.

\----------

Her head felt like it wanted to split itself open. It throbbed and ached. And as Clarke sat up she immediately felt dizzy, instantly falling back onto the soft pillows with a large groan. Slowly she opened her eyes and as she turned she could see the dim light of the morning sun barely reaching the sky outside. Her whole body felt drained.

She lifted her hand to her face but with little control she only managed to slap herself which also seemed to trigger in her the realization that this wasn't her room. A feeling of fear and regret rose in her stomach as she steadied herself before turning to look at the person laying next to her but as she turned, there was no one there.

The bed beside her looked as if it hadn't been disturbed and as she lifted the covers to look at herself she noticed that she was still in her clothes from the night before. A sigh of relief escaped her mouth. At least until glimmers of images came rushing back to her and again she groaned.

She took a moment more to compose herself before deciding that it was still early enough for her to possibly slip out of here before waking anyone. When she looked around she realized that she had never been in this room before. The bedding was white, a gray animal fur blanket covering the bottom half of the bedding. There was a red, leather sofa in the corner of the room with a small round table that had a reading lamp and a book on top of it, its pages looking worn as if it had been read over and over again.

A soccer bag lay next to the door, cleats placed neatly on top of it. The nightstand beside the bed had a clock that read 6:30 and a notebook with a blue pen on top of it, a tall candle in the corner. The dresser had another candle on it, a bottle of Tom Ford 'Tuscan Leather' perfume, and a small bowl filled with coins and rings, a set of keys.

The room itself was pristine, every object looking as if it had been thoughtfully placed. She was sure if she had run a white glove across any surface of the room it would have remained completely white. It also felt empty completely void of color and cheerfulness. But the bed was more comfortable than any she had been in before, the sheets were extremely soft to the touch and the blankets fluffy and warm. She could see herself getting lost in the comfort and staying here all day. But she pushed back the thought and swung her legs off the bed, her feet landing on a soft fur rug atop the wooden floor. And a sharp pain ran straight through her head. Her stomach felt weak and empty, nausea still in the back of her throat.

She got up slowly, steadying herself against the nightstand. She could see the book on the small round table more clearly now, _One Hundred Years of Solitude_ written on the cover. It was then that she noticed her boots beside the chair. As she began putting them on, the smell of something familiar hit her. It smelled like the woods in the morning after a bonfire the night before. It smelled sweetly of nature. It smelled like Lexa.

Quickly finishing up her laces Clarke quietly exited the room and headed for the front door trying desperately to remember how she got there last night. She could remember getting sick and there was someone there taking care of her, tucking her in, But who...

"Muffin?" She turned to see Lexa learning against the kitchen counter, a coffee mug in hand, steam trails raising from the cup.

"Excuse me?" Clarke asked and she could feel her stomach turning, the discomfort in it growing worse. The anger from the night before hadn't faded.

Lexa motioned to the tray of muffins on the table, a sad laughter in her eyes "You kept going on and on last night about how everyone really needed to accept sugar as their main source of breakfast. And that if anyone in this town were smart they would elect a muffin man as their mayor and we would all love him and be happy. But then for some reason you decided that when you woke up today, he'd be an asshole." Then her eyes turned slightly dark and she looked away.

"I thought it only fitting that since I was an asshole to you last night that I go on and make you muffins. I let a very dark side of myself come out and it was completely uncalled for. You deserve better than that."

Clarke didn't move, she just looked at the girl standing before her who was a complete contrast to the girl on the roof last night. She looked slightly defeated and unsure. Her free hand was gripping the countertop behind her, knuckles white. There was a pain in her eyes when she looked up.

"Clarke," her voice was low almost pleading. She had said her name as if it were a desperate prayer. Clarke had never heard Lexa say her name that way before. She had never said her first name at all, at least not to her. Clarke didn't like the way it made her heart jump into her throat. "About what happened on the roof last night."

"Don't worry about it," she cut her off wanting nothing more than for the pain to leave those eyes; the anger within her was overtaken by a sudden need to shield the normally strong Commander from any form of pain. "I honestly don't remember anything that happened last night." It was a lie. She wasn't sure she would ever be able to forget the feeling of being held by Lexa and then the immediate feeling of being turned away. But it seemed to work, and slowly she could see the pain in Lexa's face turning to relief.

"It's probably a good thing you don't remember," the right corner of Lexa`s lips raised into a sly smile. "When you challenged Raven to a dance battle, we were all a little surprised that your big dance number was the John Travolta dance number from Urban Cowboy. Thank God you found that cowboy hat."

Clarke could feel herself turning green "Please tell me that most people had gone home already."

Lexa just smiled. "Roe promised to bring a fiddler to practice tomorrow." Clarke`s expression made her laugh. It was a laugh that Clarke remembered.

Clarke walked over to the counter and grabbed a muffin. "You carried me to bed last night, you took care of me?"

Lexa didn't respond. She just turned and grabbed the coffee pot, pouring a cup and adding cream and sugar before handing it to Clarke. "Bellamy had called the two of you a cab." Clarke, who had raised the cup to her lips had froze. "I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds but as he went to grab you off the dance floor you didn't really look like you were in any state to consent to anything."

Lexa looked away then, as if ashamed of her actions from the night before. But it was Clarke who felt as if she needed to be ashamed. She had let herself get out of control to the point where she wasn't making her own decisions. And she knew, that had Lexa not stepped in she would have awoken to a very different scenario. A part of her really hoped that Bellamy wouldn't have done anything but she could remember him being pretty drunk as well. The thought made her shiver.

Clarke put down her mug and came around the table to hug Lexa who at first stood there frozen. But as Clarke pulled her in tighter she felt Lexa`s arms wrap around her, holding her close. She breathed the woman in, trying to recommit the scent to memory. Smokey wood, cardamom and amber - it was sweet, musty and reminded her a bit of whiskey.

It wasn't anything like the embrace that they had shared at her dorm room, nothing like the embrace on the roof the night before. This hug seemed to exist in the purest form of comfort, enveloping Clarke in a bath of serenity that she hadn't felt since before her father had died.

Her father had always been one to respond quickly with hugs. A celebration was always cause for a hug as he usually tried to lift Clarke up and spin her in his arms, though that became much harder to do the older she became.

Grief was another cause for hugging. He would hold Clarke close and make shushing noises against her hair as he allowed her to cry onto his shoulder, never much caring that the tears were ruining one of his nicer shirts.

Mundane moments were also cause for hugging. Clarke would be walking around, minding her own business when her father would walk up to her and just hold her close for the briefest of moments. When she would ask what the cause was he would just smile and say "I'm just happy to have you as a daughter."

They made her feel loved and they made her feel important and she had gone far too long without being held this way after having her entire lifetime filled with them. She almost didn't realize how much she missed this, how much she needed this as Lexa held her now. And Clarke found herself wondering how long it had been since Lexa had been hugged. The brunette seemed to be pulling her in as if Clarke was the one thing anchoring her the world around them, and Clarke could feel the hands behind her back grabbing a fistful of her loose shirt from the night before.

She knew that Lexa had many intimate relationships but sleeping with someone - while intimate - did not always match the intimacy of just existing vulnerably in someone else's arms. And they both stood there letting themselves give over to the moment, vulnerability and openness existing amongst the other. And the sheer rawness of it made Clarke shake, letting out a soft cry as a few tears began to fall down her face which made Lexa pull the girl in even tighter as if trying to protect her form whatever it was that was making her unhappy. And in that moment Clarke felt safe. She felt cared for.

"Thank you," Clarke whispered.

Lexa let out a deep sigh and buried her face into blonde hair. Clarke could feel Lexa shaking softly beneath her touch. "What are friends for?"

_Friends_. The word sent a warm sensation through her. Was that what she wanted? After what happened on the roof last night Clarke didn't know, but for now it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that may not have fixed everything but our girls are in a much better place now. And I thought that Lexa was actually pretty sweet in this chapter, not over the top sweet but in terms of what Lexa normally is? Maybe she's starting to get there.
> 
> Thanks for all the love. A lot of strong reactions from the last chapter, and I don't blame you; me leaving it hanging like that was a bit of a dick move. But what's life without a little bit of angst? Plus I decided to post this one pretty quickly to try and make up for it.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one. Let me know what you think!


	12. Some Friendly Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11 Recap:  
> Clarke attempted to fix her problems with alcohol which just seemed to get her into more problems at the party. Though at least Drunk Clarke is a fun time who is a fan of sugary breakfast treats. And we also found out that deep down, Lexa cares.
> 
> Forewarning:  
> There are a couple sentences in this one that involves religion which tends to be a touchy subject for a lot of people. I'm not pushing my beliefs, I'm merely sharing my own personal experience in the eyes of Raven. Art imitates life.

"Remind me to never drink like that again," Clarke groaned as she shoved a small piece of grilled cheese into her mouth that she really didn't want to eat but knew she needed something in her stomach.

"I don't know. Drunk Clarke is the life of the party." Clarke looked up to glare at her roommate who was wearing the darkest sunglasses that she owned.

Clarke had walked up to her dorm room at the exact same time as Raven, both of them wearing their clothes from the night before. Raven`s reaction was to reach out and give Clarke a high-five but Clarke just shook her head and stated that they were having different walk-of-shame moments. Raven just rolled her eyes and suggested that they go cure their hangovers with something greasy.

While something greasy did not sound at all appealing, Raven swore it was the best remedy. And Clarke had to admit that even though she wasn't enjoying a single bite of her breakfast, her stomach was beginning to feel less like a punching bag.

"So do you want to tell me what happened to you last night?"

"I don't know what happened last night, Ray. It was all a bit blurry. All I know was that I kicked your ass in a dance battle." Clarke gave a smug smile to her friend while she shoved another piece of bread into her mouth.

"That's not what I mean."

"I don't know what you mean. Like I said, I don't really remember much of last night."

Raven sighed and Clarke could see an exasperated look cross the girl`s features. "I mean before you decided to get yourself shit faced, Griffin. One minute everything seemed fine. You were dancing with Octavia on the dance floor, clearly trying to seduce Woods. Then you're on the dance floor letting Bellamy grope you, which sent Woods running out of there. Then five minutes later you are chasing after her.

"Then it appears that you lost control because half an hour after that you are practically stumbling down the stairs with your arm draped around Monroe telling Jasper that it would be awesome if he started lighting everyone's shots on fire and chasing around Indra with some random cowboy hat. So maybe you don't remember what happened last night, but there is something going on."

Clarke wasn't really sure what to say, she was even less certain that she wanted to have this conversation. "Pretty observant for someone who spent a majority of the night sucking face with the tall blonde guy. His name was Wick, right?"  
  
She could feel Raven staring at her, but Clarke just kept her head down pretending to be more interested in her food. A long moment of silence passed between them. "Did you sleep with Woods?"

"No," Clarke answered immediately, finally looking at her roommate.

"Do you want to sleep with Woods? I mean we both know you're having some erotic dreams about the girl, but is this something that is more than just some unconscious fantasy?" Raven had put her fork down to focus on the girl in front of her. She was often teasing Clarke about Lexa but that wasn't the tone she had in her voice now. She was being sincere and she wanted to be there for her friend.

It was a simple question but it wasn't really a simple answer. Before the party she had been hoping for it. After she was left standing on the roof last night she told herself that it would be the worst decision of her life. But then being in Lexa`s arms this morning was making her second guess what it was she felt. She didn't know.

"Does it matter?" was all she muttered.

"It does. And I know that you haven't asked me for my opinion but if you are just looking to get laid, while Woods would probably blow your mind in bed, she really isn't the best choice."

Silence stood between them for another few minutes before Clarke said anything and when she did it wasn't much louder than a whisper. "Finn is the only ever person I slept with and we had been dating for two years before that happened. I've never been the kind of girl that was just looking to get laid."

Raven seemed to mull this over. "So what you're feeling for Woods?"

"Is confusing." Clarke finished, then she shook her head. "Or maybe it isn't confusing. If I was having these feelings for Bellamy I would say that I was interested in him and I would have made a move by now."

"Then what's holding you back? Is it the fact that she's the Commander or the fact that the equipment between her legs doesn't swing?" And as if to emphasize her point, Raven dangled her spoon handle between her index finger and thumb and swayed it from side to side.

Clarke rolled her eyes but gave the girl a small grin. "It's more than that. Last night I saw a side of Lexa that scared me."

"You didn't know the Commander could be scary?" Raven looked at her and laughed as if it was the most ridiculous statement she had ever made.

"No, that's not what I mean." And she sighed, trying to find the right words. "One minute she is warm and present and the next she can be cold and cruel. This 'come here, go there' trip she's fond of, it's exhausting. And the minute I get close to her she puts up walls to push me out. I don't know what she wants from me!"

Raven began to look slightly uncomfortable, the way one might when they're keeping a secret from you. "Look, I wish I could tell you what you wanted to know about Woods but it isn't my place. All I know is that as bad as things may have been for me or how they have been for you this past year...she's known more. She has gone through so much more than anyone I've ever known and I remind myself of that whenever I feel a need kick a soccer ball into her face." And with that she gave Clarke a small reassuring grin.

"We've all had painful memories of our past."

"She has more." Raven said it with a stern conviction that Clarke knew meant that she shouldn't question.

Clarke bit the side of her lip wondering if what she wanted to ask was too personal. "How did deal with deciding to be with a girl for the first time?"

Clarke watched as the brunette ran a hand through her hair and gnawed at the inside of her cheek. "I'd known for years that I was interested in girls before I had acted on it. I come from a very religious family where being anything different than straight was more than just frowned upon. We were told that it was a sin that would send us straight to Hell. So for years I tucked the feelings away. I prayed on them." She scoffed, sounding nearly disgusted with herself.

"It was hard for me because I was just as attracted to men as I was women so it was hard for me to deny it when people said that it was a choice. But one summer I met this beautiful woman named Adrianna who was in the choir at my church. We had spent nearly every waking hour together that summer and one thing led to another. I found that I didn't care about what other people said. Being with her did not feel wrong. And then she kissed me and that didn't feel wrong either. And then we slept together and not only did that not feel wrong, it felt amazing.

"I struggled with that for a long time. It's hard to be raised to believe something your entire life, to have it engraved in your soul, and then to have to try and justify your actions against those beliefs? I knew in my mind that it wasn't wrong, that God wasn't going to hate me for giving love to another person. I knew that if He was going to have an issue with someone it would be with His followers that continued to preach hate in His name. But that didn't stop the fact that every time Adrianna and I had sex that I felt as if I were unclean afterwards.

"It wasn't until I let it tear us apart that I realized that I was no better than the people I was beginning to hate because that hatred still lived within me. I wasn't until I completely let go and I let myself accept the person that I was, that I was able to be happy.

"But to answer your question, I let Adrianna make the first move every step of the way. I let her make the decision for me. And while I needed it at the time, I no longer feel the need to wait around for people to make the first move. The thing with happiness is that it's not something that you wait around for, hoping that it will happen to you. It's something that you need to make for yourself."

"So if I want Lexa then you think that I should go for it?"

The question seemed to make Raven shift in her seat. "Yes. But I think that you need to make sure that this is what you really want. If it were any other person I would say go for it, test the waters. But if things don't work out? She`s not just the leader of our soccer team for the rest of the year, she'll be around next year as well. And if things go bad you are going to have to live with seeing her every single day."

"So you think it's a bad idea?"

Raven smiled. "I am the queen of making bad decisions, which was proven by my inability to foresee the fact that setting off a bomb in a school would be very much frowned upon. All I'm saying is that you should think this through. Though for what it's worth, I think you two would make a great couple. Plus if you started dating her I'm pretty sure you could introduce me to some of her rich friends." Raven was grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm not sure Wick would appreciate the statement."

Raven rolled her eyes. "You know, Woods` sex euphemism about dipping the wick was all I could think about while I was screwing Wick last night! Remind me to come up with something that involves your name with a sexual act so that I could place that little nugget inside of Woods' head."

Clarke laughed. "Sorry, but that will be the last thing that I would ever remind you to do."

\----------

"You're letting this girl get inside your head." Indra had spoken the words in Trigedasleng which led Lexa to believe that this conversation was meant to be more of a lecture than a discussion. She could feel her jaw tightening, in no mood to discuss the blonde with the girl she had known practically her whole life.

The tie between their families had followed a long, intricate relationship that had lasted through multiple generations. Their families had belonged to the Trigedakru tribe, named for their long and rich history amongst landscapes generally blanketed with trees. And Lexa`s family was perhaps the most prestigious of bloodlines.

Her family for as many generations as the stories went back, commanded the Trikru people through times of war and peace. The chain of command went down generation to generation to the eldest child still alive when the commander had passed. These children would be given arranged marriages to families deemed worthy to help carry a strong bloodline and the need for love was vastly outweighed by that of obligation. And the transition had gone flawlessly - or so Lexa had been told - until her mother.

Lexa`s grandfather had been the reigning commander when Lexa`s mother had been born and found himself unable to produce another child. As such it was expected for her mother to marry a boy from the neighboring village and take command of their people but she had found herself in love with a boy from the modern world and they had run away together, skirting her responsibility. When she had returned pregnant with Anya out of wedlock her father had banished her away from the reservation. Though as he still very much loved his daughter, he provided for her a home as close to the reservation border as they could get.

Anya had never been interested with her heritage, not the way Lexa had. Her mother had warned her that they were not welcome in Trikru lands but Lexa still found herself sneaking away to be a part of the land and her grandfather hadn't the heart to push her away. Instead he found himself welcoming her in, filling her with the traditions of her people and instilling in her their cultures leaving Lexa to grow up straddling the line between two different worlds, the one of her ancestors and the one their current circumstance.

Lexa would never lay claim to the leadership of their people, her mother`s desecration of their traditions made sure of that, but it didn't stop Lexa`s grandfather from wanting his granddaughter to experience what should have been bestowed upon her. So despite decorum, he had gone to Indra`s father, his dearest friend`s son, for a favor he had no right to ask for.

Indra`s family line had been filled generation by generation of warriors that served at the right hand of the Commander, offering protection and consul without question - Seconds. These seconds were held in very high regard and were groomed from an early age to spend their time amongst their commanders. As children they would be inseparable in the hopes that a bond would form between the two, something deeper than friendship.

Indra`s oldest brother was already devoted to Lexa`s third cousin, who was the next in line to take command. The second son was paired with his brother. As Indra had no prospects to second, Lexa`s grandfather asked the favor and it wasn't long after that the two girls were placed together, living in tradition despite the fact that no formal positioning would be granted from it. It was something that the girls took seriously anyway and something that was respected amongst their people.

And the girls took care of one another, respecting the Trikru culture. It was why after Lexa`s grandfather had passed when she was seven, that Indra`s father took over their training and cultural teachings. It was why the pair had gone to the same schools together well into college. It was why Lexa had setup a scholarship fund with her company and assured that Indra had been the recipient. It was why Lexa bought an apartment big enough to fit her life-long friend with enough space that the two of them would not feel too stifled. And Indra in turned followed Lexa without question. Or at least mostly without question. It wasn't often that Lexa found herself on the receiving end of lectures.

"I know not who you speak of, Indra." Lexa replied in their native tongue. It was clear that Indra had no intention of having this conversation in English.

"Do not play dumb." Indra demanded.

"If you are speaking of Clarke I'm not sure what you are trying to suggest." But even as Lexa said it, she knew it was a lie. Lexa had always been good at keeping her emotions in check. It was something that her grandfather had first taught her as a child. But Indra knew Lexa well and often saw through stony looks and knew the emotions that lay beneath them.

"I understand that you are attracted to the girl, that you may even harbor some feelings for her, but you are letting it take control of you and turn you into someone not fit for your family name." The statement came across harsh, as if it were a slap against Lexa`s face. And while she knew her friend had not meant anything untoward by the statement, it didn't sting any less.

"You let your feelings for Clarke affect your emotions at the game yesterday. One small jab against the ribs and a fire spirit lit inside of you with a taste for blood and retribution and you seemed content on giving in to it."

Lexa shook her head, trying to deny the truth in Indra`s statements. "The Hawks had attacked many of our players, myself included. Clarke`s hit was just the leaf that broke the tree branch. Something had to be done."

"Yet when you threatened the girl you had motioned to Clarke in your rage, you didn't motion to the entirety of your team." When Lexa said nothing, Indra continued. "And it is more than that. You are changing for this girl. You are spending more and more time laughing and joking and acting as if you are just like every other girl on this team. You are camouflaging yourself to try and fit in when you were meant to stand out. And it was something you did not feel the need to do before Clarke came along. You knew your place, you did not question being Heda."

"And what of it, Indra?" Lexa retorted defiantly. She could feel her blood beginning to boil and she was becoming less and less accepting of Indra`s insinuations. "I will never be Heda. While it may have once been a birth right of my family, there is no way for it to be given to me. I will never own that title. So why hold myself as if I can?"

Indra just shook her head. "Costia had been the only person who had ever filled your head with such disrespectful thoughts." The mention of Costia brought a metallic taste to Lexa`s mouth and she could feel her body beginning to shake. It was something unspoken between them that they never talked about the girl that once had become Lexa`s entire world. The girl who also brought it all crashing down.

"Lexa, is next Monday not the fifth? With such an anniversary drawing near how are you finding yourself falling back into the one place you said you would never go again? Or does the date no longer haunt you? Does your loss-"

But Lexa could not take it any longer. Her blood had begun to boil over and the anger was now pouring and her tone as she cut off her friend was dripping with so much malice that a look of fear and pain overtook Indra`s eyes for just a moment. "Do not pretend that you know a thing about my loss. Being there and witnessing something happen does not mean that you have the slightest idea as to how it feels."

"Forgive me, Heda. It is just that every year I watch after you on the fifth and I do not want to see you hurt that way again. I don't want to see someone else drag you back down that rabbit hole."

"And I wish not to see you on the fifth this year." Indra gave Lexa and exasperated look and shook her head, mouth opening to protest but Lexa was going to have none of it. She growled, "No, you will not be here, as it appears my suffering is too much of an inconvenience to you."

"I said no such-"

"I will put you up in a hotel that night, I don't want to see you then and quite honestly I don't really want to see you now, Seken." Both girls stood there glaring at one another, chests rising and falling quickly with their anger before Indra stood up and shook her head. She let out a curt bow, emphasizing the formality of the gesture the way one would a stranger and not a friend, before turning and walking out the front door.

Lexa sat there fuming and unable to control her anger she grabbed the closest object and threw it heavily against the door her Second had disappeared behind. The sound of glass shattering boomed across the room, crackling with the sharpness of Lexa`s emotions. And as she let herself succumb to her petulance, she grabbed a broom to sweep up the mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you have Clarke Griffin sexual euphemisms then Raven would be much appreciated as Clarke was absolutely no help.
> 
> So I've mentioned to a few people that the next chapter is going to have a pretty fun Clexa scene and I am sticking by that! Hopefully I'll have that one out Wednesday (California time). Again I want to say thanks for all of the love and comments! It's always good to know that people are enjoying what I put out there.


	13. What's In a Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 Recap:  
> With the events of the party behind them Clarke turned to Raven for advice who gave her a cautious optimism. Lexa on the other hand received a lecture from her closest friend. Both girls were left with much to think about, likely not sure of what it is they are feeling.
> 
> I decided to post this one a little early. Please enjoy! This is one of the longer chapters that I have written...

She felt as if the world around her now was completely alive, filled with greens and browns and reds and blues that came to life more than they did in the city. Clarke found herself dreaming about the forest the entire week. She also was enjoying that this forest run was allowing her alone time with Lexa that they hadn't had since the morning of the party a week ago. She felt as if her world was shifting at a faster rate than she could contend with. It had been two weeks since Lexa had taken her here last but it felt more like a month, maybe more.

Raven had given her a lot to think about and Clarke had spent a few days trying to sort out her own feelings but every time she seemed to think about it she just felt more confused. She had decided that she wanted to talk to Lexa about it but every time the two of them found themselves alone together, Lexa had found an excuse to escape. And as Lexa ran out the door she felt as if she were pulling a string that had been attached to her soul and it was slowly unraveling her.

The only exception had been during their morning runs. But those usually started with Lexa running out the door leaving Clarke to follow and then getting back just in time for Clarke to need to leave in order to make it to her classes on time. So while they found themselves alone together it left Clarke with little more than stolen glances and exhaustive breaths.

It was beginning to put her in a sour mood and she found herself being annoyed at her friends. It didn't help that they had spent the last week teasing her about how wild she had gotten in her drunk state at the party. On Monday, as promised to a slight extent, Monroe brought in a playlist of fiddler music and played it over the gym`s sound system while they did weights in the morning which were now on Mondays and Wednesdays.

On Tuesday someone had placed a cowboy hat in her soccer bag and they demanded that she wear it while at practice. Lexa had laughed and allowed it for about ten minutes until it began affecting Clarke`s playing and then took it away much to the disappointment of the team.

On Thursday someone had bought a life sized John Travolta cut out from the movie Urban Cowboy and placed it in the locker room. By Friday someone had pasted a picture of Clarke`s face over the cardboard figure. Clarke had sworn to herself that she would never get that drunk in front of these girls again.

So when Saturday night rolled around Clarke found herself retiring early and deciding to wake up and make it over to Lexa`s apartment before the brunette left to go for a trail run in the forest. And Lexa had been surprised to see her standing at her door. Before she could ask what Clarke was doing there the blonde said that she needed to escape the city for awhile.

Lexa seemed to mull it over, having a ten second argument with herself in her head before sighing and pulling the girl along with her. Lexa`s demeanor as they stood together on the train made Clarke second guess coming. She had been secretly hoping that Lexa would have greeted her with a warm smile and a hug, enthusiastic over the thought of her coming along. What she got was a girl who looked so lost in thought that emotion completely eluded her facial features who at best would steal side glances at her running partner behind her. But once the run began, Clarke tried to let the feeling of being unwelcome wash away from her thoughts and focused on the beauty around her.

Lexa had taken her down a different trail this time called the Skaren Trail which Lexa said meant "scar trail" in Trigedasleng. And as they ran through the winding trail that ran jagged along the earth she felt as if the trail itself may have appeared to look like a scar slashed into the forest. What neither girl had planned for was the rising heat that began to scorch the morning, unseasonably warm for the time of year.

Lexa had made it to the clearing, panting under the morning sun, doubling over to grab onto her knees while Clarke came in two minutes later, having pulled off her hoodie to what was thankfully a sleeveless t-shirt. Her lungs were burning and there was a metallic taste like blood in the back of her throat. She licked her lips and they were salty from the sweat that was beginning to drop down her chin and neck. Much like the last time they were here, she collapsed into the grass and reveled in the coolness of it.

Clarke turned from her position to hear Lexa groan "jok" which sounded very much like an expletive as she looked over the long sleeve t-shirt she was wearing. Clarke could see drops of sweat falling from the girl`s nose, a red color visible on her cheeks. What she did next made Clarke`s very high heart rate being to skip a few beats.

"I hope you aren't overly concerned with modesty," was all she said before pealing the shirt off her body leaving her torso bare except for a bright orange sports bra. As she was struggling to get the shirt over her arms and head, clearly annoyed over how it stuck to her body, Clarke found herself fixated on the tanned, toned girl in front of her. Her body seemed to glisten in the morning sun, saturated with drops of salty wetness. Her stomach was flat with the hint of abs lingering just below the surface and her loose pants were riding low, showing off a Calvin Kline label and indentations in her body at her hips.

She could see the equality symbol tattoo on her ribs but above it just beneath her bra line she saw the tracing of lettering peaking out. Another tattoo existed on the side of her hip. It was a geometric symbol made of dozens of small hexagons which looked from afar as if it had been a soccer ball made of red wires. Clarke found herself wanting to trace each line and she attempted to swallow the lump in her throat.

"You're staring," Lexa said, sounding amused.

At least she sounded as if she were in a better mood, Clarke thought as she tore her eyes away from the girl and forced herself to look up into the sky. "Sorry," gruffly falling from her lips.

She tried not to watch Lexa as she walked across the clearing to lay beside Clarke but it was as if her body had no interest to listening to her mind. So she watched from the corner of her eye as Lexa`s chest rose and fell as she seemed to take in a deep breath of the world around them, closing her eyes as if to immerse herself in nature. Slowly Clarke turned and followed suit, trying to take in everything around her.

But she was unable to concentrate on anything except for the girl beside her. All she could smell was the woodsy scent of smoke and cardamom that she had only ever smelled on Lexa. All she could feel was the buzzing in the air that sat between them, sparked with tension. All she could see was Lexa holding her against her body, arm leaned up against her dorm room door. All she could taste was the memory of the minty flavor from her breath.

"Clarke, you think far too loudly for a place as quiet as this."

Clarke could feel herself blushing. She could also feel something inside of her stir. She loved the way Lexa said her name, almost as if her tongue were clicking against the K. Again Clarke apologized. Sorry seemed to be the word of the day.

Lexa just sighed. "Are you excited about going back home for Thanksgiving break?"

Clarke let out a huff. The school would be closing down for the third week of November for fall break and while Clarke had planned to stay in her dorm room in solitude through all of it, she had received a notice earlier in the week that the dorms would be closed also to perform maintenance on the plumbing in the building. Clarke had been absentmindedly mulling over her options for the last few days.

"Going home to an empty house and a mother who plans to avoid me really doesn't sound like a festive way to spend the holiday." The pair had talked for almost an hour about Clarke`s mother the night they sat in the bleachers, holding hands as she`d cried. Lexa knew how deep the resentment between Clarke and her mother resided within the blonde. "I think I'm just going to stay in a hotel room near campus and order some pizza for Thanksgiving dinner."

Thinking on it now, this had also been adding to her sour mood all week. She tried to be happy for her friends as they started talking about plans for their vacations, all filled with love ones at their sides. But deep down a part of her resented her friends. They all seemed to have the one thing she wanted more than anything in the world - a family that cared. And the resentment just made her angry with herself. It wasn't as if she wanted them all to be going through the same hardships as she was, in fact she knew she would be saddened if any of them felt the least bit of what she did. But as the saying goes, misery loves company and Clarke was swimming in it.

"Does staying in a hotel room by yourself really sound better than going home?"

"Yes," Clarke said without hesitation.

A few minutes passed in silence. "Does it sound better than staying in my spare bedroom for the week?"

While Clarke hadn't been moving she instinctually felt herself freeze at the question. How long had she spent trying to find time alone with Lexa? A week under the same roof would nearly guarantee it. But the thought of it made her heart race and it took a minute to try and swallow down her heart that was attempting to jump out of her throat.

"I wouldn't want to inconvenience you."

Lexa nearly snorted in response. "It wouldn't be an inconvenience. I'm used to living with roommates." Then she paused. "You would have to spend the holiday having dinner with Anya and Aden. It may not be an entirely relaxing dinner."

"Indra wouldn't mind me being around all week?" Clarke knew that Octavia would be gone all week. She was planning on going home for the holiday and spending Friday through Sunday up at some cabin that Lincoln's parents owned. She had been going on and on about how excited she was for her "fuck-a-thon" while Clarke would roll her eyes and beg her friend to not give her anymore detail than that.

"Indra is needed back at home," was all Lexa replied, a look of bitterness washing over her features for just a moment before she sighed and shook her head as if trying to shake away whatever had been bothering her.

An entire week where she could be alone with Lexa. A week for her to figure out what it was she felt. Then a cold feeling washed over her. Did she want to say yes when Lexa may not feel the same way? Clarke could feel her heart pounding in her chest, it thudded loudly in her ears and she feared that it was loud enough for Lexa to hear it. If she did, she didn't let on.

"If you don't want to stay over you don't have to say yes. I'm not demanding you keep me company as the Commander. I'm offering up a room to a friend. There are no hard feelings."

Clarke swallowed, willing herself to take the plunge. "Yeah, we get home from our away game that Sunday. I'll just head back with you to your place." Clarke turned to look at the brunette, a small smile looked as if it lifted at the corner of her mouth and Clarke could feel relief wash over her. The thought of staying with someone who was offering her a place to stay only out of obligation may have been worse than being back home. "Thanks, Lex, I really appreciate it."

"Lex?" She asked, turning to the blonde with one eyebrow raised and immediately the feeling of relief had been shattered and lost. She had spent a week loving the fact that Lexa was using her first name when they were alone. And she had spent the better part of most night imagining her name being groaned and moaned and shouted from those lips. And in turn she imagined herself calling out "Lex" over and over. Woods and Commander had been too formal. It was occurring to Clarke now though that this interaction was all in her head. She had never actually said her first name aloud to the girl beside her, let alone the shortened version of it.

But just as Clarke felt as if dread and embarrassment were going to swallow her whole, Lexa began laughing. It was a throaty laugh that sang through the air, entwining with the melody of birds chirping. And Clarke, while she loved the sound possibly more than any other sound she had ever heard, found herself confused. "Clarke, if you could see the look on your face! It's like you think I'm going to behead you for using my first name." And then she was laughing again and Clarke could feel her cheeks burning, though still likely red from the run.

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered, "laugh it up, Commander." And she turned to look away at girl still fighting off laughter. Again the relief had settled in and she could feel a small smile forming on her lips. "You can't blame me. You are constantly filling us all with fear."

Lexa's laughing finally stopped but Clarke could still hear the smile in her voice. "Don't get me wrong, call me that on the field, Griffin, and you'll wish I had beheaded you to escape the punishment I'd rain down upon you."

Clarke snorted, oddly enjoying the over the top threat. "And when we aren't on the field?"

Clarke could feel the girl shrug beside her. "Usually Anya is the only one that calls me Lex." she admitted.

"So Lexa then? Since we are friends now." Clarke asked.

"You can call me Lex or Lexa. I like it when you use either." She liked it. It wasn't just agreeable, she liked it. Clarke tried to contain the girlish excitement growing in her as she tried to tell herself it wasn't a big deal, that she was an adult for goodness sakes.

"Lexi?" Clarke asked with a small grin, remembering the name Aden was shouting at her in fits of laughter on the soccer pitch.

Clarke was rewarded with a glare, green eyes attempting to level her between scrunched lids. "Call me that again and you'll be sorry."

And Clarke could feel it then, a devilish feeling began to wash over her and she felt elated. She had guessed it when she asked it. It was a name that she treasured only when Aden said it. It being used by anyone else just seemed wrong. But in an instance Clarke was on her feet, a fiendish smile on her face and Lexa looked up at her in confusion.

"Is that so, Lexi?" And then before Lexa could respond Clarke was off, running back down the path at a fast pace that she knew was unsustainable. But she didn't seem to care, she knew it wouldn't be long before the brunette had regained her composure and began to chase her down and Clarke intended to keep away from Lexa as long as possible.

She couldn't explain the feeling flowing through her body or why it was there. The best she could explain it, it was a carefree happiness. Teasing Lexa felt right and doing it here seemed almost perfect. Something for just the two of them to share.

"You're a dead woman, Clarke" she heard from behind her, but there was a laughter to Lexa's voice and it made Clarke's heart soar and she decided to push on even faster.

"What? Can't keep up?" She yelled out.

Apparently it wasn't the right taunt because Lexa had been holding back and it wasn't more than fifteen seconds later that Clarke felt two arms wrap around her as her feet were yanked from off the floor.

They were rolling then, in a field of grass and dirt. Clarke could have assumed it was sheer luck that they had landed in a opening and not into a tree but she knew Lexa well enough to know that she had timed this perfectly. It was why she was holding back.

Lexa had turned her body so that she had taken most of the impact, sliding onto her bare back with Clarke wrapped firmly in her arms. And Clarke was too shocked to move, she didn't know what she had been expecting but it wasn't this. But even if she had been prepared it wouldn't have done any good. Lexa moved too quickly. Her movements were fluid as if she had complete control over her body. And they were rolling around, stopping only so that Lexa could force Clarke down face up so that she could straddle the blonde. And then her hands were moving everywhere.

A laugh exploded out of the blonde faster than she could realize what was happening. She was ticking Clarke, fingers dancing across her side while the blonde contorted away from the digits, attempting to buck off the brunette but without success. And while Clarke wanted so deeply to enjoy Lexa on top of her the feeling of air not filling her lungs was taking over her mind,. Survival outweighed delectation.

"Promise to never call me that again!" Lexa cried.

"Never!" Clarke let out, tears streaming down her face as she attempted to free her hands and retaliate. But Lexa was too quick and grabbed both of Clarke's hands, holding them down over her head against the ground. And as Lexa leaned down to contain her, shifting her hips slightly down the blonde's body in a grinding motion, the world stopped.

Lexa's face stood there, no more than two inches from Clarke's. Blue eyes consumed green and a fire was lit in both, all playfulness from them gone, filled only by desire. And it was then that Clarke could really feel the girl on top of her. Strong thighs gripped at her waist, pushed flat against them, and a fire felt as it had been lit between her own thighs, burning and aching.

Lexa's stomach was nearly against her own, warm skin burning through the fabric of Clarke's shirt. Lexa's shirt was still nowhere to be seen. And their chests lay against each others', Lexa's pushing into hers whenever she took in a deep breath. And she swore she could feel her heart hammering against her ribs, though maybe it was Lexa's; she couldn't be sure.

Her whole body felt as if it were on fire and she sat there begging for Lexa to kiss her, but the girl didn't move beyond letting her chest rise and fall. Clarke could hear Raven's words in the back of her head.

The thing with happiness is that it's not something that you wait around for, hoping that it will happen to you. It's something that you need to make for yourself.

She was done waiting. She lifted her head off the ground and closed the distance. She expected the kiss to be rough and fast and filled with the desire. There was nothing about this kiss that was expected.

The moment their lips touched, Lexa didn't hesitate, she even seemed to take over. Soft lips slowly moving together against one another, Lexa applying enough pressure to push Clarke's head back onto the ground. And Lexa's lips would just barely leave hers, softly grazing as she moved her head to the right side then the left, changing the angle of the kiss before pushing back against them with a firm determination. And it burned deep inside of Clarke, almost as if she could feel it in her soul. Pulling at her and setting her free.

Kissing her was not like anything she felt before. Finn's lips had been rough and larger, their kisses messy and wet. Lexa's lips were soft and precise, firm and decisive. It was almost as if the girl above her was worshiping her mouth, taking in all that it could, hungrily but patient. And then the wetness at Clarke's mouth as she felt Lexa's tongue move across her lip made Clarke part her mouth open, wanting to take in all of the brunette that she could. It was a dance of tongues, from one mouth into the other. Clarke could taste a mixture of spearmint and salt from their morning activities. And as Lexa's tongue flicked up to drag across the roof of Clarke's mouth she moaned imagining what else she could accomplish with that tongue. Her thighs clenched together reactively.

The sound escaping Clarke's lips into the kiss seemed to trigger an urgency in Lexa who began kissing her way down Clarke's throat, sucking and nipping, always careful, as if determined to not leave a mark. But that's not what Clarke wanted. She wanted nipping to be biting. She wanted to look in the mirror and physically see the aftermath of this moment. She lifted her hands, sliding them up Lexa's back, feeling the hard muscles working beneath her fingers, tracing the scars she could feel running along her back but had never seen before. She began slightly digging her nails into her back trying to push Lexa forward and a groan escaped the brunette's lips from deep in her throat, making her body vibrate, sending shivers up Clarke's body.

Everything about this moment felt right. Clarke wanted even more. And their lips met again, hungry, desperate and wild. And without thought, almost as if her hand was instinctually reacting, Clarke began running her hand down Lexa's stomach. The lightness of her fingertips across her midsection made Lexa's breath hitch in Clarke's mouth and it made the blonde more confident.

Clarke found herself smiling against Lexa's lips which seemed to be a challenge to the brunette who was beginning to run her hand under Clarke's shirt. Her hand was soft and firm and left a fiery trail where they touched. It was Clarke then whose breathing became more erratic, smile falling from her lips as she gave over to the desire to have Lexa touch her. It was now Lexa that was smiling into the kiss.

Clarke felt a need to take control again, desperate to make Lexa feel what it was that she was feeling. She ran her fingers lower down the Commander's stomach to the waistband of her pants, pushing them down and the girl above her went rigid, pulling away from the kiss and the look in her eyes made Clarke freeze.

They were the deepest shade of green Clarke had ever seen. They were filled with lust and desire, but just below the surface there was pain and confusion bubbling. Clarke retracted her hands, not wanting to but unable to ignore the fight internally showing in those green eyes. And Lexa rolled, off the blonde and onto the floor beside her.

As they lay there side by side they were panting, both trying desperately to catch their breaths. And despite the blistering heat, Clarke felt cold, deeply wanting the warmth back from being pushed up against Lexa.

"We should go." was all Lexa said as she got up, grabbing her shirt and Clarke's jacket which she had taken with her from the clearing before walking back to the trail. And Clarke could feel her heart fall hard into her stomach, torn and confused. But slowly she got to her feet and followed.

They said nothing else the rest of the trip and much to Clarke's dismay, Lexa maintained a two foot gap between them. She wasn't sure if it was Clarke she didn't trust or herself. They only spoke once they had returned to Lexa's apartment.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" Clarke asked.

Lexa offered her a small smile and nodded before returning inside. Lexa didn't have it in her to tell Clarke the truth. The fact that tomorrow was November 5th meant absolutely nothing to the blonde. To Lexa it meant her life was about to fall apart all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I giveth and I taketh away! 
> 
> Hopefully that will blow out some of the pent up steam that has been brewing with this slow burn without completely removing the lid. There is still a bit these two need to work out before they go diving deep, head first into the abyss. But perhaps there isn't too much time left to wait, though only time will tell. Well I suppose I could tell but I won't.
> 
> Thanks again for all the love and I hope you all enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed writing it. Carefree Lexa who momentarily lets down her guard is fun to write. I hope to write more of her in the future.


	14. Remember, Remember the Fifth of November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 13:  
> Lexa and Clarke went running through the forest to clear their heads and ended up having an amazing moment together followed by Lexa tearing herself from the situation, leaving Clarke even more confused.
> 
>  
> 
> So this chapter is a much longer chapter than most of the ones I've written. I contemplated breaking these next 2 chapters into 3 but Sarah told me I wasn't allowed to with words written in ALL CAPS! I listen to my comments when I can.
> 
> A forewarning for this chapter, death is discussed in this one and it was emotionally draining to write but hopefully not to read. Please let me know what you think.

The white cardboard box, while it would appear to be the most unassuming object on the table placed beside the bottle of whiskey, was the thing that scared Lexa the most.

She had pulled herself out of bed a bit after four in the morning and began the ritual that happened every year on this day. She would open her closet and climb up into the crawl space, pulling out the box that lived up there three hundred and sixty four days of the year. Then she would clean the dust off the box the best she could before placing it on the living room table in front of the large clock on the wall. Then she would find the most expensive bottle of whiskey she owned and place it beside the box. And finally she would sit on the couch and stare at the objects in front of her: the box, the bottle, the clock.

This year had been no different. The only difference was that the place where Indra would normally sit and watch her was now empty. And it would remain empty, Lexa knew. She wasn't sure yet how it made her feel.

But that wasn't entirely true, that wasn't the only difference, she found herself realizing. This was the first time she found her thoughts slightly distracted by blonde hair, blue eyes, dirt and grass. The image of the morning before was hard to escape and it filled Lexa with guilt. The same guilt that came crashing down upon her as she had felt warm determined fingers pushing down her pants, grazing across her hips. She didn't deserve the pleasure she felt, especially not so close to today. Especially since this pleasure wasn't hollow the way it had been with every other girl she had been with before-

No. She shook her head, forcing the image from her mind. She had no room for any other emotion. Not today. She sighed and looked up at the clock. 5:15am. She had an hour to sit and wait, an hour to remember the horrible thing that had happened, that she made happen. An hour to pray that the knock at the door wouldn't come, but even if it hadn't she doubted she would have peace.

 _**November 5th, 2010** _  
_"We really should have left two hours ago, Alexa." Lexa turned to the woman who had called out to her. She was tall and slim, long tan arms folded across her body as she leaned against the Range Rover in the driveway. There was a bright smile on her face that seemed to sparkle in her green eyes. And though the woman was feigning exasperation Lexa knew she didn't mean it._

_"I know, Mom, but Costia said she would be here by eight. She had to have breakfast with her parents before she left. You're not the only one celebrating a birthday today, you know?" The pair shared a smile before she went back inside to grab the last bit of luggage to load into the car._

_It was an amazing coincidence that two of women that she loved most on the earth both shared the same birthday. Lexa had always taken it to be a sign that the universe had put the amazing golden haired girl in her life for a reason. The fates themselves had destined for the two of them to be together. What other explanation could there have been?_

_A tall bald headed man with much fairer skin sat in the kitchen, drinking a coffee with his right hand, his other arm bandaged up in a sling. "Titus, I really am sorry about the arm," she said for the hundredth time. "When you offered to help me train I never expected that you would have gotten hurt."_

_Titus laughed. "In your defense, it was a perfect slide tackle, all ball. Unfortunately a man as old as myself doesn't have the reaction that you young kids have. At least that means that I won't have to be the one to sit behind the wheel for this miserable drive."_

_"Miserable?" Lexa asked and the pair shared a smile._

_"Titus, leave the girl alone. She wanted to do the drive up to the cabin in the first place."_

_Titus looked up and grinned at his beautiful wife. "I am aware of that, Iliana, but don't you think it's convenient that I find myself unable to get behind the cockpit to fly us there in two hours just one week before the trip? And the girl who caused it is now smiling - like the Cheshire Cat , by the way - now that we are all subject to the eight hour car ride she has been championing for for the last two months?"_

_Lexa found herself smiling even brighter as her mother rolled her eyes._

_"Titus, it's a bonding opportunity!" Lexa exclaimed. "The adventure is more about the journey than the destination and I can't think of a better way to spend it than all huddled in together." Then Lexa sighed. "I just wish Anya could have come."_

_"You know her morning sickness has your sister stuck at home. She'll be out of her first trimester in another few weeks, we'll celebrate with her then."_

_"You only turn forty once, Mom."_

_Her mother groaned. "Don't remind me."_

_"I am so sorry I'm late!" Lexa could feel a flood of happiness wash over her as she heard the voice floating through the door. "My mom insisted that we celebrate at 6:15, she says that Lexa will not be ruining that tradition for her anytime soon!"_

_Lexa turned in time to catch the golden haired girl in her arms, butterflies filling her stomach as the pair hugged. She pulled away to see hazel eyes smiling back at her and she resisted the urge to kiss the girl in front of her mother and Titus who were watching them with warm smiles._

_"Why 6:15 in the morning?" Titus asked._

_"It's the exact time I was born. I officially turned sixteen two hours ago. By the way, happy birthday Mrs. Woods."_

_And Lexa`s mom pulled the girl into a hug. "Again, you can call me Iliana, dear. Happy birthday to you too, Costia. Now let's get on the road before Titus complains anymore about the drive."_

_"I can still book us all a flight on the company jet!"_

_"You're not the boss here, Dad, so just get in the back seat and enjoy the ride!"_

_The ride had gone smoothly over the next three hours as the four of them talked and laughed about the the things happening in their lives. Lexa sat in the driver's seat with both hands on the steering wheel, amazed that her mom had agreed to let her drive. She had had her license for the last six months and thought herself to be an amazing driver, though it never stopped her mom from criticizing her about it every chance she got._

_"You're going five miles over the speed limit, Alexa!" And Lexa just smiled, defiantly maintaining her speed while her eyes glanced at her mother's in the rear view mirror._

_"Just relax and enjoy the ride!" She said._

_Then Titus interjected. "Lexa, I heard that you aced that business course we had put you into over the summer."_

_Lexa rolled her eyes. "I swear, it's like you think I'm planning on running your business one day!"_

_Titus laughed. "I damn well expect you to. And once you graduate college I will have a position available for you to shadow me."_

_"How's Anya`s internship going there?" Costia asked, shooting a smile in Lexa`s direction who had silently mouthed a 'Thank you' for changing the subject off of her._

_"She's doing well." He beamed, "being in charge is in the Woods' blood. I'm not sure she could be a bad leader if she tried. Just like Lexa."_

_Lexa laughed, "me a leader? I'm not even sure I will be able to handle being captain of the soccer team my senior year of high school."_

_"Well how would your grandfather have lead his people?"_

_"With an iron fist," her mother laughed._

_"Then let your blood lead the way and do as your ancestors would do. Lead with an iron fist, but be sure to respect and appreciate the people below you. Do that and there's no way people won't follow you."_

_Costia laughed and Lexa could feel happiness wash over her again at the sound. And as she turned to look at her amazing girlfriend beside her, she immediately inhaled as two headlights filled her vision._

_Lexa blinked against the wetness falling into her eye lashes, a dark color filling the vision of her left eye that was beginning to feel wet and irritate. She groaned, but it sounded muted in her ears. And as she strained to hear it, it was as if the world around her had also become muted._

_She looked around slowly, immediately gripping her head as a piercing jolt seemed to make its way deep inside her brain. As she pulled her hand away she could see it covered in a very dark red liquid that appeared almost black. It was then that she looked down to see the sky at her feet and panic began to set in._

_Lexa reached for the army knife she had always kept in her back pocked and fumbled at the clasp before flipping out the knife to cut away at her seat belt. It was in those moments that images began rushing towards her. A truck slamming into the passenger side door. Her body whipping violently at impact. The car rolling once, twice, the third time stopping as it teetered, with the vehicle upside down. It was almost as if she were viewing the onslaught from outside of her own body, as a spectator whose only involvement was categorizing events._

_With a final tear in the fabric Lexa felt herself falling, landing awkwardly onto the interior roof of the car with a thud onto the top of her right shoulder. She could feel the wetness of blood coating her body but her heart was racing a million miles an hour and the idea of pain never occurred to her. The only things she could think of where her family. She army crawled her way into the back seat to see Titus and her mother hanging from the seats of their car, held up by their seat belts. Both hung there, unmoving. Her mom's head appeared as if it had been rattled out of position, jutting out in a weird angle as eyes starred back into Lexa's, the most lifeless shade of green she had ever seen. Titus had blood spraying out his neck, a shard of metal lodged deep into his throat as a gurgling sound escaped his lips once, twice and then silence._

_"Lexa..." the voice was far away and quiet but it tore through Lexa like a bullet and she turned back to the passenger seat to see her girlfriend no longer in it. Lexa turned again, she wasn't in the vehicle. Her eyes darted back and forth until she saw a crumpled shape in the side of the road._

_Lexa pulled her body through the part of the vehicle that was missing the front windshield as bits of metal and glass lodged themselves in her thighs. But she didn't care, she needed to get over to Costia. And when she had it was almost too excruciating to look at. Her limbs were snapped around her body in positions they should never be in. A gash ran down the girl's side, pooling the asphalt in a bright red liquid. And those hazel eyes looked terrified, lips shaking. Her short harsh intake of breath made it sound as if she were shivering._

_"Stay with me, Costia!" She was screaming. "Someone help me! Someone, please! Help, someone! No, Costia, hold on!" And then she was screaming, unable to form any words._

A sharp rap at the door pulled Lexa from her memory as she looked up at the clock. 6:15 in the morning, not a minute too late and not a minute too soon. She took a shaky breath as she stood up to answer the door.

A guy in a gray suit stood there. "Miss Woods?" he asked and she nodded. Immediately the man handed her a card with no writing on the front before turning and walking away. At least this one didn't wait around for a tip the way the one had last year.

Lexa could feel her body going numb as she sat on the couch and reached for the bottle.

"Lexa?" Lexa turned to see Octavia standing there with an overnight bag on her shoulder.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Blake." Was all she said as she watched the girl sadly nod in her direction before heading out the front door. And with shaky hands Lexa opened the note, already knowing what it would say. It was in thick red writing, on a light yellow card.

**My Girl would have been twenty two today.**

And Lexa lifted the bottle to her lips, letting the liquid burn her throat deep into her chest.

\----------

The air in the room was somber filled with something that seemed to remain unspoken between the girls who sat together drying their hair with towels after showering after practice.

Clarke had waited expectantly to see the Commander walk into the weight room this morning stone faced after she had received a text the night before that Lexa wasn't going to go for a run in the morning. Clarke should have slept in but she still awoke at the same time she had been the last two weeks, as if she couldn't help it. But instead of going for a run on her own she lay there in bed, replaying everything that had happened the day before.

She was torn between lustful thoughts on how their bodies entwined and felt against one another and confused thoughts where she tried to figure out what it was she did wrong. It was obvious that the events of yesterday morning had scared Lexa, and that's why she was putting distance between them but Clarke was determined not to let her push her away.

But when the brunette never showed up in the morning no one had questioned it, no one had even mentioned her name. And she began wondering if she had texted everyone else and told them she wasn't going to be there. But then practice came in the afternoon and still, the Commander did not show. And still not a person questioned it.

It was annoying the blonde to no end. She had no idea what she was missing out on, what everyone else clearly seemed to know but spoke nothing of. So as Clarke was sitting with Raven, Octavia and Indra after cleaning up she decided to attempt to pry. If Lexa had told anyone about what happened yesterday it would have been them.

"Hey O, I left my math book at your place last week and I need to go pick it up for my homework tonight. Mind if I head back to the apartment with you?"

She watched as Octavia and Raven shared a torn look. "I'm not headed home tonight. Indra will help you out though."

The thought of walking the next twenty minutes with Indra made her shift in her seat. The girl seemed to hate her and there was no way she would ever tell her anything about her childhood friend.

"I'm not going home, I'm staying up at the hotel at the end of campus tonight."

"Wait," Raven said, forgetting her roommate was in the room, "you're not going to check on Woods tonight?"

Indra shot Raven a dangerous look, clearly not liking being questioned by the girl one year her junior. "If she wants to destroy herself without anyone there to make sure she doesn't go overboard that's entirely up to her."

"Indra," Octavia started, "some one needs to check on her."

"Then you fucking do it!" Indra growled while Octavia shifted her gaze to the floor. "Or better yet just send the princess to go do it then she could grab her book." And something sinister flashed behind the girl's gaze as she turned to look at Clarke who felt her mouth go dry, still not sure what exactly was going on.

"Come on, Indra, be reasonable." Raven started again, "Clarke doesn't even know what's going on. You can't just send her there when you know that it's likely Woods has downed at least half the bottle by now."

"I would know if someone would just tell me what is going on!" Clarke's voice was somewhere between a shout and a growl and all three girls turned to look at her. Raven and Octavia looked sad while Indra still held a look of disdain.

"It's not really our place to say" Octavia started.

"So Lexa told everyone what was going on except for me?" Clarke could feel a stabbing pain in her gut.

"No, Big Mouth over here told everyone last year."

"It was an accident!" Octavia groaned. "I ran across a few newspaper articles online when I was trying to figure out how many goals were scored the year Lexa broke the all time college scoring record. I couldn't help that her name search also came up with some story about how those people had died. And how was I supposed to know that it was a secret?"

"People died?" Clarke asked and Octavia groaned, putting her face in her hands.

"And again, Blake decides to tell people that have no right knowing what happened." Indra spat.

"Look, if you don't want to tell me what happened fine. But you all seem to think that Lexa needs help and none of you seem like you want to go so just give me the keys and I'll go." Raven gave the girl a pained look.

"Clarke, I owe you for taking the fall for me so please listen to me when I say that you going over there is a bad idea."

"And why is that, Raven?" Indra asked coolly. "She's already using the Commander's first name as if they are best buds. I don't see the issue with it." And she tossed her keys in Clarke's direction who caught them against her chest, the metal sending an icy chill down her body.

"Clarke, please." She could see the pain in Raven's features. "If you care at all about yourself then you won't go over there."

Clarke thought for a long moment. She trusted Raven, and she believed that the girl thought it a bad idea. And while she did care for her own well being, she thought of the girl that took care of her the night of the party, saving her from possibly making a mistake she would fully regret. On top of that she had to admit that she also cared very much for Lexa as well.

"I'm going, Ray." Octavia gave her a sad look and nodded. Raven gave her a pleading look and shook her head. Indra on the other hand looked as if she were satisfied with the outcome, a vindictive smile gnawing at the corner of her lips.

\----------

Clarke paused with her hand on the door knob, trying to settle her own nerves. She had no idea what to expect on the other side of the door but the look Raven had given her suggested that she should ready herself for whatever she found.

She opened the door and saw no one there. Instead she had seen the apartment nearly torn apart. Shards of glass littered the floor in the kitchen. The painting of the New York skyline had been thrown off the wall and was torn in the center of the canvas. The large clock on the wall had been taken down and the glass top obliterated, very dark red liquid lay around the shattered glass center and ran up and down along the hour and minute hands which seemed stuck at 6:15.

The living room table was a mess of newspaper clippings and photographs with an empty whiskey bottle laying toppled over on its side. Some clear brown liquid had pooled out on the floor beneath it. About a glass worth if Clarke had to guess. She had meant to walk past the table in search for the girl but a newspaper article caught her eye and she was unable to prevent her legs from walking over to it.

 **Sixteen Year Old Student Dies After Two Months in a Coma**  
_A sixteen year old high school student by the name of Costia Rivera died today after two months in a coma after another vehicle had lost its brakes, colliding into their own vehicle on November 10th of last year. The driver of the faulty vehicle died on impact along with Iliana Woods while Woods' husband, billionaire architecture mogul Titus Fleimkepa died in route to the hospital. The other sixteen year old and driver of the vehicle, Lexa Woods, survived the crash with minor injuries in what people are calling an unbelievable miracle._

Clarke re-read the paper again, the date sticking out as if it had been written in larger, bolder lettering. And she recalled that Titus was the man who had married Lexa's mother who must have been the woman mentioned in the article. Her curiosity got the best of her. She found herself glancing over the article headlines on the table.

**Three Died in Crash off the 190, Another in Critical Condition**

**Candle Vigil to be held in High School Student's Memory**

**Girl Who Died's Parents Suing Driver of Vehicle**

**Sixteen Year Old CEO of Grounder Inc. Settled Multi-Million Dollar Lawsuit Today**

**Costia Rivera Scholarship Fund Erected by Grounder Incorporated**

Then there was a stack of note cards with a picture placed on top of it. She could pick a younger looking Lexa in it with a girl with golden brown hair and bright smiling eyes. They were embraced in a hug, looking lovingly at one another while a beautiful older women who looked like Lexa stood beside them with a bald older man who had what appeared to be a sling holding his left arm, while his good one was snaked around the waist of the older woman. The people in this picture looked happy and the young Lexa did not seem to carry the hard exterior that the one she knew did. The one who she hadn't notice had been watching her the whole time.

"'Twas the last pitcher ever taken of them alive," a slurred voice rang from beside her and Clarke nearly dropped the picture. Even several sheets to the wind the brunette seemed to maintain her ability to sneak up on the blonde.

Clarke turned to look at Lexa, but the girl in front of her was so hard to recognize, a vast contrast between the Lexa she knew. Her eyes were half closed, struggling to remain open while she swayed slightly on her feet, a new bottle of whiskey in her hand, top yet to be opened. And she smelled deeply of whiskey, no longer the subtle scent which Clarke had become accustomed to.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to snoop, I just couldn't-"

"She was so pretty wasn't she?" Lexa continued, not really hearing the girl in front of her. "I think I loved her you know, even though I never told her. She was beautiful and smart and amazing and I loved her and here I am trying to fuck you in the forest." Clarke felt a heavy weight on her chest, piecing together the look that had been in Lexa's eyes in the forest the day before.

Lexa ungracefully plopped herself down on the couch, hitting her head against the arm rest and groaned. Clarke immediately dropped beside her, gripping at her head, trying to see if anything had changed in the girl's pupils and cursing herself for remembering very little of the first aid her mother had taught her.

"I should have just fucked you in the forest, Clarke."

"Lexa," Clarke warned but the girl continued on.

"We should have done it so that I could finally stop thinking about it. I don't know how to not think about it. I mean look at you, you're amazing. No, you're more than amazing." She attempted a whistle but only the sound of blown air escaped her lips.

"Lexa please, we shouldn't be talking about this."

"In my last dream you were sitting on my face, it was fantastic. I never get to do that, that's like a third encounter kind of thing. I don't have those."

"Lexa!" Clarke yelled, a red flush filling her cheeks as she tried desperately not to envision what the girl in front of her was saying. It seemed that drunk Lexa was a highly inappropriate Lexa. She supposed it was why you never really saw her drunk. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying right now. Maybe we should get you to bed."

Lexa scoffed. "I don't deserve rest. I killed them all Clarke and horrible people like me don't deserve rest." She hiccuped.

Her eyes glanced back at the article she had read on the counter. "You're not a horrible person, Lex."

"Yes I am." Lexa was glaring at her now. "Don't act like you fucking know who I am. You don't know anything about me." She paused to let her head lull to the other side of her body. "It's funny, you thought you were Wanheda when it is I who am the bringer of death."

Clarke sighed, realizing that it wasn't possible to reason with a drunk.

"Lexa, come on. Let's get you to bed."

"No, I'm still drinking!" But as Lexa went to grab the new bottle she had pleaded on the table, she missed it by a few inches to the right and looked at it confused. "Which one of those three bottles is the real bottle?" She was still slurring.

"None of them," Clarke lied, pulling the brunette onto her feet.

"You're not going to leave me alone here, are you?" The question hit Clarke hard and she found herself slightly pleased despite the circumstance. This, though, made her feel slightly disgusted with herself.

"No, |'ll be right here for you, Lex."

"I really should push you away you know. It's better that way. It's hard though, I wasn't very good at it last week." There was a voice in Clarke's head telling her to ask Lexa why but she knew she couldn't bring herself to take advantage of Lexa's drunk state so she instead helped walk the brunette to her room. Holding her hand Clarke noticed a dark purple stain on the girl's knuckles which were swollen.

A small stream of very dark blood had was caked to her skin that seemed to run the length from her index finger to her elbow. She examined the finger and saw that a large gash ran along it, the blood no longer flowing. A large blackish circle of blood also seemed to be encrusted around the numeric tattoo on her forearm as if she had drawn it around the number with her bloody finger. It was the number tattoo that she kissed when she scored that goal. It was 110510. Something clicked inside of Clarke,s brain. 11-05-10. November 5, 2010.

"What happened to your hand?"

"I punched the wall upstairs." Lexa shrugged, saying it nonchalantly as if it was the most normal thing she'd ever done. "And then the clock. Stupid thing kept showing the wrong time."

Clarke's heart plummeted into her stomach. She knew that the walls on the roof were all concrete, but what was more worrisome was the thought of her drunk friend on a roof top, stories high in the air. And she found herself cursing Indra, cursing Lexa for not having someone with her. Then her mind drifted to the clock. Those dark red stains had been Lexa's blood.

When Lexa laid in bed Clarke got up to grab a bag of ice and some alcohol to clean the wound.

"I thought you said you weren't leaving."

"I'm grabbing ice."

"Ok," the brunette blew out, "we can have that sex when you get back." Clarke rolled her eyes.

When she returned the brunette was asleep on her side, her injured hand flat on the bed. She stood beside the brunette and lifted her hand, taking the towel soaked in rubbing alcohol and ran it along her hand and arm where the blood had dried. The fact that Lexa did not react to the alcohol against her open wound told her just how dead she was to the world around her.

Clarke moved to place the bag of ice on her knuckles and walked around to the other side of the bed where she decided to sit and watch her. She contemplated leaving. She knew it was what she should do, what Raven would have asked her to do. She survived the evening but she doubted a sober Lexa would be so kind. But Lexa had asked her to stay, and Clarke had found herself wanting to. So despite her better judgement she got into bed and laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. It would be a few hours before she knew sleep would wash over her, it was only seven in the evening.

It was about an hour later that Lexa had shifted, turning to the other direction so that her head rested in the nook between Clarke's neck and shoulder. And Clarke moved her arm so that she was hugging the brunette close. She didn't know what the morning would bring but she would hold her friend close tonight. Then she drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess Clarke and Lexa deal with bad situations similarly, though the drunk versions of themselves are a bit different. Drunk Lexa has no filter and cares very little about the mood of her situation. Hopefully it's not too off putting.
> 
> It would seem that Raven was worried about nothing, though the next morning will be the real teller of that.
> 
> Thanks again for all the love and comments. I really needed them as I tried to put myself in Lexa's head when writing this chapter. You guys are awesome!
> 
> Next chapter will be out either Sunday or Monday!


	15. ...The Gunpowder Treason and Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14 Recap:  
> We all finally figured out what had torn Lexa's life apart when she was sixteen and now so has Clarke who decided to stay and be there for her friend, unsure of what that decision will bring.
> 
>  
> 
> Another hard chapter to write but I'm very happy with how it all came out and I hope that you are all happy with it too. Just a warning, this one will probably bring out the feels. It is also a pretty long one so strap yourselves in for this emotional ride.

A bright light trickled onto Clarke's eyelids, pulling her from her slumber. She took a deep breath and arched her back as she stretched her arms out over her head until they hit a headboard that she knew she didn't have in her dorm room. Within an instant the memory of the night before came rushing back and she sprung up into a sitting position realizing there was no longer the pressure of someone laying on her chest.

She looked around her but found the bed empty, the sheets beside her crumpled. She scanned the room to see a light escaping the door that led to the bathroom and it was only a moment later that Lexa emerged. She had on the same type of outfit she had during every morning run, her hair pulled back into a tight braid.

She said nothing and instead went over to the red sofa and sat down where she began pulling on her running shoes. Clarke felt confused.

"Are you really going for a run right now?"

"I do it every morning, don't I?" Lexa asked, her words coming out completely emotionless and it tugged at Clarke's heart.

"You didn't yesterday." Clarke stated it in the same tone Lexa had used.

It seemed to pull her out of her reserve as green eyes glared in her direction sending a chill down Clarke's spine. But she kept her face stone. "Do you want to explain to me why you're here, Griffin?"

"I'm here because you asked me to stay last night, because you needed someone-"

"I don't fucking need anyone, especially you. So if you wouldn't mind leaving-"

"No." Clarke folded her arms over her chest. If Lexa wanted to be stubborn and cut her off then two could play this game. While Clarke had always generally been an easy going person, she had no problem being a stubborn pain in the ass when it was necessary.

"No?" There was a look of disbelief in Lexa's face. They both stayed there, unmoving. Neither wanted to bend to the other. The silence between them grew thick and sat heavily on Clarke's shoulders.

Lexa was the first to speak. "Suit yourself, maybe I'll get lucky and you'll be gone before I get back." And she stood from the chair and went to leave, but the alcohol from the night before made her slower than normal. Clarke launched herself out of bed, a mass of sheets falling all around her as she jumped in front of the door and held on to the frame while facing Lexa to build a door to block the brunette's escape.

If Lexa hadn't looked livid before, she definitely did now. "Get out of my way, Griffin." She growled.

"No, Lex, not until you talk to me." Clarke's tone was pleading.

"There is nothing to talk about," she said flatly, the emotionless tone in her voice again. "It's done, it's over, it's time to move on. So if you'll excuse me-"

"No!" Clarke could feel her heart breaking inside of her chest and Lexa winced. She wasn't sure if it was an emotional response or if her voice was far too loud for the splitting headache she knew the girl must have had. "It's clearly not over for you. If it was you wouldn't have had to be drunk to the point of passing out just to deal with the anniversary of this horrible tragedy."

"Horrible tragedy?" Lexa spat out, "So you read the newspaper article. I'm sure that is more than enough to know exactly what it is that happened that day and enough to tell me exactly what it is I should be feeling now."

"Of course it's not! But to be torturing yourself for the last six years-"

"Is what I deserve!" Lexa shouted the phrase, face crumpling from behind the stone facade as she threw her hands up in frustration and turned away from the blonde walking back further into her room. Her body was shaking. "It's my fault, Clarke! They are dead. All of them are dead because of me!" She turned to face Clarke from across the room. "I don't deserve whatever peace you are trying to offer me."

There was a pain sitting heavy on her chest. She wanted nothing more than to pull the brunette into her arms but as she took a step forward she saw Lexa flinch and decided to stay where she was. "I read the article, the other car's brakes went out and they T-boned your car. That's not your fault."

The pleading in Lexa's eyes quickly faded and was replaced by defiance. "You weren't there. You have no idea what happened!"

Clarke matched Lexa's volume, shouting. "Then tell me!"

"They would have never been there if it weren't for me!" And Lexa's legs collapsed as she flopped into a sitting position on her bed, burying her head in her hands. Clarke took another step forward. "If I hadn't dislocated Titus' arm we would have flown there. Or if I would have agreed to take the company jet. If I had listened to my mother and drove the speed limit.". She was listing off all the reasons why it was her fault. Then, "If Anya hadn't had morning sickness I would have killed her and Aden too." She said the last statement in a whisper, a shaky voice just loud enough for Clarke to hear and immediately Clarke was sitting beside her placing a her hand on Lexa's lower back. The brunette flinched but this time Clarke did not pull away.

"You are blaming yourself for something that wasn't in your control. You miss them, and you should miss them because you loved them. And it's okay to miss them. But you can't put their deaths on your shoulders."

Clarke could feel the muscles in her back tensing below her hand. "And yet I'm not the only one here who thinks they have blood on their hands."

Her tone was quiet but it made Clarke flinch. "I'm not sure what you mean."

Lexa shook her head "As bad as I am, at least I know what it is that I'm feeling."

"You think I blame myself for my dad's death?" Clarke could feel a sense of panic washing over her. She didn't blame herself for her dad's heart attack but as she said it she could feel something inside of her click. A sense of knowing washed over her and her hand at Lexa's back started to shake.

"You practically said it that night on the bleachers. Your dad did everything for you no matter the cost. He worked late nights and weekends just so he could be at your games. He worked himself to the bone and though you never said it, I know you're afraid that it is what caused the heart attack."

She had never put the pieces together, never let that thought come into her mind. But it didn't mean that she didn't feel that way. She immediately knew she had the feeling but had never been able to place it. Clarke let her hand fall away and the sound of her voice was that of a sad acceptance. "You're right."

She could feel Lexa's eyes flash on her, taking in the blonde's features. "Shit, hey, don't pay attention to me. What happened to your dad, that's not your fault." She was back pedaling, finally realizing what it was she had said.

But Clarke could feel the tears falling down her face and she got up off the bed but this time it was Lexa who was the one blocking the escape, standing now between Clarke and the door. "If he hadn't spent so much time trying to be there for me he could have taken care of himself and maybe he would still be here. That's why my mom hates me." Her whole body was shaking now and Lexa looked helpless.

Unsure of what to do the brunette pulled Clarke into her arms. But Clarke did not want the comfort, she wanted to escape, to get away, to wallow in a corner but Lexa would not let go. The more she tried to pull away the tighter she held until Clarke had no fight left in her and she wrapped her hands around the brunette and grabbed at her shirt.

Lexa shushed the girl, putting her mouth against the hair at Clarke's ear and holding her close as she whispered. "I'm here for you, I'm here."

Had it not been so serious and sobering Clarke felt as if it would have been a humorous sight. Clarke had went there to take care of Lexa whose life was falling apart, who in turn brought Clarke's world to its knees and now was trying to console her. It was a mess. They were both a mess.

"Your father loved you." Lexa whispered after they had held each other for a long while. "Everything he did was because he wanted to live his life doing what made him happy, which was spending it with you. I may not have ever met him but I know you, and I've heard you talk about him. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this."

"And Titus would? Your mother would? Costia would?" Clarke could feel Lexa flinch in her arms. It was a conundrum. Each one was using logic to try and explain to the other why they shouldn't feel the way they do but refused to believe that same logic for themselves. "I at least talk about my dad, you never talk about what happened."

Lexa sighed and let go of Clarke, turning to walk out the door but Clarke grabbed her shirt and gave her a pleading stare. Lexa just shook her head. "I'm not leaving, I want to show you."

Clarke followed Lexa out to the living room where they both took a seat on the couch. Lexa handed her the picture that Clarke had been looking at the night before. Lexa began pointing out the people in the picture. "That's Titus with the dislocated shoulder holding my mom."

"She's beautiful," Clarke found herself saying and Lexa gave her a sad smile.

"It was her fortieth birthday and we were all headed up to Titus' cabin about 500 miles east of here. I had this big idea that instead of a big party we should spend the weekend together out there, that it would be more memorable than just a night of opulence. Plus it was also Costia's sixteenth birthday as well so I wanted the weekend to be extra special."

Lexa had pointed out the girl she was hugging in the picture and Clarke felt a pain in her chest. She knew she shouldn't be jealous of a dead girl but it was not something she was able to control. "It looks like you loved her very much. You said as much last night anyway."

Lexa sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I was young and I think that I loved her but I'm not really sure what that word means." She took a deep breath. "I cared for her deeply and for a year and a half she was my entire world."

Clarke reached out for Lexa's hand and gave it a squeeze, inviting her to continue. "Costia's mom didn't want her to go and it took a month of pestering from the both of us to get her parents to agree to it. Titus was supposed to to fly us out there on his personal plane but a week before we were supposed to leave he was trying to help me with some defensive work and I ended up clipping him on the tackle and he fell straight into the floor with his shoulder."

A small sad smile lifted at the corner of her mouth. "Titus kept insisting that it was a clean hit but we both knew that I got a piece of his foot. I think he just didn't want my mom to be upset. So needless to say he couldn't fly us out there, though he insisted that we use the company jet and have his pilot take us but I fought him on it. I never wanted to fly out there, it wasn't what I had envisioned for us those two months I'd planned it.

"Anya and I used to watch those National Lampoon Vacation movies as kids and I felt like taking a family trip together meant more if you drove there. That while you may end up annoying one another that it would inevitably bring everyone closer together. So we fought about it until Titus caved and I said I would drive since it would be hard for Titus and it was everyone else's birthday."

Clarke could feel Lexa shaking and she squeezed her hand harder, letting her know that she was still there with her. "Everything was going as I had planned it, I was so relaxed and my mom had told me to slow down but I didn't listen. And a few minutes later everything went to shit." Tears were streaming down Lexa's face and Clarke could feel her heart breaking.

"My mom and Titus were dead by the time we got to the hospital and Costia's injuries had been severe. I sat there waiting in the emergency room for hours by myself until Anya showed up and then Costia's parents, who blamed me for what happened. When she got out of surgery the doctors weren't sure she would ever wake up. She never did.

"I went to the hospital everyday but her parents would not let me see her. They said I had done enough damage. I didn't sleep, I barely ate, I just waited in that hospital waiting room for two months until Costia's mother came in screaming that I had killed her daughter, that I took from her the only thing that mattered."

"Lexa, I'm sure that they don't still blame you. It was an accident." But Lexa laughed, a harsh disgusted laugh, leaning over Clarke to grab one of the notes from the table.

"I received this exactly one year after the accident at 6:15am, the official time of Costia's birthday."

Clarke opened the note. All it said inside was:

**My Girl would have been seventeen today.**

"I've gotten one every year since. The message is the same, though the age always changes." She scoffed, a bitterness on her tongue, "They sued me for what happened. They asked for thirty-two million dollars. The lawyers said that it was too high and that they would fight it, that the suit had no legal ground but I refused to fight and I gave them what they wanted."

Lexa looked abhorred. "Too high? It wasn't nearly enough. I don't know how they could put a dollar value on her life. I would have given everything I had to have her alive again, even if it meant that she hated me for what happened. Either way, every year I get a note and every year I know that it was the money I gave her parents that paid for it."

Clarke could feel an anger burning deep inside of her, hating the people who were knowingly torturing someone who shared their loss. It was cruel and it was petty and she couldn't believe that there were people like this that existed in the world. And she couldn't help herself as she turned to pull Lexa into a hug and was surprised that the girl let her. She was tired and deflated and didn't have the energy to fight.

"After Costia died I hated myself. I would wake up in the mornings and go for long runs out in the forest until my legs seized in pain. I would lay there in whatever patch of earth I fell into and let the disgust at my own weakness wash over me. What I felt for Costia made me weak, it broke me. But the longer this went on, the further I had to run, the stronger my body became, the harder it was for me to wear out my legs. Four months later I was running for hours on end, unable to bring myself to that kind of pain and with it my mind grew to defend itself from my own feelings."

Clarke could see Lexa in her mind when they had first met, eyes cold and face of stone. She shivered, understanding their origin, their necessity to the girl beside her that now appeared so fragmented. "Obligation over self-indulgence - it was the way of my forefathers and I finally understood it, accepted its delegation. I needed to be what my family expected me to be, that they could no longer be themselves.

"My mother always had wanted me to be a strong leader, much like the heads of my family. She talked about her desire to see me become captain of the soccer team my senior year. I did it by my junior year. Titus wanted me to lead his business, to become a better CEO than he had ever been, straddling the line between power and altruism. I traded sleep and free time for phone conferences, classes and meetings."

"And what did Costia want from you?" The question pulled itself out of Clarke without thought as if the answer she sook was a necessity.

"Nothing," Lexa whispered. "She was the only one who didn't want a thing from me."

"I don't think that's true." Clarke responded after a moment of thought and she could feel green eyes looking up at her, broken. "If it were me, I would have wanted you to be happy. For you to love and to let yourself be loved."

The pair talked for another two hours about the people they had lost, about how much they had missed them, about the things that made them so incredibly special. They talked until a calming silence overtook them and they sat there on that couch, not moving or speaking, minutely aware that morning classes had come and gone. The world outside was chaos but the bubble they had made inside the living room provided order and comfort. To leave it meant returning to a harsh reality they felt unprepared for.

An hour of silence had passed before Lexa said anything again. "Are we both a bunch of idiots?"

Clarke laughed, still unwilling to let go of the girl she was holding in her arms. They had shifted so that Lexa was leaning her head against Clarke's neck, Clarke's arm draped around her shoulder holding her close while Lexa's arm was snaked behind her lower back. Clarke's other hand was absentmindedly drawing circles on Lexa's knee which had been drawn up onto the couch.

"Well I was pretty much called an idiot for wanting to come here last night." It was Lexa's turn to laugh.

"It was stupid. But I have to say that I've never appreciated your stupidity more."

Clarke smiled and shoved at the brunette with her shoulder pushing her head off of her neck, a move she instantly regretted, especially as Lexa began to pull away. "Lex, wait." And as the brunette looked back at her with a small genuine smile Clarke thought about saying nothing, not wanting to ruin the moment but she needed to say this. And she could feel the nerves eating away at her, inside her chest.

"What is going on between the two of us?"

And now it was Lexa's turn to look nervous as her smile faltered and she turned to look away. "I'm not sure what you mean."

Clarke could feel herself getting slightly frustrated. "Yes you do, Lex. That night at my dorm room, Sunday in the field. I know it's not just me that feels something."

"And what is it that you feel?"

"I don't know." Her voice was small unlike the voice that was inside her head yelling at her, telling her that she was so clearly attracted to her it was ridiculous.

"I'm not the kind of girl that you want to be with, Clarke." Lexa stood up and ran a hand in her hair, looking around as if for an escape.

"Or am I not the type of girl you want to be with?" A sadness was washing over Clarke as she said the question that instantly began to take over her thoughts, Lexa's statement a clear rejection.

"No, please don't think that." Lexa's response was immediate. She reached for Clarke's hand who was standing now. "You are amazing."

Clarke gave her a half smile. "Drunk Lexa suggested I was a little more than just amazing. I was beginning to wonder if she was lying."

The look on Lexa's face fell to embarrassment. "No, Drunk Lexa is really honest. She has absolutely no filter."

Clarke could feel herself blush, immediately remembering all of the nicer things Lexa had suggested, also remembering the dream she had said she had. "Oh no, what did I say last night?"

But Clarke just shook her head. "We are getting off topic."

Lexa nodded as she rubbed the back of her neck with her free hand. The one that held Clarke's was running its thumb in circular patterns on the back of her hand. "I'm not sure what to say. You're beautiful, loyal, funny and off the field you seem to not put up with my shit. Who wouldn't want to be with you? I mean it when I say that you deserve someone better than me, who is less damaged and can give you what I can't."

Clarke could feel her heart pounding in her chest, and she found herself trying to not feel as happy as her body was demanding she feel. "Shouldn't I be the one to decide that?"

Lexa shrugged. "It would make things more complicated."

Raven had said as much last week. It was the one thing still holding Clarke back. "So then why don't we just maybe test the waters? We don't have to tell anyone anything and we just stay open to letting things happen. We don't fight what happens or force something that doesn't come naturally. And we don't just push each other away when we freak out."

Clarke knew the request was a long shot. There was no way that Lexa would go for it but she didn't want to live her life regretting the fact that she had a chance and she didn't take it. Maybe then she would be able to move on, maybe-

"Ok."

Clarke could feel the confusion on her face. "Ok?"

Lexa shrugged, a small smile forming on her lips. "I said 'ok'. For now we keep this just between us. If nothing comes out of it I don't want the team insinuating things that they shouldn't be about how I might be giving you any preferentially treatment. Who won't try and force us together if things don't work out."

Clarke could feel the smile growing on her face. She couldn't help it. It was as if every molecule in her body was dancing and it made her body buzz. She wanted to pull the brunette in for another hug but Lexa's wits were returning to her. "Now, correct me if I'm wrong but you're going to miss your math lecture if you don't leave right now."

Clarke looked at her phone, she had twenty-five minutes to get to class, she groaned. A small part of her felt deflated but it was destroyed by the part of her that was still buzzing. It wasn't going to get her in a bad mood. Not now.

"I'll see you at practice?" Her voice sounded hopeful, repeating the question from two days before as Lexa walked Clarke to the door.

"Yeah, I'll be there this time. And, Clarke?"

"Yeah?" she asked, waiting for the elevator.

"Don't think that just because I said okay that you're going to be able to just sleep with me now. I'm not easy, you know." She said that last statement with laughter in her eyes.

"You're not easy?" Clarke laughed in disbelief. Then she gave Lexa a suggestive smile. "Yeah, it won't matter. I think it's going to be you that's going to be unable to resist me."

And Lexa raised her left eyebrow and slightly lifted the corner of her lip giving Clarke a smoldering grin that made her knees weak and her lower body pulse. "We'll have to see about that then, won't we?" The way her voice sounded, husk and suggestive reminded Clarke why it was that Lexa had no issue brining home girls at the end of the night. She very much wanted to forget about class and shove the brunette back inside the front door and back to her room.

"You won't be able to resist my charm, Griffin." She said the name slowly, playing with the syllables as they danced on her lips, her tongue.

"Is that so?" Clarke was proud that she was able to keep her voice steady.

"You can bet on it. Lock, stock and barrel."

Clarke thought about telling Lexa that she was too smooth to fall for her loaded words but she thought better of it, knowing it would be a lie. Instead she shook her head and stepped into the elevator before turning to Lexa as she said "I don't know, I'm not the one having dreams about places where I should consider sitting. Do you?"

And as the doors to the elevator closed she could see the smirk fall off of Lexa's face as she realized what it was that her drunk alter ego had shared with the much too sober blonde last night. Clarke laughed the entire elevator ride down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to end this one on a hopeful note. I've put the two of them through so much - according to Madjai6 it's been one step forward followed by five steps back and I have to agree. Hopefully though this puts them a few steps ahead. For Lexa I dare say it's many steps ahead. 
> 
> Thanks for all the love you guys keep sending my way. I'll be out all week for work, living from a suitcase so I'm not sure I will have a lot of time to write. Hopefully though I won't be too tired to get some writing done in the evenings before bed. If all goes well the next chapter will be out either Thursday or Friday!


	16. Blissful Torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15 Recap:  
> The morning after Lexa's drunken anniversary left Clarke face to face with a sober Lexa who didn't seem to want her there. But as Clarke refused to leave and to let her leave, the two of them opened up to one another and a proposition was made.
> 
>  
> 
> So before we start, I have to thank FluffyPinks for the bowling ball comment she helped contribute to today's chapter. She sent me that joke in a comment and I just had to use it.
> 
> This chapter is on the lighter side, I figured we needed it after all that happened emotionally in the last two chapters.  
> The first two parts start right where the last chapter left off and the last two parts are a week or so later. I hope you all like it!

Clarke walked up to her math class to find her roommate pacing in front of the building, a look of nervousness across her features as she scanned the crowds, likely looking for her, Clarke assumed. She was running her hands through her hair as she caught sight of Clarke, quickly jogging over.

"What the hell happened last night? You never came home and you missed your class this morning!" She sounded exasperated, though a tinge of relief mixed amongst her words.

"We don't have English together." Clarke stated, buying herself another few moments of time to figure out what it was that she wanted to tell her friend. Or rather what she knew she should tell her. Looking at the brunette now, Clarke wanted nothing more than to tell Raven about how things at least ended with Lexa this morning but it had been her that suggested originally that they kept it between them. She found herself regretting that now.

"I waited for you before that class too!" was all Raven said, clearly annoyed now that Clarke wasn't answering her question.

"Woods wasn't in great shape last night so I decided to stay and make sure that someone was around if she needed something." Clarke shrugged, trying to downplay the events from the night before.

"And that's it?" Raven asked in disbelief. "There was no fighting? No arguing? No kicking you off the team?"

"Well she wasn't really happy to see me this morning," she admitted, finally happy to be telling Raven something truthful. "And she yelled at me but it's over and done with. I moved on, she moved on."

Raven just shook her head, bewilderment on her face. "So nothing happened?" She asked again.

"Nothing" was all Clarke said and she could feel the guilt wash over her. But she couldn't risk telling her friend. She wasn't going to risk this chance.

\----------

Lexa sat on the couch with her mind racing, a mind that was already torturing her for her excessive drinking the night before. She felt nauseous, her stomach felt sickeningly empty and her brain felt as if someone had shoved an ice pick through it. So why was it that she felt as if this was the best morning of her life?

She knew it wasn't, that it just couldn't be. So why the smile that she couldn't shake?

She had never really talked to anyone before about what happened. The people left in her life that mattered to her already knew. Anya and Indra had been there through everything that happened and gave her the space she needed. Though thinking on it now, they gave her what she allowed them to give her. They would try and talk to her, comfort her and the kind actions would make her shutdown and she wouldn't speak for days after. They accepted that just being there was the only comfort they could provide.

So why had she opened up to this girl she had known for such a short period of time? Had she just caught her at the right moment in her grief? No Indra had asked those first few years for her to talk and she had responded by ignoring her for days.

Perhaps it was the guilt that she had felt the moment she realized that she had projected her masochistic feelings onto the blonde and that she actually accepted them as her reality. Hurting Clarke like that made her feel worse than anything had the day before. The minute she had realized she said it, she hated herself for it. But the minute Clarke had tried to escape, the need to protect and comfort her took over every other feeling she had been struggling with.

And in that moment she wanted to give Clarke whatever it was she wanted, whatever it was that would make her happy, whatever it was that could erase the mistake she had made. And she had sounded so desperate when she said that Lexa had never talked about what happened and it was as if Lexa's feet had a mind of their own as they led the blonde into the living room.

And the story of what happened had just poured out of her. It was cathartic and a weight had lifted off her shoulders. It didn't erase the sadness and she feared that nothing would. She had lost too many people that day to not be sad about it. And she couldn't say that she didn't still feel responsible but it was less so now. And there was hope that maybe one day she wouldn't carry that burden any longer.

It was a long shot, but sitting there with Clarke in the silence she felt like hope was possible. She felt like hope is what she deserved.

And then she had asked Lexa to try, to give them a chance. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her mind had chastised her that Clarke deserved more. Lexa didn't know how to be in a relationship, it had been six years since Costia and every girl in between was a distraction, a one or two night stand that she couldn't escape from fast enough. And Clarke was more than that, and she found herself wanting her to be so much more than that.

But despite the voice in her head, she had said okay. She wanted to say more, but that one word would have to be enough. It was all she felt comfortable giving. But she found herself willing to accept leaving the comfort of her insecurities for the blonde. It was time she started to make her move.

A wicked idea began building inside of Lexa's head. It was time to take Clarke up on her challenge and make sure that the blonde was the first to cave.

\----------

The past week had been torture and Clarke found herself aching for relief. It wasn't because classes were hard or that soccer practice had been particularly difficult. She hadn't had any issues with her friends and Lexa hadn't once attempted to push her away. By many standards this could have been one of the best weeks she'd had since coming to this school. The issue was that Lexa had been taking her challenge to heart.

Clarke already found the woman beautiful, sexy and confident but that was before Lexa had attempted to put her moves on the blonde. She thought she understood, standing up there waiting with Lexa at the elevator, why it was that women found her irresistible. That was her when she wasn't trying. Now it was DEFCON 1.

It didn't help that part of Lexa's charm was to make ordinary tasks sound highly sexualized. What made it worse was that she could do it with a stoic, unmoving look on her face so that she was able to do it everywhere, in plain sight amongst their friends and as long as she kept her voice low enough that only Clarke could hear her, no one would have known. Clarke could have told them what she had said and no one would believe her.

At soccer practice on Wednesday Clarke had been going one on one with Lexa, trying to get the ball past the Commander. And it was a stroke of genius on her part. She didn't know quite how she saw it, but Lexa had started favoring the left and Clarke sold her movements into that position. But just before they were about to collide, before Lexa could tip the ball, Clarke allowed herself to step in front of the ball, gripping it between her feet and jumping to flip it forward from behind her back to over her shoulder on the right side. She blew past the brunette, chasing down the ball and found herself completely unguarded.

Cheers had erupted from her team behind her as Lexa had looked at her completely in shock. And Clarke could feel the joy filling her chest, a smile spreading from ear to ear. Lexa had shook her head and walked over to the blonde, barely a hint of a smile on her face as she said low, so no one else could hear in a husky voice that dripped with lust and desire. "As good as you were with your feet there, I'm much better than that with my hands."

And as Clarke's face fell flat, a lump forming in her throat, the Commander turned as if nothing had happened and yelled out for Octavia and Raven to run the drill. And try as she might, Clarke could not shake the image of Lexa skillfully using her hands up and down her body.

After practice the girls had been cleaning up in the locker room when Clarke was watching Raven and Monroe arguing about which character in the Hunger Games was the hottest. Raven had responded to Monroe's remark that Jennifer Lawrence wasn't really that hot by squirting her water bottle in the girls face.

Monroe growled at her friend and said "Damnit, Raven, you got my shirt wet."

And while Clarke hadn't even seen Lexa enter the room she was there behind her, leaning into her ear and she could feel her hot breath on her neck when she whispered. "She's not the only one who's wet." And a shiver ran down Clarke's back, and her breathing became slightly labored. Lexa was gone in an instant but Clarke found herself unable to move even though a water fight had broken out. She was unable to escape the cup full of water that was chucked into her face.

She made it a point to not sit next to Lexa at dinner in the mess hall the rest of the week after Octavia had complained that she hated jello due to the slimy texture and the brunette made the statement that she rather enjoyed having that texture in her mouth.

That Friday the girls were trying to decide how to spend their evening, the only thing they could agree upon was that it needed to involve alcohol. Monroe, Octavia and Raven were sitting across the room on the couch while Lexa had been sitting on a chair in the dining room reading some legal document that a messenger had brought by an hour before. She was next to Clarke who was pretending to not watch the way she would lick her finger before turning a page. She took a drink of water, trying to swallow the dryness overtaking her mouth.

"Bowling, we are going bowling!" Monroe proclaimed.

Lexa just raised an eyebrow, not removing her gaze from her sheet as she said just loud enough for Clarke to hear with lips barely moving. "If I'm going to be sticking three fingers into something it definitely isn't going to be a bowling ball." A smile escaped the brunette's mouth only after Clarke began choking on her water.

And it wasn't just the things she had said. It was the way she looked at the blonde when she was certain that no one else was watching. It was the sexy grin on her face when she would look the blonde quickly up and down. It was the way she would lick at her lower lip before biting it as she stared in her direction. It was how she would arch an eyebrow at her when she knew Clarke was thinking about her in the most explicit ways almost as if she could read her thoughts.

But despite all that, Clarke was far too competitive to give in. Winning had been engrained in her since childhood. When kids her age were happy being given participation ribbons and stickers, she would often dump her awards in the trash if they were anything less than first place. And a week after Clarke had posed the challenge to Lexa she felt as if she had absolutely no shot of holding her own. She wasn't as smooth, she couldn't make those remarks without it reaching her eyes and face for the world to see. She had no card up her sleeve, that was until that Wednesday when they had been studying for midterms back at Lexa's apartment.

Okay, so she was the only one that was studying, well trying to study. Indra had retreated to her room, unable to deal with Raven and Octavia's antics. The two sat together thick as thieves, talking about anything that kept them away from doing any actual work.

"Two more days of classes and we are free!" Octavia yelled, throwing up torn pieces of homework into the air as if it were confetti.

"Only eleven days until you and Lincoln die of dehydration from not having taken the proper break from your fuck-a-thon!" Raven proclaimed before taking a drink from her water bottle.

Octavia laughed, a small tinge of redness filling her cheeks. "I'm going to be way too sore to be effective at all at practice that Monday."

"And here you've been telling Indra for the last two years that the amount of sex one has is proportional to their effectiveness on the pitch." Lexa walked into the room just in time to hear Octavia's declaration before taking her seat on one of the chairs, an exhausted look on her face. Clarke was reminded of her first night here, vaguely remembering Octavia making that statement.

"Well Commander, I'm sorry to say that you are proving my point."

Raven laughed.

"And what do you mean by that, Blake?" But Lexa didn't sound upset, she sounded slightly amused.

"I mean that Griffin got the drop on you twice this week and I did once. You're slipping." Octavia said it with a laugh but the smile on Lexa's face faltered slightly.

"When was the last time you got laid, Woods?" It wasn't Octavia who asked but Raven and Clarke found herself staring at Lexa wanting and not wanting to hear the response. Lexa in turn shifted in her seat, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"I haven't seen the Commander bring a girl home in the last two months come to think about it." Octavia mused aloud.

"Are you tracking my cycle too, Blake? I didn't know I had a personal assistant." Lexa said it flippantly, trying to change the tone of this conversation, to steer it elsewhere but the two girls would have none of it.

"We need to get you laid, Woods!" Octavia suggested while Raven wiggled her eyebrows at Clarke, unseen by anyone except for her and she found herself blushing. She dropped her head back into her textbook before Octavia noticed.

"And if I can't get myself laid, what makes you think that the two of you can?" Lexa piped in.

"You mean the three of us. I'm sure Clarke would love to help!" And there was Raven, throwing Clarke back into the fire.

But Clarke saw an opportunity and steadied her voice as she asked. "So what of it, Commander, that you look for in a woman?"

Lexa opened her mouth as if to answer, likely something not helpful, when Raven and Octavia looked at each other and said in unison "Boobs!" and a small flush reached Lexa's cheeks.

And like that, Clarke had discovered Lexa's kryptonite.

\----------

Lexa sat on the bench, lacing up her cleats. Only two more practices and they would be off to their first away game and she needed to focus and get the rest of the team focused. She was drawing up plays in her mind. She had watched the several hours of footage they had on the Vikings and she could see that their back line had a hard time defending runs into the box when strikers played out wide. Their forwards also seemed to be easily baited into jumping offsides. The back four will need to hold their line and she planned to pull Raven aside to help run those drills this afternoon

"You look pretty deep in thought there, Commander."

Lexa had to force herself to maintain her composure as the voice pulled at her heart strings making it nearly impossible not to smile. Nearly. It had taken every inch of self resolve that Lexa had to keep her hands off of the blonde all week, to keep from leaning in and planting a kiss on her cheek, on her lips.

It was even harder to not push her up against the wall every time she found herself whispering inappropriate innuendoes in her direction. It had been a week, a long punishing week and she couldn't believe that Clarke hadn't caved yet. This rarely happened to her. No, this never happened to her.

She had made it a point to walk Clarke to the elevator last night after Octavia and Raven spent the better part of half an hour talking about where she could find someone who would let her release some tension. She apologized for them but Clarke just shook her head, a devilish smile on her face. And Lexa couldn't help it, she pulled forward, about to kiss her when the blonde jumped into the elevator and said "Okay, bye!" while she waved enthusiastically.

Lexa had stood there, staring at the closed doors completely unsure of what the hell had just happened. And then she stood there wondering what the hell was happening to her. She never did this. She never found herself putting this amount of effort into some girl. But Clarke wasn't just some girl. She hadn't lied a week ago. Clarke was beautiful in a way that made her want to just sit there and watch her as walked, as she talked, as she laughed. And she was loyal, there wasn't a thing the girl wouldn't do for her friends. She had already done so much for Lexa. And she was funny, making comments or doing naive things that would make her laugh. And she didn't seem to be afraid of her, standing up for what she believed, not taking her shit.

But it was more than that. When she wasn't with her, she was thinking about her. And thinking about her made her want to be around her. And when they were together, it was as if the air around her became lighter and it was easier to breathe. And it scared her to no end.

They had only known each other less than three months and this girl had already gotten her to open up about herself more than, well, any other friend she had. And while she still had Indra, though things between them felt strained, it wasn't the type of friendship they shared. She loved her long time friend dearly and would do absolutely anything for her, but this was different. Again, it scared her. Every molecule in her body told her to run. But it was her soul that demanded that she stay.

"Yeah, I'm trying to get us ready for Saturday." Lexa finally responded, pulling herself out of her own thoughts. "Are you up for running some plays today where you were the one crashing into the box because I think..." but her words trailed off as she lifted her gaze to look up at the blonde. The ability to speak escaped her.

Clarke was sitting across from her in a thin white blouse that dipped down to just below her chest, two strings hanging on either side of where the V in the neck of the shirt started. And through the slit she could see a bright red push-up bra that made her chest perk up, cleavage starting her right in the face. Lexa thought that they looked sprightly and soft and she could feel a tingling sensation in her hands as they itched to touch them. Her lips parted, wanting desperately to lavish them. Her tongue clicked, wanting to swirl around her nipples. And it all made her groin ache.

"Because you think?" Clarke asked, pulling Lexa's eyes back up to her face. Immediately she could feel a deep blush rising into her cheeks as she realizes that the blonde knew she was staring at her perfect chest. And the look in Clarke's eyes with the smug grin on her face told Lexa that her reaction had been exactly what the blonde had hoped for. One small act, after a week of work, and she was being bested.

"What?" was what had come out of her mouth and she silently cursed herself. She knew it then, she had no idea what they had just been talking about.

"You want me to practice runs into the box because?"

Yes, soccer, that's right. Focus on soccer.

Soccer balls were round very much like Clarke's...

Lexa shook her head. Maybe Blake and Reyes had been right, she needed some release. She was clearly far too tightly wound.

"Uh, yeah, crashing into the box." Clarke looked as if she wanted to laugh. Lexa never stuttered, never like this. The blonde was going to be the death of her. "It's the Vikings weakness." She didn't think she was making sense. She probably wasn't.

Clarke laughed then, looking around the room to make sure that no one could see them. She then reached out and lightly ran her fingers up Lexa's arm.

Lexa could feel herself quivering beneath it. She was clearly more turned on than she could handle. She inhaled a deep breath. And as Clarke leaned into her ear, her chest so very close to Lexa's face, she could feel her heart racing. "Well, Commander, it doesn't look like they're the only ones with weaknesses." Lexa gulped.

Clarke pulled away, a satisfied grin on her face as she grabbed her bag off the bench. "I guess I better get out of this shirt and get dressed for practice!" And Clarke sauntered off, looking more confident and cocky than Lexa had ever seen her which she realized was also incredibly hot.

Lexa groaned, realizing that Clarke wasn't the only one who was going to need a change of clothes. Lexa leaned down to begin untying her cleats, frustratedly pulling them of her feet. The blonde was most definitely going to be the death of her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you all enjoyed that one. I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time revising it like I normally would because work has been insane. 
> 
> If I get a chance I will try and update again by Sunday. Sorry for the lag time but I won't be getting home until Saturday. Thanks for all the love and comments, they go a long way!


	17. Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 16:  
> The flirtatious game between the two girls began. Lexa's weapons were her wits and sharp tongue while Clarke weapon of choice was the chest God had given her. The question remains, who will break first?
> 
>  
> 
> I figured I would put together another sweet chapter before their first away game of the season. I've already written out the game sequence for the next one and I think my soccer friends will be pretty happy. With the MLS season in full swing and with Bayern advancing in the Champion's league, I have watched countless hours of soccer in the last few weeks. In fact, as I write this, I just finished watching the LA Galaxy game. Go Galaxy! So I've had some good material to write from.

The locker room was buzzing. The last classes of the day had been over, signaling the start of fall break. And the last practice of the week was over as well. All that stood between the girls and their vacation was an away game that was a four hour bus ride away. They would leave in the morning and then stay the night up in a hotel after the game. And everyone was confident about the game ahead. They all wanted to start their off time on a high note.

"So we meet out front at 8am. That means that I expect you all to be back in your rooms at a reasonable hour." The girls in the room all groaned, the wind being let slowly out of their sails. Clarke watched as the Commander just rolled her eyes before continuing. "There is still a game tomorrow. Now get out of here and go enjoy the rest of your night."

The locker room became loud again as people began talking loudly about how excited they were about having the next week off. Octavia threw an arm around Clarke's shoulder as she began leading her out of the locker room behind Harper and Raven who were planning out the rest of the evening.

"Griffin, I need to have a word before you leave."

A chorus of "Oohs" rang out amongst Clarke's teammates and despite herself they made her nervous. She had to quickly remind herself that the team often acted like a bunch of five year olds, but even that didn't help. She didn't think she had done anything of particular absurdity to piss Lexa off, but when she was in Commander Mode it was hard to tell.

She had shown up to practice wearing a plain light blue t-shirt with a low rounded neck that showed off her chest, though not as brilliantly as the shirt had the day before. The look that Lexa had given her when she saw the shirt brought a smile to Clarke's face. It was like she was having an impossible time not staring, her eyes becoming dark and unfocused. She quickly excused herself from the room and ran out to the pitch to run laps. Clarke was back in it now after having had a quick shower in the locker room after practice.

Clarke had to admit though, the way that Lexa had been looking at her was turning her on more than she thought it would. She found herself wanting more and more for the brunette to yank the shirt off of her and have her way with her in the ways she was sure Lexa was imagining. Even thinking about it now she could feel her legs weaken.

"We need to talk," Lexa said, after the last person had left the room, leaving the two of them alone. Clarke immediately felt her heart plunge into her stomach. Nothing good ever came from those four words strung together in that order as a complete sentence.

"About?"

"About the fact that we need a truce, Clarke."

She felt confused. "A truce? What are you-"

"You can't wear something like that tomorrow!" Lexa sounded completely exasperated as she started pacing back and forth. "I can't focus when you're wearing something that shows off your chest like that and I can't afford to be distracted during the game tomorrow." Her voice had turned to pleading.

Clarke let out an incredulous laugh. "After a week of having to deal with all the things you said, you can't handle two days of low cut t-shirts? A truce now hardly seems fair."

Lexa shook her head and Clarke could see frustration in the girl's eyes. She wasn't sure if it was because of whatever it was she was dealing with or the fact that she was making the request. "I just need a day, Clarke. If it weren't for the fact that I have duties tomorrow, if we didn't have a game..." She let the statement trail.

And Clarke understood. This flirtatious game they were playing was fun and it was exciting but it was deeply distracting. And it couldn't be allowed to go on, at least not when it was going to cause trouble. "So between now and until the end of the game tomorrow, you want a truce?"

"Yes." She stopped pacing, and stole another glance towards Clarke's chest before nodding and then returned to her pacing.

"Ok," she agreed. She didn't want to do it but she knew it had to be done. "I'll wear clothes that my mother would approve of and you keep your sex comments to yourself." Lexa nodded but continued to pace. "Is there anything else?" There had to be, something else was eating at the brunette, she could see it in her posturing. Clarke reached out her hand to grab hold of Lexa's forearm to keep her still. Lexa closed her eyes at the touch. If Clarke didn't know any better she would have thought the girl had been in pain a moment before and her body was now humming with relief.

Lexa's took in a long deep breath before saying anything, her voice came out small and unsure. "Blake and Reyes were right. I'm far too tightly wound right now."

It was all she said and Clarke's mind began racing. Was she really asking her for that so that she could play better on the pitch tomorrow? It wasn't like she didn't want to give it, but she didn't want it to be like this. "Are you asking me to sleep with you so that you could release whatever tension you have going on?"

Lexa's face dropped, clearly not realizing how the blonde would take the statement. "Of course I wouldn't! What kind of person do you think I am?"

Clarke felt the heat rising to her cheeks. "Well after what they said the other day about you relieving tension..."

Lexa groaned. It didn't look like this conversation was going the way she had planned it. "I don't want you to sleep with me, Griffin." Nothing about how Lexa responded the past two weeks left Clarke to believe that was true and she lifted an eyebrow at the girl in front of her. "I don't want you to sleep with me for the sake of the game tomorrow," she corrected. When Clarke laughed she finished with "You knew what I meant."

Clarke smiled, she liked seeing Lexa flustered this way. She doubted that it was something that many people had the pleasure of seeing. That fact made her grin even wider. "Then what do you want, Lex?" She could have sworn she could see Lexa melting when she had said her name.

They stared at each other for a long moment before Lexa sighed. "Forget it, it was stupid. Let's just call it a truce and I'll see you tomorrow." She had turned to leave but Clarke had not let go of Lexa's arm and she gripped it tighter, not allowing it.

"Don't be silly, Lex. You can tell me anything, you know that." And she found herself desperately hoping that she did know that. After everything that had happened between them she hoped Lexa knew that if nothing else that Clarke would be there for her.

Lexa let out a small laugh as she shook her head. "I feel like I'm fifteen again," she complained but turned back to look at the blonde. When Clarke said nothing in return she ran her free hand through her hair. "I want..." she trailed, shifting her gaze to the floor.

She looked so cute, standing there looking timid. It made Clarke's heart flutter. "You want?" she coaxed.

Lexa sighed again and said, in nearly a whisper, "I want to kiss you." The look of being uncomfortable seemed to wash away as Lexa lifted her gaze back to hers, the green eyes piercing as if determined. It was like the knew what she wanted and this was her trying to take it.

"Because you think it will help your tension?" Clarke asked. She didn't like the idea of that but she still found herself moving closer. She would be lying if she said she didn't want this too.

"No," Lexa explained, "because since the day you asked me to give this a chance, all I've wanted to do was kiss you again."

Clarke could feel her body buzzing, coming to life at the statement. "And yet you haven't."

Lexa let out a small laugh. "Well, Princess, I don't like to back down from challenges."

Clarke nodded. "And since we called a truce, this wouldn't count?"

But Lexa shook her head. "I'm not trying to get you into bed right now, Clarke. I just really want to kiss you. So for the love of all that is holy, please give me permission to do so, so that I can go to sleep happy tonight."

Clarke couldn't explain the feeling washing over her. Her mind was racing just as quickly as her heart and the world around them seemed to slow. "You don't have to ask my permission." She meant to say it teasingly but it came out soft, desperate. She wanted this just as much as Lexa did.

Lexa took a step closer, leaving only about six inches between them. "I need to ask permission. I'm not going to presume anything, not yet."

Not yet. Those two words filled Clarke with far more promise than the last week and a half of careless flirting that existed between the two of them. It was an affirmation that it wasn't just Clarke that wanted more out of this and that Lexa was picturing it as well. And she had no idea how this would all end, but she wasn't going to think about that. Life was too short to spend your life second guessing making the decisions that would make you happy. But she wasn't going to push Lexa and it appeared that Lexa had no intention of pushing her. She supposed this was a nudge, a nudge in the direction she wanted it to go.

A tingling sensation ran across her cheek as Lexa lifted her fingers and ran them against it, softly pulling Clarke from her thoughts. Lexa's green eyes were soft and filled with longing. It was longing and not lust that was driving her actions which Clarke found to be far more touching. "Kiss me."

Clarke's words came out in a whisper but it was all the brunette needed before she leaned forward and pushed herself up against the blonde. Clarke also found that to be more touching the fact that Lexa stepped forward to meet her than had she just pulled Clarke forward. It felt much less possessive, it didn't feel like Lexa hadn't just been taking her. It felt more like Lexa was giving a piece of herself away.

When their lips met Clarke had sworn she had never felt anything so soft before. A taste of mint and coconut filled her senses and she assumed the latter was due to the Chapstick the brunette would put on everyday after practice. She had often found herself wanting desperately to taste it. It was better than how she had imagined it.

The kiss was slow and soft and sent a wave of pleasure down Clarke's body much like lava rolling down a volcano. It was slow as it worked its way down her body but it burned deeply and left fires in its wake.

Clarke lifted her arms and wrapped them around Lexa's neck, pulling her down so that she wouldn't have to stand on her toes. And Lexa in turn wrapped her hands around Clarke' waist, pulling her closer. But the tone of the kiss did not change, it did not become desperate. It was warm and it was comforting and Clarke found herself wanting to spend the next several hours just wasting away against these lips.

But soon enough Clarke found herself wanting more as she let her tongue flick against Lexa's top lip and she gave in instantly, opening her mouth to receive her. Exploring Lexa's mouth was pure ecstasy and the feeling of Lexa in hers was just as overwhelming. And the feeling of it all became too much and Clarke found herself pushing deeper into the kiss, their mouths moving faster against one another, more needy, becoming desperate.

When Lexa pulled Clarke's bottom lip with her teeth and gave it a slight nip, a shock of electricity ran down Clarke's core, buzzing between her legs and she let out a feral moan which seemed to make Lexa shiver as she disengaged her lips and shook her head. "Just kissing," she said with heavy breathing.

Clarke nodded, trying to calm herself before pushing her lips back against Lexa's. And she moved her hands from behind Lexa's neck so that one lay softly against her face while the other gripped her neck. Lexa's moved to her hips. And she had no idea how long they stood there kissing, holding one another. A voice in the back of her head prayed that her friends weren't waiting for her outside. But she ignored it. She didn't have time to care about what they thought, not when Lexa was here kissing her as if it Clarke were the most precious thing she had in her life.

When they finally pulled apart, Lexa laid her forehead against Clarke's and they both stood there trying to catch their breaths. She could have sworn that their chests were rising and falling together in unison.

"Wow," was all Lexa let out and Clarke could feel herself blushing.

"Is that what you had been hoping for?" Clarke asked as a smile tugged at her lips.

Lexa laughed as she pulled away to look in the blonde's eyes. Clarke could see the green eyes sparkle, the smile on the brunette's face fully reached those eyes. "It was so much better."

Clarke laughed and planted a small kiss on Lexa's mouth. "We should call truces more often."

Lexa just lifted one of her eyebrows. "Or you could give in and I won't have to stop the next time you moan."

"Not a chance, Commander." Lexa kissed her once more before letting go.

\----------

Lexa stood there straight with both hands behind her back as she watched the girls pile into the bus, all wearing their black track pants and green and white practice jerseys. She found herself slightly disappointed but highly relieved that Clarke hadn't found a way to show any cleavage through this outfit. She gave a small smile to the blonde who grinned at her and couldn't help but think about the night before.

Kissing Clarke felt like coming up for a breath of air after you had been drowning. It was exhilarating and so filled with life that Lexa found herself almost wanting to skip during her walk home. And she found herself wondering if Clarke felt the same way. But before she could think on it long she felt a buzzing in her pocket. She smiled down at her phone.

**Clarke (7:40pm): Can I just say, that was amazing**

Lexa's heart fluttered and she thought of what she should say but she found herself wanting to say were things that were just too sappy. Instead she settled for something more hopeful.

**Lexa (7:43pm): I can't wait to do that again**

She was pulled from her thoughts as she heard Reyes yell out, "Sorry, Griffin, you can't sit there. That's the Commander's seat and you can't ruin tradition." Lexa laughed. She didn't realize that there was anyone else who enjoyed riding at the front of the bus except for her.

When everyone had piled in, Lexa bounded up the steps and took her seat at the front of the bus. The person who sat closest to her was Harper who still sat five rows back. Lexa had to admit that she preferred it this way. It allowed the girls behind her to talk amongst themselves and enjoy the trip while she was left in peace to mentally prepare for the game ahead.

Ten minutes into the drive Lexa heard a small commotion towards the back of the bus. She wouldn't have paid it any mind had it not been for the name mentioned. "Griffin, get back here!" And three seconds later the blonde was plopping herself in the first row seat across the isle.

Lexa turned her head to see the blonde smiling brightly at her. Lexa just lifted an eyebrow. "You're sitting in my seat."

Clarke's brow furrowed. "No, the seat you are sitting in is your seat."

Lexa laughed. "The girls are pretty superstitious. They are all sitting in the same seats they were last year."

Clarke just shrugged. "This is my first time on the bus so I don't have a seat."

Lexa sighed. "If you sit here now, you are stuck here the rest of the year." When Clarke just flashed her a bigger smile Lexa continued. "It's not as fun up here with me as it is back there." She motioned with her thumb.

Clarke pursed her lips together. "Honestly, I'd like some quiet so I can get focused for the game." Lexa could feel a smile tugging at the corners or her mouth but chose to contain it. "But if you don't want me up here I can go back."

Lexa responded much faster than she wanted to admit. "You can stay." And Lexa knew that had it been anyone else she would have said no. Even Indra sat towards the middle of the bus. She knew that Lexa liked the alone time and it allowed her to make sure the girls didn't get too rowdy. It was something Lexa had always appreciated. And while things between the two of them had become less tense, both still seemed unhappy with one another. But Lexa pushed that to the back of her mind.

But sitting there, across from the blonde, Lexa had to admit that Indra may have been right. She was changing. But what Indra hadn't understood was that it wasn't for Clarke that she was changing. Lexa was changing because doing these things made her happy and for the first time in six years Lexa believed that she deserved to be happy. And maybe the blonde had been the catalyst for all of this but it only made her appreciate Clarke even more.

"So tell me again about the Viking's defensive back line?" Clarke's question made Lexa smile. And they sat there on the bus the rest of the ride either sitting in a comfortable silence or talking soccer strategy.

It was so much nicer than sitting alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that one! I liked writing this sweet, loving version of Lexa which we all know sits deep below the surface of her stoic exterior. We will start seeing more of this side of Lexa in the upcoming chapters along with flirty Lexa because that last chapter was really fun to write.
> 
> Sorry if this chapter was a little shorter than normal, though I may just have spoiled you all with longer chapters recently. It was a really long and hard work week and I didn't have a whole lot of time to write. I did, however, really enjoy reading all of your comments. It gave my rough days a good pick me up and I just wanted to tell you all thank you so much. You guys are amazing!
> 
> Look for another chapter on Wednesday!


	18. Up, Up and Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 17:  
> Lexa called a truce between her and Clarke to stop their distracting flirting so that she could focus on the upcoming away game. She may have also done it because she desperately wanted something else from the blonde. It was pretty cute.
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, so this is the chapter soccer fans have been waiting for. I'd say that I watched hours of soccer this week just so I could write something for this chapter, but I'm no martyr, I would have watched hours of soccer anyway. And I'm pretty excited because in the afternoon I get to see Bayern take on Atletico. I may have scheduled a work "meeting" for those few hours the game is on. I recommend you all do the same!
> 
> Note: in soccer, when you catch the ball into your chest, it's referred to as "chesting" the ball. That might be something to keep in mind for this one to help explain a comment that Clarke makes. I wonder to whom...

The Vikings were proving to be a much tougher opponent than the Hawks had been. They were faster, more resilient. But what they made up for in speed they lacked in accuracy. Clarke realized that they were relying on their speed to get to arrant passes.

Raven was yelling at Monroe to get back as a ball soared just over their heads and three Vikings were barreling in on them. Clarke pushed back, trying to provide much needed support but her movements weren't fast enough and neither were Monroe's as the striker slipped past them and got to the ball before taking a shot at goal from atop the eighteen yard box.

Harper dove, throwing her entire body across the goal box, just managing to grab the ball between her hands. When she hit the floor she immediately curled her body up around the ball and hugged it into her chest between her arms just as a Viking came crashing in, hunting for a mistake. It was Harper's third save of the game.

Clarke breathed a sigh but Raven was yelling out at Monroe to mark her man better and now Harper was up yelling at the two of them to "focus on the fucking game!" Harper hadn't been the type of person to curse and the anger behind the words surprised Clarke. What surprised her even more was that the Commander was not the one yelling the way she would have been at practice. Instead she gave Harper a thumbs up who nodded back in the Commander's direction.

Possession had been evenly split between the teams and it wasn't until thirty-five minutes into the game that the ball found its way into the back of the net. It was a corner kick that Raven had taken, but instead of sending it into the box, she passed it to Indra who was ten yards back from the penalty box. Indra quickly passed it to the left to Octavia as defenders came crashing in on her and Clarke took a look around her as she stood just inside the box and noticed that she hadn't been marked.

Immediately she threw up a hand and Octavia caught her, arching the ball in her direction but it was moving too high. Clarke launched herself into the air hiking her right knee up higher for an extra umph. She watched the ball coming in, a sea of blue jerseys now crowding around her. In in that split second she also saw a white jersey which appeared to be left alone.

When the ball came in, she thrust her head in the direction of the jersey as the ball collided with the side of her head. The ball came in and Lexa positioned herself with knees bent and arms low at her side to catch the ball into her chest, dropping it down to her feet. And then it was just a matter of turning on her right foot as the laces of her left poked at the ball that was bouncing up, sending it soaring just past the fingertips of the keeper.

Clarke thrust her right hand into the air with another jump. She had written "DAD" on that arm once again and held it high in the air even after she had fallen back onto her feet. Lexa dipped down between the Vikings players left in the box as she went to the eighteen yard line and kissed the date tattoo on her forearm then one by one her teammates came by and each gave her a celebratory clasp of the forearm and shoulders.

By the time Clarke reached her, they both had smiles from ear to ear. Together they let their arms meet in the middle to clasp forearms and Clarke bent her head forward, even before Lexa could grab for the back of her head. They stood there heads pressed together, Lexa's hand on her head for only seconds but Clarke again felt the world slowing around them. Here in this moment she was standing on cloud nine and never wanted to leave. She couldn't help herself as she said to the Commander "Nice chest!"

Lexa let go of her, an audible laugh escaping her mouth. Clarke didn't think she could have been happier but the sound of her laughter made her mind soar higher. Lexa just shook her head and said "Well, I had chests on my mind for the past three days. I figured I'd make some use out of it." And now it was Clarke who was laughing.

The tides turned sixty minutes into the game. Again a ball soared over the defense as the Viking's striker ran after it, a second and a half sooner than was legal. Raven threw her hand in the air, signaling for offsides but the flag stayed down. Raven chased behind the girl but it was too late. She had let the ball fly and this time Harper didn't have a chance as it hit just inside the corner of the post.

The girl who scored ran around, doing a cartwheel, before her team piled on her. Harper who had thrown herself yet again was on the floor, a fist slamming down into the ground and Raven stood there with her head in her hands which was raised upwards to the sky. The Commander on the other hand had charged across the field and was in the line judges face, signaling at the spot the girl had been offsides, hand pointing adamantly. The referee pushed both of her hands in a downward motion, signaling that she needed to calm down.

Clarke had gotten closer and she had heard her say "Do your job and I wouldn't have to calm down." She then jogged away from the ref and ran over to Raven. Clarke half expected her to tear into the girl the way she would at practice but instead she placed her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Hey, you did it the way we drew it up. We were robbed. Don't give them a chance to do it again. You got this."

Raven nodded, a small smile on the corner of her mouth as she agreed with the Commander who gave her a nod before jogging back to Clarke. "Crash the box, understand?" And Clarke nodded.

Ten minutes later Lexa was running up the right side of the field with the ball at her feet, taking on a single defender. Clarke had to admit, there was something fluid and poised about the Commander when she was taking someone, just one on one. She would show off her ball movement without shame.

She swung her leg around and in front of the moving ball before using the other to pivot herself into a different direction. The defender, not ready for the change, stepped out with her right foot and Lexa poked the ball right between the defenders legs, a smile escaping her lips. And as she turned to jump over the defenders leg to go around her, the defender lifted her knee, making contact with the Commander's foot, sending her topping over.

Lexa landed hard on her right knee and was instantly rolling around on the ground. Whistles were sounding in every direction but Clarke found herself running towards the defender, a fury building up inside of her. She was about fifteen yards away when Indra intercepted her, wrapping her arms around her back and holding her firm.

Clarke squirmed to get away from the girl but Indra wouldn't let go. "Griffin, she wouldn't want it!" She practically yelled in her ear before pushing the blonde away at arm's length, griping her shoulders firmly and looking her dead in the eyes.

Indra was the last person that Clarke wanted to be around right now. The two of them didn't like each other, it was apparent, but there was something in her eyes that Clarke could not escape. There was a pleading. And in that moment Clarke seemed to know that Indra was also restraining herself, that she wanted desperately to take a shot at the defender who had sent their girl flying, but that keeping Clarke from doing something stupid was what she found to be more important.

It didn't stop the fact that Clarke did not like her, but a small amount of respect for her on the field grew. She knew it. Retaliation wasn't an option, couldn't be an option. And she let out a deep breath before nodding. Indra let go. Together they turned to jog up to their Commander.

A yellow card was being held up in the face of the girl who had lifted her leg while Lexa was struggling to get to her feet. Indra and Clarke reached out for her but she ignored them both, pushing herself onto her left leg, hopping to avoid the right. When she did start walking, she limped, a grimace of pain crossing her features only momentarily before forcing a look of stone onto her face.

Coach Sydney ran over to her with medical personnel but the Commander shook her head no and forced herself to jog back into her position. Clarke could see the gait, but everyone seemed to nod, accepting the fact that the Commander was refusing any treatment and there was no way in hell she was going to let herself be removed from the game. Clarke sighed.

They were tied one to one and time was flying by, no longer on their side. Lexa was yelling at girls to push forward as a Viking stripped the ball from the corner defender and went crashing into the box. She took a shot, but Raven came in out of nowhere, sliding so that her foot made contact with the ball, popping it to Harper's feet where she ran with the ball to the midline.

Harper passed the ball down field to Indra who was waiting five yards from the corner of the penalty area. There was a defender five feet in front of her and she passed it directly forward into open field where Octavia was crashing forward behind Indra's defender. She rounded the ball, and turned with the ball only four yards from the end line before she launched it back into the box. Clarke was running forward, all she could hear was Lexa in her mind, telling her to crash the box.

Three defenders surrounded the Commander at the right corner of goal who jumped up to meet the ball with her head and the keeper dove toward them to make the save. But the brunette did not take the shot. Instead she flipped the ball back to the center of the box, near the end of the eighteen yard box. Clarke's eyes grew wide.

The ball was coming back towards her and the defenders in the box had been pulled away towards the Commander along with the keeper who lay at her feet. Clarke had seen it a million times before. Players would take the open shot with so much gusto that the ball wound up in the stands, twenty rows up. So she took a deep breath and focused on hitting the ball with her laces and not her toe. Clarke swore she could hear the whoosh of the ball as it hit the back of the net.

She couldn't tell you how many goals she had scored over the course of her lifetime. She had been playing the sport since she was four. But there was one thing that remained consistent through all her years and that was the exhilaration that welled up inside of her every time she scored a goal. She always wondered if there would ever be a time where this action alone would feel less overpowering. Now was not that time.

She threw her fist into the air and let out a victory cry and it wasn't more than a second later that a weighty pressure fell against her back. Octavia had jumped onto her in celebration. And she was surrounded by hands and arms, pulling her into hugs and patting her on the back. Even Indra had given her a toothy grin. But again Clarke found her heart soaring as Lexa jogged up to her.

In her moment of ecstasy, Clarke's senses were heightened. She could feel the muscles flexing in Lexa's forearms, she could smell the scent of woods and smoke and mint, and she could feel the stickiness of sweat where their foreheads were held together. She wanted so desperately to pull the brunette closer, to taste the saltiness she was sure existed on her lips. But reason and self preservation held her unmoving.

"That shot was amazing," Lexa breathed out as she pulled away. But Clarke could see the statement she wanted to make pulling from those piercing green eyes. _You're amazing._ Breath caught in Clarke's throat and she swallowed to force it down. She wasn't sure she would ever get used to the feeling that washed over her when Lexa looked at her that way. And she didn't want to. She prayed that her heart would always skip a beat.

Five minutes was all that remained and when the whistle finally blew Clarke ran up to Raven and pulled her friend into a warm embrace. She could see the relief on her roommate's face. Her error had not cost them the game. Then Octavia hugged the two of them before they had released their embrace.

She turned to see Lexa and Indra sharing a long look before clasping forearms. Lexa had motioned her head in Clarke's direction and mouthed something to her friend with a small smile. Indra in turn just nodded her head, her shoulders relaxing before they parted ways.

Clarke walked past Harper, patting her on the shoulder as she went to try and catch up to the Commander who was walking back alone to the locker room. When she reached the tunnel she heard the Commander hiss "jok" from around the corner. Clarke moved faster, turning the corner to see Lexa limping. The knee injury which seemed to miraculously disappear during the game was back in full force.

Lexa turned, almost as if she felt a change in the air around her. When her eyes met Clarke's she straighten and walked toward her with a small smile, pretending again as if the injury was not existent. "That was one hell of a game you had today, Griffin." She was trying to sound exuberant. Clarke knew she was trying to portray the notion that she was fine, but Clarke had already seen what she wasn't supposed to.

With a disapproving shake of the head, she walked over to the Commander and grabbed her right arm, hoisting it around her shoulder as she grabbed Lexa around the waist and began walking her back to the locker room. She could feel her glaring in her direction. "Griffin, I'm fine" she huffed, clearly not wanting the help that Clarke was forcing upon her. But the blonde did not falter under the glare.

"Let's get some ice on that knee."

"Clarke, I'm fine." Her voice was less annoyed, but there was also something else in it, almost accepting as if she knew that the blonde was not going to back down. And she wasn't.

\----------

"Come on, Commander! Join us!" Raven, Octavia, Harper, Monroe, Clarke and the Commander were all lounging around Clarke and Raven's hotel room, a victorious buzz thick in the air as they all celebrated. The rest of the team had found excuses to go to bed after Raven had pulled out the bottles of tequila and whiskey and it appeared that Lexa was the last trying to escape.

Lexa knew that she should go, that she needed to maintain some decorum of leadership but blue eyes sparked, staring deeply at her, begging her to stay. Her heart and her mind were at war, and she could feel her mind losing.

"Playing 'Never Have I Ever' is a sure fire way to make sure I'm the drunkest person in the room," was all she said. They all knew it was true. Despite her lack of physical sexual activity the last two and a half months, Lexa had had years of it leading up to her dry spell. A game where sexual experience amounted to drinks taken was not ideal.

"Fine, then we'll play 'Truth'!" Octavia proclaimed, flashing Lexa a mischievous grin. It was a game that Lexa had always refused to play, one that due to her inability to back down from challenges she feared would be much too revealing.

"What's 'Truth'?" Clarke asked. Lexa found herself responding, falling back into her seat across from the blonde.

"We all start the game by taking a shot and then we refill our shot glasses. Then one of us will ask someone else in the circle a question. If you don't want to tell the truth you have to take a shot but if you answer the question you don't. The person who was asked the question will then ask someone else a question and the rules then apply to them. You only get asked one question per round and the round is finished once everyone has been asked a question."

"How many rounds?" Octavia asked, trying to setup ground rules.

"Ten." Raven replied, the smile on her face growing.

"And you can't re-ask a question that has already been asked." Lexa threw in this last rule as a safety measure.

"So you're in, Woods?"

It was a bad idea. There were too many questions she wouldn't want asked. Too many answers she'd be unwilling to give. And yet she didn't get up. She didn't walk away. She stared into blue eyes and wanted to know more. The girl that had broken down so many barriers still remained a mystery to her, one she found herself more and more desperate to solve. Curiosity over preservation. "I'm in."

The first two rounds were relatively tame. Questions about favorite things and childhood memories. Lexa's favorite color had always been a deep sunset orange but when asked, her answer was immediate. Blue. And for a moment, her eyes met Clarke's and she found she had to look away.

Octavia was the first to ask a question in the third round. "Enough with these PG questions!"

Lexa interrupted her, "Octavia isn't a fan of foreplay, apparently." The group laughed and her roommate glared in her direction.

"Clarke, how many people have you slept with?"

The blonde shifted in her seat and went to reach for her shot glass when Octavia grabbed her hand and gave her an incredulous look. "Come on, Griffin! Don't be taking a shot over this tame a question. Whatever the number, I'm sure it doesn't hold a candle compared to the amount of women the Commander has conquered."

Octavia winked at the Commander after her tongue in cheek comment involving candles but Lexa didn't feel like laughing. Lexa could feel something boiling down inside of her, an anger she needed to squash, one she knew was irrational to have. She settled for returning the girl's glare from a moment before.

"One," the blonde said as she pulled back her hand.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Monroe said with a smile.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty cool." Finished Harper and Clarke shared a smile with them.

Lexa, however, found herself shifting in her seat. Octavia was right, that number was extremely small in comparison. Lexa had stopped counting conquests after fifty. It wasn't that she had been trying to sleep with as many people as possible but sleeping with someone more than twice seemed to give her partners ideas that what they had was more than just sex and she didn't want to deal with that. But Clarke's lonely number of one had her wondering.

She obviously was beautiful and she had seen guys and girls alike stare at her. It wasn't as if she didn't have the opportunity. Did she view the act as something more sacred? Something to be shared between two people who were more emotionally involved than that of lustful desire? Would she care that Lexa didn't view sex that way? Though she hadn't sleep with anyone since the night she'd met the girl. And it wasn't as if she didn't have needs, she did. They were strong and were the cause of many cold showers and many nights alone with herself in her room...or the girl's locker room bathroom that night she had been helping Clarke with her homework.

She was far too tightly wound. But she didn't seek out others to remedy it anymore. Maybe she didn't view the act with the same flippancy the way she did before.

She was lost in thought and she almost missed Harper calling her name. "Commander, have you ever had a threesome?"

"Yes," she said, vaguely remembering the night two years ago after final exams when she met those two art students who had been dating. "I'm not a fan though." And she hadn't been. It was messy and jealousy had reared its ugly head when one of the girls complained to her parter that she had spent more time going down on Lexa than she did her and Lexa was left to dress and escape amongst yelling. She swore not to do that again.

"Speak for yourself," Raven quipped and Lexa's eyes fell to the brunette with a wicked smile that seemed to make Raven look nervous.

"Reyes, between a clit and a cock, what would you rather put in your mouth?" If Lexa was being honest, she really was curious. She hadn't ever had a desire to sleep with a man but she knew what sat beneath their jeans and the thought of being choked by it didn't at all sound appealing to her.

Raven shook her head and downed a shot of tequila. "I'm not going to give you the pleasure of knowing that, Woods." And the pair grinned at one another.

"Octavia," Raven started, "is what Bellamy said true that you had a quickie with Lincoln in the hall room closet during your last family dinner with everyone home?"

The girl turned a deep red and put her face in her hands. "How did he know about that?" Was all she asked much to the amusement of her friends. Raven made a joke that that was probably the closest her grandmother had been to action in a long time which just made her redder.

In round five, Raven got her revenge. "Lexa, who on the team would you most want to sleep with?"

Lexa could feel a blush riding up her cheeks as she forced herself to keep her gaze on Raven and not at the blonde sitting to her right. Lexa had always known that Raven was observant, she had assumed it what made her a good engineer, but the smile on her face made Lexa believe that she knew.

Clarke.

The name sat between them silently screaming. And Lexa was torn between not wanting to back down from this challenge and not wanting to ruin the agreement she had made with Clarke. It took another few seconds before she took the glass in her fingers and downed it, the cheap whiskey burning its way down her throat. Raven's smile was that of victory. Victory that she had won the battle and victory that she believed she knew the answer. Lexa refused to meet Clarke's gaze.

In the sixth round Harper looked to the blonde. "Griffin, what's the most adventurous thing you've ever done?" And she wiggled her eyebrows.

Clarke smiled, the answer coming instantly. "I went sky diving once."

But Harper groaned. "I meant in bed, Griffin."

Clarke went a little green and Lexa said, "Sorry, Harp, rules are rules. You asked a question, she answered." Relief washed over Clarke's face while the keeper groaned again. "How was it?"

"Skydiving?" Clarke asked. Lexa nodded, generally interested. Though in all honesty, she found most of the things Clarke said interesting no matter the subject. "It's not what you'd expect. It's more like floating than falling. It's peaceful."

The pair smiled at one another and Raven exaggeratedly cleared her throat causing the blonde to blush. Lexa loved the way the red tint quickly came onto Clarke's cheeks when she seemed embarrassed or nervous. And knowing the blush was for her made her smile a little wider.

In the ninth round Octavia asked Lexa the question that had been on her mind since their conversation on Wednesday. "Woods, when was the last time you got laid?"

Lexa bit her lip. Seventy seven days, though that was more detailed than she wanted to provide. She didn't mean to count down the days, but not being with someone so long was becoming more and more difficult. Everyday she went without was another day she got hungrier for it. "A little over two months I guess. Whenever it was that 'Cindy Southern Accent' came over."

"The night Clarke and I met at your place for dinner?!" Raven almost sounded appalled. And yes, the night she had met Clarke had been the last time she had slept with someone. It also happened to be the first time she imagined herself making the blonde moan her name. She wished she could say the two things weren't correlated but they were.

However, she answered her question and no longer had an obligation to tell the truth. So instead she shrugged and pretended not to know. She also pretended that she didn't feel Clarke staring directly at her, obviously realizing the night in question.

In the last round only Lexa and Clarke were left as Monroe looked between the two, trying to decide what to ask. "Clarke, what was the last sex dream you had?"

Lexa stared at the blonde, leaning forward, and blue eyes lifted to meet her with a quick searing gaze before turning away. The look had said it all and it took everything in Lexa to not let out a smug grin. Whatever it had been about, Lexa knew she had obviously been a part of it.

Clarke refused to answer, immediately downing the shot. It had been her third of the night. Lexa was proud to say she had only had one. Clarke looked at her, a sour look on her face from the harsh tequila on her tongue.

"So Lexa," she started on the last question of the night, "Are you a top or a bottom?"

Lexa looked at the girl in front of her and grinned. Had everyone not been looking at her she would have given the blonde a crooked brow that said 'find out for yourself' but she knew better. "While I could tell you that, Griffin, I haven't had enough to drink tonight." And she took the shot, placing it rim side down on the table when she finished. She could see a look of disappointment in her blue eyes.

"Lame!" Octavia stated, rolling her eyes. Lexa laughed.

"Well this has been fun," Lexa said with a grin, "but I'm heading back to the room to go to bed. I'll see you all in the morning." But as she went to stand up, so did Clarke who raised an eyebrow in her direction. It was more a look of concern than seduction.

"When was the last time you iced your knee?"

Lexa shook her head. "I'm fine, Griffin. It's just a little bruise,"

The blonde was shooting her an exasperated look before she turned to Raven. "Where's the plastic bags you brought? I need to help our stubborn leader with her knee."

Raven laughed at the look that fell over Lexa's face. She was sure she looked like a toddler being told they needed to eat their vegetables before dessert. The defender pointed to a drawer where Clarke followed.

"Griffin," Lexa warned, in no mood to be controlled by the blonde in front of half her team, but Clarke didn't seem to care. Instead she just walked out the door with a bag in hand leaving the Commander no choice but to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope the soccer game was all some of you were hoping for. I tried to write it in even more detail because a few people commented that they liked reading the soccer part of this so much so this one was for you guys.
> 
> Things are going to start heating up for our two girls. There will be a minimal, but still existent, amount of smut in Chapter 19. Chapter 20 looks like it will be filled with it, maybe also in Chapter 21. I did give this story a Mature rating, I'm finally going to make good on that. 
> 
> Thanks again for all the comments. You guys really are the best!


	19. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 18 Recap:  
> So there was a lot of soccer, a lot of wonderful soccer! The girls had their first away game of the season and decided to finish off their night playing the Truth game, revealing things about themselves. Yes that sounds cryptic but I don't want to give it away if someone hasn't read it yet!
> 
>  
> 
> So I suppose I should start off this chapter with a little warning since there is a little bit of smut in it. It isn't much, especially in comparison to what I have planned for next chapter, but it's there. If you don't like smut I suggest skipping parts related to dreams and moving past the break. But it really isn't that bad...

The walk down the hall to get ice and then the walk to Lexa's room was filled with a bubbling silence. Clarke could tell that the Commander hadn't been pleased at her own stand of dominance shown in front of their teammates, but she couldn't ignore the way Lexa's knee looked swollen underneath her training pants. And while her mother didn't often attend her soccer games, she would always return home to patch Clarke up whenever an injury had occurred, putting her medical knowledge to good use. And Clarke would be damned if she wasn't going to force Lexa into letting her help her.

When they entered her room, Clarke froze. Unlike her own hotel room which had two beds, one for each inhabitant, this room had a single king bed and a small L shaped couch that ran along the wall.

"You're not sharing a room with Indra?" Clarke questioned. What she really wanted to ask - did she have this room all to herself?

Lexa gave out an irritated huff as she sat on the sofa, reclining her injured knee onto the cushions, still annoyed with the girl in front of her. Clarke could tell the feeling was at least slowly starting to diminish. "Things have been a little strained between the two of us lately. She offered to room with someone else and I agreed."

Clarke hadn't really expected Lexa to answer her honestly, not that Lexa was dishonest. It was just that she often kept things to herself. But maybe after their last big talk, that hurdle was past them. At least Clarke hoped it would be. She smiled at the brunette who looked as if she was struggling at not returning the gesture. Instead she held onto a feigned look of annoyance. Slowly though the annoyance turned to a look of teasing.

"So are you going to bandage me up or is there another reason you wanted to get me alone in a hotel room?"

Clarke could feel the flush rising in her cheeks which seemed to pull a smile out of Lexa. Clarke instead rolled her eyes and lifted Lexa's leg from the couch so that she could sit beneath it. She placed the pack of ice onto her knee and began wrapping it into place with a medical bandage wrap.

She tried to concentrate on the activity but found her fingers lingering on Lexa's thigh longer than necessary. When Lexa took a large inhaled breath, Clarke's heart began to race. "That doesn't hurt, does it?" She asked, but they both knew that wasn't a sound of pain.

"No," was all the brunette said and Clarke could feel Lexa's eyes running up and down her body, landing on her fingers while they worked the bandage.

"So," Clarke started, trying to lighten the mood, "you refused to say who you wanted to sleep with on the team. I'm hoping it wasn't because you didn't want me to hear the answer, was it?" Clarke let out a small laugh to take out the seriousness of the question. Though a part of her couldn't help but wonder if Lexa hadn't answered the question to hide from Clarke that she would have wanted to sleep with another teammate more.

"I should have just answered," Lexa confessed. "I'm pretty sure that I wasn't very discrete looking at your chest the last three days."

Clarke laughed, an excitement bubbling inside of her. "Lex, I'm pretty sure a blind person could have seen it." Lexa rolled her eyes. "I assume I can return to my attire now that our truce is over?" Clarke smiled sheepishly as she looked at the brunette who gave her a wicked grin.

"Feel free to just walk around my place topless all week if you'd like."

Clarke could feel herself blushing again, reminded of the fact that as soon as they returned, her and Lexa would be sharing a place together for the next week, just the two of them. It wasn't that the thought had ever really escaped her mind but now that it was so quickly approaching it was as if it were finally real. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she finished wrapping Lexa's knee but she didn't remove her left hand from high on Lexa's thigh. Lexa reached out and placed her hand on top of hers.

Then the look Lexa had on her face during the Truth game came back into Clarke's mind and she felt like squirming in her seat. "You seemed bothered by the fact that I've only ever slept with one person." It wasn't a question, just an observation, one that had her feeling very uneasy.

The teasing smile that had been on Lexa's faces fell. It looked as if she was trying to figure out what to say. "I'm not bothered by how few people you've slept with, Clarke. I'm worried that you may not want to be with someone who has slept with as many people as I have." She looked somber beneath her confession.

Clarke was taken aback. It didn't matter to her how many people Lexa had slept with, but she knew that during her first few weeks here she had found herself giving the brunette disgusted looks every time she saw her with someone new. She had said it was because Lexa was discarding women but really, she now knew that it was because a part of her wanted to be one of those women. A part of her wanted the Commander to try and sweet talk her into bed.

But Clarke also began to wonder exactly how high that number had been. How many girls had Lexa slept with? Twenty five? Fifty? One Hundred? She didn't want to know. What she did know was that it made her feel as if she lacked experience. What if she wasn't good in bed?

"We all have pasts." It was all she could think to say.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in thought.

"I don't expect anything." Clarke looked at Lexa confused about what she had meant so the brunette continued. "Just because you're staying at my place, alone with me, I don't have any expectations beyond just being in your company. You'll have your own room."

Clarke knew that Lexa meant it as a reassurance, to make her feel more comfortable. Instead she felt a pang of anxiety. She found that she had been expecting more. She had been expecting them to fall passionately into bed over the fall break. She wanted it, she hoped for it. Hell, she had dreamed about it and she took a shot of tequila to keep that secret.

"So you haven't thought about it happening, then?" Clarke could feel her voice come out small. She looked down at their entwined hands before looking back up at Lexa when she let out a small laugh.

"Don't kid yourself, Princess. It would be more appropriate to ask me when it was that I wasn't thinking about it. You don't know how much I wanted to ask you what you enjoyed most in bed back in that other room."

Clarke felt a smile lifting at the corners of her mouth and she could feel a warmth spreading in her legs. Thinking about Lexa wanting to please her made her feel very aroused. "I would have just taken a shot," she said honestly.

"There are no shots for you to take in this room, Clarke." Lexa had said it playfully.

"I didn't hear a question," the blonde quipped.

"You know what I've dreamed about. Tell me something you've dreamed about." Clarke could feel the heat in her face and she knew her cheeks had to be a bright red. This wasn't the type of banter she had ever had with Finn. She even found that she was uninterested in sexting back then, and didn't much enjoy the pictures that Finn sent her, not that she had ever told him that.

"You drunkenly told me what you dreamt about. You may not have even been telling the truth in that state."

She could see the darkness in Lexa's eyes. "Drunk me is always honest. But if you're not convinced, I could tell you now - sober - if you'd like." Clarke could feel a small throbbing in her groin.

"For someone who doesn't expect anything, you sure like to toe the line," she joked biting her lip.

She watched Lexa's eyes intently watching her teeth as they bit onto her lip and Lexa leaned forward and buried her face into Clarke's neck, planting soft kisses near her pulse point. It made Clarke shiver. It was hard to breathe, harder to think.

"You don't want me to tell you?" Her voice was gruff in her ear and Clarke responded the only way she could, by nodding.

Lexa let out a small laugh. "I should have phrased that question better. Do you want me to tell you about my dream about you?" And she was nibbling on Clarke's ear. Clarke nodded, trying desperately to remember every sensation.

Lexa kissed the length of Clarke's jaw. "I had you naked in my bed."

Lexa sucked and nipped at the area on Clarke's neck just below her ear. "Your thighs were on either side of my face as you straddled my mouth."

Lexa's teeth trailed down her neck line. "And I would suck on your clit and force my tongue into you, lapping up everything I could."

Lexa ran her tongue from the base of Clarke's neck back up to her ear. "And you would grind your hips against my mouth. Hungry. Wanting more of me in you. Wanting more of me against you."

Lexa nibbled on Clarke's ear lobe. "And you were moaning my name over and over."

"Lexa," Clarke couldn't help the moan that escaped her lips as Lexa's dream filled her vision and made her body ache. She was on fire and every inch of her craved the girl beside her. There was no question, a wetness was polling between her legs. Her breathing was labored and erratic.

She moved her hand which was still being held by Lexa's and placed it on her own thigh, hoping Lexa would give her what she wanted. But the brunette pulled her hand back and she could feel Lexa smiling against her ear as she whispered "I think Raven is probably waiting for you."

Clarke had said it earlier and now she knew it to be true. The truce was over.

Lexa pulled away, sitting back with a large smile on her face. But Clarke could see it in her eyes, she hadn't been the only one affected. Lexa looked as if it had taken all of her will power just to pull away. Clarke knew that had she straddled the brunette now that Lexa would have no more restraint left, but she also knew the brunette was right. Raven was probably wondering where she was. She found herself cursing Raven's name beneath her breath which made Lexa chuckle.

Clarke glared at her before standing up. "Ice that for another 10 minutes." Her voice sounded raw. She pointed at Lexa's knee and walked towards the door.

"Think of me tonight!" Was all Lexa replied as Clarke let the door close behind her. She knew she needed to do a lot more than just think about the Commander and headed straight for the shower.

\----------

"Forty minutes in the shower seems like a long time, Griffin." Clarke felt her roommate eying her as she dried her hair with her towel, her left forearm a little more sore than she would ever admit. She ignored her, not really sure what to say. It was a long shower, necessary after what Lexa had done to her. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to moan or curse the Commander's name.

It hadn't taken her the full forty minutes though, she wasn't even sure it had taken her five. She had been so wound up that unwinding didn't take a whole lot of effort. Her remaining time in the shower she just allowed hot water to cascade down her body as she got lost in thought, lost in unassuredness.

Lexa's dream...she hadn't ever even thought of doing something like that in the bedroom until Lexa had drunkenly mentioned it two weeks ago. It was something when explained to her an hour ago, in detail, had actually sounded real, something she wanted. It was something that made her realize exactly how in over her head she really was.

How was she supposed to compete with all the other girls that Lexa had been with. She still didn't know how many but Lexa's face told her it had been a lot. Hell, how could she even keep up with Lexa at that point? She didn't know what she was doing. All she had to go off of was her sex life with Finn and he was as interested in foreplay as much as he was school. He only ever participated because he knew he had to. Or at least that's how it always felt when he tried to rush that bit out of the way. Unfortunately that bit was now important to know.

"Raven, I have a question, but I need it to not leave this room." Clarke knew she didn't have a lot of people to turn to for this type of question and she knew that she could trust her friend with keeping her secret.

"If you need advice about burying a body, Octavia is more your girl than me." She said it with a sly smile, trying to lighten the mood but it didn't ease Clarke's nerves. Raven was lying in her bed with her hands folded behind her head.

"Not even Octavia," Clarke insisted knowing that Raven and her friend usually told each other everything.

Raven seemed to mull it over for a moment. "Ok, just between us then."

Clarke took a seat on the bed and began picking at her pajama pants with her fingers, nervous. "What's it like having sex with another girl?" Her voice came out quiet.

Raven gave her a small smile. "I take it that you weren't having a quickie with the Commander back in her room then."

Clarke just groaned and face planted onto her bed, into her pillow. "I take it my feelings towards Lexa are obvious."

Raven chuckled. "If you are asking me if the whole team knows, they don't. But I suggest trying to look a little more subtle when you gawk at her. And maybe don't shove your boobs in the Commander's face in front of everyone. Lucky for you, everyone knows Lexa has a thing for them and her looking at yours isn't as telling."

Clarke could feel Raven looking at her with her head still stuffed into her pillow. Her words weren't very reassuring. And she wasn't answering the question. "Do you plan on sleeping with the Commander this week?"

Clarke sighed and sat back up, rubbing her neck with her hand. "We kissed," was all she said. It was enough to spring Raven into a sitting position, now directly across from her.

"Just now?" she asked, eyeing Clarke suspiciously.

She should have leaned in to kiss Lexa before she left her room but she was too flustered, too annoyed with the brunette. "No. Two weeks ago and then again yesterday."

"What kind of kiss?"

Clarke groaned and put her head in her hands. She didn't know why this was so hard to talk about, why she felt so embarrassed. Maybe it was just the way Raven's eyes lit up at the subject.

"I don't know, Ray. What kind of kissing is there?"

"Like a peck on the cheek? A peck on the lips? Tongue? Hands up your shirt? Hands down your pants? There's a vast spectrum of kissing, Clarke. Give a girl some details here!" Raven was leaning forward now, completely intrigued.

"Soft kisses. Tongues in mouths. Hands up t-shirts. I tried to put my hands down her pants but she pulled away at that." At that she knew her cheeks were probably growing to an even darker red.

Raven whistled, a look of being impressed on her face. "And I can't tell Octavia about this because she would love-"

"No!" Clarke cut her friend off with a glare. And Raven put her hands up in the air to surrender.

"Well, Casanova, it sounds like you are well on your way all on your own."

But Clarke shook her head. "Raven, I've only ever slept with one person before. And his idea of foreplay took about five minutes if I was lucky. Which is what I'm assuming sex with a woman is. It's like I have no experience at all. And Lexa has experience by the boatload. What if I'm not good at it? What if I can't satisfy her?"

There was a heavy pain in her chest as the questions raced through her mind, taking over all her thoughts. She couldn't escape them and she found herself drowning in them. And it seemed that Raven could see it on her face because she got up and sat beside Clarke, draping her arm around her friend. Clarke rested her head on Raven's shoulder.

"Slow down, Clarke, breathe." Clarke didn't realize she had been holding her breath until Raven had said something. She exhaled and inhaled deeply. "I'm going to start off by saying that you definitely want to probably do the opposite of whatever the hell it was that your ex did. I honestly don't know how you slept with that for two years."

Clarke let out a small laugh, thankful for her friend. "Okay, so don't follow Finn's lead. What else?"

Raven just shook her head. "There's no single cookie cutter way to have sex with someone, everyone is different." Clarke rolled her eyes and her roommate laughed. "I'm serious. The best advice I can give you is to just listen to your partner."

"You think Lexa is going to instruct me on what to do?" Clarke asked, hoping desperately that that wasn't what was in store for her.

It was Raven's turn to roll her eyes. "Stop being so literal. I mean listen to her body, dumbass. Just do what feels natural and when you do something she positively reacts to, do more of that."

"You aren't as helpful as I was hoping you would be," Clarke whined.

Raven groaned. "I don't know what you want me to say. Are you asking me to give you the talk about the birds and the bees? Do I need to tell you where your fingers go? I can draw you a diagram."

"You know that's not what I need to know!" Clarke could feel the heat in her face rising again.

"Ok, so do what makes you feel good. Think about things Finn did to you that felt good. Think about things you do to yourself that make you feel good."

"And if I want Lexa to feel better than I felt when with Finn?" Because she did. Sex with Finn had been descent, even if it had been short and over quicker than she would have wanted. And he had always seemed completely content with it. But she wanted Lexa to feel better than she had in bed. She wanted her to be left caving more. She wanted her to not have to fake her orgasms.

"You're overthinking this, Griffin." Raven complained. "Just tell Lexa that this is your first time and trust that she will take care of you. If she cares about you she will guide you through this. And if you're still nervous, have her take care of you first and try and try to remember what she does. Honestly, being a good lover is more about listening to your partner's body, reacting to their needs and just being present. It maybe be messy at first but it'll start coming naturally."

"So I'm overthinking it?"

"Yes," Raven said with an exasperated breath. But still she hugged her friend. They sat there for another moment "so I can't tell Octavia?"

"No," Clarke said before she pushed Raven off of her bed. They laughed then when a buzzing came from the nightstand. Clarke looked down at her phone.

**Lexa (10:45pm): Goodnight, Clarke.**

Clarke smiled and took a deep breath.

**Clarke (10:49pm): So, if I say you win, does that mean you and me tomorrow night...**

Clarke watched as the three dots appeared and then disappeared on her phone several times signaling that Lexa had been writing a response and then deleting it over and over. She waited anxiously, staring at her phone, willing the brunette to answer.

"Clarke, looking at that phone won't make her answer any quicker." Raven teased. But just then there was a knock at the door. Raven jumped up to get it but Clarke pushed her roommate back onto her bed and glared in her direction. Raven laughed as Clarke rushed to the door.

Lexa stood there in plaid pajama pants, a sports bra and a loose, white tank top. Her hair had been pulled from it's braid and looked a little wild. Before Clarke could say anything, Lexa leaned in to look behind her. It became clear that she was looking to see if Raven was there.

"She knows," was all that Clarke said.

Lexa gave her agitated look when Raven rounded the corner. "My lips are sealed, Commander. I won't say a word." And then she disappeared back to her bed and out of sight.

Lexa sighed, her shoulders sinking slightly but a look of relief was evident on her face. "Have dinner with me, tomorrow night."

Clarke chuckled, not really sure if it was a question, a request, or a demand. "I'm staying at your place, Lex. I was planning to have dinner with you."

But Lexa shook her head, grinning. "I feel like you make me work harder than I should have to."

Clarke let out a nervous laugh, not exactly sure what the brunette meant. Lexa rolled her eyes. "Clarke, will you go on a date with me tomorrow night?" Lexa flashed Clarke a brilliant smile, one that Clarke was sure could light up a room and she felt herself melting under it. And melting under how sweet and cute Lexa was, standing there asking her on a date. Then there was how sexy she was in her pajamas. But Clarke still remembered what the brunette had done to her an hour before.

"I don't know. Ton DC United has a playoff game tomorrow night and I was sort of planning on ignoring you all evening to watch it." But the smile on Lexa's face didn't falter. She didn't even look phased.

"So I find us a place to watch the game. That sounds like a much better night than the one I was planning in my head."

Clarke rolled her eyes. "Don't forget the 'me ignoring you' part."

Lexa look like she wanted to laugh. "That was the best part of your correction. So, what do you say? Go on a date with me?"

"I guess I can do that," Clarke said, trying to be smooth which just made Lexa smile wider, if that were even possible.

"Ok, well that's the only reason I came over here." She craned her neck inside as she loudly said "Later, Reyes."

"See you in the morning, Woods." Raven called out.

Then Lexa turned to Clarke. "Goodnight."

Clarke leaned in and planted a soft kiss on her lips. It was soft, warm and it sent a tingling sensation down her body. "Goodnight," she whispered and she watched Lexa walk back down the hallway backwards until she reached her room, not wanting to look away from the blonde. Clarke just rolled her eyes.

"You two are sickeningly gross. I mean I expected it from you, but I expected more badass-ery from the Commander." Clarke laughed and threw a pillow at her friend before flopping on her bed.

"So no advice?" Clarke asked, sounding a little more desperate than she had planned to.

Raven laughed. "Well there is this one thing that I think will drive the Commander crazy..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I can give you all nice things. At least I thought it was kind of cute. Definitely Commander Heart Eyes at her best. Hopefully the small amount of smut in this one wasn't too bad. If it was, you will basically need to skip the entire second half of the next chapter. 
> 
> Thanks again for all the comments, you guys are the best. And the last chapter got more comments than any other chapter so far and it was really fun responding back and forth with you guys. Some of you get excited to see a chapter has been posted. I get excited when I get a notification that someone has commented. 
> 
> Expect the next chapter to be on Monday, because what better way to make the worst day of the week better?


	20. A Dozen Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 19:  
> As Clarke tended to Lexa's knee, Lexa made it quite clear that the truce was over leading Clarke to a very long shower an into a talk with Raven about her being nervous about never being with a girl before.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I titled this chapter after my favorite lines in it, I love Lexa's thought process there, or really her inability to maintain one.
> 
> I also want to say I am not a big DC United fan. As an LA Galaxy fan they really do feel like our east coast rivals but that said, they live in TonDC so Galaxy gods forgive me!
> 
> As promised, this chapter is filled with smut. If smut is not your thing then skip the entire bottom half of this chapter. If it is your thing, hopefully I did a good enough job. Please let me know because I plan on having more smut in chapter 22 and if I can do better, I'd like to.
> 
> Someone had pointed out to me that they were waiting all weekend for Monday for this and it dawned on me that some of your Mondays start over half a day sooner than mine so I decided to post this sooner than planned. You may want to thank smaugthedesolator for that lightbulb moment when I woke up to her message this morning.
> 
> Enjoy!

"So are you going to tell me where we are going?" Clarke looked out the window of the back seat of the town car that Lexa had called to pick the two of them up. She felt extremely ridiculous sitting in this plush, luxurious car wearing jeans and a black and red TonDC jersey that she was proud to say fit rather snug against her chest. Lexa had tried to look at it discretely a few times but Clarke hadn't missed it. Lexa was also in a pair of jeans but she was wearing a Ton DC tank top which showed off her toned arms. They were sadly hidden beneath a black and red zip-up hoodie.

"You said you wanted to go somewhere that you could ignore me and watch your favorite team play, so I'm taking you to my favorite place to watch their games." Lexa flashed Clarke a knowing grin before looking down at their hands.

It had only taken a few moments of sitting in the back seat before Lexa had reached over and grabbed Clarke's hand in her own, placing them on Lexa's leg, just above the knee. At the moment, Lexa's fingers were moving about Clarke's palm, which was facing skyward. Clarke could feel strings of shivers running up her arm as if Lexa's fingers were playing her muscles like a guitar. She swore she could hear the seductive melody of it.

"There are plenty of sports bars near the university. Did we really need to take a forty minute drive into the city?"

Lexa just flashed her a bigger smile. "They're the best seats in the city," was all she said.

They talked for awhile, mostly small talk about the game the day before, about how classes were going. About their plans for the week ahead.

"I still can't believe that you have to go in to work this week," Clarke said with a pout.

"It's only from Monday until Wednesday," Lexa said with a small sigh. "I have to neglect my duties during the school year which means in my free time I'm expected to be back in the office."

"What time do you have to leave in the morning?" Clarke asked, wondering what was going to be happening with their ritual morning runs. She had grown very fond of them. Despite the fact that they caused her an hour or so less of sleep, the endorphins made her feel much more awake throughout the day. She also found she got a little crabby without them.

"I need to be out the door by seven." Lexa said.

"So no sleeping in for you then, Commander." Clarke laughed.

"Will I need to sleep in, Clarke? Are you planning on keeping me up all night?" Clarke felt a blush rise up her neck to her cheeks. Leave it to Lexa to twist her words. Clarke was about to reply when Lexa craned her neck to look out the window. "We're here."

Clarke had to admit that she hadn't been paying much attention to the scenery outside, not when it was so nice looking at her date. Her date. It made her heart flutter. She felt a little like a teenager again. Albeit a horny teenager, but still. Though really, is there any other kind?

"We are watching the game at the stadium?!" Clarke looked out to see a sea of people wearing red and black all around the car, headed into the circular stadium where her favorite team played.

Since the age of four, her father had taken her every year to see at least one home game of the season and days when he wasn't working and she wasn't playing, they would sit on the couch together and watch the games. Her father with a bottle beer and her with a bottle of soda. They would wear their jerseys and scream at the TV, jumping into the air when they would score.

She remembered how annoyed Finn would get when she would blow off a Saturday night party with him so that she could sit in front of the television with her father. Finn never loved the sport the way she did. She wasn't even sure that he knew all of the rules. She wondered now, whether or not Lexa would have minded had they been dating back then.

"What are you thinking? It looks like you're far away." Lexa's question pulled Clarke from her thoughts.

She answered honestly, forgetting the golden rule that one should never bring up their ex's name during the first date. "My father would have loved this. We used to watch a lot of games together sitting on our couch and once a month I would cancel date plans with Finn to watch with him. Finn used to get annoyed. I'm not sure you would have."

She turned to see Lexa with a small smile on her face, she only spent a moment thinking about her response. "I probably would have tried to get on your dad's good side so that he would have invited me to watch with you guys. I used to have to force Costia to watch the games with me." Clarke smiled. Apparently Lexa had no issue breaking the golden rule either.

"I still can't believe you got tickets to this game. I thought it was sold out!" Getting tickets during the regular season at the last minute wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible. Getting tickets to the first playoff game of the season was much closer to impossible.

"I told you," was all she said, "it's the best place to watch the game."

And not only was it the best place to watch the game, Lexa had gotten them possibly the best seats in the stadium. She had to admit that a part of her thought that Lexa would get them box seats, high above where most high level executives and business people sat in luxury, watching the game. She was wrong. Lexa had front row seats at midfield. The crowd around them was rowdy and boisterous, filled with so much excited energy that Clarke couldn't help but feel engulfed by it.

When the game started everyone was on their feet and not a person dared to sit back down. Fans were clapping, cheering, shouting at referees and Clarke found herself wound up in it all. She would steal sideways glances at Lexa who would laugh when Clarke yelled out demanding a card be given to the other team for a foul along with about twenty thousand other individuals.

Clarke could tell that Lexa was invested in the game but she was much more composed than Clarke was. But Clarke knew that since she had known the girl, she tended to be much more reserved than all of her other counter parts. But it was the way she would crane her neck, the way she would ball her fist, the way her leg would shake when the ball was on United's defensive end, that told her how invested she was. And Clarke found herself enjoying the calmness in which Lexa held herself, the way she knew Lexa was enjoying her own rambunctiousness.

When United scored their first goal, the crowd erupted. Clarke flung herself into Lexa's arms who pulled her close and into a deep, excited kiss that made Clarke weak in the knees. Tongues danced and teeth nipped and Clarke was only vaguely aware of hands of other patrons patting them on the back in excitement. When they pulled away Clarke felt breathless. Lexa's chest was rising and falling quickly but she turned to bump fists with the people around her and Clarke had to remind herself to do the same. Now she found herself praying for another goal for more reasons than just wanting her team to win.

But a second goal did not come, not that it was necessary. Their team had won one to nothing and at the final whistle, the pair embraced again. This time with a little less gusto. When Clarke pulled apart, slightly confused, Lexa nodded her head in the direction of a little girl, no more than seven, sitting with her father. Clarke smiled sheepishly and the father mouthed a "thank you" at them. Apparently Lexa had mouthed an apology in their direction after their antics after the first goal. Clarke couldn't believe she had been oblivious to it. But then again, maybe she could. It was hard to concentrate on anything more than Lexa when she looked at her that way with those piercing green eyes.

After the game, Lexa took Clarke to a Ton DC United sports bar where they continued celebrating with other fans. At some point during the celebration Lexa bought an entire round of drinks for the fans in the bar, which had to be at least seventy-five strong. This led to people wandering over to their table and talking with them.

Clarke watched as Lexa talked to a middle aged man with his young son who kept looking Lexa up and down, though the brunette didn't seem to notice. It was odd, but Lexa seemed completely in her element. Lexa wasn't nearly this social with her team, or with others at school. But with strangers who didn't know her, from people without any expectations of her, she was just another lively face in the crowd. Just another girl looking to have a good time.

Maybe it was Lexa looking so comfortable. Maybe it was the several rounds of beer Clarke had drank. Maybe it was the high from her team winning. Or maybe it was the guy now asking her date for her phone number. But Clarke got up and sauntered over to the back of Lexa's chair before she draped her arms over the front of her chair and down her front, planting a kiss to Lexa's neck, not taking her eyes off the boy in front of them. He watched them, eyes growing dark before he cleared his throat and turned to leave.

The older gentleman laughed. "Well that's one way to tell my son that she's not available. You two have a good evening and thanks again for the drinks." Clarke could feel as Lexa nodded to the older man before he walked away while her lips refused to let go of Lexa's throat.

"Clarke," her voice sounded throaty.

"Hmm?" Clarke grumbled, now allowing her teeth to graze at Lexa's pulse point.

"I'm not sure that this is the place for that." She was trying to sound chiding, forceful, but it came out thick with desire.

Clarke kissed her way up to Lexa's ear. "Then let's go back to your place."

Lexa nodded and got up, pulling out a credit card from her back pocket to pay for the large tab Clarke knew she had racked up.

As soon as the doors closed them in into the town car, which had a partition that separated them from the driver, there was really nothing Lexa could have done to keep Clarke off of her. It was like Clarke had no control over her actions. It was more likely that she didn't have any interest in listening to the reasons as to why not.

It had been this accumulation of events that made Clarke decide that she wanted Lexa more than anything else and that she wanted her now. It was the way Lexa had almost kissed her at her dorm room. It was the way she had kissed her in the forest. It was the way she asked permission to kiss her in the locker room. It was the way she had tried to comfort Raven at the game yesterday. It was the way she treated her nephew as if he was the most precious thing in the world. It was the way she had held back Clarke's hair when she was hugging the toilet at the party. It was the way Lexa held her that next morning after she apologized. And it was definitely the way the brunette explained her dream to her last night that made Clarke realize that she didn't want to wait. She was ready for this. She wanted to give herself to Lexa, relationship definitions be damned.

Ten minutes into the drive back and their kissing had began getting heated and Clarke felt this desire to get as close to Lexa as she could get. Lexa let out a low groan in surprise when Clarke swung out her left leg so that she could straddle the brunette's thighs. Clarke's hands went to Lexa's hair scratching at her scalp which pulled put more moaning from the Commander.

Lexa's hands were tightly gripping Clarke's hips as if Lexa was willing her fingers not to move. But Clarke wanted her to move them. She wanted them to explore her body and make her feel wanted. So she ground her hips down, against Lexa's legs who gasped. And unable to control herself, her hands went to Clarke's ass and squeezed, pushing her forward to grind again against her body. And Clarke groaned, feeling the heat pool between her thighs.

"Stop, Clarke, please."

Clarke froze mid thrust, unsure of whether or not she heard what she thought he had. She pulled away to look at the girl. Her lips were swollen and covered in Clarke's pink lip gloss. There was a tinge of red in her cheeks and her eyes were the darkest green Clarke had ever seen them. But they also held a look of pleading in them.

Clarke could feel something hard sink into the pit of her stomach. She hoped the look of dejection didn't reach her face as she went to get off the brunette. But Lexa held her right where she was, hands now on her waist, shaking her head.

"Lexa, I don't understand." And she didn't. If Lexa didn't really want this, why wasn't she letting go.

Lexa let out a shaky breath. "I don't want our first time to be in the back of some car." The look in Lexa's eyes told Clarke _"you deserve better than that."_

Clarke let out a small nervous laugh. "You mean you've never had sex in the back seat of a car with some random girl?" The moment she said it she wanted to take it back. She couldn't help it, she was nervous and the rejection was beginning to make her self-conscious.

A look of anger quickly passed Lexa's features before disappearing behind something else. Something that resembled shame. "You're not just some girl to me, Clarke." And Lexa released her hands from Clarke's body, allowing the girl to slide off of her. But Clarke didn't move.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate that you were just trying to sleep with me." Clarke placed a small kiss on Lexa's mouth who slowly kissed her back, though it seemed forced. "Lex, please. I'm sorry."

Lexa nodded and took a deep breath. "I want this to be more," her voice came out small. "If all this is to you is just a one night stand, or just some fun to be had, I don't think I can do this."

Clarke opened her mouth to respond but Lexa placed her finger over her mouth, not letting her speak. "I'm not asking you to be in a relationship with me. God knows I'm not ready for that yet. But I want to be ready for it. And I know it's not fair to ask you to wait for me to be ready, so I won't. But if you don't think you can wait then you need to tell me now because I don't want to sleep with people who I don't plan on being with anymore. And honestly, even if I wanted to have unattached sex, I don't think I could with you. It wouldn't be meaningless to me."

Clarke could feel the girl beneath her shaking. There was still pleading in her green eyes but it was now accompanied with fear. A fear of being rejected, she assumed. And Clarke could feel her own heart tightening and a smile growing on her face. That speech was so much more than Clarke would have ever dared ask for. Lexa wanted to be with her emotionally as much as physically. And while she may have to wait on the former, at least she knew she wasn't waiting for something Lexa wasn't willing to give. And for that, she would definitely wait.

"I want more than just your body, Lex. I want every part of you that you can give. And if I have to wait for some of that, I'll wait. I want to wait."

The smile on Lexa's face was large and bright and filled with this contagious happiness that overtook Clarke as she leaned down to kiss the girl again. And Lexa did not hesitate. She was firm and decisive. They sat there kissing, hands exploring for at least ten minutes before Clarke pulled away in desperate need of air. The streets outside were beginning to look familiar and she knew they would be back at the apartment soon.

"For the record, though," Clarke started, "does this mean I have to wait for sex because you've spent the last two weeks putting these thoughts in my head..."

Lexa laughed, a full, hearty laugh and it made Clarke feel a little breathless. "Are you saying that I win, Griffin?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. "Yes, Commander, you win. So I'm pretty much expecting you to give me the night of my life tonight."

A look of worry passed over the girl's features but was quickly replaced by the confidence Clarke was used to seeing. As the car came to a stop Lexa gave her a quick kiss and said "I plan on it."

\----------

There were a dozen reasons why they shouldn't be doing this, why they should wait. But as Lexa leaned against the wall of the elevator, staring deeply into the eyes of the blonde who was leaning against the other wall, she started to forget them.

There were six reasons why they shouldn't be doing this, why they should wait. But as Lexa fumbled to get her keys into her front door Clarke had wrapped her arms around the front of her waist and was kissing her neck, softly.

There was one reason why they shouldn't be doing this, why they should wait. But as they both entered her apartment and Clarke pulled her down for a sweet, sensual kiss.

Lexa couldn't remember what that reason had been.

There were half a dozen reasons why they should be doing this, why they didn't need to wait. Lexa wanted this, her body wanted this and she gave into her senses, allowing them to take her body over.

She was kissing Clarke hungrily, as if she had been starved of breath and Clarke was the only source of air in the room. It was sloppy and wet, teeth at times clashing against one another. And Lexa felt herself losing herself in the kiss in a way she never had before. Not with anyone. And she was only vaguely aware of the fact that she had been walking Clarke back to her room, guiding the girl as the blonde walked backwards until she backed into a hallway table.

There were a dozen reasons why they should be doing this, why they didn't need to wait. And Lexa couldn't wait. She lifted the blonde up so that she sat on the table and pushed her body forward so that she stood between her legs. As the blonde gasped, Lexa let go of her lips and began kissing a trail down Clarke's neck. She stopped at her pulse point and began sucking and biting at it hungrily. She never left marks, it hadn't been her thing. But she found herself craving it now. She wanted Clarke to be hers and she wanted to visually see it. It was uncouth and primitive but she didn't care.

Her hands found their way under Clarke's shirt, gripping at her warm bare back as Clarke inhaled sharply from cold fingers on her skin. But the blonde didn't pull away, she pushed further into Lexa and let out another moan which radiated in Lexa's thighs. Clarke's hands were running up her back, pulling frustratingly at her jacket until Lexa felt two hands push on her shoulders, detaching her mouth from Clarke's neck with an audible pop.

Lexa felt dizzy, confused. But it only took a second to figure out what was happening as Clarke's nimble fingers unzipped her jacket, then reached below it at the shoulders to pull the jacket off of Lexa as her hands slid down the length of Lexa's arms. The garment fell to the floor and Lexa stepped back into Clarke, kissing her again.

Again, two hands pushed back on her shoulders and Lexa couldn't help the growl that came out of her throat. Clarke laughed, but it didn't reach her eyes. If it had, it was overshadowed by the lust that overtook their emotion.

"Take off your shirt,". Clarke demanded with a brisk voice and Lexa couldn't help but oblige. With Clarke looking at her like that, she doubted there was anything she wouldn't give the girl if she'd asked.

She could feel the blonde looking up and down her body, reaching out to run her fingers against Lexa's stomach. And Lexa could feel her muscles tightening beneath her cool fingertips. She closed her eyes and lulled her head back trying to memorize the sensation.

"Now yours," Lexa demanded. She watched hungrily as Clarke gripped at the hem of her jersey and slowly pulled it over her head, revealing a black lace bra beneath containing bulging, perfect breasts that Lexa had been thinking about for weeks. For seventy-eight days, if you wanted to be exact, but who was counting?

And they were attached again. Their lips moving against each others', their hands running up and down bare backs. And Lexa thrust her hips into Clarke and the blonde whimpered into her mouth. And so she thrust them forward again and got a higher pitched response. And the sound vibrated through Lexa, feeding her with a ravaged energy. She thrust again and Clarke wrapped her legs around Lexa's waist, squeezing as she pulled her lips away to rest her head against Lexa's shoulder.

Lexa grabbed at Clarke's thighs and hoisted the girl off of the table. She could feel an audible gasp against her collar bone as she began walking the girl to her room, kicking open the door and then carefully placing the girl onto her bed. She hadn't even noticed that Clarke had undone the strap of the brunette's bra, until it fell away with the girl.

She leaned down over the blonde, but Clarke was fast and used her momentum to roll them over. And Lexa had no idea how it happened but one second she was hovering over the blonde and the next her back was pressed into the sheets with the blonde straddling over her.

Lexa wasn't one to be topped and she would have tried to flip the other girl back over immediately but Clarke was undoing her lace bra and sliding it down her arms and Lexa froze, not wanting to miss a single moment of what was happening. And when they were free, on instinct, Lexa's hands reached out to greet them, kneading at the flesh, rolling the nipples softly with her thumb and index finger. This was so much better than how she imagined it. Did they get more amazing than this? It didn't seem possible.

Clarke moaned again, louder than she had in the hallway and she arched her back, sending her hips into Lexa's and Lexa could feel the groan escaping her lips from deep in her throat. She was getting dizzy again, a light behind her eyes. She had to remind herself to breathe.

Clarke leaned down and Lexa reached up to pull her down into a kiss that seemed to devour them whole. Clarke was fumbling with the button of Lexa's pants and Lexa felt herself get eager as she sent her hands down to help, quickly undoing the button and zipper as she pulled her pants off, kicking them off her legs and onto the floor.

And Clarke's hands trailed over Lexa's chest, down her stomach. A buzzing anticipation filled Lexa as her body seemed to shake beneath Clarke's touch. She wanted this, she needed this. But when Clarke's fingers slid just under the waist band of her black boy short underwear, the girl above her froze.

It took Lexa a moment to realize that Clarke wasn't moving, and that the hand at her waist was shaking. Lexa's eyes shot open to look at Clarke who seemed unsure. The look of desire and lust was overtaken by an uncertainty, they too were shaking.

"Clarke?"

"Lexa, I, I never..." Clarke swallowed. "I've never...what if I'm not good at this?"

That was when the realization hit Lexa, when she remembered that last reason why they shouldn't just rush into this. While Clarke wasn't a virgin, she hadn't ever been with a girl before. She was nervous and unsure.

"Hey, it's okay, Clarke. We don't need to do this." Lex hoped her eyes weren't holding any proof against that statement.

But the blonde shook her head. "No, I want to do this!"

Lexa nodded, lifting herself up to softly kiss the blonde, to reassure her, to calm her. And it worked, as Clarke pressed down onto her.

"How about you let me take care of you first? We can ease into this. We won't rush." Clarke pulled back and Lexa could see her blue eyes fill with relief as she nodded, removing her hand away from the waistband.

Lexa was gentler then, as she rolled them over, placing the blonde on her back. She kissed her lips for a few moments, waiting for the blonde to work herself back up again, to get comfortable. And when she was, when she was nipping back, Lexa began trailing kisses down her body. She took a nipple into her mouth and kneaded the other boob with her hand. She could feel Clarke squirm beneath her, a low groan shuddering her body with an arched back.

With her free hand she undid the button on Clarke's jeans, slowly unzipping them and a gasp escaped Clarke's mouth. Lexa looked back up at her. "Is this okay?" When the blonde nodded, Lexa gripped her fingers beneath the waistband of her jeans and underwear and pulled both away from her in a fluid motion, discarding them on the floor.

She took a moment then to let her eyes wash over the naked girl in front of her. She had to be the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The swell of her breasts, the curve of her hips, the very small patch of groomed hair between her legs. She wanted to commit this vision to her memory, she never wanted to forget it. There was a goddess naked in her bed and Lexa had never felt more that she, herself, was just a mere mortal. Thinking she could deserve the woman was hubris.

Lexa leaned down and placed kisses on Clarke's chest, pushing her own body softly against the girl below her. And as she slid down her body, planting kisses, she could feel a warm wetness leave a trail up her body. She kissed down her stomach, using her hands to pull apart Clarke's thighs. When she kissed her thighs she could feel the blonde shuddering again. Lexa nibbled at the soft skin and she could feel her own groin pulsing with desire.

Lexa placed a soft kiss to Clarke's center and she let out a whimper. "Can I?" Lexa asked softly. When Clarke nodded Lexa let out a deep breath before running her tongue through the folds. Clarke moaned and Lexa could feel it in her bones. The taste was warm and sweet with a hint of something metallic pricking at the tip of her tongue. She enjoyed the taste of her so much.

She began working with more determination, sliding her tongue in with more force, encircling her opening, pressing down against her clit and she smiled when Clarke bucked her hips in response, dislodging her. Lexa hooked her arm around Clarke's hips to hold her steady, she could hear the girl panting above her. She went back to work and it wasn't long before she could feel Clarke's hands in her hair, gripping into fists, pulling. The pain was dull compared to the electric sensation she felt running down her body.

Lexa began sucking, pulling what she could into her mouth and Clarke started moaning. "Lexa! Oh, God, Lex! Please don't stop!" And her thighs were squeezing against Lexa's head, muffling out the sound around her. But not enough that she couldn't hear everything the girl said. And she stuck her tongue inside her, pushing as far as she could go, in and out several times before pushing back against her sensitive area. It didn't take long before there is a long string of cursing mixed with her name and calls to a higher entity and Clarke came into Lexa's mouth. The exhilaration of it all filling Lexa with this profound sense of pleasure and self-satisfaction.

She waited for the girl to stop shuddering, for her thighs to release their grip before Lexa began kissing her way back up Clarke's body, keeping her hands moving high against the blonde's thigh. She smiled at Clarke, loving the look of pure release on her face and was startled when the blonde pulled Lexa down into a searing kiss.

The knowledge that Clarke was tasting herself against Lexa's lips nearly sent Lexa over the edge, groaning into Clarke's mouth as she began playing with the small patch of hair between Clarke's thighs, slowly running her middle finger in between the folds.

"Is this too much?" Lexa whispered, not wanting to put too much strain on the sensitive area. When Clarke said nothing, shutting her eyes tight Lexa followed. "I can stop." She went to pull her hand away but Clarke's hand reached out and grabbed her tightly around the wrist.

"Don't you dare," Clarke hissed in a raspy tone causing Lexa to smile, leaning down to kiss the blonde once more.

She ran her fingers against Clarke, waiting for her to get as wet as she had been before. When she was satisfied she asked again for permission and the blonde bucked her hips into her hand in response. Lexa bit at Clarke's lip at the same time she slowly place her middle finger up to the second knuckle inside of her.

Clarke inhaled sharply, gritting her teeth and pulling away from Lexa so that she could push the side of her face into the pillow. Lexa pulled out and then back in, each time getting a little more of her finger inside of her.

"Lex!" The sound of her name made her shiver and she wanted desperately to hear it again. She added a second finger and could feel Clarke tightening around her, it was driving her to the edge.

"Yes, Lexa, yes!" And Lexa went faster. And then her fingers were trying desperately to keep up with Clarke's moaning and yelling. She could feel her forearm beginning to stiffen, but she didn't quite care. She curled her fingers upward and it just made the girl louder.

Clarke's hips were straining upwards, trying to get more of Lexa into her, trying frantically to get more friction. So Lexa used her thumb to oblige, rubbing against her clit until Clarke fell over the edge, gripping at the sheets with tight fists, tendons in her neck straining. It had taken quite a bit longer than when her head had been between the blonde's thighs, but Lexa would have obliged to however long it took.

When it's over both girls were laying on their backs panting, chests rising and falling quickly. Lexa could feel sweat between her shoulder blades. She could taste the saltiness on Clarke's neck.

"That was," Clarke was gasping for breath between words, "the best sex I've ever had."

Lexa laughed, a feeling of ecstasy washing over her. She wasn't sure if Clarke was telling the truth or just trying to stroke her ego. At the moment she didn't care. "Really?" she gasped back. "I think I was a little rusty."

Lexa laughed again when Clarke threw a pillow, hitting her on her forehead. The blonde's angelic laugh now mixed with Lexa's. "Not giving me your best, Woods?"

"I can't use all my best moves the first time! I need to set the bar at an attainable level." This had Clarke rolling her eyes, though the large smile never left her face.

"I'll expect better next time."

"All this pressure is going to give me performance anxiety." Lexa was laughing again as she pulled the blonde into her arms, Clarke's head resting in the crook of her neck.

"Seriously, though, that was amazing, Lex. I'm not sure how I can follow that up."

Lexa kissed the top of her head. "If you're worried we can just practice, a lot. Should I give you a training regimen? How's three-a-days sound?"

"If that's what it takes, Commander." But Clarke was laughing again which was followed by a yawn which made Lexa smile wider. Tiring the blonde out made her feel as if she had done a good job.

"We can start tomorrow." Lexa joked, ignoring the pressure still between her legs. The blonde began to protest but Lexa stayed firm. "Go to sleep, Clarke. We have all week."

And with that they fell asleep with Clarke in Lexa's arms as the Commander laid there wondering how the hell she had done enough good in her life to deserve this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [clears throat] I think I'll just leave this here for you to do with it however you'd like...


	21. Fighting Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 20:  
> Clarke and Lexa went on their first date and after a heated car ride and confessions about their feelings and intentions, a night of magic!
> 
> \---
> 
> So I thought I would take a small step back from the smut in this chapter, though I will definitely revisit it in the next chapter because Lexa definitely deserves it. I'm planning on spending at least another four chapters after this one on their fall break together before starting to speed things up time wise with the story. 
> 
> This chapter is going to be mostly from Lexa's POV and I don't think I've done that with any of the other chapters so I hope y'all still like it.
> 
> Enjoy!

Lexa sat at the edge of the bed, watching the blonde beside her sleep. Her golden hair was fanned out on her pillow, her legs were tangled around the sheets. She looked peaceful and content and Lexa couldn't find it in herself to wake the girl.

Lexa smiled at herself when she spotted the large, dark mark she had managed to leave on the girl's neck the night before. She knew that she shouldn't be so pleased with herself, that Clarke would likely kill her for it later, but she didn't care. Even if for just one night, Clarke had belonged to her and that was her proof.

She had woken up with the girl on her side, her back pressed against Lexa's chest as they had turned to spooning sometime in the middle of the night. Lexa had considered not getting up and staying in bed, breathing Clarke in, enjoying the feeling of her being there the morning after their amazing night.

Was this what it felt like waking up in bed with someone you cared about? She hadn't the slightest idea. Last night might have been Clarke's first time with a woman, but this was Lexa's first time waking up to someone in her arms. She hadn't even experienced that with Costia. The pair had been young and her parents never allowed sleep overs, at least not after she came out. And every other girl Lexa slept with she found a way to escape, or to send them home.

Now as she was sitting there, trying to tell herself that it wasn't at all creepy that she was watching Clarke sleep, she was glad she hadn't tried to send her away. If she was being honest with herself, she never wanted to wake up without the blonde beside her again. And with that realization she froze.

The feelings she had felt were intense. They were so full of happiness, excitement and held a sense of belonging. And it scared her deeply. She hadn't allowed herself to get this emotionally attached since the accident, since she found out what loving people could make you feel - how it could tear your entire world apart. She was falling too fast, too deep. She needed to take a step back. She couldn't stay in bed. A voice in her head screamed, telling her to get as far away from here as possible.

So she got up and quietly got her things together: her pants, her dress shirt, her tie, her jacket. She took a quick shower with the intention of escaping before the blonde awoke and began getting ready, careful to make as little noise as possible. Her mind was torn between feeling the joy of the night before and feeling the fear that six years of pain had brought her.

By the time she had been putting together her tie she decided that it was time she talked to her sister.

**Lexa (6:10am): Are you coming into the office today?**

She shoved the phone back in her pocket and went back into her room. She went to the bowl that was on her dresser and dug around for the silver object. Holding it in her fingers it felt heavy, though she knew it only weighed a few ounces. She shoved it into her pocket and sighed, she could almost feel it buzzing against her leg. She was thankful for the layer of fabric between them for she feared that the metal would burn her raw.

She stole another glance at the girl laying in her bed and immediately began to regret her decision to flee. Maybe if she woke Clarke then the blonde could kiss away her fears and make her forget the pain of it all. So she went to take a step forward to wake her but her legs wouldn't move.

She decided to walk out to the kitchen to grab a coffee and an apple, making a noise in hopes of the blonde waking up on her own accord before she left. But even after she had finished, there hadn't been a sound. So she stood there pondering whether or not she should leave the object in her pocket on the table with a note and just head to work. Five minutes passed before that option felt like the shittiest one she could make.

"Clarke?" She said the name quietly, as she sat on the blonde's side of the bed just loud enough to stir her out of her slumber.

"Five more minutes, Mom." The girl mumbled which made Lexa laugh, a sound that seemed to pull Clarke out of her sleep induced fog. "Lex, hey!" Her smile was bright and Lexa could feel herself melting under it. The smile faltered a little when Clarke noticed what the girl had been wearing. "You're leaving already?"

"Yeah," Lexa began rubbing her neck with her hand. "I have to leave for work in five minutes. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye." She gave the blonde, a small apologetic grin, deciding not to share the fact that a good part of her disagreed with that last statement.

Clarke huffed, sitting up and looking around the room.

"Need something?" Lexa asked. The blanket had fallen from her body and Lexa found herself starring at the blonde's naked chest. She had to swallow the knot in her throat and look away before the pressure in her groin got any worse. She silently scolded herself. If she hadn't been in such a rush to escape then she would have taken care of that in the shower this morning.

"Give me one of your shirts," the blonde replied, pulling on her underwear while Lexa went to go fetch something. She handed the blonde a green button up shirt, confused as Clarke said "That'll do; give me two minutes." Before closing herself in the bathroom.

Lexa shook her head. Was this something that always happened when people stayed the night? It seemed a bit odd but she decided to busy herself by lighting one of the pine candles in her room. She was positive the room had the scent of last night's activities.

Lexa could hear running water turn on and then off before Clarke emerged again. Lexa tried not to gape as she starred at the girl in front of her, wearing her button up shirt that went to her high thigh, completely unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up. Under it she had nothing else but black lace underwear, the valley between her chest exposed - keeping the brunette from being able to avert her eyes. Lexa didn't know which was more sexy, Clarke in such little clothing, or Clarke wearing her shirt after a night of sex. She definitely should have spent time taking care of herself in the shower this morning.

The blonde sauntered over to her and wrapped her arms around her neck, pulling her into a kiss. Lexa could taste her mint toothpaste on her lips, proof that Clarke had brushed her teeth just to kiss her. "Good morning," Clarke said when she pulled away.

Okay, this was something Lexa could definitely get used to every morning. "Good morning, Clarke."

The blonde kissed her again. "Are you sure you can't stay a little longer?" Clarke teased. "I feel bad that you're leaving and I still haven't taken care of you." She gave a small pout and pulled at Lexa's tie.

"It's fine," Lexa said a minute later, pulling away from the girl who was beginning to play with her belt. She had absolutely no chance of being at all focused today. Maybe she could find some alone time in her office to...

"That's not what your eyes say, Lex. Your pupils are pretty blown out."

Lexa cleared her throat "I have something for you," she said, trying to change the subject.

"After last night I'm pretty sure you've given me more than enough."

Lexa just laughed and reached into her pocket. She swore she could feel the teeth of the metal object biting at her fingertips before she pulled it out and placed it in the blonde's hand. Clarke looked at it quizzically. "It's to the apartment."

"A key to your apartment?" Then Clarke gave her a devilish grin. "I'd heard rumors that lesbians like to move fast, but after just one date? I don't know what to say, Commander."

Lexa snorted, shaking her head. "That's not-"

"Yeah, I know, relax. It'll be nice tone able to go in and out of the apartment while you're gone. Any idea when you'll be home?"

"I'll be back by five. Want to do dinner tonight?" Lexa found herself smiling, she couldn't help it.

Clarke pretended to mull it over. "Sure, I'll see you then."

They shared another kiss goodbye and Lexa found it easy, normal, almost like she had been kissing Clarke every morning before she left the apartment her whole life. Again, it scared her. It also didn't satiate the demons in her head either, the way she hoped it would.

Her phone buzzed when she was in the elevator.

**Anya (7:05am): No, but are you free for lunch? I can meet you in the city**

**Lexa (7:06am): Any way you can get someone to watch Aden? I really need some adult advise**

**Anya (7:07am): I don't think I can get a sitter on such short notice**

**Lexa (7:08am): It's girl advise**

**Anya (7:08am): As in girlfriend advise?**

**Lexa (7:09am): Yes**

**Anya (7:15am): I found a sitter. I'll pick you up at noon!**

Lexa sighed. She could almost hear her sister's excitement through her last text message.

\----------

Clarke laid in bed, starring up at the ceiling with an immovable smile from her face as her fingers played with the buttons on the shirt Lexa had given her. Sure, she was sad that Lexa had left so early, that the space beside her was no longer warm, but is all hailed in comparison to the buzz she still felt from her activities the night before.

Her body was humming though she couldn't deny that some of her muscles ached, but that just proved to put a bigger smile on her face. Lexa had worn her out to the point of sore muscles and the thought of that alone was thrilling.

She had never felt anything so powerful than what she had felt last night. Not with herself alone in bed. Definitely not with Finn. She had thought that she'd had orgasms before but after last night she knew that she hadn't.

There was really no way to explain the way her body got rigid, how her mind turned into a daze of ecstasy, how she could see stars in the back of her eyes. And then when she had come down from that high it was as if she were seeing color for the first time. The green in Lexa's eyes, while dark from blown pupils, were the brightest shade of green she had ever seen. The red sofa in the corner was so bright that it almost appeared lively. Every sense she had was heightened. Every touch, every taste, every smell, sound and sight was so much more. That was the only way she knew how to describe it. She had been incomplete and now she felt whole.

She couldn't understand how people did it. How it was that people could have sex like that and then just go back to their lives, going to class, doing their jobs, when this was so much better. That's why she laid there for close to two hours, just reveling in everything from the night before. She tried to remember how it felt when her toes curled, when her breath got stuck in her throat, when Lexa was eating at her center. It was hard to think of anything else. Or it had been until the guilt hit her hard enough to break her from her ebullience.

It was the guilt of knowing that while Lexa had taken care of her in every way she could think of last night, she hadn't repaid the favor. After Lexa had been done with her, Clarke's entire body had been spent, begging to fall into deep, much needed sleep. And Lexa had encouraged it which is why she didn't try to fight it. And even though Lexa didn't complain about any frustration, didn't claim to be put out, Clarke could see the tension in her.

Lexa's body had flinched when she had put her arms around her neck this morning. Lexa had let out a small moan with their kiss. Her pupils were large when the two of them had pulled apart. All were signals that she was still tightly wound, that she hadn't experienced any relief. And it hardly seemed fair, especially after all that she had given. Clarke decided then to do something special for the brunette tonight.

\----------

**Clarke (11:15am): I'm not sure this hickey you gave me will disappear before practice next week. What am I supposed to tell everyone?!**

Lexa looked down at her phone, already having tuned out of her business meeting. She knew she should be paying attention but nothing they said seemed to resonate. She also knew that her smiling down at her crotch wasn't very discrete so she quickly wiped the smile from her face.

**Lexa (11:17am): What excuses did you use before? If I were your ex with all those teenage hormones I would have left the same marks.**

If Lexa was being honest, she wasn't sure she would be able to refrain from leaving a few more this week.

**Clarke (11:18am): You think I can sell this thing to Octavia as a curling iron accident?**

Lexa laughed and Gustus elbowed her lightly, pulling her attention away from the phone. She gave him an apologetic smile. She really should be paying attention.

**Lexa (11:25am): I suppose not. Just say you had some mind blowing sex with this really hot girl and that she couldn't help herself.**

"Well that's all I have on the subject. Lexa, any thoughts before we end this meeting?"

Lexa's head popped up and she could feel heat rising to her face. She had no idea what he had said a minute before that, or really even ten minutes before that when he started his speech. "No, I think it's been a long morning and everyone here would appreciate a break for lunch." A few members nodded in agreement. "We'll convene again at 1:30."

Everyone began shuffling out of the room as Lexa felt her phone vibrate in her pants pocket.

"Well that was a smooth save. Is it the girl from the fundraiser?" Gustus gave Lexa a knowing smile as Lexa attempted to hide her blush.

"I'm sorry, I was being unprofessional. I will leave my phone in my office this afternoon." Being distracted was unbecoming and she needed to do better. But Gustus just laughed.

"When Titus met your mother it was hard to wrangle him into a meeting let alone have him pay attention. Though texting wasn't prevalent fifteen years ago which was a good thing because I'm pretty sure he would have just sat in meetings and texted with her the entire time."

Lexa gave the man a bright smile as he patted her on the shoulder. "It happens to the best of us, Lexa. It's how we know we've met someone special."

Her phone buzzed again.

"I appreciate hearing that. It's been a long while since I've heard a good story about my parents. We will need to grab drinks after work one of these nights."

"How about Wednesday? You can bring the cute blonde."

Lexa laughed and nodded in agreement. Apparently she didn't need to confirm the sender of the texts, Gustus already knew. Which was odd because back when he had met Clarke, Lexa hadn't been so sure that the blonde was what she wanted.

Lexa plopped herself into her office chair and reached for her phone, the happiness inside of her bubbling.

**Clarke (11:27am): More like earth shattering**

**Clarke (11:31am): You left my body sore you know. Moving around the house hasn't been easy.**

Lexa smiled at herself, clearly pleased. If she wasn't going to be getting any release herself, knowing that she did a good job the night before was consolation enough. Though thinking about Clarke being sore did put a swell of heat into her stomach as she remembered all the reasons why the blonde would feel that way.

**Lexa (11:45am): Well if you need me to rub you down when I get home just let me know. I've been told I'm pretty good with my hands.**

"If the girl you want to talk to me about is the one making you smile like that, my advice is to keep her and never let her go." Lexa slowly lifted her head up to see Anya leaning against the door frame of her office, her arms crossed in front of her chest and a large smile on her face. There's something about the thrill on her face that made Lexa nervous. Maybe calling her sister had been a bad idea.

They walked down to lunch at a high end restaurant across the street from her building, _The Drop Ship_. It was known to serve highly eccentric food that appeared almost other worldly but Lexa had a fondness for their kale salad with this lemon fig dressing. Clarke wasn't the type of girl who ate salads for dinner and she doubted wherever she went tonight there wouldn't be many healthy options, she would likely be getting something greasy.

"So how is Roan liking his new position at the department?" Lexa handed her menu to the waitress who gave her a shy smile that suggested that she had been interested in taking more than just her order. Lexa just gave her a warm smile back, not really interested. Three months ago she wouldn't have hesitated to try and take her into one of the large bathroom stalls.

"No, we aren't talking about my husband right now." Anya gave her a pointed look and Lexa shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Is Aden excited to be off of school this week?"

"We aren't talking about anything else except for this mystery girl that you texted me about this morning." Anya had tried to look firm but she couldn't stop the smile from spreading on her face and Lexa couldn't help the one on hers either.

"I don't really know where to start," she confessed, rubbing the back of her neck with her hand.

"Well, let's start with where did you two meet."

"You remember the new girl that joined the team this year?"

"The blonde who lost her dad that you were being a complete asshole to?" Anya questioned with a perked eyebrow. When Lexa didn't answer, instead choosing to play with her water glass Anya laughed in delight. "I told you to make it right, Lex. I didn't tell you to sleep with the poor girl!"

Lexa grumbled, "It's not like that, Anya. It's not about that." And it wasn't, it hadn't been anyway. Though now that it was on the table, it was very hard for her not to think about.

"Are you saying that you haven't slept together?"

"It may have happened for the first time last night." Lexa ran her hand through her hair trying to avoid her sister's gaze but even without looking she could feel Anya's glee radiating off of her body.

"And did she stay the night?"

"She's staying at the apartment for the week while her dorm room is under construction." Lexa answered matter of fact-ly.

Anya groaned. "I meant did she stay the night in your bed. Or did you kick her out like every other girl you happen to run into." Lexa knew that Anya had never been a fan of her policy of open sex with the women in her life. Anya had never had crazy college years where she would get drunk and wake up to someone in her bed. She also didn't look for random hookups either. She met Roan in her sophomore year in college and that was it, the girl was done. Lexa had to admit that she admired the happiness that Anya claimed her life had become. She just never thought it to be a possible option for her.

"Yes, she stayed in my bed."

"So then this is obviously a step forward for you. Do you like her?" Anya put her chin in her hands and leaned forward.

"It's not polite to have your elbows on the table," Lexa responded flatly.

Anya just rolled her eyes and ignored her younger sister. "Do you like her?" She annunciated each word slowly.

Lexa didn't know how to answer that. She liked reading a good book by the fire in winter. What she felt for Clarke had been so much more than that. Chalking up her feelings to 'like' almost felt like an insult to what it was that she was feeling. Another four lettered L word floated in her head and she immediately shut the idea of that down. There was absolutely no way in Hell she was at all ready to use the word 'love' to describe her feelings. That wasn't a word she was comfortable using and she was sure she would not be using it anywhere in the near future.

"I have strong feelings for her," was all she could say that satisfied her.

Anya nearly squealed in delight and Lexa rolled her eyes. "What kind of strong feelings?"

Lexa groaned. "I don't know, sis. Strong ones?"

Anya just laughed. "Yes, dweeb, you already said that. Explain to me what you feel when you see her!"

It was clear that her older sister was not going to let this go and Lexa wasn't going to lie to one of the most important people in her life. It left her with no other choice than to just tell her the truth and get it over with. "I'm happy when I'm with Clarke and when I'm not with her all I can think about is her. The thought of seeing her makes me excited, like it's something I look forward to more than anything else."

"More than playing soccer games?" Anya quipped knowing her sister's passion for the game.

Lexa had never thought in terms of comparing the two and the question itself was intriguing. They were two very different things. Soccer had always been Lexa's home away from home, the one place where she felt safe and in control. Being with Clarke was the opposite. It felt like she was walking through unchartered grounds and she had no idea where she would end up. But it was exciting and she found herself willing to get lost.

But if she had to choose between the two? Lexa was torn. She doubted she could give up playing the game she loved, the game that had been her constant companion since the age of five. But at the same time, the thought of not being with Clarke felt like she would be tearing out a piece of her soul, a piece that she had been missing for years and had just regained. A part she didn't want to have to miss again.

"That's an impossible question to answer." Which was an answer in itself and it made Anya smile brighter, obviously pleased.

"Well that tells me all that I need to know to answer whatever question that you texted me about this morning. So spill!" Anya leaned back into her chair, folding her arms across her chest in a way that was very regal, as if she were the queen of advice giving. Though at this moment in time Lexa hoped that she really was.

"I'm scared that I'm making a mistake. What if this doesn't work out?" Though this was probably the question she should have asked herself before her and Clarke had had sex. It almost seemed too late now. She had jumped head first into the abyss and now there was no pulling herself away from the edge.

"You can't live your life in the comfortable bubble you've built for yourself the last six years. Trust me, Lex, being with this girl is not a mistake. And maybe in the long run it doesn't work out, but maybe it does. Maybe she's the one person that makes you feel complete and happy and can give you all the things you can't give yourself."

It was hopefully and Lexa wanted to believe that but "You've never even met her, Anya."

But her sister shook her head. "I don't think I need to meet her to know how she affects you, sweetie." She leaned over the table and gripped Lexa's forearm before giving it a comfortable squeeze. "I walked into your office today and I saw this unforgiving smile on your face and in your eyes that I only ever see when you are with Aden or after you've scored a goal. A smile that without Aden in the room, or when you aren't on the pitch, I hadn't seen since the accident."

Anya paused, waiting to see her sister's reaction. The accident was something that the two never talked about, something that when mentioned Lexa would shut down and block her sister out. But Lexa didn't react in the same way that she used to, she just nodded, staring at her sister, waiting for her to continue. Anya couldn't help but smile, truly thankful for Clarke.

"Anyone that can make you happy like that is someone worth investing time and effort into. So do me a favor and get out of your own head and out of your own way. Just enjoy your time together and if after awhile you decide that there isn't anyone else that you want to be with while you're with her then ask her to be your girlfriend and try like hell to not screw it up!" Anya said this last part teasingly and Lexa laughed. Leave it to her sister to end a heartfelt plea with tormenting.

Maybe Anya knew what she was talking about, after all she did have an amazingly happy life filled with people that loved her. Who better than to listen to than someone like that? "Maybe you're right."

"Damn straight I'm right!" She said, puffing out her chest a little. "I'm always right!"

Lexa laughed. "Even that time when we went camping and you said that bears couldn't smell food as long as they were in Tupperware containers?"

Anya rolled her eyes. "Make one little mistake and people hold it over your heads forever."

Lexa laughed, "when that mistake results in bears reigning down on our campsite, it should be held over your head for eternity!"

The two of them continued talking about the blonde and then Roan and Aden. They also discussed Thanksgiving which was only three days away. They talked and laughed until Lexa returned to her office finally at peace with the demons that had haunted her with questions this morning. And when she looked at her phone she noticed that she had a missed text message.

**Clarke (12:01pm): Not a chance, Woods. Tonight, you are mine!**

Lexa gulped. There was no way she was going to be able to think about work at all during the next four hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who has left comments for me on this story, especially after that last chapter. I have to admit, with my upbringing, posting that smut out in the world felt very revealing and you guys made me feel much better about it. And I general, I love reading the comments you all leave. You guys are the best!
> 
> A side note for my other Bayern fans: I pretty much cried yesterday. Winning and not advancing is so frustrating. AND THAT PK! UGH, WHY?!? Have I not sacrificed enough to the soccer Gods?! On the upside I found a friend who has been wanting to visit North Carolina so I may end up going to that Bayern game. So a little good news to help take off the sting of that loss...which wasn't a loss. Stupid away goal rules. And hopefully here is to clinching three points this weekend to take the title!
> 
> I'm thinking next chapter will be posted over the weekend. Maybe Saturday morning my time (PDT) if I get a chance to post before the CrossFit Kids competition I've been invited to. If not, definitely that evening.


	22. Tawanda!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 21 Recap:  
> After waking up from their first night together, Lexa and Clarke both find themselves with different feelings about what had just happened. Clarke is happily sitting on cloud nine despite her feelings of guilt while Lexa begins to feel trapped by the emotional demons that have lived in her head for years.
> 
> \---
> 
> First, I need to start this chapter by saying that Fried Green Tomatoes is my favorite movie of all time and that Lexa knows what's up and that's why it's her favorite movie too. If you haven't ever seen it, you really do need to. And if you don't like that movie then we just can't be friends. It is the only movie that if I'm channel surfing and see it's on, I turn it on and watch it until the end. No exception!
> 
> Second, if you aren't a fan of smut then there is a good portion of this chapter you may want to gloss over. You'll know when it starts. Just skip to the next break in the chapter.

"It smells fantastic in here. Are you cooking?"

Clarke looked down at the two plates that she had been trying to perfectly spin the spaghetti noodles into, in an attempt to simulate the presentation at an authentic Italian restaurant. The noodles weren't spinning the way she had wanted them to but she knew that they were at least delicious.

With her parents often working at night, Clarke had taught herself to cook when she was younger. At first it started with macaroni in the blue box when she was twelve and from there it graduated into making her own sauce, her own noodles. She wasn't sure what it was about pasta that made her happy to cook, she didn't think she even had Italian heritage. Perhaps it was the fact that as a child she got the greatest joy slurping up her noodles which made her dad laugh even if it was always followed by her mother scolding them both. But she enjoyed it anyway and her spaghetti was the best meal she knew she could make.

She felt two arms snake around her waist as soft lips planted a kiss against her shoulder and Clarke couldn't help but delightfully sigh into it. It all felt so natural, so normal, like this was something that she had always done. Like she had spent a lifetime having Lexa greet her with a hug and a soft kiss after a long day at work. She knew it was an insane thought, especially as this was the first time it had happened. But there was no denying how right it felt, how it just seemed to seamlessly fall into place.

"You didn't have to cook for me," she could feel Lexa's warm breath against her neck. "I could have taken you out to dinner."

"I wanted to," Clarke said as she turned around in the brunette's arms to face her. She leaned up to wrap her hands around the girl's neck and capture her lips for a quick kiss, meant as a greeting. Lexa hummed against her lips, looking slightly disappointed when Clarke pulled away. "I figured I would make you dinner and we can sit on the couch and maybe watch a movie." _And do other things_ she thought to herself.

Lexa smiled and gave the blonde another quick kiss. "What movie should I put in?"

Clarke just laughed. "Surprise me. How about your favorite movie?"

This seemed to please the brunette who let go of Clarke to go search for it. Clarke immediately regretted letting her leave, a coolness burned her skin where Lexa's hands had just been.

Clarke set the two pasta bowls on the living room table and sat on the center seat of the couch while Lexa placed the disk inside of the player, joining her a moment later, sitting to Clarke's left. Clarke handed Lexa the bowl just as she began to loosen the tie at her neck, undoing the top button on her shirt, looking visibly more relaxed.

"How was work?" Clarke asked as Lexa lifted her legs to rest them on the table.

"I could have been more productive. I saw Anya for lunch, that was nice."

Clarke lifted her legs and rested them on top of Lexa's, wanting some part of her to touch the brunette which seemed to make Lexa smile. "I forgot we were having dinner with your sister on Thursday." Clarke was beginning to feel a little green. What was she meeting Anya as? As Lexa's friend and teammate? As Lexa's something more? It definitely wasn't her girlfriend. Lexa had said in the car that she wasn't ready for that yet. Apparently the anxiousness was showing on her face.

"You'll be fine, Clarke. Anya is really cool and Aden is possibly the best human being on the planet. I'm sure he'll love you."

Clarke smiled at that. It was cute the way Lexa talked about her nephew. It was a very soft side that Lexa didn't seem to share with others, a soft side that Clarke got a glimpse of last night. And then images from the night before started flooding her mind and she had to remind herself to focus on anything but that.

Lexa wasn't helping when she let out a moan that made Clarke tremble. "Clarke, this pasta is fantastic!" And she was quickly shoveling another bite into her mouth.

Clarke smiled, pleased with herself. "What are we watching anyway?"

"Fried Green Tomatoes," Lexa answered, another small moan coming from her throat. Though when she turned to see the blonde's confused look, she dropped her fork into her bowl. "Clarke, how have you not seen this movie?! It is by far the best movie of all time!"

If Clarke was being honest, she hadn't even heard of it before. Instead of answering she took a bite of pasta. She could taste the tomato and basil coating her mouth and she had to agree that it did taste pretty amazing. "I can't believe this is your first time watching this movie." The brunette sounded appalled.

Clarke just laughed. "It seems like I've been doing a lot of firsts with you in the last 24 hours."

"You're first time sleeping with a girl." Lexa listed.

"My first orgasm. Followed by my second..."

At that Lexa smiled. "Only two, I told you I was rusty." And with that Clarke just laughed and hit the brunette's arm, suddenly beginning to feel nervous about what she had planned for after the movie. She felt like she would be lucky to give Lexa just one. And here she was baulking at two.

"Start the movie, Commander," she huffed. Lexa just laughed and quickly complied.

It was around the time that Idgie and Ruth were celebrating Ruth's birthday when Clarke had put away their plates and began snuggling up against Lexa who held the blonde close, planting kisses in her hair. Clarke would randomly trace lines onto Lexa's leg with her fingers. The brunette would run her fingers up and down Clarke's arm. And they sat there, thoroughly enjoying themselves.

It went back to the feeling that Clarke had had earlier. Everything about this felt right, as if the universe was finally aligned and everything was as it should be. She almost thought that she could be happy just spending the rest of her life watching movies, snuggled up to Lexa. Even when the tears started flowing down her cheeks.

Lexa just leaned down and tried to kiss the tears from her face leading to one of the most gentle kisses that the two of them had shared. It felt warm and safe and Clarke never wanted to let go.

"That's not how I wanted it to end for them," Clarke nearly whispered, watching the events unfold onscreen. Lexa just held her closer.

"Since I was a little kid, all I wanted was the kind of love those two had for one another," Lexa admitted. Clarke reached over and squeezed Lexa's hand. The two of them fell back into silence as they continued to watch the movie.

By the end there was a smile on Clarke's face. She could see why this had been the brunette's favorite movie and she was glad that she had shared it with her. She was surprised that the outcome of Idgie and Ruth's relationship hadn't hit home more with Lexa, but she didn't want to question it.

"Another movie?" Lexa asked.

Clarke gave her a small smile. "Netflix and chill?" She really hoped that Lexa knew what it was that she meant. The sly smile that crossed the brunette's features told her that she had.

"Do I need to waste time trying to find something good on Netflix or can we just skip to the chill?" And that was enough for the blonde who leaned in and began kissing Lexa.

And if Clarke had been honest, this is was the kind of kiss she had been hoping for all day. It was hungry, needy, and so filled with desire that it had Lexa's hands grabbing at Clarke and leading her to straddle her hips. And Clarke loved the feeling of Lexa beneath her.

Clarke's hands moved into Lexa's hair, gripping tight and holding the brunette into their kiss. Lexa's hands moved from Clarke's waist and rounded to Clarke's ass, squeezing and Clarke could feel the heat return to between her legs. It was involuntary when her hips bucked forward and Lexa detached their lips to let her head fall back with a feral moan.

Clarke would have decided to tease the brunette a little bit more, but she could hear it in that moan that Lexa had been waiting for this too damn long. She deserved to have her needs taken care of. So Clarke got up, off of Lexa who gave her a pleading stare. Clarke in turned reached down and grabbed a fistful of Lexa's tie and pulled her up off the couch with her.

Lexa leaned forward again, trying to bring the blonde back into another kiss but Clarke stepped back, still holding onto the tie and she could feel the devilish grin on her lips. Lexa looked helpless. Clarke just held her smile and led Lexa back to the brunette's room, holding onto her tie the entire way almost as if it had been a leash. Not that she needed it, it felt like Lexa would have followed her anywhere.

Clarke began by removing Lexa's tie and slowly unbuttoning her shirt, the smooth silk fabric heavenly against her fingers. She would have liked to have said she was doing it slowly because she was trying to make the moment last but the truth was that her hands were shaking from nerves and she had to remind herself to breathe. Lexa's green eyes just watched her intently.

When her torso was completely bare Lexa reached out to remove Clarke's shirt but the blonde shook her head. "Tonight is about you, Lex."

But Lexa just gave her a smoldering smile. "You don't have to be dressed to fuck me, Clarke." And with that Lexa slowly began to remove the shirt from her body. Clarke had always been nervous showing her body to Finn when the two of them had been intimate but she didn't feel that way with Lexa. Maybe it was the way that Lexa looked at her as if she was the most magnificent thing she had ever seen. As if she had been a gift from the gods. Whatever it was, she felt completely open to sharing herself with the brunette.

Clarke pushed the brunette back so that she fell into a sitting position on the bed as she reached behind her back to unclasp and remove her bra, all the while green eyes got wider, got darker. Clarke felt smooth, long fingers softly against her hips before they squeezed and pulled her forwards so that she was straddling Lexa's lap. Not a second later, Clarke's chest was in the brunette's mouth.

Clarke moaned, throwing her head back as she felt a warm tongue circling her nipple, a steady hand kneading at the other breast. It was euphoric the way she used her tongue, smooth, sensual, so filled with purpose. Then teeth dragged across the sensitive skin, shock waves flooding her system and Clarke moaned louder. "Lexa," she gasped while grinding her hips down, causing the brunette to moan as well. One voice gruff and another one high, singing together in perfect tune.

When Lexa moved her mouth away from her left side to ravage the right Clarke heard Lexa say to her chest. "I've been thinking about the two of you all day," and Clarke laughed.

"Only using me to get to the girls, huh Woods?"

Lexa just looked up at her and gave her this bright happy smile while she attempted to arch a single eyebrow higher and Clarke could feel the wetness pooling inside of her. "We bonded last night."

Clarke just shook her head and got off the brunette. "You can play with them later, after you lay down." Lexa just smiled and pulled herself further up the bed, laying down so that her head was on her pillow. Clarke followed suit and everything seemed to speed up in a blur from there.

Clarke could feel Lexa's nipples getting hard in her mouth and she enjoyed the feel of it just as much as hearing Lexa's breathing get heavier from above her. What she wasn't expecting was for the girl below her to expel "Clarke" in a breathless moan.

She had imagined how it would sound, she had dreamed about it, but hearing it now made her body shake with excitement. All she wanted was to hear Lexa say her name like that over and over again. By their own accords, her hands slid down the brunette's body, tracing over soft skin and the hard muscles beneath them until they reached fabric where they stopped to undo Lexa's belt.

Again, Clarke saw how over anxious the brunette was when Lexa's hands went down to help her. But this time Clarke would not let her. Hearing Lexa say her name like that gave her a confidence that she could not explain, one that melted away her insecurities of not being able to do this right. Instead she grabbed Lexa's hands and forced them onto the pillow above Lexa's head. Lexa groaned in response but Clarke silenced her with a kiss, again allowing her own hands to now unbutton the brunette's pants and then unzip them.

Clarke could feel a bolt of electricity run down her body as Lexa bit at her lip, pulling it into her mouth. Clarke could feel the pulling at her groin when she gasped. She momentarily forgot about Lexa's pants when she pulled the brunette back in for another kiss. It was at that point that, while she was distracted, Lexa moved to undo the button on Clarke's pants before attempting to tug them off the blonde.

"Lexa," Clarke warned with shallow breath.

"Clarke," Lexa responded in the same tone and Clarke just shook her head before removing her own pants and then reaching down to remove the rest of the clothing from Lexa's body. The Commander was all sharp lines and curves as muscles adorned the body beneath her, the sight causing Clarke's breath to catch in her throat. But before she could say anything, Lexa beat her to it. "You're beautiful." And Clarke leaned down to kiss her again.

Her hand was playing with the small patch of hair between Lexa's legs and the girl beneath her started to moan. "Beja, Clarke."

"Beja?" She asked, stilling her fingers and the brunette groaned in protest to the lack of movement.

"Please, Clarke." Lexa translated into English, clearly desperate. Clarke nodded and slid her middle finger between Lexa's folds, surprised by the wetness she felt there. "Are you surprised?"

She had been unaware that Lexa had been watching her face, trying to read her emotions but she looked up to see green eyes piercing hers. "I didn't know you would be so wet." She responded, honestly as she allowed her finger to run up and down Lexa's length, each stroke seeming to make Lexa's eyes a little darker.

"That's what you do to me, Clarke." The statement drove her over the edge as she hungrily kissed the girl below her and slipped her finger inside of her. The brunette gasped in her mouth and raised her hips to meet Clarke's fingers.

She moved slowly at first, trying to memorize the feeling of Lexa around her finger, her heavy breathing in her ear, her soft moans. "More," Lexa managed to breath out between gasps and Clarke added a second finger, moving just as slowly as the pressure on her fingers tightened.

Then she could feel Lexa bucking a little more wildly so she started moving her fingers faster and Lexa's moaning got louder. "Fuck, Clarke," she got out between moans and Clarke could feel the heat rising between her legs. Lexa's words and movements, the pressure against her fingers, the wetness on her palm, they were turning her on and she had a desire to begin touching herself but she refrained.

She was moving faster and her forearm was beginning to feel a tinge of tightness when Lexa said "curl your fingers up," though it took her several attempts to say before she could get out. And when Clarke did, feeling her front wall on her finger tips, Lexa began letting out a slew of words in Trigedasleng that Clarke did not understand except for the word "jok" which she now knew to mean "fuck" and she vowed then to learn more of Lexa's native language.

And then there was a tightening against her fingers when Lexa came, her back arching off the bed. And Clarke tried to keep pace, trying to ride her down through her ecstasy. Giving Lexa an orgasm felt almost as good as receiving one herself. And already becoming eager to do it again.

When Lexa finally came down, Clarke slowed her fingers to a very slow pace before she stopped moving completely, still inside of her. What she didn't expect was for Lexa to let out a small laugh. She looked at he brunette in confusion who looked her in the eyes and asked her "Are you sure you've never done that before?"

And Clarke smiled, suddenly remembering the piece of advise that Raven had given her. Slowly she removed her fingers and lifted them up to her face, slowly taking her middle finger into her mouth and slowly, very slowly pulled it out, her lips a vacuum around it. The taste of Lexa was sweet with a hint of saltiness and she loved the taste of it.

The brunette just watched her movements and loudly swallowed the lump in her throat, her eyes growing dark again as Clarke took in the second finger into her mouth. "Fuck," was all Lexa replied, clearly not expecting it. And in that moment a devilish grin lit up the brunette's features, lust heavy behind her eyes. In the back of her head Clarke noted that she definitely needed to thank her roommate for that one.

With fingers removed and thoroughly sucked clean, Lexa rolled them over so that Clarke was beneath her. Clarke could feel the soft weight of her body, a wet stickiness against her leg. Then the Commander kissed the blonde heatedly before she pulled away and said "Ai laik tirt" before kissing her way down her body.

The feeling of those lips on her sternum made Clarke gulp as a tingling sensation flooded her senses. "What does that mean?" she asked with shaky breath.

She could feel Lexa smiling against her abdomen when she translated "I'm thirsty." And Clarke closed her eyes, trying to focus on the head now between her thighs.

She needed to send Raven a gift basket.

\----------

"Seriously, Clarke. There's no way you've never done this before." Lexa had been woken up to this warm sensation between her thighs, jerking awake the moment she felt Clarke's tongue press flatly against her clit. And Lexa had to admit, if there was an image more amazing than that of Clarke's breasts, it had to be the image of Clarke's head between her thighs.

The blonde now had her head resting in the nook of Lexa's neck and their legs were tangled together. Lexa was still working on getting her heart rate back to a normal beat but Clarke would periodically lean in to kiss her neck and again her heart would flutter. If this is what being in a relationship was, Lexa wanted it.

"Nope, though I've dreamed about it over and over so maybe that's it."

Lexa laughed and planted a kiss into blonde curls while Clarke sighed, content. "I wish I could just lay here all morning." As it was Lexa knew that she was probably going to be late getting to the office. Clarke had told her to jump in the shower after she had finished but Lexa had responded by pulling the girl into her arms and holding her there where they'd been for the last half an hour. The thought of leaving her then was unbearable. The feeling wasn't getting any easier.

"Me too," Clarke agreed, "but we both know you'll just feel guilty if you don't get out of bed soon." Lexa just groaned but she knew Clarke was right. And at the same time she was astounded with how well the blonde seemed to know her.

"How about you come meet me for lunch? I can have a driver come pick you up."

Clarke sat up and looked at Lexa with curiosity. Lexa in turn gave her a pout, a coldness hitting her body where Clarke had been laying. She wanted Clarke to return, but maybe this was what she needed to get out of bed. She sighed, deciding to sit up as well.

"I wouldn't want to distract you from work."

But Lexa just shook her head and smiled. She hadn't explained it to Clarke, but yesterday had been her least productive day in the office ever. All she could think about was the blonde and how she needed release. Now she had gotten release but somehow Lexa had this feeling that she would be missing and thinking of her even more now. "It will be nice to have something to look forward to when I'm in morning meetings. Please, Clarke?"

"I don't know," she said with a smile on her face.

Lexa leaned in and planted a soft kiss on her neck. "Beja?" and then she placed a soft kiss on her lips, "I want you to come."

"I remember you saying that last night," Clarke said, causing Lexa to laugh.

"No, I told you to 'cum for me'. That's very different. So should I expect you at noon?"

Clarke just rolled her eyes and nodded. "Fine, I guess I can make an appearance." But the smile on her face told Lexa just how much she wanted to be there.

Yeah, she could very much get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter is a little shorter than my last few chapters have been but it was longer than most of my original chapters, I'm not sure if that's any constellation prize. 
> 
> I'm planning out this fall break and I think the Thanksgiving chapter will likely be Chapter 25 and then there will be one, maybe two more before we begin picking up the speed in time. 
> 
> As always, you guys make my day with all the love you send out. Y'all are the best and I hope you enjoyed this one!


	23. Take Your Girlfriend to Work Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 22:  
> This chapter was domestic Clexa at its best as the girls began getting even more comfortable together and Clarke took the plunge!
> 
> \---
> 
> So I had been planning to post this chapter tomorrow but I had a chance to run through it last night and I think I was able to get all the proofreading complete. This should be a fun one for you guys. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Clarke felt nervous walking into the massive sky rise that had to be at least fifty stories tall. It was smooth and sleek and gave off this appearance of modern style and superiority. And everything about it screamed money as it towered over every other building in the downtown area.

Clarke was wearing the only conservative dress she had packed to stay at Lexa's, one she knew that she could no longer wear to Thanksgiving. She was torn between trying to impress Lexa's family or her colleagues. But as she kissed Lexa goodbye before she left for work, the brunette had been wearing dress pants, a button up, a vest and a tie so she knew that she couldn't just show up wearing jeans.

The inside of the building was pristine, marble floors and natural lighting from the walls that almost looked as if they were made by glass. At the front desk stood a stalky man with a bald head. "Can I help you?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah. I'm here to meet Lexa Woods." She felt fidgety and she couldn't figure out what quite to do with her hands.

"Are you Ms. Griffin?" A soft voice asked from behind her. Clarke turned to see a pretty girl in her twenties, brown hair with golden highlights. A white smile flashed warmly.

"Yes, I'm Clarke," she said, extending her hand as a reflex.

"Echo," the girl said taking it for a moment before letting go. "Lexa asked me to let you up. Follow me."

Walking behind the girl, Clarke noticed that Echo had a very attractive figure with long legs and a nice ass. Normally she would have tried to distract herself from staring but the way the girl had said Lexa's name suggested that they knew each other, and well enough to not go by last names. Clarke couldn't say she enjoyed that fact. And she instantly chided herself for the unprovoked jealousy.

They walked into the elevator and the girl pushed the button for the top floor. Clarke had been wrong, the building had fifty-five floors. And Clarke had to smile, Lexa seemed to have a thing for wanting to be on the top floor, and generally on top of most things. Or at least she tried. The last two nights she hadn't been successful.

"So you two play on the same soccer team?" Clarke felt the girl eyeing her up and down, almost as if she were trying to size her up.

"Yeah," Clarke answered, unsure of how to explain their current relationship status. It seemed like over sharing to tell a stranger that she was currently waking up with the girl every morning and it would have been a lie to call herself Lexa's girlfriend. At least she assumed it would be. "You work for the company?"

"I'm Lexa's assistant," she said with another bright smile as she said the brunette's name, one that made Clarke feel a little uneasy. "I started here almost half a year ago."

The elevator dinged and the door opened revealing a front desk with the title "Grounder Inc." displayed in large letters across the back wall. Another secretary was sitting there, another pretty looking girl, manning the desk. "Hey Echo!" She said with a bright smile.

"Hey, Fox. Did Lex come out of her meeting with the city council?" Yup, it was confirmed, Clarke really didn't like the way she said her name.

"Yeah, Ms. Woods went back to her office about five minutes ago. It must have gone well because she seemed to be in a really good mood."

The girls both nodded before Echo led Clarke through glass double doors and into a bustling office. People were sitting in cubicles on their computers or lounging back in their chairs on their phones, while others were talking amongst one another, laughing. The atmosphere, while slightly chaotic also, oddly enough, felt very warm. While some looked deep in concentration, no one appeared to have scowls on their faces. It didn't seem like anyone was unhappy about being there.

When they reached the office in the north-west corner of the room hidden by large wooden doors Echo knocked and Clarke heard a voice that made her heart flutter. "Come in!"

Lexa stood there, behind her desk with a phone to her ear speaking in a language that Clarke didn't understand. From the harsh dialect Clarke thought that it sounded German. Upon seeing them enter Lexa gave Clarke a large smile and held up a single finger. "Danke, Gunther." she finished before hanging up the phone.

"How was your meeting with the city?" Echo asked right before Clarke could say hello.

Lexa just laughed and shook her head. "I swear the bureaucratic tape they make us cut through is only there to bleed money out of us. We will need to file a permit with land services before we can get a permit from the city."

"So not a good meeting then?" Echo looked confused, Fox had said she appeared happy, which she did.

"It was a shit meeting." Was all she said about it before turning to Clarke. "Did you find your way up here okay?"

"Yes," Clarke smiled warmly. "Echo was a big help." She added that last part as a courtesy and it tasted sour on her tongue.

Lexa flashed her assistant a brilliant smile. "Echo is fantastic. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her." Clarke hated the way the girl laughed at that, it was flirtatious.

"I do have a pretty amazing boss," she said the statement to Clarke but her eyes never left Lexa. "It makes doing my job really easy."

"I'm sure," Clarke said dryly. How could Lexa not see that her assistant clearly had a thing for her? She was just praying that she wasn't one of the many women Lexa had slept with.

"Echo, do you mind holding my calls for the next two hours? Also, if you can have the model of the community center brought up to my office before I get back from lunch, I would really appreciate it."

"Anything you need," Clarke felt her hands bawling into fists. She didn't miss the way the girl had emphasized the word 'anything'. But she was gone and out of the room before Clarke had to force herself to bite her tongue.

Clarke took a deep breath to calm herself, to remind herself to stay cool. But it didn't work. Both girls spoke at the same time.

"Are you ready?"

"I think your assistant has a thing for you."

Lexa laughed and sheepishly shook her head. "Echo? That's how she is with everyone. She's dating some guy downstairs from accounting." Lexa said it like it was the most obvious thing, as if that could explain away what Clarke had just witnessed. When Clarke said nothing in return, Lexa raised an eyebrow. "Are you jealous of my assistant, Clarke?"

Clarke could feel the heat rising in her cheeks but forced herself to roll her eyes, feigning nonchalance. "Of course not. I was just making an observation." But Clarke knew she had no right to be jealous, it's not like they decided to be exclusive. She had just sort of hoped it had been implied.

Lexa took a few steps forward, closing the space between the two and wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist. "There is nothing going on between Echo and me." She leaned down and kissed Clarke, a quick kiss hello. When they pulled apart Lexa was smiling and Clarke could feel herself melting beneath her gaze, all other feelings falling away.

"I've been thinking about you all morning." Lexa said it quietly, in a whisper, as if it were a secret to be shared only between the two of them.

Clarke gave her a smug grin. "Is that why the girl out front said you looked like you were happy all day?"

Lexa's smile grew bigger. "No, I just really like Tuesdays."

Lunch had been nice and a bit unexpected. Clarke had assumed Lexa would take her to one of the fancier restaurants around town but it appeared that the Commander was full of surprises. They ended up at a local pizza shop that had one of the best pizzas Clarke had ever eaten. Half way through lunch Lexa confessed remembering Clarke telling her it was her favorite food. Clarke recalled only telling her that the second week after they'd met.

It seemed that Lexa was interested in talking about Clarke's childhood. Or rather she was interested in asking Clarke about her childhood which left the blonde talking through a majority of it. And Lexa would look at her, intrigued as if Clarke had been telling her the most entertaining story she'd ever heard. And the only time she would interrupt would be to ask another question. And yet it didn't feel at all like an interrogation.

"So you used to take art lessons until you started high school?"

Clarke couldn't remember the last time she had picked up a paint brush, the last time she held charcoal between her fingers. She remembered how much she used to enjoy it, how she could get lost for hours in a drawing, but she had put that away along with other childish dreams. "Yeah, I was pretty good at it but I didn't have time to do both soccer and art. I had to choose."

"Have you ever thought of taking it back up again?" They were walking back to the building now, Lexa had her arm draped around Clarke's shoulder and the blonde was reveling in Lexa's warmth against the crisp air of fall.

"Honestly? Art was something I used to do with my mom. She had an old art studio above the garage that she would spend time in when work had her stressed out and I used to like to watch her paint. It's hard to think about taking it up again when it just reminds me of a relationship I no longer have."

She could feel the pressure on her shoulder where Lexa had placed a reassuring squeeze. It was comforting and Clarke was grateful for it. "Maybe one day things will be better." It was a nice thought, but Clarke couldn't say that she had the same hope Lexa did repairing her relationship with her mother. The surgeon just wasn't there, she wasn't the woman she remembered.

"How about you?"

She heard Lexa laugh, and she absolutely adored the melody of it. "I guess I've been drawing amazing stick figures since I was five."

Clarke laughed, softly elbowing the brunette in the ribs. "I mean, what besides soccer are you passionate about, Lex?"

"You mean you don't already know after last night? I mean, you seemed pretty enthralled about it." Clarke turned to see Lexa suggestively bite her lip and it was hard not to think about those teeth against her throat, those lips against her upper thigh. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. Lexa's body shook around her, clearly in a silent laugh.

"Other than _that_."

"I do have a little project I'm working on." Clarke laughed, the look on Lexa's face appeared almost giddy. And 'giddy' was a word that she had never thought she would ever use to explain the Commander.

"Tell me about it." They had reached the doors of Lexa's building and Clarke felt sad, not wanting the afternoon to be over. She was really enjoying this time with Lexa and she didn't want to lose a single second of it.

Lexa let go of Clarke's shoulder and moved to straighten up her vest and tie, returning to the look of professionalism. But her grin only got wider. "I'd rather show you. Come back upstairs with me?" Lexa's eyes sparkled as she led Clarke to the elevators. The truth was, Clarke probably would have followed her anywhere.

"Echo, please tell anyone looking for me that I'm unavailable." Lexa said as she breezed past her assistant to hold open her office door for Clarke. And Clarke had to admit that she enjoyed the look of slight disappointment on the assistant's features.

When the door had closed behind them, Lexa led the blonde to a table that hadn't been there when Clarke first entered and Lexa was beaming at it with pride. "Miniature replicas are your passion?" Clarke asked, looking at the tiny replica of a city block.

Clarke didn't look up from the object on the table but she could feel Lexa rolling her eyes. "No, I'm going to have this built in the middle of the city."

Clarke felt a wave of curiosity and amazement wash over her. Yes, Lexa ran an architecture firm and she knew that architecture firms designed buildings but there had somehow been a disconnect in her head. It hadn't dawned on her that Lexa would be making decisions that would result in pieces of art being erected, art that people could live in, art that provided sanctuary.

She took a closer look. In the center of the city which she was able to piece as downtown Ton DC stood a cylindrical type of building. The center of the building had been cut out and a field existed among it. She could see a soccer field inside, detailed down to the corner kick quarter circles. Next to that there appeared to be a wooden court that had open space and she could imagine it being used for basketball or maybe volleyball. A track seemed to run along the perimeter of the two fields.

The building itself as without a roof and she could see dozens of rooms inside. The front of the building seemed to house an open floor plan. Outside of the building was filled with trees, some of which even appeared to have tiny tire swings.

"I wanted to make a free space for kids to go who feel like they have nowhere else to turn to. The community center will host a few sports leagues: soccer, basketball, volleyball, field hockey, track. And there are a few retired teachers we've reached out to who would be willing to provide tutoring services at the facility.

"I know that not everyone has the same opportunities that we did and I want to do what I can to make sure all kids here have those things available to them. So whether it be sports, school help or just a place to stay and hang out, the community center will be there. And it will be for the whole community too, kids and adults alike. Something we can give back to the people."

Lexa talked with so much passion that it took over her eyes and her hands were moving around as if there only to emphasize her point, her passion. She talked about it with such conviction that Clarke found herself wanting to build the building herself. "This means a lot to you." She's not sure why she made the statement, it was obvious. But Lexa beamed at her anyway.

"It does. And it looks like there's a good chance it will go through." Then the brunette was starring at the building again, a faraway look crossing her features. The smile on her face began to fall and she began to look somber. Clarke had no idea what had changed but in that instant Lexa had taken herself to a far away place in her mind that Clarke couldn't see and it changed the way she looked at the stadium.

"I told you about my mom and how she raised us alone before she met Titus?" She looked at Clarke who nodded. How could she forget that day the first spent in the forest together? It was a moment with Lexa she had cherished.

"My mom was barely making enough money to make house payments and there were a few nights that she wouldn't eat because there wasn't enough food for all of us." And Clarke could see it then, the place that Lexa had went in her head and she could feel her heart breaking. "I was lucky, there was a soccer league that let me play without paying the fee. At least that's what I had assumed. I found out years later that my mother had went to Gustus for help and he was the one who paid my entrance fee."

Clarke remembered the name and could remember the man who was built like a house who she had met at the university benefit dinner. "I can't imagine how my life would have turned out if I'd never been allowed onto the pitch that year, or the next few Gustus paid for before Titus stepped in. And I just don't want other kids who want more than their parents can afford them to not be able to at least try for their dreams, you know?"

And Clarke didn't know how she missed it, how she couldn't see the big heart of the girl in front of her. The big heart of the girl who molded herself into goo at the hands of a five year old. A heart that still thundered even after being beaten down by suffering beyond what most could imagine. "Why don't you ever share this type of stuff with other people, Lex?" What she couldn't ask was why she always acted so cold and stoic when people would more easily love her when she was like this.

But she didn't need to say it because the look Lexa gave her told her that she had heard it anyway. "I'm the leader that I need to be for our team. And in the board room I'm the leader that I need to be for this company. I need you to understand that this person that I am right now, the person in front of you, isn't for them, Clarke."

And Clarke understood. The Commander. Lexa. They were one in the same, but each wore a different mask, each was a part of the girl in front of her that made her who she was. One was stoic, strong and was the solid rock that people could lean against, that they could count on when they needed it. And she was often needed. The other was a dreamer with a big heart who was as selfless as she was beautiful. She was the heart beneath the stone that for years had beat alone, protecting itself against the harsh realities that it had already faced.

And while Clarke couldn't understand why they both couldn't coexist together, Lexa believed it was necessary. So who was she to question it? She had to accept it, she had to trust that Lexa knew what was best for herself. "You let me see this side of you." It wasn't said as a retort but rather whispered on words of whimsy. Clarke belonged to a club that seldom have ever been allowed to join. That few people knew existed.

"You hold this power over me, Clarke. I don't think I could fight it if I wanted to." Clarke shivered as nimble fingers traced her jaw line and green eyes pierced into her soul.

"Do you wish you could fight it?"

"No."

It was calm. It was firm. It was the only word Clarke wanted to hear.

Lexa's lips had fallen onto hers, softly worshiping her mouth with pleading movement. But a fire had been lit inside of Clarke, one that she only knew how to quell with one thing. Lexa was the infection. Lexa was the symptom. Lexa was the cure.

Her hands bawled up the fabric of Lexa's vest, pulling her deeper into the kiss. A hard moan escaped the brunette's lips as Clarke's tongue began dancing in her mouth, the taste of pizza still lingering. Still delicious. Still not enough.

They made their way across the room to the couch in the corner that Clarke had barely noticed earlier. And when Lexa stopped moving, her legs against it, Clarke pushed her back. Lexa fell into a sitting position with a nearly silent thump, her eyes washing over Clarke's body hungrily, reaching out to grab her waist.

Smooth fingers wrapped around her hips and Clarke shivered against the touch knowing all to well what those things were capable of. And Clarke reached down, pulling the bottom of her dress up, watching as Lexa's eyes seemed to devour her now bare thighs before tugging at her lace underwear and sliding them off her body. Then she was straddling the brunette as their lips locked onto each other hungrily, full of passion.

Clarke let out a quiet moan as Lexa began kissing down her neck, teasing at the spot she had marked before. "You know," Clarke let out with labored breath, "I never pegged you for a bottom, but I love it."

The movement against her neck stopped and as everything went still Clarke began to panic that she had said the wrong thing. The panic, however, fell away when she let out a small yelp. In what felt like a blink of an eye, Lexa's hands fell to grip beneath Clarke's thighs while her legs leveraged their bodies up so that Clarke was momentarily straddling a standing brunette before Lexa twisted them and Clarke's back collided with the cushions of the sofa with Lexa's waist still between her hips but the Commander's body now hovering above.

"I don't know what you're implying, Griffin, but I've never been called that before." Her voice was gruff somehow filled with both laughter and lust. It was a rather lethal combination and Clarke could feel herself getting dizzy beneath it.

"Face it, Lex," she said with a smug grin, "you're practically my bitch at this point."

She watched as Lexa's face fell to that of incredulous amusement before her eyes narrowed, a small smile at the corner of her mouth. Her tie had come loose from her vest and it had fallen to lay between Clarke's breasts where the silky fabric tickled with each movement from above. "Is that so?"

"Ye-" and Lexa ground her hips into the blonde, slowly but forcefully. "Fuck," she found herself hissing.

Lexa thrust again, slower this time and Clarke whimpered. "Funny," the brunette said lazily, "that's not what it looks like from up here." She seemed to draw out and emphasize the words 'up here' as if to remind the blonde who was currently the one on top. "In fact, from up here it looks a little bit like I'm in charge." Another thrust and Clarke could feel herself beginning to come undone. Lexa was pushing in just the right spot and she could feel the little bundle of nerves between her legs vibrating.

Clarke reached up to grab at Lexa's neck to pull her down for a kiss but Lexa gripped her hands, one in each of hers, and pinned them both above the blonde's head, shifting her body so that it was her leg that was now between Clarke's thighs. And Clarke felt as if she were about to explode as Lexa slowly ground her thigh into Clarke's center. And she moaned.

Lexa tutted but she didn't stop the movement of her leg against Clarke. The movements began to get quicker, more forceful and the fabric against her clit made her head spin. "Griffin, this is a work environment. You can't be making loud sounds like that here." Clarke's eyes were shut tight, trying hard to not crumble beneath the Commander, but she could hear the laughter in her voice. Laughter and lust. Yes, a very dangerous combination indeed.

"Please, Lex," she let out through gritted teeth. Lexa began slowing down her movements but her right hand slowly began tracing a line from her hand down her arm and then further down, sending a vibration through Clarke's entire body. Then she dropped her head as she went down and began nipping at the blonde's neck.

"Please, what?" She murmured against her throat.

"I want-" and she could feel Lexa's fingers now tracing her abdomen, getting so much closer to where Clarke desperately needed them to be. Her back arched and she felt her body shutter.

"You want?" Clarke opened her eyes to see Lexa's face hovering just above hers, green eyes as dark as night.

"I-"

"I have the proposal for - damnit Lexa!" Both girls turned to see the building of a man standing behind the open door with a handful of papers in his hands, staring at the scene in front of him.

"Gustus, you can't go in-" and then Echo was at his side, freezing the moment she saw the lucrative position of the girls on the sofa.

Everyone froze and Clarke wanted to disappear. She wanted to curl up into a ball and die. And it seemed that so did Gustus who almost seemed to view Lexa as his own daughter. Echo looked both horrified, disappointed and turned on all at once. Lexa, it appeared was just annoyed.

"This isn't a free show so pull out some cash or get the hell out of my office." Her voice was firm and commanding and the two people at the door both cleared their throats and muttered their apologies.

"I'll be waiting outside the door," Gustus had managed with an averted gaze before leaving the room, making it clear that whatever it was that was happening on the couch was to cease immediately.

"Killjoy," Lexa muttered before getting up off the blonde, leaving Clarke to get into a sitting position where she could hide her face with her hands.

"That did not just happen," Clarke muttered to herself, hoping desperately that if she could convince herself of it that it would somehow become true.

"Don't worry about it," the Commander offered.

Clarke lifted her face out of her hands to glare at the brunette who seemed to be reaching into one of her cabinets that appeared to be a closet as she examined pants. "Don't worry about it?" It was absolutely embarrassing being caught like that, so it was beyond Clarke why she was the only one freaking out about this. "Does this happen to you often?" It was more of an accusation than a question.

"No, of course not," said the brunette who hadn't taken her eyes off the pants she was feeling between her fingertips. "I never bring women to my place of business."

Clarke knew that she should be honored then that Lexa invited her here but she couldn't bring herself to feel anything more than embarrassed and now annoyed at the girl in front of her. "Lexa, what the fuck are you doing?"

But her angry tone seemed to escape the Commander who tugged on the pair of pants and removed them from its hanger before stepping in front of Clarke and pointing to a wet spot on the front of her thigh. "Clarke, you came all over my pant leg. You can't honestly expect me to walk around with this stain all day, can you?" Lexa seemed to be enjoying every minute of this and Clarke was getting more embarrassed by the moment.

"Why do you even have spare clothes here?"

Lexa was stepping out of her pants and Clarke tried not to stare at Lexa's toned thighs. The last thing she needed was for her lust to overtake her current state of embarrassment with people standing right outside the door. "I tend to work a lot of late nights in the summer. I've slept on that couch on more than one occasion." Then she took a look at the couch and the girl on it before pulling on her new pants. "But now I think I love that couch a lot more."

"Lexa!" Clarke hissed but all she got in return was a smug grin. Exasperated, Clarke looked around and found the underwear Lexa had discarded, putting them on then she stood up, straightening her dress and trying to smooth down her hair. Lexa waited another moment before calling the other individuals back into the room.

Gustus entered as he cleared his throat, but it was Echo that was the first to speak. "Ms. Woods, I am so sorry. I left the desk for two seconds and by the time I saw Gustus it was too late."

"It's fine. Please call down to dry cleaning for me. I spilled," she looked at Clarke with a grin, "something on my pants and I need to have them cleaned." Clarke almost rolled her eyes as she could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. There wasn't a person in the room who believed that story. "Also, if you can, call down and tell the car to be ready outside in five minutes to take Clarke home."

"Yes, right away!" And the cute assistant was gone.

Then Lexa turned to Gustus. "I'll walk Clarke downstairs and then come back up to hear about the proposal." She sounded professional again, her commander mask securely fastened to her face.

The man just shook his head as if he couldn't believe it. He turned to Clarke whose cheeks were a bright red. "It is very nice to see you again, Ms. Griffin."

"And you as well, Gustus," she said shyly. "Though it would have been better under a different circumstance, I'm really sorry you saw that."

He gave her a warm smile, pleased with the apology. "I look forward to having drinks with you tomorrow evening." Then he turned to Lexa and said, "I really like her."

"Me too," was all she said, her eyes never having left the blonde.

As they left Lexa's office, a still flustered Echo called out "It was nice meeting you, Clarke. I really hope you come again soon."

And Clarke had to elbow the brunette beside her who was laughing, almost to the point of tears. Clarke couldn't tell if Lexa's assistant had chosen those words on purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are bringing in a new character, though Clarke doesn't seem to be a fan. A little jealousy to spice up her life. 
> 
> I hope I didn't mess with Lexa's overall character too much in this one. I'm just in love with her, she is everything, but I had to remind myself to reign it in. It's nice seeing what makes her tick though as she lets Clarke in behind the curtain a little more of what her childhood was like.
> 
> I'm thinking the next chapter will be posted Friday night. I'm planning for it to be a long one since there will be a delay getting out Chapter 25. I'm out all weekend and won't be able to write much.
> 
> Thanks for all your continued love and support. You guys are the best! Hearing from y'all makes my day. Hopefully this added a little joy to some of yours.  
> -Jen


	24. Half Blooded Tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 23:  
> Lexa invited Clarke out to spend lunch with her and showed her around the office. In the end though, it was Clarke who ended up showing a little something something to Lexa's coworkers.
> 
> \---
> 
> Okay, so I have to say that I meant for this chapter to be a filler chapter. A smooth and easy transition into Thanksgiving but my creativity got the best of me and this one turned out to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Hopefully you all don't hate me for it, I mean it all turns out well in the end. Right? Hopefully...

There was a twitchy, nervousness radiating from the blonde beside her and Lexa could feel those emotions beginning to slowly eat away at her own energy. Her leg would not stop shaking, a leg covered in too much fabric for Lexa's liking. Though Clarke wearing anything at this point was too much material for Lexa's liking. She much preferred the lack of clothing the blonde had been in the last three mornings.

"There really is no need to be nervous, Clarke." Lexa looked over at the girl sitting beside her at the table in the bar who was wearing a very flattering blue dress that while conservative seemed to show off her curves. Curves that Lexa had been sure to study with her hands for an hour and a half this morning, again making her significantly late to work.

"No need to be nervous? The last time I saw your mother's dearest childhood friend you were practically dry humping me on your office couch." The blonde hissed in her direction, and while Lexa could understand Clarke's feelings, she couldn't stop the grin from falling on her face or the retort that fell from her lips.

"I don't remember there being much dry about it," she said as she went to bite at Clarke's earlobe. But Clarke pulled away just before she could reach it with a look of disbelief on her face while Lexa let out a sad groan. Did she really expect Lexa to go throughout dinner without just a small little taste?

"Really, Lex? Are you trying to recreate the scene for Gustus? I'm trying to make a good impression!" She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and Lexa could see the firmness in her eyes. It felt a bit like she was five years old being chastised by a teacher. Albeit a very hot teacher, but that wasn't really the point.

"He's going to love you. He already said as much when he saw me grinning at your text messages on Monday." But this didn't seem to ease Clarke's nerves.

"That was before Couch-Gate!" And Lexa couldn't help but laugh. She didn't know that their being caught on the couch had earned the event an ominous name.

"Couch-Gate? Are you just naming places where we should be doing it because I am all for that. Can I suggest Kitchen Counter-Shower?" This at least seemed to pull a small grin from the blonde which made Lexa smile wider even if the grin was accompanied by a hard swat to her arm which stung.

"You are insatiable," she replied, her grin finally reaching her blue eyes.

"Me?" Lexa asked with feigned shock as she held an open hand against her chest. "Wasn't it you that woke me up this morning with a hand between my-"

A coughing sound from just behind them prevented Lexa from finishing her statement as she turned to smile at the man behind her along with the woman attached to his arm. From right beside her she heard Clarke saying "Oh my god, Lex!" It came out muffled as she now had her face in her hands in embarrassment.

Gustus just laughed, in agreement with Clarke's sentiment. "I really suppose I should hire an assistant to announce my presence before entering a room that the two of you are currently in." Which made Clarke groan louder. Lexa just laughed, finding the situation funny. Honestly, she was proud of the fact that she was sleeping with with blonde bombshell beside her and had absolutely no shame in it.

Either way, she ignored the man in front of her and stood to welcome the woman at his side. "Magnolia, I feel like I never get to see you anymore." The two grasped forearms and smiled brightly at one another.

"The kids keep me busy so it's hard to make it into the city to visit you, though I really wish I could do it more." The woman was of slender built, but tall like her husband. She had straight black hair which seemed to be filling in with hues of gray. And her smile was kind, as it had always been since Lexa could remember. If there was a single word she could use to describe the woman in front of her it would have been 'sweet'. There was no one Lexa had ever met with such a soft temperament.

"Clarke, this is Magnolia, Gustus' wife." Clarke pulled her head out of her hands so that she shake the woman's hand and offer her a soft smile.

Lexa could still see the hint of embarrassment in her face, that just got worse when the woman said. "Ah, Clarke. I have heard a lot about you."

Lexa swore she could hear Clarke trying to swallow something down her throat. "Nothing too bad I hope."

But the woman just laughed. "Absolutely not. I'm actually thrilled to meet the girl that apparently has Lexa walking around the office with a goofy grin on her face." And then it was Clarke's turn to laugh as Lexa could feel a twinge of red fill her cheeks. She had no idea where Magnolia would get that from. There was no way she was walking around like a grinning fool at the office, was there?

She felt a little uneasy with the wicked grin that Gustus gave in her direction. "I hope that small bit of information doesn't embarrass you, Lexa. Because the stories I plan to tell this lovely lady about you are all much worse than that."

Lexa groaned, though it was hard to be upset when she saw the smile that lifted Clarke's features. Okay, so maybe it was possible that she had been walking around like a happy sap at the office all week. But how could she not knowing exactly what would be waiting for her back at home.

"Well, please take a seat," Clarke said motioning to the chairs across from them. "And don't spare any details."

So Lexa had been right and she had been wrong. It was true, it didn't look like Clarke had any reason to be nervous. Unfortunately it looked like Lexa did. "Well this should be an interesting night," she found herself muttering below her breath before she lifted her arm to get their waiter's attention.

It appeared this night called for alcohol, and plenty of it.

\----------

"Did you know that forty percent of the people in our tribe are all in some way employed by Grounder Incorporated? There isn't a better leader for our people than the woman beside you, Clarke." Gustus stuck out his chest boisterously, clearly proud of the brunette.

Lexa in turn just rolled her eyes. "He acts as if that was all my doing."

"It's true though," Gustus explained. "Lexa has always been a natural born leader. It's in her blood."

Clarke could hear Lexa scoff before taking another sip of her whiskey. "Hardly. Leading was a skill I learned over time."

But this seemed to make Magnolia laugh. "Over time, dear? What about that time you led that child revolt at the hospital when you were seven?"

Clarke's ears perked as she heard Lexa slightly choke on her drink as Gustus let out a full laugh saying, "Oh, yes, I almost forgot. The Ton DC Memorial Uprising of 2001!"

Clarke could see a hint of red fill the tops of Lexa's cheeks but she was also smiling, remembering something about the event. "I'm pretty sure that I'm still banned from that hospital."

"Is someone going to tell me what happened during the uprising?" Clarke asked, wanting desperately to hear the story.

Clarke found that she very much liked being around the two people that Lexa had referred to as her second set of parents. They were happy and generally fun to be around. And they seemed to pull this calmness out of the Commander that she didn't get to see a whole lot during the school year, though it was a calmness she was beginning to see more and more over the last several days.

They had started off the evening talking about their three children, the youngest of which just recently started attending school, the oldest now trying out for baseball at his high school. From there the topic of conversation had turned to stories about Lexa's mother and step father which seemed to make Lexa's eyes glow which then made Clarke's heart race. But the best part of the night so far had been when the two began talking about how Lexa had been as a child.

It was a part of Lexa completely untouched by the tragedy of the accident that tore her world apart. Though Clarke knew that didn't mean that she didn't realize that as a child, Lexa still had heartache. She had to grow up without her father having been around and had to at some point dealt with the death of her grandfather. But still, this young version of Lexa had seemed so resilient, so hungry for life. And Clarke found herself wishing that she had known Lexa as a kid just so that she could have witnessed it.

"Well," Magnolia began, "it all started when Lexa fell out of a tree and broke her arm."

Lexa shook her head. "I was pushed out of the tree by Indra's brother! I would never just fall out of a tree." She said it as if she were offended by the insinuation. "Trikru do not just fall out of trees," she huffed for good measure.

"Fine, then you were pushed out of a tree. Either way, Lexa's mother rushed her to Ton DC Memorial to get it fixed and they decided that they wanted to monitor her overnight."

"The biggest mistake they could make," added Gustus with a full smile.

"What," Clarke asked, "were you afraid to stay at the hospital, Lex?" The thought of little Lexa being afraid of a hospital was entertaining to Clarke as she herself was fairly comfortable in them after being there often as a child where her mother worked.

"No, she was actually looking forward to it," Gustus said with a large grin and Clarke looked at Lexa confused. There was being okay in hospitals but there was absolutely no one that enjoyed staying in them.

"Well, Griffin, what you may not know about me is that my favorite food in the world is ice cream." It was something she hadn't known that she would have to file away for later. "And Indra had recently gotten her tonsils removed and when she was in the hospital all they gave her to eat was ice cream."

Clarke laughed and she had a pretty good idea what little Lexa's thought process had been. "You thought that staying at the hospital meant that you would be getting ice cream meals."

Lexa just glared into space as if she were glaring into something from the past. "Those bastards tried to give me chicken nuggets and peas! Then they tried to give me Jello for dessert. And while Jello is a descent dessert, is no match for ice cream."

"Don't tell me you attacked a nurse."

It was Gustus who responded, a proudness in his voice. "As the story goes, which mostly came from hospital staff, your girl there refused to come clean, Lexa went around recruiting every able bodied child on the pediatric floor and gave them this speech about how it was their divine right to have ice cream in hospitals. That the hospital was hiding their ice cream downstairs in the kitchen and that they had to fight for their ice cream."

Magnolia continued. "Once she successfully brainwashed," Lexa rolled her eyes at the word, "twenty kids she hatched a plan to break out of the peds floor and downstairs to the kitchen."

"Not that the kitchen was downstairs," Lexa mumbled, looking annoyed at the memory as she took another sip of whiskey. Clarke just laughed, not really sure whether or not she could believe the truth in this story. It sounded absolutely absurd.

"Are you saying you made it downstairs, Lex?" The question pulled Lexa back to the present and Clarke watched her wink in her direction. It was cute and she could feel her heart momentarily skip a beat.

"Her along with five of her 'warriors'. Now this part we were shown through hospital video footage," Gustus recalled. "There were five kids that were used as decoys who immediately began fighting with each other, pulling the nurses at the desk away. A group of three kids immediately went to unplug all of the phones. Why was that Lexa?"

Lexa smirked. "The brilliant mastermind of this plan, whoever she was, didn't want the nurses to be able to call for reinforcements."

Magnolia laughed. "In the video you could see Lexa hitting the elevator button down, something she was able to get to now that there was no one manning the desk. When the elevator doors opened, Lexa and five other kids-"

"Warriors" Gustus corrected with a wink to Lexa who grinned happily.

"Lexa and the five other warriors jumped in. Lexa then furiously began pressing the button for the bottom floor while the nurses, finally realizing what had happened began to make their way to the elevator to stop them."

"But Lexa had foreseen this."

"It wasn't me," the brunette maintained but the grin on her face told Clarke that it had been.

"Right," Magnolia played along with an eye roll, "someone had foreseen it and had stationed seven kids in one of the rooms between the nurses and the elevator and all seven kids lunged out at the nurses, tackling them to the floor while the elevator doors closed."

Gustus shook his head a bit in disbelief of what he had seen. "All the while all the kids on the pediatric floor, including the ones who refused to go along with this hair-brained idea began chanting 'Ice Cream or Death' which was how I knew it was Lexa who was the one leading the revolt."

"Speculation!" Lexa cried with a laugh and Clarke found herself laughing with her. It was unbelievable but somehow Clarke could picture all of it in her mind.

"The six of us then charged out of the elevator, all in separate directions so that we would have a better chance of finding the ice cream they were clearly keeping from us. I was the last kid to be captured." Lexa said it with a satisfied grin.

"Did you ever find the ice cream?" Clarke asked, in awe of the girl beside her. She had to give it to her. She had known what it was that she had wanted and she went for it.

Lexa's smile disappeared and fell to that of a pout. "No, and my mother banned me from eating ice cream for two months." She shook her head muttering something that sounded like "cruel and unusual punishment." Which had the entire table roaring in laughter. Clarke could feel the wetness on her face where tears were streaming down her cheeks.

When the laughter finally died down Gustus let out a long breath. "It was then that I knew that Lexa had a gift, an ability to convince people to follow her into battle. It's why Lexa really should be Heda to our people and not Timothy."

Clarke could feel Lexa's hand in hers squeeze lightly as the features on her face stiffened, clearly killing the joyousness on her face. "Gustus," she warned but it didn't stop the man from continuing.

"No, Lexa, it's true. And I'm not the only one who believes it. That forty percent you employ, they would all follow you. Hell, a majority of the people we don't employ see you as a leader, just like your Grandfather."

"Gustus," Magnolia warned next, a weary eye on Lexa.

"She would be a better leader than Wilhelm," he added assertively as he turned to look at his wife.

He was silenced by a loud thud and a clinking of tableware which made three people at the table jump. Lexa's fist was still fisted against the table beside her drink where she had slammed it down onto the white linen. The look on Lexa's face was fierce. Her eyes danced wickedly in the candlelight from the table's light source and Clarke could almost see the cogs in her mind turning, forcing her words to come out as merely a growl and not a yell.

"To speak that way of your Heda is close to treason. I highly caution you to not do so in my presence. In fact, I highly recommend that you not do it at all."

But it didn't dissuade the man who looked as if he could easily pick up the girl and toss her across the room, though Clarke did notice a slight glint of fear in his eyes. "So you agree that he is isn't _your_ Heda."

Clarke watched Lexa's mouth snap shut and the muscles in her neck grow taut. Her muscles seemed to work in her jaw as she contemplated her mistake of referring to Wilhelm as 'your' Heda instead of 'our'. And Clarke watched as a sea of emotion flew across her eyes though her facial features had not changed and maintained an heir of stoicism.

There was anger, pain, sadness, desperation and longing all within her eyes and they all danced in milliseconds. Clarke wondered if anyone else could see it, if they could tell. But she highly doubted that they could. She could think back to all those days at practice when she thought the Commander cold and uncaring. Her teammates knew it not to be true due to her actions off the field. Clarke now knew it to not be true because of the feelings hidden in her eyes that she could now read.

"Wilhelm is the leader of Trikru and the Commander of the twelve clans." Clarke could almost see a look of displeasure on the girl's face when she had said 'commander', and the blonde had to admit, she so greatly associated the title with Lexa now and hearing it used for someone else off the Commander's lips felt unpleasant. "While I may be biased, I do not feel that he is the Heda that my grandfather once was. But that is neither here nor there nor does it speak of our Heda's effectiveness towards our people. It merely means that I doubt anyone could lead as well as Alexus."

Clarke could feel both a sense of wonderment and shock flooding her senses. Lexa had told her so much about her mother and Titus but she seldom spoke much of her grandfather, whom she apparently had been named after. When he was brought up in conversation it was clear from Lexa's words that she adored him deeply. And from the things she said of him, she expected that he was a man of importance in the community. What she didn't know was that he was once the leader of her people. And it became clear that Gustus wanted Lexa to take over where her grandfather left off. It was spelled out clearly with the next thing that he said.

"Except for you, Alexa. I believe you could be a better leader than even he." He spoke the words softly, encouragingly. But the use of her name made Lexa flinch as if the words sprang out and slapped her across the face.

"And what is it you expect of me, Gustus?" It was a question that Lexa did not give the man time enough to answer. "Do you believe that I should be home with Indra right now, standing beside her so that on Friday I can put in my intent to be chosen as a wife to my third cousin?" The words dripped of malice and her features twisted as if the words themselves were distasteful.

Gustus looked taken aback, though there was no horror on his face. "I would never suggest such a-"

"Just because I am not present much in our lands it does not mean that I do not hear what many have been suggesting." She said it with such an accusation that the man's head fell towards his lap. "Let me make this clear to you and you can make it clear to whoever brings it up to you again. I will not lead our people being the blushing bride on the arm of that..." It seemed like diplomacy and respect for their culture dissuaded Lexa from finishing her sentence where she would have likely called the next Heda in line for the throne something insulting.

"I am not among those that believe that the thickening of blood is necessary." Clarke wasn't sure what Gustus had meant and why marrying her third cousin had anything to do with thickening blood. But she felt herself getting sick over the idea of Lexa marrying someone else, especially someone who she had been related to, even if far removed.

At that Lexa laughed, a cynical laugh filled with hurt. "Could a thickening of blood be possible when mixed with a half-blooded mutt such as myself?"

Clarke flinched at the insult that Lexa had used against herself and she could feel her heart wrench around it. Gustus' eyes in response grew dark and anger again began to overtake his features.

"No one calls you that, Lexa."

But the girl let out a huff and pulled her hand out of Clarke's so that she could cross her arms against her chest as the leaned back lazily in her chair. The instant it was gone, Clarke could feel a cold drift in her hand which mirrored the coolness she could almost feel in her blood. She looked across the table at Magnolia and as their eyes met she had this feeling that this conversation was not meant to be overheard by either woman. But neither excused themselves from the table, they just sat there in silent pain.

"No? When Alexus was leader did he not give the order to have Wilhelm receive ten lashes for such claims in his presence at one of the council meetings?"

One of Gustus' eyes momentarily twitched. "I don't know where you heard that from, Lexa, but he was whipped for lack of protocol." But his voice was strained, enough to suggest that what he said had been a lie.

Lexa bit back. "Like I said, Gustus, while I may not be there it does not mean that I do not hear. That break in protocol charge was given based on a technicality that had been overlooked for decades. He enacted it due to the (then) ambassador's description of me as they discussed whether or not I should be allowed to have my own second." The next part said conveyed a look of pain. "My grandfather unjustly gave out his sentence due to his feelings of the heart. To rule with one's heart is a weakness and was a momentary stain on his reign."

There was a thundering sound as Gustus then hit the table, nearly twice as hard as Lexa had. Clarke and Magnolia both jumped and it appeared that everyone at the neighboring tables turned around to look at the commotion. Lexa didn't move an inch.

"You will not speak ill of Alexus' reign as high commander!"

"And you will not speak ill of the current high commander or his son!" Lexa leaned forward across the table almost as if she were deepening her threat.

But Gustus was defiant. "We would be better off if you challenged a conclave against the current leadership." He referred to the men as leaders and not by their titles, but that wasn't what had Lexa looking disgusted.

"So you wish to move from talking of things that could be considered treason to things that we actually know are considered treason?" Lexa was shaking her head and Clarke reached out to put a hand on Lexa's shoulder to calm her, but the brunette shrugged out of her touch the moment her hand landed. The dejection was not lost on Clarke whose heart now felt like it was plummeting from her chest.

Lexa and Gustus glared at each other before Gustus responded to her in Trigedasleng and then the entire conversation was completely lost on Clarke when Lexa responded in kind. And the back and forth was now in a language that Clarke could not understand. Though she could pick out words here and there, none of it made sense.

With each retort made she watched as Lexa's stoic demeanor began to fade and the anger dancing like fire in her eyes began showing on her face. And Gustus appeared just as angry, though he would often flinch under Lexa's glare before returning one of his own. And Lexa? Well, she never flinched or faltered once.

It was a conversation had in a way that Clarke would never place between a kid and their parent but rather that of two headstrong leaders, both unwilling to bend. It was angry and apparently it was becoming unscrupulous as five minutes into the tirade, Magnolia herself flinched and a pain filled her expression which was the only thing that pulled Lexa away from her argument.

She watched with wide eyes as the older woman let our a soft cry and Clarke could feel Lexa's demeanor drop as anguish filled her eyes, recognition of what was said finally registering in her mind. And it was then that Gustus' face fell and he turned away as if unable to look at his wife. And Clarke sat there, not knowing what was going on.

"Magnolia," Lexa began but she trailed off. The name came out sad and apologetic but the apology did not come. The look on Lexa's face said that an apology would not be enough for whatever it was that was said. Instead Lexa stood abruptly and excused herself from the table, walking towards the front doors. And Clarke sat there motionless for a moment, still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. It was half a minute later that Lexa's leaving registered and Clarke quickly stood up, placing her napkin on the table to chase after the brunette. But before she could take a step, a warm hand gripped fully around her forearm.

"It would be wise to leave her alone." Gustus' voice was low and filled with regret. And Clarke considered what he had said, weighing the cost in her mind of going and staying. But it was Magnolia that helped her make her decision.

She had leaned over and placed her own hand on her husband's forearm that had been attached to Clarke's. Her voice was soft and empty of the pain that she had just felt. "When has love ever been wise?" And Clarke silently thanked her as she made up her mind and went to find the girl she just may be falling in love with.

She found Lexa leaning against the wall with her head in her hands, looking as if she were trying to hold back a flood of tears and barely succeeding. Though she was succeeding. Her shoulders were slumped and her hands were shaking. "Lex?" Clarke's voice filled the silence around them and she watched Lexa quickly straighten and wash her face with a mask void of emotion.

Clarke was a mix of emotions, sadness and anger predominant as she watched the girl she cared about, the girl she shared a bed with, attempting to hide her feelings from her. How could they easily share their bodies with one another and Lexa not feel the need to share her pain? What was worse was Clarke wasn't even sure what the reason behind the pain was. All she had were snippets of conversation to sort through and she didn't want to jump to conclusions.

"I'm fine, Clarke. Let's just go back inside." The Commander made a move to pass her to head back inside but Clarke stayed glued to where she was, gripping tightly at Lexa's bicep, not allowing her to move. They stood there shoulder to shoulder, each facing a different direction but both pairs of eyes on Clarke's tightly clenched hand grabbing onto green fabric.

When Clarke spoke her words were shaky. "Please don't do this, Lex." Lexa looked at her confused, "Don't block me out." She knew the pain in her face was as prominent as the dark cloud now filling the Commander's features.

"I don't want to talk about it," her voice was strained but again lacked the emotion that clearly sat behind the words and it felt as if a imaginary hand had been holding Clarke's heart and now it was squeezing tight. It felt hard to breathe.

She let out a shaky breath and looked up into Lexa's eyes which stared back, the green almost haunting. "I'm not asking you to talk. I'm just asking you to let me be here with you. To let me be here for you."

She had no idea what Lexa had been expecting her to say, but whatever it was, that hadn't been it. She saw the internal struggle in her eyes as her mind seemed to fight against itself. They stood there unmoving for a few minutes until Lexa slowly nodded, a look of sorrow now engulfing the girl. "Can we just go home?"

Home. It was the way she had said it that made Clarke's heart melt. She didn't say **_my_** home. She said it as if the holy sanctuary belonged to the both of them. And perhaps, for this week, it did.

The ride home was silent as Clarke held tightly onto Lexa's hand as the Commander's features let on a play of conflicting emotions. And Clarke witnessed them all without the need to focus on them. She allowed her grip to anchor the brunette down to earth. She could not only see the emotions but they seemed to overtake her as well as she attempted to be the port in the storm.

She could feel the anger like a burning fire engulfing her skin. She could taste the sorrow, its bitter flavor coating her now heavy tongue. She could smell the envy radiating, almost sulfuric in the bridge of her nose. The disgust was eerily silent. But the silence wasn't quiet and instead almost sounded like ringing in her ears. And she could see the swell of emotions as they passed between one another on Lexa's features.

When they got home, neither said a word. They instead both got ready for bed. Clarke put on a pair of boxer shorts and a white tank top with nothing underneath while Lexa stripped down to her green boy shorts and the loose fitting sleeveless shirt Clarke had first seen her in at this apartment.

Clarke got into bed and laid on her back, looking up at the brunette who seemed almost defeated while she stared down at the girl in her bed, almost lovingly beneath all the other emotions that plagued her. What happened next was beyond anything Clarke could have imagined.

Lexa curled up against her side, with her head in the crook of Clarke's neck, her hand gripping tightly at her shirt and her leg draped around the blonde's waist. And then Clarke could feel Lexa's body shaking and she felt a wetness on her neck. It took only a moment to realize that Lexa was crying and again Clarke could feel her heart breaking as Lexa allowed her to share in her pain.

Clarke held the girl close, possibly squeezing her in her arms tighter than she should have. But the brunette did not complain. Instead she gripped onto Clarke's shirt tighter as a cry finally escaped her throat. And Clarke could then feel the tears falling down her own face as she silently cried with Lexa, holding her tight and trying to take whatever pain away from the girl that she loved as much as she could.

The girl that she loved. It was a foolish ideal. They hadn't been together for long and she knew that Lexa herself would never own up to that four lettered word. But Clarke could not deny what it was she felt as Lexa became emotionally undone in her arms. Clarke wanted nothing more than to take away her pain and protect her from the world outside of these four walls. And if all she could do was hold her, then she was going to refuse to ever let go.

And what was that if not love? Wasn't love allowing yourself to be completely open to another person, not caring about the consequences? Was it not learning to put another person's feelings before your own? Was it not the joy they felt together? The ecstasy of their intimacy? The way they laughed? The way they now cried? The way that despite all of this sadness that there was absolutely nowhere else in the world that Clarke would rather be?

They both laid there crying and holding onto one another until their eyes ran dry and their muscles ached from holding so tightly to one another. And even then Clarke did not loosen her grip until she felt the girl above her fall into a peaceful sleep, until sleep had washed over herself in a light and airy fog.

Clarke supposed that this was the most intimate night that the two of them had shared together, even more intimate when they shared their own bodies. This was them sharing their minds and baring their souls without pretense, without judgement and without fear. And nothing else existed other than Lexa and herself. Nothing besides the love that was shared between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so that just happened. I didn't plan on it, it just sorta happened. Now in no way am I looking to move this story so that Lexa resumes command of her people. It just rounds out to story of what makes Lexa who she is.
> 
> This also means that Thanksgiving with Anya and Aden has been pushed another chapter. After all that happened, how can Lexa just recover from that? I mean what was that even?! All those answers will come in the next chapter. My take on what Grounder culture would be in this modern AU. I really hope you all don't hate it.
> 
> So normally the next chapter would be out on Monday or Tuesday but I'm going to be out all weekend with some friends, partying it up in San Diego so I probably won't get to write as much as I would want to. The next one will likely be on Wednesday my time. At least this one was a longer chapter than most have been.
> 
> Thanks guys for being so wonderful. Please let me know what you think about this one. I couldn't stop myself one I started writing it. Once I finished I was completely drained. All the emotions in my head. I need to unwind.


	25. Painful History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 24 Recap:  
> In the last chapter Lexa and Clarke had dinner with Gustus and his wife. Things were going rather smoothly for the pair of couples until Trikru politics were brought up causing tempers to flare culminating in a show of emotional intimacy.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I know I said that I wouldn't post this until Wednesday but I just couldn't wait any longer. I'm getting eager to post the Thanksgving chapter which I swear on all things Lexa will be the next chapter, or at least it will start next chapter. More details in the End Notes.
> 
> I want to reiterate: in NO WAY am I turning this fic into Lexa returning to the command of her people. That isn't what this chapter is about. I wanted to try my hand at explaining what I think grounder culture would be in this modern AU. I hope you all enjoy it. 
> 
> I did try to end the chapter on a fun note, I hope it is well received!

A comforting graze against her forearm pulled Clarke out of her slumber, beaconing her back into reality. The closer she got to consciousness the better she could feel the environment around her. A soft orange light lay across her lids, the smell of wood and smoke filled her nose. There was a warmth across the right side of her body, a weight pushing against it. Something soft tickled against her throat. But when Clarke opened her eyes the first thing she saw were the dancing fingers across her arm that had woken her.

It was the first time that Lexa had woken up in her arms. Normally it was the other way around. And it made the girl above her all the more real. Clarke breathed her in deep and closed her eyes to do her best to memorize the feeling of this moment. But in cataloging, she stumbled across another memory and the night before came crashing back to her mind.

She could feel her body stiffen for just a moment when she began to worry about what Lexa's mood would be this morning but in an instant the stiffness was gone. Whether Lexa was happy or sad, it wasn't going to prevent her from being here with the girl she had decided last night that she did love. And it was that overwhelming feeling that gave her the courage to speak.

"Good morning," Clarke's voice was raspy from sleep and she swore she could feel Lexa's lips smile against her collarbone.

She could feel the brunette draw in a large breath before she replied in kind, her fingers no longer moving against her arm. They lay there unmoving for another few minutes before Clarke decided to press her luck and speak again. "How long have you been up?"

"Probably a little over an hour," Lexa replied and proceeded to let her fingers trace the veins visible through the skin of Clarke's arm.

The silence between them wasn't uncomfortable. It was actually a bit relaxing as they quietly sat there enjoying the warmth of one another, while the beginning of the sunrise filtered in through the window.

"About last night," the brunette had whispered the words but Clarke could hear it as if they thundered in her ears.

"Thank you for letting me in." Clarke decided it would be best to respond before Lexa attempted to apologize. She couldn't stand the idea of hearing 'I'm sorry' when last night meant so much.

She heard the brunette let out a long shaky breath before she felt Lexa shift against her body, soft lips pressed gently against the base of her neck in a chaste kiss. Her body hummed at the sensation. "I should explain to you what happened last night."

"You don't have to," Clarke replied. It wasn't that she didn't want to know, in fact there wasn't anything that she wanted to know more than exactly what she had missed last night. But she didn't want Lexa to tell her anything out of obligation. If she wasn't ready to talk, she could wait, she would wait. "But if you wanted to talk about it, I'm here for you, Lex."

It was silent for another few minutes before Lexa spoke again. "I'm not sure what good I did in this world to be gifted someone like you in my life." The statement made Clarke's heart soar and she couldn't help the goofy smile that she was sure was taking over her face. And she had to bite her tongue to keep from using the three little words that she had found herself wanting so much to say last night.

"I want to tell you." Her words came out slow slightly unsure and Clarke could feel the weight of Lexa's chest pushing against her ribs as she took in a deep breath. "But I feel like this is a conversation to be had over coffee and muffins."

Clarke smiled, though she knew Lexa couldn't see it where she was snuggled in against Clarke's neck. "Sugar really should be our main source of breakfast consumption," and Lexa laughed, running vibrations across the blonde's body.

Clarke watched as Lexa stood up from the bed, reaching high into the air to stretch and Clarke couldn't help but admire her body. Strong, lean muscles covering her somewhat lithe frame. And as she stretched, the muscles beneath her skin seemed to dance as if waking up from sleep themselves. She swore she could have watched Lexa stretch her body all day. Perhaps she could convince the Commander to take up yoga. And then proceed to convince her to take the spot in class directly in front of her. A girl could dream, right?

Clarke smiled wider as the brunette left the room in exactly the same outfit she had fallen asleep in, not bothering to add anymore layers of clothing. So Clarke followed suit even though the air was fairly cool and she was sure the girls were making themselves known. She somehow figured that Lexa wouldn't really mind.

They moved around the kitchen as if they were dancing between one another, fluidly moving from space to space grabbing mugs, pouring coffee, grabbing milk, finding plates. They did it all in silence, not once bumping into one another as if they knew the route their partner would take. It was as if they had done this a million times before. And when they took their seats on the couch, Clarke noted that they were sitting in the exact same spots, in the exact same positions as they had been when Lexa had told Clarke about the accident. Would this couch become their safe haven where secrets were told and confessions were made?

"Do you know much about Trikru culture and beliefs?" Lexa started but Clarke just shook her head no. She was from a small town where the only religion muttered was that of Christianity and there really hadn't been any reservations near where she had grown up. She never got to experience the culture, never got to drink in the stories.

"It was once believed that all the people of earth, which I'm sure at the time was just North America, were people of peace who lived to serve the mother of earth and sky, Nomon Meika. And the people of our cultures thrived until one particularly harsh winter that lasted for years rather than just a season. And the people of the earth began to suffer. So Nomon Meika, fearing for her people, split her spirit into thirteen spirits who were sent down to earth to return us all to peace and prosperity.

"The splitting of her being was so violent that she herself ceased to exist beyond her thirteen selves. And in the explosion of the separation, beams of light were scattered across the night sky which makes up the stars we see today. Or at least, that's how the story goes, which is why all clans tend to pay homage to the earth during the evening, when we can all look upon the stars - all that remains of Nomon Meika."

Clarke unknowingly brought her legs onto the sofa and crossed them in front of her as she leaned into the story, transfixed on the mythology of it all. "Each of the thirteen spirits all took knowledge from Nomon Meika and each specialized in knowledge of the land that together would bring us all everlasting prosperity. There was a spirit for the woods, for the snow, for the ocean, for the desert, for the sky, for the mountain, for the rivers, for the plains, and several others.

"But the more the spirits stood amongst the people, the more they changed, eventually forming into humans but still maintaining their spirits. And in becoming human, they began to take on human traits such as jealousy, love, envy and anger and soon the spirits could no longer stand to be around one other, each deciding it best if they split up the earth into thirteen lands so that we could all flourish separately.

"They began to lead the people of their lands, becoming Commanders, Hedas. And each began living human lives, eventually falling in love and having children. But love, while all powerful was also all consuming and took away from them their immortality. In order to have children, they had to strip away a portion of their eternal spirit to become more human. The Heda's spirit was split in two and the second half of the spirit was then placed into the eldest child during their birth. And as they were now half human, there was no longer a need to give away any more of their spirit to have other children.

"When the first Heda died, their spirit rekindled itself into the eldest child who then took command of their people becoming the next Heda. And while it was a beautiful legacy, passing on one's self into the next life, it was also mortifying for the other spirits who saw what it was that they had become: mortal. And they feared that soon death would come for them. It made them paranoid and they began believing that their sibling spirits would attempt to take their lives and absorb their essence. And that was how the world came to be at war.

"The clans fought against one another, and the spirits soon realized that they all needed to have children in order to keep their own spirit safe. In the event that they were to die, their half spirit would automatically be drawn to their other half as this bond is the strongest known to man. So as wars waged, Commanders would place their half spirits into their first born offsprings."

"And when the eldest children died before the Commander?" Clarke asked, completely engrossed in the story, trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together.

"If the Commander was still alive, a ritual would be done to place the spirit in their second child. And if one did not exist, they would place the spirit in their next of kin whether that be a brother, a sister or a cousin. Commanders tended to have large families to ensure that their spirt could be placed in someone who shared the thick blood of the Spirit.

"Now, if the Commander and child are both killed then the spirit could be taken by whoever performed the ceremony to take the full spirit. Which is why there are no longer thirteen clans, but now twelve."

"Another clan took the spirit of the thirteenth clan?"

Lexa nodded, a heaviness in her eyes. "The Trikru took the thirteenth spirt of the sky and merged it with the spirit of the trees. And it was the only time a merging of spirits ever occurred in our people's history. It made us stronger, it made other clans fear us. And not long after that, strangers entered the land. We know this now to be the European settlement of North America but all our people knew was that these strangers were taking over our lands and killing all of our people. In a move of self preservation, an alliance between the twelve clans was made and the Trikru Heda, my great great great Grandmother, Alexandria, became the high Commander, Heda of the twelve clans. All other commanders were stripped of their titles and became Chiefs."

Clarke stared at Lexa wide eyed, finally seeing the connection between Lexa and the leader that Gustus had demanded that she be. Her family had ruled their people for more generations than she knew and for five generations as the Commanders of the twelve clans.

"It was my great grandmother who, when she became Heda at nineteen, decided to broker peace with the strangers who now called themselves Americans and we have had ninety nine years of fractured but resilient peace."

"So did your mother have an older sibling and that's why Anya isn't Heda and Wilhelm is?" Clarke could remember that Lexa's grandfather had been Commander so the spirit must have resided in the eldest child. But as she tried to piece together a family tree, she saw a look of sadness cross Lexa's features. Apparently this was the part of the story where things got personal for the brunette. And Clarke reached out to grab her hand, trying to remind the Commander that she was still there.

"My mother was an only child, therefore she received half of the spirit of my grandfather. She was chosen to lead our people but it was not a life that she wanted and so she ran away from our people and took an unsanctioned American as her partner. Anya's birth signaled the end of our family's ability to carry on the spirit. It was believed that my grandfather took the spirit back from my mother after she left their lands and that is why Anya did not have the spirit in her.

"Anya looks very much like our father and that was proof enough for our people that the spirit did not live in her. Apparently the spirit has a very strong gene mutation that makes all of the Trikru Commanders look eerily similar. It was decided that my grandfather's cousin would take the full spirit when he passed away.

"At first there was fear that someone would try and kill my grandfather to take his spirit and merge it with another, but my grandfather was loved by all for the exception of the Ice Nation tribe. In fact, my mother had been promised to the son of their chief at the time to build a bridge of peace. I think that is why my mom ran. It's ironic then that Anya married one of the grandchildren of that same Ice Nation leader, the youngest son."

Lexa paused to take a deep breath and she took a sip of her coffee. Clarke watched the emotions on her face like she was struggling on how to explain what happened next. When she continued, there was a sadness to her voice. "So for seven years, the tribe accepted Wilhelm as the next in line for Heda and he prepared as such. And while my grandfather was upset, he was accepting of the situation. It was my birth that seemed to stir the pot."

Clarke looked up confused as Lexa went over to the desk that sat in the corner of the room, which Clarke had used on occasion to do her homework, and reached into the drawer, shuffling papers before she withdrew a small photo. Her hand was shaking when she handed it over and Clarke reached for it carefully. It was a picture of Lexa wearing a brown tunic, her tribal tattoo visible on her arm, black paint smeared across her eyes that made her look fierce. The photo itself looked as if it had weathered generations.

"That was my great grandmother."

Clarke looked up at the brunette, certain that she was lying but when she looked into her eyes there was no humor to be seen. And so she took a look at the picture again, looking for some sort of difference between the the woman in the photo and Lexa. All there was, was a scar that seemed to run down the jaw of the girl in the photo.

"Many people believed that the spirit had looked down favorably on my grandfather for the way he so greatly protected his people that it bestowed him a gift by placing the sky spirit into me. But a majority of the tribe elders believe this to be blasphemous and to speak of it is treasonous. But it didn't stop my grandfather from teaching me how to lead our people. He asked for permission to put me through training, which Wilhelm fought desperately. But out of respect for my grandfather, the elders agreed on the stipulation that I knew it meant nothing."

"So when you mentioned people wanting you to marry your cousin, they believed that your child would maintain both spirits?" Clarke asked the question but she already knew the answer. She could see the logic, though the thought disgusted her to no end. And it seemed to do the same to Lexa who nodded with a painful look on her face.

"It's more than just the spirit," Lexa continued. "The commanders of the Trikru, ever since they had taken over the spirit of the sky, have all been blessed with tar colored blood. Wilhelm and his son both have darker color blood than most, but not nearly as dark as mine which is another reason why they believe the spirit to be within me."

At this Clarke gave Lexa an incredulous look. She was the child of a doctor and the idea of Lexa having black colored blood was absolutely ridiculous, but Lexa had stated it as a fact. And while Clarke had an urge to tell the brunette to prove it to her, she knew better of it. "Your uncle mentioned a conclave?"

Lexa sighed, and Clarke watched her run a hand through her wavy locks. "When I was twelve, Indra ran across this chapter in our clan's bylaws that spoke of a conclave that would allow for the challenge of Heda by someone of equal blood. The challenger would go through a series of tests to prove themselves worthy before they fought in a hand to hand battle with the Heda they were challenging for power. The hand to hand battle would be that to the death, the only way to make the spirit available to the challenger if the spirit decided the Heda unworthy. But that was meant for a time where such things were not taboo. I'm not really sure how that would work now in this modern world.

"I always assumed that it was Gustus that pointed Indra in the direction of the bylaw, but last night confirmed it. And from the age of twelve to fifteen I trained for it. I planned to right the wrongs my mother had placed upon our family and take my rightful place."

"What happened at fifteen?" Clarke asked, trying to figure out what had changed in Lexa's life. The accident happened months after she turned sixteen.

"I met Costia." And Clarke froze, not entirely sure she wanted to hear about Lexa loving someone else, even if it had been in her past. But she said nothing and Lexa continued. "If I became Heda I would have been expected to have children on my own, with a husband. My culture is oddly very open to our people being homosexual. To them, love is love. It is all a weakness, no one type is right, no one type is wrong. But as the leader of my people I would be subject to more strict standards. And at twelve I knew I was gay but I didn't know what love was so I figured having an arranged marriage to an acceptable male would not matter."

"But when you met Costia you found out what it was like to be in love with someone," Clarke finished.

"I think a part of Indra hoped that I would return to my training after Costia had died, but I couldn't bring myself back there. I had fallen for Costia and it had made me weak. And she made me realize that I could not lead my people not being next to someone that I loved and my people deserve a better leader than that, though Indra still hopes."

Clarke could feel an anger surging inside of her chest at the mention of it. She understood wholeheartedly the idea of self sacrifice, but to ask someone you cared about to sacrifice themselves was beyond anything she could imagine. But just as easily as Clarke could read Lexa, it appeared that Lexa was able to read the anger on Clarke's face and she squeezed Clarke's fingers in an attempt to pull her out of it.

"Indra has been my second since we were children. It is her duty to serve a Commander as much as it may have been my duty to become one. And part of her duty was supposed to be to keep me on the straight and narrow, which was how she could contribute to serving our people."

Clarke tried to understand but she couldn't. At least she could start to feel the anger melting away as she remembered Indra's name being brought up last night. "You said Indra is putting her intent to marry Wilhelm's son?"

And Lexa nodded, though now an anger seemed to fill her features. Though maybe it was less anger and more disgust. "I told her that I wasn't going to become Heda during our last fight so she is doing what she believes she should to serve our people. My deepest hope is that Wilhelm realizes how close she is to me and dismisses her. Timothy doesn't know his ass from his elbow and she would be miserable married to him."

Clarke had to admit, that while she was still angry at Lexa's life long friend, she had to admire her strength and devotion to her people. Clarke didn't believe that she would ever be able to bring herself to do something like that for the sake of someone else.

"So Gustus basically told you that you were letting down your people by doing nothing last night?"

"In a nutshell," Lexa responded. "In his mind I am choosing myself over my people. But I can do so much more for my people running Grounder Incorporated. I am able to employ people, to build for our community. I sacrifice for my people, just in a different way. He needs to accept my decision. I'm not choosing to not be Heda because I don't want to fulfill my duties, I'm choosing not to because it is what's best for my people."

Lexa appeared to succumb that that last statement as the leaned forward and Clarke immediately responded by pulling Lexa into her arms. Lexa's breath was hot against her throat as strands of runaway hair tickled her chin. She didn't seem sad as much as she seemed mentally exhausted.

Clarke would have never guessed that Lexa had had such an intricately woven history, even sitting beside her now it was hard to fathom the childhood she had experienced. She was both blessed and cursed it seemed. She was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and a golden dagger against her throat. Clarke's life seemed very dull and easy in comparison.

"And what was it that you said that made Magnolia flinch like that?" She had thought about not asking, but her curiosity had gotten the best of her. Curiosity killed the cat, curiosity also brought it back.

"I told Gustus that just because he never married the woman he loved, it didn't mean that I wasn't allowed to either." A silence washed over them as Clarke's heart wretched for the kind woman that had sat across from her for nearly two hours the night before. She was sweet and welcoming and deserved better than for the girl she treated like family to say something like that to her.

"He doesn't love Magnolia?" She remembered the way that Gustus had been unable to look at his wife when Lexa had said it.

Lexa sighed. "He does, he loves her very much, just not the way he loved my mother."

"Your mother?" Clarke's head was beginning to spin. Lexa's life was beginning to look a lot like one of the soap operas that she and her mother used to watch when she was a child and both were home sick with colds during weekdays.

"Apparently after my mom was told about the arranged marriage between her and the Ice Nation prince, my mom asked Gustus to run away with her. They had been best friends since they were in diapers and they both seemed to love each other very much, but Gustus refused to leave. He chose his obligations over his heart. He married Magnolia just before I was born, it was arranged by his parents."

Clarke was beginning to see a pattern with Lexa's story and it centered around love not being important to Lexa's people. She had referred to it on multiple occasions as weakness. And a part of her heart broke knowing that there was a good chance that they had distorted the brunette's idea of what love is, of what love could be. And more than ever she knew she needed to keep the words 'I love you' in her head and not let them escape her lips. What she did say was, "I'm glad you're not marrying Timothy."

And at that Lexa laughed, it was the first happy sound she had heard all morning as it seemed to cut through the seriousness of the conversation. "Me too. I'm not sure I would be happy if the only boobs I got to touch for the rest of my life were my own."

And at that Clarke laughed, shaking her head over the brunette's obsession. "Would you be able to live with marrying a woman and only having one other chest to touch for the rest of your life besides your own?"

At this, Lexa sat up and gave Clarke this faux look as if she were pondering the question long and hard. "They would have to be pretty amazing boobs."

"And how are mine?" Clarke asked before she could stop herself from saying it. She didn't mean to suggest that she was thinking about marrying Lexa, that was the furthest thing from her mind. Okay, so not the furthest thing but they weren't even officially dating yet. One step at a time.

At least the question didn't scare off the Commander who took this as an opportunity to stare at Clarke's chest with her hand on her chin. Clarke could feel heat rushing to her cheeks and running south as well the longer she stared. "They are pretty damn amazing. I mean, look at them, they've been trying to get my attention all morning."

Clarke was positive that the redness in her face had probably reached her ears at this point. Yes, the seriousness of the morning was gone and it was all thanks to boobs. For someone so complex, it seemed like Lexa enjoyed the very basics of life. And that was something that Clarke was more than thankful for.

"You really are a complete dork, you know that?"

But Lexa just gave her a small grin. "I'm suave as fuck and you know it, Griffin."

Clarke just shook her head, torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to kiss the brunette. "You suave? You've got to be dreaming, Woods."

And at that a devilish smirk crossed Lexa's features that filled the area between her legs with warmth. "You already know what I dream about, Clarke. Care to finally make that one a reality?"

Images of Lexa's dream flooded Clarke's vision and she attempted to swallow the knot now forming in her throat. What she should have said was 'yes' and followed Lexa into the bedroom. What she said instead was "Isn't your sister going to be here in like three hours? Don't we need to start getting our meal ready?"

Stupid. Stupid. Why the fuck did she say that? Clarke wanted to kick herself the moment Lexa realized that Clarke was right and a sad pout filled her lips.

"Tonight?" Clarke asked.

And Lexa smiled.

Great, now how was Clarke going to be able to think about anything else the rest of the day? Thinking about that in front of Anya seemed ill advised. "Tonight!" Lexa agreed and a playful smile overtook her pout. "Now call me crazy but I think we would save time and precious earth resources if we both just showered together, like right now."

They definitely didn't save any time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was my take on Grounder culture and I hope it adds a little insight as to what it is that Lexa grew up believing as a child, the beliefs that molded her into adulthood. And I hope you don't mind the playful way I ended the chapter. At times I think it's best to end a serious situation with a little humor. 
> 
> So the thanksgiving chapter is going to be split up into two parts. The first will be from Clarke's POV and the second will be from Lexa's. I know I've been talking about it for awhile but I think that you all will have the first one for you on either Thursday or Friday, likely Friday.
> 
> Again, I want to thank all of you for the love and support. As a thanks I want to leave it up to you guys to help me decide something. The first time Lexa gets jealous, seeing someone hitting on Clarke, whose point of view should it be from? Clarke's or Lexa's? Based on popular vote (done before the end of day Friday) that's how I'll write it. It won't be the only time Lexa gets jealous, the second time will be when they are back in school and for that I will use the other POV.


	26. Mashed Potatoes and War Paint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 25:  
> We learned a lot about Grounder culture and the type of belief system that Lexa was raised with. It was heavy and deep and in the end we all were reminded of how much Lexa loves boobs.
> 
> \---
> 
> Okay, so I said I was going to post this on Thursday (at least my time Thursday) but I couldn't wait to put out the first half of the Thanksgiving chapter. I've been bringing it up for chapters now and it has finally arrived, I'm sure some of you thought this day would never come. I really hope you all enjoy it and that the build up has been worth it. As always, I'd love to know what you all think.

Clarke looked up from cutting carrots and had to resist the urge to laugh. Lexa's nose was deep in a cooking book, reading the recipe for mashed potatoes for what seemed like the hundredth time, her mouth silently moving as they followed the Commander's moving eyes. Looking away, she grabbed the butter and attempted to cut out the exact amount necessary for the recipe, making sure to slice straight down the measured line, not a millimeter to the right or left, but dead center. And it appeared as if she were completely focused.

"Lexa, you are making mashed potatoes, not helping Raven build an explosive. You really don't need exact measurements."

Lexa looked up and glared at Clarke before straightening up and letting out a huff. "I'll have you know, this book was the highest rated holiday cookbook and if it calls for one and three quarter cups of butter, we are adding one and three quarter cups of butter." And she dropped the measured amount into the pan filled with smashed up potatoes, to emphasize her point.

Clarke rolled her eyes, seeing for the first time this one of the weird facet of Lexa's anal retentive nature. Then a smile fell onto her lips. She took a suggestive step towards the brunette who began eyeing her with uncertainty. "You know, Lex, sometimes it's fun _not_ playing by the rules." And she reached down to cut a pea sized piece of butter off the block still left on the table.

Lexa watched her hands warily. "Society needs rules to function properly." Lexa retorted as she folded her arms across her chest, eyes not leaving the piece of butter now in Clarke's palm.

"Live a little," Clarke suggested, as she put her hands behind her back, slipping the butter into her other hand as she formed two fists to hide the morsel.

"Keep that thing out of my potatoes." Lexa warned through slit eyes.

Clarke darted the hand that used to have the butter forward and like lightening Lexa grabbed onto her wrist, saving her potatoes from what Clarke assumed Lexa believed to be a complete disaster. The brunette stared at the hand caught by both of hers in triumph while Clarke put on a pout. But the minute Lexa looked as if she believed she had won, Clarke's other hand flew forward, over the pot, dropping the butter into the pan.

Lexa dropped Clarke's hand in shock and watched as the piece of butter quickly began to melt into the hot smashed up potatoes, with her jaw slack in disbelief. Clarke felt a surge of victory flow through her veins and was about to throw her fist up in accomplishment when she felt green eyes focus on her once again.

Clarke backed her way slowly out of the kitchen with her hands up in surrender, almost as if Lexa were a predator and any fast movements would cause her to attack. Both girls had mischievous grins on their faces.

"You want me to live a little?" The brunette asked slyly as she slowly stalked forward, matching Clarke's pace who was in her mind picturing the apartment space behind her and thinking of a means of escape.

"No, you're right. Society needs rule and order. So why don't we just go back to cooking. You're sister will be here in less than an hour." She hoped that the mention of Anya would pull Lexa out of her now playful mood, but no such luck.

"Society also demands punishment for those that break the law." And both girls stared at one another for a short moment before Clarke decided to cut her losses and pivoted, launching herself into the dining room. She could hear the squeak of Lexa's sneakers beneath the wood floor as she gave chase.

Clarke whirled into the living room, sweeping around the couch, circling it once and then twice, stopping behind the sofa once Lexa had stopped at the front of it, directly across from her. The two began to mirror each others' movements, bending down slightly into a predator stance. Lexa would cross her right foot over her left slowly, still facing the blonde and Clarke would do the same but left foot over right. Then Lexa would stalk the opposite direction and Clarke would again follow, completely content with using the sofa as a barrier between them.

"Make it easier on yourself and give up, Griffin."

But Clarke shook her head with a large grin on her face. "Not a chance, Woods. I can do this all day."

At that Lexa gave Clarke a huge grin before launching herself forward, stepping onto the sofa cushion and launching her body over the couch entirely, landing with a soft thud beside Clarke who, in shock, took off slower than she should have. With another run into the dining room and and by the time she again reached the living room, Lexa had caught up. She didn't make it past the couch before two strong arms wrapped themselves around Clarke's chest, catapulting her onto the sofa, Lexa on top of her.

Clarke couldn't control the spasming of her body as it wretched around the unmovable Commander whose fingers were dancing across Clarke's midsection. For a split second it was all very much reminiscent of that day in the forest, but the thought didn't stay in Clarke's mind long as she let out barks of laughter in between gasped breaths.

Clarke was torn between enjoying the feeling of Lexa on top of her with that radiating smile and between feeling as if she were about to die of asphyxiation. Pure ecstasy and pure torture all at the same time. But her bucking body did not dislodge the Commander whose hips seemed to flow with the movement, the way a bull rider might when trying to stay atop the thunderous beast.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Clarke laughingly choked between breaths as Lexa's fingers began to still, but she made absolutely no motion to get up. Instead she kept her fingers on Clarke's sides as if they were loaded guns, ready at any second to pull the trigger, a threat.

"Who's the top in this relationship?" Lexa asked with a cocked brow. Apparently she was uninterested in merely hearing Clarke call uncle.

Clarke glared at the girl on top of her. She barely got out "I" before fingers were ticking her again and Clarke was left laughing and gasping for breath.

"Who's the top?" Lexa demanded again a moment later after both girls had stilled.

Clarke had to admit, since calling Lexa a bottom that day in her office, Lexa had become more assertive in the bedroom. Not that it was contained to the bedroom. There was also the couch, the floor of Lexa's room, the shower this morning. It was as if she were on a mission to prove that she wasn't a bottom. But Clarke gave just as much as she took and lately it had been a battle for top as both girls tried desperately to prove their dominance. Which oddly enough, just turned Clarke on even more.

"I would be giving an answer under duress," Clarke exclaimed. "It would hardly be an honest one."

But the brunette just grinned. "Repeat after me. 'I, Clarke Griffin, am a bottom'." When Clarke said nothing, Lexa returned to her onslaught and didn't stop until Clarke swore she could feel her side splitting.

"Okay, okay!" And Lexa paused with a smug grin on her face. Annoyed Clarke mumbled, "I, Clarke Griffin, am a bottom."

But this didn't seem to satisfy Lexa who replied with one hand cupped over her ear. "I couldn't hear that, say it again."

Clarke grumbled and repeated louder, "I, Clarke Griffin, am a bottom."

"And a damn sexy one at that." Lexa proclaimed, leaning down to kiss the blonde and Clarke's annoyance washed away the minute their lips touched. Lexa could delude herself into believing she was a top just as long as her lips were as skillful as they were right now. And when Lexa pulled away, Clarke could feel warm breath against her ear as Lexa whispered huskily, "But tonight you can be on top. I'm looking forward to you straddling my face." And not a moment later the Commander launched herself off the blonde and retreated back into the kitchen.

Clarke laid there unable to move as all the heat in her body now seemed to rest between her thighs and her breathing became slightly erratic. For someone who seemed intent on making others follow rules, Lexa liked to play dirty. And Clarke had to lie there for another minute, trying desperately to get the image of thrusting herself into Lexa's mouth out of her mind.

Lexa had a look of complete satisfaction on her face when Clarke returned to her cutting duties in the kitchen. She had even turned on her Bluetooth speakers which were now filling soft melodies into the kitchen. Apparently there was nothing better than the thrill of victory to put Lexa in a happy mood.

Forty minutes later all the food had been prepped and placed into the oven or onto the stove where they would need to cook for another hour and a half. And as if they had planned it this way, there was a soft click followed by a woman's voice that yelled out "I hope you are both decent, because we are here."

Clarke watched Lexa roll her eyes as she called out "In the kitchen."

Not a second later there was a loud yell of "Lexi!" Before a five year old boy was running into the kitchen and launching himself into his aunt's arms.

Clarke could almost feel her heart melting as she watched the pair embrace. Lexa wrapped her arms fully around the boy from her squat position before lifting him up into the air so she could stand. The boy squeaked in joy while Lexa began running around the apartment with him in her arms, planting kisses on his cheek as his laughter filled the apartment.

"I'm Anya," a voice said from behind her and Clarke whirled around to see a beautiful woman standing beside her. Her hair was a mixture between blonde and light brown and her jaw was strong like Lexa's though her cheek bones were a bit higher. She had a soft smile on her face.

"I'm Clarke," she said, extending her hand but was surprised when the woman slapped her hand away and leaned in to give her a hug. It took Clarke only a moment to recover from the shock of it before returning the hug.

"I've heard a lot about you, Clarke," she said with a sly grin just as Lexa re-entered the kitchen with Aden still in her arms.

She gave her sister a welcoming grin before she gripped Aden just below the armpits and held the boy out at arm's length. "Look, Anya, I caught us dinner!"

The boy squealed at that, trying to worm away but Lexa would not let go. "I'm not dinner!" He proclaimed with a laugh.

Lexa just gave the boy a look of confusion. "You mean you aren't a turkey?" She asked. Then she tilted her head as if trying to study the boy. "But turkey's have legs and you have legs. You must be a turkey."

But the boy just laughed at the Commander's crazy logic. "But turkeys have feathers. I don't have feathers. I'm a boy!" He proclaimed and Lexa pretended to ponder this for a minute before nodding and setting the boy down so he was sitting on the island table.

"Well, Sis, it looks like I caught us a boy. It's a good thing Clarke and I were already cooking a turkey or else we wouldn't have had anything to eat later."

Anya just laughed shaking her head but it was Aden who looked confused at the mention of the blonde's name as Clarke felt the boys eyes now land on her as if it was the first time he had noticed her there. Apparently he had been too excited to see Lexa to notice that anyone else was in the room.

Clarke watched as Lexa nudged the boy in the side and whispered something in his ear. His eyes flickered to Lexa and then back to Clarke as a large smile spread across his face. When Lexa pulled away the boy stuck out his hand and said, "It's nice to meet you ma'am. I'm Aden."

Clarke laughed at the formal introduction before taking the boys hand and shaking it firmly. "Hi, Aden. I'm Clarke, it's nice to meet you."

It was at that moment that a phone rang and Anya groaned before reaching into her bag for her phone. But the annoyed look fell off her face the minute she stared at the screen and said "Sorry guys, I just need one minute," before walking out of the room. Clarke could hear her voice trailing as she said "Hey honey, how's your shift going?"

Clarke turned to see Aden watching his mother leave, craning his neck as if to make sure she was fully gone before he turned back to Lexa with a wicked grin on his face. "Lexa," he nearly whispered, "I learned a new word!"

At this Lexa's eyes seemed to dance to match the wickedness of Aden's smile and Clarke had a feeling that she was about to witness something that Anya would very much not approve of. "What's that?" Lexa whispered back.

Aden craned his head around again to make sure the coast was clear. His smile grew as he said, "shit!"

Clarke had just taken a swig of water and began to choke on it, not expecting that to fall out of the boys mouth. But in response Lexa straightened up and craned her own neck around the way the boy had done before responding back to him the translation is Trigedasleng, "skrish!"

The boy repeated the word several times and Clarke couldn't help but shake her head at the two of them. Lexa just shrugged, "What? He already knows the word in English, he may as well know the word in our native tongue." Then she turned to Aden. "I like that word."

"But it's not your favorite word.". And then the boy paused as if trying to remember other curse words his aunt taught him. And Clarke had to laugh as she went to take another drink of water. Apparently it was the wrong time to do so because it was then that Aden said, "Clarke, did you know Lexa's favorite thing is twat?" And in an instant Clarke was spraying water out of her mouth, much to the amusement of the five year old. And as Clarke stood there choking Lexa began to laugh and Aden exclaimed, "do that again!"

"Okay, what is going on in here?" Anya had returned to see Lexa and Aden laughing at Clarke who was still trying to get remnants of water out of her lungs.

But the two people laughing quickly straightened up at the sound of Anya's voice and with seriously guilty looks on their faces they both said "Nothing!" at the exact same time.

Anya rolled her eyes and looked at Clarke before asking, "do I really want to know?"

And Clarke shook her head responding, "no, you really don't."

Anya just sighed and shook her head before a sly smile filled her lips as she stared at her younger sister who appeared to squirm beneath the gaze. Clarke had to admit that it wasn't often that she saw Lexa look uneasy just because of a look that someone gave. It made her wonder just exactly how much she would need to fear Lexa's older sister.

"So, Lex," she said, smile growing wider, "do you remember what you told me two months ago at lunch when I asked you about bringing a pretty girl to our Thanksgiving meal?"

Clarke watched as Aden's smile grew and he seemed to get antsy as he shifted in excitement on the counter. Lexa in turn looked confused as if she were trying to pull from her mind the memory. When a second passed without answer Anya said, "You said if you brought a girl home you would, and I quote, 'finally agree to let Aden dress [you] up like a Native wearing war paint and headdress. Then we can all sit on the roof as we watch pigs fly across the skyline.'" And at that Anya pulled out a canister of black charcoal paint and handed it to her son who looked as if Christmas had come an entire month early.

Clarke watched as Lexa backed away slowly from the boy with her hands up, eerily similar to the way Clarke had done only an hour ago. "Now, now, Aden, I'm sure that there is something else I can offer you instead."

But the boy fearlessly jumped off the counter and jumped out, attaching himself to Lexa's leg as he pointed to the direction of Lexa's room and proclaimed, "to the bedroom!" And Lexa groaned giving Clarke a look that clearly asked for help but Clarke just shook her head.

With a smug grin all Clarke said was "You are the one that made the bet, Lex. You need to pay up. After all, a society needs ruled to function properly." Excited that she was able to dish out that little piece of retribution so soon after it had been recited to her.

Lexa just put her head down in faux disappointment before heading to hear room, walking with a weird gait as Aden refused to let go of Lexa's leg which his legs were wrapped around tightly, making Lexa cart him around. "I like her a lot," Anya said to Lexa's back who in response flipped off her sister, knowing that Aden couldn't see her hand and Anya laughed in response.

"Wine?" Clarke asked, as Lexa disappeared with her nephew into her room.

"God, yes!" Anya replied as both girls laughed and Clarke went to retrieve another wine glass out of the cabinet. She could feel the woman's eyes watching her from behind her back as she mused aloud, "you seem to know your way around this kitchen, Clarke."

The blonde froze momentarily before she said, "My roommate and I are here a lot after practice to study and hang out. Octavia loves serving wine when we are supposed to be doing homework." Clarke wasn't sure what Anya had heard about her and she didn't want to tell her anything that Lexa hadn't already told her about their relationship, or whatever it was this was.

Clarke laid out three glasses and poured wine into them, assuming that Lexa would want something to drink after having her face painted. Both girls picked up their glasses and swirled the red liquid around in silence before Anya took a sip and decided to break the ice. "Clarke, you seem like a bright capable girl, so I'm only going to say this to you once and then we can begin the process of becoming friends."

Clarke could feel brown eyes looking at her intently waiting for some response so Clarke nodded, oddly curious as to what the woman had to say. Anya took in a deep breath and sighed once before continuing. "Lexa has been through a lot, a lot more than I'm sure she feels comfortable telling you. And while she seems all strong and stoic, deep inside she is a great girl with a big heart. And if you do absolutely anything to break her heart, I swear to you that I will gut you in a way that you will stay alive and then tie you to a tree in the forest so that animals can eat you while you are forced to watch. Do I make myself clear?"

Clarke could feel her mouth fall open and she had to remind herself to shut it and her jaw clenched together. She took a sip of wine in order to clear the lump in her throat but the only thing she could picture was her split open body being tied to a tree and being eaten by squirrels and bears and wolves. It was altogether a horrific image and one she didn't want to ever envision again. "Clear," she was able to let out, but her voice squeaked, much to Anya's amusement.

"Great!" Anya exclaimed, as if nothing she had just said was particularly graphic with serial killer undertones. "Now, let's have a seat and you can tell me a bit about yourself." And as simple as that, Anya grabbed Clarke's hand and forced her to follow behind her as she led them both to the couch where Clarke had been pinned beneath Lexa just over an hour before. This was not at all going to be awkward, as she held back a groan. She was going to kill Lexa for leaving her unsupervised like this. But then again, she supposed that's what she deserved for not helping Lexa escape Aden's paint filled hands.

But surprisingly enough, the conversation between the two had been easy and much to Anya's credit, Clarke being gutted and strung up to a tree never came up again in conversation. The lack of threats made Anya fun to talk to and the pair had even exchanged laughs on several occasions.

They were talking about Anya's husband Roan when a small clearing of the throat caught both of their attentions. Both girls turned to see Aden with a large grin on his face, clearly pleased with himself. Once he was sure all the attention in the room was on him he spoke up. "I would like to introduce you to Commander Lexa of the twelve clans!"

He motioned to the bedroom door but no one emerged, much to the boy's displeasure. Clarke watched as he shook his head and huffed before storming back into Lexa's bedroom. About twenty seconds later he emerged again, this time behind Lexa as he was working hard to push the girl by the legs out of her room. When Clarke saw her face, she froze.

Black war paint fully covered Lexa's eyes and extended across to her hairline. There was an additional three swooping points that went from the eye line downward into Lexa's cheeks. The longest mark was the closest to the hairline, following the shape of Lexa's jawline down her cheek, ending at the same length of her lips. The other two lines got shorter the closer they got towards Lexa's nose. The pattern on each side of her face seemed to be done the same, precise even. Clarke was impressed by Aden's skill.

But that wasn't what made Clarke freeze. The black contrast of the paint made the white's of the Commander's eyes that much brighter, it made the greens in the iris that much more piercing. The woman before her looked fierce and stunning. She could almost envision her sitting on a horse wearing armor and a cloak, leading men into battle with a long sword at her side. The look made her also look all the more terrifying. And hot. There was something extremely sexy about the way Lexa held herself clad in war paint.

The Commander had looked annoyed when she had exited the room but as Lexa's gaze turned towards Clarke, the blonde knew that the brunette knew what she was thinking. She raised an eyebrow and the corner of her lip turned upward. It was a look that normally made Clarke's stomach swoon. Add the war paint and the heir or superiority that came with it? Clarke was surprised that she was still standing and that her legs hadn't given out beneath her.

Anya cleared her throat, attempting to also clear out the sexual tension now filling the room and Clarke could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. She was just happy that Aden was too young to realize what any of the tension in the room meant. He was still just happily pleased at the work he was able to complete on his helpless subject.

"After dinner, Lexa said we can play Commander and Princess," Aden stated. Looking at Clarke he said, "Lexa said we could make you the princess."

Clarke laughed, shaking her head. It had been awhile since Lexa had called her by that nickname she had dubbed her on the day they met, but it didn't annoy her the way it used to. It still didn't mean she enjoyed it though. "You got it, kid." She said with a smile.

"And what am I going to be?" Anya asked.

Aden seemed to ponder this for a minute before he said, "you can be a tree, Mom."

At that Anya scoffed as Lexa began laughing. Even Lexa laughing in that war pain was fucking sexy. How the hell was she going to make it through this dinner?

"I see how it is," Anya said, breaking Clarke out of her thoughts. "You don't think I can be cool like Lexa and Clarke, huh?"

Aden just shrugged, causing Lexa to laugh harder and Anya to glare in her sister's direction. If this was any indication on how the evening was going to be, Clarke realized that this Thanksgiving was going to be a lot of fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? It was a much lighter chapter than the last one, right? And hopefully fun? I tried to add in a few laughs a few intimate moments. The next chapter will be completely from Lexa's point of view and it will have a lot more Anya and Lexa interacting than this one did. It will also have a question that Aden asks his aunt that makes her squirm in her seat a little. All in good fun, though. I'm thinking Sunday morning it should be out.
> 
> Again, I always want to thank you all for your love and support. Your comments after I post make my day. They also make me want to write so really, it's a win win situation. Am I right?


	27. Verbal Food Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 26 Recap:  
> It was the first half of the Thanksgiving chapter, all seen out of Clarke's perspective. It started with her "ruining" the mashed potatoes and ended with Lexa in her war paint.
> 
> \---
> 
> I have to say, I'm quite pleased with how this chapter turned out. It is all done entirely out of Lexa's perspective as you get to see the way she perceives the interactions between Clarke and her family. Hopefully it comes off cute in some parts, funny in others. There are a few heartfelt memories laced in here but it hopefully won't bring down the lightheartedness of the chapter overall. Enjoy!

They sat around the table after Lexa had placed the golden brown turkey in the center. Clarke sat right beside her and Aden sat directly across with a scowl on his face, upset that Clarke got to sit next to Lexa and he didn't. He had tried to sit in the chair on the other side of Lexa but Anya had given him a sad look and said that she didn't want to sit by herself. He had seemed intent on not giving in and making his mother sit alone before Lexa leaned down and whispered promises of ice cream in his ear before he reluctantly got up and moved to the spot beside his mother. He still didn't seem pleased.

"These mashed potatoes are absolutely delicious," Anya cooed as she placed another spoonful in her mouth.

Lexa couldn't keep the smile off of her face as she glanced at the girl beside her, "I don't know, I think there may be just a tad too much butter in there."

At that Clarke let out a small laugh and lightly smacked at her arm. "I think the extra butter made it better." And Lexa just couldn't help it. The blonde was radiating with this laughing smile that just made the room brighter. And this joy filled Lexa's heart that she couldn't contain, nor did she want to. And as if on instinct she just leaned over and placed a kiss on Clarke's cheek.

She froze the moment her lips touched skin, suddenly realizing that Anya was staring at them from across the table along with Aden who now has this puzzled look on his face. She could also feel the blonde beneath her stiffen, obviously not expecting Lexa to do that in front of an audience. Or at least not an audience that they both knew.

When Lexa pulled away she could feel the heat on her cheeks and was instantly thankful for the black war paint which masked the red coloring of her blush. And she forced herself to give a nonchalant grin as she watched the smile grow large on Anya's face. She seemed altogether pleased at what she had just seen. Aden, however, was curious.

"Lexi, is Clarke your houmon?"

The question coming out of the little boy make the blood cool in Lexa's veins, though Anya was unsympathetic as she was looking clearly pleased, trying to hold back the laughter. And she could feel Clarke looking at her, slightly confused about the word that the boy had used.

Lexa gulped, loudly before she chanced a look at the blonde, curiosity in those blue orbs before she said, "No, Aden, Clarke is not my wife." And at that an amused smile filled Clarke's lips though a silent nervousness sat in her eyes. And Lexa couldn't blame her, it wasn't as if the pair had talked about their relationship much. They had gone on a few dates and when alone couldn't keep their hands off one another. And Clarke had taken care of her, in so many more ways than Lexa had thought possible. And the thought of not being with Clarke, the thought of the blonde being held in someone else's arm was enough to drive her near insanity. And yet, neither had a definition of exactly what this was.

It didn't help that Aden seemed somewhat unconvinced of his aunt's answer. "Don't you think she's pretty?" he asked.

"Of course I do," Lexa responded. "She's gorgeous," she threw in for good measure and she turned to see a twinge of redness on Clarke's cheeks.

"Do you think she's funny?" Aden inquired.

"Yes, Aden. Clarke makes me laugh all the time." And it was true. Lexa found herself laughing much more often since the blonde had entered her atmosphere.

"Does she think you're funny?"

Lexa threw a look at her sister, begging her to stop this inquisition but Anya just sat back with her arms crossed, a shit eating grin on her face. She was rather enjoying this line of questioning which Lexa was quickly beginning to realize was Aden trying to figure out why it was that she wasn't married to the blonde beside her.

"I think Lex is very funny," Clarke answered the boy with a grin, who nodded, accepting Clarke's answer on Lexa's behalf.

"Do you have fun when you wrestle?"

At this question Lexa was a little taken aback. She could feel the confusion on her face and she turned to Clarke who gave her a clueless shrug. "What to you mean, Tree Monkey?" If Lexa had to be honest, she had no idea when it was she started using that nickname for Aden. She wasn't even sure why it started. She assumed it had to be because he liked to hang all over her every chance he got.

At this Aden rolled his eyes as if Lexa was being dense on purpose. Lexa grabbed her wine glass and pulled a long drink, praying desperately that her nephew would grow tired soon of his line of questioning. "Gustus came over for dinner on Tuesday and said that he found you wrestling Clarke on your office sofa."

Lexa seemed to reflexively inhale the red wine going down her throat and immediately began to choke on the liquid in her lungs. If it hadn't been for the forceful coughing that had taken over her body she was sure a look of shock would have been evident on her face. It was clear now that Gustus was trying to tell her sister how he had caught her and Clarke going at it in her office and Aden had come in just in time for the man to have to refer to their sexual activities as "wrestling", something not lost on Clarke who groaned beside her and again had her head in her hands.

"Yeah, Lex," Anya asked, just as Lexa was able to breathe again, "don't you have fun when you and Clarke _wrestle_ in your office where you should clearly be working? The rumor around the office was that Clarke must have hurt you wrestling because when you walked out of your office, you had a weird little gait in your step."

The grin on Anya's face grew larger as Clarke peaked out of the side of her hands to give Lexa a raised brow and a small smirk, probably enjoying the fact that Anya had quickly turned the embarrassment off of the blonde and onto her younger sister.

Lexa didn't know what was more disturbing: the fact that Gustus would talk to Anya about what he had seen her doing with Clarke or the fact that Anya felt unnerved teasing her about the excited state that Clarke had clearly left her with after their escapades. Neither was a topic she really wanted to talk about with her sister so instead she turned to Aden and said "Clarke is definitely the most fun person I've ever wrestled with." She just prayed that this was one conversation that Aden forgot about by the time he figured out what exactly 'wrestling' was code for.

She turned to see Clarke shaking her head, exasperated but the smile was growing on her face. Anya was now rolling her eyes, but the smug grin was still there and Lexa made a mental note to get her sister back before they left the dinner table.

"Who wins when you wrestle?"

"I do," both girls said at the exact same time before turning to look at one another with fake glares. Both also refused to acknowledge Anya who was laughing at the both of them from across the table.

"So if you think she's pretty and funny and fun to play with and you kiss her, why isn't Clarke your houmon?"

And what the hell was she supposed to tell a five year old who clearly still miraculously thought the world worked in only blacks and whites? Clarke checked off all the boxes of what Aden thought made a good wife, and it was beginning to scare Lexa to no end that the blonde beside her seemed to check off all the boxes for her as well. But the world wasn't black and white and instead they lived in hues of gray. And boxes marked on a checklist meant very little in the grand scheme of things.

Not to mention the fact that love was one of the boxes on her checklist, and love was something that Lexa did not do. Yet when she thought it, the notion wasn't as strong has it had once been before. She used to think it was as it were an infallible fact and now she felt as if it were an unsure answer to a question that she didn't understand. Could she possibly one day love Clarke? Four months ago the answer would have been no, about her or anyone else, without question. Now she wasn't so sure. And not only was she not sure, there was a voice in the back of her head screaming 'yes' and she had no idea where it was coming from.

"I haven't known Clarke for long enough for us to be married," was all she could really think to say as she let out a breath that she didn't realize she had been holding until words were pouring from her lips. Words that, for the time being, seemed to satisfy the boy.

Lexa took a bite out of the turkey, trying to clear her mind of the inquisition that had just occurred when she looked up to see Anya sitting there, smirking as her eyes danced between her and the blonde and Lexa felt this need to wipe that smirk clean off her face.

"Hey Aden, did your mom ever tell you about the time that the two of us went camping and she almost got us eaten by three bears?" The question alone made the smile fall off her sister's face and her eyes to slit and glare in her direction. And it was now Lexa who was wearing the shit eating grin. Aden just looked at her wide eyed.

"I was probably about fourteen when your mom took me camping for the weekend for a girl's trip." She remembered Anya had wanted to take her away for the weekend so that she could reveal to her in person about how she had accepted Roan's engagement proposal and they were to be married that fall. "And we had spent the morning fishing for food and I caught this massive fish that was too big for the both of us to eat so we decided to save some for lunch the next day."

"The fish wasn't that big," Anya interjected, but Lexa ignored her sister. It was her tale to embellish any way she pleased.

"Well I told your mom that we needed to store the fish in a container and keep it away from camp, high up as to not attract animals but your mom swore up and down that if you put it in a Tupperware container it would be odorless. So needless to say, I listened to your mom and in the middle of the night we were woken up by a loud crash!" Her voice got a little more animated at the end and Aden leaned forward, transfixed.

"Was it bears?" he asked.

"It was! There were three bears, and we stood there frozen. Your mom started screaming-"

"I wasn't the only one screaming," Anya added but again Lexa ignored her.

"I yelled at your mom to run and I took off for the car we had parked about two hundred yards away but I turned half way there and I noticed that your mom was stuck frozen at our site, just her and the three bears."

"Oh, no!" Aden exclaimed. It was as if the boy feared for his mother's life though she was clearly sitting right beside the boy.

"Well I had noticed the day before that the people camping near the parking lot had a can of bear spray."

Anya rolled her eyes. "She means to say that she was flirting with the girl at that camp site the day before and that little curly haired girl tried to impress Lex by showing her their mace spray for bears." Lexa heard Clarke laugh at that but ignored the two as she leaned in closer to Aden whose eyes were wide.

"They kept their spray next to their tent so I grabbed it and ran back to your mother to try and save her."

"Did you spray the bears?"

Lexa put on a scowl. "I tried, but the can was empty!"

"Was it empty or did you just not know how to work a can of mace? Because I doubt they would have brought a can that they'd previously used to spray a bear!" Anya was trying to poke holes in the story Lexa was telling to encase her bravery to her nephew and it made Lexa glare in her direction.

"Really, Ahn? Is this the thanks I get for saving you from those bears?"

"So you saved her from the bears?" Aden asked, a smile on his face and Lexa felt a bit of pride well up in her chest.

"I did."

"She didn't," Anya said at the same time but the pair both acted as if she'd said nothing at all.

"We were out of options. It was run or be eaten. So I grabbed onto your mom and pulled her towards the car, dragging her with me as the bears roared at us."

"Did they chase you?"

"They did!" She answered.

"They did not!" Anya corrected.

"We were able to drive away to safety and then the next day when we came back, our tent was torn to shreds." This last part had been true. While the bears never did give chase, they did proceeded to tear apart their campground, likely looking for more food. The two had gotten lucky that the animals they had run into hadn't been more aggressive.

"Wow, Mom," Aden said shaking his head, "I guess you aren't a very good camper." Which was a statement that looked like it made Anya want to boil over in anger.

"Hey, Clarke?" Anya asked the blonde who was smiling at Lexa's tale. When she turned her attention to Lexa's sister the woman continued. "Speaking of bears, did you know that Lexa used to sleep with a stuffed teddy bear until she was thirteen?"

At this Clarke laughed and Lexa's eyes now trained on her sister. If Anya wanted to have a war, she would give her a war.

"Hey Aden, did you know that when your mom was younger she used to rub air freshener on herself so that she wouldn't have to shower?" At this Aden smiled, clearly liking this idea very much. Anya just glared at Lexa, knowing full well how much Aden hated baths.

"Clarke, did you know that Lexa had a crush on the girl next door when she was 12 so she made up a rap to impress her with?"

At this Clarke let out another laugh, clearly enjoying the idea of the brunette free style rapping. "Please tell me I get to hear that!"

"Aden, one time when your mom was little she was digging in the backyard looking for dinosaur fossils. She thought she had finally found one. She was so excited that she grabbed it in her hand to show everyone. It wasn't a fossil. It was cat poop!" At that Aden started laughing hysterically.

"Lexa used to sing Spice Girls songs in the shower."

"Anya used to kiss her poster of Freddy Prince Jr. every night before she went to bed."

"When Lexa was five she used to pretend that she was a wolf. Our mom allowed it until we found her trying to drink water out of the dog's bowl."

At that Lexa glared, fearful that if this war continued that Clarke would hear even more stories about her childhood that she had fully intended on taking to her grave. The only way she knew to end it would be to either give up (which just wasn't in her nature) or to tell a story so embarrassing about Anya that her older sister would give up herself. She went for the latter.

"There was this one time that Anya decided to dig through our mother's drawer she kept by her bed and she found what she thought was a back massager but was really a-"

"I give!" Anya announced, a pure look of horror on her face. And Lexa couldn't help but feel this smugness wash over her. Anya and her had gotten into many battles over the years and it wasn't often that she could say that she bested her sister. And she knew that she would need to enjoy this victory as much as she could because the next time they did battle it out over something, Anya would be sure to be even more ruthless than normal.

\----------

An hour after dinner had been finished, the dishes had been cleaned and put away and Lexa sat on the couch with a glass of wine in hand as she watched Clarke sitting on the floor on the other side of the room, trying to teach Aden a clapping game that the blonde had used to play as a child. Aden's eyebrows would furrow in concentration whenever the blonde had given him instructions, which she did patiently and tenderly. And when he would succeed in something she would celebrate with him with high fives, smiles and laughter.

Lexa couldn't help the smile plastered on her face as she watched the girl she deeply cared for play with the boy that had captured her heart the very first time she had laid eyes upon him. Aden had been born close to eight months after the accident, when Lexa's life had been a shamble of the life she had once known. She had gone down the road to self destruction and had just began to move into her life void of any caring or feeling.

She was picking up the pieces of her life as emotionless as she could be. Her sister would hug her and she would feel nothing. Indra would run with her and try to tell her stories of things she thought would make her happy and Lexa spent the hour pretending that she was alone. Gustus would invite her over to dinner with his family and she would decline. And the day that Aden had been born she had contemplated not being there for her sister in the hospital.

She had spent far too much time in hospitals and the only memory they had held for her had been of death and sadness. And she had had more than her fill of both to last her a lifetime. But when Roan called and said that Anya had been experiencing complications and was being rushed into an emergency room to perform a necessary cesarean section, Lexa got there as fast as she could.

By the time she got there, Aden had been pulled from her sister and both were being monitored in the ICU. She sat there with Roan in the waiting room who looked as if his world was falling apart right before his eyes and she understood then what it was she had looked like sitting in the waiting room, waiting for Costia to wake up. She sat beside the man and neither one spoke, nor did they exchange any physical contact. They merely existed together, praying for a positive outcome.

It had been the first time Lexa had prayed since Costia's death. She had felt as if the spirit had abandoned her and she feared that it would not listen to her prayers now, not after how she blamed so much of what had happened on the Spirit she had come to hate, the Spirit that she had then ignored for months. But she prayed without abandon in that room until the doctors came in and told them that both mother and child were ready to be seen.

Roan had stood up and stared at Lexa who remained seated, certain that he would want time alone with his wife and child but he refused to move until Lexa had come with him. And she would forever be thankful for the man who didn't let her wait alone in that room when she so desperately needed to see her sister alive and well.

Relief flooded over her when she saw her sister sitting upright and smiling in their direction, thanking the Spirit for not turning away from her. But it was when the little bundle in the blue blanket opened its eyes and gazed upon her that her world began to change.

For months she had been this shell of her former self, unfeeling and void of emotion. But whenever she was around Aden, it was impossible not to smile. It was impossible to not lean down and breathe in his baby smell and feel instantly soothed. It was impossible for her heart to not constrict in joy when his tiny hands gripped at her fingers. It was impossible for her body not to instantly warm when she held the boy close to her body.

And it wasn't long before she began to feel emotion again when around her sister, then around Roan, then around Indra and then Gustus and his family. She still seemed to hold everyone at an arm's length away for both her sanity and theirs, but never Aden. She held the boy as close to her as she could get him.

Aden meant the world to her and there wasn't a thing in this world that she wouldn't do for him. And while the feeling of completely belonging to this child scared her deeply, the thought of not being there for him was one that she refused to accept. She would be there for him no matter what it was that she had to sacrifice. And the love she felt for him did not go unnoticed by the boy who looked up to his aunt as if she were his own angel, delivered to him from above. He both loved and worshiped her. The feeling was completely mutual.

And now as she watched Clarke laugh with Aden, her heart felt strange. If she had to put a word to it? Full. Her heart felt full and she had no idea what it was that meant. But it had her grinning like an idiot and for once, she didn't care. She didn't even both to hide it when Anya plopped herself on the couch beside her.

"I still find it odd, given our people's background with the European settlers, that you insist we celebrate Thanksgiving." Lexa said trying to drum up conversation.

Anya just laughed. "Aden is going to a public school, just the way we did. You know how hard it was for us when we didn't understand what it was our classmates celebrated. What harm could it do letting him experience it? Plus, it was a good excuse to come see you."

"I'm always glad to have you," Lexa said, but she had yet to take her eyes off the blonde and her nephew.

"You've got it bad, Lex. I don't even remember you looking this happy even when-" but her sister stopped herself. Bringing up the past was a sure fired way to make sure that the evening ended poorly, or at least it used to.

"Since Costia?" Lexa asked, glancing at her sister who had a weary look on her face. Her ex's name falling from her lips was the last thing Anya was expecting. "Aden didn't exist before Costia." Was all she said before she turned back to watch the two clapping hands together on the floor.

"And neither did Clarke, or at least not to us," Anya concluded and Lexa just nodded her head as the two sisters lifted their glasses in unison, taking another sip of wine. "You know you're going to have to tell her about your past eventually."

But at that Lexa just let out a small smile. There was a time when telling Clarke about what happened would have frightened her, that time was on the morning of November sixth. And now? Well how much more was there really to confess? "She already knows, Ahn."

Anya's eyebrows furrowed together, a small look of confusion in her eyes. "About Costia?"

Lexa nodded. "About Costia, the accident, how I was after the accident, our family history." As she rattled off the list she realized she had also recited a list to her sister that contained all of the things that she had refused to talk to anyone about after her mother had died. Talking about them was like reliving them, and she wasn't strong enough to do that on her own. But Clarke made her feel strong and she had proved that even if Lexa hadn't been strong enough to bear it, the blonde would stand beneath the weight beside her.

At that Anya whistled and Lexa turned to look at her sister who held this look of disbelief on her face. "So not only is she pretty but she was able to tame the beast inside your head? I was definitely right on Monday, Lex. You need to hold onto this girl." Then her sister turned her head to the pair on the floor, smiling. "It looks like Aden has already given his stamp of approval."

Saying the boy's name one too many times appeared to summon him as Lexa turned to see him standing just two feet in front of her, holding tightly onto Clarke's hand who stood wide grinned behind him. Though standing was a loose term. It looked more like he was vibrating as he shifted excitedly from foot to foot. "What's up, Tree Monkey?"

"Clarke said she would play make believe with us!" The boy had an extensive imagination and he and Lex would spend hours playing pretend whenever she babysat him. One day they would be dueling pirates on a boat and the next they would be Athos and Porthos, searching for their friend Aramis who would be Roan the second he and Anya returned home.

Lexa gave the boy a bright smile. "Okay, what is it that you want me to be?"

The boy gave her a wicked grin before he said "the Trikru Commander of course!" as he pointed to his own eyes, a reminder of the mask he had painted on her earlier. Then he added. "And you have captured Clarke and it is my job to save her!"

At that Lexa gave a slight frown. "So I'm a bad commander, then?"

At this the boy furrowed his brow. Whenever they played pretend, they only ever battled for fun in the fantasy, he never made Lexa the villain. "Okay, new plan! Clarke and I are from outer space and we have to come to earth to save our people. And you are a good commander who thinks we are bad so you capture Clarke!"

Space people falling from the sky to be captured by Trikru warriors sounded a bit far fetched, even for Aden's fantasy scenarios but at least she wasn't going to be a bad guy so she was satisfied. "Okay, in that case, I should probably set up some booby traps to make sure it's hard for you to find me." And Aden's eyes glistened in anticipation before Lexa rubbed a hand over his head and went to go dig through her closest to find supplies.

After she had set a few "traps", mostly things Aden could pretend to fight and a string with a bell to signal his entrance, Lexa returned with two foam swords in hand. "Cool!" Aden exclaimed, pushing Clarke towards the brunette.

"Wait, I'm not really supposed to just be a tree, am I?" Anya asked with a little bit of bite, looking annoyed the second Aden's confused look confirmed that he had forgotten all about his mother.

Aden looked at Lexa for help and she considered momentarily giving her sister another hard time but thought better of it. "How about your mom be one of my warriors? Then you can fight her before you come find us? It will make your quest much more valiant."

The boy looked at her confused. "What's valiant?"

Lexa smiled, and it grew wider as she heard the blonde softly laughing. She often forgot that Aden had a limited vocabulary, though there was no reason not to teach the boy sooner rather than later. "It means you are acting brave, that you have courage."

At this the boy smiled as he turned to his mother and said, "prepared to be vanquished!" Another large word that Lexa had taught him and she smiled, proud of him for remembering. Anya responded by giving the boy a large grin and pretending to get in a fighting stance.

Lexa patted her older sibling's shoulder in encouragement before she asked Aden how long she had to hide Clarke. Aden just shrugged before a small grin filled his face. "I need to drop some dinosaur fossils in the potty and then I will find you." Which resulted in both Lexa and Clarke laughing hysterically as Anya groaned.

"You just had to tell him the cat poop story!"

Lexa just gave a triumphant smile as she reached to grab Clarke's hand, dragging her up the stairs and onto the roof where they probably had a good five to ten minutes alone before the space delinquent came looking for his princess. Though a good two minutes of that was spent with their lips locked in an embrace, drinking each other in.

"Aden adores you," Lexa managed to get out once the pair had pulled apart.

Clarke smiled. "Aden has to be one of the coolest kids I've ever met. He invited me to his soccer game on Saturday." Clarke's affirmation of her returned feelings towards her nephew made Lexa's heart soar as she leaned down for another quick kiss against the girl's lips.

"I'm not so sure about your sister though. She did threaten to, well not kill me, but gut me and tie me to a tree if I hurt you." The threat did very much sound like something Anya would say and Lexa couldn't help but laugh, remembering back when she had given Roan a similar speech, though at the time he was twenty four and she was fourteen.

"If she didn't like you, she wouldn't have threatened you. She would have tried to find a way to make me leave you." Clarke gave her an unsure look but Lexa just shook her head. "Trust me, you'd know if you had siblings." Then she laughed, "the threat I gave Roan was much worse."

At that Clarke lifted a curious brow. "Let's just say it involved me removing a certain part of his body, stitching said body part to his head and putting him in a circus as the saddest human unicorn known to mankind."

Clarke just shuddered. "I hate to hear what speech you have planned for any girl that plans to date Aden."

"Thanks for being so great today," Lexa said, reaching for the blonde's hands and entwining them in her own. "And for trying hard with Aden. Indra hates it when she's forced to play pretend with him. Though he does tend to make her a bad guy that the two of us defeat."

Clarke laughed, clearly amused with the thought of Indra interacting with a child. Then she turned to Lexa and shrugged. "Well, I do have to admit, you look pretty hot in that war paint, Commander." The way she said the title was sultry and it pulled at the area near Lexa's groin as she fought back the groan in her throat.

"Oh yeah?" Lexa asked, taking a step forward and pulling the blonde into her so that their bodies were held flush against one another. Lexa didn't know what it was, but being this close to Clarke made her forget about the world around them.

"Definitely," Clarke cooed. "I think you should keep it on tonight, after your family leaves." The feeling of Clarke's thumb running across her bottom lip made Lexa sigh as she took in a deep breath of Clarke's scent. She smelled a little bit of pine after having used the soap from her bathroom to bathe this morning.

"If that is what you desire, Klarke kom Skaikru."

"Skaikru?" The blonde asked and Lexa shrugged.

"People from the sky." Then her voice turned teasing. "Though, if you are encroaching on my lands, Skaiprisa, I may need some convincing as to why it is I should allow you and your people to stay."

Clarke's voice came out husk and low, "By the end of the night,Commander, you will be the one kneeling and pledging your fealty to me."

The thought sent shivers down Lexa's back. She would have leaned in to kiss her forcefully but the sound of a bell pulled her away from the blonde with a huff, finally reminded exactly where it was they were. So with a quick shake of the head to pull her mind away from thoughts of her kneeling at Clarke's feet, Lexa skillfully twirled her fake sword in her hand, prepared to defend her claim to the princess of the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the voting was been complete and Lexa will be our storyteller for the part of the next chapter where she finds some guy flirting with Clarke. It should be fun, especially because Lexa won't have to hide the fact that she is dating Clarke to the guy in question. 
> 
> Some of you may or may not have noticed that I finally put an end cap onto this series. I sat down last night and wrote out plot points I wanted to cover and I think I can get it all in 48 chapters. It means we are just over the half way point but there is still a lot of story left to be told. At two stories a week, that's another few months, which seems crazy. But after seeing the Finale on Thursday I just wanted to make sure to not do what they did and rush some plot where Lexa is just a means to move a story forward. So I took to YouTube to watch the way we would have written it and I may have cried a little but this fandom is just amazing. I wanted to share one video in particular done a few months ago that showed the Commander's life through the series. Tear jerker for sure, but amazingly done: https://youtu.be/9CllqQLlfRI
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who reads and I love hearing the feedback. I check my email often after I've posted hoping to hear from y'all. You guys are the best.


	28. Atom's Belly Button

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 27:  
> It was the second half of Thanksgiving, all seen through Lexa's perspective. It had a lot going on including stories about bears and cat poop along with a nod to the 100 universe. And Aden, as always, was beyond adorable.
> 
> \---
> 
> So this was the chapter many of you voted on: Lexa's jealousy through her own point of view. It's a nice taste of jealousy because what I plan to bring you all in Chapter 30 is jealousy on a much larger scale. Enough to bring out the Commander. I hope you all enjoy this one. It's not as fluffy as the last chapter but I think it has its moments. Either way, I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Side note: In case the timeline of this one is confusing when you start:  
> Thanksgiving - Thursday  
> Tattoo Thing - Friday  
> Waking Up/Soccer - Saturday

"Sometimes I don't think you understand the meaning of vacation," Clarke grumbled with her forearm over her face as she squinted against the light streaming in from the window, framing the bare back of the woman beside her. The brunette had just pulled on a pair or running pants and was pulling her hair into a ponytail.

Clarke leaned up on her elbows as she fought off a yawn to admire the tattoo that danced across Lexa's back. The yawning lips were soon replaced by a lazy grin as she remembered how she had lost herself in Lexa's ink the night before.

It was symbolic of her people, much like the arm band tattoo that Lexa had gotten to replicate the one on her great grandmother's arm. The one on her back seemed to dance up the brunette's spine. All in all it was composed of thirteen different lines, all of different weight which rose up to a circular orb just below the base of her neck which contained several prominent constellations, one of which being Draco, the one Lexa had shared with her a story about on the roof, many weeks ago.

The orb represented Nomon Meika and each line that reached up to it represented each of the thirteen spirits. Each line seemed to dance beautifully against each other, each containing a symbol that represented the denotation of their people.

She had traced her fingers the night before over the thickest line which had a symbol of what looked like three non complete circles meeting at the base and a full circle centered at the point where the three larger ones met. Lexa had been laying on her stomach, chin over her crossed arms as she tried to rest after their fifth round of sex.

Lexa had hummed, contentedly at the soft fingers against her back and explained that the symbol was for the Trikru tribe. The next thickest line which was woven into the Trikru line had a symbol very similar to that of a crescent moon with the open ends connected by a four point star which represented the people of the sky. They were the only two lines that intertwined.

With each slow trace of her finger, Lexa had explained which symbols belonged to which tribe, having memorized their location on her back and repeating them from Clarke's touch alone. And after Clarke's finger traced each line, it was followed by her lips that pressed softly then dragged up against the smooth skin.

Then Lexa had turned on her side and Clarke traced the words on her ribs above the equality symbol that first caught her eye that night they had met in this very apartment. And Lexa crooned. "Osir laik chon osir laik." Then a smile crossed her lips as she translated the Trigedasleng. "We are who we are."

Clarke repeated each individual word before placing a kiss across it. Lexa's ribs and chest seemed to shake from laughter, likely due to Clarke's pronunciation of the words. But Clarke was not dissuaded and she repeated the phrase in full when she was done with each word and pushed against Lexa's shoulder until the girl was on her back.

She had then turned her focus to the tattoo of pentagons and hexagons that made up the wired three dimensional soccer ball on her lower hip. As she traced these lines she watches as Lexa's eyes closed and her breathing began to thicken. And Clarke smirked as she leaned down to kiss the tattoo before dragging her mouth downward, starting round six.

"My run yesterday morning left my legs sore. I've spent too many mornings in bed with you and my legs are paying the price." Lexa's voice was filled with laughter as it pulled Clarke out of her memory of the night before.

Clarke scoffed in response. "Are you saying that I'm not giving you enough exercise here, Woods?"

She could see Lexa laughing as her shoulders shook, pulling a neon yellow sports bra down over her chest before turning to look at Clarke with an eyebrow raised. "I'm pretty sure my right forearm has never been stronger, but I don't see how that's going to help us win our game next week."

Clarke slapped the brunette teasingly on her arm before she gave her a sad face, realizing that she was right.

Yesterday morning, Lexa had managed to pull herself out of bed for a run and Clarke couldn't fathom the idea of it and opted to stay in bed sleeping for another two hours. It wasn't like she had gotten a whole lot of sleep after Thanksgiving dinner. Lexa and her war paint made sure of that.

"Maybe I should join you on your run this morning." Clarke had meant to sound enthusiastic but her words fell flat and the Commander shook her head slowly with a soft smile on her lips.

"I feel like I'm losing my running partner." Clarke rolled her eyes as she watched Lexa pout.

"Fine," Clarke gave in, "I'll join you. But as soon as we get back, we are taking a nap." She smiled until she saw Lexa bite her lip with an apologetic look on her face.

"You told Aden that you would go to his game today, Clarke. I don't want you to feel like you have to go, but I don't want to let him down." Clarke wanted to smack her forehead for forgetting about the game. The day before had been this marathon of sex, kissing and snuggling, neither one of them leaving the bedroom once Lexa showered off her run except for necessities such as food, water or bathroom breaks. She had lost track of the day and had forgotten it was Saturday.

It was Saturday. She tried to not let her face drop as she realized that there was only today and tomorrow left before the two of them would have to return to school and back to reality. She still had no idea what it was that they were and what it was they were going to say to anyone else, or what it was they were going to refuse to say. She made a note to bring it up later.

"Of course I want to go to Aden's game, I just forgot it was Saturday." At that Lexa smiled and leaned down to plant a kiss against Clarke's lips. The movement was soft and caressing but Clarke couldn't resist pulling Lexa's bottom lip between her teeth. Even after the copious amounts of love making they had the day before it seemed that she just couldn't get enough of the brunette.

Lexa pulled away with a groan, her eyes a shade darker than they were before the kiss. "I wish you wouldn't make it so difficult for me to walk away from this in the morning." And Clarke could see the war waging behind those green eyes. To stay or to go? Obligation or gratification? Those eyes fell onto Clarke's lips and her body remained frozen.

With a small smile Clarke decided to help make the decision easier as she got out of bed and dug through her bag in search of running clothes. It may not be as fun as a tumble between the sheets but at least she would still be with Lexa while doing it. It was something she had to remind herself thirty minutes into her run when her legs began to burn from lack of use as she forced herself to maintain the Commander's grueling pace.

\----------

Lexa was sitting beside the blonde on a little blanket that she had laid out for the two of them as they watched a small group of children stretching, not in unison and not very well, but at least they weren't running away from their group. Lexa was proud to say that at least Aden appeared to be listening and following instructions. And he was the only one doing his jumping jacks correctly which was something she had worked with him on last month.

"They really are cute at this age," Clarke awed as she watched the five and six year olds in their green jerseys.

"And uncoordinated," Lexa added, laughing when she felt a light sting against her right arm where the blonde had slapped at her.

"You were once just as uncoordinated as these kids," Clarke chastised her. And while it was true, that didn't have to mean that Lexa had to own up to it.

"Speak for yourself, Griffin. I've always been gifted."

She smiled at the blonde who rolled her eyes and shook her head, but her smile grew larger and Lexa felt this wave of success wash over her. "Well you were definitely something," was all she got in return.

"Hey Lexa!" the brunette felt her shoulders stiffen as she turned to meet the woman who the voice had belonged to, not that she had to look up to know who it was. The woman stood there with wavy strawberry blonde hair, cute dimples and a pristinely white smile. She was wearing a light blue v-neck t-shirt that dipped down low enough to show off just enough cleavage that it would leave you wanting more and white shorts that went as low as her upper thigh.

Stacy Vidovic was in her early thirties and had her daughter Charlotte on the team with Aden. Lexa knew the voice and name well after she had spent one evening over the summer, during the kids' team summer party, with her hand up Stacy's shirt in the woman's wine cellar. She had spent the majority of the afternoon flirting relentlessly with the older woman who had began, not long after their introduction, complaining about the divorce she just went through with her husband, certain that his work trips were just him "having affairs in God knows where". So Lexa made a move and it wasn't long before she was being pulled into a wine cellar and pushing the woman up against the wall.

Things may have progressed further had Anya not shown up, realizing her sister had gone missing along with the woman who kept touching her arm all day, and retrieved her from the room with a hand pulling on her younger sister's ear. Needless to say, Anya banned Lexa from their team parties for the rest of the year.

"Hi, Stacy. It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Lexa tried to sound nonchalant. It wasn't as if she had any interest in the woman anymore, but she began to feel as if a hot light was now shining upon her as she held the hand of the girl she had been sharing a bed with all week and exchanged pleasantries with the woman who she had tried to sleep with only months before.

"Far too long," the woman said with a wink and Lexa swore she could feel Clarke's smile falter as eyes bore straight into the side of her head. "Well I just came over here to let you know that Aden had volunteered you for referee duty."

"Did he now?" Lexa asked sounding a little more relieved than she would have liked. It wasn't that she wanted to leave Clarke's side but she had a feeling that the longer she stayed the more likely it was that Clarke would ask questions about the mother that Lexa wouldn't want to answer. Lexa rose to her feet, but the blonde was gripping her hand a little tighter, forcing Clarke to stand up with her.

"Yes," Stacy practically purred. "Our referee called out sick today and we all know that you're the best soccer player out here. So who better than you," she poked Lexa's forearm with her pointer finger, "to take control?"

The brunette couldn't help but feel that the statement of her taking control was an innuendo for what happened in the wine cellar and she was positive she wasn't the only one to hear it. Things looked like they were about to get bad for the brunette so she immediately began damage control. "Actually, my girlfriend, is an amazing player who is far better with children than I am. I'm more than happy to referee, but if you're looking for the best it has to be Clarke." She lifted her hand holding Clarke's slightly as she said the blonde's name and watched while Stacy's smile faltered.

"Well I'm sure the kids will be lucky with whomever of you decides to help out. I just wanted to let you know that the game starts in five minutes."

"I'll go out there," Lexa said with a forced smile as she tried to figure out what she would have to do to make it up to the blonde beside her. After the woman had left she turned to look at Clarke slowly, expecting to get the wrath of the blue eyed vixen but instead she saw a small smirk and a high brow staring back at her.

"So I'm your girlfriend then?" Lexa froze. She thought for a moment about what she had just told Stacy and it had escaped her that she had used the title of girlfriend for the blonde. She had been too engrossed with the idea of trying to fix the situation that her mind didn't register the word and now that it did, a sea of uneasiness washed over her.

They hadn't discussed their situation yet. Lexa assumed that they were at least a thing, a monogamous thing. She had no plans or desires to sleep with anyone else but that didn't mean that Clarke felt the same way. Plus she hadn't had a girlfriend since Costia and Lexa really didn't know what that title entailed beyond friendship, monogamy and hopefully sex. What else was she committing herself to do? Did it matter? Why did she all of the sudden feel nervous? She gulped to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Should we have discussed it first? I mean I shouldn't have just assumed that you wanted to be my girlfriend. I mean maybe you are just testing the waters since this whole thing is sorta new for you." She was rambling and the longer she went on, the larger the smile on Clarke's face grew. "And, well, you know. It's not like I want to pressure you. That's the last thing I want to do." She was rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand. "Because peer pressure is bad and we have all been taught to 'just say no' since we were kids."

At this point Lexa was screaming at herself in her head to just shut the hell up but the connection between her brain and her mouth seemed to be malfunctioning. "Not that I want you to say no. Because I don't. Not that I asked you a question that required a yes or no answer." Clarke was laughing now and Lexa could feel herself get flustered. Thank goodness she didn't see Anya watching her fumbling from across the pitch or else it would have just gotten worse.

"Though maybe I should ask you, instead of you know, just announcing these things to strangers at a child's soccer game. So what do you think?" And it was at that moment that Lexa finally stopped talking as her brain yelled at her again. What the hell kind of question was that? 'What do you think?' Smooth, real smooth.

"What do I think?" Clarke asked with a bemused smile, trying hard not to laugh. "I think you're right. I think you should ask me your question."

Lexa nearly groaned. It was bad enough that she had just spent the past minute bumbling like a fool but Clarke seemed to be getting far too much enjoyment out of this. Lexa just shook her head and muttered, "I have a kid's game to ref. I'll see you when it's over."

She turned to leave but the hand holding hers pulled Lexa back. "Hey, come on, Lex. I'm sorry." She turned back to see the blonde giving her a warm smile that reached all the way to her eyes and it made Lexa feel slightly weak in the knees. "Please ask me your question?" She said it with a slight pout as she tugged Lexa closer and the brunette smiled.

Lexa took one long breath, trying to ease away the nerves. "Clarke, will you be my girlfriend?" She hated that she sounded like some hopeless teenager but the smile that washed over Clarke's face was overpowering and it suddenly felt like the smartest question she had ever asked.

"Yes, Lex." Her answer was short and sweet, a complete contrast to what it was that Lexa had labored through just to get to her question. But it was more than enough to fill Lexa with this immense amount of joy that she wasn't really sure how to contain it. Had it not been for the group of five year olds starring at her she probably would have pulled Clarke in for a kiss. Instead she tugged at the blonde's hand and pulled her in for a strong hug.

She felt warm and soft in her arms as the smell of pine trees from her soap and Clarke's scent of vanilla permeated her senses. She didn't know why the answer had affected her so much, the word was just a title. But maybe that wasn't true. Maybe it was more than just a title. Some part of her hoped it signified that in some way it meant that Clarke was hers, just as she knew she was Clarke's.

"Hey, get your ass out on the field. Your nephew has a game to win!" Lexa rolled her eyes but she couldn't remove the smile from her face as she pulled away and turned to look at her older sister who looked like she was trying to contain laughter, though she could see the happiness in her brown eyes.

"A referee is impartial to which team wins or loses," she told her sister who finally let out a bark of laughter.

"That's not why we chose you, nerd. Now get out there and I will keep your girlfriend company." Her girlfriend. She was and it made Lexa smile wider as she looked at the blonde and made a nod in her direction before jogging onto the pitch where a screaming group of children awaited.

Little children's soccer is very much not soccer, or that's how Lexa had come to view it. Soccer, when you boiled it down to its basics was a game of triangles. Between you and two of your teammates, you tried to maintain some decorum of a triangle to pass the ball between you, to keep the ball at your feet and out of the opposing team's. It, of course, is far more complex than that, but it still held true for Lexa today.

These kids, however, had no mind to keep pace or distance from their teammates with the ball. Instead they moved around like a blob, if they even tried to go after the ball that is. Wherever the ball went, it was immediately surrounded by a group of three to four kids from each team who just tried putting their boots on it, without much reason or purpose. And for all those kids in the circle there were two on the pitch following butterflies and kids at the goal posts picking their noses. It was hard for Lexa to imagine that as a child she had played anything like this.

Refereeing this game mostly consisted of telling kids which direction they were supposed to be kicking the ball, stopping the blob as it tried to push the ball into a different field and calling time whenever a kid got kicked or fell so that their parents could help cart them off the pitch. It also consisted a lot of her biting her tongue. She wanted desperately to tell Aden to push the ball to the right or left, the way she had spent hours teaching him. She wanted to tell him to call for the ball, to move his teammates around. And when he finally did make a break from the blob with the ball she had to contain her excitement, especially when he dribbled around two kids and shot the ball into goal, past the keeper who was picking flowers.

And cheers erupted from one side of the field and she could hear her sister and her girlfriend cheering from midfield, yelling the boy's name. And yet she forced herself to limit her emotions to a smile in the boy's direction, as was fair. But Aden had other plans as he ran over to Lexa and held out his left arm to her. Her heart melted.

She knelt down on one knee and reached out to grasp his forearm as his right hand went out to to the side of her face to pull her down so that their foreheads touched. Anya had finally taken Aden to their last home game and he had noticed the way the Commander had pulled her scoring players into this same embrace. And now holding tightly onto Aden, she fought a slew of tears that wanted to fall from her eyes. She never thought she would ever be sharing this part of her life with the boy she loved so dearly.

"I did it, Lexi!" he laughed out, his breath smelling of the oranges he ate at halftime.

"I'm so proud of you, Tree Monkey!"

What Lexa didn't expect was for the trend to continue on. A kid from the opposing team scored five minutes later and he ran up to her and held out his arm. She looked at it confused for a moment before he pushed his arm at her again and she knelt down, clasped his forearm and patted his shoulder with her right hand, the way she did with her teammates when she was the one that scored the goal, telling the boy to pat her shoulder with his right hand as well. Pulling random kids' heads against hers seemed like poor judgement, though he didn't seem to mind the loss of forehead contact. And the kid beamed in enjoyment as she told him that he made a great goal.

She had to repeat the action with a third and forth kid before the game was over and instead of being able to go back to her girlfriend's side after the game, she was surrounded by parents with questions. Mostly they wanted to know if she would be able to referee the next set of games as the momentum of the game picked up after Aden's goal, all the kids working harder as if to earn the coveted goal embrace from the referee they'd never met before. It was odd, though Lexa knew better than to try and understand logic from a child.

After about ten minutes of talking to the parents of both teams, who were even less willing to let her walk away when Aden announced that she would be playing for the national team over the summer, she craned her head to try and give Clarke an apologetic smile. What she saw instead made her freeze.

Anya had left Clarke's side and was now talking to one of the moms while her girlfriend was laughing with one of the older brothers of one of Aden's teammates. She recognized the boy from the last few times she had attended the games, and from the summer party. His name was Atom, which Lexa immediately felt was a stupid name, or maybe she just felt that way now that he was obviously flirting with Clarke and she was laughing at whatever lame joke she figured he just told.

The boy was probably nineteen, at least he had said so over the summer as if trying to prove to Lexa that he wasn't jail-bait before she quickly turned down his advances. She had to admit at the time that he was rather handsome with his wavy brown hair and strong jaw. And his eyes almost appeared gray, which sparkled when he tried to flirt with her. The same sparkle she swore she could see now.

She knew she had nothing to worry about. Just an hour ago Clarke agreed to be her girlfriend and she knew that Clarke would never openly flirt with the guy on purpose, or at least hopefully not in front of her. Deep down she knew that Clarke was just being friendly. But she hated the thought of this guy trying to make a move on her girl.

Yes, her girl, not his girl. She could feel her jaw tighten and her blood start to boil as she imagined what this guy was likely thinking. No, what he was obviously thinking as his eyes raked down her body and back up, as discretely as he could. But his eyes rested a moment too long on Clarke's chest and she felt this overwhelming need to kick a soccer ball into Atom's groin.

"Miss Woods?"

Lexa was pulled out of her seething to look at the father who had apparently just asked her a question that she was too busy plotting Atom's imminent demise to hear.

"Sorry, I didn't hear the question?" She was surprised she was able to maintain a calm voice.

"I asked if you wouldn't mind showing the kids a few moves? I'm sure they'd love to see the way they could move with a soccer ball if they practice hard enough." Though this last part was aimed at his six year old daughter who gave her a warm smile.

"Yeah, my aunt is the best at soccer moves!" Aden exclaimed, looking at her, begging her to say yes. And it was in that moment that Lexa realized that she could kill two birds with one stone. She could both make Aden happy and pull Clarke away from that asshole.

"Sure, I actually have one of my teammates here with me. Maybe I can ask her to help me out?" The group, which was growing in size all smiled in excitement, nodding. She grinned, "okay, so why don't you take everyone to the empty field on the other side and we will meet you over there."

She waited until the group turned before she set her gaze on the pair, talking at the other end of the pitch. She apparently had waited a minute too long as Atom was standing with his hand gripping the bottom of his shirt, lifting it just high enough to show off his abs to the blonde.

Lexa growled and immediately began her sprint towards them, stopping on a dime right behind Clarke before possessively wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's front and planting a suggestive kiss to the base of her neck which made the girl in her arms shudder. When Lexa spoke, she made sure to erase any sound of jealousy from her voice. She knew she sounded cool and relaxed.

"Hey, babe. I see you've met Atom and his belly button."

At this the boy scoffed, though he was looking a little hungrily at the girls embracing in front of him. She tried not to think about what he would be thinking about later tonight. Clarke laughed; whether she was feigning obliviousness or not was beyond Lexa. "Yeah, he was telling me how he had spent the last few months trying to get abs like yours. Apparently you had a few of the mothers talking at the summer pool party in July."

At this Lexa froze momentarily. Maybe Clarke had been flirting with the boy for information about a certain strawberry blonde soccer mom. And Lexa silently cursed herself. But she wasn't done staking her claim on Clarke to the boy just yet.

"Well you saw mine in bed this morning. Atom looks like he could get there eventually, doesn't he?" Bragging about sex and pointing out his lack of abs seemed like a reasonable blow. In response the boy slowly dropped his shirt back down along with a portion of his smile.

Lexa responded before anyone else could say a word. "Atom, it really was great seeing you again but I have to apologize. Some of the parents wanted to see some soccer drills and I promised them a show with Clarke's help. Maybe we can catch up the next time we can make it out to one of these games?" Her tone was uncharacteristically sweet as she feigned caring about the boy's feeling.

"Sounds great," he said, but nothing about his tone of voice suggested that he believed that statement to be true.

"It was nice meeting you," Clarke said which seemed to lift the boy's spirits, but Lexa was pulling the blonde away, beside her, as she walked them back to the awaiting group.

"So there was something going on between you and Stacy, then?" Clarke asked a moment later, voice flat.

"So you were flirting with that guy for information?" She turned to look at the blonde who blushed and looked away as Lexa tried to bite back her annoyance. "I may have had a bit too much to drink and felt up Stacy at a party, but that's all that happened." She thought it best to leave out the part where Anya had to interject.

"She doesn't seem to think that's all it was," Clarke lowly bit back and Lexa sighed, stopping so that she could look the blonde in the eye.

Clarke looked a little hurt and Lexa could feel a knot forming in her stomach. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt her. "I've done things in my past with women I'm not proud of, Clarke. But that was before I met you. And I know that that doesn't take away all of the things I've done but I promise you that as long as we are together, I'll be loyal to you."

The word loyal wasn't romantic, but Clarke knew exactly the way that Lexa felt about loyalty. Lexa valued the fact that she was one of the most loyal people you could ever hope to meet and pledging her loyalty meant more to Lexa than anything else she could have promised. And for that Clarke smiled.

The blonde cleared her throat and thought of something to say to change the unpleasant subject. "It was really cute the way all those kids looked to you for a Trikru handshake and a pat on the shoulder during the game." Clarke's eyes sparkled and the animosity between them seemed to wash away.

"Yeah, I couldn't be prouder of Aden out there." And she couldn't have. The boy she loved excelling and enjoying the game she loved. It was an amazing combination.

They started making their way to the group again when Clarke laughed. "I was a little jealous, it's been a week since we've embraced like that."

And Lexa had to laugh. They had embraced in every other way possible in the last week and _that_ was the one thing Clarke was jonesing for? "Sorry, Griffin," she said, letting the Commander slip out, "but those embraces have to be earned. Just be sure to pass me a ball I can score with next week and I'll see what I can do."

Clarke snorted, clearly sensing the change in personality. "Sure thing, Commander. Anything else I need to know?"

At that Lexa gave her a wicked smile. "Try not to be too upset when I school you in front of all these kids."

"Care to make a wager on that?" Clarke asked with a suggestive grin that had the heat in Lexa's body running south.

"Winner gets top tonight?" Lexa countered back.

"That's exactly what I was thinking. You're going down, Woods!" And Clarke jogged off to go introduce herself to the awaiting group.

Lexa just shook her head, deciding it would be best to forget about how much she cared for the girl shaking hands with parents and kids in front of her. When it came time to play the game, Lexa would not be flustered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like my chapters are getting longer and longer, though I have a feeling I won't get any complaints about that. It sort of looks like the next chapter will likely be even longer than this one was. I'm thinking I will post that one on Friday afternoon (Los Angeles time). I had some extra free time over the weekend so I got a good jump start on the next few chapters.
> 
> Anyone getting nervous about Clarke and Lexa returning to their normal lives back at school? Care to take a guess at what they will decide? You'll find out next chapter, I'm just curious on your thoughts. And as always, you guys are amazing. Your comments last chapter had me laughing just as much as y'all said you were laughing from reading it. It really is the best part of writing this story.


	29. Where Do We Go From Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 28 Recap:  
> A blast from Lexa's past showed up at Aden's soccer game leading Lexa to accidentally give Clarke a title they had yet to speak about. 
> 
> \---
> 
> So I need to start by clarifying that I messed up in the POV structure of the first part of this chapter. I switched from Clarke to Lexa and didn't realize it until after proofreading. At that point I didn't want to mess with the flow so I apologize for that. 
> 
> I also want to point out that there is a little bit of smut in this one. But there should be, it's their last day together before returning to school!

Clarke wasn't sure what it was that had woken her. It could have been the light that was now softly streaming on her face or it could have been the warm hand and slender fingers that were holding softly onto her left boob which had momentarily twitched into a squeeze. Okay, it was more than likely that the hand had woken her.

Clarke softly laughed. She had fallen asleep with Lexa curling up against Clarke's back, pulling the blonde tightly against her front. She remember Lexa's arm being draped around her waist when she had fallen into deep sleep and wasn't sure at what time Lexa's hand had ducked under Clarke's tank top and reached up to cup the sanctuary of her chest.

"What's so funny?" Lexa's voice was raspy from sleep and Clarke was sure that her shaking laughter had woken her.

"It seems to me that your hand was feeling lonely last night." Clarke watched as the hand attached to the arm beneath her head began to wiggle before stopping. Lexa seemed to realize that that hand didn't seem to be the hand in question. Then the hand holding her chest gave off a small squeeze. Clarke held in the soft moan as she felt Lexa smile into her shoulder, feeling the front of her teeth against her skin.

"It wasn't my hand that got lonely," Lexa countered with a hint of laughter in her voice, "it was your boob."

"My chest?" Clarke asked, craning her neck to look back and into green eyes that appeared to dance in the morning sunlight.

"Of course. They wanted to be held. They practically begged for attention."

Clarke laughed and lifted her body slightly so that she could lay on her back and look fully at the brunette who was still laying on her side, never once allowing her hand to lose contact with, what Clarke was now positive was, Lexa's favorite part about her body.

"Good morning," Lexa hummed while leaning down to kiss the blonde.

Clarke reached out to touch the side of Lexa's face and trail her fingers along her jaw before they pulled apart. "I'm really going to miss waking up like this every morning."

Lexa watched as the smile on Clarke's face began to sadden and Lexa sighed, unable to agree more. Tonight Clarke would go back to her dorm room and her roommates would return home. Everything beyond that was a mystery between the two of them. And it was something that they needed to talk about but Lexa didn't want to ruin the morning. She decided to go for the light hearted approach.

"I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to sleep without you here. And honestly, I'm not sure how your chest is going to fare without me there to hold them tight when they have nightmares."

The sad smile left Clarke's face as she began to laugh wholeheartedly. "My boobs have nightmares?" Lexa nodded, forcing a mask of seriousness across her face. Clarke just shook her head. "And what kind of nightmares do they have?"

Lexa just shrugged. "Obviously they have nightmares about poking through your thin shirt when you are giving a speech in front of a large group of people."

"Obviously," Clarke supplied with a brilliant smile that Lexa could not resist as she bent down to lay claim to her girlfriend's lips. They laid there kissing for several minutes, just enjoying the feeling of their lips against one another. And Lexa began to realize the truth behind her joke.

She had gotten so used so used to falling asleep with Clarke's warmth beside her these last seven nights that she doubted that she would be able to find any solace tonight. She found herself hoping that the pillows would retain Clarke's scent and that she would be able to hold them close tonight as some small means of a substitute.

"So what's on the agenda for today?" Clarke asked when they finally pulled apart from one another.

The idea of staying in bed all day and rolling around with the blonde was tempting. But a part of her reminded her that it was Sunday and that she had been away far too long from the lands of her people. The feeling of wanting to exist within nature, to feel untainted air fill her nose and whip around her face was overpowering.

"While the idea of you putting on more clothes physically pains me, I was thinking that maybe we can explore another trail this morning?" Lexa bit at her swollen lip, hoping that the idea sounded enticing to the blonde. And she could see the struggle behind those azure eyes. Stay or go? Sex or running? Though if you phrased it that way the obvious answer was to not choose running.

"Any idea what time everyone is getting back home today?" The blonde was still weighing her options and Lexa felt a sigh escape her lips.

"I assume Indra will be back by the time we return from the woods."

Clarke nodded then a sly smile lifted her lips. "Okay, we can go for a run but I need at least another hour in bed."

"Just an hour?" Lexa asked with a raised brow that she had come to realize over the last week seemed to make her girlfriend hot and bothered.

"We can be quick," she whispered seductively.

Lexa went to lean down, to lay over the blonde as her hand finally kneaded meaningfully at the boob it had refused to let go of all morning. A moan escaped Clarke's lips and Lexa could already feel the excitement pooling between her legs. But not a second later, Lexa gasped as she felt herself behind flipped onto her back as the blonde sat straddling her right thigh. Lexa's hands grasped automatically at the blonde's hips.

Lexa could feel a slickness against her thigh where the blonde sat, smiling at the fact that the only thing the blonde was wearing was a shirt, though Clarke remedied that just a second later as the shirt disappeared somewhere across the room.

Lexa gulped as she tried to take in the blonde hovering over her. No matter how many times, no matter how many positions she saw the blonde in over the last seven days, she doubted that she would ever get used to the beauty that was Clarke Griffin.

"Getting used to the view from down there?" She asked with a smug grin.

Lexa wanted to scowl but Clarke's fingers were tracing her stomach and the best she could do was bite her lip. "You managed to kick a soccer ball to knock an orange off my head. I think I deserved more points for my bravery than you did with that shot."

"I think I gave you a lot more than just points for that last night, Lex."

"I think all this is a lot of talking. I'd much rather be fingers deep in my girlfriend."

Clarke gave her a sly smile before she slowly ran a hand through her blonde locks and she swayed her hips, grinding into Lexa's thigh. The breath caught in Lexa's throat. The look of pleasure on Clarke's face along with the wetness on her thigh was almost enough to make Lexa's head spin. She didn't even fight when Clarke had grabbed onto her right hand and dragged it face up onto her own thigh so that Clarke could rub against it for added friction when she thrust again. And when the wetness reached her finger tips Lexa let out in a shaky breath, "Jok, Klarke."

Clarke's grin became wicked as she continued to grind back and forth onto Lexa's awaiting hand and thigh. "Beja?" She asked and the sound of Lexa's native tongue spilling from Clarke's mouth was heavenly. The word alone seeming to pull Lexa into a sitting position where she had better leverage to curl her fingers forward, two fingers finding their way inside her girlfriend who gasped and groaned in the same breath.

"Sha, Beja," Lexa begged as her left hand that held onto Clarke's hip helped to thrust the blonde further down into her hand. She wanted every glorious inch of her that she could get.

\----------

Clarke laid on her back, chest heaving as she tried desperately to catch her breath. The sound of Lexa's panting also filled her ears as she reached out to entwine her hand into the brunette's, a feeling of euphoria washing over her. Euphoria and an aching of muscles to accompany the pressure against her lungs.

"That was..." but Lexa's voice trailed off and Clarke didn't need to look at her girlfriend to know that she was smiling from ear to hear. Those two words sounded joyous, sing song almost and if Clarke could, she would bathe herself in that melody.

"Painful?" Clarke finished, much to the amusement of the girl beside her as they both started laughing.

"God, you're out of shape, Griffin."

Clarke turned to look at the girl beside her to find piercing green eyes already smiling in her direction. They matched so perfectly with the green grass beneath their bodies that it almost seemed surreal. Yet there they lay, gasping for breath beneath the canopy of trees, trying desperately to recover from their four mile run.

"It's criminal that they expect us to play a game only a week after a holiday break," Clarke groaned. What there the chances that her other teammates were keeping up their running and training while off for the week? She sure as hell knew that Octavia had absolutely no plan of stepping foot outside of Lincoln's cabin the moment she had arrived on Thursday evening.

Apparently Lexa was thinking the same thing. "Here's to hoping that not everyone had a hot blonde that kept them chained to their bedrooms all break."

"You didn't tell me chains were an option. Is there a reason you didn't bring them out this week?" Clarke grinned wickedly at her girlfriend whose mouth dropped open in shock. Normally the sexual suggestions fell out from the brunette's lips and not Clarke's. And Clarke had to admit, the more time she spent being around Lexa's sexual humor, the more it seemed to rub off on her.

"I knew you would fight me over who was the one that got tied up," Lexa recovered and while she was joking, Clarke knew that was actually a valid point.

They laid there in silence, soaking up the rays of light and the smell of the earth as they immersed themselves in the nature that surrounded them. Clarke found herself almost envious of the fact that Lexa got to grow up around places like this.

But thinking about the way she used to live brought up the thought about how Lexa and herself were about to live and an uneasiness washed over her. Tomorrow would bring about a change in things to come and Clarke had no idea where that left her. She had just gotten used to this somewhat domesticated life she had lived in for the past week with Lexa and the moment they returned home, it would stop being _their_ home and become _Lexa's_ home once more.

"What's wrong?" Clarke heard from beside her and she could feel the hand in hers squeeze. Though she had said nothing, it seemed that Lexa was in tuned enough with her that she could feel the negative thoughts swirling around in Clarke's head. "I can almost hear you thinking from over here."

"Everything is going to change as soon as we get back today." Her voice was low and she could almost hear the tremor in it. She hoped that Lexa didn't notice.

Another silence fell over them but it was no longer comfortable the way it had been before. The air was filled with tension and a bit of sadness as it appeared that neither girl really knew what to say.

"What is it that you want me to do, Clarke?" The blonde turned away, a stinging in her eyes as she tried to steady her breath. Lexa hadn't asked the question in a snide way, rather she sounded sincere, as if she were willing to do whatever it is that Clarke wanted to do.

But Clarke knew Lexa. She knew that she liked to keep the things she cared about close to the chest. Hell, if she hadn't known that Lexa was close with Indra, Octavia and Raven, Clarke may not have known that they were friends at all. And if that's the way she portrayed her friendships, how was Clarke supposed to ask her to announce the fact that they were dating to anyone at school, let alone all of the girls from the soccer team?

Did Clarke want everyone to know that she was dating Lexa Woods? Yeah, she did. But to ask that of Lexa was selfish. And it was true that their dating put them in an awkward situation with the team dynamics. How was Lexa going to prove that she wasn't showing favoritism to her? She knew that most of her friends wouldn't see things that way but it didn't mean that others wouldn't.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Clarke decided to do what she assumed that Lexa would want to do. "I don't think we should tell anyone." The words felt acidic coming out of her mouth and she reached out for her water to take a drink, to wash away the bitterness off of her tongue.

Lexa let out a long breath. Clarke couldn't really tell if it was relief or disappointment. Maybe it was a little bit of both. "So we go back to school and pretend that nothing has changed between us? We spent the week together as just friends?" Her voice was stoic, void of feeling and it made the space in Clarke's chest ache.

"Raven already knows," Clarke admitted.

"And Indra already has a feeling. I'll talk to her about it tonight before Octavia gets back." Lexa sounded slightly defeated.

"Should we tell Octavia?" Clarke asked and Lexa let out a clipped laugh.

"Not unless we want everyone finding out." Clarke knew Octavia to be loyal and knew that she wouldn't purposely tell anyone if they had asked her not to but she also remembered that it was Octavia who had spilled the news of Lexa's family tragedy to the team a year before and to her a few weeks ago. She understood why it was that she wanted to keep Octavia in the dark.

"I'll tell Raven not to tell anyone," Clarke's voice came out small and sounded muted in her own ears.

"So is it just at school and with the team that you want to keep what we are secret?" She could feel Lexa staring at her when she asked the question but Clarke couldn't bring it in herself to look back. It was hard enough fighting back the tears that were trying to escape her eyes.

"Do our lives consist of anything other than school and soccer?" Lexa's answer was just a sigh in agreement. At least she knew that this was going to be just as hard for Lexa as it was for her.

They sat in silence for another few minutes before Lexa tried to sound optimistic. "Winter break is only a month away."

Clarke couldn't help the small smile tugging at the corner or her lips, the feeling of crying had slowly washed away. "Are you saying you want to spend Christmas with me, Lex? That's some serious relationship territory there."

She expected Lexa to laugh at that but the girl was serious in her response. "It wouldn't be much of a holiday without you there."

The admission made Clarke's heart melt as she finally turned to look at the brunette who was offering her a warm smile and she lost herself in green eyes. Lexa may have been the one to say it, but Clarke knew that it was true of herself as well. The thought of sitting beside a pine tree with gifts at her feet sounded nice, but add to that Lexa right beside her and it would feel like home. And she hadn't felt like she had had a home to really return to without her father around. She needed Lexa to make this Christmas without her father bearable.

Lexa was her home and she had this desperate need inside of her to tell Lexa how she felt, to tell her that she loved her. The sparkling green eyes beckoned the truth out of her but as she opened her mouth, the words got stuck in her throat. Instead she reached over and pulled Lexa's lips into her own.

The kiss was desperate, both knowing that they didn't have much time left until they wouldn't be able to do this again, at least not whenever it was the need arose. They were banishing themselves to a life of secrecy and that meant no kissing, no touching, and no revealing their true emotions. But here in this forest they didn't need to hide. Clarke refused to hide.

Lexa's lips were a mixture of sweet and salty, always soft beneath Clarke's own. They moved hungrily and Clarke tried to drink in as much of the brunette as she could, wishing that this moment would never end, that they would never have to leave this place.

She could feel Lexa's hands on her waist, pulling Clarke's body over to her and Clarke allowed herself to be controlled by those hands as the pulled and twisted until Clarke found her body right on top of Lexa's. It was cliche to think that their bodies fit together like a puzzle, because they didn't. But they seemed to mold together as if they did.

Clarke didn't care that their shirts clung to their own bodies from the sweat of their run, or that their skin that was touching was sticky from it. She used to hate it when Finn would hug her after soccer practice and hated the idea of them touching even the slightest bit when she felt so gross from exertion. But with Lexa it was all so different. With Lexa she felt safe, she felt wanted, she felt beautiful. She didn't feel gross.

Clarke had no idea how long they laid there kissing but it was long enough that the sun had shifted in the sky and the sweat at her back dissipated, licked away by the cool breeze of fall. When they finally pulled away with sighs and got up to gather their bottles of water, they decided to forego the run home and decided to walk back the four miles with their hands entwined trying to keep their conversation light, trying to forget what it is they would find themselves without come nightfall.

"So are you excited to see your roommates again?"

Lexa laughed. "I definitely haven't missed hearing Octavia moaning loudly when I come home to find that Lincoln is over visiting."

Clarke rolled her eyes, though she was very happy that Raven didn't make her suffer through evenings like that. "And Indra?" she asked.

Lexa gave her a small smile. "I think I'm ready to smooth things over with Indra again. How about you? Happy to see Reyes again?"

Clarke let out a small groan in response and Lexa looked at her with curiosity. "The amount of questions and teasing I'll be getting from Raven this week may become insufferable."

Lexa's grin grew wide. "So you're going to tell her how I rocked your world in bed and how you just couldn't get enough of me all week?" She wiggled her eyebrows and Clarke couldn't help the laugher that poured out of her, which only got louder when Lexa gave her this faux look of disappointment in her response.

"Actually, I should probably thank Raven. She did give me a sex tip that you seemed to rather enjoy." She couldn't help the blush that filled her cheeks when Lexa demanded to know which move it was.

"The girl deserves a gift basket," the brunette said as she shook her head in amusement.

"That's exactly what I thought!"

"Leave it to me." The look in Lexa's eyes appeared wicked.

\----------

There was a quiet that filled the room that had once been welcome, now it appeared stifling. It rang through Lexa's ears and dripped of loneliness. It had been an hour since Clarke left the apartment with all of her things to return back to her dorm room and the Commander couldn't bring herself to do anything more than just sit on the couch, lost in thought.

Memories of the last week flooded her mind and left her feeling torn between being happy that they existed and distraught that Clarke was absent. She knew that she shouldn't be upset, that she would see Clarke tomorrow and everyday for that matter, but still, something felt as if it were missing. It was as if Clarke had taken a piece of Lexa with her when she walked out that door.

It didn't help that she successfully bit back the disappointment she had been feeling since Clarke made her decision. She had listened to what it was that Clarke wanted and her heart strained in her chest. And the self doubt that plagued her was an unwelcome visitor that she hadn't many occasion to house.

Lexa knew it in her mind. When it came to Clarke, she was a love sick puppy. Though 'love' wasn't really the right sentiment. Lexa wasn't in love. Or at least that's what she kept trying to tell herself. Sure the world around her seemed to brighten when Clarke was around and she constantly found herself wanting to be close to the blonde. But that wasn't love, right?

Either way, had it been up to Lexa, she would have opted to tell the entire world about their relationship. And for her, that was a large step. A step she often would never take. She had this fear since she was a child that if you shared too much, the things shared could be much more easily lost. Sharing wasn't really her thing.

Then after the accident, that inability to share with the world extended to non material things such as relationships with others. If she kept them safe and guarded then no one could take them away from her. But this thing with Clarke? Keeping it inside just felt wrong. And so she had spent the entire week openly displaying her affections for the blonde to whoever was there to see it. And it felt so open, so free, so right.

But Clarke did not feel the same way and Lexa cared about what Clarke wanted so she bit her tongue and decided it best to respect her wishes. Clarke had explained herself a little more on the train ride back to the apartment and the things she said made sense, though Lexa's feelings kept trying to poke holes in the logic. Clarke was the lone freshman on the team and dating the captain could look to some as a power move. On top of that she had said that what happened between them was new and she wanted some time for them to figure things out, whatever the hell that meant.

Lexa almost laughed. Was she not the one who sat in the back of the town car, dripping wet with desire as the blonde straddled her hips while she pleaded for time? Wasn't she the one who said that she was the one that wasn't ready for a full on relationship? So why was it that a week later the tables had turned and it was instead Clarke that was running?

But none of that mattered, she had to remind herself. If Clarke needed time then Lexa would give her whatever time she needed to be sure.

The sound of a door opening filled the room and momentarily filled Lexa with hope until she saw Indra walk through the door, two bags slung over her shoulder and a tired look on her face. The feeling of hope fell the second Lexa realized that it wasn't Clarke walking through the door, but she was still happy to see her friend.

"How are our people?" Lexa asked and a look of surprise washed over Indra's features. Their relationship had been strained after their last fight and ever since Lexa had found out that it was Indra who sent Clarke on November fifth in hopes of destroying their friendship, Lexa had refused to talk to her unless it was absolutely necessary.

"They are good. All looking forward to the imperial wedding in fall." The mention of Timothy's ceremony was enough to put a scowl on Lexa's face but she made sure to keep the look of nonchalance. It was not her place to show bad feelings over her future Heda, especially in the company of other tribesmen.

"And did Heda select a bride for his son?" She asked the question but she found herself desperately praying that the answer was anyone other than her friend.

A look of relief passed over Indra's face. "Yes, Timothy and Sofia will be marrying at the beginning of Spring." She gave Lexa a timid smile after Lexa let out a relieved breath. "I fear this means that you are stuck with me as your second, Commander."

Lexa couldn't hide the grin from her face. "And it is good to keep you at my side." And just like that, the argument, the anger, the fight - it was all over. Neither girl was one for apologies and both knew that of the another. Their shared smiles was all that was needed to signify that their dispute was over.

"And have you fallen in love with Griffin sometime during the week?" Indra's question came out slightly strained.

"No, I'm not one to fall in love so easily," Lexa responded in complete delusion. And Indra seemed to let out a long breath as her muscles seemed to relax. Though her shoulders became stiff immediately after Lexa followed that by saying, "But Clarke is my girlfriend."

The room became quiet as Lexa allowed Indra time to take in the answer, to accept it as reality. "Clarke is very lucky to have you. And are you going to make your relationship known to our coach? It would be best if she heard it from you before someone else." Indra was always the pragmatist, always looking out for Lexa's best interest.

The truth was, Lexa had forgotten all about her coach. Lexa had been given free reign to run the team however she pleased as long as she maintained the decorum of professionalism, that was the only agreement the two had made when she had handed Lexa over the captain's armband. Dating her most junior teammate fell outside of professional and a part of her now wondered what that would mean for her command of the team. So maybe it was for the best that Clarke wanted to keep their relationship quiet.

"We aren't coming out into the open with this. The only people we plan to tell are you and Reyes and we would like it to stay that way." Lexa gave Indra a glaring look reiterating that this was more of a command than a request and as Indra had been taught as a child, she nodded her head, accepting the role she had been given.

"May I suggest then that we not tell Octavia?" Lexa smirked. It was good to know that even after all these days of not speaking, that they still found themselves on the same wavelength.

Indra smiled and went to take her bags into her room but just as she was about to enter Lexa couldn't help but let the emotions attach themselves to what she said next. "I care for her a lot, Indra."

What she didn't expect was for Indra to give her a small smile in return and nod. "That is something I've known for months, Alexa." There weren't many people who called her by that name. It had been the variation that her mother had always used, that Indra had grown up hearing and only used when being sincere.

"Then you are a smarter person than I."

Both girls smiled deeply at one another when Indra said, "And that is something I've known for years."

\----------

The air outside was crisp and light under the dying sunlight in the cool November air. And sounds of chatter filled the space as students began returning back to school housing, a mixture between sadness of the last hours of vacation and happiness to see their friends again. It was a sight of the campus returning to life, walkways filling with people.

To Clarke the walk from Lexa's apartment to her dorm room felt lonely and she found herself wishing that she had excepted Lexa's offer to walk back with her. It had to have been one of the most amazing weeks of her life and it had come to an end. She knew she should be on cloud nine still, blessed to have it, but the weight of it sat heavy on her chest and a part of her worried about the days ahead.

By the time she reached her room she had this overwhelming desire to text her girlfriend, to call her and hear her voice. But it had been less than an hour and she didn't want to appear overbearing. She looked down at her watch, the one that had once been her fathers, it read 6:30. She did the math and thought it best to wait until at least another two hours.

"Perfect timing, Griffin!" Clarke turned, a smile lifting at her lips to see the brunette defender walking up behind her with a large duffle bag on her back. Her hair was held back in its normal pony tail and she was sporting the red leather jacket she seemed to love. She had to admit, she had missed her roommate.

"Hey Raven, have a good time with your family?" She had pulled open the door and Raven followed closely behind her, shutting the door as quickly as she could.

"Forget about my vacation. I want to know what happened with you and Commander Heart Eyes!" Clarke's heartbeat began to race and she was a mix of emotions, sitting somewhere between anxious and excited.

"Commander Heart Eyes?" was all she replied, smirking at the nickname. If Raven only knew.

Raven just huffed in frustration. "Did you sleep together or not, Princess?"

Clarke scowled at the second nickname but there was no hiding the tinge of red that flooded her cheeks or the grin she was unable to contain. Both of which had Raven smiling wickedly from ear to ear. But the girl leaned forward anyway, needing to hear the answer. "Yes."

Raven started slow clapping and Clarke reached out to punch her in the arm. "Did you make her wait or did you put out after the first date?"

Clarke could feel her face getting hotter as she averted her eyes, trying not to look at Raven directly who started laughing hysterically. "Have you and Wick even been on a date before?" She shot back.

Raven just held up her hands in surrender. "I'm not slut shaming you, Grif. I was just trying to figure out which one of my best friends had more sex this week. It definitely wasn't me!" Though there was a slight hint of redness on Raven's cheeks that caught Clarke's eye.

"You may not have gotten as much, but did you get any?"

Raven plopped down onto her bed with a sly smile on her face. "The Commander isn't the only one who knows how to get herself some action." Which resulted in Clarke throwing a pillow in the girl's face.

"So does that mean Wick came down to visit?"

Raven shook her head. "No, I think Wick and I are done. I'm on to bigger and better things."

"Guy things or girl things?" Her question got an eye roll.

"Who are you, Woods?" It wasn't lost on Clarke that Raven had avoided giving an answer which made her wonder if she possibly knew who this mystery person was. But before she could press for more information, Raven interrupted her with questions of her own.

"So is the Commander as good in bed as everyone says she is?" The thought of Lexa sleeping with other women made her smile falter slightly. Of course she knew Lexa had a long history with girls at this school. Raven had once said that she wouldn't have been surprised to hear if Lexa had gone through half the female population at this university. But thinking of her with them after they had shared a bed for the last week made her feel uneasy. It wasn't lost on Raven.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." but she didn't really know what to say to make that last question any better.

"It's fine," Clarke said, shaking her head of the thought. Then she smiled, returning to the question asked. "It was pretty fucking amazing, Ray."

"Like toe curling amazing? Or calling out for a higher power so much that you finally see God amazing?" When Clarke said nothing, the smile on her face growing wider Raven whistled. "Holy shit. Wait until Octavia hears this."

In that moment Clarke's heart fell into her stomach as a sea of fear washed over her. "No, Raven, you cannot tell anyone!" She reached out to grab her roommates wrist with a firm grip to help cement the seriousness of her request.

Raven looked at the hand holding her in confusion. "So it was just sex then? The Commander couldn't make herself commit?" There was a slight disdain in the girl's voice, almost as if she were annoyed at Lexa. "You'd think she would have the cohones to have asked you out."

Clarke took a deep breath. "No, she did. Officially, Lexa Woods is my girlfriend. We just don't want to tell anyone besides you and Indra."

Raven's look of annoyance turned to upset. "You mean to tell me that Lexa asked you to keep your relationship a secret? No, fuck that, Clarke. We are going to go over there right now and-"

"She didn't ask me to. I told her that's what I wanted. Lexa left it up to me." Clarke had pulled Raven back down onto her roommate's bed as she had made a motion to get up and go give the Commander a piece of her mind. But now the tables were turned and Raven was giving her an incredulous look before nearly shouting at the blonde.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Clarke? Why the hell would you ask her for that?"

Clarke groaned, letting go of her friend so that she could bury her head in her hands. "I don't know, Ray. Because I think it's for the best if we just take our time with this and figure out what it is we're doing before we tell the people. So could you please just be my friend through this and not tell anyone?"

She could feel the bed beneath her drop slightly as Raven got up to sit down beside the blonde who looked a bit miserable. Clarke could feel an arm drape around her and a hand squeeze at her shoulder. "I'm your girl, Griffin. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. Plus I still owe you one for that glitter bomb." And both girls laughed, lifting Clarke out of her mood. She was about to thank her friend when a knock drew their attention to the door.

Raven went to answer it and Clarke could hear a male voice at the other end. "Are you Raven Reyes?"

"Yes."

The man shoved a wrapped up basket into her hands. "The Commander wanted me to give this to you and tell you that she very much appreciated the advice you gave to your hot blonde roommate." And like that the guy walked away, leaving a confused Raven in his wake.

"What advice did I give you?" She asked as she tore the wrap off the basket, causing Clarke to roll over onto her bed in a fit of laughter.

It was a fruit basket filled with fruit that looked very much like sexual body parts. There were chocolate covered bananas with two kiwi fruits attached at the bottom. There were round pineapple slices with maraschino cherries at their center. There was even a small cantaloupe with a small slit cut down the front. There was even a note that was attached.

**Fun things for you to stick in your mouth.**

And on the other side it said.

**P.S. I still want to know what you which of these you prefer most**

It was in reference to the question that Raven had refused to answer during the truth game and Clarke could not stop the tears from rolling down her eyes. And even though Raven was smiling from ear to ear, clearly impressed by Lexa's creativity, she said "You're fucking girlfriend is a pain in the ass." Then she laughed and said "and you're an asshole for telling her that I was the one that told you about licking off your fingers."

Clarke just shrugged. "Hey, at least now we know that it was good advice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think this one may have been the longest chapter that I've written, though I take it that there aren't any complaints. I originally planned on taking the conversation between Clarke and Raven and putting it in the next chapter but I decided to just give you a long chapter. Plus I'm pretty excited for the next one. Jealous Lexa from Clarke's POV! 
> 
> You guys are definitely the best. The amount of comments I've been getting has been heart warming. And for that I think I will go ahead and post the next chapter on Monday. For those of us in the US, it's a holiday! A post to start off and end my long weekend.


	30. Welcome Back to Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 29:  
> Clarke made the hard decision of deciding to keep her and Lexa's relationship a secret, each girl then confided in their closest friend.
> 
> \---
> 
> I wanted to start this chapter by paying tribute to all those who have served and died for our countries. It is Memorial Day here in the US and it is a time to reflect on the people who give so much for us so that we may enjoy the luxuries we have at home, many of whom give more than any of us have a right to ask for. For your service and sacrifice I thank you! And here is to hoping that one day the world will be able to move forward with progress without demanding such high costs in return.

The last three and a half days had been pure torture. It seemed like just one thing after another that caused a sea of frustration to fall upon the Commander. The first thing had been the amount of homework that her teachers had been giving out, as if they had just realized that there was less than a month left in the semester. All her free time in the evenings would need to be spent with her nose inside of textbooks.

The second was that it seemed as if a majority of the team took the meaning of vacation from school as a meaning from vacation from physical activity. Or at least physical activity as related to soccer. Half way through their first practice girls had hands on their knees as they inhaled deeply, straining for breath. Passes which had been perfected were off by a yard, maybe more. Foot skills were not as sharp. Defenders were standing on their heels. The Commander's voice was raw from yelling at her players to "get their fucking hands off their knees and their heads out of their asses and concentrate."

She was spending a lot more time in people's faces than she would have liked, getting silent death glares from her teammates which she was more than willing to return. Octavia was the one to take her stare down the longest, lasting nearly twenty seconds until she averted her eyes and apologized. "I don't want your apologies, Blake. I want you to do your damn job."

On Tuesday she started off practice with a two mile run, vowing to do it again the next day and the next until she was confident that they would make it through this Saturday's game without anyone slowing down their sprints due to exhaustion. She was certain that the girls of Roanoke Lake University hadn't taken a day off, knowing they needed to prepare for them as they were the only undefeated team in their division. Four games had been played by every team thus far and the team in second, while they hadn't lost a game, had tied once.

And now that Wednesday's practice had come and gone Lexa was sure that she would need to have the team run another two miles during this afternoon's practice, knowing she couldn't have them run it again tomorrow. It was too close to the game and she didn't need to add tired legs to their now slight loss of endurance.

And she wasn't the only one in a bad mood about the state of the team, it seemed. On Tuesday there was a game of six on six played amongst the team and Harper spent the better part of half of it yelling at Reyes who would argue with the keeper and the two would go at it until Lexa had to separate them. And the Commander was forced to remind the defender that it was the keeper who was in charge of the defense.

But neither of those two things were nearly as frustrating as it was being near Clarke and forcing herself to keep the blonde at over an arms distance away. What was even more difficult than that was forcing the emotion off of her face whenever it was that she found herself wanting to smile in her girlfriend's directions.

She would be eating lunch with Indra and Harper and hear the blonde's laugher ringing a few tables down as she laughed at something that either Raven or Octavia had said and she had to force herself not to look. But she could see it in her mind anyway. Clarke's head would be tilted back with her eyes closed, holding onto her stomach when those deep laughs fell from her throat.

Clarke would be standing beside her in a huddle and she could feel the electricity radiating as Clarke would purposely brush the back of their hands together or lean further in with Clarke's chest grazing against Lexa's tricep. And she had to force herself to leave the locker room twice already as Clarke would strip off her shirt to change out of her sweat coated workout jersey, always seeming to know exactly what angle would provide Lexa with the best view. After the first time Lexa had quickly sent a girlfriend a text.

**Lexa (6:50 pm): How are they? Please tell them that I miss them.**

And it seemed that Clarke needed no further explanation of what she was referring to.

**Clarke (6:52 pm): You were right, they miss your hands holding them in the middle of the night**

**Lexa (6:54 pm): If you'll excuse me, I'm pretty sure my hands are going to be busy for the next ten minutes.**

**Clarke (6:55 pm): ...**

**Clarke (6:56 pm): Damnit, Lex. How am I supposed to do my lit assignment now while I think about you doing that?**

**Lexa (6:58 pm): You're more than welcome to skip your group meeting and come watch.**

**Clarke (7:00 pm): I hate you.**

The only relief Lexa had would be in the mornings when Clarke would join her for their morning runs and they would use their elevator ride to plant soft kisses and whisper soft somethings in each others' ears. And every night before bed she would steal away to her room while Raven was busy preparing for the next day and her and Clarke would talk on the phone, sharing their days and telling each other how much they missed the other. And it left her dreams filled with images of blonde hair and blue eyes so that she woke feeling as if she could make it through the day once again.

But by far the hardest thing of the week came on Thursday during lunch when Lexa watched Bellamy Blake slide an arm around Clarke's shoulder, asking her girlfriend out on a date. And there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it.

\----------

"There is absolutely no way in hell that I'm going to help you with your math homework again tonight," Raven groaned at her best friend who just pouted her lips.

"But Ray, you are the smartest person that I know." Octavia added in a small huff, trying to sweet talk her way into Raven agreeing to help her and Clarke couldn't help but laugh at the exchange between them.

"While that might be true, the last time I 'helped' you, I ended up just doing eighty percent of the work for you."

Octavia smiled. "Which leaves twenty percent for me. Did you see that subtraction? See, I learned something. You are obviously the best math tutor there is."

"You know, if you didn't spend the entire weekend screwing Lincoln, you may have had some time to work on this assignment." And Raven started laughing as Octavia glared at her.

"Well at least one of us is getting action," she muttered as Raven gave Clarke a sly smirk and Clarke gave her a look that told her to keep her mouth shut which caused Octavia to raise an eyebrow.

"I would prefer not to hear anything about you getting action." The baritone voice beside Clarke nearly made her jump, or it could have been the large, warm arm now draped across her shoulders. It took her a moment to realize that Bellamy had his arm slung around her and she froze. Raven immediately began to straighten and both girls stole glances at the table across the room where Lexa Woods had a clear view the guy now holding her girlfriend.

"If you would prefer not to hear about it, then I suggest you leave." Octavia crossed her arms and leaned back against her chair as she eyed Clarke and her brother suspiciously. Clarke stole another quick glance at Lexa who stared at them with a tight jaw as if she were tightly clenching her teeth together.

"Holy fucking shit," Raven whispered, just loud enough for only Clarke to hear.

Bellamy laughed, the sound shaking both him and Clarke who was desperately trying to figure out a way out of the boy's hold without telling anyone exactly why she needed him to let go. "What's up, Bell?" She asked. There was a slight squeak in her voice that just made him smile larger. He had misinterpreted her uneasiness of his touch.

"I actually came over here to talk to you. We haven't really talked a whole lot since Woods' party." Clarke wanted to groan as the memory of the party rushed back to her mind, or at least the part that she remembered. She unfortunately was unable to forget grinding her ass into Bellamy, nor could she forget the feeling of his excitement against her back. What she had to be reminded of the next day was that Lexa practically threw him out of her house when he had tried to call them a cab.

No, they hadn't talked much since the party because things between them had felt weird. That and she had blamed him for ruining what could have turned out to be a perfect night dancing suggestively with the Commander. But she couldn't really say any of that.

"Things have just been so busy with school and soccer."

He looked at her with understanding and added, "yeah, and football for me. But I was hoping that maybe we could find some time together to just hang out on Saturday evening."

Raven began choking on her water and Clarke flashed her a look as her roommate's eyes flickered towards Lexa while Octavia asked her friend if she was okay. She had asked something else, but Clarke couldn't hear it.

Lexa was purposely not looking in Clarke's direction but that wasn't what had Raven choking on her drink. The Commander had her steak knife with the pointed tip pointed down on the table while her right hand held the hilt of it, slowly and purposefully spinning the knife in circles. In another time, in another life, the Commander wielding a knife like that would have been a threat. At this time, in this life, Clarke knew it was Lexa trying to cope with and calm down her anger. But even Clarke had to admit, the look was somewhat terrifying. She ignored the voice in her head that suggested that it was also a little hot.

"Clarke?" Bellamy asked.

"Uh, I don't know. We have a game on Saturday and I think we have a great shot at winning so where we go sorta depends on who scores the last goal." She gave the boy a small smile. It wasn't a 'yes', but he wasn't taking it as a 'no' either.

"Of course you guys will win. Just be sure to feed Octavia or Woods the ball and we can party at their place." Clarke felt somewhat annoyed. She knew he wasn't trying to say that no one else on the team was capable and merely trying to get the party held at Lexa's place. But she couldn't stop the eye roll which made Octavia burst out in laughter.

"Look, Bell. You're a fun guy to hang out with and I really want us to be friends. I'm just not looking for a boyfriend right now." There, straight forward and to the point. It should have been enough, but sometimes people just hear the things that they want to hear. And what Bellamy heard was not what she intended.

"Hey, if you're looking to just have a good time, I can give you a good time." And Bellamy gave her a suggestive smile and it was apparently too much for her girlfriend whose stoic facade crumbled for a fraction of a second. If looks could kill, Bellamy Blake would be dead. And it wouldn't have been an ordinary death. Clarke wasn't sure if his body would be recognizable after the scorching gaze that was thrown in his direction. And her hand that was holding the knife was now gripping it tight and her knuckles were nearly white.

Clarke watched as Indra's eyes flickered in her direction before she whispered something to Lexa who looked away from Clarke and nodded her head before getting up and swiftly making her way out of the cafeteria, not bothering once to look back in Clarke's direction. And though she walked as elegantly and regal as she normally did, Clarke could see the tension deep in her shoulders.

"Okay, bro, that is just disgusting. I don't want to hear that at all."

"Hey Clarke, don't you have that literature group thing you were supposed to be at right now?"

Clarke turned to Raven who was giving her a worried look and was trying to give her an escape from this situation. If she could have, she would have kissed the girl. But then again, Clarke knew that wouldn't have made her situation with Lexa any better.

"Yeah, you're right, I completely forgot."

"I thought you had that study group on Tuesday night?" Octavia asked with a confused look and Clarke wanted to throw her cornbread at her friend.

"We did but there is still something we haven't finished so we said we would meet today and it looks like I'm late." She turned to Bellamy, "it was nice seeing you again, we should do this again sometime." She didn't say soon. She prayed this wouldn't happen again soon. Preferably not at all.

She stood up and escaped from the guy's grip. "Yeah, just let me know where the party is at on Saturday and I'll come out to meet you."

"Sure," she said without a second thought and a moment later she was out the door, desperate to find Lexa.

She searched the halls for close to an hour and couldn't find Lexa anywhere and her girlfriend's phone appeared to be off. She found herself growling in frustration. This was her fault, she had never asked for this to happen. But a part of her knew that her decision to keep their relationship secret was the reason that she couldn't immediately tell Bellamy that she was taken by someone else. And it had put her in a tough spot. But that didn't mean that she hadn't been right. At least that was what she kept telling herself.

"Hey Clarke," the blonde turned to see Monroe sitting on a bench, with a chemistry book draped across her lap, a smile on her face.

"Hey, Roe. Weird question, any chance you've seen Woods running around?"

Monroe's lips pursed together and her eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah, her and Harper said they were going to head out to the pitch to practice." When she saw the relief on Clarke's face she added, "but they were both in pretty foul moods so you may want to steer clear of the pitch."

Clarke nodded. People were often telling her she should leave Lexa alone when she was in one of her moods. She never listened and she wasn't going to start now. "Okay, thanks! See you this afternoon?"

"Yeah, we can suffer through another grueling run again today, I'm sure." And the girls exchanged smiles before Clarke went off to try and fix her current situation.

\----------

The need to destroy something was overpowering. Destroy what exactly? Lexa wasn't sure. All she knew was that the vision in her eyes was becoming narrow and the world around her seemed to be drenched in hues of red. And the ringing in her ears seemed to drown out the world around her, though not completely. Not enough for it to overpower her ability to hear Monroe's voice across the hall.

"Jesus, Harper, will you just tell me what the hell has you walking around like someone kicked your puppy? Maybe then we can deal with it. If you can't talk to your best friend then who else can you talk to?" Monroe's hand was gripping at the blonde's forearm, squeezing and a look of desperation filled her features. But Harper wouldn't look at her.

She was sitting on a bench beside her friend with her elbows on her parted knees, hands entwined together beneath her chin as her back slumped forward to meet them. But it was her eyes that Lexa found herself focused on. There was anger there, resentment, some annoyance perhaps. But more importantly she seemed to mirror Lexa's desire to destroy something.

"Harper," Lexa said cooly, though there was still a bite to the words, flicking off her tongue.

"Woods," the blonde replied with the same amount of bite.

"Commander," Monroe gulped, clearly catching the murderous gaze in her eyes, flinching the moment Lexa focused her attention on the defender who only a moment before was able to handle the same gaze from her friend.

Lexa merely nodded her head at the girl before turning back to Harper. "Care to launch yourself at a few shots?"

Harper looked at her with a sly smile, the thought of getting out her frustrations appeared appealing. Could she see the same anger in Lexa's eyes? Could she tell that Lexa needed something to distract her too?

She didn't answer her and instead turned back to her friend and patted the hand still holding onto her arm. "See you later, Zoe." Monroe gave her a pleading stare as if asking her to stay and Lexa pushed down the pang of sorrow that she felt for the girl in that moment as she lead Harper out to the locker room.

They got ready without a word between them, the energy of anger filling the space between them in a thick fog. Lexa swore she could almost see it, swirling above their heads, leaving no air around them untouched, absolutely nothing safe in its wake. And yet it bothered neither girl. It was as if they both accepted their need to give over to the darkness, both feeling as if there was no reason anymore to fight against it.

They didn't speak until Harper had stopped Lexa's third shot at goal. Though to be fair, she had stopped the previous two as well. "So I was right, you just needed someone to kick something at. You're obviously not trying to score a goal."

She had been right. Lexa wasn't in the mind set to concentrate. The only thing she wanted to do, the only thing she could do, was launch her foot at the stationary ball with as much force as she could muster, trying desperately to rid her body of all this tension. There was no thought, no aim, just reaction to the demons in her head.

Lexa grunted. She launched another ball, attempting for the corner of the net but missed the position horribly and Harper flung her body at the ball, blocking it easily. "And you are throwing your body onto the floor at balls you could easily save with two feet on the ground." In response Harper merely grunted back.

Lexa was quite fond of Harper. She was a woman of few words but when she did speak the words held meaning. She often thought about her answers long before she gave them which Lexa also knew meant that the girl left a lot of things unsaid. And that was something that Lexa understood well. Thoughtfulness over reactivity.

"Girl problems?" Harper huffed before Lexa finally landed a shot in goal, a look of disgust on the keeper's face. Lexa had shot the ball right at Harper's face and she had lunged, expecting the ball to soar to her right. It was a mistake Harper rarely made when anyone was shooting from beyond the eighteen yard box as Lexa was now.

"I could ask you the same thing," Lexa replied. It's not like she could answer Harper's question even if she had wanted to. What was she supposed to say? It seemed that Harper felt the same way, shrugging as a means to answer Lexa's statement.

Harper never talked much about her sexuality and it left a lot of people wondering those first two years. Lexa didn't seem to care either way. She may have been fond of teasing Raven for her "inability to make decisions" but she only did that because Raven didn't mind and at times it was a fun banter of wits. But Lexa knew that deep down, none of it really mattered.

We are who we are. And no one has a right to tell us who we are besides us. And she always held herself with that conviction especially around Harper which is probably why the girl came out to her over the summer. Lexa had just nodded and patted her on the back, a move of acceptance. She didn't make a spectacle of it, neither one wanted that. It created a bond of respect between the two. The topic was never brought up between them after that unless it involved Harper going to Lexa for some advice or insight.

Harper never went to her for relationship advice, though. Both were smart enough to know that that topic of conversation wasn't Lexa's forte. It appeared that is still wasn't.

The more balls she kicked, the more the anger was starting to fall away until she was able to see things in front of her more clearly. She could see that Harper was leaning just before she took the kick. And she took a deep breath, focusing before letting it soar, hitting the back of the net on the opposite side that Harper had jumped.

"You're leaning too soon," Lexa said.

"I'm not doing shit," Harper growled.

Again she leaned too soon, this time to the left. Lexa scored to her right. She lay on the floor, a frustrated yell escaping her mouth. Maybe Harper needed more than just this exchange of soccer balls thrust in her direction.

"Want to talk about it?" Lexa had picked up the ball at her feet and was walking back towards the girl in goal who had yet to make an effort to get up.

"Getting soft on me, Woods?" But both girls exchanged smiles as Lexa offered Harper her arm and pulled the girl back to her feet. Harper sighed when Lexa said nothing in return. "Why do people agree to accept things and then get upset when it comes to doing what they said they could do?"

The question was vague, but it still pulled at Lexa's chest. Could there have been a more apt question asked of her? She agreed to keep her relationship secret and yet there she was, storming out of the food hall and taking out her anger on soccer balls. She knew that Clarke didn't feel anything for Bellamy and that she was only allowing him to throw his hand over her shoulder because, well, what would be her excuse to shrug it off?

But she couldn't help it. Bellamy holding her close brought on the onslaught of the memory of the party at her house after their first home game victory. Clarke grinding up against the guy's front as he held her hips tightly, pushing himself into her. The look or euphoria on her face while he tasted the skin of her neck. The lust present in both of their eyes. How was she not supposed to be reminded of that when watching him touch her?

She had wanted nothing more than to storm over there and yank him from his seat, sprawling him out against the floor where he couldn't lay even an inch of his body against her girlfriend even if he had tried. She wanted to cut off his arm, so that it could never drape across her shoulder again and she hadn't even noticed that she had picked up her knife.

None of that, however, was what upset the brunette. It was the fact that she couldn't control her emotions as they raged through her. It was the fact that Indra had to lean over and pull her out of her thoughts of murdering Bellamy Blake in the cafeteria, telling her to take a walk. And the concern in her friend's voice - she felt ashamed. Since when was she unable to control her feelings? After all, Harper was right, people who agree to follow terms needed to not complain when asked to perform.

There was also something else that sat heavily on Lexa's shoulders about how Clarke requested that they keep what they were secret. She knew what the feeling was but she refused to let herself think it. But every day that passed was another day the question began to clear and formulate in her mind and it made her feel somewhat inadequate. Not worthy.

"People think they're stronger than they actually are, I guess." Just as she had thought she was strong enough to keep this secret. She needed to become it for Clarke's sake.

Harper shook her head and slumped her shoulders but the anger she once had wasn't there the same way it had been before. She seemed to find herself where Lexa now did, accepting that some things were not in their control. Such as the emotions of others, or even their own. "A always, Woods, your insight was helpful." But there was a slight tease in her voice that had the both of them grinning.

"For what it's worth, whatever it is that Reyes did to piss you off, I'm sure she just needs time."

"I'm that obvious, huh?" The truth was that she wasn't. Had it not been for the change of demeanor on the practice pitch this week, Lexa would have thought nothing of it. But part of her training as a kid was to see things that others overlooked, to find and magnify the details that others saw as minute. And the way the two girls were glaring at each other the last three days? Lexa wasn't sure what was going on, but it was something. And she could probably guess what.

"No," she responded honestly. "I'm sure no one else has caught on. But if you need to talk about it, let me know."

Harper nodded. "And if you need to talk about Clarke..." Harper trailed off but it wasn't as if she needed to finish her sentence. They both knew the underlying sentiment.

"I'm that obvious, huh?" She asked, repeating Harper's question. She tried to think back over the past week and figure out where she had gone wrong, where she may have said the wrong thing, where she may have stared at her girlfriend a second too long.

Harper smiled. "No, I didn't know about it until you just confirmed it. Which I only brought up because she's standing right behind you looking as if she's afraid she did something wrong." And Lexa groaned. So she hadn't done anything wrong until a second ago. Harper just patted her on the shoulder. "My lips are sealed, Commander."

Lexa nodded and gave her a warm smile before turning away and motioning for the other blonde to follow her into the locker room. What was she supposed to say now? More so than that, how was she supposed to overcome this feeling of wanting to possess her? She felt it the instant they had locked eyes.

\----------

Clarke's anxiety was higher than it had been in a long time as she watched Lexa slowly open up doors and check rooms, verifying that they were indeed alone. Clarke wasn't sure if she was purposely taking as long as she possibly could or if it was her imagination that seemed to exaggerate time.

"Shouldn't you be in your communications class right now?" she heard out of the last remaining room. So they were alone then. Clarke decided that she wasn't going to wait and marched into the room behind Lexa, shutting the door behind them.

The click of the door closing made Lexa flinch as Clarke could see the muscles in her back tightening. "Good thing I don't have a speech to give today," she laughed nervously. Should she be in class? Most definitely. Would she be able to concentrate had she not talked to Lexa first? No. She would be too busy remembering the way she had flown out of the cafeteria.

She had spent the better part of the last hour running over a million different scenarios in her head, a few of which involved Lexa yelling, one going as far as Lexa deciding to break up with her. And she had been preparing a speech just for that. It involved telling her how this wasn't her fault, that she was being unfair, that she'd rather tell everyone than risk losing her. But the speech never made it past her mind, sitting on her tongue before being forced back down her throat.

She didn't see it coming. One second she was staring at Lexa's back, ready to deliver a well thought out speech and the next, her back was against a wall and Lexa's tongue was in her mouth, hips being roughly pushed up against hers.

There was nothing soft about this kiss, nothing loving or caring. There was a rawness to it, a sense of unchecked desire as Lexa moved against her as if she wanted to possess her, to take what it was that she had owned. And something in the back of Clarke's mind told her that she shouldn't be okay with this but that voice was quickly drowned out by the moan that escaped her throat.

It became hard to think, hard to remember, hard to rationalize why it was they were standing in this room in the first place. Lexa's hands were tightly gripping her hips, pulling them as much as she could into her own. Clarke's fingers were lost somewhere in Lexa's hair which had somehow escaped it's messy bun. Lexa's head dipped from side to side, changing the angle of the kiss, trying to push a little bit deeper each time.

The scent of wood and smoke and a bit of sweat filled her nose and a saltiness lingered on her tongue as her lips began to tingle. She wanted more. She had gone far too long without Lexa's touch and she couldn't remember quite why that was anymore. And so she freed one of her hands and grabbed onto one of Lexa's thrusting it up her shirt. And her skin stung at the feeling of flesh against flesh.

Clarke bit at Lexa's bottom lip getting lost in the sound of Lexa's moan as the brunette's fingers slid beneath her bra, kneading at her chest firmly before their muffled moans got lost in each others' mouths. It wasn't until Lexa's leg shifted between hers and a pleasurable jolt ran up her body that Clarke moaned Lexa's name, causing the brunette to freeze.

It was in that moment that both of them seemed to crash back to reality and Lexa jumped away from her girlfriend as if Clarke's skin were made of fire. Clarke's breathing was erratic as she tried desperately to pull air into her lungs and her chest heaved. Lexa didn't appear to be fairing any better and her eyes we as dark as night. The wetness Clarke could feel between her legs told her that her eyes likely looked the same.

"I'm sorry," Lexa let out with strained breath, running her hand through her hair.

"I guess we got a little carried away," Clarke offered, now missing the feeling of her girlfriend's warm body pressed against hers.

"I meant about earlier," the brunette said, looking away from Clarke's gaze, an edge to her features.

"I'm the one who should be sorry," she fought. She couldn't fathom what it was that Lexa thought she did wrong. Clarke had put her in a situation that they both hated and Lexa walked away as the bigger person. Why was she apologizing?

"No," Lexa was shaking her head. "I lost it back there, Clarke. I just saw you with him and I..." She trailed off closing her eyes as if trying to steady herself.

Clarke closed the distance between them, desperate to take care of her and pulled her girlfriend into a hug, holding tighter until she felt arms wrap onto her back. "It's my fault. I should have never asked you to keep us a secret." The guilt washing over her was like an ocean pounding against the shore in a storm. There was no relief.

"No," Lexa forced, the sound muffled slightly where she buried her head into Clarke's neck. She could feel the heat of her breath caressing her pulse spot at its base and she wanted so desperately for it to be taken into Lexa's mouth. "You were right. We are doing what's best." And in and instant Clarke suddenly felt defeated.

They stood there for several minutes, just holding on tightly until the sound of voices filled the air outside the locker room. "Any chance we will get some alone time together soon?" Clarke asked and Lexa laughed.

"Having trouble keeping your hands off me, Griffin?" The air around them was still thick with tension, but it was starting to thin out under Lexa's teasing tone.

"Was it not your hands up my shirt, Lex?"

And then Lexa smiled and a sea of relief washed over her. How sickeningly sweet does this relationship have to be for Clarke to crave seeing Lexa's smile? She knew Raven would gag at the thought. Clarke didn't care.

"Only because someone led them there."

"Just give me five minutes, Commander." Clarke said it lowly, in the way that she knew excited Lexa in all the right ways and she could see the brunette's throat jump, attempting to swallow down whatever thoughts were in her head. But she pushed the blonde away, holding her at arm's length.

She shook her head. "Clarke, you are going to be the death of me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you all liked the chapter and that jealous Lexa was as brooding and commander-ish as we all hoped she would be in this chapter. I for one had a really fun time writing this chapter and I hope it showed.
> 
> As it is Memorial Day, for any CrossFitters currently joining me in the painfully famous workout (WOD) called Murph, I wish you all the best of luck. Hopefully none of you spill your guts onto the sidewalks and even more than that I hope that your hands remain less bloody than I'm sure mine will turn out. That said, I am pretty positive that I'm going to have some nasty rips in my palms and fingers due to Murph which will make typing extremely difficult for the next few days. I tried to plan ahead and I have most of the next chapter completed (in which we will get to visit again with jealous Clarke) but depending on my own mobility the soonest I can promise the next chapter is Thursday evening. 
> 
> I want to thank you all again for all of your kind words. I will do my best to respond to comments this week but my replies will likely be typed a single letter at a time so they may not be as lengthy as I normally try to make my responses. That or I will get to them when my body stops cursing my own stupidity.


	31. Goals and Grinding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 30:  
> Bellamy got a little too friendly with Clarke and Lexa got extremely jealous. Kicking some balls around with Harper was just the thing she needed.
> 
> \---
> 
> So PLAYLIST! This chapter has a playlist:  
> Buttons by The Pussycat Dolls  
> Powerful by Major Lazer ft. Ellie Goulding 
> 
> I suggest at least listening to Powerful either before or during the dancing scene just to give you an idea of the rhythm and tempo. I also have lyrics of this song in the chapter written in italics. I did not make up any of these lyrics, I just heard this song and fell in love with it! 
> 
> This is a pretty long chapter for this series. I hope you guys enjoy it! There is a bit of smut in here as well near the end.

Lexa had never seen a better pass in all the years she had played. A part of her wondered deep down if that statement was made out of her fondness for the girl that kicked it, but she wasn't Lexa anymore, not at this moment. She was the Commander, the stoic leader who put her duties and focus above all other things that mattered to her outside of this pitch. So if she thought it was the best pass she had ever seen, it was likely the best pass she had ever seen.

It was a moment of brilliance. Five minutes had passed into the second half of the game. The girls of Lake U had pushed a majority of their people forward, aggressively pushing against Lexa's defense in hopes of forcing a mistake and capitalizing on a goal. It was a high risk, high reward strategy and Lexa had been waiting to take advantage of that risk.

One of their strikers had managed to spin the ball away from Monroe, heading quickly in the box as Lexa stayed above the midfield line praying that Raven had noticed the way the girl had been leaning. Lexa could feel the anxiety in her gut as she craned onto her toes to see the striker take a shot at goal.

Raven came flying in, throwing herself cleats first in front of the box, making contact with the ball, thwarting their chance to shoot one past Harper. But the ball had taken a ridiculously lucky bounce and ended up right at Monroe's feet who without hesitation passed it to Clarke who had somehow found this ring of space.

Their eyes connected. Green focused on blue and it was in that instant that a wordless conversation was had before either girl could blink and Lexa was off like a shot. She sprinted towards the other team's goal, not once looking up to see where the ball was at. It was a risky move, one she wouldn't normally take. But she had been finding herself a little envious of the way the other team was playing without abandon and she gave herself over to this moment.

They had practiced it a million times. Clarke would kick the ball from half way between the end line and the midfield line of their own defensive half and aim for the right corner of the penalty box. But that was never under the duress of actual play, and Clarke always got extremely close but never actually hit the target and Octavia would tease that hitting the actual white lined corner would be the shot of a lifetime. But there was something in Lexa that told her that it would be there, to run as if her life depended on it and ignore her instinct to look up and track the ball. Just one look up would slow her that half of a second that she couldn't afford.

Ten yards from the line she finally looked up and saw the arch of the ball bending down and it was at that moment that she thought to herself that she had never seen a more perfect pass in her life. Her right foot kicked out at the goal at the exact corner where the chalked lines met at the corner of the penalty area and the ball landed directly onto her laces. And the ball was off her foot like a bullet out of a gun, flying at great speed, whizzing past the keeper before she could even make a move towards it.

She could hear the roaring of the crowd around her, she could see the disbelief in the opposing keeper's eyes, but none of it registered in her mind. She stood there frozen for just a second and allowed herself to realize what it was that just happened.

Players often talked about shots they remembered taking over the course of their careers, able to relive them as if they were watching it happen for the very first time. They were things like their first ever professional goals and goals that won championship games. They weren't often random goals that happened during random games, not unless it was something special. And what just happened? It was something special.

Thoughts of her mother, Titus and Costia flashed in her mind and as a reflex, without even thinking, she brought her forearm up to her lips and kissed the date tattoo on her arm. This goal, as every goal since their passing, was made in their memory and she pointed up to the sky as if the motion alone would remind the spirits of the ones she loved that this was for them.

She turned to see a line forming, of players with massive grins on their faces and players with looks of disbelief. She looked around them to point at Harper who gave her a mock solute as was their way before welcoming Octavia into the Trikru customary handshake.

They were efficient by now and the line moved quickly, but for Lexa it seemed to drag on forever as she saw her blonde midfielder smiling from the back of the line, a look of pure joy on her face. Eight handshakes, that's how many she had to go through until her hands were gripping at the smooth underside of Clarke's arm, reaching out to pull the girl in close.

And as their heads touched, a wave of emotion fell over the Commander and for that moment the Commander ceased to exist and Lexa was holding onto greatness. The smell of vanilla and sweat filled her nose, a scent she had come to crave. Her skin where they touched seared while the blood running beneath it chilled. And she could swear that the blue eyes engulfing hers could see straight into her soul.

It was just another goal. It was just another congratulatory embrace. But at the same time it was neither. It took everything in her power not to claim Clarke's lips with her own. As it was, she was sure she should have let go of the girl a second ago.

"God, Clarke, that pass was such a..." But she sputtered. She couldn't even think of a word that could accurately describe it.

Clarke's face held a smug grin as they pulled apart "a turn on?"

Lexa cleared her throat, fighting back the red tinge on her cheeks that she would blame on the sprint she had just made down the field. Yeah, she was a bit (okay, more than a bit) turned on, much to the annoyance of the Commander mask that she forced herself to put back on.

"The death of me," she murmured and as she walked away, she could hear the blonde laughing.

With five minutes left to go in the game, sweat was beginning to drip off Lexa's nose as her teammates surrounded her in the box, all watching as Clarke stood at the end of the field, waiting for the referee to allow her to take the corner kick.

The girl defending her shoved in her direction, pushing into her shoulder, moving her a foot away from the keeper. The Commander leaned back into the girl, pushing against the defender's chest with her shoulder, much to the distaste of the other team's captain who came up behind her and shoved her in the back.

It was unexpected and Lexa stumbled forward momentarily, caught off guard. An annoyance welled deep in her chest as she turned around and glared at the other captain who glared back. She took a step forward and the Commander matched her step, their noses just inches away from each other, neither girl refusing to look away.

"Watch your hands, Woods." The girl nearly spat, not respecting how close her mouth was to Lexa's face.

But the Commander didn't falter, instead she inched forward until their chests touched and she could feel the warm air escaping the other girl's nose on her lips. "Luna, I know she just can't help herself, but tell your girlfriend there to keep her hands off me and there shouldn't be a problem."

She saw the burst of anger flash through Luna's eyes at the same time she felt two hands on her shoulder blades, ready to throw her back. But Lexa had been expecting the movement and she was faster than the girl in front of her. The Commander's hands shot up instantly, landing on the inside of Luna's wrists and she pushed out, successfully causing the girl's hands to fly to the side of them and off of her body.

It was a swirl of chaos as girls immediately surrounded them, yanking at their captains while whistles seemed to blow in all directions. Lexa could feel Indra's arms around her waist pulling her back and same way that Luna's girlfriend was holding her back, hissing at her to back off.

The Commander just gave the girl a satisfied smirk and Luna tried to throw herself forward again, unable to move more than a half a foot with the girl containing her. She tried to lunge again but the referee was standing between them now with a whistle held between her lips.

She watched the whistle fall against the referee's yellow jersey accompanied by the woman glaring back and forth between the two aggressors. "Try that again and I will card you. Understand?" There was authority in her voice that Lexa respected and she turned her gaze onto her hazel eyes before nodding in understanding.

Lexa turned around to see worried blue eyes staring at her from the corner of the field and Lexa just gave her a happy smirk and raised her eyebrows up and down quickly, twice. Clarke just shook her head with a small grin. Getting Luna riled up was a minor win in her book and she hoped it had Lake University flustered. And it seemed to.

When Clarke took the kick, it soared into the box and Lexa got her head to it, but it fell hard against the keeper's glove, falling forward back into the field where Monroe had been standing. The girl toed the ball forward, slipping past the keeper and into the net.

The crowd roared as Monroe yelled in victory, running towards the end of the eighteen yard box before sliding forward in the grass onto her knees, tugging at the front of her jersey with her left hand and pointing to Harper at the other side of the field with her right. Harper just gave her friend a large smile and pointed back in her direction.

Lexa watched as her teammates surrounded the girl, sliding beside her and pulling her into hugs. She waited for the traffic around Monroe to die down before she walked over her and offered the girl her forearm. Monroe took it with a brilliant smile on her face as Lexa reached forward to touch their foreheads together.

Neither girl said a word, they just smiled at each other in celebration. The Commander never said anything in these embraces to any of the girls she congratulated, at least she never had before Clarke. With Clarke she found that she couldn't let go of their embrace without saying something, almost desperate to hear the blonde's voice speaking in such close proximity to her.

And when Monroe pulled away to rejoin her other defenders Lexa looked around until her eyes found the blue ones she so desperately needed to see. When they did, Clarke was smiling and looking directly at her, a look of envy on her face. Lexa just grinned at her and clapped her hands in her direction, thanking her for the excellent service into the box.

"To the Ark!" Monroe yelled in the locker room after the game was over. Another victory.

"The Ark?" A voice asked beside her and Lexa smiled. She was leaning with her right arm against a locker with her arms folded against her chest, watching her team celebrating with hugs and whooping fifteen feet away. She much preferred watching the celebrations from afar rather than being wrapped up in the middle of them.

"Monroe lives in the dorms so instead of throwing the party, she's choosing where we are celebrating." She looked to her left and flashed Clarke a warm smile. "It's a night club," she said when Clarke raised a single eyebrow.

The blonde smiled mischievously. "So does that mean we get to dance together, Commander?"

Her voice was alluring and it made her want to lean over and pull her girlfriend into a kiss but she didn't move towards her, instead pushing further into the locker, the metal cold against her shoulder. "I don't really think that's the best idea." And it wasn't. She wasn't sure she could handle Clarke's body grinding up against hers and her body not react to it.

The blonde's smile faltered, understanding her reasoning. "I usually don't dance," Lexa continued with a shrug and looked back at the team. "At least not until I've loosened up with a few drinks."

At this Clarke laughed. "So does this mean I shouldn't dance with anyone else?" Clarke looked worried, likely thinking about the way Lexa had stormed off after she found her dancing with Bellamy.

Lexa tried to give her a reassuring grin. She already knew that Clarke was hers. She also didn't want the blonde to not enjoy herself. "Would you be upset if I danced with someone else?"

Clarke pursed her lips for a moment. "Not at all," she said. Her voice sounded more chipper than normal, almost like a niceness forced.

"Then I don't mind either, Clarke. Dance with whoever you want, just don't go following them into bathroom stalls."

At this the blonde laughed. "Is that an order, Commander?"

Lexa smiled. "Just a request."

"We need to act the way we normally would if we weren't dating." Clarke made the statement softly, reiterating their situation aloud.

Lexa sighed but she found herself thankful that no one was around to listen to their quiet conversation as the team roared several feet away.

\----------

The air in the room was electric as it pulsed with methodical beats and were lit with flashing rays of blues and reds and yellows. Bodies were alive and swaying closely at the center of the building and at its core a mixture of skin, sweat, lust and desire. The room was definitely charged and the music filled dancers with a hedonistic need to press close to one another.

Clarke kept stealing glances back at the bar where Lexa stood with Indra, both with drinks in hand. She was finding it difficult to focus on her dance partner. Raven did have some amazing moves and there was something fluid about the way she danced. But every time Clarke looked over, a pretty red head who was eyeing the Commander kept getting closer and closer.

"Focus, Griffin." The girl in front of her yelled over the music and Clarke turned back to the girl who was rolling her eyes.

"Sorry," she said blushing, returning her focus back to their dancing. It was fun and it was carefree and they moved around each other suggestively but entirely harmless in Clarke's mind. Though a part her hoped Lexa had been stealing glances in her direction, feeling envious of the way her body was moving around her friend's.

She did her best to ignore her girlfriend at the bar and she was successful for about two songs when Monroe and Harper came up and began dancing with them. Monroe gave them raised eyebrows "I think that the Commander is going to break her dry spell tonight."

Unsure of what she had meant, Clarke turned her head to the bar and saw the red head from before with a hand on Lexa's forearm, her head back laughing as Lexa held a small smile on her face. And something inside Clarke began to snap. She knew she shouldn't be jealous, she had asked Lexa to act how she normally would at a club to keep up with their appearances, but seeing another girl so close to her made Clarke want to walk over to the bar and steal Lexa away.

She couldn't escape the images in her mind of the red head leaning up and kissing Lexa, running her hands through brown hair, pulling their hips together, moaning the name Clarke felt a little possessive of. She wasn't aware that she had stopped dancing until Raven had squeezed her forearm.

"Hey Harp, I want to call in that favor now."

Harper looked at Raven a little worried. "Okay, Reyes, what do you want?"

Raven just flashed the girl a wicked smile before saying. "That red head looks like my kind of girl, why don't you do me a favor and pull the Commander onto the dance floor so I can have a proper shot at her."

Harper just shook her head with a small smile on her face but there was an uneasiness in her eyes - they made her look angry despite the smile. "One dancing Commander, coming up." Her tone was annoyed.

"You told her to act normal," Raven said into her ear once Harper had walked back towards the bar.

"I know," was all she could say as she returned to dancing with her roommate still eying the brunette at the bar who was now downing the last of her whiskey as she seemed to mouth an apology to the red head while Harper grabbed her hand and was dragging Lexa out to the dance floor.

The presence of the Commander seemed to bring the entire team together as all the girls on the team that were on the dance floor were now all dancing together in a large group. And maybe Clarke was just biased in her opinion but she had no idea why it was that Lexa needed to have a few drinks before making her way to the dance floor. Clarke had seen professional dancers with less grace than Lexa who was swaying her hips to the sound of the music, grinding on Harper's leg while the two of them laughed wholeheartedly over the exchange. And again Clarke was satisfied as she turned back to dance with Raven, and now Octavia, trying hard to stay where she was and not gravitate to Lexa. If the Commander had put those moves on her she wasn't sure she would be able to keep her face light and half-hearted. She was pretty sure hiding the lust would be impossible.

"Oh my God, I love this song!" Octavia yelled, pulling Clarke closer with a laugh as "Buttons" by The Pussycat Dolls came on.

"Of course you'd love a song about enticing someone to take your clothes off, O!" Raven yelled above the music.

Clarke began laughing seeing the look of faux seduction on Octavia's face but she held her hands over her head and swayed with the beat to dance with her. The movements started out slow but began building as the tempo of the song increased. But the situation was so similar to the one at that first party at Lexa's house that she couldn't help but look over at her girlfriend who was no longer dancing with Harper. Clarke felt her jaw tighten. It appeared that the red head had made her way to the dance floor.

She had made her way over to Lexa and she had her body pushed up against hers, her hips now swaying to the quick beat of the song. She was smooth, languid and was obviously looking to leave an impression on the brunette. And Lexa had no problems keeping up. Her hips were swaying at the same pace. Clarke could see the concentration on her face as she tried to emulate her newest dance parter's movements. And her arms were stretched out on either side of the red head, caging her in without actually touching her. And the jealously inside Clarke flared.

And as the chorus ended, the red head turned around, pressing her back flush up against Lexa. They were such similar height that her ass seemed to fit perfectly into Lexa's groin. And Clarke could see Lexa's eyes close as she inhaled. When they opened they looked a bit darker.

Clarke tried to look away, to focus on her friends but even as she looked at Octavia who seemed to be concentrating on moving to the beat, her mind kept telling her to look back to the scene directly behind her friend. After about thirty seconds she was back eyeing the situation.

The girl's ass was still grinding into Lexa's front and her hands had reached out to entwine their fingers together. And the redhead had this look of ecstasy on her face, enjoying every moment that she stood there pressed up against the Commander, almost as if she was sure that she would be closing the deal tonight. And Clarke had to imagine that a year ago - hell, four months ago that would have been the case. And Clarke found herself hating the red head for it.

Lexa on the other hand shot a look in her direction filled with regret and a bit of self loathing. It wasn't on her face, which had a forced smile but in her eyes as they searched out Clarke as if seeking out forgiveness. They spoke of how Lexa didn't want to be where she was. They spoke of how she hated herself for feeling as if she had to do this. And then Lexa looked away from Clarke as if it hurt her to see the look on her girlfriend's face.

Clarke wanted the red head gone. She wanted her hands off of her girl. But there wasn't much that she could do. She needed to wait out the song and find a reason to pull the Commander away without causing a scene. And as the redhead spun to press her front up against the brunette again, Clarke felt as if this song couldn't end fast enough. It felt like the longest three minutes of her life.

Raven gave Clarke a knowing look and shook her head at Clarke, a pleading in her eyes telling Clarke to let it go. In turn she gave Raven a sad look. She wondered if it conveyed the message of her emotions. She needed the redhead gone or she needed to leave the dance floor herself. She was seriously considering the latter and it must have been all over her face because Raven grabbed a hold of her arm with a look that told her to stay. Clarke just nodded and turned her focus back to Octavia with a forced smile that she hoped look authentic.

When the song ended and a slower song took its place she could hear Raven groan. "While I like Major Lazer, this is not one of his better songs to dance to." The song "Powerful" had just come on and Octavia nodded to her friend in agreement.

Clarke stole a look again at Lexa and her and the redhead had stopped dancing and were trying to talk over the music. "I could dance to it," Clarke proclaimed, jealously still filling her veins.

"Is that so?" Clarke just nodded and Octavia gave her a smug grin. "Then how about you show us your skills on Woods?"

Clarke knew that Octavia had likely expected her to say no, but the girl had just given Clarke the opportunity she needed so she gave a challenging look to her friend and said, "Bring her over." And like that, Octavia had called the Commander over and Clarke started seductively swaying her hips.

Clarke knew that she shouldn't have said yes.  Lexa had told her only hours earlier that this wasn't a good idea, but Clarke found herself unable to care about that.  She had to have her girlfriend pressed up against her.  She needed the images of her and the red head out of her mind.  She needed her girlfriend to crave her just as much as she craved Lexa.  Neither girl would be coming out of this song with any semblance of control.

The song was slow but by the time Lexa turned to look in their direction, the beat had began to slightly quicken, it was something she could work with. She could see Lexa's jaw tightening, clearly taking the blonde in and Clarke just smiled, holding up her hand and beaconing Lexa with her index finger. Yes, this was very much like that first party but Clarke would be damned to allow it to end the same way.

_Walking on wires and power lines when you put your body on top of mine._

The Commander walked over, closing the gap and proceeded to match the sway of Clarke's hips, reaching out to pull the blonde in. But Clarke spun at the last second, presenting her back to Lexa and not a moment later, she felt the pressure of Lexa's body pushed up against her back. And it was as if the words of the song all made sense.

_Oh Lord of Mercy, I'm begging you please, I'm feeling drained, I need love._

Her body pressed tightly against Lexa's felt right and it was hard not to remember the last time they had been this close. She could almost taste the salty sweetness on her tongue. Letting herself fall victim to her jealousy may be a mistake, but what a glorious mistake it was.

_There's an energy when you hold me, when you touch me, it's so powerful._

Lexa's arms were out around Clarke, much as they had been with the redhead, trying desperately not to touch but Clarke, needing to show the girl who Lexa belonged to, had no interest in maintaining formalities and she grabbed Lexa's right hand with hers and pulled it into the area just below her chest, sliding it down slowly against her body until it lay on her thigh. Lexa's fingers squeezed, and Clarke had to stifle a gasp as heat began rising in her core.

_I can feel it, when you hold me, when you touch me, it's so powerful._

Clarke reached up over her shoulder back with her free hand as she grabbed at Lexa's neck, pulling her closer so that there wasn't any distance between them as she popped her hips back into Lexa and the brunette growled in her ear. It sent shivers up Clarke's spine.

_I couldn't leave if I wanted to, cause something keeps pulling me back to you._

Lexa used her free hand to slowly trace Clarke's skin from the elbow of the arm holding her neck, down to the triceps, down to the underarm, down against the side of her breast, down her ribs until they landed on her hip. There they splayed out and attempted to pull the blonde closer.

_The stroke of your fingers, the scent of you lingers, my mind running wild with thoughts of your smile._

Clarke pulled out of Lexa's grasp turned to face the Commander and stepped with one leg between Lexa's the other outside her left. And when she swayed her hips down this time, her center fell against Lexa's leg and Lexa's against hers. Clarke looked up and she could see the desire in the Commander's eyes and she knew it could be seen in hers.

Both of Lexa's hands moved to Clarke's lower back to hold her close while they swayed against one another. And Clarke let her left arm hang lazily over Lexa's shoulder, content on letting the brunette lead. Her other hand went to run through her hair.

_And you could give it all but it's never enough._

Then their swaying began to slow as the song hit the lull and Clarke could see the look in Lexa's eyes, the one she always gave right before she claimed a part of her with her mouth. And as the brunette leaned in towards her neck, Clarke's sensibility returned and her hands went flying to Lexa's shoulders, pushing the Commander back just as the singing started back up again.

In shock, Lexa stepped back two paces. Her chest was heaving and she looked back at Clarke with hooded eyes. And Clarke knew the feeling because the air around her now that Lexa was not up against her suddenly felt thin and without oxygen. But she could feel the team's eyes on the two of them and she knew she needed to think of something quickly. So Clarke just gave Lexa a sly smile and held up her hand, her index finger wiggling side to side as if to say "No touching" and she could hear her friends behind her all catcalling her movement, clearly impressed.

Lexa just shook her head, her eyes never leaving Clarke's, and matched her a sly grin and added an arched eyebrow which made Clarke shudder. They were apart for around twenty seconds before Lexa had enough of their space and in an instant Lexa walked forward, pulled Clarke into her, grabbed Clarke's hips and began moving the blonde's hips against hers as the song picked up again.

_I can feel it, when you hold me, when you touch me._

Clarke could taste Lexa's breath as it mingled against her own, the smell of mint mixed with the oaky scent of whiskey filled her senses and she began to feel drunk with it, wondering if there was such thing as a second hand high from alcohol consumption. Their faces were maybe an inch apart as Lexa's height difference had her looking down at the blonde. The hand at her hip kneaded and Clarke's left hand was holding onto Lexa's neck, her other hand holding onto Lexa's as if trying to hold her grip closer into her body. She wanted Lexa. She needed Lexa. She wished she could drag her into a bathroom stall.

_When you hold me in your arms, it burns like fire and electricity._

Their breathing was ragged when the song ended and it took everything in her power to step away from her girlfriend. They could hear their teammates behind them hollering and both of them turned and gave exaggerated bows, both hoping that their desire for their dancing partners wasn't evident on their faces. Clarke turned back to Lexa to give her a sheepish smile as a fast tempo song came on, causing her friends to being dancing again.

Lexa leaned down, her cheek against Clarke's and she could feel the heat of Lexa's breath against her ear. It was almost enough to make her come undone. "If you were smart," she hissed just loud enough for Clarke to hear over the music, "you won't follow me." And then she was off, making her way through the crowd, passing and ignoring the redhead who looked at her with longing.

"Okay, that was hot!" Octavia yelled at Clarke with a smile and Clarke returned it, keeping Lexa's location in the corner of her eye.

"Thanks!" She said and then shrugged. "I'm going to get some water," she shouted and walked her way through the crowd, towards the bar, following Lexa's footsteps. She didn't want to be smart.

When Clarke reached the bright red door with a W on the front she took a deep breath. But just as she was about to enter, a guy dressed in a security shirt called out to her. "Are you Clarke?" He asked.

"Yeah," Clarke started, unsure if she had done anything to get herself in trouble.

"If you are looking for Ms. Woods, she's up the stairs, first door on the left." Clarke nodded to the man, completely unsure of what the hell was going on. But he wore an ear piece and a badge signaling his employment so she took the stairs, two at a time and walked into the door on the left, shutting it behind her when she saw Lexa inside.

The room looked like an office and Lexa was sitting on the ledge of a desk, her hands gripping its edge, knuckles white. Her head whipped up at the sound of the door closing and within and instant she walked over to the blonde, pushing her up against the wall, claiming Clarke's lips with her own.

The kiss was quick and filled with desire as Clarke felt Lexa's body up against hers. A heat was pooling in her stomach and she swore she could feel the wetness between her legs as Lexa's hands went in her t-shirt. She could both hear and feel the growl vibrating from Lexa's chest.

"Are we allowed to be up here?" Clarke gasped when Lexa let go of her lips to kiss her neck.

"My company owns The Ark," Lexa said before returning to Clarke's neck, forcing a groan out of the blonde.

"I thought your company was an architecture firm," Clarke stated between fated breath.

Lexa groaned, the sound filled with slight annoyance. She pulled away to look at Clarke and the blonde could see blown pupils. "We deal mainly with building and architecture, yes. But we are a corporation that looks to diversify our portfolio with a range of assets. Now, I can either go over those with you now or I can fuck you in my partner's office before she gets back."

She gave Clarke a piercing look and she swallowed. "We can talk about your company later," she said with a smile.

Lexa just nodded and said "good choice," before leaning forward and Clarke could immediately feel Lexa's tongue in her mouth. Their kissing was raw and rushed, as Clarke could feel Lexa's hands at her jeans, undoing the button and zipper before thrusting her hands inside.

Lexa groaned when Clarke felt her hands inside of her underwear, likely due to the wetness already there, coating her fingers. "I've never wanted anything more than I've wanted you." Her words were gruff and filled with need and it made Clarke shiver.

"Then do something about it," Clarke growled. She couldn't take another moment of Lexa touching her without actually being in her.

Clarke gasped at the sensation of Lexa's fingers circling around her opening before thrusting inside. It was a feeling of pleasure and excitement, their lucrative dancing filling her mind. "Oh God, Commander," she moaned. She didn't know why the title had come out over the name but it seemed to make Lexa come undone as she let out a small moan and began picking up her pace.

It was fast and it was rough. On one occasion, the thrusting movement of three fingers inside her caused the back of Clarke's head to hit the door. And Lexa stopped to check on Clarke but the blonde didn't register the pain of it. All she could register was the stillness of her girlfriend's fingers. "Don't stop, Lex, take me" she groaned out and Lexa continued.

A few minutes later Clarke felt herself falling over the edge, biting Lexa's shoulder to stifle the scream she wanted to let out. If it hurt Lexa, she didn't complain, she only gave out a throaty moan. The sound was exactly what Clarke needed to give into her release.

As Lexa began to slow her movements she leaned in to softly and tenderly kiss Clarke's lips, a gesture to signify that this was more than just some quickie, almost as if to smooth out the roughness of the affair. Clarke smiled against her while Lexa leaned into her, both sets of chests heaving as they attempted to steady their breath.

"I'm sorry if you felt I was dancing too inappropriately with that girl," Lexa said as she attempted to straighten out her clothes in the full length mirror on the other side of the office. Clarke had tried to reciprocate the favor but Lexa had shaken her head saying that they had already been gone from the group for too long.

Clarke sighed, buttoning up her jeans, the jealousy she felt half an hour ago feeling alien to her. "No, it's not you, that one is my fault. I don't know what came over me."

"I understand," Lexa confessed. "If I saw you dancing with some random girl I probably wouldn't have liked it either. Hell, we weren't even dating when you danced that night with Bellamy and we both remember how that turned out. Though I didn't retaliate by dry humping you in front of the whole team to mark my territory, but that's just me." There was laughter in her voice but it didn't prevent the redness from filling Clarke's cheeks.

"Raven is not going to let me live this down," Clarke groaned which caused Lexa to let out a small laugh.

"I'm likely going to get a lecture from Indra. I passed her on the way up here and you weren't that far behind." Lexa paused as Clarke leaned in give her girlfriend a quick kiss. "You should probably head down."

"You're not coming?" Clarke asked, not wanting to leave Lexa's side. She knew it was foolish and irresponsible but she didn't really care much at the moment.

"I'll give you a head start," she said with a smile and Clarke sighed, not wanting to return to the world outside this office. But she obliged.

She hadn't been out on the dance floor more than three minutes later when Octavia grabbed a hold of her arm. "Where the hell did you go, Griffin?"

"I needed to get a breath of fresh air so I went outside," she lied, but Octavia had this look on her face that said she knew Clarke was full of shit.

"So how long?" the brunette asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

Clarke could feel a panic set in. "I don't know what-"

"Woods really should be more careful to not bite the neck of the girl she is sneaking around with." And she handed Clarke a tube of concealer. Clarke reached to the spot on her neck where Lexa had been kissing. But as she saw the wicked grin on Octavia's face she remembered looking in the mirror before she had went back downstairs and seeing nothing there.

"I don't have a mark, do I?" she asked and Octavia shook her head 'no'. "O, you can't tell anyone."

"Okay," the brunette agreed, "but I'm going to need a favor." And the wicked grin returned to Octavia's face and Clarke could feel her heart fall into her stomach. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good.

"What do you want?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote the nightclub scene several chapters ago and found myself making tweaks here and there to it this week, trying to get the song to match their movements. I hope it worked, please let me know what you think!
> 
> I just finished watching the Women's USA vs. Japan friendly and it was one hell of a game. Japan did an excellent job and the US have a few things to work on. Plus Horan got a goal tonight and for that I'm pretty thrilled. And now I'm watching the Galaxy take on SKC. This is a great night for soccer.
> 
> I want to thank everyone for all of the comments. As always, you guys are completely amazing. My hands are finally healed enough to type without wincing too much so I should be able to start writing again at a normal pace. I'm thinking I will have the next chapter out Sunday evening my time - which for many of you means that you will have something to read on Monday.


	32. Sweet Cherry Pie!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 31 Recap:  
> The girls played a game against Lake University which resulted in a miraculous pass falling to Lexa's feet. They ended the night at The Ark where things between Clarke and Lexa got heated after some red head encroached on Clarke's girlfriend.
> 
> \---
> 
> So there's no music to go along with this chapter, though I rather enjoyed having the music for the last chapter. I apologize that this one was posted a few hours later than I had originally planned, writing was hard to come by this weekend. I was having some issue getting past a bit or a writer's block. I hope that despite that block that this chapter came out okay.

"O, honestly, I have absolutely no idea why it is that you think I'm the right girl for the job."

Clarke leaned up against the elevator as Octavia and Raven both piled in, all tired after the grueling practice that Lexa had put them through, demanding that they should have won Saturday's game by an extra goal or two. Clarke believed it had more to do with the fact that Lexa appeared annoyed when Clarke had told her that Octavia had figured them out and the Commander was doing her best to show Octavia how she could easily make her forward's life a living hell.

The girls had decided to grab a bite to eat after practice, mostly due to Octavia's request. And that wasn't the only request made that evening as Octavia finally revealed what favor needed Clarke to afford her. And yet Clarke had absolutely no idea why it was that Octavia thought she would be able to help her in any way.

"Clarke, you are the only one who has been in a long term relationship here. The longest one Raven has been in was nine months and this is the first time I'm going to be celebrating a one year anniversary. I need to make this perfect." Octavia groaned, throwing her hand over her eyes as if she had already been torturing herself over this for weeks. She probably had.

"I'm still not sure why you think that makes me the person for the job," she explained.

"Weren't you and Finn together for like four years?" Octavia huffed as the elevator neared her floor. "Doesn't that mean you celebrated four anniversaries together?"

Clarke shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose as the doors slowly opened, the dinging sound ushering its occupants to get out. "Three anniversaries. And honestly, Finn was the one who planned those dates."

They paused at the front door, no one pulling out their keys to enter. "As will Lincoln, but I need to do something special for him!"

Clarke groaned, annoyed as she pulled out her own key to Lexa's apartment, glaring at Raven who laughed and said something about U-hauling it.

"Why don't you just buy some sexy lingerie?" She asked. Finn didn't seem to mind that on their third anniversary.

The door of the apartment opened as the girls stepped in, still mulling over Octavia's situation. "Considering the fact that Octavia practically wears lingerie under her jersey, I don't think the girl owns anything remotely close to plain undergarments, so lingerie is probably just an everyday thing for Lincoln."

Octavia laughed at Raven's assessment before nodding. "Raven's right."

Clarke just shook her head. "Then what do you suggest, Ray?"

Raven thought for a moment and then shrugged. "Guys are simple. Why don't you just let him finally stick it in your-"

"Finish that sentence and I will make your life a living hell, Reyes."

Three heads whipped around to see Indra sitting on one of the chairs with a disgusted look on her face. She had her calculus textbook resting on her thighs. It was clear that she had been interrupted by Raven's remark as she studied numerical symbols across its pages.

Lexa, unlike her second, looked completely un-phased. In fact, she was acting as if nothing had changed at all. She was lounging with her leg spread across the long couch where her and Clarke had watched her favorite movie while one leg was bent. Her hand was holding a book which rested on her knee and her eyes hadn't shifted from the pages. Clarke smirked when she noticed that the book she was reading was "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

Clarke seemed to forget the fact that she had been discussing anything with her friends and felt the need to pull her girlfriend's attention out of the pages she was trying to desperately focus on. She decided she could do this best by quoting one of the few lines she knew from the book based on past conversations of people quoting said book.

"Move not unless you see an advantage." Clarke smiled as she watched one of the corner's of Lexa's lips lift into a smirk.

"Ponder and deliberate before you make a move," Lexa responded in kind lifting her eyes from her book. Clarke's breath momentarily caught in her throat as those green eyes bore into hers as if she could see beyond just her physical existence. It was something she never thought she would ever get used to seeing.

"That has the be the saddest attempt at flirting I have ever seen," Octavia groaned as her eyes danced between the two of them.

Lexa merely shrugged. "There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is smart and well versed enough to effectively use her tongue."

At this Raven started laughing manically as Octavia and Clarke both gawked at her girlfriend. Indra just shook her head and rolled her eyes, trying to focus back on her studying. Clarke was beginning to realize that Indra seemed to enjoy performing duties much more than she enjoyed being in an unproductive atmosphere.

"Maybe you got the wrong girlfriend, O. Maybe it's Woods that can tell you what you should give Lincoln for your one year anniversary."

Octavia laughed at Raven's assessment, not fully convinced. "The Commander would likely tell me to get him lessons to the yoga studio up the street."

Lexa turned another page in her book, her eyes once again dancing across the words but it didn't distract her from Octavia's comment. "Lincoln is the kind of guy who would probably enjoy yoga." She said it with such seriousness that Clarke had to laugh. Octavia didn't seem to realize that she was teasing her.

"See what I mean!" she huffed and pointing at the brunette still reading her book.

Clarke sighed. "Are you looking to get him something practical? Something sweet? Something sexy?"

"Sexy," her and Raven said together, both laughing at their instant responses.

"Then the Commander is the one for the job," Indra supplied though the look on her face a moment later screamed that she was displeased with herself for saying anything at all.

Octavia lifted a brow before a wicked smile danced across her face. "Well, Woods, what's something that you would enjoy Clarke giving you for a special occasion?"

Lexa slowly lifted her gaze from her book, a small glare in her eyes. She didn't seem pleased about Octavia teasing her about Clarke. And it was at that moment that Clarke realized that everyone in the room knew about her and Lexa, that she didn't need to hide here. So without a second thought she walked over to the couch and pushed at Lexa's non-raised leg.

Lexa seemed to understand what it was that Clarke was requesting as she dropped her right leg off the couch and secured her book in her left hand before grabbing Clarke's waist and pulling her down onto the couch, trapping Clarke between her leg balancing her book and the right hand on her waist.

Clarke hummed contentedly as she relaxed her back into Lexa's chest before turning her face upward to kiss at the soft skin below Lexa's jaw. "Hey," she whispered to the brunette who just smiled in return.

Raven made a noise that sounded very much like gagging. "You two are disgusting," she stated but there was a small grin on Clarke's roommates face.

"Okay," Octavia huffed, "right now is not about you two, this is about me!"

"A statement we hear often," Indra muttered and Lexa laughed. Clarke could feel the vibration on her back protruding from Lexa's chest and she couldn't help but smile and snuggle up closer to her girlfriend. Lexa in turn gripped at Clarke's waist a little tighter.

"You're looking to be sexy for your anniversary?" Lexa questioned, not privy to the conversation had between the other three girls over dinner.

"Yes, and your girlfriend is the least helpful person ever!" At that Clarke gripped at her chest and feigned hurt at her friend's accusation though she knew it to be a pretty accurate analysis of the night thus far.

"How about you give him a lap dance?" Lexa suggested, flipping another page of the book in her hand skillfully with the single hand holding the book. Clarke bit her lip watching the movement of Lexa's skilled fingers on the hand that wasn't even her primary side. She found herself wondering if Lexa was trying to show Clarke her skills on purpose to rile her up. If so, it was working.

"A lap dance?" Octavia questioned, but she sounded as if she were considering it.

"Yeah," Lexa supplied, "Raven seemed to enjoy hers when we took her to that strip club for her birthday in August."

At that Clarke laughed, turning to her friend whose cheeks were now red, trying to look anywhere except for at the girl who made the accusation. "I thought what happened at the strip club, stayed at the strip club."

"You're thinking about Vegas," Octavia offered with a grin.

"Yes, we learned that Raven has a thing for tall blonde women," Indra supplied while Clarke felt Lexa's hands wrap around her midsection possessively.

Seeing her best friend's sudden discomfort, Octavia came to her friend's rescue. "So, you're saying that you would be more than happy if Clarke gave you a lap dance, Commander?"

Clarke froze as she felt Lexa's grip around her tighten once more, including the grip that she was in between her girlfriend's thighs. Clarke could feel the red blush filling her cheeks at the very thought of dancing privately for her girlfriend and she turned to see Lexa's face.

Her features were stone, unmoving with a flat lipped thoughtfulness. But Clarke could see the mixture of emotions in her eyes as her pupils grew slightly, clearly turned on by the thought of Clarke's body dancing against hers. It was something Clarke would need to catalogue for a later time.

Lexa cleared her throat before answering. "I believe that song 'Pony' would be sufficient to dance to."

"Isn't that a song for male strippers?" Raven asked with a raised brow, clearly enjoying the Commander's look of uncomfortableness.

"Which is what we ordered for Raven for the after party back at my place after the strip club," Lexa bit back and Raven again turned red.

"Again, tall blondes," Octavia mused jumping out of the way as Raven made a half hearted swing at her.

"'Pour Some Sugar on Me' is too obvious as is 'Cherry Pie'," Clarke offered ignoring her friends, though the red tinge in her cheeks returned as all eyes fell on her. "What?" she asked them all incredulously. It wasn't like she had never had a lap dance before, at eighteen it was like a rite of passage.

"What song would you choose then?" Lexa offered with a grin, though something sinister sat behind her eyes. Apparently Lexa was hoping to add soundtrack to the vision she'd had moments before which seemed to make some of the heat in Clarke's body to traverse downwards, away from her face.

"Yeah, Griffin." Octavia suggested.

But it was Lexa who answered. "'Dirty'! You could even steal some movies from that music video." Octavia smiled just as Lexa leaned down and whispered into Clarke's ear, her breath hot against her skin, mimicking the hot feeling Clarke now had settling south, "I would prefer to save your song for myself."

Clarke inhaled sharply, trying to remain quiet, thankful that O was lost in thought. Though Raven apparently wasn't as she looked like she was trying to contain her laughter. Clarke wanted to curse Lexa's name. Though if she were honest, cursing wasn't the only thing she wanted to do with it.

"I guess there's a reason we call you the Commander," Raven laughed, unable to contain herself at the glare Clarke had thrown her way. Clarke didn't have to look to know that a smug grin was on her girlfriend's face.

"Wait, what did I miss?" Octavia asked which caused everyone else to break out in laughter.

\----------

If there was one thing that Raven and Octavia were good at, it was definitely pressing the Commander's buttons. Specifically her buttons when it came to sexual suggestions about the blonde sitting beside her.

After the incident with Bellamy, Lexa began sitting with Clarke at lunch and dinner. Mostly she sat beside her so that she wouldn't have to look at the blonde. It was much easier to wear a mask void of any actual feeling just as long as she couldn't get herself lost in the blue pools of Clarke's eyes.

This however, also meant that Indra was forced to sit with Octavia who when she wasn't teasing Lexa and Clarke about their secret relationship was asking Indra about Trikru culture. She had come to learn that Lincoln was born in the same village as Indra and that she, Lincoln and Lexa had spent time together when they were younger until Lincoln's family moved away to a different state.

She couldn't tell if Indra was annoyed at the questions or secretly pleased that someone took such interest in the ways of their people. At first Octavia had turned to Lexa with her questions but the Commander was not forthcoming with the ways of her people, not the way that she had been with Clarke, and in no way that seemed to satiate Blake's hunger for knowledge.

After practice in the mess hall Indra was explaining to Blake what the difference was between a second and apprentice when Lexa yawned. It wasn't that she was uninterested in the way Indra told the story, it was more so that her analytics class right after lunch and practice after that had drained all of the energy out of her.

"Don't tell me your and Clarke's bout of phone sex tired you out last night, Commander." Clarke started coughing on her fries at Raven's comment and Lexa fixed her a steely gaze which before Clarke had come into her life, would have made the defender look away. Instead Raven's eyes met her with a gleaming sparkle. Lexa wasn't sure she liked the change in demeanor.

In fact, Raven wasn't the only one who seemed less nerved by her. Octavia and Harper almost seemed to be more at ease around the Commander, making jokes when others weren't around, at her expense. She had been used to Raven teasing her about her sexual escapades for the past year, though even her tongue seemed to flow more freely now than it had before. And a part of her feared that she was losing her grip as a leader. She felt uneasy.

"What are the chances that Woods and Griffin did anything over break besides have sex?" Octavia asked with a gleam in her eyes.

"Woods and Griffin?" A voice asked causing everyone at the table to freeze, everyone except for Woods who nodded at the newcomer.

"Not again," Octavia groaned with her head in her hands as she couldn't believe that she had just spilled another one of Lexa's secrets, though this time she had been warned not to.

The newcomer laughed, looking pleased. "Hey Woods."

"Hey Harper, Monroe didn't feel like hanging around today?" Everyone at the table looked at Lexa and Harper, confused about why Lexa wasn't more upset about Octavia outing her captain and friend.

"No, she's still pissed about that thing on Thursday." She gave Lexa a short look and Lexa nodded in understanding. Monroe was still upset that Harper had refused to tell her what was going on and that she had decided it a better option to stand in goal with Lexa launching shots in her direction. Lexa still didn't know what the issue was but she did notice that Raven was suddenly very interested in her sandwich, avoiding looking at the blonde keeper.

"It's a good thing," Harper continued, "or else Octavia would have spilled the beans about you and Griffin to someone who didn't know." Lexa exchanged smiles with Harper as Octavia and Clarke both stared at her open mouthed.

"She knows?" They both said in unison, though in very different tones. Clarke sounded annoyed that she knew nothing about this, Octavia sounded hurt. Apparently it was one thing telling Indra and for Clarke's roommate to find out. But a girl that hung out with Lexa and Clarke less often than she did? She seemed displeased.

"You told Harper before me?" Octavia accused, her voice louder than it should be. Lexa could feel the muscles in her arms and neck tensing. She already abhorred the fact that she had to pretend that Clarke didn't mean more to her than anyone else. What she didn't need was one of her teammates chastising her for the way she chose to go about it.

"To be fair, we didn't really tell you, Blake." The Commander nearly hissed at the brunette across from her which was met by Octavia's mouth snapping shut, anger danced behind her eyes. She had no idea why it was Blake would be upset. Had Harper not known, things wouldn't be going well for her right now.

"To be fair, no one told me. I only knew because Clarke showed up after doing something to piss Lexa off," Harper added, trying to calm down the situation. She threw Lexa an apologetic look and Lexa nodded back. She didn't blame her for this.

"Harper's known for a week and you didn't tell me?" Clarke asked and Lexa avoided her gaze. It's not that she was hiding it from Clarke, it's just that the topic never came up. And what did it matter if Harper knew? Harper, unlike Raven and Octavia, never brought up the subject of them in public areas. The people she chose to tell were people who kept their mouths shut. But Lexa bit her tongue. She knew it unwise to say anything like that to Clarke when she was clearly in an unhappy state.

"Who else knows?" Octavia demanded loudly rising to her feet. Lexa could see several students turn to look at their table with curiosity.

"Everyone if you don't keep your voice down," Lexa could feel the anger inside of her rising as well, matching Octavia's glare with her own intense gaze. When Octavia sat back down, Lexa answered. "At this school? Everyone who knows is at this table. Though you two assholes," she looked at Raven and Octavia, "won't fucking shut up about it so I guess neither of you will be happy until everyone knows."

Raven and Octavia both looked away, not wanting to meet her gaze. "Lexa," Clarke's angry voice broke her glare as she looked at her girlfriend who looked the opposite of pleased, patronizing perhaps. Something in Lexa snapped.

"Don't," she ordered her girlfriend, in no mood for a lecture, which seemed to make Clarke more upset.

"No, Lex, if anyone is an asshole right now, it's you. Our friends are happy for us and they are just trying to share that with us. It wasn't their decision for us to keep this secret." Her voice was low and menacing as if challenging Lexa to argue. Unfortunately for Lexa, she never was able to shy away from a challenge.

"No, it was you who decided that, wasn't it Princess?" The table got eerily quiet. They had been arguing in low tones but it wasn't low enough for the people at the table not to hear it.

Lexa's heart ached in her chest as she saw a look of hurt flash behind blue eyes and Clarke's mouth drop to a frown. Clarke reached out to grab Lexa's arms but in that moment Lexa realized that she didn't deserve any kind of comfort from the blonde and she flinched away from the movement, causing Clarke's hand to freeze in the air.

It was the accumulation of anger and frustration that had gotten to Lexa. It was being frustrated that she couldn't just be with Clarke. It was the anger that the people who did know now treated her differently. It was the fact that she hated this change so much that she now _wanted_ to keep her relationship a secret. It showed her as weak.

And she was weak. Though Lexa knew that it wasn't what she felt for Clarke that made her weak. What made her weak was the fact that she cared about how people viewed her now.

So not only was she weak but she hurt the one person she cared about. The person she loved.

Lexa stood up from the table, her chair screeching against the floor. "Excuse me," she said to no one in particular as she walked out the door, blue eyes following her but it was the only thing that gave chase.

When Lexa exited the building she began to run. Where she was running, she didn't know; she was just thankful she was in her track pants and sneakers that she always wore after practice. The cold wind nipped at her nose and she could tell from the air outside that snow wasn't far off. They were part way through December and she was sure that they would be having a white Christmas.

She sighed as she thought of the holiday which made her think of Clarke and she pounded her legs harder into the pavement, trying to escape. And hour had past and then two before she finally collapsed against a brick wall. She had managed to clear her head of any thought or reason but as she sat there on the cold floor, the sweat chilling her skin against the breeze, she found herself consumed again.

She loved Clarke. And it was nothing like the love she had felt for Costia. The two things were similar but so very different. What she felt for Costia was a soft hum brushing against her skin, something she could choose to put aside when necessary. What she felt for Clarke was like a wave of emotion crashing over her and dragging her out to sea, surrounding her and she was helpless to fight against it. It seemed to consume her.

After every thought had made its way through her head, all the happiness, all the anger, all the disappointment, the only thing that she knew to be true was that she was in love with Clarke Griffin. She didn't know how she couldn't see it earlier. Though that wasn't entirely true. She knew that she hadn't wanted to see it and that was the only reason she couldn't see what was right in front of her.

But as soon as she let that go, it was impossible not to see it. She was happier when Clarke was around and it was the only time that she ever felt whole. She couldn't remember the last time she felt like a complete person. For too long she tucked pieces of herself away, hid them from the world and buried them deep so that not even she could retrieve them. And it made her into a shell of the girl she was at sixteen. And she had accepted that for so long. Because how could she ever be complete again with everyone she had lost?

Clarke Griffin was the answer; she was the medicine that Lexa didn't know she needed. And she knew it now just as much as her subconscious seemed to. It took Lexa ten minutes to realize that she was sitting against the outside wall of Clarke's building.

Slowly she got to her feet and her legs seemed to wobble beneath her. She didn't think it was from the run. She suspected that it was more likely due to the heaviness of the realization she had just made which seemed to sit profoundly on her chest.

Lexa took the stairs as opposed to the elevator, content on punishing herself more for hurting Clarke and then leaving her at the dinner table. When she got to the wooden door she stared at it for minutes, not really sure what to say. But when she could wait no longer she sighed and knocked at the door.

Raven stood before her, looking somewhere between angry and disappointed. She opened her mouth to speak but Lexa cut her off. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier."

The defender looked at her, slightly taken aback. It was clear that she hadn't expected an apology from the Commander. The Commander rarely, if ever, made apologies. But in this moment in time, the Commander was gone, the mask tucked away. And Lexa stood exposed and defenseless at the door.

"You fucked up, Woods." It was all she said, but her words had less bite than Lexa had been expecting.

"Can I see her?"

Raven looked back at Clarke who was hidden from Lexa's view by the door. A silent conversation was being had and Lexa could do nothing but hold her breath and wait. A part of her wanted to push past Raven and through the door. It was what the Commander would have done. But Lexa stood silently, awaiting judgement.

After a minute Raven sighed and grabbed a basket of her things, one of the bottles in her hand looking like shampoo. "I'll be back in half an hour." Whether she made the comment to Lexa or to Clarke, Lexa wasn't sure but Raven left, the door left open behind her.

Clarke was laying curled up in her bed and she made no effort to get up when Lexa entered the room. Her eyes looked red as if she had been crying and Lexa's heart broke, knowing she was the one who had caused Clarke pain. Lexa could kick herself for not having planned something to say as she stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room. What she didn't expect was for Clarke to speak first.

"This is all my fault," she whispered just loud enough for Lexa to hear. Not a moment later Lexa found herself on her knees beside the bed, leaning down to press her forehead against Clarke's. How could she ever think that she was the one to blame for this?

"No, Clarke, the fault is my own. I am so sorry for what I said, for how I acted."

Clarke shook her head, moving to sit up on her bed and Lexa followed, draping her arm around Clarke's shoulder, praying that Clarke wouldn't flinch away from her touch as she had done to Clarke earlier. Her heart breathed a sigh of relief when she didn't.

"If I never asked you to keep us a secret, none of this would have happened." She could tell that Clarke was fighting back tears, she could hear it in her voice. So the hand around Clarke's shoulders guided her head to the crook of Lexa's neck and she wrapped both arms around her.

"I should have never given you a choice. It was selfish of me to do so." She had let Clarke handle a tough decision on her own when it was a choice that they should have made together. She felt like a coward trying to comfort Clarke for a decision she had refused to make.

"Would you have wanted to tell everyone?" Her voice was barely loud enough to hear, much quieter than the sigh that Lexa released from her lips.

"Yes, I want nothing more than to tell everyone that you're mine, Clarke. But keeping us a secret was easier than facing the consequences of what we are which is one of the reasons I didn't fight you on this." It was something she still had yet to talk to Clarke about. She wasn't sure the blonde understood that she had something to lose by being with her.

Clarke laughed bitterly. "Consequences? Like people thinking that I'm sleeping with you for personal gain?" She still thought that she was the only one who had a reason to keep this a secret. Had this decision been tearing her up inside since she had made it? Lexa's heart ached again for the cowardice of her actions.

"No, more like the consequences of Coach Sydney possibly stripping me of the arm band."

Clarke straightened immediately, pulling away from Lexa and the brunette sighed at the lack of warmth against her side. "Being with me means you can't be captain of our team?" She looked at Lexa confused, as if she believed that she was wrong in making the statement as if there was no way that she just heard what she thought she had.

"When our coach finds out about us there are three things could happen. The first is that I get to keep my title but that it won't mean anything and that she will take over control of the team. The second is that she strips me of my title and it goes to someone else, likely Harper or Indra. The third is that nothing changes."

"And the likelihood of the third option?" Clarke asked, leaning forward, a hand going to Lexa's knee which was very uneasy to just ignore.

"I wouldn't bet on it."

The room became quiet as Lexa watched the gauntlet of emotions pass through Clarke's features. First there was disbelief, then annoyance, then anger. She didn't speak again until it landed on confusion. "Lex, why would you want to tell anyone then? And why the hell wouldn't you have told me this sooner? I could have tried harder to distance myself from you."

"I didn't want that," Lexa stated, her hand finally falling onto Clarke's hand holding her knee.

"But commanding this team means everything to you!"

They stared at each other for a few moments and Lexa could see Clarke's eyes move back and forth as if trying to search her face for some answer that she couldn't figure out. An answer that Lexa felt should have come so easy to her. She let out a small sigh and spoke her next words slowly, deliberately. "No, Clarke, not everything."

I'd still have you. That's what she wanted to say but the words died in her throat as Clarke's lips landed against hers. There was a slight desperation to the kiss as if Clarke was trying to pour every unspoken word between them into this kiss and Lexa could almost feel them, she could almost taste them.

It spoke of longing and friendship. It spoke of both sadness and joy. It spoke of contentedness and lust. It spoke of confusion. It spoke of love. And Lexa gave herself over to it, trying to express what it was she felt as well. She needed Clarke to feel it because she didn't think she could bring herself to say it, not yet. For now, she prayed her actions spoke the words that her lips could not.

When the kiss broke, they sat there with their foreheads pressed together as they breathed each other in. Never had Lexa loved the scent of vanilla more.

"I can't ask you to give that up for me, Lex. I won't. I want to tell the world how I feel about you but I can't just yet, not when it can cost you so much." The words wrapped around Lexa like a blanket, comforting her and allowing her to ask the question that had been hidden in her mind the last week and a half, the question she dare not think of, yet continued to haunt her dreams.

"So you're not ashamed to be with me?" It felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders having just said it aloud. She wasn't even entirely sure that's how she had been feeling until the words finally aired themselves out in the open. It wasn't their hiding that bothered her so much as her not knowing if there were more reasons behind Clarke wanting to hide her.

Lexa felt hands against her shoulders pushing her away until she was an arm's length away from Clarke. And when she refused to look up she felt fingers beneath her chin, drawing up her gaze until she was forced to look at the girl in front of her.

"I am not ashamed to be your girlfriend, Lex. You mean the world to me and there is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for you. And if that means shouting it for the world to hear it then that's exactly what I will do. But don't for one second believe that I was or am ashamed." Her blue eyes blazed with an intensity that Lexa could not look away from. She was mesmerized. "I will go with you to talk to coach Sydney but I want you to think long and hard before deciding I'm worth giving up everything you've worked so hard for."

Lexa didn't hesitate. "You are worth giving up so much more for." But blue eyes pleaded with her and so she nodded. "I will think about it. But I can't risk someone telling our coach before we do."

Clarke nodded, knowing that not only would she have to try harder but that she would need to talk to her friends.

Lexa watched as the blonde bit her lip as if debating something in her head. Lexa could tell when the inner struggle died down and not a moment later Clarke made a request. "Stay with me tonight?"

Lexa smiled and nodded. After what had happened at dinner, she couldn't have asked for a better outcome to the evening. She moved slowly and laid herself down so that her back was up against the wall, her left hand snaked below Clarke's pillow and her right hand lifted in an invitation to her girlfriend that smiled and snuggled up against her.

The bed was small and was meant to deter two people from trying to share its space but Lexa would have needed a much better deterrent to be pulled away tonight. There was nowhere she wanted to be more than against her girlfriend, breathing in the air she let out.

Lexa could feel herself losing consciousness. The day had been long and rough and her body begged for sleep. But just before the darkness overtook her, Raven entered the room.

"If I wake up to the sound of you two doing it, I swear to God." She didn't finish her threat but rather left it unsaid as if to make it more frightening. But Lexa's girlfriend shook from laugher in her arms.

"As if you wouldn't want to see it." And Lexa smiled at Clarke's comment while Raven gave an exasperated huff.

"I liked it better when you didn't mimic Woods' sense of humor." But she was the only one because Lexa rather enjoyed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So good news and bad news right. I mean the good news is that they FINALLY talked. The bad news is that they are still keeping it a secret, at least for now. Though I promise that won't last much longer. Good news, they didn't go to bed angry! Not so great news, (well for those who love fast updates) I have a coworker flying down this week that I usually hang out with after work so I probably won't have much time to write so the next chapter will likely come out Friday afternoon. I'm sorry about that.
> 
> Also, want to help me with my bad case of writer's block? What do you think Lexa would get Clarke for Christmas? What would Clarke get Lexa? I'm finding it really hard to come up with something good that fits the idea in my head. Any ideas help!
> 
> You guys are the best! Thank you so much for reading and sticking with this story.


	33. Trigedasleng

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 32 Summary:  
> The secret of Clarke and Lexa's relationship hit a tipping point when their friends couldn't hold their tongue leading to their first fight as a couple.
> 
> \---
> 
> First off, I want to tell you all thank you so much for all of the comments wishing me luck with my writer's block and giving me all those great gift ideas. I'm still thinking about what would be best for the story, but all the ideas did light a spark in that brain of mine so hopefully it will come soon! Especially because I will need it for Chapter 35!
> 
> That said, I wrote the second half of this fighting my writer's block so I hope it turned out okay.

"So that's the second time your girlfriend has stayed the night at our place." Clarke and Raven were standing in the elevator of Lexa's apartment about an hour after Lexa had left her bed to go home and shower.

Just over two weeks had passed since since the incident in the cafeteria with all their friends and things were finally returning to a comfortable normal. It seemed to take over a week before Octavia forgave Clarke for not trusting her and it had taken a few days past that before her and Lexa were talking again. Though between Lexa and Octavia, Clarke wasn't sure which one had been more upset at the other.

The Sunday after the incident, Lexa and Clarke had invited Raven, Octavia, Indra and Harper over to Lexa's place for dinner to apologize for everything that had happened and to explain to them why it was they were continuing to keep their relationship a secret.

There were a number of fallen jaws and cries of out outrage over what they assumed was Lexa just being paranoid but there was one person who sighed and agreed with Lexa, well besides Indra who never seemed to show any emotion beyond annoyance. It surprised Clarke to know that Harper felt the same way, but upon further explanation from the other blonde, it made sense.

As the keeper of the team, Harper was given as much free reign to take control of their teams activities during practice, which she would do with the defense though she bowed out in respect to Lexa more often than not. And like Lexa, when Harper had earned her position their coach had sat her down and gave her the same speech. Her ability to function freely, without restriction, was dependent on her following the Code of Conduct to a T. What Clarke hadn't seen, and her girlfriend had, was the look of realization on Raven's face before she looked away from Harper ashamed.

This then led to everyone scouring over the Code of Conduct packets they had received during their orientations. And while it didn't say that relationships between teammates were prohibited, it did mention that relationships between people of authority and their subordinates was highly discouraged.

The evening ended with everyone agreeing not to discuss Clarke and Lexa anymore in public. It also meant that Clarke knew she had to stop brushing up against her girlfriend every chance that she could, the way she had been the last two weeks. But with finals starting Monday, Clarke had been counting down the hours until she could be open with the woman she loved.

Clarke shook her head, escaping the memories of the past two weeks and turned back to her roommate. She heard the warning tone in Raven's voice. Last night had probably been unwise.

"Octavia asked Lexa if she could have the apartment last night for her and Lincoln's anniversary. Lex meant to leave and go to a hotel room but she was helping me study for my math final and we both just sort of passed out." But Clarke could not deny the voice inside of her head that said that the truth was that she didn't want Lexa to leave. She never wanted Lexa to leave. And she also didn't want to sacrifice Lexa's hard work, at least not until Lexa came to the decision on her own to do so. Her head and her heart were in a constant state of war.

Raven had unlocked Lexa's door and Clarke followed her into the apartment. She was sure that her friend was about to continue lecturing her on her lack of responsibility when a sound of moaning along with a rhythmic thud filled the room and both girls froze.

"I thought the sound was hot like the first three times I heard it, after Octavia had moved in. But then I realized how often I would be subjected to it and now I've come to ignore it." Lexa strolled out of the kitchen with two mugs in her hands as she handed one to Clarke and the scent of coffee beans and cinnamon filled her senses. Coffee at Lexa's was better than coffee anywhere else. She recently began soaking the water in cinnamon before brewing it. It had become Clarke's latest addiction.

"You are able to ignore that?" Raven asked, completely bewildered as they followed Lexa into the living room where Indra was sitting with ear plugs shoved firmly in her ears. Lexa hadn't been kidding. It was a sound that invaded this apartment often enough that Indra had invested in ear plugs to combat the sounds of unfiltered pleasure.

The moaning was broken up by a short screamed followed by Lincoln's name and Clarke couldn't help the flush that came to her cheeks. She could understand what Lexa meant with the statement she had made when they walked in. There was something so primal about the cries that made her want to drag Lexa back to her room and compete with the other brunette striker.

"You think this is bad?" Lexa asked with a small laugh. "This is library whispers compared to the night I told Octavia that she made starting forward."

"Lexa really can't be one to complain about noises coming from bedrooms in this apartment," Indra said flatly as Lexa shot her friend a glare. How many women had Lexa brought home only to have them screaming her name in ecstasy? Clarke shook her head, trying to rid her mind of the thought.

"They've been at it since I got here an hour ago," Lexa sighed before plopping herself onto the couch, in front of an analytical analysis text book that she had been taking notes on.

"There were going at it half an hour before that as well," Indra complained with an exasperated sigh.

"Fuck this!" Raven exclaimed as she stomped her way to her friend's door and used her fist to pound on the wood three times. "Octavia Isabel Blake! I did not wake up early on the first Saturday we don't have practice to listen to you bone your boyfriend! I came here because WE need to finish our sociology project so get your ass out here!"

"God damnit!" Clarke heard from the other side of the door as she watched the Raven and Lexa exchange devious smiles, unsure of what the exchange between them meant. Instead of asking Clarke decided it best to just ignore the two girls and took a seat beside her girlfriend as she leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek, the skin warm across her lips.

"Bring your math notes to study?" Lexa asked, as she draped her arm around Clarke's shoulders. She wasn't sure if Lexa was smiling so brilliantly because she was there or if it was because the sound of sex was no longer filling the apartment.

Clarke just nodded in response, as she pulled out her notes and tried to ignore the pulling feeling still in her groin. Instead she turned her focus to the symbols on the page, praying that they would continue to make sense Monday afternoon.

Raven in turn flopped down on the chair opposite of them and pulled out her laptop along with some of the research they had completed for their group project. The silence between the studying group lasted five minutes until a red faced couple emerged from behind Octavia's door. The brunette opened her mouth as if to attempt to deliver an apology but before she could, in unison, Raven and Lexa stood up and began slow clapping, pretending to look impressed. It took a second for Clarke to realize both girls were staring at Lincoln whose face turned beet red.

"Lincoln," Lexa started, that mischievous grin back on her face. "I'm surprised Octavia is still able to stand."

"Yes," Raven agreed, "I had no idea football players had that kind of stamina. I mean soccer players sure..."

"Screw you guys!" Octavia spat, crossing her arms and looking clearly annoyed at her friend and roommate.

"Would I need to screw myself for an hour and a half?" Raven asked coyly.

Lexa laughed. "Actually, I have a girlfriend who does that for me." And Clarke watched her turn and wink in her direction, that devilish grin unfaltering. Clarke, however, was surprised to find that she wasn't at all embarrassed by the insinuation. She was pretty sure the sounds she heard earlier had added to her eagerness to comply to that request.

But Octavia grinned. "Yeah, speaking of screamers." At this Clarke did turn red.

"I do not scream," Clarke protested. She knew that at times she may have gotten louder than she had planned too, but it was never at an unreasonable volume, was it? It had been the one upside to Lexa's roommates knowing about their relationship. It meant she was beginning to spend weekends at Lexa's.

"I've found myself wondering," Octavia began, lifting a curious brow. "Is there a reason that sometimes you scream out 'Lexa' when you cum and other times you scream out for the commander?"

Raven began laughing manically, falling back onto the couch at the same times that Clarke dropped her hot face into her hands. Ever since that night at the club, there was a new side of Lexa that had been unleashed in the bedroom. It wasn't there every time, maybe about a quarter of the time. It was a contrast to how sex had been the week of thanksgiving in the same way as Lex existed opposite of the commander.

Most times when they made love Lexa seemed to take her time, worshiping every inch of Clarke's body with her mouth, dragging out slowly and causing Clarke to beg for more of her. She treated her like she was precious and fragile and just so uniquely described the woman that Lexa was. But she had begun to alternate between that and another side of her that was a little more rough, more demanding, still worshiping but with the knowledge that there was absolutely nothing fragile about the blonde beneath her. She took more liberties, drew out more marks on Clarke's skin. There was something so dominating about her, so in control that it was hard not to call out for the Commander.

Lexa was a bottom but the Commander was most definitely a top.

But unlike Clarke, Lexa didn't seem embarrassed at all. "Maybe I'm just that damn good, Blake." And there was the commander side peaking out, a smug grin evident on her face.

Octavia snorted clearly unimpressed with Lexa's response but it did nothing to make Lexa's shit eating grin falter any.

"And does Clarke know what obscenities you yell out in Trigedasleng, Heda?" All heads whipped to Indra, a look of shock on everyone's faces. If Clarke was being honest, she had no idea what it was that Lexa cried out in her family's native tongue. Outside of words like 'please', 'shit' and 'fuck' she hadn't been able to translate any of the other words. All she knew was that it sounded absolutely sexy spilling from her lips.

"Shof op, Indra." Was all Lexa said, the grin completely wiped from her face.

But Raven was clambering towards Lexa's second. "What would I need to offer you to tell us what it is that Lexa says?" Clarke found herself leaning forward as well, also curious to know. She had asked Lexa once and had received a smile and shrug in reply while stating that things said in the heat of the moment often weren't meant to be said outside of those moments.

"Indra," Lexa warned again with a stern look on her face but her second ignored her and instead rubbed her chin in contemplation.

"I would like to not have to wear ear plugs whenever Lincoln and Clarke come over. Manage that by the end of the year and I will tell you." At this Lexa grinned. Even if Raven could manage to keep Octavia quiet Clarke knew that Lexa would do everything in her power to make sure that her girlfriend wasn't. She would have to find out another way.

Raven groaned. "I'd have a better shot at sleeping with Octavia than I would have keeping either of these two," she motioned to Octavia and Clarke, "quiet."

"I know you dream about it," Octavia teased.

"I'm not really sure I want to know about someone dreaming about sex with my girlfriend," Lincoln mused, the first thing he had said since emerging from Octavia's room.

"And he speaks!" Lexa laughed. "I was wondering if Blake had managed to screw the words right out of you." Lincoln in turn shot Lexa a dark glare.

Indra just ignored Lincoln and Lexa. "That is what I require. I would need to be given something miraculous to repeat what it is Lexa says out loud,". She spat this last part out in disgust while glaring at the Commander.

Clarke gave her girlfriend a questioning look as she leaned in close to her ear and threatened, "no more sex until you tell me what it is that you've been screaming."

Lexa cleared her throat and shot back, "I don't scream."

This time every person in the room spoke in unison, including Lincoln. "You do." And it appeared as if the roles had turned as Clarke sat there with a proud grin and Lexa with flushed cheeks. So this is what sexual smugness felt like.

\----------

"I was thinking about your birthday." Lexa's voice was raspy from sleep the sound music to Clarke's ears.

Both girls had woken up over an hour ago but words had not been exchanged beyond greetings of a good morning. Instead they had spent the early hours of morning exchanging kisses and lightly running fingers across arms and backs and stomachs. Their legs were tangled together and there was this need to just be close to one another.

Clarke's threat the day before held absolutely no weight, though it wasn't for lack of trying. Lexa refused to tell Clarke what it was Indra had overhead her saying in bed and Clarke in turn had refused to let Lexa touch her the way she wanted to. After about fifteen minutes it looked as if the brunette's resolve was breaking before she let out a small huff and decided that she had a better idea.

Clarke had watched helplessly as Lexa slowly began stripping her own clothes off her body, her hands running tantalizingly across her own chest and stomach in a way that made Clarke's palms itch with desire. When Lexa then laid beside Clarke in bed and began pleasuring herself and calling out Clarke's name, it was over.

Lexa played dirty and Clarke wished she could be upset about that fact but she was too turned on to feel anything else beyond the desire building between her legs. And another night passed where Lexa gasped in tongues she didn't understand. "Maybe I'll learn Trigedasleng," she had threatened. But the look on Lexa's face was that of pure joy. Clarke's chest warmed knowing that Lexa just wanted her girlfriend to be even more of a part of her world.

"What about my birthday?" Clarke asked, nuzzling into Lexa's neck while Lexa's hand traced across her bicep. Lexa had learned yesterday that Clarke's birthday was New Year's Day and she seemed slightly distraught that she only had half a month to remedy this fact.

"I was thinking I could throw a New Year's Eve party and we can have everyone over so that they could be with you on your birthday."

Clarke burrowed her head further into Lexa who sighed contentedly. "Are you trying to kill two birds with one stone?" It sounded a bit like she was trying to get out of putting much thought into the idea but her girlfriend scoffed at the suggestion.

"I have something planned for the day of your birthday, Clarke. I just thought it might be nice if all of your friends got together and helped celebrate both you and the new year with us." Clarke could feel her heart swell as a prickling feeling flooded behind her eyes. She had no idea why it was that she was being so emotional. Maybe it was just the fact that Lexa seemed to care so much about her. And every time she felt as if there was no way Clarke could love Lexa more, she decided to be even more caring than the day before.

"That's too much, Lex. I'd be fine if we just did one or the other." She suddenly felt guilty for suggesting that Lexa hadn't put much thought into her birthday.

"I'd give you the world if it made you happy, Clarke."

Clarke couldn't contain the smile on her face as she let out a small chuckle. "For someone that everyone is always afraid of, you're quite the sap, you know that?"

Lexa made an offended cry, "I am in no way a sap. I'm smooth and debonair." Clarke could feel her head being raised higher away from the bed as Lexa made a motion to puff out her chest which only made Clarke laugh in response.

Clarke lifted herself onto her forearm so that she could look at her girlfriend who was pretending to put on this air of superiority, as if being sappy was beneath her. "Debonair?" she questioned. "Babe, you told my boobs goodnight before we fell asleep last night!" Though Clarke had to admit, it always put a smile on her face when Lexa talked to the "girls".

"Clarke, I don't see your point you're trying to make," she deadpanned as if her actions were anything beyond normal.

And before Clarke could say anything she felt warm skin against her chest as Lexa reached out to grab onto her left boob firmly, slowly kneading at the flesh and Clarke felt her heart rate immediately begin to quicken. She forgot entirely what it was that she wanted to say and instead let out a whisper, "Lex."

"Hmmm?" Her girlfriend asked as she leaned up to lazily nip at Clarke's throat, her tongue darting out to sooth every small bite she made.

"Tell me something in Trigedasleng," she moaned. The conversation the day before had sat in the back of her mind and the only thing she could coherently think of at the moment was how she wanted desperately for Lexa to say something, anything.

"Ai wan hogeda gon yu," Lexa whispered against her throat.

"What does that mean?" Clarke gasped, the warmth spreading between her thighs.

"I want all of you," Lexa translated and bit down harder on Clarke's pulse point as she moaned loudly, her hips bucking forward into Lexa's abdomen. "Hogeda gon me ste yun," she added only a moment later.

"And that?" Clarke gasped as Lexa's fingers stroked across the outside of her thigh.

"All that I am belongs to you," she translated again and a feeling of warmth spread across Clarke's body. Then Lexa's voice went from soft to desperate as she seemed to beg "Tel ai yu laik ain, Klark." But before Clarke could ask what it was she said Lexa offered, "Tell me you are mine, Clarke."

Clarke's breath caught in her throat as a desperate need filled Lexa's voice, and Clarke wanted nothing more than to be Lexa's. She laid there for a moment not saying a word as Lexa pulled away from her to look into her eyes. Green orbs were filled with both desire and worry. She had no idea how they went from laughing about Lexa talking to her chest to Lexa looking as if she was unable to contain her feelings for her, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"Hogeda gon me ste yun," Clarke answered slowly hoping she got the words right, the relieved breath coming from Lexa's mouth told her that she had. And Clarke wanted nothing more than to tell Lexa that she loved her but before she could, lips were claiming her own and their bodies began to roll around in the sheets.

There was nothing rushed about their movements despite the fact that they were fighting the the opportunity to be on top. Clarke knew that she had just told Lexa that she was hers and that she had practically given permission for Lexa to take her but she found herself needing to show Lexa how it was she felt. If she couldn't get out the words the least she could do was show her.

They jockeyed for position switching from Lexa being on top, to Clarke rolling Lexa and her being on top, then back to Lexa rolling Clarke back over, her back hitting the warm sheets. She wanted to roll over again but Lexa had her hands over her head, pushing them against the pillow, planting her legs down firmly on either side of her waist. There was no way that she was physically going to overpower the brunette in this position. She knew she would have to mentally do it which involved not only waiting but not breaking under Lexa's sexual prowess.

But just as Lexa was leaning down to kiss her, a ringing broke the quietness of the room and Lexa groaned. "Leave it," Clarke breathed out, cursing whoever it was that was calling her phone. Lexa just nodded, ignoring the ringtone as she leaned in to kiss Clarke.

The kiss was soft and filled with longing, the gentleness of it pulling at Clarke's heart strings as the room returned to quiet, the sounds of lips moving together and escaped moans being the only thing filling the room. But as soon as Clarke felt the flick of a tongue at the bottom of her lip, the ringing began again.

Lexa sighed and pulled away, head turning to look at the loud phone on the nightstand. "Leave it," Clarke said again, annoyed at whoever it was that was interrupting her amazing morning. She didn't care who was at the other end of the phone. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been nearly as important as the moment she was sharing with Lexa.

When the phone stopped ringing, Lexa returned to her ministrations, her tongue now flicking against the roof of Clarke's mouth, forcing shivers to run down her throat and wrapping around her spine. She swore she could feel her body shake from it. And the more she thought about how well Lexa used her tongue, the more she felt like shaking. And she gave over to the fact that Lexa was going to win this round.

Lexa's thigh pushed forcefully between her legs, swallowing Clarke's moan in her mouth.  And Clarke squirmed against her girlfriend, desperate for more pressure between her legs.  She could feel herself pulsing, as Lexa's lips slowly began to work their way south.  Then the phone rang again and Lexa pulled away, annoyance now filling her features. "For fucks sake," she groaned as she leaned over to grab Clarke's phone.

"Lex, don't-" but before she could stop the brunette she had leaned over and swiped across her phone.

"Clarke Griffin's phone. Clarke is a little busy at the moment, can she call you back in say two hours?" And she gave Clarke a devilish grin that made her laugh, desperate for her girlfriend to get off the phone and ravish her for both those hours. But it wasn't a moment later that that smirk fell and a serious look crossed Lexa's features, her throat bobbing as she swallowed. Clarke could feel a ball well up in her stomach.

Lexa cleared her throat, looking slightly pale. "Uh, yes, I'm sorry Mrs. Griffin. That was her laughing. Let me give her the phone." Clarke swore she could see Lexa's hand shaking as she handed Clarke the phone and a feeling of dread washed over her as she sat up and Lexa swung her legs off of Clarke, who grabbed her wrist and pleaded for her to stay. She did with a nod, not letting go of her hand.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. She usually only talked to her mom once a week and they had talked several days ago. Something had to have been wrong.

_"Nothing's wrong, Clarke. I figured you would be asleep still and I'd need to call a few times to wake you up."_ She sounded annoyed, a feeling that was beginning to eat away at the fear that had overtaken Clarke's emotions just seconds ago. She could see Lexa's eyes searching her face, trying to figure out what was wrong.

"Mom!" She groaned in exasperation. "I thought something bad had happened. Couldn't you just call once and leave a message?"

_"Oh, so you did hear my other phone calls! Why didn't you answer and who was that answering your phone at seven in the morning?"_ At that Clarke froze, starting wide eyed at Lexa.

"I stayed the night at a friend's house." The words stung coming out and left a horrible taste on her tongue. She hated referring to Lexa as a friend but she didn't feel as if this was the time and place for her to tell her mother that she had a girlfriend. But Lexa's features did not change. She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief that nothing was wrong before leaning down to place soft kisses against Clarke's shoulder as if reassuring her that it was okay.

_"Well I was hoping that we could talk about Christmas."_ She could hear her mother's tone fade away, usually the sign of bad news.

"What about Christmas?" At this, Lexa pulled away from her soft kisses to look at Clarke with furrowed brows. Clarke had already told Lexa that she would be able to spend Christmas with her, Aden and the rest of her family.

_"Well, I wanted to let you know that I tried really hard to get that shift off but so many doctors have families and I just couldn't find anyone. You understand, right sweetie?"_ Clarke's eyes closed as she took in a deep breath. Her mother being busy was good news, it meant that she could spend the holiday with Lexa but there was a part of her who hurt.

It was hard not to remember a time where things didn't used to be this way. In fact a vast majority of her life had not been this way. She used to be happy when her mom had called her over the phone. Her mom used to be one of those doctors who refused to take Christmas and Thanksgiving shifts at the hospital. Christmas used to mean sitting around a roaring fire and a fir tree while sipping cocoa while her parents huddled up lovingly on the couch, still yawning due to the fact that Clarke had pulled them out of bed at an ungodly hour to open presents.

But the woman on the other end of the phone was not the woman who used to spend Christmas Eve baking gingerbread cookies with Clarke every year since she was four. When her father died, it was as if the mother that she knew died as well. What was left was someone that Clarke didn't recognize. Someone who clearly no longer cared about her. She could feel an anger begin to rage inside of her.

"And you don't have a family, is that it, Mom?" She knew for a fact that if her mother really wanted Christmas off, she had the tenure to do so. She already had to spend the holiday without one of her parents. It killed her inside that the only one remaining didn't seem to care enough to be there for her.

_"That's not fair, Clarke. People depend on me to do my job!"_ Her mother sounded angry at Clarke's accusation but she couldn't bring herself to care. _"I could probably get Christmas Eve evening off if you wanted to have dinner. I was thinking we could go to that steak place downtown."_

Clarke would have felt guilty, or she knew that she probably should have, but she didn't when she said "Actually Mom, I have plans to spend the holidays with a really good friend of mine so I don't think I'll be home this break."

There was a long pause that seemed to stretch for hours as neither woman said a word. Clarke even checked the screen on her phone twice to make sure that her mother hadn't hung up on her. When her mother finally did speak, her voice was as cold as stone. _"Well I wish you would have told me sooner, Clarke. I would have made plans. And if you knew you weren't going to spend Christmas with me then why pretend you're upset with me being busy?"_

The question stung and Clarke turned away from Lexa who in response began to rub circles into Clarke's back, the rhythmic motion soothing her. "I'm sorry, Mom. A part of me just hoped you would be able to get Christmas off of work." She sighed, her mood thoroughly ruined. "Look, I have to get ready. How about I call you tomorrow and you can tell me about work?"

_"Sure, Clarke. I'll talk to you tomorrow."_ Her mother sounded nearly as defeated as Clarke felt but she waited for the line to go quiet before she shut off her phone and placed it back onto the table.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked but Clarke couldn't stop the flood of tears that fell from her eyes. She wished she could go back to moments ago. She wished she had turned off her phone last night. But more than all of that, she wished she had a mother that wanted her around. She wished she had the mother that she had when she also had a father.

She could feel strong arms around her, pulling her into the warmth of Lexa's chest. As they sat together, Lexa rocked her softly placing gentle kisses on the top of her head. She didn't apologize, she didn't tell her that it was going to be okay, she knew Clarke didn't want to hear either.

"Why can't she want me, Lex?" Lexa held her closer as Clarke buried herself in her girlfriend's neck, desperate to have her warmth engulf her. She knew that it couldn't take away the coldness in her chest created by her mother's absence but she prayed that it would help.

"Tell me that you want me," she whispered the command, unsure if Lexa could hear her over the sobbing. She could see a trail of a tear sliding slowly down Lexa's clavicle.

Lexa pressed a firm kiss to her forehead.  "I want all that you are. You are kind, you are smart, you are loyal, you are beautiful and you are by far the best person I have ever met. I hope to one day be the type of person who is worthy of you, Clarke Griffin. And for as long as you want me, I am yours."

"I will always want you, Lex." She said it without knowing if the statement were true. But deep down she felt as if what she said was right. She couldn't imagine ever not wanting the girl beside her.

And Lexa answered back, just as unsure about the truth as Clarke had been but with such conviction that it couldn't be mistaken for anything other than the truth. "Then I will always be yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It actually took awhile to come up with those phrases in Trigedasleng and honestly I don't even know if I got them right. But hey, here's to hoping that no one majored in Trigedasleng (though if you did, I would very much appreciate you correcting my grammar for me). 
> 
> So as far as the next chapter...  
> My ten year old niece is actually going to be spending the weekend with me. Which means I will likely be busy going on coffee dates with her, going to the movies, having dinner, painting, hiking, and then doing whatever else her little heart desires. This means that I won't be writing all weekend. I'm putty in this little girl's hands. So mix that with my little slump...it's looking like Wednesday. I hope this one was good enough to hold you over.
> 
> Again, thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. If you have anymore, go ahead and feel free to shoot them my way. 
> 
> Want a preview of what's to come?  
> Chapter 34 - Christmas Eve  
> Chapter 35 - Christmas  
> Chapter 36 - New Years Eve
> 
> We're celebrating half-Christmas with Christmas chapters. Cheers!


	34. What Do You Propose?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 33:  
> Octavia's anniversary evening lasted well into the next day leading to plenty of teasing from her roommates and friends. Then Clarke got a call from her mother that didn't end in the best of terms.
> 
> \---
> 
> So just a head's up, I may not be able to update this week. For starters, the US Men's National Team took first in their COPA group which means that they are playing in Seattle against Ecuador. And as I had a bet with my friend in Seattle about them taking first, I will find myself on a plane tomorrow (Thursday) and then at Century Link Stadium tomorrow evening to watch the game. USA! USA! And then when I fly back, I travel to the desert for work the rest of next week. I will write when I can but as writing has become a little less easy for me recently, I probably won't get out another chapter for at least a week. I apologize, but to make it up to you, this is the longest chapter I've written. Enjoy!

The sounds of birds chirping was drowned out over the loud hum of an engine running along with thick wheels treading over unpaved roads and tearing through nature. A sea of white seemed to coat the earth around them as hints of brown peaked out beneath the layers of snow. And a part of the landscape was obstructed by a bath of heavy fog from Clarke's breath against the side window, her hot breath reacting to the freezing temperatures on the other side of the glass.

Clarke had never seen Lexa look so uncomfortable since she had met her. Her knuckles were as white as the snow that covered the ground as her left hand death gripped the steering wheel and the right the manual stick shift knob. Her eyes kept darting around quickly as if trying to find objects that would appear out of nowhere and not once did Lexa hit a single tick above forty miles an hour.

The train ride from Lexa's house to the station had been filled with laughter, hugging, stolen kisses and talks about plans for the next few days. But as soon as they left the train and piled into Lexa's jeep that had been waiting for them at the station, her demeanor had changed. Clarke swore she could see the discomfort weighing heavily in her eyes and she found herself wondering how many times Lexa had gotten behind the wheel of a car since their accident six years ago. Clarke had quickly offered to drive but as soon as she found out that the off-roading vehicle had a manual transmission, they had no choice but to let Lexa drive.

Within five minutes of leaving the station, the pair found themselves taking a dirt road off the side of the highway and began to make the slow trek through the forest. Lexa had told her that it was the family house that Titus had purchased as their vacation cabin in the forest right after he had married her mother. It was as close as he could get to the reservation within the mountains.

It was a tradition that the family meet up there every Christmas Eve and stay until the day after Christmas to celebrate. It was an escape from the world around them that allowed them to focus their time on friends and family. There was only a single land line that still connected the house to civilization as the cell service that far out was unreliable. If had forced Titus and Gustus to unplug from work, a luxury now also being afforded to Lexa and Anya. Clarke had given her mother the number to the cabin in case of an emergency.

"So explain the next few days to me again." Clarke already knew. Her and Lexa had discussed this the last two weeks since she had agreed to join her girlfriend for the holidays but at the moment she was hoping to pull Lexa's focus off her own trepidation.

Lexa spoke slowly as if unsure about whether or not she could afford to lose any of her focus on driving. "Anya will probably be there already and Gustus and his family will likely show up later in the afternoon. We will likely spend tonight telling stories and playing games by the fire. Then tomorrow morning I will go off for our traditional hunt with Roan, Gustus, Gustus' sons and Aden. We take off fairly early and should be back by late morning."

"And I can help Anya and Magnolia with dinner," Clarke offered with a warm smile. Lexa had offered earlier in the week to take Clarke out on the hunt with them as it would be Aden's first year going as well, but she declined. Clarke had no issues eating meat, but she preferred to believe that meat came from the market and had no desire to actually witness an animal being killed. "So why the hunt again?"

Lexa let out a small smile, the first smile Clarke had seen since they had entered the Jeep forty-five minutes ago. "The twelve clans celebrate Set Skaifaya Raun, or Skaif Raun, which translates to 'making of the stars' in honor of the thirteen spirits being brought to Earth for our people. Our warriors have always gone on hunts during Skaif Raun to bring home dinner for their people at a feast where we honor to the Spirit."

"And if you don't catch an animal?" Clarke asked, curious.

"Skai Raun is celebrated from the solstice to the beginning of the year. In the days of the past, the celebration dinner was not had until a kill had been brought home to feast on. Anya, however, has already bought the ham so if we cannot catch a meal, we will still have dinner." Lexa smiled a bit wider. "I was five when my grandfather took me for my first hunt. I caught a deer and my grandfather boasted to everyone he saw the rest of the year. We aren't ones to stuff animals and keep souvenirs, we use all of the animal that we kill, but my grandfather was proud. The buck's head is hanging in the house."

Clarke smiled, almost able to picture a five year old Lexa beaming with pride, smiling beside her grandfather who looked even more proud than she did. She imagined that Lexa must still miss the man that would no longer be able to share Skaif Raun with her again much in the same way that Clarke was spending Christmas without her father. She bit her lip and closed her eyes as she took in a long breath to steady herself. She was glad that Lexa was still too distracted with the fact that she needed to drive to notice her momentary mood change.

"And you guys do or don't exchange gifts?" Clarke's gaze shifted to the back seat where only six presents sat wrapped. Something Lexa bought for Clarke, for Aden and one for each of Gustus' sons. The last gift was something that Clarke had gotten for Lexa. But no other gift sat between them.

Lexa laughed. "We normally only give gifts to the children. Being able to spend time together is gift enough for those of us old enough to understand it." So it seemed that the adults didn't give each other presents.

"But you got me something." It wasn't a question so much as it was a statement.

Lexa smiled. "I got you a Christmas gift, Clarke. I don't want you to miss out on your traditions just because you are choosing to celebrate with my family this year."

"Well I got you something, too, babe." And Lexa smiled wider, the way she always seemed to when Clarke used that term of endearment for her.

"You being here is more than enough for me, Clarke." The place in the blonde's chest swelled as a warmth overtook her. She was the one smiling widely now. And just as Clarke was about to make fun of Lexa and call her a sap, she saw a flood of relief wash over Lexa's features. Her body even seemed to sink down comfortably into the driver's seat for the first time since they had entered the vehicle. "We made it." Lexa said it as if she were thanking a higher being with a prayer.

If Clarke was being honest, when Lexa told her that they were staying the next few days in the family cabin Clarke had envisioned a small building made of logs much like the Lincoln Log toy set that she used to play with as a child. It wasn't as if she was unaware that Lexa's family had an insane amount of wealth and yet she hadn't pictured anything so grandiose. It sat there in the middle of a large clearing surrounded by large fir trees, filling the air with the scent of pine. And the cabin itself may as well have been a mansion in the middle of nowhere.

The outside of the building was made of flat cedar wood as if it were trying to blend in with the earth around it. And a large porch fitted with two love seat swings and a small wooden table with three chairs, an ideal place to enjoy a morning coffee if it weren't below freezing outside. And atop the roof of the building which stood three stories, towering high like the trees around it, she could see a chimney with a billow of smoke protruding from it.

Clarke followed Lexa into the house as she threw both duffle bags over her shoulder, refusing to let Clarke grab her own bag. Clarke merely rolled her eyes. Those same eyes widened the minute she stepped into the house. The smell of baked good filled the air around them and the entry way openly stretched to the back of the house whose wall wasn't made of wood but rather glass. Clarke could see the forest outside of the windowed wall facing west, lighting up the house with natural light, snow flurries stuck to the glass' texture. It was as if they were still immersed in nature even within the confines of the mansion cabin.

"They're here!" A small voice bellowed out followed by a screeching of sneakers as Clarke watched Aden sprinting from the other side of the building, barreling towards Lexa who dropped to her knees, their bags landing on the floor with a soft thud. Aden launched himself into Lexa's arms who just squeezed him tight, lifting his little feet off the ground and peppering his face with small kisses as he tried to squirm away.

Clarke's heart melted as she watched the two of them embrace. She found herself wondering whether or not the two of them would have been this close had tragedy not struck Lexa's life the way it had. But perhaps they would have. Despite the fact that Lexa would scoff at the mention of it, Clarke knew her girlfriend had a very large heart and that anyone she chose to let inside their walls should consider themselves blessed. Clarke knew she did.

What Clarke hadn't expected was for the boy to come crashing into her the minute that her girlfriend released him. He hugged her leg tightly, burrowing his head into her thigh before looking up at her, his brown eyes sparking and a wide grin on his face. It was contagious as she bent down to give him a proper hug.

"Hap Skaif Raun!" He said.

"Hap Skaif Raun!" Lexa responded for the two of them just as Anya appeared with a tall, broad, handsome man beside her. He seemed to tower over Anya, his long brown hair falling to his shoulders. The two were holding hands and each had large smiles plastered across their faces.

"Merry Christmas, Clarke," Anya said, reaching out to give the blonde a hug.

"Hap Skaif Raun," she replied back, hoping that her pronunciation wasn't horrible.

The man laughed and gave her a sparking smile. "Lexa, don't tell me you're trying to convert her into Trikru."

Lexa just shot him a brilliant smile and draped her arms around Clarke's shoulder, the show of affection spreading warmth across Clarke's body. "Better Trikru than Azgeda, I always say." Which resulted in the man laughing. "Niron, this is Anya's husband Roan. Roan, this is Clarke."

"Nice to meet you," he said offering his hand at the same time that Anya smiled wickedly at her sister at the use of the word 'niron'. Lexa had called her that several times since they made up from their fight a few weeks ago. She just assumed that it was a Trigedasleng word for 'babe' or some other type of affectionate endearment.

Clarke reached out and gripped the man's forearm which just caused Roan to shake his head, though he didn't stop smiling. "You are definitely turning her Trikru." And Clarke flushed a little at the comment. The idea of being a part of Lexa's culture thrilled her to no end.

"I want to show Clarke my room!" Aden exclaimed as Clarke felt soft hands tugging anxiously at her wrist, leading her towards a flight of stairs, leaving the other three adults behind. Clarke looked back to see a look of shock on Lexa's face.

"That's twice you've chosen Clarke over me, tree monkey. I'll remember that!" Aden just giggled and flashed his aunt an apologetic smile. "Bring her to my room when you are done!" Lexa's voice almost sounded faded as Clarke found herself being dragged up the second flight of stairs.

\----------

Lexa's heart thumped heavily in her chest and a warmness seemed to envelope her as she watched Aden drag Clarke upstairs, both grinning widely. She had felt something similar as she watched Aden and her girlfriend become friendly over Thanksgiving, and then again as Aden caped himself around Clarke's back as she ran him victoriously around the soccer field after she had managed to displace an orange off her head via a well kicked soccer ball. But both those had been done under her watchful eye. It seemed Aden's fondness for Clarke was growing, no longer needing Lexa around to facilitate their interactions.

It was as if the two were actually becoming friends and she found herself beaming with both pride and joy.

"When you told me your sister was head over heels in love with this girl, I wasn't sure I believed you. I should have never doubted you, houmon."

Lexa rolled her eyes at Roan but she found that she was unable to completely remove the smile from her face which just made her sister's smirk twist into something resembling smugness. "Should I get mother's ring cleaned an polished?" Anya teased and it caused Lexa's heartbeat to quicken.

She hadn't even told Clarke that she loved her yet and Anya was talking about marriage as if it were just the next logical step. Love was already something that Lexa hadn't planned on falling into again. Thinking about marriage and weddings and her mother's ring was the farthest thing from her mind, or at least it had been for a very long time.

Anya must have seen her trepidation on the subject as she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "Hey, Romeo, don't go freaking out on us now. We were just kidding." She paused, "unless you brought her here to ask for our blessing?"

"No," Lexa answered quickly, suddenly feeling warm and a little clammy. And just as quick as she had responded, she now had two duffle bags in her hands. "I'm going to go take these upstairs. I'll join you both in a bit."

She could hear her sister groan behind her and she didn't need to look over her shoulder to know that Roan was holding his wife against his chest. Much like her mother's and Titus' marriage, Anya and Roan were the definition of the perfect couple. That didn't mean that they never fought. Lexa knew that they fought on several occasions about whether or not to raise Aden as an outsider to their heritage or to immerse him in their culture. And whose culture? Azgeda as Roan was? Or Trikru as Anya was? Though Anya had never been one to embrace their people's history the way Lexa had.

No, it was the fact that they seemed to love each other so deeply, unabashedly without shame. Both tribes preached that to love someone without abandon was the worst form of weakness anyone could thrust upon themselves. And yet over the years Lexa had watched the couple closely and their love seemed to not only bond them together into this unstoppable force, but it even made them stronger people individually. They brought out the best parts of each other, made each other better.

And not only that, but they had no qualms about showing their affections for one another. They didn't restrict their displays of affection to their private quarters, as Lexa had done with Costia, as she was now doing with Clarke. Instead they flaunted their happiness, almost as if they were proud of it. In the same way they boasted Aden and his accomplishments.

But Lexa had not been raised the same way that Anya had. Anya was raised fully by the gentle touch of their mother who always promoted following ones heart and focusing ones life on being a good person who strived for a happy life. And Lexa was raised that way to an extent until she had found herself standing in her Grandfather's living room accepting his offer to be trained to lead the way he had been trained to lead a Heda's life. It was an offer never made to Anya. The relationship between the sister she loved and the grandfather she adored and respected had been close to nonexistent. There was enough bad blood that Lexa knew not to bring up their grandfather to her sister, especially during this time of year.

And though Lexa only trained under her grandfather for five years, for less than a quarter of her life, they were during the most fundamental years of her life. And his words forever sat in the back of her mind, whispering as if they were a warning.

 _Love is weakness._ Anya, Roan, her mother, Titus and now Clarke tested that theory in her mind constantly. Her grandfather's voice argued with the voice of her mother in her mind, pleading her daughter to _follow her heart._

 _Never show emotion where an enemy could learn of her secrets and desires and use them to destroy her._ Not only did Lexa keep her heart very close to her chest, but she learned the art of manipulation like an enemy. She became good at reading people's emotions. She focused to see the way they may tense up, the way their eyes darted back and forth, the way their breaths hitched in their throats. It allowed her to easily pick apart a person's weakness for her to use if necessary.

 _If emotions and affection could not be helped, contain them to private affairs. In public always be the Commander, be viewed as the Commander, demand respect._ And this is what made friendships so hard for Lexa. With Octavia and Raven she could be laid back and make jokes with them as they sat across the couch in her living room. But when they teased and prodded her in public she became uneasy.

Her mother had told her begrudgingly after her grandfather had passed away and she saw her daughter becoming more and more like the stoic leader that her father had once been. Her mother would tell her that these rules were no longer necessary, that her people were no longer in the middle of war, that Lexa was not leading warriors into battle. But Lexa knew that a part of her mother had been wrong. She may not be standing within a physical war, but the war inside her head was real. The thrum of drums and battle cries a constant in her mind.

She could never fully be the leader that her grandfather wished for her to become. She would never lead their people. She could also never really be the free spirit that her mother wished for her to be. Her mother had left her commander's life behind in hopes of allowing her children to be free and without obligation so that they could love the people around them without shame or guilt. And for years Lexa fought needlessly, without resolve or comfort to be both. Her grandfather's hard exterior to outsiders, her mother's large heart for those she loved. But being both was becoming more and more impossible to maintain.

And then there was Clarke who was strong and loving and loyal without the guise of obligation. She was the woman that she was because that was the type of person that _she_ wanted to be, not the person someone else wished for her to be. And being around the blonde made Lexa feel unrestricted and boundless. Being around her girlfriend allowed Lexa the ability to believe that she could define her own destiny, formulate her own rules to live by. Clarke elevated herself and in doing so allowed Lexa to see a better future for herself more and more as the days passed.

She loved Clarke. Clarke made her stronger. Clarke made her want to be a better person yet at the same time never once had the blonde asked her to change, to try and be someone that she wasn't. Lexa wasn't some vessel for Clarke to pour her hopes and dreams into the same way she had been for her grandfather and her mother. She never wanted to know another day where she didn't completely belong to Clarke Griffin. And she was tired of pretending that Clarke was just another person when she was so clearly the sun, the moon, the stars.

Lexa stared out of the glass wall of her master bedroom with her arms crossed in front of her chest as she watched flakes of snow melt down the wall, transforming the forest view in hues of distorted angles. She made the decision then and there that she would walk into her coach's office on January second and announce her relationship with Clarke. And from every day there after, she would proudly show her love and affection for the amazing blonde to anyone and everyone.

Many years later, Lexa would argue that the decision she made in this very room, in this very moment, was what changed the course of her life. If she looked at her life and the way she used to think just before this moment and just after it, the difference was that of night and day, of two different lives. And it would be one of the many reasons that she would refuse to ever sell this house, leaving it behind for her children and grandchildren and great grand children to continue to enjoy even long after she was gone.

\----------

"You did all this for me, didn't you?" Clarke nuzzled into Lexa's side on the oversized red couch with a hot cocoa in hand, the fireplace blazing to her right and a large Christmas tree on her left, a small handful of presents sitting beneath it while Anya, Roan, Gustus and Magnolia sat around various couches discussing something to do with an upcoming wedding while the four kids sat on the floor playing Uno.

Lexa's arm was draped around Clarke's shoulders and their legs were tangled together where they brought them up to fold their legs onto the sofa with them. And a warmth sat deep in Clarke's chest and she couldn't tell if it was from the love she had for the girl beside her or if it was the delectable hot chocolate with tiny little marshmallows that Lexa had made just for her.

Aden had explained to Clarke that they had never had a tree in the house and he was going on and on about how he loved the way it made the house smell. Then his eyes had widened as Lexa came into the den carrying a tray of hot chocolate for each of the kids and then one for Clarke. His mouth watered as he took a deep breath of the scent of the warm liquid into his nose stating that he had never had hot chocolate before.

Clarke felt pressure on the top of her head where Lexa planted a soft kiss and the blonde hummed contentedly. "You told me that your favorite Christmas memory was when you would drink hot cocoa by the fire, near the tree while your parents sat on the couch drinking coffee, snuggled up together." She then lifted up her mug of coffee, the same coffee that the other adults were drinking on the other side of the room. "I know that I'm not a substitute for your dad not being here but I was hoping that if we were the ones snuggled up, that it would be as close to the original as I could make it."

Clarke smiled and pressed a soft kiss to the base of Lexa's neck, Lexa's hand holding her shoulder squeezing slightly in reaction. "So the tree, the hot cocoa, the fire, this couch. It's all for me?" The blonde could feel her heart swelling with joy and love. How was it possible to fall deeper and deeper in love with someone each and every day?

She could feel Lexa smiling into her hair. "Well this couch has been here for many years now, but this snuggling is definitely for you." She let out a small laugh, "and maybe a little for me too."

Clarke lifted her head to look into her girlfriend's green eyes. They were sparking with joy. "It's perfect," Clarke whispered as Lexa leaned down to plant the softest of kisses against her lips, electricity coursed through Clarke's veins. She didn't even notice that the room got quiet and that the four adults across from them were watching with small smiles.

"Mom, how long do you have to wait for someone to be your houmon?"

Clarke laughed as Lexa let out a small groan, shooting Aden an exasperated look. Clearly this was an extension to the line of questioning from their Thanksgiving meal, brought on by him watching the closeness of the blonde and his aunt.

"It's different for everyone." Roan answered as he reached out and placed a kiss to the back of his wife's hand. "I dated your mom for two years before I asked her to marry me."

Aden's gaze turned back to the couple on the couch. "Lexa, will you ask Clarke to marry you or will Clarke ask you to marry her?" There was a chorus of laughter coming from the couch along with Gustus' older son who seemed to understand just how uncomfortable Lexa was under the eyes of Aden's questioning gaze.

Clarke expected Lexa to brush off the question, or to say something to distract the boy, to appeal to something else that would make him curious. What she didn't expect was what Lexa said instead, and how it made her heart skip a beat, possibly ten.

"If and when the time is right, tree monkey, I will be the one to ask Clarke."

The room got quiet. Or maybe the room wasn't quiet at all and Clarke was too lost in Lexa's eyes to hear anything else around them besides the strong beat of her erratic heart. She didn't even know if Lexa was in love with her, or if that was something she would ever be able to admit to herself but there the brunette was, staring back at her as if her eyes held a promise. A promise that what she had just said were the truth. A promise that she did not take what she had just said lightly.

Clarke felt like she could cut the tension between them with a knife and instead attempted to cut it with teasing humor. "Big words from someone who doesn't even have a ring." She attempted to give off a smug grin to mask the nerves currently wrecking her body.

But Lexa just lifted an eyebrow and tilted her head. "Who says I don't?"

Clarke swallowed deeply. If her heart was beating fast before, it was beating even faster now. And it killed her that she had no idea whether or not Lexa was joking or if she were being serious. She was honestly waiting for Raven and Octavia to jump out from behind the couch and yell "April Fools!" four months too early. Yet the pair never showed up.

It was Anya who cleared her throat, forcing the two lovers to tear their eyes away from each other. "Maybe we should save the marriage proposals for after you graduate from college." But she held a soft joking smile.

"Maybe after I get engaged I can take Aden out for a camping trip and we will run into bears after I give him horrible camping advise." Aden's eyes sparkled at the idea while everyone else laughed. Everyone except for Anya who rolled her eyes.

"One time!" She just shook her head.

"Well it was five bears that attacked you guys," Gustus said with a grin.

Anya sputtered. "It was three! And the only thing they attacked was our campsite!"

"Not the way Lexa tells it," Magnolia said with a shrug. And Clarke turned to see her girlfriend brimming with pride. The talk of proposals left to sit and fester in the back of their minds.

\----------

"Anya, you guys have a really wonderful home," Clarke was helping to dry the dishes while Magnolia washed and Anya put the items away in drawers and cupboards.

Gustus and Roan had already gone to bed knowing that they would have to be up at an ungodly hour for their hunt. Gustus' boys were beginning to wind down, having brushed their teeth and were in between getting things ready for the morning ahead and lounging around the den. And Lexa had taken Aden up to bed, promising to tell him a story. The brunette had whispered in Clarke's ear promising to return later to kiss the blonde goodnight before she went off to bed.

Anya gave a small laugh and shook her head. "This place belongs to Lexa, actually. Though my sister does seem to let anyone use it whenever they feel the need to ask." Clarke often forgot how Lexa could afford practically anything she had desired. She had never been one to flaunt around her wealth.

Magnolia smiled at that. "We're actually borrowing it the first week of spring. Gustus wants to spend time out in the woods with Ryder to prepare him for his Gonaspiden."

"His what?" Clarke asked, turning to look at the smiling woman beside her as she used the back of her hand to wipe away the sweat on her brow.

"It's an initiation into the warrior tribe of sorts. It's essentially a lone hunt, though you are able to take one warrior with you to offer protection and companionship. But they aren't to help you in any way other than to be there in an emergency setting. As it goes, most watchers do not interact at all with the initiates." Her smile faltered slightly, a look of worry in her eyes. "He is thinking of asking Lexa to be his watcher."

At that Clarke froze. If Magnolia was worried about her eldest son getting hurt on this adventure then surely his father or even Roan would be better protectors than Lexa. Clarke wasn't sure she liked the idea of her girlfriend out in the forest without anyone to watch her. "Wait, does that mean Lexa went through the initiation?"

Anya let out a puff of air and nodded her head, but a thin line was pressed flat on her lips. "Your girlfriend is a bit of a legend, Clarke. And a damn fool if you ask me." She turned to Magnolia. "Maybe he should ask Roan."

Magnolia shook her head, exasperated, almost as if the suggestion had been made many times over. "Roan brought home a buck for his initiation to Azgeda which is a very mighty kill. Gustus brought home a small wolf. And yet neither of those compare to the large mountain lion that your sister dragged back with the animal's blood coated on her face like some fierce warrior and without a watcher no less."

"What?" Clarke asked, wide eyed, nearly dropping the plate that was in her hands. Surely the two women weren't serious. There was no way that Lexa, _her Lexa_ , wandered into the forest and killed a mountain lion by herself. But the scowl on Anya's face told her that she wasn't lying and that she most definitely wasn't embellishing the truth.

"It was just before Aden was born, a few months after the accident. Costia had talked her out of the initiation months before that saying that she didn't owe anyone anything, that she was Trikru despite our people's archaic ways. But after she lost them-" Anya turned her face away from them and Clarke could see the muscles in her back tense.  "She just kept saying that she owed it to our Grandfather to be the warrior he raised her to be. She left in the dead of night so she could slip Roan's watch."

Magnolia shook her head. "It wasn't like anything I have ever seen in my days. We were all gathered around the community fire waiting for her return, when she strolled in, in the thick black coat of night. The fire danced wickedly in her eyes and five red lines ran across her face as if she had taken her blood soaked hands and ran them from the corner of her forehead to the other side of her face diagonally down to her chin. She told me later that she had made a stretcher to carry the lion with her but as soon as she made it to the edge of the clearing, she draped the beast over her shoulders and brought it to us, lifting it overhead and dropping it to her feet.  All eyes were frozen on her. To this day people say she carried the beast the entire three day walk back from where she killed it."

"And how exactly did she kill it?" Clarke asked, still not fully believing the story the women told. It was clear that there was still a side of her girlfriend that Clarke had yet to know. She had seen Lexa's glare that made people cower away from her. She had seen the way she held her ground unflinching as soccer players attempted to barrel into her just to take the foul. But those were supposed to be the most frightening things about her. Not this.

"She wouldn't tell anyone. My guess is with an arrow to the throat, but the way she slit the flesh, you couldn't tell for certain. The amount of people that believe she fought it with her bare hands is beyond ridiculous," Anya spat.

It was at that point that Anya turned and Clarke could feel her eyes boring straight into her. "I meant what I said on Thanksgiving Clarke. Losing Costia drove her to do very stupid things and I don't think she felt even half for her that she does for you." Clarke's heart thumped in her chest wildly. That couldn't possibly be true could it? Her and Costia had been together so long and she had only known Lexa for a little less than half a year.

"If you hurt her, Clarke. You will have me to answer to."

Clarke gulped. "I thought you said you were only going to mention that once."

Anya folded her hands over her chest and she seemed to tower over the blonde in that moment, much like a protective mother. "That was before my sister began making offhanded comments about our mother's wedding ring." And there is was again, the mention of marriage and commitment. It made Clarke feel uneasy. It also filled her with yearning. To say she was thoroughly confused was the understatement of the century.

"Leave her be, Anya. Lexa is a strong woman. She can take care of herself." Clarke relaxed slightly under the Magnolia's warm hand which came to rest on her shoulder. "I must admit. I haven't seen Lexa this relaxed and happy in a long time. Have you?"

At that Anya uncrossed her arms and visibly relaxed her stature, looking slightly defeated. "I am happy she met you, Clarke," she finally admitted though she was rubbing the back of her neck with her hand. It was a trait that Clarke noticed the sisters shared. Lexa often made the same motion when she was uncomfortable about something. "It's been a long time since I've seen my sister. I mean really seen her. And I have you to thank for that."

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat. "Surely you don't think that I'm the cause of that."

Anya snorted at the same time Magnolia laughed causing Clarke's cheeks to turn bright red. "Of course you are, blondie. I've known my sister all her life and when she's around you she is the person she used to be before all this shit happened.". She paused to place their coffee mugs in the cupboard atop the coffee maker. "And besides that, Lexa practically told me so at Thanksgiving."

"I told you what?" Clarke could almost feel relief flooding through her veins at the voice that fluttered behind her just before two strong arms wrapped themselves around her waist, pulling her back flush against Lexa's chest. It didn't matter what was going on around her. The second she was being held in Lexa's arms, her problems felt smaller and much easier to manage. It felt like coming home.

"That you cared for Clarke very much." Anya answered, not fully revealing the sentiment of the topic that they had been discussing before Lexa had entered the room.

"Mmmm," Lexa hummed before Clarke felt her lips lay softly at the base of her neck making her body hum at the same vibration that her girlfriend had just murmured a moment before. "If Clarke is seeking you out for that knowledge I haven't been doing a very good job telling her that I care about her." Clarke could hear the laughter in her tone.

"You'll have to work on that, babe." Clarke teased, eager to leave the discussion they were having just a moment ago.

Another soft kiss on Clarke's neck was followed by a murmuring against her skin. "I care for you very much, niron." Clarke closed her eyes to savor the feeling washing through her, unable to see the way the older woman's eyebrows shot up at the Trigedasleng term of endearment.

It's impossible to hear a person roll their eyes but Clarke could have sworn she heard it coming from Anya's direction. It sounded like annoyance filled with feigned disgust. "Well Lex, since you're here maybe you can help us finish the dishes."

"I'm hunting tomorrow. I can't afford for my hands to get pruned from all those dish suds." At that Anya let out a bark of laughter.

"As if you weren't planning on getting them wet later," she shot back, a teasing glint in her eyes.

Clarke could feel the blush rising to her cheeks at the same time she could feel Lexa's lips lifting into a smile against her shoulder. "Who said anything about using fingers?" Lexa quipped back and Clarke softly drove an elbow into her girlfriend's side who managed to sidestep the motion while maintaining her hold of the blonde. Clarke swore her cheeks were on fire.

"The two of you need to remember that there are children in this household, one of which is a teenage boy who should not be thinking of his aunts that way!" Magnolia had her arms crossed in front of her chest, suds dripping off her fingertips as she glared at the women in front of her. But as Anya started to laugh Magnolia cut her off. "By 'the two of you' I meant you and Lexa, Anya. Don't think I don't remember hearing you and Roan in the throes of passion last year after he brought home that boar for dinner."

It was Anya's turn to look down, embarrassed, as a redness tinged her cheeks. "You weren't the only one that heard them," Lexa teased, sticking her tongue out childishly at her sister who returned the gesture.

"Alexa, shouldn't you be in bed? You have an early morning tomorrow," Magnolia chided. It was becoming very clear that Magnolia had stepped in to take on the motherly role over the two sisters but neither girl seemed upset by it. Rather they both looked at the woman fondly, accepting the surrogate mother that they probably needed after their mother had passed away.

"But I don't want to go to bed, I'm too comfortable to move." And as if to make her point Lexa held Clarke even closer and the blonde couldn't help the smile that fell on her face as she felt Lexa snuggle her head back and forth as if trying to get herself further into her girlfriend's shoulder.

"There is such a thing as too sweet, Lex."

"Ahn, your husband literally said two hours ago that he didn't want hot chocolate because 'you were the only sweet thing he craved'. You do not get to lecture me about being too sweet. You're just jealous because you two are no longer the cutest couple in the house."

Anya made a gasp and Clarke laughed as she gripped at her chest as if her sister had just stabbed her in the heart. "You really think you and Clarke are a cuter couple than Roan and me?" She asked it with such flippancy as if there was no way it could be true.

"Well I was going to say that Gustus and Mags have always been the cutest couple." Clarke and Magnolia shared small grins though the older woman also rolled her eyes, "but yeah, I'm pretty sure Clarke and I could take you and Roan any day of the week."

"Clarke, the smart move would be to take your girlfriend away from Anya before they make a bet that you somehow get roped into." Clarke nodded quickly.

"Goodnight, Magnolia. Goodnight, Anya. We'll see you two in the morning."

"Running scared, blondie?" Anya quipped as Clarke was dragging Lexa out of the kitchen, a small pout on her face.

"Sounds like someone is just jealous because their warrior is passed out at the moment," Clarke responded. At that Lexa laughed.

As they walked out of the kitchen she could hear Magnolia say "You know, I really like her."

When they got to Lexa's room Clarke quickly jumped into the bathroom to change into flannel pajama bottoms and a white tank top despite Lexa's protests. "Lex, your family is downstairs and Aden is down the hall. We are not having sex tonight."

Lexa pouted as she sat against the edge of the bed, her arms straight out behind her on the bed, clearly displeased. By the time Clarke emerged from the bathroom, she was also wearing flannel pajamas but wore just a sports bra as a top. The moonlight from the window seemed to highlight the contours of her abs. Clarke immediately had a need to run her tongue across them. "You got to drink something sweet earlier. It's only fair that I get my turn." Lexa pouted but her eyes were filled with want.

It was hard not to envision Lexa's head between her thighs or the way her tongue would circle and flip and rub against her sensitive areas, two fingers plunging deep inside of her. And as a reflex she clenched her thighs together to curb the desire settling between her legs. She looked up to see Lexa smirking, clearly reading the desire sitting behind her blue eyes.

"Beja, niron? Just one small little taste?"

Clarke laughed, though it sounded nervous behind all the emotion she was trying to maintain. "You want to start me up and then not finish me off, Lex?"

Her girlfriend smiled deviously. "What I want is to spend hours between your legs worshiping you, Clarke. You just need to say 'yes'."

A shiver went down Clarke's spine at the thought. "No."

"No?" Lexa asked incredulously.

"Lex, your door has no lock. What if Aden came in and caught us?"

Lexa frowned and let out a small sigh. Then she looked thoughtful. "The bathroom has a lock."

Clarke groaned but she couldn't keep the smile off her face. "You're insatiable!"

"Is that a 'no'?" Lexa asked.

"No," Clarke said, slowly backing her way towards the bathroom.

Lexa was on her feet the moment she had let the single syllable letter fall from her lips. "Well then is it a 'yes'?"

"Maybe," Clarke said with a smile, not looking away from her girlfriend who was sauntering forward like a predator stalking its prey.

Lexa gave her a teasing grin. "What do I need to do to turn that into a 'yes'?

Clarke laughed, deciding to tease the brunette a little more. "I don't know why you're following me, babe. I'm only headed in here to take a shower."

"Let me help you with that. The knobs are a little tricky and I'm pretty good with knobs."

An hour or so later Clarke was laying in bed with a large grin on her face, hair wet, beneath a passed out brunette with a head buried into her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed it. Some of you may have noticed the little foreshadowing at the end of Lexa's point of view which should make all of you very happy - at least happy enough to know that Lexa lives long enough in this story to spent time with her great grandchildren in this very cabin. And then the talk of weddings?! So much going on with this chapter. Was it long enough for you?
> 
> Again, I want to apologize that updates have been a little slow as of late. Work has just been really hectic and I haven't had much time for anything else so when I was offered soccer tickets I had to take them, even if it's a three hour plane trip away. 
> 
> You guys really are the best and I love hearing from all of you. I think I may finally know what Clexa are getting each other for Christmas! I'm excited to share with you.


	35. A Light Passed Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 34 Recap:  
> It was Christmas Eve and Lexa and Clarke arrived at Lexa's cabin to celebrate the Trikru winter holiday with Aden, Anya, Roan and all of Gustus' family. 
> 
> \---
> 
> So it has been awhile since I last posted, though it has only been a week. That's still a long time considering how often I normally post. I wasn't planning on posting this one so soon but I had some downtime in the hotel this evening after, sadly, watching the USA fall to Argentina. I'm a bit bummed out but I decided to try and finish up this chapter. Fair warning, it's a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions.
> 
> Also, I want to thank everyone who helped come up with Christmas gift ideas for this chapter. This one is for you!

It was most definitely the loss of warmth that had pulled Clarke away from her heavenly slumber at this ungodly hour. Despite the blankets that had, likely recently, been pulled over her she felt a cold chill lick across her arms and legs, nipping at the thin fabric of her shirt. She had to train her body to be comfortable in sleep against the human space heater that was Lexa Woods. But now without it, the air around her just felt cold.

"Come back to bed," she groaned. She wasn't even sure if Lexa was still there but she made the request anyway. She was rewarded with a small laugh.

"Go back to bed, Clarke." The voice itself pulled her even further out of her slumber as she opened an eye towards the source of its melody. Lexa was sitting on the chair across the room in a tight, black long sleeve t-shirt with three buttons climbing up the neckline and dark green cargo pants that seemed to hang loose around the legs. She was currently working up the laces on her untied black boot. Her hair looked as if it had been haphazardly thrown into a messy bun. Something about the care free nature of it made Clarke want to smile. And yet she didn't. She made the decision to go with a pout.

"It's so cold without you here," Clarke complained and a flash of amusement passed across Lexa's face.

"I covered you in like three layers of blankets. There is no way that you are at all cold right now."

Clarke rolled her eyes but there was no way Lexa could see it from the position she was sitting in. Instead her lids drooped back downwards, closing, clearly demanding more sleep. "Will you just come over here and kiss me, Lex."

No sound followed the request. The air in the room sat stagnant and undisturbed to the point where Clarke began to believe that her girlfriend had slipped out the room. Then Clarke felt the bed sink down and she nearly jolted upright. "How the fuck did you get over here so quietly?" Her heart was pounding in her chest, threatening to tear a hole into her rib cage.

Lexa's laugh filled the space just loud enough to hear it over the thunderous beating in her ears. "I just spent the last half hour preparing myself for the hunt. How would I be able to provide for you if I'm loudly stumbling around the forest scaring all of the food away?" Clarke's heart continued its demonstrative pace at the thought of Lexa wanting to 'provide' for her.

"Well next time warn a girl! You scared me half to death."

"I'm sorry," Lexa supplied and a second later Clarke could feel a soft pressure against her lips, a chaste kiss meant to signal an apology, a good morning. It was over just as quickly as it had begun and it left the blonde feeling unsatisfied so she reached out and grabbed at the back of Lexa's head to bring her in for a proper kiss, relishing in the minty flavor of her lips.

Lexa moaned into her mouth, allowing herself to fall passionately into the gesture, her hands now holding either side of Clarke's face. "Stay," Clarke whispered the second Lexa pulled herself away, running a lone finger down Lexa's shirt almost feeling Lexa's abs clench against her touch.

"Trust me. There's nowhere that I want to be more than in bed with you right now." Her voice was husk and spoke of desired intention but she made no move to place her mouth against her girlfriend's body.

"Then stay," Clarke insisted again, learning up to plant a soft kiss against Lexa's neck. She could feel the vibration against her lips as Lexa moaned against her touch. She let the blonde kiss her for another minute before she groaned.

"If this wasn't Aden's first hunt I would skip it and stay with you." Lexa's voice was pleading as if begging for Clarke to allow her to go as if the blonde was anchoring her here; the brunette unable to leave. Clarke fell back to the bed in defeat. As much as she wanted Lexa here, she knew she had to let her leave. She would never pull her girlfriend away from sharing in something so important to her nephew or her family. She just wished the brunette could be in two places at once this morning.

"Have a good hunt," was the best she could offer, masking her feeling of missing the girl already with a forced enthusiasm which just made Lexa laugh.

Her girlfriend's fingers softly brushed away some stray locks of hair that fell onto her face and she could feel soft lips press against her forehead as she hummed contently against them. "Merry Christmas, niron. I promise I will return to you as soon as I can. Go back to sleep." And her body listened as if that request were a command. The darkness enveloped her whole.

Another four hours passed until Clarke awoke, still drenched in darkness, the spot beside her in bed cold and empty. Her mouth felt dry and her eyelids heavy as she turned to find that Lexa has closed a wall length blind to keep out the morning sun. She would have smiled at the considerate gesture if she didn't feel so suddenly alone.

She laid in bed thinking of her father. It was becoming a little harder to picture his face, the image of him blurring around the edges. She could remember the way the creases at the edge of his eyes deepened when he smiled brightly and the way his smile would be lopsided, favoring the left. But it became harder to see. She could remember the way his laughter used to rumble, pulling deeply from the well within his chest but it was becoming harder to hear. She could remember the smell of his aftershave, how it smelled of a cross between baby powder and spring time but it was becoming harder trick her mind into smelling it.

She felt as if she were forgetting the man that meant more to her than any other man ever would and she felt guilty for it. What's worse was that she felt guilty for feeling guilty. Her father would have wanted her to be happy. He would have wanted her to move on and remember him fondly, not allowing her grief to swallow her whole the way it had the months after his death. And now that she finally felt all of the things he would have hoped for her, she felt guilt. How could she be okay being happy without him here?

This was her first Christmas without her father. Being next to Lexa, laying in her arms the night before, gentle kisses from this morning, made it much easier to bear. But being alone in this dark room seemed to suck out whatever feeling of being full existed within her. There would be no more jokes about Santa's reindeer preferring chocolate over carrots, or how Santa would much rather prefer spiked egg nog over milk. There would be no more gentle giant hoisting her over his shoulder and dragging her outside into the snow. There would be no more Christmas stories at the end of the night about her father's cousin Mark who sounded much more like a character out of a National Lampoon movie rather than an actual existing relative.

She could feel the tears on her cheeks before the realized that she was crying. She could hear the sob before she realized it had escaped her mouth. All her movements were registering slowly as if she had absolutely no control of her body or of her thoughts. She felt herself becoming consumed by loss and her guilt was inviting her to drown in it. Clarke grabbed onto Lexa's pillow and hugged it close to her face, allowing herself to heavily breathe in her girlfriend's scent, the only source of comfort she could find.

She didn't know how long she laid there with her nose pressed against the soft white fabric, tears coating her cheeks. In the back of her mind she knew that she should get up, that she should go downstairs and attempt to interact with her girlfriend's family but she just couldn't bring herself to unravel herself from the bedsheets.

Clarke's heart jumped when she heard the bedroom door open and turned to find the brunette there grinning from ear to ear, a streak of dirt running across her cheek, the fine hairs that normally framed her face now stuck to her forehead. Lexa looked proud with her chest extended and chin raised regally. But all these emotions fell away the moment her eyes washed over the blonde lying in her bed.

\----------

Aden was grinning from ear to ear, looking at his father who had a sack thrust over his shoulder, containing a turkey that the boy had managed to hunt down. Though Lexa knew that the term 'hunt' was a bit generous. The kill had actually belonged to Roan who took the shot after Aden's arrow missed but the boy seemed content anyway as if he had been the one whose shot had landed.

Lexa had always had mixed feelings about hunting in general. She didn't much enjoy killing animals nor did she get much joy in reciting thanks to the creature's spirit after the life left their eyes. But there was something so primal about the activity that made her feel closer to her grandfather who had spent months teaching her to work a bow and arrow before their first Skaif Raun hunt and then teaching her the crossbow for months after.

Her grandfather's crossbow was draped against her back, the strap slung across her chest, over her left shoulder and beneath her right arm. She knew she should have spent more time restringing the instrument last night but after she had put Aden to bed she wanted to rush back down to Clarke's side. It was the first time since learning how to use the weapon that she rushed its preparation.

She normally found the activity soothing, bringing her much needed peace. The voices in her head that normally told her all the things she needed to do, all the things she should be doing, questioning all the decisions she had made always became quiet and still when she carefully and slowly redid the strings, testing its strength and rigidity over and over once completed. But last night the quiet did not come, nor did those voices. All she heard, all she wanted, all she could feel was Clarke, Clarke, Clarke.

It was the same thing she was feeling now as she pushed the group's pace a little faster than normal as all of the boys behind her were talking and laughing, reliving hunting stories of their pasts. She could feel Ryder's eyes on her back, she could almost hear him silently pleading for her to finally share with them the hunting story she never shared with anyone before. She knew it confused them all as to why she never spoke of it. It was always a warrior's way to brag about the kills they had made, relishing in the proof of their skill and resolve. But it wasn't a story she was eager to share. She was almost ashamed about the person she had been back then. Disgusted about how she didn't much care about her own well being.

It wasn't that she wanted her life to end. She wasn't suicidal. But she also didn't have an overwhelming desire to live. And life at that time hadn't been about much more than survival. It was pride and hubris that made her seek out the lion's den, her desire to prove that she was more capable of surviving than anyone else. And if she wasn't capable, if she didn't survive? Well at that point she didn't really feel or think much about that at all. If she didn't survive, then she didn't survive. It was a statement made in her head much in the same way someone would say 'oh well' right before moving on to a different task. It was only when she almost met death that she cared, that she regretted what she had done, how she had felt.

So bragging about that kill seemed insincere. For Lexa it wasn't a great victory but rather a defeat. So she spoke very little of the events that unfolded that day, though years later she began questioning that decision. The stories people made up in the absence of facts made her feel even more guilty. And yet a part of her enjoyed them. Maybe that is what she had wanted. After all, she did make a rather large spectacle of thrusting the cat theatrically at the elders' feet.

Most of the stories she heard were outlandish. She killed the mountain lion with her bare hands. She carried the large kill on her shoulders for days. She killed an entire pride and brought back the most difficult one to kill. Then came the stories about how large the lion was, most people nearly doubling the size of the actual beast in the stories they told. She knew if her grandfather had been alive to hear them, he would be brimming with pride. It was the one reason why she never corrected anyone when she heard them tell it.

When they returned to the house Lexa took the porch steps, two at a time, escaping the silent pleas of Gustus' oldest son. She knew that he was only months away from his Gonaspiden and she wondered why he had yet to ask Roan to be his watcher. But she didn't ask the boy in fear that it would allow him the permission he needed to ask her about her Gonaspiden and she didn't want to turn down the boy's request to tell him about the mountain lion yet again.

"Where's Clarke?" She found herself asking as she walked into the kitchen to find Anya and Mags sitting, preparing potatoes.

"I haven't seen her all morning," the older woman replied while Anya just shrugged her shoulders indicating that she hadn't the slightest idea.

Perhaps she had worn out the blonde more than she had realized the night before. It had been just over five hours since she had left the sleeping woman in her bed to join the men in the hunt. Surely she should be close to waking up by now.

Lexa rushed to her room, eager to tell Clarke about Aden's successful hunt and eager to again breathe in the same air that she did. But what she found in her bed made her heart fall deep into her stomach and a feeling of regret washed over her.

It was a tangle of white sheets and blonde hair, illuminated even more when Lexa flipped a switch lifting the blinds in the room. She could see salt trails down Clarke's cheeks where she had been crying, her eyes red with swollen lids, a pillow hugged tightly to the front of her chest. She looked lost, a feeling that Lexa had known all too well.

She was at the edge of the bed just as quickly as Clarke was now in a standing position, throwing her body forward. Lexa caught her with steady hands, though the impact of the movement seemed to beat the air out of Lexa's chest as she pulled Clarke into the tightest hug she could provide her without causing discomfort.

Lexa had been expecting another onslaught of tears but they never resurfaced. Instead the two hugged in silence, the morning sun washing over them, adding heat to the cold air. She could feel arms around her squeezing, she could hear Clarke intaking deep breaths from the crook of her neck.

"I shouldn't have left this morning," Lexa offered as an apology. The blonde had seemed okay the night before, she even seemed fine in the morning, her request for the brunette to say sounded more sexually explicit than needy. But Lexa still knew that this was her first Christmas without her father and that alone should have been enough to convince Lexa to stay.

But Clarke shook her head against Lexa's chest. "I feel like I'm forgetting him, Lex. When I woke up this morning it was you that I thought about, sad that you weren't in bed beside me while you got ready. I didn't even think about him once. Not until I woke up that second time. And all I could think was that I no longer remembered the sound of his laughter." Her voice trailed off, littered with sadness and guilt and it tore at Lexa's chest.

Lexa didn't know what to say to comfort the blonde and what knowledge she had to offer was likely not very comforting. The dead are gone and the living are hungry. She found herself wondering what her mother would say, what Costia would have said.

"Your father will always be a part of you, Clarke." She took a long breath, steadying her words. "Our parents, in having us, survived their deaths in another way by passing on a light. A light that they received from their parents, that their parents received from theirs in a circle that goes on for as long as the generations can extend it. And when you have kids, you will pass on that light to them, a piece of yourself, a piece of your father, always existing beyond you.

"And while we are not our parents, we will always have a piece of them within us that we carry even without them being here with us physically." Lexa thought about her mother, of Costia, of Titus. "Not being able to remember the shade of their eyes, the way they had to lather their bald heads in sun screen each summer, or the way they ran their hands through their hair as they laughed doesn't mean that we stopped loving them. Them not consuming our thoughts does not mean that we no longer care."

Lexa could remember a time when the three people she had lost haunted her mind continuously, consuming her thoughts without any sense or relief. What she couldn't remember was the transition between that and going hours without thinking about them. It likely occurred around the same time that she was able to think of their lives fondly again without being overwhelmed by guilt. Thought it wasn't until Clarke that her guilt of what happened finally dulled from a burning fire within her to a small ache that she had to concentrate on to actually feel. And maybe that is what her girlfriend needed to hear.

"We honor those we have lost by learning how to remember them without being consumed by sorrow. We laugh about jokes that they used to tell, we share stories that they passed down to us, we follow traditions that were important to them. And we talk about them to the people we care about so that they can continue to exist beyond us. We keep them alive."

She could feel Clarke nodding into the crook of her neck, her breath beginning to even out. "I love hearing stories about your mom and Costia and Titus," she breathed and Lexa let out a small sigh.

"For so long, I didn't talk about them. But then I met you, Clarke, and I wanted to share everything I am with you. And that meant sharing those that I've loved because they are just as much a part of me as I am myself. And I have to thank you, for that. Being with you has allowed me to bring them back to life. And that's why I-"

The last two words caught in her throat. Despite the power of the confessions that she had just made, she didn't want to tell Clarke that she loved her for the first time so soon after tears had spilled from her eyes in sorrow. She didn't want the memory of those words to be tainted by anything other than joy. "That's why you're you. And there is no one that I would rather be with."

She could feel the loss of warmth as Clarke pushed back, blue eyes now searching hers as if attempting to decipher what it was she had stopped herself from saying. She opened her mouth as if to respond but shut it slowly before craning up to kiss Lexa.

The kiss was slow but seemed to hold in it every good intention that neither girl could bring themselves to mutter. It told a story of the lives that they had lived and for the hopes of the lives that they wanted to live together. It exploded with unsaid words and danced with hope filled dreams. In this moment together they felt eternal, as if the love shared between them would last forever. And maybe it would. Maybe Lexa was right and this would be the light that they passed on to their children. It was a hope that Lexa had as she pulled away from their kiss.

It was the small smile on Clarke's face when she pulled away that filled her heart yet again. "You could probably use a shower, Lex." And that is what pulled Lexa's grin into a toothy smile.

"That, my dear, is the smell of victory." But she didn't complain as Clarke took her hand and pulled the both of them towards the shower.

\----------

"I swear to all that is holy that I'm going to get you back for this, Ahn!" Clarke shared a small smile with her girlfriend over Anya's throaty laugh before returning her eyes to the pictures that Anya had produced after stating unconvincingly that she had just happened upon them the other day.

It was a picture of a seven year old Lexa with bright green eyes and untamable wavy locks with chocolate ice cream smeared all over her face, dripping onto a yellow Sponge Bob t-shirt. It was clearly a candid shot as Lexa's nose was scrunched up, her mouth forming the shape of an 'o' as if confused deeply by something.

It was the twentieth picture within the little booklet of photos that Anya had seemed to put together for just this occasion. The pictures ranged from baby Lexa butt naked on a bear rug, to Lexa's ten year old face with a look of terrified horror from one of those roller coaster pictures taken at a theme park, to her crying next to a toppled over bike.

Magnolia seemed to 'ooh' and 'aww' over each revealed photo while Lexa seemed to get more and more annoyed. Aden was sitting on Clarke's lap, turning over each page of the photo album that Clarke held in her hands, commenting on each photo for the blonde. It was clear that he had gone over these photos with his mother in great detail before they had gotten here for the holidays.

"This is my favorite one, Clarke!" Aden pointed to a picture of a six year old Lexa screaming, a look of horror in her eyes as she stared at a man in a mouse costume carrying a cake and pizza. Lexa had a pointed cone hat on her head. "It was Lexa's birthday. I was sad that I wasn't invited but mom says that I wasn't born yet."

"Mom was so mad at me for punching that poor teenager that was probably sweating in that God awful rodent suit," Lexa sighed while taking a sip of the spiked eggnog from her glass. Clarke had to smile to herself. Spiked eggnog was another thing that Lexa had made sure to make for the sole purpose of reminding Clarke of Christmases from her past. The brunette had tried it with a surprised look of pleasure on her face. She had never had it before and was surprised to find that she actually enjoyed the weird colored liquid.

Anya laughed, though her eyes held a bit of trepidation as she regarded her sister openly talking about her mother. "I remember you thought she was going to get you good so you hid in the ball pit the rest of the evening, forgoing cake and presents even!"

Lexa just smiled and shook her head, her eyes glazing slightly as if she were no longer in the room but back sixteen years into the past. "I miss Mom's cakes. If I'd known that I wouldn't be able to eat them for the rest of my life I would have never skipped that opportunity."

Clarke glanced at Anya who was biting her lip and studying her younger sister, waiting for the mood change that never came. And when Lexa's smile didn't falter, Clarke watched as Anya turned to her with almost tears in her eyes as she nodded appreciatively towards the blonde and Clarke felt a knot well in her throat. This was the change in Lexa that Anya had mentioned the night before.

"You know, your mother once lent me her recipe. Maybe I could make it for your birthday this summer, Lexa." Both sisters turned and flashed bright smiles at the older woman.

"Mags, if you can make a cake that tastes anything like my mother's, I will open you up your own bakery!" Lexa exclaimed.

Gustus laughed. "Houmon, you may have just created a monstrous undertaking. May I suggest losing that recipe quickly?"

"How about you lose your tongue, bro!" It was Anya who made the threat, glaring at Gustus menacingly though she had a smirk across her lips.

Lexa laughed. "You don't get between my sister and our mother's cake," Lexa explained to Clarke. Then she looked at Gustus, "Don't tell me you've forgotten about the Spork Incident of '92."

"The Spork Incident of '92?" Clarke asked in amusement. Lexa hadn't even been born yet.

Gustus sighed. "It was Anya's fourth birthday and I pretended to steal a piece of her cake. Anya stabbed me in the hand with a plastic Spork." He then held up his hand and pointed to a small three pronged scar on the back of his right hand.

Anya huffed and Clarke laughed. "What is with the two of you and dessert?"

Both sisters just shrugged and looked at one another and then back at Clarke with expressions that said that neither of them found their actions anything beyond normal. "I'm just waiting for Aden to take his own stand one day soon."

Aden smiled wickedly at his aunt while Anya gave the two of them a concerned look. Clarke just watched the interactions with amusement as she handed the photo album back to Anya to sit beside Lexa on the red couch. This morning felt almost as if it had been weeks ago instead of just hours.

Her and Lexa had taken a quick shower together, not doing anything more than helping each other bathe before getting ready and heading downstairs to help prepare dinner. Dinner had been delicious and everyone watched as Aden ate more turkey than his little body could handle, clearly pleased with himself after this morning's hunting activity.

"You were a cute kid," Clarke hummed as she placed a small kiss against her girlfriend's cheek, feeling the girl smile as her cheeks bunched upwards at the action.

"And an absolute terror," Anya finished but Lexa ignored her.

"So I brought presents for the kids this year..." And as if they had all been waiting for this moment, all the kids in the room pounced on the wrapped gifts with their names on them beneath the tree. For Thomas, the youngest boy, Lexa got him an art set that even Clarke felt a little envious of. Lexa had joked with her that the youngest boy was definitely much more a lover than a fighter.

For Gustus' middle son, James, Lexa bought a very nice remote control car which he immediately began to pull out of the box, determined to test out the toy on the exquisite wood floors of the house which Magnolia protested at but Lexa laughed and told her to let the boy have his fun.

Aden opened his gift with a look of awe as he pulled out an adult sized TonDC soccer jersey of his favorite player signed by no other than said player. The boy looked a little star stuck as he then pulled out a soccer ball signed by the entire team, which also made Clarke envious. And he quickly hugged his aunt and ran over to his father to brag. Roan played the part of jealous a little too well to the point where Clarke wondered if the man was just as envious as she was.

But it was Ryder who looked as if he walked away with the present of the night, looking as if he were holding back tears. The boy opened the box and his jaw dropped as he tenderly reached into the box and pulled out a matte black crossbow. The looks on his parents' faces looked as if they had also been surprised by the gift.

"A gona should always have his own weapon. I expect you to take care of it and to only use it respectfully and with purpose." Lexa's tone was regal, like a wise teacher imparting priceless knowledge to a student. The words themselves demanded to be listened to, followed.

"This is too much, Lexa," Magnolia offered but Lexa shook her head.

She turned to Ryder again. "I carry my grandfather's crossbow in his honor but if he were alive I would carry my own. And now you no longer have to use one of your father's."

"Thank you, Lexa!" Was all the boy said as he pulled the brunette into his arms for a hug. Clarke hadn't noticed before that the pair were exactly the same height. One day Ryder would tower over the woman he so clearly looked up to. And Clarke wondered if Lexa knew the extent in which she was revered by those that loved her.

A small clearing of the throat captured everyone's attention as Aden held up two gifts of the same size and handed one to his aunt and the other to Clarke. Clarke looked down at the wrapping a little confused. She knew that adults didn't receive gifts from each other, especially not from children. "Merry Christmas, Clarke" Anya said with a soft smile that pulled at Clarke's chest as Lexa sat back down beside her.

Both girls had the exact same present. The frame itself was made of Popsicle sticks and bright colored dots and painted macaroni. It was clear that Aden had himself a field day with his own art supplies. But it was the picture in the frame that made Clarke's heart melt. The picture was of Lexa and Clarke on the soccer field embracing after Clarke had scored a goal at the first game Aden had gone to, before the pair had gotten together. Lexa, bright yellow captain's band caught her eye on the arm where their forearms gripped, but it was the sheer look of happiness on both of their grinning faces with their foreheads pressed together that made Clarke inhale a breath.

She saw the look of joy on Lexa's face every time they embraced on the soccer field but the happiness she saw there she had always chalked up to her own exuberance and enthusiasm. But the look on Lexa's face in this picture made Clarke's heart flutter. She could have sworn that earlier in the day Lexa had tried to tell Clarke that she loved her but stopped. But the look on her face in this pictures said it much louder than Lexa's voice ever could. And Lexa's face wasn't the only one. How long had she been in love with Lexa and not actually known it?

Clarke stood up to give Anya a hug as Lexa already had Aden wrapped up in her arms, looking as if she didn't ever want to let the boy go. "Take care of my sister," Anya whispered into Clarke's ear and Clarke couldn't stop herself from nodding.

"I promise," she said firmly before kneeling down to hug Aden who was still trying to escape Lexa's grip and in turn ended up hugging her as well. There were 'oohs' and 'awws' at the group hug before others joined in making Aden squirm even more.

"Let go or I'm not giving you anymore presents ever again!" He exclaimed, making everyone laugh but his threat seemed to result in its desired purpose as everyone began to let go.

It was then that Clarke inhaled a deep breath and handed Lexa the rather large present that she had wrapped the morning before. Lexa looked at her with a bright smile as she held up the object in front of her as is studying it and Clarke could feel her nerves thicken. It wasn't a store bought present but rather something she had spent nearly two weeks working on and the idea of sharing it with someone, let alone a room of people made her bite her lip in apprehension.

"You really didn't have to get me anything, Clarke." But Lexa's smile grew before she began to carefully tear away the paper. As she looked at the open gift, the smile dropped from her face and was replaced by a look of perplexed awe and Clarke began to twist at her fingers.

It had been so long since she had drawn something she intended to keep and she wasn't sure that the picture she had drawn on the poster sized canvas was worthy of giving away. She had spent hours upon hours of tracing out the idea in her head and then painting it in hues of blacks and whites and grays.

It was a scene reminiscent of the make believe fantasy had at Thanksgiving. Lexa was sitting on a log across from Aden, a fire sitting between the two in a dark forest. Lexa was wearing a jacket that draped long in the back as if it would hit the floor when she stood, a bright red sash on her back, the only color on the painting. Aden sat across from her in a tunic type shirt and soft pants. The boy in the picture was looking intently at the woman talking animatedly with war paint across her eyes, mimicking the exact style Aden had drawn on Lexa that afternoon. And above the fire, smoke billowed, dancing up into the night sky matching the intricate pattern that matched Lexa's back tattoo.

The room was silent as everyone stood up to look at what made tears well up in the brunette's eyes which added to the blonde's anxiety as she waited to hear a verdict from her girlfriend. She didn't look away from the green eyes staring deeply into the painting though in her periphery she could see Lexa's finger's tracing over brush strokes.

"Is that me?" Aden gasped, a look of wonder crossing his face.

At the same time Lexa finally spoke. "Is this from the night of Thanksgiving?"

"It sure is," Clarke answered as she cleared her throat, answering both questions simultaneously.

Clarke watched as Lexa slowly handed off the painting for her sister to hold while Aden moved over to keep looking at the picture. Not even a moment later Clarke felt strong arms wrap around her back and it finally allowed Clarke to breathe a sigh of relief. "I hope you like it," was all she could think to say.

"Like it?" Lexa asked with a small laugh. "Clarke, it's absolutely amazing! Why haven't you ever shown me your drawings before?"

Clarke just blushed but she could feel herself smiling. "I haven't drawn in a long time." But she had been wanting to draw ever since Thanksgiving and she found herself beginning to succumb to those desires.

"Well I hope you start doing it again." Lexa pulled away and gave her a small grin. "I think I'm going to hang this up in my room." Clarke's heart fluttered as she pulled her girlfriend in for a short kiss, slightly wishing that everyone else would leave the room.

"Hap Skaif Raun, Lexa."

Then it was Lexa's turn to look nervous as she reached down and picked up a medium sized box wrapped in brown paper. Clarke held it in her hands carefully and gave Lexa a small smile before tearing into it with much less grace than her girlfriend had.

Inside the box was a soccer ball encased in glass. She looked at it curiously. Upon further inspection, the ball contained a bit over a dozen signatures, much like the ball she had given Aden. But it was one signature in particular that caught her attention of a player that had retired a decade ago. It was then that she noticed the golden plaque on the box that stated _TonDC United - Cup Champions 2004_. Her jaw dropped

Memories flooded her vision as she saw her eight year old self sitting with her father high up in the stands wearing black and red. Her mother had painted both of their faces with red and black stripes and her father said it would give the team luck. Her father had called in many favors to get tickets to the cup game and it was something he said he would never regret as it allowed him to see one of the best games of his life with his favorite girl in his life. She had remembered telling Lexa on their first date that the best game she had ever gone to had to be the 2004 cup game with her father.

"It has the signature of every player on the team that year," Lexa said, he voice shaking slightly. "I remember you telling me about how that game was one of your favorite memories with your dad. What I didn't tell you was that I was at that game too. So even if we never knew each other then, I like to hope that maybe I had ran into you before, during that game. Maybe it was at the concession stand, or maybe at the entrance gate, or maybe not at all. But you were there celebrating and I was there celebrating and I hope that going forward we get to celebrate those games together."

Clarke could feel the tears welling in her eyes as the grin on her face began to hurt her cheeks. She knew it then, her father would have absolutely loved Lexa. Probably almost as much as she did. And though he wasn't there she could almost hear his voice whisper in her ear _I really like this one, kiddo_.

"Merry Christmas, Clarke." And Clarke hugged Lexa with all the love she had and with all the love her father had passed down to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it started off a little sad and then ended in a more upbeat tone, right? I hope you guys enjoyed it and that the gift ideas that I decided on we're good ones.
> 
> Life is still pretty hectic and though I got some free time to get this posted, I probably won't get any time to even start the next chapter until this weekend. So it will likely be in a week from today that I post the next one and hopefully after that my work schedule will get a bit better. I'm also hoping this stint of writer's block ends soon. All of the comments I've been getting have been a real help with that! You guys are the best and I hope y'all continue to stick around!
> 
> Also, a few people have asked me for my Tumblr account so I recently made one under the same user name as this account! It's mostly Clexa and soccer but feel free to follow me or send me a message if you'd like!


	36. Give Me Two Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 35:  
> It was Christmas Day and Clarke found herself missing her father deeply while Lexa found herself attempting to avoid questions about her warrior's hunt. It was an emotional chapter filled with love, loss and some very thoughtful presents.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I want to make a couple quick points before we start this chapter:  
> 1\. Originally this was supposed to be the NYE chapter but my writer's block had me writing things I didn't plan for. So this is sort of a filler chapter. Hopefully you still enjoy it.
> 
> 2\. Two Weeks by FKA Twigs is a song I recommend hearing before you read the last portion of this chapter. Or listen to it while reading. In this portion there is some sexual suggestion that people requested. I try to give people what they ask for. Not, it's not full on smut but yeah...
> 
> 3\. I didn't get much time to read through this chapter so please forgive any mistakes.
> 
> And to finish, congratulations to any Chile fans out there. That game was absolutely amazing to watch despite the absolute absurdity of that referee. Off to focus on the Euro cup now...

"I wish I had some paint and canvas."

Lexa hummed as she rested her cheek against the side of Clarke's head. She was hugging her girlfriend from behind with her arms wrapped around her waist as they stared out the see through wall in her room. Clarke's hands were laced with her own as Lexa took in deep breaths of pine and vanilla, her girlfriend's scent mixing with the smell of Lexa's soap. It was an otherworldly smell that seemed to reflect their relationship.

The morning sun was just beginning to peak over the roof of the house washing the tops of the trees in the backyard with streams of light creating vibrant greens and blues and whites. Lexa didn't have an artist's eye the way the blonde had but she still found herself lost in the picturesque landscape that surrounded them. As always, she found herself regretting the fact that she was going to have to leave the cabin.

Their bags were packed and sitting on the bed behind them. Lexa could hear the house coming to life as people were yelling across the halls looking for items that they could not find and asking for help packing up the cars. But the brunette was content to say up in her room, holding onto her girlfriend and staying out of the chaos.

"I'm really glad that you could make it out here with me," she said quietly as to not disrupt the calmness of the room. She could almost see the reflection of Clarke's smile in the glass wall and Lexa found herself grinning back at it.

"Thanks for inviting me to come spend the holiday with your family," Clarke responded.

"My family adores you."

"Just your family?" Clarke asked and Lexa could hear the teasing in her tone.

"Well they obviously don't know you the way I do," Lexa deadpanned and the girl in her arms wiggled out of her grasp with a shocked look on her face as her left hand slapped at her arm. There was a soft sting on her bicep but the brunette's smile grew larger.

"I'm fucking amazing, Woods. You'll do good to remember that." Clarke crossed her arms over her chest and raised a single eyebrow as her lips twitched upwards to one side as if trying to hold back her smile. It made Lexa want to pull the blonde back into her arms and drag her back into bed.

"Well your fucking is pretty amazing," Lexa quipped as she let her tongue run across her bottom lip. She had tried to talk her girlfriend into a tumble amongst the sheets last night but the blonde had just laughed and let her down softly, again reminding her of all the people in the house that could either walk in on them, or hear them if one of them didn't remain quiet. Lexa had given Clarke a pout but let it go, especially after Clarke had leaned in close to her and promised her a special surprise when they got home later.

Lexa wasn't sure what made her more excited: the gift she was being promised or the fact that Clarke referred to her apartment as 'home'.

"Well I have been getting a lot of practice lately," Clarke mused which just caused Lexa to grin.

"You could have had more practice last night," Lexa responded as she finally reached out towards the blonde an slipped a finger into one of her belt loops and tugged her forward. Clarke's arms seemed to wrap around her neck on instinct and Lexa's hands found her waist as if she had done this her whole life.

"You are completely insatiable, you know that?" Clarke shook her head but she couldn't seem to shake the smirk from her lips.

"Am I insatiable or are you just irresistible?"

At that Clarke laughed. "Smooth, Woods. That was pretty smooth."

The brunette gave a toothy grin. "But did it work?"

"Maybe," Clarke said but Lexa was rewarded a moment later as she felt the pressure of a pull against her neck and soft lips were moving across her own. There was little more that Lexa loved more than the taste of Clarke's lips against her own, and all those 'little mores' were the tastes of other parts of Clarke's body. She found herself humming against the kiss.

"What if I just kick everyone out and you give me that surprise?" Lexa spoke against her girlfriend's lips, not wanting to break apart from the blonde. So when Clarke pulled away to respond, the brunette began to press desperate kisses across the blonde's neck.

"I'll think about it," she replied and Lexa's hands immediately began to snake their way up Clarke's shirt, pressing up against the smoothness of the skin on her back. But just as her hands reached the lace bra strap there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Lexa?" The voice asked, causing Lexa to groan and Clarke to laugh at her girlfriend's response.

Had it not been for the fact that the voice at the door was from one of the young boys in the house, Lexa probably would have told the intruder to go away. Instead she pulled herself away from Clarke who smoothed down her shirt before telling the boy to enter.

Ryder entered the room looking slightly flustered as if he were trying to calm down his nerves which immediately made Lexa's back straighten. The boy had no reason to be nervous around them. Ryder had always been able to talk to Lexa about anything and she had always done her best to make the boy feel comfortable and welcome around her. She found the boy just over seven years her junior to be more like a younger brother to her than a family friend.

"Leksa, ai gaf in-"

"Gonasleng beja, Ryder." Lexa commanded, not wanting to make Clarke uncomfortable. If Ryder had something he wished to discuss with her without Clarke listening in then he needed to ask to speak to her in private and not just speak to her in a language that the blonde did not understand.

"I can go," Clarke offered but the boy shook his head no.

Lexa watched the boy take in a deep breath before he began again. "Lexa, I wanted to ask...I was hoping that you might...It would be an honor if..." Each sentence the boy made seemed to taper off as if he couldn't find the words to say. Lexa could almost feel herself becoming as uncomfortable as the boy was beginning to sound and she found herself wishing that the boy would just spit out his question. She bit her tongue. "I'm turning sixteen in a few months."

"At the end of summer," she finished for him. His birthday was only a few weeks after her own.

Ryder nodded. "I am planning on completing my warrior's rite of passage the day after my birthday." Lexa nodded but she could feel her heart hammering in her chest. She was hoping that she would make it through the holiday without Ryder again asking her to tell her about the mountain lion, she was beginning to believe that this wouldn't be the case.

"Ryder," she cut him off with a sigh as she placed her hands behind her straightened back, "you know that my Gonaspiden is something I don't talk about." She felt bad for denying the boy yet again but instead of slumping his shoulders the way he normally did he tilted his chin higher and puffed out his chest.

"I'm not asking you to tell me what happened on the mountain. I'm asking you to be my warrior, my watcher."

Lexa could almost feel her blood freezing within her veins as her jaw strained itself shut. She was not the type of warrior that Ryder needed on his hunt, she was no Trikru role model. Surely his father would be a better choice. Even Roan would be more suitable. She however was not. Her hunt had been reckless and foolish. Clearly not the type of experience that Ryder should want for himself.

"Wouldn't you prefer to have Roan be there for you?" She asked in what felt like a small voice.

Ryder shook his head. "I want a Trikru warrior, not Azgeda."

"Your father," she began but the boy was immediately shaking his head no again.

"I don't want my father. I want you, Lexa."

Lexa sighed. "Is it me that you want or the Maun Lyon Fragon?" She had heard the boys muttering her nickname during their hunt the morning before.

"I'm not asking the mountain lion slayer. Maun Lyon Fragon is a legend amongst all the Trikru kids my age, but she is just that, a legend. Someone who we speak of but that no one actually knows. I'm asking Lexa Woods, my friend, my family, my sister. I was told that the person I asked to watch over me on my journey should be someone that I trust with my life and someone that I look up to. You are the first person that I thought about when they told me that, Lex. And I know that you won't talk about what happened to you and I promise that I won't ask anymore. And if you can't say yes then I understand, but you are my first choice and it would be an honor to have you as my watcher."

Lexa could feel a tugging at her heart as if it were growing in size, filling itself with the pride and love radiating off the boy in front of the brunette, pointing his adoration in her direction alone. This boy was more than just her mother's best friend's son. He was family. And Lexa would do anything for her family. And if this is what Ryder needed, she would be proud to give it to him.

"No, Ryder, the honor will be mine."

The boy looked confused for a second before a weary smile crossed his face. "Are you saying yes?" She could hear the excitement in his voice.

"Yes, I will watch over you. I will be your warrior and I will make sure that you are a lot less foolish during your Gonaspiden than I was during mine." At that she gave the boy a small smile who in response had his own smile that seemed to light up his face.

"Mochof, Leksa." He said with a formal bow though the smile never left his face. When he left the room he closed the door behind him and Lexa walked over to the bed where she fell into a sitting position and sighed with her head falling into her hands.

"Magnolia told me you were a legend," she heard as the bed beside her sank and a comforting hand fell onto her shoulder. "Though the story they told me sounded more like a tall tale legend than it did a biographical event."

"I was in a bad place in my head when I went through my warrior rite of passage. Bragging about my kill always seemed unfair." She looked to her right to see blue eyes looking at her questioningly but without demand. She wasn't asking Lexa to tell her anything that she wasn't ready to tell her.

"I'm here for you, Lex. You don't have to tell me anything. Anya already said that you refuse to talk about it to anyone and I don't expect you to tell me. I just wanted you to know that I'm here."

Clarke got off the bed as if to head back to the windowed wall to look out but Lexa reached out and grabbed at the blonde's forearm, her hand felt as if it were searing where it touched the girl's skin. "It happened when I was seventeen. Roan had volunteered to be my watcher but I had spent four months feeling completely alone after the accident so I foolishly decided to start my quest alone. It didn't help that I felt a need to keep the people I loved as far away from me as I could to keep them safe from the deaths that I caused. So in the dead of the night I slipped away..."

\----------

_Cold metal kissed harshly against her cheek as her head tilted slightly so that she could see down the shaft of her arrow, focusing on a rather large buck whose head was bent, eating at the grass that laid at his feet. She could feel her warm breath being slowly released on her top lip as she steadied her breathing, readying herself to take the shot._

_She had been wandering through the woods for the last two days, passing herds of deer and boar, not yet finding an animal worthy enough to bring home for her people, for the memory of her grandfather._

_The buck was large, around two hundred and fifty pounds if she had to guess. Possibly the largest she had ever come across. She moved her index finger onto the rigid trigger and took another deep breath before focusing one last time at the animal standing majestically on the other side from her arrow._

_And in that moment she pulled her finger off the trigger. Any novice hunter could shoot at an animal that was unmoving. Sure, the size of it was something to behold but where was the honor in an easy kill? Not that she deserved to have any honor. But she deserved an easy kill even less._

_Lexa lowered her crossbow with a sigh, shaking her head as she looked down to the ground, disgusted with herself. It was then that she saw it, the imprint hiding within the soft dirt. She bent down and touched the dirt, tracing the print. She could tell from the size of it that the creature was rather large. Likely a mountain lion passing through._

_It was then that she found herself silently walking in the direction that the paw had been pointing, looking for and following all other signs of the predator. There was a voice in the back of her head that told her that this was a bad idea, that looking for an animal this size that could so easily kill her was a horrible idea. But there was a bigger part of her that didn't care._

_Life was just a series of random acts. People were born, they lived, they died. That was life and the only thing that anyone really had to do existed in that stage between being born and death. And it wasn't as if being good or safe mattered really. Good people died while bad people lived. People that wore their seat belts died in accidents._

_The people that meant the most to her were dead. The ones that anchored her to this world were gone. And yes, she still had Anya but Anya had Roan and a child on the way. The last thing she needed was a needy younger sister who was as broken as she was. So what was left for her besides her grandfather's legacy? If she was able to bring back a mountain lion then at least it meant that she was a worthy enough warrior._

_So she made the decision to press forward. Get the big kill or die trying. Bringing home a mountain lion meant honor. And dying? Well, at least she may be able to see those that she had lost again._

_Hours had passed and Lexa could see the sun beginning its quick descent into the horizon when she finally spotted the beast she had spent half the day hunting. It was smaller than the buck that she had had in her sight earlier, though it appeared to be a rather large male. Its beige fur seemed to glisten in the dying sunlight, its muscles rippling in definition across its body._

_She was quick to lift her bow but the motion made a slight whooshing noise causing the large cat to glance in her direction. Her eyes met light brown eyes and as a roar escaped its mouth her heart began to race. She had just made a mistake and it could be costly._

_One mistake followed another as her shot went wide, hitting the animal in the shoulder instead of the chest causing the beast to cry out. She swore that she could see the anger in its eyes. She fumbled for another arrow as the lion lunged towards her. She was able to load another arrow into the bow but it was to late._

_One second she was upright and the next she could feel the air escape her body as her back slammed against the flood, twigs breaking and cracking into the air around them. Its roar above her was deafening as she shoved her forearm into the beasts mouth as it went to thrash into her neck. Instead its teeth met the thick steel armband on her left arm, the heavy steel strong enough to keep from folding in on itself under the pressure of the beast's bite._

_Fear overtook her body as she stared into large brown eyes and the only thing she could feel around her was death. In that moment she thought about the life that she had had. It was a mixture of emotions. Good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. She had loved and she had lost. She had been given so much in her life and it wasn't until that very moment that she realized how blessed she was._

_She had had a family that loved her, that cared for her, that would have given anything they could to make her happy. And in return she loved them with everything inside of her. And while that love felt as if it had died with them she could feel it beginning to resurface. She could hear Costia's voice in her head pleading for her to fight. She could hear Titus telling her to reach for her knife. She could hear her mother telling her that her fight was not over._

_It was the feeling of claws digging into her side that propelled her forward. Her right hand reached for the large, sword-like blade strapped to her leg before slashing it into the lion's throat, dragging it across its fur and deep into its skin cutting into muscle. She could feel the wetness pool around her as blood sprayed into her face, a coppery taste biting at her tongue._

_A minute passed before the beast fell limp atop of her, the pressure sat above her, comforting her as her heart hammered in her chest. And despite the beast upon her chest she felt as if she could breathe for the first time in months. And she cried without abandon pinned against the floor._

\----------

"It took me two days in the forest to make my kill. It took me another three to drag the beast back to the village. It was nighttime by the time I made it in, a large bonfire called me forward like a beacon. And I could see the elders sitting there, awaiting my return and all I could think about was my grandfather.

"He had always said that a fearsome leader always made grand entrances. So without even a second thought, I reached my hand into the throat of the lion and once my hand was coated in blood I ran it across my face before leaning down and hoisting the thing onto my back. I could feel the pain in my side where it scratched me days before. My stomach ached from hunger. But I forced myself forward and only when all eyes were on me did I fling the cat to my feet. I walked away without a word."

Clarke looked at Lexa in shock. She had heard it from Anya and Magnolia but she couldn't bring herself to believe the tale. But told from Lexa's perspective it was hard to not accept it as truth. She was a mixture of emotion. Her heart ached for the girl who cared so little about her own life. She felt pride for the warrior who served her family proud. She felt a twinge of fear over what her girlfriend was clearly capable of. At the same time she felt safe and protected. And above all else she felt honored to hear a story that Lexa felt safe enough to tell her when not another soul around had been blessed enough to hear the tale.

"Your sister told me that anyone who believed that you fought that mountain lion with your hands were fools" she attempted to lighten the mood and her comment did pull a small smile from Lexa's lips. More and more Clarke found that she would do almost anything to make the brunette smile.

"Anya had a conniption when she found out what I had killed. If I told her how I killed that beast I'm pretty sure she would have finished the job that the large cat started." She said it with a small laugh but there was still a nervousness that sat below the surface of it.

But the smile soon faded. "I lost myself when I lost them. I made stupid, reckless decisions and I'm celebrated for it like some legend when really I was lucky. I don't deserve the accolades they give me. Ryder deserves a watcher worthy of him and that isn't me."

Clarke's heart broke as she leaned over and began to rub the brunette's back with her hand and placed a gentle kiss against her shoulder. "You are a strong, thoughtful and caring leader. You made mistakes which all of us mere mortals do when we are young. Hell, I'm sure I make mistakes daily. It doesn't make you undeserving, it makes you human. Ryder said it himself. He wasn't asking the notorious lion slayer to stand beside him. He was asking the girl he grew up with, the woman he admires. I for one couldn't think of anyone more deserving."

At that Lexa gave her a bright smile, her green eyes sparkling beneath unshed tears. And Clarke couldn't help but smile with her. Lexa deserved all the happiness she could give her. Clarke lent forward and placed a chaste kiss against her lips.

Lexa pulled away just a fraction of an inch, their breath mixing together in the nearly nonexistent space between them. "You are too good to me, Clarke." She whispered it against her mouth, their lips touching as they formed around her words.

"No, Lex. You don't get to think that way. You aren't broken and you aren't undeserving of me. I'm so much stronger when I'm with you."

Lexa nodded, their noses bumping together as green eyes burned into hers. "My grandfather used to say that love is weakness. He had never been so wrong. He clearly never met you."

They kissed passionately. It wasn't quite an 'I love you' but it was pretty damn close.

\----------

"Can't it wait until after I take my amazing girlfriend to bed?"

Lexa let out a small groan as Clarke pulled out of her arms and retreated from her lips with a sly smirk on her face. "I have one more present for you and I really don't think you'll want to wait." Though she was immediately walking into Lexa's room, her hips swaying suggestively pulling Lexa to follow behind her as if leading her with a leash, likely attached to her groin. She could nearly feel herself salivating.

They had made it back into TonDC and Lexa couldn't wait to spend some real alone time with Clarke where she could ravish her without abandon and neither would have to worry about keeping their moans and yells at a library appropriate level. But as soon as they had gotten inside and Lexa pulled the blonde into her arms, she pulled away saying that she had one more surprise for her.

Lexa entered her room to see the chair she normally kept in the corner pulled out into the center of the room. Lexa looked at it curiously but Clarke just had this smug look on her face. "Take a seat," she commanded.

Lexa gave her a questioning look but she did as she was told. She knew better than to question the blonde when she had that kind of lit in her tone. She watched with desire as Clarke grabbed onto the top of her thighs and leaned down to give her a sensual kiss, her body weight pushing softly into her legs. Lexa could feel a spark within the depths of her lower stomach, fluttering and forcing a haze within her mind. All she wanted, all she had eyes for, was the blonde standing in front of her.

"Don't move," Clarke whispered, pulling away. Lexa groaned at the lack of contact between them. "I mean it," she warned before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Lexa sighed and sank into the wooden, throne like chair that she had received from Octavia for her birthday over the summer as a joke. A throne for the majestic commander. Lexa at the time rolled her eyes, but the truth was, she was rather fond of it. She tended to pull it into the living room to sit on during parties. It was the chair she sat in as she watched Clarke dance with Bellamy, though she quickly pushed that thought aside.

Instead she found herself staring at the ceiling, reaching her hands over her head to stretch out her body. She moved her neck around and began to play with her fingers. A few minutes had passed since Clarke had left her alone.

"You were right, niron," she called out loudly, "I don't really want to wait!"

She could hear Clarke laughing from the other side of the door. "You better be exactly where I left you when I walk out."

Another moment passed when her wireless speakers began to come to life. A strumming began to escape the speakers along with the sound of muffled symbols modified by a synth. Lexa furrowed her brows. She recognized the song by FKA Twigs. "Clarke, why is Two Weeks playing?" Clarke sauntered out of the bathroom only a moment later, the question quickly becoming long forgotten to the brunette.

Clarke was now wearing shorts and a loose fitting white top that hung low enough to show off the black lace bra beneath, her chest spilling out the top of the material. Lexa could feel herself swallow the lump that had lodged its way inside of her throat as her hands began to glide to the end of the armrests, her fingers digging tightly into the wood material of the chair as Clarke began to slowly move her hips to the beat of the music.

_I know it hurts. You know I'd quench that thirst._

The song was slow, tantalizingly slow and Clarke's hips moved to the beat of it seductively, pulling out every drop of desire within Lexa's body. Her thighs clenched together as she fought down her desire to cant her hips forward into the air. She was well outside of Lexa's reach and seemed content on teasing her with a seductive dance well before heading anywhere close to the brunette who ached to touch.

_Cause you're the only one who resonates that chaste, mouth open like (High)_

Clarke's right hand gripped her opposite hip while her left pressed against her chest before both moved slowly. The hand at her chest slid up to caress her neck, her hand mimicking a choke as she threw back her head in pleasure with a bitten lip. The hand at her waist slowly caressed its way down to her crotch, pushing down hard into her center and it brought a burning deep within the brunette who leaned forward, her grip on the chair tightening.

_Flying like a stream of thunder, only way to do each other._

Her hips moved gracefully as she began to squat lower, her legs pushing apart from one another opening wide before falling to the wood floor onto her knees with her hips back before thrusting forward. Her right hand went through her hair, as she began to slowly thrust back and forth into the air, her arm swinging in a circle around her head before tracing a line down her neck, between her chest then back down to her center. Lexa lifted slightly, wanting it to be her hands touching her instead.

_You know I'd put you first (I can fuck you better, better)_

She was on her hands and knees, crawling her way forward, licking her lips, her blue eyes staring intently. Lexa's breath hitched in her throat. Clarke rolled, laying with her back against the floor just below Lexa who looked down hungrily She kept her shoulders on the floor as she lifted her hips into the air, rolling them up and down to the beat. Then with her hips in the air she slid her shoulders across the floor, pushing forward with the balls of her feet. She slowly lowered her hips and pulled herself tightly into a sitting position before leaning back, her head landing between Lexa's spread legs, the back of her head pushing into Lexa's center' blue eyes looking up at her.

_Give me two weeks, you won't recognize her. Mouth open, you're high._

Clarke's hands slid up her legs, across her thighs, over her stomach, hands landing onto her chest. Lexa arched into them, desperate for her touch. But in an instant her hands were gone and she was spinning again so she was on her knees before popping up onto her feet. She pressed her chest in between Lexa's legs and up her stomach. Lexa couldn't help it. She grabbed at Clarke's hips the moment their chests pressed together. But Clarke just shook her head and pulled her hands away, placing them back onto the arm rests before whispering into her ear. "No touching." Lexa gulped.

_My thighs are apart for when you're ready to breathe in. Suck me up, I'm healing with all the shit you're dealing._

Clarke straddled her lap, as she huskily sang along, "Motherfucker, get your mouth open, you know you're mine". Her left hand ran through her hair as she ground down her hips into Lexa's. The motion made Lexa whimper and she was sure she was wetter than she had ever been, breathing labored the words that the blonde sang resonating in her head, her mouth opening in a moan. Clarke ended every thrust with her chest in Lexa's face, fabric pushing against her opened mouth. When she got up off of her lap Lexa growled at the lack of contact. Clarke just smiled wickedly as she began to slowly peel off her shirt, her hips swaying.

_I'll quench your thirst, just get so high and stop your doubting._

She slowly unbuttoned the front of her jean shorts and undid the zipper. The fabric pulled apart to reveal lacy black underwear that made Lexa's mouth water. But Clarke didn't remove her shorts. Instead she turned around around and started dancing again, taking two steps away from Lexa. What she did next made the brunette stand from her seat.

Clarke began to bend backwards at the waist, left arm reaching above her head, her other caressing up her neck as she slowly lowered herself backwards, her back arching as her hands hit the floor just in front of Lexa's feet. She dropped her shoulders onto the floor, making sure to keep her hips in the air before slowly lowering them down, popping her chest off the floor as her hips landed.

_Give me two weeks, you won't recognize her._

Lexa couldn't take it anymore. Her body was covering Clarke's, her weight pushing the blonde into the ground. She was hungrily kissing at her throat, her hips searching for the friction she so desperately needed.

"I said no touching," she moaned against Lexa's ministrations.

"I can't take not touching you," she growled in response. "I want you so bad, Clarke." She ground her hips down against Clarke's upper thigh and gasped at the relief she felt.

"How bad?" she gasped.

Lexa groaned, trying to put herself together enough to form words. It was hard to concentrate with Clarke's chest pressed against her with the desire currently sitting between her thighs. "I want you to come in my mouth until your legs shake and there is nothing left inside of you. I want you to scream out my name until you lose your voice. And I want to cover every inch of you with my tongue until I can differentiate the taste between your shoulders and your thighs."

"And should I make you beg?" Clarke's voice was hoarse and thick with want. She desired this just as much as Lexa did.  And for Clarke, Lexa would beg.  She would fall to her knees if that's what it took.

"Please, niron, please let me show you just how much I want you." Clarke moaned but said nothing. Lexa began to kiss her way up her jaw and nibble softly on her earlobe. "Please give yourself over to me and I promise you won't regret it."

"Take me!"

They didn't make it to the bed the first time, nor the second. They made it to the large sofa chair the third. By the time they found themselves tangled amongst sheets their stamina was being tested as they pushed themselves beyond their limits, not wanting to stop.

Lexa wasn't sure how long they had lasted but there was no longer sun shining through her window and the skyline below was illuminated by city lights. Both girls were laying on their backs and Lexa could feel the sweat against her chest and forehead, though it could have just as easily have belonged to the blonde at this point.

"How come Christmas is only once a year?" Lexa asked, looking over at the blonde who was sporting a collection of small bruises on her neck and chest and thighs, a parting gift of Lexa's enthusiasm. She was sure her own neck was probably littered with them as well.

Clarke laughed. "There's always birthdays and anniversaries," she offered.

Lexa nodded then added thoughtfully, "Then President's Day, Labor Day and national doughnut day."

"National Doughnut Day?" Clarke asked incredulously.

Lexa feigned annoyance. "We need to work off the calories from our doughnut consumption somehow."

Clarke hummed. "That makes perfect sense. How about national ice cream day?" She asked it mockingly but Lexa just smiled.

"Now that could be my favorite day of the year."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe not the smut that some of you wanted, I promise some of that next chapter, but hopefully it was the lap dance scene that some of you have asked for. And if you are Pazuzu_Godking, I expect that you've kept up your end of the bargain and have read this aloud to a grandma. Preferably on a bus. Why a bus? I'm not sure. To spread Clexa joy I suppose. After all, isn't that the joy of Half Christmas?! Okay, so I'm a day or two late, but still!
> 
> I'm hoping to have the next chapter out by Friday. The girls are back in TonDC now so they are going back to college and soccer life once again. Though I will warn you all that drama is approaching. We may still have a few chapters until that point, but it's coming.
> 
> Thanks again for all of the lovely comments and messages. When ideas are hard to come by your kind words bring me the confidence I need to try writing past it. Feel free to follow me on Tumblr - same user name as here. I will definitely follow you back!


	37. The Pain of Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 36 Recap:  
> We finally got to hear all about the mountain lion story. We were then treated to a nice dance by our favorite blonde.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I said there would be smut in this chapter but I didn't quite realize how long this chapter was going to get. If this isn't my longest chapter yet, it is my second longest chapter. So no smut in this one but I think you guys are going to like this one anyway. Maybe it's even a better ending than had I ended it in smut instead. You'll have to let me know.

"So you're really kicking me out of your house?" Clarke looked at Lexa with a look of disbelief but the girl in front of her just stood there with her arms crossed as she nodded her head once again.

"You don't like hanging out with me anymore, Clarke?"

Clarke turned to shoot her roommate an annoyed look knowing full well that those sad puppy eyes she was throwing her way were more for show than real emotional stress. And it wasn't that she didn't want to hang out with Raven, she did. It was more so that Lexa was practically pushing her out the front door and using her roommate as a means to distract her.

"So I really have no say in my own birthday party?" The blonde now mirrored her girlfriend as she crossed her arms over her chest and gave the girl a pointed look. It was New Year's Eve and tonight was the big party. Lexa had sent out invitations to the entire soccer team along with a large handful of Clarke's friends from class telling them to go ahead and bring a friend or two over to her place to celebrate.

"You really don't," was all Lexa replied with a small smirk on her face.

"Don't worry, Griff, we got this covered!" Octavia yelled from the kitchen which only caused Clarke to roll her eyes.

"But I want to help," she pouted, trying to appeal to her girlfriend's soft spot for her. She could see Lexa's jaw clench almost as if it pained her slightly to turn down Clarke's request.

"You honestly can't tell me that you are going to miss your girlfriend by being away from her for a few hours." Raven said it with a tone of feigned disgust.

"Yeah," Octavia followed. "You two have been practically inseparable since the start of break. Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"Says the girl who is standing right next to her boyfriend!" It wasn't that she couldn't spend the next four hours without being in the same vicinity as Lexa, it was more so that the girl had been fidgety most of the morning and it was beginning to make the blonde nervous. She was never one for surprises. She supposed it was why she hated watching horror films. And the way Lexa was acting screamed 'surprise'.

Lincoln poked his head out of the kitchen and gave Clarke a warm smile. Even his face said that he was in on whatever her girlfriend was hiding. She decided to try another tactic.

"But the party is in six hours and once people start filtering in we are going to have to go back to pretending we're just friends. I'd rather spend those six hours getting in all the girlfriend time I can!" Lexa had discussed coming out to everyone tonight about their relationship but Clarke had just shook her head and stated that they needed to make the decision tell their coach before telling anyone else. Lexa had tried to argue but Clarke had cut her off. They told their coach first, then everyone else. It was a decision she was making to protect her girlfriend. She wasn't going to do anything to convince Lexa to make a decision that would ultimately hurt her.

"We can tell everyone tonight," Lexa offered again with a small smile.

Clarke just huffed. "Take me away, Ray." It was clear that this was a losing battle.

Lexa just shook her head before she leaned down and planted a kiss on the top of the blonde's head. Clarke did her best to not smile but was mostly unsuccessful. "I'll see you in a few hours."

The truth was, she actually missed hanging out with Raven, a fact that she discovered only minutes after leaving the apartment. And after three hours had passed, she had mostly forgotten about her girlfriend's shifty ways this morning.

"You honestly mean to tell me that your ex thought that the words to 'Message in a Bottle' by the Police was 'Massage in a brothel'!" Clarke was laughing nearly to the point of tears over her latte.

Raven grinned at her and took a sip of her coffee. "Honestly, between that and the creepy ass stalker song 'Every Breath You Take', she thought that the Police was the creepiest band of all time."

"That's amazing," Clarke sighed, shaking her head. But the mention of exes brought up the fact that Clarke hadn't seen her roommate with anyone since that first home game win when she had gone back to Wick's apartment. "So there's no one special you're planning to meet up with at the party tonight?"

The smile on Raven's face faltered slightly as a red tinge coated the top of her cheeks. "Nope," the raven haired girl responded with as much nonchalance that she could muster, but it came a second too late.

Clarke's grin grew. "So who is it then?"

"No one," she grumbled, her good mood beginning to sour. Normally Clarke would leave it alone but there was just something that made her continue to press.

"You know you can tell me, right? I can keep a secret."

"Can you?" Raven asked with a raised eyebrow and crossed arms. Clarke tried to not let it sting.

"You know I can, Ray. I just seem to be unable to look at my girlfriend discretely without looking as if I want to drag her into the first empty room I can find." She said it with a laugh that seemed to at least tug the corner of her friend's mouth upwards.

"We agreed to not tell anyone," she admitted a few moments later with a small huff.

Clarke nodded her head. "Then don't tell me their name or anything that would give them away. Tell me everything else."

Raven seemed to consider this, biting at the bottom of her lip. Clarke could see the battle being fought behind the girl's brown eyes before she let out a small sigh. "It started over the summer. It was just meant to be something fun. Friends with benefits. We didn't even used to hang out much but her parents moved close by my hometown and so she spent the summer there and we just sorta, I don't know, found each other."

Clarke smiled. "So it's a 'she' then?"

Raven reluctantly nodded as if the girl's gender was giving away too much. "We agreed that what we had would be physical and nothing more, agreeing that we are both way too incompatible. It would never work out. But the sex was great, it is great. And I kept telling myself that the fact that I was satisfied was the only reason why I didn't want to sleep with anyone else." She trailed off and looked intently into her coffee as if the dark liquid contained the answers to the questions she kept asking herself. "I only slept with Wick to prove it to myself and it just felt wrong."

"So it's not just sex, is it?" Clarke asked. From what Clarke could tell, friends with benefits never seemed to work out well in the end. Someone always developed feelings beyond what had been agreed upon. It always seemed to leave someone hurt.

"It was supposed to be. We agreed it would be." She sounded frustrated, almost angry at herself for not holding up her end of the agreement.

Clarke gave her a soft smile and reached over the table to softly grab onto her forearm before giving it a soft squeeze. "Life hardly ever goes the way we plan it." It was something Clarke knew all too well.

"She makes me laugh, Clarke. And not in the way that you and Octavia do, but in the most unassuming way without even trying. She's kind of like Lexa that way. She says the oddest things and I find myself just smiling. And she's smart and beautiful. And she doesn't put up with my shit!"

Clarke feigned an audible gasp. "Someone who doesn't put up with your shit, Reyes? I like the girl already."

Raven just shook her head and gave her a small, genuine smile. "No, really, I mean it. She doesn't just roll her eyes at me when I say something stupid, she actually says something about it. And sometimes we argue but, God, I'd rather be arguing with her than hanging out with anyone else and saying nothing important. Is that weird?"

Clarke let out a small laugh. It wasn't a weird concept to her at all. Her and Lexa hardly fought but when they did she was pretty sure she would rather be arguing with her than not being with her at all. "It sounds like you got it pretty bad. Have you tried telling her how you felt?"

Raven's smile fell as she turned her head and looked away. "Not in those words, no. But over Thanksgiving break we were laying in bed just joking around and before I could stop myself I asked her if she would be my date to my cousin's wedding in the spring."

"It didn't go well?" Clarke asked, though she could already guess the answer based on the girl's slumped shoulders.

"She told me that we agreed not to do this. But damnit, she holds my hands when we're alone together and she kisses me like it means something and I just got so angry. So I told her that we were done and left. She tried calling out to me but I didn't stop. And then when we saw each other again we were at each other's throats, as if she had the audacity to be angry with me!" Raven shook her head and she looked angry, but at who? Clarke wasn't quite sure.

"So what next? Are you trying to get over her?" Clarke felt guilty. How did she miss seeing her friend hurting the way that she clearly had been? She had been a horrible friend.

"I don't know. A part of me thinks that I'd rather have her as a friend with benefits than to not have her at all." She sounded small, almost defeated and Clarke felt an anger well up inside of her.

"You deserve so much better than that, Ray. Don't sell yourself short. If you want to be with her then you need to tell her, be honest with her. And if she doesn't want you then tell her to go to hell. Because if you don't, I sure as fuck will."

At that Raven gave her an appreciative smile. "And here Octavia said that you gave shitty relationship advice."

Clarke scoffed, rolling her eyes. "So I wasn't able to give her the perfect anniversary gift. I knew someone that would."

At that Raven gave her a small laugh, the tension slowly leaving her roommate's shoulders. "Maybe I should be asking you to return the favor." A wicked smile played across her lips.

Clarke looked at her reluctantly. "What favor?"

"Well a girl whose been banging Lexa Woods surely has some great sex tips for me."

At that Clarke groaned as she buried her face in her hands, certain that her cheeks were a bright scarlet. "If I remember correctly, you received a gift basket for your service so I'm pretty sure we're even."

Raven arched an eyebrow. "Are we? How often are you using my little tip to get yourself a little extra action?" When Clarke turned a brighter shade of red Raven crossed her arms and smugly leaned back into her seat. "So I don't really think we are even then."

At that Clarke huffed. She knew Lexa probably wasn't going to like this. "So there's this thing that Lexa does with her tongue..."

\----------

As far as parties went, this one was a bit more relaxed than most parties that Lexa normally found herself throwing. That said, the room around her thrummed as if her apartment had a life of its own.

Unlike a majority of her parties, tonight Lexa at least knew a majority of the people packed inside of her apartment. Most were teammates and friends, not the normal college student who wandered their way upstairs after learning that the women's soccer team had won another home game at the foot of the team's commander. She would say that this party was a bit more exclusive but there was still a rather large amount of people there.

Bodies were swaying on the makeshift dance floor, people were huddled around the kitchen table grabbing drinks and food, there were a good handful of couples making out on the couch in the living room. But Lexa found herself on the roof, basking under the heat lamps scattered around the area, keeping the cold air at bay as she smiled at her girlfriend's melodious laugh.

Octavia was hanging all over Lincoln as he told some story about how Indra had gotten herself stuck in a tree after Lexa had challenged her into a tree climbing contest. The girl in question was shaking her head with her arms crossed.

"I wasn't stuck," Indra proclaimed with an eye roll, though she had an uncharacteristic grin on her face. Lexa was happy to see that the girl was enjoying herself, parties weren't really her thing. Though the laid back atmosphere that had overtaken the roof seemed to wash over her. "I was merely looking for the best route down."

Lexa snorted with a large smile. "And the best way down happened to be your father and Gustus with a ladder?" Indra glared in her direction. What she didn't expect was for Clarke to come to Indra's rescue.

"And Lexa didn't fall out of that tree, she just merely decided to give herself over to gravity."

Indra laughed out loud which seemed to make the blonde's smile grow even wider as both Lincoln and Octavia whipped their heads to look at Lexa's second in shock. And while the scene of Indra and Clarke actually getting along warmed her heart, she threw a glare in Clarke's direction.

"Et tu, Brute?" She asked in the voice she reserved for reading Shakespeare, the voice her mother had used when she read it to aloud. She clutched at her heart as if Clarke had plunged a knife into it.

Clarke lifted a single brow and a sly smile lifted at the corner or her mouth. "Have you upgraded yourself from a commander to a ruthless Roman dictator, Lex?"

"Don't even give her the idea!" Indra shot at Clarke with an amused grin. "If her sense of power got any worse, we would have to lead a rebellion." At that the whole group laughed while Lexa just shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"I think I liked it a lot better when the two of you," she motioned to Indra and Clarke, "did not get along." But both girls smiled at each other, knowing that she didn't mean a word of it.

Over the last three weeks the two of them had begun to warm up to one another, or at least as warm as Indra got, Lexa supposed. It started with questions about finals, then to kind gestures such as pouring the other a cup of coffee. It had recently escalated to Indra sharing embarrassing stories about Lexa as a child, revealing some of their many adventures. Normally Lexa would have been annoyed had it not been for the fact that her two closest friends were finally in each others' good graces.

A couple of the substitutes on their team joined into their conversation and they began talking about their upcoming classes for next semester but Lexa found herself unable to pay much attention. She couldn't help but notice the way that the stars seemed to glow around the silhouette of Clarke's head, shining like a never ending crown that almost made her glow. And the moment Clarke's eyes found hers, she could feel herself drowning in pools of blue.

It was lost on Lexa how she could still find herself utterly mesmerized by the girl in front of her as if she had been laying eyes on her for the first time. Her stomach still jumped, her heart still lodged itself in her throat, her fingers still tingled. Would she always feel this way? She really hoped she would.

With a small smile she discretely motioned her head back towards the door and she could see Clarke trying to contain her smile. And both girls slipped away, no one really paying much mind to the two girls that had left beside Indra who always tended to watch out for her friend. It was a quick rush down the stairs, several feet between them to look a bit more conspicuous. And then Lexa was in her room, knowing that she couldn't last one more minute without kissing her girlfriend, but several steps into the room she froze at the sight in front of her.

Apparently Clarke was just as eager as Lexa had been because only a moment later she was barreling into the brunette with a small "oof" as the door swung shut behind them, everyone in the room looking startled.

Blonde and raven colored hair seemed to blend together along with white and tanned skin as Raven and Harper were embraced in a passionate kiss, the blonde's hand snaking up the back of the defender's green cotton t-shirt. The girls pulled apart with a gasp, leaping towards opposite ends of the room as if the air between them was now filled with fire.

"It's not what you think!" Raven proclaimed immediately, pulling down the raised bottom of her shirt, a bright red flush across her cheeks.

But it was Harper who spoke before anyone else had the chance. Lexa peaked over to see Clarke's eyes wide and her jaw hanging open. "Not what they think?" she spat at the girl who had just had her tongue down her throat. "And just five minutes ago you said that you wanted..." But she shook her head disgusted instead of finishing. "Screw you, Reyes."

"Harper wait!" Raven called out, reaching forward but her hands grasped at air as Harper pushed herself out the door and into the roaring party outside. The three girls in the room stood there frozen.

Lexa could feel her heart aching for her two friends, almost as if she were absorbing some of their heartache. "I'll go talk to her," she sighed, turning towards the door.

"Lexa, wait!" Raven called out, waiting for the brunette to turn before continuing. "You don't really know what's going on." She offered it sadly.

Lexa just shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You mean you and Harper haven't been sleeping together for the last few months while avoiding talking about your actual feelings?"

At that Lexa could feel both girls staring at her wide eyed, both exclaiming at the same time. "You knew?"

Lexa almost had to laugh, almost. It was so reminiscent of the reaction Harper had gotten when she had told the group that she knew about Lexa dating Clarke. "Honestly, Reyes, I spent the last month nearly choking on the sexual tension between the two of you. Do you know how many times I walked out of practice desperate to pin Clarke to a wall because of it?" Perhaps the confession wasn't appropriate for the situation but she could sense her girlfriend trying hard not to smile.

Raven was sputtering but Lexa knew that she didn't have the time. They were nearing midnight and she knew that Harper was bound to be a bit of a mess. So she turned and gave Clarke a pointed look before making her own exit, trying to track down the runway blonde, slipping into the kitchen to grab two glasses of something strong first.

When she found Harper she was in the hallway outside of the apartment, sitting on the floor with her back against the wall looking as lost as she had ever seen her. A part of Lexa knew that she wasn't made for this, that probably anyone else would have known what to do more than she did. She wasn't the friend people came to when they wanted sympathy or a shoulder to cry on. She was the one who they went to when they needed the honest truth. She wasn't equipped but she walked forward anyway.

"Here," she said as she handed the glass to the girl before plopping herself right beside her on the ground, taking a swig of the brown liquid.

"Whiskey?" Harper asked, examining the glass with a weary look on her face. At least that beat the lost look that had been on her face just a moment before.

"Not just any whiskey," Lexa replied, taking a sip and allowing the smokey flavor to slowly burn its way down her throat. "THE whiskey." She said it with a smile as she watched Harper shake her head before taking a drink, wincing almost immediately. "The drink one has when running away from their feelings."

She didn't say another word. Instead the two of them sat there in silence, drinking. Perhaps Lexa should have prepared a speech. Maybe she should have offered words of encouragement or of understanding. But she knew that had the roles been reversed, she wouldn't have wanted to hear any of it. So instead she stayed quiet. And fifteen minuted passed before Harper spoke.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." Her voice came out in a whisper as she swirled the dwindling liquid courage around her glass. But still Lexa said nothing, she just nodded into her own glass.

Another five minutes passed.

"I wasn't supposed to fall for the one girl who is my polar opposite. I mean look at us, it's like oil and water, it would never work!" Harper groaned and took another drink, this one longer. Still Lexa said nothing.

Another two minutes passed.

"And yet here I am, sitting on this fucking floor, drinking this God awful drink, trying to forget the way she makes me feel." She laughed. "She told me that she didn't want anything more than sex and I agreed because I was stupid crazy about her. And then we have these great moments alone and we get back here and it's business as usual and we avoid each other best we can because she wanted just sex. And then, when I finally get used to the idea that this is how it's meant to be she invites me to be her date to a wedding where I can meet her family!"

Harper groans and takes another drink. Another minute passes. "Her homophobic family! Why the hell would she want to invite me to meet them? To piss them off? It has to be because she made it clear that this is just sex. So we end it. And this last month has been torture, knowing that it's over. And then she takes me to your room, tells me she wants more, more than just sex. She wants it all. So I kiss her and then you two barge in and all of a sudden 'it's not what it looks like'?"

Harper took the final drink of her glass, before reaching over and grabbing at Lexa's which was half full still. She took another drink and still, Lexa said nothing.

Five more minutes pass.

"Are you trying to fucking be Mr. Miyagi here? Is your silence a wax on, wax off moment that I'm just missing here?" Harper's irritation was dripping through her words. The time for silence was over.

Lexa looked over at the blonde with a soft look, meeting her frustrated hazel eyes. "I figured that you have been holding all this in for the last few months. The least I could do is listen and give you a chance to say all the things you've been wanting to say out loud."

The irritation began to slip away, replaced by helpless desperation. "Tell me what to do, Lex!"

The brunette let out a soft sigh before giving her friend a small smile. "You do realize the humor in the fact that you are asking me for relationship advise, right?"

Harper actually laughed. It wasn't a hearty laugh but instead a small one that seemed to release some of the tension from her face. "Well you got someone to stand you enough to be around you so that you could make them fall in love with you. So I guess that makes you better at this than me."

"Does it though?" Both girls grinned a little larger. "You want my opinion?" Lexa asked, waiting for the girl to nod before continuing. "I think that you need to take a deep breath and decide whether or not Raven is worth the pain of happiness."

The blonde gave her a confused look. "The pain of happiness?"

The brunette nodded. "One night stands, sex without strings, those things are easy. You get in and you get out before anyone gets hurt but from my experience, it's pretty empty." She could feel Harper giving her another quizzical look.

"One night stands seemed to suit you fine for years, Lexa." Lexa turned away, shaking her head. That was a part of her life that she had no longer wanted a part of.

"They did, and for a long time I thought what I was feeling was happiness. And then Clarke came around and I realized how desolate it all was.". She turned back to look at her friend and put a hand on her knee. "What makes light bright except for darkness? What makes life precious without death? And what makes happiness so enjoyable except for pain?" She was bordering on existentialism. "You and Raven aren't just strangers meeting by chance, you are friends, so being together is not without risk. So is she worth taking the risk? Could you handle the potential pain if it meant being happy?"

She gave the blonde a small laugh before continuing. "You're right, you and Raven are polar opposites. While she is loud and rambunctious, you are reserved and orderly. While she takes risks, you weigh every option. You are every parent's dream and Raven constantly questions authority with this overwhelming need to blow shit up. Hell, she slide tackles when you yell at her to run back. And when you two fight, it's as if the world is burning. But for what it's worth, I think that the two of you balance each other out. So you can stand there and tell me that you two won't work out on paper, but life isn't predictable or ideal even. So what is it that you're really running from?"

"I'm not running," Harper nearly growled but Lexa only gave her another small laugh, a comforting laugh.

"Harp, trust me, I know running. I'd done it for years. And this? This is running."

Harper nodded and thought for a good few minutes. "I'm afraid of losing her."

"So you don't let yourself have her so that there's no chance of you one day maybe having to live without having her?" Harper laughed at the ridiculousness in her logic.

"When you put it that way it sorta sound like..." The blonde was grasping for words.

"Like you have your head up your ass?" Lexa offered, resulting in a glare but still an upturned grin.

"Another thing you know about, Woods?" The insult made Lexa bite her lip softly and nod her head in agreement.

Harper turned back to Lexa's drink and finished it off while the brunette posed another question. "Would you give up being the captain of our team for her?"

Harper's head whipped around. "Are we talking about you and Clarke now?" She asked it with a laugh, as if she thought that Lexa was trying to end their current conversation but the brunette shook her head no.

"I'm telling coach about Clarke and me before our next practice." It was only two days away. "You and I both know exactly what that means for me." And what it meant for the blonde that would likely inherit her position.

A part of her wanted the girl beside her to say that she was wrong, that neither one of them knew what was going to happen, but she didn't. She knew, the same as Lexa. "So I have two days to decide?" She said it with a small smile and Lexa found herself un-phased by it.

In two days she may not be in command of her soccer team but she would have something she knew she wanted more. The happiness she got from being with Clarke would outweigh the pain of losing her arm band. Not long ago...hell, who was she kidding? Not even months ago, there was nothing more frightening than the thought of losing control of her team. That now seemed so far down on the list now of things to worry about that it almost made her laugh.

"So," Lexa said, attempting to lift the mood, "you had to choose my room?"

Harper blushed, a small smile on her lips. "Your spare bedroom was locked with a 'Do Not Enter' sign and we were pretty sure that Octavia and Lincoln would walk in on us when they attempted to get in a quickie before midnight."

Lexa smiled. "And Indra's room?"

The blonde scoffed at that. "I'm pretty sure if Indra caught us, we'd both be dead before either of us saw midnight."

Both girls laughed but the mention of midnight seemed to summon the event as Lexa heard people begin the countdown from inside. Her heart sunk into her chest. "I gotta go," she said immediately running inside.

"Go get her, Commander!" she heard from behind her. Lexa prayed she wasn't going to be too late.

\----------

Clarke looked at her watch after seeing no sign of her girlfriend. She had spent the better part of half an hour calming Raven down, completely flabbergasted that she hadn't seen it sooner. And even more surprised that Lexa had, though with what she knew of her girlfriend, she really shouldn't have been surprised. At least someone in their group was good at keeping secrets.

There was less than five minutes left until midnight and while she knew that she wouldn't be able to get a midnight kiss, the least she wanted was to be able to look into Lexa's eyes to bring in the new year.

"Ready for 2017?" The voice made her freeze.

She had avoided him most of the night, usually with the help of his sister who continued to run interference for her despite the fact that she seemed annoyed at having to do so. And yet there she was, standing right in front of Bellamy Blake who was handing her a champagne glass with a confident smile on his face.

"I'm going to be sad to see this year end but I'm pretty excited for what's to come." This year really had been a year of ups and downs. She lost her father, then lost her boyfriend, she moved somewhere new all on her own, she made some amazing new friends and she fell in love with the most amazing woman she had ever met.

"Well," he said with a sly grin, "there is a tradition around here."

"What's that?" She asked, scanning the crowd and again seeing no sign of the brunette and her side braids anywhere.

"Kissing someone at midnight is a sign of good luck and fortune in the upcoming year." He moved a little closer and Clarke found herself stepping even further back.

"Well I think I'm just going to have to make my own luck and fortune then." She gave him a small smile, hoping he would just take the hint. There was no way in hell she was letting another cafeteria moment happen right before her twentieth birthday and of the new year.

Bellamy's grin faltered slightly. "Come on, Clarke. We are both single, we're both attractive, I think this could be a good year for us. We may as well start it enjoying it. And I would really like to kiss you tonight."

"One minute!" She heard someone shout from across the room.

"Bell," she sighed, "you and me aren't going to happen. You're a great guy, really, but I think I may be in love with someone else."

His smile did fall then, he almost seemed a little angry. "Then where are they?"

"Ten!" She looked around, nothing.

"Nine!" Bellamy inched forward.

"Eight!" Lincoln and Octavia were hugging and looking lovingly into each others' eyes.

"Seven!" Raven walked out of the apartment and into the hallway.

"Six!" A flash of brunette hair ran past Raven and into the apartment.

"Five!" Green eyes were searching frantically.

"Four!" Their eyes met from across the room.

"Three!" Lexa was pushing past anyone in her way, only inches from Clarke as if it were happening in slow motion.

"Two!" Lexa flashed Bellamy this victoriously smug grin before wedging herself between the boy and her girlfriend.

"One!" Lexa pulled her forward and Clarke could feel her eyes widen.

The new year started with a kiss. A kiss in a crowd full of people who kissed and hugged and screamed "Happy New Year!", none of which lasted nearly as long as the passionate kiss that Lexa had pulled Clarke into.

Lexa's left hand wrapped around her waist pulling her body flush against hers as her right hand held her face. Clarke stood frozen for a split second before holding onto the arm at her waist and her other hand wrapping around her neck. Clarke could hear the fireworks but she didn't know if they were the ones being shot off outside or if they were from the searing kiss that was making her weak in the knees.

It wasn't until she heard a gasp from beside her that she remembered that they were in a room full of people that weren't supposed to see them together. She pulled her lips away instantly but Lexa's hands held firmly, keeping the blonde in her grasp.

"Lexa," she warned but the brunette's smile was burning, enveloping her entire face.

"Happy Birthday, Clarke and-"

Clarke cut her off, her tone low, "People can see us!" She tried to move away but Lexa held tighter.

Her smile was unfaltering. "I don't care if they see-"

"Lex-"

"I don't care if they see me kissing the woman I love."

Clarke stopped struggling and for a moment she stopped breathing, her bodily functions failing in that moment in time as she tried to comprehend what it was Lexa had just said. In that moment she played back those last two words over and over again. And a part of her realized that every eye in the room was now on them, watching the scene unfolding but she couldn't concentrate on them. All she could concentrate on where green eyes, sparking brightly as they stared down at her.

"What did you say?" she found herself asking, half expecting her hearing to have been imprecise and for the brunette to correct her out of control imagination. Instead Lexa laughed.

"I love you, Clarke." She was speaking loud enough for everyone to hear, though to be fair, someone had turned off the music and the soccer players around them were starring slack jawed at the two girls which just made everyone else go quiet and crane their heads, eager to see what the fuss was about. Clarke was sure that a pin being dropped could probably be heard for miles. And it appeared that the brunette hadn't just planned on saying those four words, she apparently had planned a speech.

"Before I met you, Clarke, I was surviving each and every day but that's all I was doing, that's all I thought life could be. And then you walked into my life and I realized that life was about more than just surviving. It was about living in the moment and letting go of the things in our past that haunt us. It's about celebrating those that have touched our lives and being more open to the idea of sharing ourselves with others."

Clarke could feel the tears forming behind her eyes as she attempted not to cry, but Lexa's thumbs were tracing across her cheeks anyway. "And it's more than that. It's how colors seem brighter when you enter a room. It's how I find myself telling you things I thought I would never tell anyone. It's how I find myself smiling to the point of pain watching you hug Aden. It's how I'm so fucking happy that it almost hurts.

"My sister jokingly asked me over Thanksgiving what I would do if I had to choose between you and soccer. I didn't answer her, not because I didn't know the answer, but because the answer scared the shit out of me. It's you, Clarke. A part of me thinks that even before I met you, it was you. It has always been you. So, no, I don't care that people can see me. I don't care what it costs. I love you, Clarke Griffin, and I will not spend one more minute pretending that I don't."

And then Clarke's world exploded into light as Lexa, the girl who just declared her love for her, kissed her right in front of everyone. She could taste the whiskey on Lexa's lips mixing with the salt of her own tears as cheering rang out around them. Catcalls and whistles vibrating throughout the room.

"About damn time!" She heard as they pulled apart and Clarke was sure she would have thrown Indra a glare at her comment had she not been so busy smiling into wonderful green eyes that felt so much like home that it hurt.

"I love you, too, Lex," she breathed, the words lifting a weight off her shoulders, making her feel lighter than air. And the smile that Lexa gave her before kissing her softly made her feel as if she were floating away.

"Happy Birthday, Clarke."

"Happy New Year, Lex."

And the new year started out even better than Clarke could have imagined with the girl she loved hugging her from behind and laughing beside her ear as they talked to people at the party who wished them both congratulations. And if they weren't hugging, they were holding hands, or sitting on each others' laps. Perhaps tomorrow they would tone down their public displays of affection. But today? Today there was nothing that could keep either of them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They said it! They finally said it!
> 
> And now we know about Harper and Raven and how they came to be. I know a lot of you ship Raven and Anya but that just wouldn't work in this story. Aden has a happy little family that I refuse to break up. But Raven still deserves a good love interest. So we will be seeing more of Raven and Harper (Haven) in the future.
> 
> I'm thinking that the next update will be on Tuesday. Hopefully I can keep up this twice a week pace. Thanks for all the comments last chapter. You guys know what to do! And for those celebrating Independence Day on Monday, try not to blow up any of your fingers with fireworks! I'm a little pyro myself so I'll probably light off several boxes of sparklers all on my own...


	38. Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 37 Recap:  
> They finally said it! They finally told each other that they loved each other and it was dramatic and confession filled!
> 
> \---
> 
> Warning, there is smut in this chapter and it's in the beginning of the chapter. If smut is not your thing, feel free to move onto the second third of this chapter.

Cold air licked at the skin of her bare arms, the floor like ice beneath her feet as she leaned against the doorway of the bathroom with her arms crossed as she watched the sleeping goddess sprawled out across her bed.

Lexa couldn't keep the wide smile off of her face as she contentedly took in the sight before her, her heart beating thunderously inside of her chest. Only eight hours ago she had confessed her love to the blonde before her and by some miracle, Clarke had said it back.

I love you. Those three words danced in the air around her, electrifying everything in her atmosphere. How could three small words affect her so ardently? It was as if there was nothing that existed beyond the woman before her and the happiness that Lexa felt. She felt invincible as if she could take on the world and there was absolutely nothing that could stop her.

Memories of the night before, or rather that early morning, flashed in her mind. There was Clarke's back pressed against her chest as Lexa held her around her waist as they talked to Monroe about the pre-calculus class that Roe and Clarke had enrolled in together next semester. Clarke sat on her lap with her hands around Lexa's neck as they laughed at the blonde's friend Jasper going on and on about how the light of the candle moved about the room, clearly high off his ass. Their hands were entwined together as they talked to people separately, Clarke to Lincoln and Lexa to Raven, neither girl allowing themselves to drift apart.

And then there was the dancing. If their midnight kiss got them catcalling, the amount of people whistling and jeering increased ten fold as they danced together to _This Is What You Came For_. Clarke's ass ground into her crotch. Lexa's hand moved across the swell of her hips, pulling her deeper into her so that she could lean down and kiss the back of her neck. Then Clarke turned and was grinding against her thigh and Lexa had pulled her into a slow and sensual kiss. Octavia had then drunkenly wedged herself between them and demanded that they get a room which only served to make Clarke pout and everyone else to laugh.

It was this memory that began to pull at Lexa's core as Clarke moved, throwing the covers off her legs to reveal cream thighs below tight boy short underwear. She couldn't stop her own legs from moving forward as she slowly approached the girl, desperate to have the one thing denied to her last night when they had both passed out blissfully in bed, too tired to do anything more than sleep.

She was slow as she kissed her way up Clarke's calves, up the side of her knee, sucking softly on the blonde's soft thighs just waiting for the birthday girl to wake from her slumber. At first the signs were subtle. Slow, even breathing became erratic. There was mumbling coming from her lips, incoherent but more like moaning than sleep talk. It wasn't until the girl moaned her name that Lexa allowed herself to get close to what it was she wanted.

She could smell the desire pulling her forward, sweet and a little but of musk, clouding her mind in a dizzying fog. She trailed high up her thigh with the flat of her tongue, taking small nips along the way, all the while the blonde above her made approving moans, growing more awake by the second.

Even though she had known it was there when she had started her trek, Lexa felt offended as she was greeted by the dark blue fabric denying her entrance to the one place she wanted most. With a growl, she nipped softly at the cotton and skin below causing the blonde to thrust her hip upwards and into Lexa's face, her nose pushing into the fabric and soft area below her hip line. Even now she could feel how worked up the blonde was, the dampness of the fabric evident against her chin. Either Clarke was highly responsive this morning or she had been having very good dreams.

Hands that weren't her own were pushing down at the waistband of the fabric, trying desperately to remove the garment keeping Lexa's tongue from being against delicious skin. "Off!" the woman above her husked, awake enough to make the demand but not enough to form an actual sentence. The brunette let out a throaty laugh before eagerly complying to the command.

With the underwear removed she began to kiss her way back up Clarke's legs, even slower this time than the last which just caused an ardent groan to fill the air around them. "Lex," the girl complained between gritted teeth.

"Patient, Clarke," the brunette demanded as she sunk her teeth into the velvet skin of her inner thigh, sucking greedily with every intention of leaving a mark. She wanted her lover to see this bruise and remember exactly how she got it - with her girlfriend's head between her thighs. Only when she was satisfied with the deep coloring did she finally give into the blonde's request.

It was warm and wet, sweet and salty, Clarke's desire coating thick against her tongue. She moved swiftly against the folds moving up and down, swirling around, but avoiding the bundle of nerves where she knew the blonde wanted her most. There was a soft cry as she felt cool fingers tangle themselves into the hair at the crown of her head, pushing softly as hips thrust upwards, trying to force her to exactly where she was avoiding.

"Stop teasing me, Lex." Her voice was husky and raw, a mixture of sleep and lust and it made the heat between Lexa's legs burn deeper.

Lexa thought about pulling away and telling the blonde that she didn't know what she was talking about. She thought about making the blonde wait even longer for not following her heed of being patient. But it was the girl's birthday after all. That and Lexa really didn't want to wait anymore herself.

She pulled the clit into her mouth and began sucking on it softly, softly nipping at and rolling the flesh between her teeth as Clarke began moaning loudly. "Oh God, Lex, yes!" She released the sensitive area and began swirling against it with her tongue, the hand in her hair gripping tighter as hips attempted to thrust forward against the arm now holding it back.

Her free hand acted almost on its own, as it it were desperate to touch. Two fingers slid easily into her girlfriend who let out a muffled cry, not nearly as loud as she normally was. Lexa raised her eyes to see Clarke biting into a pillow, desperately trying to keep quiet for the people who still resided inside the apartment, the walls and pillow being the only things preventing them from being awoken by sex filled screams. The muffled sound only drove Lexa further, desperate to have her name ring out around the apartment's walls. Call it ego, call it hubris, call it territorial. She didn't care, she was desperate to hear it.

She could already feel the pressure against her fingers as she pushed in a third, curling skillfully upward into the blonde's inner wall causing her to scream a little louder, the pillow escaping the captivity of her mouth.

She helped her girlfriend ride out the first orgasm with soft strokes and gentle licks before pushing further and faster, plunging the blonde into a second. "Lex! Oh God, Lex, don't stop!" was follows quickly by "Right there!" The words propelled her forward as she quickened the pace with her fingers, going softer with her tongue, not wanting to be too rough on the sensitive area against her mouth.

Clarke's body shuddered and her legs began to spastically shake momentarily as she came down from her second high, moaning and groaning. And Lexa found that she couldn't get enough. She could spend hours between these legs and have no desire to ever leave. If she could, she would quit all the distractions she had in life and choose to just reside right here.

So she went in for a third before the hand in her hair began to tug upward, breaking the seal her mouth had made against her girlfriend's center. "Too sensitive," she heard between gasped breath as she looked up into blue eyes, several shades darker than they normally were, filled with the kindness and love that had been whispered into her ears only hours before.

Lexa nodded before beginning a trail of kisses up the blonde's flat stomach, between the valley of her breasts that her hands began to softly knead against before pressing up her smooth neck and nipping at the base of her jaw.

"Happy Birthday, niron."

The blonde pulled her into a soft kiss, growing more thick with desire the more the blonde tasted herself against the brunette's tongue and lips. And Lexa responded with the same force, her hands kneading a little more firmly against her chest.

"This has to be the best birthday ever," she said against her lips, smiles overtaking both girls' faces.

"Your birthday only just started," Lexa pointedly reminded her which just caused Clarke to laugh. The sound filled the brunette with sheer joy and happiness. She was certain that she could be happy the rest of her life just as long as she got to hear the girl's laugh. Oh God, she was turning into a helpless romantic sap.

"I'd be more than happy spending the rest of the day in bed with you, babe."

Lexa smiled and gave her a quick kiss before attempting to detach herself from the girl below her. "Let me make breakfast first," she suggested, but the blonde sat up, trying to pull her back into bed.

"I could think of something I'd rather put in my mouth more," Clarke said with a suggestive tone that made Lexa shiver. But she shook her head and weaseled out of her girlfriend's grasp, much to her displeasure.

Lexa laughed, a smug grin taking over. "I'm sure our guests will be hungry soon."

"Our guests?" Clarke asked confused before a moment of recognition filled her eyes.

Raven and Harper had stayed the night, though they fell asleep on separate couches, still unsure of where their relationship stood. But Lexa had a feeling that it wouldn't take the two long to figure it out now that the damns of feelings had finally been opened.

"Yes," Lexa said, feeling even more smug, "and I'm sure that your screaming my name probably woke up the entire apartment."

Clarke's cheeks flashed red as she gave a glare in her direction. It only served to add in Lexa's haughtiness. "You did that on purpose," the blonde proclaimed.

Lexa looked at her and smiled. "I don't know what you mean, love."

The last word seemed to pull the sourness out of the girl's face and replaced it with a bright smile that almost sent Lexa careening. "Yes you do. And for your insolence, I demand waffles and coffee."

Waffles and coffee. Lexa smiled. She had bought everything to make waffles the day before, knowing full well what Clarke preferred to eat after late night parties and drinking. Lexa gave the girl an exaggerated bow. "As you wish," she said.

Then the blonde was on her feet, pulling her into another kiss. "I love you, Lex," was murmured softly, like a prayer against her lips. And Lexa's heart felt as if it were doing summersaults inside of her chest.

"I love you more," Lexa argued which only caused Clarke to laugh and pull away, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Maybe, but as soon as you make me waffles that statement will become entirely untrue."

With that Lexa departed her room with a soft kiss as she made her way to the kitchen to begin Clarke's full day birthday celebration.

\----------

"I couldn't have another bite!" Harper groaned as she slouched back against her chair and hung her head over the back rest as if praying for a food coma to overtake her. The girl had eaten three waffles, plain much to the confusion of the blonde midfielder.

Clarke on the other hand was working on her forth waffle slathered in whipped cream and strawberry purée, both made from scratch by her girlfriend that morning. Lexa, like Harper, had quit at three waffles, though she at least had the common sense to add a little syrup to hers. Having waffles without anything on them was just plain wrong.

"That's good," Octavia muttered, "because the birthday girl isn't really saving any for the rest of us."

Octavia was wearing a dark pair of sunglasses as she had her arm slung around Raven's shoulder, leaning into her best friend as if the room in her vision was still spinning. By the end of the night she had consumed one or two drinks too many and Clarke was certain that Lincoln likely spent the evening holding his girlfriend's hair back. Her boyfriend was the only one who was currently matching Clarke's waffle count, topping his own with whipped cream and syrup. Octavia had stared at his overly sweet waffles with a perplexed look of disdain. She was instead picking at pieces of Raven's waffles which had been prepared just like Lexa's.

Indra snorted. "Of course she's packing it in. Her breakfasts don't consist of any protein and instead are made using items found only in the sugar themed food pyramid. I miss the days when Lexa would make omelets and asparagus."

"Asparagus?" Raven asked with an upturned lip. "Vegetables don't belong in breakfast."

"And definitely not in my birthday breakfast," Clarke agreed with a nod.

"I'm surprised that the Commander didn't eat more," Lincoln said with a shrug which pulled a confused look out of the brunette.

"Why's that?"

It was Octavia who answered, her hangover not affecting her snarkyness in the least bit. "Because it sounded like you worked up an appetite from your strenuous activity this morning."

Clarke could feel herself beginning to blush as she went to tell her friend to shut up but Lexa responded much faster than she could with a remark that made her pink cheeks become rose red.

"Actually, that's why I didn't have to eat much. I already had a snack this morning."

Raven who was mid drink, spit out her coffee, nearly choking between her spurts of laughter. "I swear," she said in between laughs, "Commander Heart Eyes is by far my favorite person!"

The smug smile on Lexa's face dropped. "Commander Heart Eyes?" She asked with a flat tone, clearly annoyed by the ridiculous nickname. Clarke on the other hand turned to look at her girlfriend and then back to her roommate.

"You're right, Ray. She does have heart eyes these days."

"I do not!" Lexa exclaimed shooting her this horrified look.

"You kinda do, Fos."

"Shof op, Indra," Lexa glowered, folding her arms over her chest before falling back into her seat.

"Well I for one think it's cute," Clarke said as she placed her hand on her girlfriend's thigh and leaned in to give her a soft kiss. The flavor of maple coated her lips and she let her tongue swiftly slip out of her mouth to run itself against the brunette's bottom lip to take in even more of the flavor. The taste of Lexa mixed with pure sugar was delectable and Clarke knew she could likely find herself addicted to it.

"I don't want to be cute," she pouted against her lips in a whisper which, if Clarke had to be honest, was really kind of cute.

"And sexy." She added with another kiss, the brunette now smiling into it.

"Damn straight," she said a little louder causing Raven to snort as Clarke returned to her waffles, the hand she placed on her girlfriend's thigh remained right where she left it.

"There is nothing straight about you, Woods."

"From your lips to the ears of the gods!" Lexa responded jovially as she raised her coffee mug towards Clarke's roommate.

"Could you maybe not be so loud?" Octavia groaned, digging her head into Raven's neck. Clarke couldn't help but notice the way Harper looked away from them, her grip dangerously tight on her coffee mug.

"Serves you right for challenging my girlfriend to a shots contest," Clarke jeered and Lexa beamed beside her. She had no idea how it was that Lexa managed to wake up this morning without her own hangover.

"She's a fucking cheat," the sophomore grumbled below her breath.

"I prefer to think of myself as wise," Lexa taunted. "After four shots you were clearly several sheets to the wind. It wasn't my fault you didn't realize that I stopped actually taking my shots." And that is how the contest had progressed, with Octavia continuing to take shots and slurring insults at the Commander who would lift up her shot glass but never actually took a drink. After Clarke's morning thus far, she was really glad that she hadn't.

"So what's on the agenda?" Clarke asked her girlfriend who just gave her a small grin.

"We should probably head out of here in about two hours," was all she said. Clarke had tried to get her plans for the day out of her all morning but the brunette would not budge and neither would her friends. She began to wonder if she had refused to let them in on the secret as well.

"And we," Raven said motioning the the rest of the group, "will not be joining you so we are doing presents now!"

The mischievous smirk on her roommate's face made her nervous as she wearily eyed the presents. She figured most of them would be actual presents but she in no way trusted her best friend.

Octavia and Lincoln had given her several nice blouses, the brunette claiming that Clarke needed to spend more time wearing nice things as opposed to t-shirts. After all, she did now have a girlfriend to try and keep interested. Lexa had scoffed at the idea and told them they were ridiculous. But the low neckline of one of the shirts did seem to make her girlfriend bite her lip.

Harper had gone with practicality and had gotten her a new pair of shin guards and several pair of soccer socks, all of which she had been complaining about needing over the last month.

She held Indra's gift and inspected the wrapping. She could feel through the paper that the gift was a book of some sort and Raven teased the older girl that she didn't quite understand the concepts of gifts. Who would want study material for their birthday? But the minute she tore off the paper and read the cover of the book, the grin on her face increased two fold and her girlfriend beside her groaned.

"Now you have the means to answer that question you asked me a few weeks ago," Indra said with a shrug, though Clarke could see her fighting a smile.

"Why are you so happy about a book?" But the blonde was flipping through the pages, ignoring her roommate's question. Indra responded instead.

"It translates words from Trigedasleng to English."

"Oh my god!" Raven exclaimed. "Clarke, what does the Commander scream in bed?" At this even Octavia straightened, leaning towards the birthday girl across the table.

But Clarke waved the two of them off as her finger traced down the list of N's. She could feel Lexa place a kiss on her shoulder as she studied the word that Clarke was looking for before Clarke felt her smiling into her skin.

Niron. It was the word Lexa had been calling her for nearly three weeks now. She had wanted to ask what it had meant but never had. When she finally found the word her heart constricted. She remembered the happiness that washed over her this morning when Lexa had referred to her as "love". She thought that there was no sound more beautiful and she could hardly believe that it was true, that Lexa was standing there calling the blonde her love. And yet the brunette had been calling her that for three weeks, and calling her it often.

"You've been calling me this for weeks," Clarke said softly as she turned her head to find loving green eyes sparking back in her direction.

"Ai hod yu in, Klark," was all she said. But as Clarke turned back to the book and began thumbing through the pages, long slender fingers fell onto hers and stilled her movements. "I love you, Clarke," she translated. And Clarke couldn't help but pull her into a slow, passionate kiss.

"Okay, you two are absolutely disgusting."

"I agree," Indra supplied after Raven causing the two to pull apart, their toothy grins telling.

"You saved the best for last!" Raven continued, thrusting a bag in the blonde's direction who took it apprehensively, swallowing down the uncertain feeling in her throat. She slowly tore away at the tissue paper. Inside there was a swirl of rainbow colors as she pulled out the plastic wrapped object, immediately wishing that she had left it in the bag. Especially as Octavia began to join Raven and Harper into a roar of laughter.

"I'm going to look ridiculous wearing that," Lexa mused as she rubbed her chin, studying the object that the package was claiming was seven inches.

"A rainbow colored dildo? Really, Raven?" Clarke choked out the question, her face entirely red as she tried to ignore Lexa's comment. She could not deal with the image of Lexa thrusting into her with the colorful silicon sex toy. "I don't need this," she grit through ground teeth.

"You don't?" Raven asked with an amused smile.

"My sex life is just fine without it," and she went to hand it back to her friend who looked slightly disappointed before slender fingers pulled the object away from them both.

"Now, now, there's no need to be making any rash decisions." This seemed to destroy the look of disappointment on her roommate's face who was now grinning from ear to ear, much like the Cheshire Cat.

"Really, Lex?" Clarke was trying to not look at her girlfriend who was holding the toy in her hand and examining it closer.

"Do you have a harness to fit that?" Raven asked with her arms crossed, clearly way too pleased with herself.

"I do, actually." Clarke immediately whipped her head around to look at her girlfriend who actually looked a little excited, causing the fire she had been containing to rage between her thighs. Now it was impossible to not envision her girlfriend situated with her hips between the blonde's thighs, thrusting in an out of her with a look of feral desire in her eyes.

"Honestly, Reyes," Indra said as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Griffin is loud enough with them adding that _thing_ to their routine."

"Did I not buy you customized ear plugs for Christmas?" Lexa asked the woman with a sparkle in her eye as Clarke reached out to punch her girlfriend on the arm. "Sorry, niron," she then said sheepishly as Clarke tried to shake the redness out of her face.

"You'll be thanking me later," Raven finally concluded and while Clarke couldn't really deny that, she wasn't going to admit it either.

"Thank you, Reyes," Lexa said as both girls smiled at one another causing Clarke to reach over and land another punch into her girlfriend's arm.

\----------

"I never thought I would see the day," Clarke said with a laugh. "It appears that the mighty Commander isn't good at everything she does!"

Lexa shot a small glare in her girlfriend's direction, trying not to smile at the small amount of green paint smudged onto the blonde's nose. The brunette wasn't sure who was enjoying this birthday gift more, her or Clarke.

They had started off the late morning with a trip to an art museum that Clarke had mentioned wanting to go to about a month ago. They had walked through the exhibits as Clarke began to explain to her about things like technique and brush strokes. In truth, it was all beyond Lexa but she enjoyed the excitement and ferocity on the blonde's face every time she moved on to a new painting, a different artist.

After the museum they went to a little cafe to have some coffee and pastries as Lexa tried to kill time until their next appointment, a studio class where everyone was served wine and given paint, canvas and an object to paint. It was a simple bowl of fruit beside a vase filled with daisies.

She found that she rather enjoyed watching the blonde work. It was the way her eyebrows furrowed together as she attempted to draw a curve just right, and the way her tongue poked out of her mouth as it was wedged between her teeth, and more so than that it was the way she smiled when the painting began to come together. Clarke's painting looked very much like the objects in front of them, a shine sparking off the green apple in the bowl looking real enough to actually eat. Her painting on the other hand...

"It's not that bad," Lexa lied, closing one eye to squint at her painting with the other causing her girlfriend to laugh and place a kiss against her temple.

"I guess if you squint like that, the orange oval sort of looks like an orange," Clarke offered with a grin.

Lexa laughed. "Well you're going to have to do some squinting because I painted this wonderful masterpiece just for you."

"I'll treasure it forever," she said, no trace of sarcasm in her voice.

Lexa gave her a disbelieving look. "I'm kidding, Clarke. This monstrosity-"

"Is perfect," she offered, leaning in to kiss her. And Lexa sighed completely content. They say that love is blind and if Clarke thought this painting was anything except disastrous then it most definitely had to be love.

When they reached her apartment the house smelled of pasta and cheese, a large dish of four cheese macaroni covered in breadcrumbs sat waiting for them at the table. She watched pleased at the excitement in her girlfriend's eyes.

"You have the taste buds of a teenage boy," Lexa said, rolling her eyes with a large grin on her face.

"It goes well with your teenage boy sex drive," the blonde shot back with a laugh. The brunette really couldn't argue there. There was a voice in the back of her head suggesting that they skip dinner all together and she try and convince her girlfriend to let her take her new gift for a spin. But she held back much to the voice's disappointment.

"Actually, before we eat, I wanted to give you your gift." Lexa immediately felt nervous to reveal the gift to Clarke, the gift that she had put together after sending the blonde out of the apartment with Raven the day before.

Clarke gave her a confused look. "Lex, you've given me way too much already. I couldn't accept another gift." She looked a bit overwhelmed but Lexa couldn't help herself. It was the first of Clarke's birthdays that they had spent together and she wanted to make everything perfect. So she had probably gone a bit overboard but there really wasn't any undoing the gift now.

"At least look at it and if it's too much, I'll take it back." She didn't wait for the blonde's answer and instead walked into the direction of her spare bedroom, pulling a key from her pocket.

"Is this why the room was locked last night?" Clarke asked suddenly sounding extremely curious. But Lexa couldn't answer, it was taking everything in her to keep her hands from shaking as she unlocked the door. If Clarke had thought that her other gifts were extravagant then this one was going to be over the top. It was going to be too much.

She thought about saying that it was a joke and not opening the door. Maybe she could have someone come in when they were at practice tomorrow to undo the work that had been done. But before she could second guess herself the key had turned, the door was opened and Clarke was walking through the door. She wasn't sure how to perceive the blonde's audible gasp.

The bedroom had once had a large bed in the center and wood drawers for clothing followed by a long couch along the side wall. The room had been rearranged and now looked nothing like it did before. There was still a bed, though smaller pushed into the right side of the room, the long sofa replaced by a comfy looking chair in the corner across from the bed, but it was the left side of the room that Clarke was starting at wide eyed.

The entire left side of the wall was painted black in a material that changed the wall into a chalk board. The words "Happy Birthday, Clarke," were written in a light blue, Lexa's handwriting flowed beautifully. An easel was setup in front of the wall with a large blank canvas atop of it and multiple others leaning against the wall. A shelf ran all along the wall filled with every paint source imaginable. There were water paints, oil paints, charcoal. Everything the artistic designer suggested Lexa had said yes to and she had asked for the finest materials the woman could get in four days time. She had even sent in a team of four designers to get everything put together yesterday afternoon.

Lexa watched as Clarke ran her fingers across the paints, pulling on a drawer to reveal dozens of paint brushes at her disposal. But the longer she went without saying a word, the more Lexa began to freak out that this was too much.

She had kept the bed and one of the drawers so it wasn't like she had completely given up this room as a guest room, it's just that the blonde had looked so lovingly and proudly at the painting she had made Lexa for Christmas that Lexa wanted to give her something that she could use, that would make her happy. And it seemed to her that painting made her happy. And it wasn't as if she didn't have the space, she had this room. And it wasn't as if she didn't have the money, her bank account would hardly know the difference.

"It's too much," Lexa said, sounding as defeated as she felt as she turned her face away from the blonde's back. Why hadn't she just went with her first instinct and pretended that this last gift hadn't actually existed?

"It's definitely too much," Clarke said finally but it was the choked sound of her voice that made Lexa look up to see the tears falling down her cheeks. "I could never repay a gift like this, Lex. I don't have enough to give."

Lexa didn't hesitate to pull the blonde in her arms. She could feel Clarke's hands gripping the material of her gray button up tightly, her head pressing into the crook of Lexa's neck. And then she couldn't help it, the brunette found herself laughing.

Clarke pulled back and watched her with a confused look on her face. "Clarke, that is by far the most absurd thing I have ever heard. Not having enough to give? Niron, you've already given me so much more! It is I that could never repay you." She didn't mean with money. Since Titus had come into their lives, money was a thing that she never had to worry about. She knew that made her lucky, but even before they had money, it was not something that she thought much about.

"Thanks to you, my relationship with Anya is better than it has been in over six years. We can talk about things that she had been afraid to talk to me about before. She called me yesterday, you know? And we talked about our mom and how she loved New Years Day. And Anya actually began to cry as she talked about the large breakfast ham she would cook every New Years morning without fail."

She shook her head, trying desperately not to cry herself. "I wasn't the only one that lost her. Anya lost her too and I was never able to see that before. I was so caught up in my guilt, in my sadness, that I couldn't see that she needed me. And it's six years late, but I can be that person now. We can lean on each other and we can grow and without you, Clarke, that conversation would have never happened."

She gestured around the room. "So, yes, this is a lot. But you don't get to stand here and think that you are undeserving of it. If I handed you the entire world on a platter, it would never be enough."

"I'm not better than you, Lex. One of us does not deserve more than the other," Clarke said with conviction, staring deep into her eyes as if to let her know she meant it.

"I'm not saying that." Lexa sighed, unsure of how to explain what it was she was feeling. "I've been blessed with so much and it gives me the ability to dote on you more than most. I'm not expecting extravagant gifts in return, I have more than enough stuff. All I'm saying is that I want to make you happy. And if drawing makes you happy, I would be honored to have you be happy here."

Blue eyes moved back and forth as they searched for answers within her own eyes before Lexa felt hands at her neck, pulling her down into a kiss filled with passion, love and gratitude. "I absolutely love this room," she admitted finally, allowing Lexa to finally take in a deep breath. "I can teach Aden how to paint here."

The thought made Lexa smile wider. Ever since he had laid eyes on the painting Clarke had made of the two of them he had bombarded the blonde with requests to teach him how to draw just like she did. And Anya had said the day before that she had found him drawing all over one of her notepads, an activity he never had much interest in before.

"He would love that. I would love that." They smiled at each other and lost themselves in another kiss. When Lexa finally pulled away with a sigh she said, "Our dinner is going to get cold."

But the blonde gave her a devilish grin. "Let it. I think I would much rather spend the next few hours showing my amazing girlfriend just how much I love this room and how much I love her." Then she took Lexa by the hand and the brunette could feel a tightness in her stomach as she allowed herself to be led back to her bedroom.

\----------

Lexa watched as Clarke slept in her bed, a smile strewn across the sleeping girl's lips, only half an hour before her alarm clock was set to go off. Lexa gave herself a small, grave smile before sighing and looking back at the note in her hand that she had written the day before while Clarke was getting ready.

She had been the captain of every game she had played in, for the exception of one, since her junior year in high school. And that game had been her first game played in college where the reigning captain had broken her ankle and the arm band was passed to her much to everyone's amazement. She wasn't even sure she understood it herself.

But in just over an hour she was going to walk into her coach's office and tell her that she was dating Clarke Griffin, the junior most member of her team. And though she knew that her girlfriend had hope, Lexa knew that she was finally going to have to hand over her armband to someone else.

She didn't regret this decision. If she had to do it all over again, she would choose Clarke every time. But that didn't mean that a heaviness didn't sit on her chest. It was one of the last things her mother had said in that car before she died, the expectation she had to see her daughter become captain of her high school soccer team. It was a dream that her mom never had the chance to see come into reality. But Lexa knew deep down that her mother would have approved of the choice she was making now and it made it a little more easy to bear.

Clarke had offered to go with her to talk to their coach and Lexa hadn't given her an answer. She knew that the blonde expected to be in that room but Lexa couldn't take the thought of it. This was the one thing she knew Clarke did not want to ask of her, the one thing she didn't ask of her. And the decision was Lexa's and Lexa's alone.

So with one final sigh she placed the note on her pillow and walked out of the room, where Indra stood there waiting.

"You will always be Heda to me," she offered with a small nod.

"Mochof, Indra."

It was all she could think to say. Both girls understood that the things they desired most always came with a cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally coming to the time where we find out what consequences await Lexa for falling in love with a member of her soccer team. There is a little bit of foreboding at the end of this chapter to help segue into the next one which I'm going to try and have posted sometime between Friday and Saturday. As I've been planning this chapter and the next, they have both been easier to write. I'm hoping my writer's block doesn't come back.
> 
> I hope you all you Americans had a good Independence Day. I know I enjoyed having the day off of work. And I was pretty stoked that my weekend was chalked full of soccer, though the Germany game pretty much gave me a complete heart attack. I mean who misses that many PKs at the end of a game and still manages to win?! I'm waiting to receive a complaint from my home owner's association because the amount of time I screamed "Fuck!" and "Are you fucking shitting me?!" and multiple other inappropriate phrases was high. 
> 
> Thanks for all of the comments last chapter. It was one of the most commented chapter I have posted and it pretty much propelled me to write this weekend when I felt like sleeping instead. You guys are amazing!


	39. I Am Not the Commander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 38 Recap:  
> It was Clarke's birthday and the chapter ended with Lexa going to talk to their coach.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I know that I left you guys hanging at the end of the last chapter. I hope you don't begin to instantly hate me for this one! It's just a small taste of things to come!

An uneasiness washed over her and she couldn't quite explain why. It could have been that she woke up in an empty bed beside cold sheets and not with Lexa's arms wrapped around her, holding onto her chest the way she had woken up the past week. It could have been the note that she found on her pillow that didn't answer any questions about where her girlfriend had run off to this morning. Or it could have been something else entirely. All Clarke knew was that she had to leave for practice in thirty minutes and she felt as if something had already gone terribly wrong this morning.

It felt wrong having gone to bed so blissfully happy and waking up so unexplainably distraught. It was hard to concentrate enough for the blonde to even tie her shoes correctly as she kept pulling to forcefully on the knot, pulling out the end of the lace from the loop and having to tie it over and over again.

By the time she left Lexa's room she was back to reading her note once again.

_Clarke,_  
_Forgive me for not being here when you woke up but there is something that I need to take care of on my own this morning. Do not worry, everything will turn out fine, as it always does with you by my side. I have breakfast waiting for you in the fridge. Try not to be late to practice._  
_With all my love,_  
_Lex_

She was so focused on the note that she didn't see Indra sitting at the table, eating a bowl of yogurt with fruit and granola and toast. There was an extremely similar breakfast setup across from her in front of an empty chair.

"This breakfast definitely beats sugar filled bread any day of the week," Indra said with a small smile causing the blonde to jump. Clarke could see it in her face that she was attempting to lighten the mood which meant that Lexa's best friend likely knew exactly where Clarke's girlfriend was at this very moment.

But if Lexa hadn't told her, then she wasn't going to press Indra. The two of them had built up a rather friendly rapport the last few weeks and she didn't want to ruin that by asking questions that the woman was uncomfortable answering. No matter how close the two of them got, Clarke knew that she would never put her feelings and curiosities over Lexa's secrets and requests.

"If you are referring to my birthday breakfast, you are sadly mistaken. That was hands down the best breakfast meal one could ever eat." She plopped herself into the empty chair and began to slowly funnel the breakfast that Lexa had put together in her mouth. She knew the brunette had made it for fuel rather than taste, though it tasted fine. It was a stark reminder that they were back in training mode.

It was the thought of soccer, their team and their coach that seemed to begin forming a hard knot in her stomach as pieces began to slowly come together. She found herself instantly nervous, praying that Lexa hadn't gone to their coach without her. But even as she hoped it, she knew the prayer was just going to fall onto deaf ears.

"She left this morning to talk to our coach," she said it in a soft, defeated tone. It wasn't a question for Indra to answer because both girls knew that she had no reason to answer it. A moment passed and Clarke could feel an anger welling up inside of her. "How could she do that without me?" It was meant as a rhetorical question but the woman across from her answered with a tone that was a contrasting mixture of venom and understanding.

"You do not get to feel that way, Griffin."

Clarke looked up to glare at her, her anger suddenly redirected. "Like hell I don't get to feel that way. We made this decision-"

"No, you did not. This was not a shared decision in the slightest." Indra looked as if she were trying to remain calm but it was taking a lot more patience than she would have liked.

"How can you say that? This is _our_ relationship!"

But Indra just shook her head once again. "This may be _your_ relationship causing the problem, but it is _Woods'_ captaincy in question. And _she_ was the one who kissed you on New Years in front of everyone. She had to talk to Sydney on her own. It is more sincere that way. It shows that she is taking responsibility for her actions."

"Responsibility?" Clarke spat, the word sitting heavily on her chest, pushing against her heart. "We aren't doing anything to hurt anyone. There's no reason our relationship should affect Lexa's ability to lead us!" Then she had her head in her hands and was shaking her head. "What if she loses this because of me? What if she starts to hate me for it?"

Clarke didn't hear the sound of the chair moving, or feet against the wood floor so she flinched when she felt a hand on her shoulders. Clarke could tell it was meant to be comforting but the motion felt stiff as if Indra was rather uncomfortable at her own gesture.

"I know you think you know everything there is to know about Lexa because of how close you two are, but I have known her almost all of our lives, Griffin. Lexa did not make the decision to kiss you the other night on a whim. If she did it, it was because she spent days, if not weeks, deciding to do so. She has weighed every option and considered every possible outcome. And yet she went on with that long, mushy speech in front of everyone declaring her love to you."

Clarke looked up to see a small smile on the other midfielder's face. "If she introduced you to Aden and Anya then Lexa was never sitting there wondering if she would be willing to give up her captaincy for you but rather when. And if by some miracle she gets to keep it then we can all pretend none of this happened. But if she does lose command of this team? You being upset with yourself over it will just result in her feeling bad for making you upset."

Clarke felt as if it were almost unfair what Indra was asking of her but at the same time she understood. Lexa had made this decision and whatever the outcome was, she needed to stand by her girlfriend and her decision. It was then that both of their phones let out a sound, notifying them of a text message. It was from Lexa and it was sent in a group message to the entire team.

**Lexa (7:15am): We are meeting at 8am in the video conference room. Do not be late. If you don't have time to change before, you can do it after the meeting.**

"This isn't good," Clarke heard Indra sigh as they both stood up to ignore the rest of their breakfast, both eager to be by Lexa's side.

\----------

When they got to the locker room they saw the entire team standing there talking amongst themselves about their holiday breaks and what they had seen at Lexa's party, many eyes landing on her with sly smiles as Clarke entered. The only ones who didn't look like they wanted to talk at all were Octavia, Raven and Harper who immediately walked up to join Indra and Clarke with worried looks. The Commander was nowhere to be seen.

"What happened?" Harper asked in a low tone, trying to make sure no one else heard their conversation. "Did Lexa talk to Sydney this morning? Is this what this meeting is about?"

Clarke gave the blonde an uncertain look, not really sure what to say. It was Indra who spoke for her. "It's probably best if we get to the video room." And she motioned for Clarke to lead the way. Clarke understood the motion as a sign of respect and acceptance.

Clarke moved towards the room with Harper at her side and the rest of the team began to trail behind them. But when they entered, both girls stopped in their tracks. Normally Lexa would be standing in front of the room waiting for them at their coach's side. But the Commander was sitting in the back of the room, back straight and her right ankle resting on top of her left knee as she turned to give Clarke a small nod hello. Harper had stopped for another reason altogether.

"Fucking shit," she muttered under her breath just loud enough for Clarke to hear who whipped her head in the other blonde's direction. Clarke knew that Harper rarely ever cursed and the words falling from her lips alerted Clarke that something was terribly ring. She looked at Harper's hazel eyes and followed the direction of their gaze to spot on the table. The neon yellow captain's band sat on the table directly in front of their coach. Clarke felt her heart plummet into her stomach.

"Please come in," their coach said with a friendly smile but neither girl leading could return it. Under normal circumstances, the starters would sit at the front of the room but today that was not the case. Instead of funneling to the front, both girls moved to sit with their Commander, despite the yellow material taunting them from the table.

Clarke took a seat beside Lexa and went to give her a reassuring pat on the knee but the brunette shook her head slightly and gave her a pointed look which said everything. Now was not the time and here was not the place. So instead she took a seat and mirrored Lexa's posture. Harper sat beside her followed by Raven. Indra moved to sit on the other side of Lexa followed by Octavia. All followed suit and sat with straight backs, right ankles over left knees, all staring defiantly at their coach whose eyes seemed to narrow in response. Everyone else on the team funneled in as they normally would, though confused about the tension now filling the room and the location in which the top starters sat.

"What's going on?" Clarke could see Monroe mouthing to Harper who just gave her a small shake of the head before looking away from her best friend who looked a little hurt. Clarke began to wonder just how much Monroe knew about everything. It didn't seem like she knew much. Harper had been true to her word. She had promised to say nothing to anyone and it seem that included the girl's best friend.

Once everyone had settled in and the door was shut behind them Coach Sydney spoke up. "Before we start with practice today, Woods would like to say a few words."

Clarke could feel the anger welling up inside of her as Lexa stood, though her posture and demeanor told her that she was no longer looking at Lexa but at the Commander. "As most of you now know, I've started a romantic relationship with Griffin. Coach Sydney and I have discussed what this means and we have both come to the conclusion that because a romantic involvement may hinder my ability to be partial that it would be best if I stepped down as the captain of this team."

The speech was met by an uproar of voices, many of which sounded appalled at the idea while others murmured in confusion, sure that this was some sort of joke. It was the four girls in the back who surrounded the Commander that said absolutely nothing and did nothing to hide the displeasure and disgust in their features. But the Commander looked as stoic as ever as if this was a decision she had made herself, as if she actually agreed with it. But all of them knew that this decision was made by their coach and their coach alone. The anger inside of Clarke's chest grew brighter.

"You can't be serious?" Monroe's voice finally rang above everyone else's, quieting the rest of the room around her as the defender looked to the Commander for some sort of explanation. It was their coach who replied.

"We have both decided that this is what is best for the team. So it is with great pleasure that I introduce you all to your next captain, Joan Harper." Lexa took her seat as the room fell silent. Sydney picked up the arm band and tossed it towards the keeper, who caught the band in her hands, holding it as if the material weighed the same as a sack of bricks instead of only an few ounces.

Harper stroked the material between her fingers and stared at it as if it were both a tremendous gift and a hideous curse. She didn't say a word and refused to look at anyone, the whole room was staring at her, waiting for her to say something. When a minute passed in silence, their coach cleared her throat and began to speak again.

"Well, now that that's settled. Why don't we all head out to the pitch and-"

"No."

Everyone's eyes returned to their new captain who was standing and now holding the band in her hand in a tight fist, her eyes burning back at their coach. But it was Lexa who spoke, now standing once again. "Harp," she said in a pleading tone as both girls stared into each others' eyes.

Clarke could see the emotion passing between them as if they were having a silent conversation and a lengthy one at that. They stood there for about ninety seconds before the Commander let out a small smirk before giving a single nod of her head as if approving of Harper's choice.

The blonde cleared her throat. "I cannot accept the arm band," and she tossed it back to their coach.

"Of course you can," Coach Sydney began but stopped when Harper shook her head no.

"I cannot be captain for the same reason that Woods cannot be captain." All eyes looked at her in confusion for the exception of Lexa who offered her friend another small smile. Harper then took a long breath. "I'm dating Raven Reyes."

"You're what?" Two voices nearly screamed as Octavia and Monroe looked at their two best friends incredulously.

Raven on the other hand looked completely floored. Her mouth seemed to hang open as she stared at the blonde keeper standing up beside her. But it was her eyes that caught Clarke's attention. She stared at Harper in amazement and wonder as if the girl was a goddess amongst mere mortals and Clarke had to tear her eyes away, the stare appearing too intimate for her to witness, as if she were intruding on a private moment.

She had a plan to meet up with her roommate after practice to find out whether or not Raven had been able to talk to Harper on her birthday to sort out whatever it was that the two of them were going through. She still planned to do so but it made her happy to realize that the two of them would be talking in celebration.

"We're dating," Raven spoke up finally, her jaw closing so that she could let out a small smirk on her face which only dropped when she noticed the death glare that Octavia was throwing in her direction. This was her second friend who had kept their relationship a secret from her. Clarke could see that Raven regretted that immediately. But Octavia's glare, while frightening, was no match for Monroe's whose best friend was clearly avoiding looking in her direction.

Coach Sydney cleared her throat, the smile completely absent from her face as she watched the scene unravel before her as if this were a nightmare she was positive that she was going to wake up from. "It seems that our two leaders here do not understand what it means to lead a team impartially. We need a leader who understands what it means to put the team first. Indra," she paused before tossing the band in the girls direction, "I believe you can lead this team well."

Clarke couldn't see it. One second Indra was catching the band in her hands and the next Lexa was growling at her best friend, seeing something pass behind those brown eyes in that instant it took for Indra to hear her name and to catch the armband.

"Indra," she said in a tone that possessed authority, demanding not to be ignored. "Don't." It was all she said.

Indra just looked at Lexa squarely before shaking her head. "You make your choices, Heda, and I will make mine." Then she stood up with her shoulders back and her head held high as if daring her coach to defy her as she tossed the material back in their coach's direction. "While it is an honor, Coach, I must decline. I am not the Commander and frankly there is only one of us sitting in this room that deserves that title."

She didn't need to say who it was that deserved the title, everyone knew, including their coach who looked beyond livid. There was an anger filling up the depths of her eyes that Clarke fully understood because while she couldn't be more proud to be friends with Harper and Indra, she still couldn't control the anger of seeing Lexa stripped of her title.

"Indra, please," Lexa tried to reason with her friend but Indra just shook her head no in retaliation. There were many things that Indra would do for her friend, and Clarke believed that meant even taking a bullet for her given the chance. But this seemed to be the line drawn in the sand.

"Fine," Coach Sydney growled, the situation getting away from her quickly. "Blake, I would like to congratulate you on being the new captain of this team."

Octavia stood, looking just as fierce as Indra had and Clarke swore that she saw Indra flash the girl a proud smile almost as if she had trained her to be this way herself. Octavia's voice was unwavering. "While it is an honor, I must decline. I am not the Commander."

Raven stood immediately without even being asked anything by their Coach. She reached out and grabbed Harper's hand, hoisting the girl to her feet before staring at their coach defiantly and declaring. "Don't even think of asking me, Coach. I'm not giving this relationship up and I am most certainly not the Commander." And then it was chaos. One by one, everyone began standing up around the room all declaring the same thing.

"I am not the Commander."

And as each girl stood, Clarke sat in awe of the girls around her. Her girlfriend, when on the pitch, was a complete hard ass that contained little to no sympathy for even the slightest error. She spent nearly half of most practices yelling at players to be better, to do better and to sometimes remove their heads from their asses. It was not something that made her at all popular but it was in that room, as each girl stood that Clarke could finally see it.

It's not that she didn't see it in Lexa before, it's just that she didn't realize that others saw it as well. The Commander was fierce and demanding but never did she require anything out of anyone that they would be unable to fulfill. She looked at a girl on the pitch and she didn't just see what stood before her, but she saw the potential for what she could be. And she pushed and she pushed and she yelled and screamed and demanded for them to each see that greatness in themselves.

And being that type of leader was not only necessary, but it was difficult. Sure, you could come in and try to replicate the type of leadership she had modeled for you. But could you get in someone's face and demand greatness of them while they looked at you in return with nothing but disdain? Could you tear into your close friend and put the well being of the team before the well being of your friendship? Greatness was not without sacrifice and no one was more willing to sacrifice more than Lexa.

It was her relationship with Clarke that was the uncrossable boundary for the Commander, the one thing she was no longer willing to give up for the sake of the team. It spoke volumes louder than saying it ever could. She said "I love you" even better with her actions than she did her words.

The only two people left sitting were Clarke and Lexa, who looked completely stoic and void of any emotion. But as Clarke looked into her girlfriend's eyes she saw the raw emotion crying out inside of them. They spoke of being awestruck, of being honored, or being moved beyond words. It was clear then that Lexa had no idea before this very moment how her teammates viewed her. They didn't just listen to her on the field because their coach declared her in charge. They followed her because they respected her, and more so than that, they trusted her.

The room was silent before Clarke let a small grin form on her face before turning to woman at the head of the room. "I am not the Commander," she said with as much venom as she could muster, remaining seated and causing the girls around her to slowly begin returning to their seats, point clearly made.

Coach Sydney was shaking. Her face was red and her teeth were clenched so tight that Clarke began to wonder if she could possibly crack her teeth with as forceful as she was biting down on them. The room sat in this defiant silence that to Clarke felt anything but uncomfortable. In fact, if she could, she would have bathed herself in it.

"It seems," the woman spat between those still clenched teeth, "that none one you seem to agree with Woods' and my decision so for the time being we will continue on with Woods as the captain." At this people began to cheer but the Commander cleared her throat, the power of it silencing the room. "But I will need to talk to Woods, Harper, Reyes and Griffin. I would like the rest of you to go run laps in the meantime."

In the teams final act of mutiny, no one got up but instead all turned their heads to their rightful captain to await instruction. If Clarke didn't know Lexa well she would have said that the Commander looked completely un-phased by all of this. But Lexa was no stranger to Clarke and she seemed to know the brunette better than she knew herself at times. To Clarke, the Commander looked downright sanctimonious.

She cleared her throat. "Indra, take the team on the loop around campus. Make it an easy pace, it's everyone's first day back and I don't want to see anyone getting injured. We have a big game in three weeks that I need everyone prepared for."

And this time Indra did not argue or defy the Commander. Instead she stood up and said "you heard the Commander, everyone head out." Not a minute later, the room was mostly empty for the exception of their coach and the four girls involved with dating their teammates. That changed the minute their coach stood up and demanded for Harper and Raven to join her in her office leaving Clarke and Lexa alone in the video conference room.

Clarke had half a mind to tell Lexa that she was a dumbass for going to meet their coach without her when Lexa's hard exterior collapsed and the brunette immediately slouched over with her head in her hands, her entire body shaking.

"Hey, Lex, what's wrong?" she found herself asking as she wrapped her hands around the girl who was quickly beginning to fall apart before her eyes. Her heart immediately ached and she couldn't remember any of the anger that existed in her moments before. The only thing she could feel, the only thing she could think about was being there for Lexa.

"I don't know," the brunette said with a voice shaking just as much as her body was.

Perhaps the emotion of it all was just too much for the brunette to take. Or perhaps she wasn't used to receiving so much love from so many people at once. Or maybe it was the fact that the girls she fought so hard to lead were watching out for her. Whatever it was Lexa seemed unable to say anything about it and Clarke just held her closer.

"You and me, babe. We are going to get through this together. You aren't alone and by the looks of everything that just happened, you never were alone." At that Clarke could feel Lexa nodding into her chest and hear the girl intake a deep breath as if trying to inhale Clarke's scent in order to calm her.

Clarke knew that it wouldn't be long before their coach called them into her office and handed them their asses. But in this moment, none of that existed. Lexa was the captain of their team and she sat there emotionally in Clarke's arms. There was no where in the universe that Clarke would rather be.

\----------

It was the second time that day that Lexa found herself sitting in this office, in this exact chair even. Though the emotional state she had been in over an hour ago was almost night and day compared to the emotions currently ranging inside of her head.

It was hard to concentrate on any one emotion as the barrage of feelings all competed against one another to attempt to take over the forefront of her mind. There was the fear of the unknown, the swell of pride, the overwhelming sense of belonging, the tinge of not being worthy and the desperate desire to prove herself.

As she sat in front of the seething glare of her coach, Lexa lifted her chin high in the air determined to let her coach believe that nothing that had just happened phased her in the slightest. And yet she had this insatiable need to reach over and entwine her fingers between the blonde's sitting beside her who was doing anything but feigning stoicism.

Clarke's face was an open book which seems to be flickering through two emotions. The first that sat behind her eyes was a burning anger and passion almost demanding that their coach apologize for offending her. The second was the fear that was evident on the surface as she nibbled on the inside of her right lip. Lexa found herself wondering how often her girlfriend had been on the receiving end of glares by authority figures. She seemed like the kind of girl who didn't get swept up in breaking the rules and if she did, she seemed smart enough to not get caught.

No one spoke. It was as if they were all playing a game and the first one to speak lost. Her coach eyed her expectantly as if waiting for her apology. Lexa stared back, waiting for the onslaught of yelling. And Clarke sat there as if she knew that it wasn't her place to say anything at all which Lexa hadn't been expecting. It was almost as if she had accepted that this had been the Commander's choice and she was choosing to stand obediently behind it.

In the end, it was the Commander who waved the white flag knowing that it would do her no good to antagonize her coach. As it was, it appeared as if Lexa had already won the war. It was evident when not a single girl made a motion to move until the Commander herself had given the order. The team had spoken and it was her who was left standing.

"It was not my intention to undermine your authority, Coach. As you know, I was more than willing to comply with your demands." From the corner of her eye she could see Clarke's grip on her armrest tightening, the knuckles an almost translucent white. The blonde had to have known that Lexa would have never willingly decided to hand over her team, but what she had just said confirmed it. The statement made in the other room about it being a mutual decision was a necessary lie. It didn't appear her girlfriend agreed.

Coach Sydney sat back in her chair and looked over both girls as if trying to size them up, seeing them as if for the first time as more than just players on the team she was in charge of. Lexa had been the first to break and it allowed her coach the opportunity to mediate the rest of the conversation.

"Well," she began finally, her voice emotionless though Lexa could see the muscles straining in her neck. The woman may wanted to come off as unaffected, but it was clear that she was angry. "It seems that despite what I believe is best for this team, I have been overruled. If the team is fine with you two dating, then I expect you both to respect the leniency they have shown you."

Leniency? Lexa had to stop herself from cringing at the word. Yes, her team could have thrown her aside and accepted a new captain. They had every right. But it did not negate the fact that Lexa had earned this position. And there was not a person on that pitch who was willing to challenge that.

"We will," the Commander responded without an ounce of emotion. There were just some habits that were engrained in her that just would not easily fall away. And not showing weakness in front of someone who walks around proving themselves to be a threat was one of them.

Lexa went to stand and Clarke went to follow but their coach spoke again before they could leave their seats. "That isn't all." She said it with authority that demanded both girls immediately return to their seats. She tuned to see Clarke's eyes searching hers for a sign before Lexa nodded in her direction and both girls returned their asses to the seat cushions.

"You may be the captain, Woods, but this is still _my_ team and I still do not condone you dating one of the players under you. However, as there are no rules banning it, my feelings on the matter are overruled. That said, if I see either of you displaying any romantic affection towards one another in the locker room or on the pitch, I will not hesitate to bench the both of you."

Lexa could see the anger overtaking her girlfriend's features again and she looked as if she was about to outright tell their coach to fuck off. But Lexa intervened before that could happen. She did not need Clarke benched during their next home game. "We will continue to act the way we did on the field and in the locker room as we did before we came together." She looked directly into her coach's eyes as if daring her to question her with what she said next. "Which means you won't notice any difference. I will not attempt to avoid Griffin or pretend that the two of us are not friendly because we were before. You don't want to see the team dynamic change, then that means in every regard."

She could see her coach weighing her demand, unhappy with the direction that their conversation had turned and even less pleased with the small smile now on Clarke's lips. "Is this something that you can agree to, Griffin?" their coach finally asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Of course, Coach," the blonde replied and Lexa almost rolled her eyes as the condescension in the girl's voice. Had she not spent her entire morning riding an emotional roller coaster she was sure she would have wanted to laugh at the blonde's disregard for their coach's actual authority. But this was really not the time, not with all that she had been allowed to keep.

Their coach finally nodded before turning back to the Commander with a voice that was meant to sound threatening. "If this relationship begins to affect this team in any way, I will hold you personally responsible, Woods. I will not hesitate to pull you off the field." This did seem to pull the smile from her girlfriend's face as the threat sat loudly between the three of them like an always watching promise. But truth be told, Lexa wouldn't have wanted it any other way. As Commander it was her job to ensure the best environment for her team and if she could not provide that then she was not doing her job and deserved to be pulled.

"I understand."

Lexa left the room with Clarke by her side and both girls breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Lexa had woken up sure that her title would be stripped from her. And it had, for a total of forty-five minutes before it was returned to its rightful place. And for that she had to thanks the spirits above for giving her more than she had the right to ask for.

But at the same time Lexa now felt the heaviness of responsibility grow on her shoulders. Love was not weakness and she had an obligation to prove that she could be strong while being in love. And if that meant being a better leader than she was before, so be it, she would be. And with Clarke by her side, how could she ever fail? Clarke made her want to be better. And it was then that Lexa realized that it was not for Clarke that she wanted to be better, it was for herself that she wanted to be better.

Clarke elevated herself and Lexa wanted desperately to join her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it started off with angst but it ended just fine didn't it? There is no need to get out the pitchforks just yet!
> 
> So I'm pretty excited about the next chapter because we will finally get to meet Lexa's rival (who could it be?!) and it is another soccer chapter. It should be a pretty physical game where I promise at least one intentional red card and some Clarke badassery. I shouldn't be so giddy about that fact but I am. Though speaking of soccer, I am a bit depressed about that Germany game. I've been wallowing ever since the final whistle. 
> 
> So I have a pretty busy weekend ahead of me and I haven't written a single word of the next chapter so the soonest I will likely get out the next chapter will probably be Wednesday. 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on this one, I love hearing from you guys!


	40. Watch Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 40 Recap:  
> Lexa had to face the consequences of dating Clarke as she came out to her coach about their relationship.
> 
> \---
> 
> Well guys, I got this one to you a little earlier than I thought I would. It was a lot of fun to write so I really hope that you guys enjoy it. There is a little violence in this one. Hopefully y'all don't mind it too much.

"Will someone tell me why the hell I didn't just accept the captain's armband?" Octavia spat between gasped breaths with her hands on her knees as Clarke looked up at the brunette from her vantage point of being sprawled on the floor, the flavor of sweat dripping into her mouth as she pulled in whatever oxygen her lungs were capable of inhaling.

The last two and a half weeks had been pure torture on the soccer pitch. After reinstating the Commander to her full glory she put her foot on the pedal and seemed to have no interest in letting up. The lack of classes for winter break had allowed her to have two weeks chalked with two-a-days and since classes had resumed this week she seemed hell bent on getting in the intensity of both practices combined into one.

Clarke wasn't sure what it was that the team had been hoping for. Perhaps they thought that the fact that they stood up for their captain meant that she would be thankful enough to cut them slack, to ease them into it. Her being soft and understanding lasted all of one day, the day that her and Lexa walked openly out of their coach's office. And then the next day, it was the Commander with even more demand than before.

Clarke spent just as much time sleeping in her dorm room as she did at Lexa's, splitting up her nights equally. But whether she was beside the brunette or not, the result had mostly been the same. Each night ended with her passing out face down onto her bed, drained and exhausted. And it wasn't as if Lexa had faired any better. As much as she pushed her team, she seemed to be pushing herself even more.

To make matters worse, Clarke hadn't had sex since the day after her birthday after her and Lexa celebrated her reinstatement for hours after they had gotten back to Lexa's place. It had gotten bad enough that Indra had left the apartment, grabbing Clarke's keys to stay at her dorm only to find Harper and Raven tumbling between the sheets themselves. Indra had given up after that and gotten a hotel room, demanding that her best friend pay for it. And Lexa did with the most smug grin Clarke had ever seen her in.

Octavia had bailed only ten minutes after Indra had stating that her boyfriend needed to take care of her as soon as possible. She then pounded annoyingly on the door and told her and the _Commander_ to have a good time. It wasn't the sweet side of Lexa that the blonde had been calling out for.

And it wasn't as if they hadn't tried over the last two weeks, it's just that the night usually ended up with one of them falling asleep. Hell, this morning Clarke had woken up curled into Lexa's side who was sprawled across the bed, both in their jeans and t-shirts that they had worn the day before. She couldn't even find the energy to disrobe.

"You know how Woods gets when we play Azplana University," Indra said as she tried to straighten up her back, trying not to look like she was as physically spent as the rest of them. "There is no team she wants to personally beat more than them."

Raven let out a groan as she fell ungracefully onto her ass beside Clarke's legs. "At least the next two practices she'll let up."

"Why's that?" Clarke asked sounding almost desperate. She needed this statement to be true if for no other reason than her wanting to be a functional human being at the end of the day. Even spent, Clarke was unable to drown out the voice in her head demanding for release.

"She can't have us sore for the game," Octavia answered, wiping away the sweat that was threatening to fall into her eyes though the appearance of Raven made her stiffen as she refused to look in the girl's direction. It seemed that at practice she could tolerate being around her friend but as soon as the whistle blew she went back to pretending that she did not exist. Raven had spent weeks trying to talk to her, to explain why she hadn't told her about Harper but it seemed that the brunette was not ready to forgive her just yet. It was one of the reasons that Clarke was staying in her dorm room so often. She had made the decision to be a better friend.

"And we get to spend the next practice training ourselves on how to take a fall." Clarke could see Raven looking longingly towards Octavia almost pleading for her to look into her eyes and see the pain she felt not having her best friend around.

"A fall? You mean like what Lexa was training me to do when I first got here?" Clarke asked yet again trying not to involve herself in their friends' discourse. Lexa had scolded her once already after being unsuccessful in trying to rally the two together after tricking Octavia to meet up with Raven in the mess hall. Octavia didn't speak to her for two days after that.

"Azplana plays dirty," Indra spat, disgust looming behind her eyes. She was ignoring the tension present between Raven and Octavia in a way that impressed the blonde.

"Indra got ejected last year along with an Azplana defender," Octavia said with a look of longing in her eyes as if she were jealous that she was the one who hadn't been thrown off the field. But this revelation made Clarke push past her exhaustion and sit up to look more clearly at Octavia's roommate.

"You got ejected?" Clarke asked incredulously. If there was anyone that Clarke knew that could act just as reserved as her girlfriend, it had to be her girlfriend's best friend. When it came to the enemy they rarely let their emotions show.

"She elbowed Lexa in the nose," Indra said defensively.

"And Indra lowered her shoulder into her chest in retaliation," Raven said with an envious smirk, the memory seeming to pull her out of her own sadness.

"And I expect nothing of the sort from anyone on this team on Saturday." Everyone seemed to jump, even Indra, as the Commander stood behind them with her arms crossed and a visible disapproving look on her face. She was clearly unimpressed with Indra's antics last year than the rest of the team was.

"Sha, Heda," Indra said with a dip of her head though she held a scowl on her face, clearly unhappy with the Commander's request.

The Commander nodded before placing her hands behind her back and staring at the four girls who looked ready to pass out. "Let's run one more set of drills and then we'll call it a day," she said before turning away from the group. A synchronized set of groans chased after her.

\----------

"So what's with Azplana University?" Clarke asked as she shoveled another bite of chicken into her mouth, her body singing in happiness as it seemed desperate for fuel.

Lexa's hand that was absentmindedly rubbing at her back immediately stopped and even inches away Clarke could feel her girlfriend's body stiffen. The question had been sitting anxiously on Clarke's tongue since Indra had made the comment at practice. But it was Harper who responded instead of the brunette.

"I think it has more to do with their captain than it does the team, though under Nia's leadership the girls of the Ice Nation have become rather unsportsmanlike like."

At that Raven let out a huff of breath and rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. "Unsportsmanlike is too kind a word. One girl bit me last year. That's some Luis Suarez type shit right there. Octavia elbowed the girl in the throat for me though." Raven's smile began to fade as she spoke of the girl who was absent from the dinner table. As soon as she had realized that Raven was coming over for dinner she made the decision to spend the evening at Lincoln's.

Lexa groaned. "You get far too much enjoyment from everyone's acts of retaliation. We are soccer players not fucking barbarians. We don't have to resort to their level."

"Jus drein jus daun," Indra said with a shrug that just caused Lexa to shoot a glare in the girl's direction.

"This isn't war, Indra. We aren't fighting to the death against another clan. 'Blood must have blood' does not apply here."

"And yet when you stand toe to toe with Nia and her minion Ontari, it seems as if at any moment someone is going to present the both of you swords to duel it out. Let's not forget the time that the two of them jumped you when you were fifteen." At that Clarke immediately stiffened and dropped her fork onto her plate, as did Raven and Harper, neither girl having heard this story before.

But Lexa merely rolled her eyes and leaned back further into her chair as if to say that this fact was void of merit and looked to move away from the subject altogether. Her hand began to trace circles against Clarke's back once again but the blonde looked away and threw a fierce look at her girlfriend.

"Someone got the drop on the Commander?" Raven finally asked with a whistle which made Lexa glare in her direction.

The glare was followed by a huff. "It was two people and I'd recently dislocated my rotator cuff so I had one arm tied behind my back, so to speak. I mean it was technically tied in front of my body," she bemused in a slight tangent, "but that isn't how the saying goes so I digress."

"Nia walked out with a black eye and Ontari a broken nose," Indra informed with a small smirk before it dropped off her face, "but Lexa had stumbled away with a lot of bruises and a few fractures." Then she seemed to scowl at herself. "I should have been there."

"So why is it you two hate each other again?" Harper asked the question instead of Clarke who wanted to but she felt as if her mind had short circuited while she attempted to process this information. Clarke had never been in an actual fist fight. She grew up on a descent side of town and most scuffles existed between hormonal boys. Sure, her father had bought her defense lessons which she aced, but that was more so because of all the horror stories her father heard happening to women on the news.

"Bad blood," was all Lexa replied with a shrug. Then Lexa let out a small grin, "plus every time we have met in any form of competition I've bested her despite the fact that she's a year older than me. This is her last year to try and get a win against us."

"And Ontari?" Raven asked, though she seemed to spit out the name. She seemed to dislike this girl immensely.

"Follows Nia like a puppy. Her own personal guard dog." Lexa angrily laughed out. Clarke assumed that it was Ontari who had landed far more punches that one evening than Lexa would have liked. Though one punch was one too many for Clarke's liking.

"Will they try anything on Saturday?" Clarke asked, finally finding her voice.

Lexa said nothing, she just looked down at her plate and tried to avoid Clarke's stare which seemed to make the air sit thickly in her chest, making it harder to breathe. When she did answer, it made Clarke feel even more anxious. "I can fight my own battles. I've been doing it all my life. I Just need you to promise me that you won't react to them. I don't need to be worrying about you more than I already am, Clarke."

The rest of the dinner was spent in either words and phrases of no important significance or in silence. Lexa had said that it wasn't as if they were going to war. But now, somehow, it felt like they were.

\----------

There was no locker room speech. There was no Commander standing in front of her team giving them an impassioned plea. It seemed like there as no need this time around. The air in the locker room was already buzzing with electricity, a hate for the other team seemed to sit in the hearts of every girl preparing for battle.

Though she had never met them before, Clarke hated Nia and Ontari because of what they did to Lexa. It seemed like everyone else hated them because of the two games they played against AU last year. Clarke realized now just how painful this game was about to become.

She stood in the tunnel waiting to enter the field right behind Lexa who stood at the helm with her back straight and her hands behind her back looking more regal than Clarke had ever seen her. She wanted desperately to run her hands across the girls shoulders and release their tension the best she could. But she kept her hands to herself knowing: one, that Lexa wouldn't like that and two, that their coach seemed to be vigilantly watching them these days.

The tension in the tunnel grew as a team in light blue kits walked in to take the spots directly beside them. The only noise was the sound of their cleats clanking against the concrete. The tension seemed to sit just as heavily on their team, likely due to the fact that they had never beaten the CRU since Lexa had taken over the leadership of the team two and a half years ago.

"It's good to see you again, Woods," a voice spat out beside them. It belonged to the girl in the captain's arm band. The woman stood tall, close to Lexa's height with hair that seemed brown at the roots and became blonde at the tips. Her blue eyes seemed to pierce the air between the two captains as a smug smile sat at her lips. She was not unattractive, but she didn't seem to hold the same allure that Lexa did.

"Nia," Lexa said without returning the stare, "I wish I could say the same but for some reason whenever you are around my skin seems to crawl and a putrid scent seems to take over the air."

"Watch your mouth, Woods!" A voice spat directly to Clarke's right. She turned to see a shorter girl with a more rounded face, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her eyes were a mud brown, but it was hard to notice them over the scars that seemed to run across the girl's face. They looked almost patterned, as if they were put there purposely and not by accident.

"Watch your tongue, dog!" Indra spat from directly behind Clarke and the girl who Clarke assumed must be Ontari whirled her head in the midfielder's direction.

"If I'm a dog, at least I'm a pure breed unlike your mutt of a commander you have there." It happened in an instant. Indra lunged forward and Clarke turned fast enough to grip the girl by her waist to keep her from reaching the smirking girl beside them.

"Em plenty, Indra," Lexa said with a more collected voice that she normally would, Clarke assumed it was to create an air of nonchalance to cover the anger that Clarke had seen sitting behind her eyes only minutes before.

But it wasn't Lexa who now had Nia's attention. Clarke could feel icy blue eyes landing on her, a small smile appearing on the woman's lips. "I heard that Woods decided to start sleeping with her newest addition. I wasn't sure I believed it but here you are, being placed right in front of my dear friend Indra." The way she said dear friend sounded more like a profane slur than anything else and Clarke could feel Indra peeling away from her grip with a growl. "You're name's Clarke, isn't it?"

"Ignore her," Lexa commanded from in front of her, the first sign of emotion spilling into her voice which just made Nia grin wider.

"Now, Woods, that's not very nice. Clarke and I share a good friend, you may know him as well. Bellamy Blake."

"How the fuck do you know my brother?" The tunnel was quiet for the exception of the girls talking up front and it appeared that Octavia who was five people away from them had heard every word of the conversation clearly.

"Ah, Octavia, correct?" Nia said with a smile. "I met your brother at a bar last night after the team drove down here. He was going on and on about how some stuck up, tight assed bitch who ran the CRU soccer team stole the love of the life from under his nose."

It was the calling Lexa a bitch that did Clarke in. "Watch yourself," she growled at the Ice Nation captain, venom thick in her voice and threatening enough that Ontari seemed to ripple as she stood straighter, glaring in her direction.

"Clarke," Lexa warned, but Nia didn't miss a beat.

"Watch myself? Oh no, Clarke, I think it should be you who is careful. Or don't you know? Anyone who seems to love Lexa seems to find themselves dead."

It was as if Clarke didn't have a mind of her own at that point and the only color she was able to see was red. Adrenaline shot through her veins as she launched herself forward with a growl towards the blonde. Ontari Was too slow to realize what was happening to jump in front of her captain.

Clarke expected to find herself on the floor, on top of Nia throwing fists in her direction. What she found instead where two familiar arms wrapped around her torso as her chin seemed to sink into a woman's shoulder. She was a wailing force against an immovable object, holding steady against the storm that Clarke had become.

"Shhh," a voice hushed quietly into her ear. "Niron, beja," the voice said just loud enough to break through her rage, and low enough that Nia and Ontari could not make out the words. "She isn't worth it."

Clarke could feel her body calming down but the anger sat cultivating in her chest. She could feel that her breathing was erratic but she felt her vision becoming more focused. She was becoming more aware of the thumb rubbing minuscule circles onto her shoulder blade. She could recognize that Lexa had sped up her own breathing to match the blonde's and was slowly coaxing it down. And she was suddenly aware that Lexa was far more open than she would have ever allowed herself to be in front of her biggest enemies. Clarke could feel her stomach drop as she pulled away.

"I'm fine," she said, seeing concern in green eyes with a small look of hurt before turning around to face the front of the tunnel.

"Well at least this one has claws, unlike that last one." Ontari said with an amused smirk. But not even the mention of Costia brought out any emotion from the Commander and Clarke immediately began to feel guilt wash over her.

"If you want, I can ask her to add to your collection of facial scars."

At that Ontari growled and took a step towards the Commander, both Indra and Clarke stepping forward but a hand was suddenly on Ontari's shoulders as Nia gave her accomplice an evil grin. "No worries. We will take care of that bitch on the pitch." Both girls laughed at the remedial rhyme. Clarke had never felt so uneasy in her life.

\----------

The game started in a clash of bodies right from the start. They had had the ball for around twenty seconds into the game before Octavia was being shouldered forcefully from the ball, landing on her side with a loud hiss. And when the referee allowed play to continue that first foul, Clarke knew that they were going to be in for a long game.

The CRU were a well oiled team that worked with speed and finesse while Ice Nation players seemed to be just a little taller, holding a bit more bulk, almost making sure to pair up against girls below their size. And they were cunning. There was an elbow thrown here, a foot stepped on there, a lowered shoulder into someone's back. And they seemed to be smart enough to always do it away from the ball, the crime over just before the ball was passed in their direction, getting away with the fouls more often than not.

The Commander spent a good amount of time during dead ball play yelling from one referee to the next pointing out missed calls usually getting hand gestures from the referees for her to calm down. But it didn't mean that the Commander's teammates weren't beginning to get in shots of their own. Clarke had even thrown an elbow into the ribs of a girl who had passed the ball minutes before. She was rewarded by the girl's groan and a lack of notice by the referee. And so began the brutality by both teams. Though anytime Lexa caught any of her teammates partaking, they got a glare thrown in their direction.

The Ice Nation was the first to score, on a penalty that should have been called but wasn't. A ball had been shot towards the box and Raven had been running at it with full speed to head it safely away. But Nia ran beside Raven, grabbing a hold of her jersey and yanking her back. Though in a brilliant move on Nia's part, she grabbed her own jersey with the same hand she grabbed Raven's, masking the foul expertly. That grab slowed Raven down just enough so that she missed heading the ball by millimeters. An Ice Nation Player dove forward, heading the ball into the corner of the net, safely away from Harper's outstretched body.

The groans in the crowd grew as Ice Nation players all jumped into a huddle before all kneeling down to Nia as if she were their Queen before she nodded and released them, which she did only after smiling in the Commander's direction. It was the worst case of self entitlement that Clarke had ever seen. And she wanted nothing more than to wipe the smirk off of her face.

The second major incident happened forty minutes into the game.

The Ice Nation had decided to press deep, bringing two of their backs into the offensive side of the field. Nia had the ball at her feet. Clarke had to admit that the girl had a lot of skill, that her footwork was great even. But Lexa had spent the last week bringing her best against Raven. Nia had made a move to fake to the right but Raven didn't take the bait. As Nia went to jump over the ball in the exchange, Raven managed to get a toe to it, the ball moving just far enough to get to a CRU defender who quickly got her pass off to Indra near midfield.

The amount of Ice Nation players on their side of the field made everything more difficult. It was in an instant that their players were swarming the ball. Indra passed it back to Monroe who immediately passed it forward to Octavia who toed it back to Clarke near midfield. Clarke looked up to see an empty offensive field. Her eyes caught sight of green and in that moment Clarke just let the ball fly.

It went over the heads of everyone just yards beyond the midfield line but it seemed to unleash both Octavia and Lexa forward. Ontari was fast but the other defender was faster, though even she was two steps behind the Commander. Lexa got to the ball first and began charging forward. Clarke felt her heart soar in her chest knowing that she would have an uncontested shot, or so she thought. The unknown Ice Nation defender took matters into her own hands and decided to slide forward despite the fact that not only was she directly behind Lexa who was just less than thirty yards from goal, but the defender had no shot at the ball.

Cleat studs pelted themselves into the back of Lexa's calves, throwing Lexa's body forward and launching her ribs straight into the soccer ball that she had just pushed ahead of her feet. Clarke could feel herself shooting forward along with everyone on the pitch as whistles blew from every side and the Commander rolled onto her back, a momentary look of agony across her features. She grabbed for her leg and then immediately she seemed to seize as her hands went to her ribs. Yards away Clarke could hear her gasping for breath.

She didn't care that Ontari was in her way, a quick shove to the scarred girl took care of that. Ontari fell back several feet with a glowing anger in her eyes and went to the blonde who pushed her but immediately ran into a glaring Indra who snarled in between them. That turned into a mixture of shoving as players from both teams began to rage against each other, but Clarke drowned it all behind as she knelt by Lexa's side.

She could hear Lexa trying to intake any kind of air she could between clenched teeth as her hands pressed against the spot where her ribs had slammed into the ball. A hint of red was beginning to spot the white socks where the defender connected with her leg. But the anger inside of Clarke remained satiated as the need to take care of her captain took over. Though the tone of her own voice made it clear. She wasn't seeing the Commander, she was seeing her girlfriend.

"Lexa, look at me." Green eyes fluttered upwards to find the girl now kneeling at her side, her presence almost seeming to breathe life into the girl now sprawled out onto her back on the floor. Clarke could no longer hear the whistles behind her in an attempt to separate the girls who were shoving at one another.

"I'm fine," the Commander managed against a stiff jaw as a mask of stoicism washed over her face. And in an instant medical personnel were kneeling beside the captain who looked at the chaos behind them and groaned out to Clarke "control them."

The blonde was pushed away as they went to check on her and Clarke in that moment felt helpless. And then she felt angry, as she saw the clashing of skin behind her and she wanted nothing more than to join in. But Lexa's words rang in her head like a calling and her mind seemed to shutdown as her body followed the command.

"Enough!" Clarke yelled with so much authority that everyone seemed to freeze in place. Raven was gripping onto the jersey of one of the forward's who was pushing against her chest. Indra and Ontari seemed to have their foreheads pressed together in a stand for dominance. Octavia had her hands against Nia's sternum. Monroe was holding back Harper who looked like she was ready to back up her girlfriend. And all eyes found themselves on Clarke who lifted her chin high and glared at them all dangerously, just as she had seen the Commander do so many times before.

"Enough," she growled and this time everyone began to tear apart from one another. It was at this time that the defender that had taken down the Commander was shown a red card to the applause of everyone in the stands. And then the cheering got louder and Clarke turned to see Lexa standing, her eyes glowing in awe of the blonde in front of her. Though Clarke couldn't see it as her eyes quickly went to assess her injuries.

Lexa stood up straight as if she were unaffected by any of it. But Clarke could see her favoring her right leg. She could see her torso contorting slightly to relieve pressure from the left side. All eyes were on the Commander who took a step, the limp unnoticeable as she walked forward to grab the ball that had broken her fall.

She could hear the sighs of relief from her teammates but Clarke's eyes went to Indra's whose face had the same look as Clarke did. They both knew that Lexa was experiencing much more pain that she let on. And both girls looked nervous. But that nervousness turned immediately to anger as her eyes flashed to Nia who placed her hands on the spot on the left side of her ribs where Lexa had fallen. And one by one, each Ice Nation player subtly rubbed at that spot on their jerseys as if to wipe their hands. Clarke knew it was much more sinister than that.

The extent of her injury was more evident to Clarke on the penalty shot. Twenty-seven yards out from goal. It was a shot that Lexa would always take. But as defenders lined up in the wall the word "Griffin" caught her ears and she jogged out of the crowd at the end of the penalty area to the Commander's side.

"Take the shot," the Commander said with slight defeat in her eyes.

"What?" Clarke asked, clearly confused and wholeheartedly concerned.

The Commander leaned into her ear, the warm breath licking the skin just below it. "I don't have the range right now." Then she pulled back and gave Clarke a warm smile. "You're a better shot than me anyway," she confessed before jogging into the mass of people, her teammates looking at her confused as to why she was not standing behind the ball.

Clarke took a deep breath and looked at the four woman wall in front of her, trying to drown out her thoughts that kept screaming "Lexa, Lexa, Lexa." The keeper was jumping in the box from side to side, moving her arms around. But Clarke drowned her out. And in that moment it was as if time stood still. She could see how high the defenders could jump to block the kick and she could see the path she wanted the ball to take. And as the whistle went she found her body reacting on instinct as the ball made contact with her laces.

The ball seemed to move slowly as it arched above the heads of blue shirted defenders. She could see the keeper diving to the left, her eyes large as the spin of the ball seemed to round the trajectory of the shot. Clarke could feel the whoosh of the ball against the inside of the top corner of the net more so than she could hear it. It was like a rustling inside of her chest as screaming erupted all around her.

It was a feeling of utter elation as she raised her fist in the air, the word "DAD" standing out dark for all to see and then there was a cornucopia of players surrounding her. Raven pulled her into a hug, Octavia ruffled her hair, even Indra came over to give her the Trikru handshake with a beaming smile on her face.

When she got to the Commander, a smile was beaming across Lexa's face from ear to ear. Clarke followed suit, too excited to wait as she pulled in the Commander herself, gripping her arm tight and pulling her in so that their foreheads touch, desperate to breathe in her scent, desperate for her touch. But her smile fell immediately as a hiss escaped Lexa's lips, though she immediately tried to hide it under the guise of a compliment.

"See, I told you that you were better at that than me." There was a smile on her face but Clarke couldn't match it. Instead she pulled away, the moment broken.

"Where does it hurt?"

Lexa just shrugged it off. "It's fine. I got an elbow to the ribs when we all crashed the box. I'm fine."

Then Lexa was off with a smile but this feeling of dread overtook her, a dread that deepened when two more times Lexa was "accidentally" elbowed in the same spot in her ribs by Ontari before the half.

There was no amount of convincing in the locker room that could get Lexa to do much about the situation. She said that she wasn't going to pull herself out of the game and if the refs weren't calling it that there was nothing to be done. She promised to be more careful, to guard herself more.

"One of us could afford to get a yellow," Indra offered with a deadly glare but Lexa had just shot her down.

"I'm not just going to sit there and watch you get hurt," Clarke pleaded which only served to anger Lexa more.

"I am the Commander, no one fights for me!" She said it in a hiss loud enough for everyone listening to hear and Clarke looked away from her angry. She was angry at Lexa's stubbornness, at Nia's apparent orders, at Ontari's immoral nature, at the referee's inability to do anything about this game.

But when the game started up again the abuse didn't stop. It seemed like every other minute was filled with a facility body part falling into the Commander's ribs. It had everyone on edge and yellow cards began being handed out like candy on Halloween to players on both sides. Monroe slide tackled Nia and seemed more concerned with getting the player than a ball. An Ice Nation defender yanked on Octavia's jersey, pulling her onto the ground. Indra shouldered a midfielder in the gut who jumped up for the ball. But the biggest relation of the night came without a card.

Indra's slide tackle, while risky with a yellow in the books, was beautiful. She got nothing but ball as Nia fell over her outstretched legs into the turf. The ball popped to Monroe who passed it back to Clarke who looked up to see Lexa wide open. She threw her hand up, calling for the ball, but in that instance she seemed to wince against the pain in her ribs and the fire raged inside of Clarke. And in that moment she saw Ontari barreling down on her, several yards out.

She should have made the pass. With ten minutes left in the game it was the smart move. Make the pass, score the goal, win the game. But that was ten more minutes of Lexa being jabbed in the ribs, it was ten minutes too long. And instead Clarke took the shot and within a millisecond of the ball leaving her foot there was a resounding crack that filled the air.

Ontari landed onto her knees, eyes wide in shock, not yet feeling the pain but there was a fountain of blood spurting where Clarke kicked the ball into her face, in just the right spot to break the girl's nose. Everyone on the field seemed to freeze and Clarke threw up her hands and plastered a fake look of shock on her face as if she didn't know at all how it happened.

Whistles blew to stop the rate of play. Ontari finally cried out realizing exactly what had happened though Clarke knew it would be awhile before the girl's adrenaline died down enough for her really feel the pain of it.

"I am so sorry," Clarke offered and Ontari glared in her direction clearly hearing the sarcasm Clarke had left in there just for her. And she moved away as medical staff rushed to her side before turning to see all of her teammates trying to hide the smiles from their faces. But a moment later Nia was at Clarke's side, angry. But there was a calmness to her voice.

"You've made a very grave mistake," she said just low enough for Clarke to hear but Clarke didn't feel scared. In this moment she felt powerful.

"I don't think you quite understand, Nia. Did you not see how precisely I made that shot? Do you think me incapable of doing it again?" She looked at the woman who paled momentarily. Clarke felt a sense of satisfaction wash over her before she continued in a much more threatening voice than before. "Call off your goons. If another one of your players so much as grazes Lexa's ribs I swear I will recreate that scene all those years ago. Ontari walks out of here with a broken nose and you a black eye."

Nia left with a huff and Indra came over immediately patting Clarke on the back. "I didn't think you had it in you, Griffin. I'm impressed. Just try not to take Lexa's thoughts on the matter too much to heart."

Clarke whipped her head to look back at the woman who had sympathetic eyes and a look of confusion fell over the blonde's face. "What do you-" but before she could fully ask the question Indra nodded her head to the direction of the Commander and Clarke suddenly froze.

To say that the Commander looked livid wouldn't have been accurate enough. Livid was too kind a word. It was more like the depths of hell were present behind her eyes and Clarke could feel herself burning beneath their gaze. The Commander hadn't moved from the spot she had run to right before the incident as if to prove one single point. She was open. They could have gone up a point to possibly win the game.

When the game ended not another person had laid a finger on the Commander, Clarke's threat was enough to end that tirade. The one downside though was that neither team scored another goal. The game ended in a tie and while it wasn't a loss, the Commander looked beside herself. On the pitch she maintained all manners of decorum. She shook the other teams' hands, she thanked the referees as if they had actually done a descent job and she visited some of the fans in the stands to thank them for coming. But in the locker room, she was someone else entirely.

Clarke had been the only one to follow her in, everyone else seemed to know that it was a bad idea to not leave her alone for awhile. There was a loud crash and Clarke came running, fearful that Lexa's injuries may have caused her to fall. What she was met with was the site of a metal can dented on the floor where Lexa had thrown it into a locker.

Her eyes danced with venom, her nostrils twitched in a slight flare and her lips maintained their scowl. It was in that moment that Clarke knew she had made a mistake coming here but she wasn't about to leave. While it was the smart thing to do, she stayed exactly where she was. What was it Magnolia had once told her? When has love ever been smart?

"What the fuck was that, Clarke?" Lexa nearly growled as she visibly shook as if trying to contain her anger the best she could.

Clarke could have just apologized, she could have made things easier for herself but she wasn't about to just pretend that she didn't do the right thing here. So instead she crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her chin up and met the Commander's gaze as if she weren't completely terrified. "I told you, I wasn't going to just sit there and watch you-"

"All I ask of you is to do your job. And that means passing me the ball instead of foolishly deciding to defend my honor. You need to accept that!"

Lexa went to say something else but Clarke cut her off with an incredulous look on her face. "Like hell I do. I wasn't just protecting your honor, Lex, I was protecting you. They weren't going to stop hurting you. I had to do something!"

But Lexa groaned again as she threw up her hands and began to mutter words in Trigedasleng most of which were curse words she had looked up the the book Indra had gotten her not long after her birthday. Clarke watched her pace around the room, trying to calm herself and an anxiety washed over Clarke. She wanted nothing more than to take Lexa into her arms and calm her the way Lexa had calmed her before the game. But it wasn't Nia that had angered Lexa now, it was Clarke. So she stayed where she was feeling utterly helpless as she waited.

"We could have won," Lexa finally said, green eyes locking on to hers, the anger still there but not as intense as it had been moments ago.

"And you could have been carted off the field," Clarke said without any trace of remorse. "I should have done it a lot sooner." She said it with even more conviction.

Lexa took a menacing step forward but Clarke did not move. "On that pitch I am not your girlfriend, Clarke. You can't just go out there and allow your heart to control your emotions." She was forcing the words out between grit teeth.

"Do you honestly think I did what I did because we are together, Lex?" She could feel a spark of anger light up inside of her and she took her own step forward, trying to match the Commander's intensity. "Do you think I wouldn't have done the same thing if they had been doing that to any one of our players out there? If it was Raven instead of you? Or Indra? Or any one of them?"

She laughed. It was a humorless laugh. "Lex, you built something special with this team. We care for each other, we watch out for one another. Do you know how badly everyone else wanted to do what I did? There wasn't a single one of our players who didn't congratulate me in some way."

Clarke took a look around to make sure they were alone before taking that final step forward and reaching out to cup Lexa's face. Even despite her own anger she leaned into the touch, her eyes a contradiction of emotion. "Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't have fought back if it was one of us that they were hurting?"

The Commander mask seemed to crumple and Lexa stood remaining, torn between the two versions of herself. "Clarke," she whispered after a long moment, "it is my job to protect my people."

And at that Clarke gave her a small smile. "And I protect my people, Lex." Clarke took one more look around before placing a soft kiss on Lexa's lips, careful not to touch the girl's ribs. "You are my people."

Lexa sighed before finally giving over to this version of herself and nodded, her forehead landing softly against Clarke's who wanted nothing more than to hold her close. But the sound of a door opening pulled them away.

That night there was no party, the tie feeling far too much like a loss. But Clarke couldn't help but feel like there was some part of her that succeeded as she was the one to hold onto the brunette sleeping with her head against Clarke's chest. Her "favorite pillows" she had mumbled before falling asleep.

Love wasn't weakness. Love was strength. And the two of them together were stronger than they were apart. She just hoped that Lexa saw that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm a little bummed that the soccer tournaments that I have been following have come to an end. I'm also really annoyed over how Portugal played that final game. I understand parking the bus at the end of the game, but the entire game?! It makes for boring soccer and with so many people possibly tuning in for the first time to see a final, this is not the type of game that will bring people back. I don't know, maybe it is all about the win. But as an avid viewer, I expect more out of my championship games.
> 
> Back to the story: the next chapter will likely come out Sunday morning, though I will get it out sooner if I can. I'm still not 100% sure how I want to handle this next chapter but I will go ahead and give you a hint and let you all know that Abby will be making her appearance in it. Yikes! That's all I can say without giving too much of it away. 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on this one. I plan on having two more games written about before the series is completed. Is there anything that you guys want me to try and incorporate into their play? Let me know and I will do what I can. You guys are the best!


	41. Uneasiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 40 Recap:  
> Clarke and Lexa played against Nia and Ontari and the rest of the AU team. Though it was more Wanheda than Clarke who showed up on that field.
> 
> \---
> 
> Hey guys, so this chapter is on the long side, possibly my longest one yet. I hope you all enjoy it!

An obnoxious crunching sound edged Clarke out of her dreams. Dreams filled with brown hair, green eyes and not a shred of clothing. The closest thing she had gotten to release in the last three weeks. She couldn't escape the groan that came from her lips or disappointment that sat in her eyes.

It wasn't long until she noticed that there was no longer a body placed carefully beside her own, there was no pressure of a head laid against her chest and the spot beside her was empty. She wasn't upset but the word 'frustration' kept flashing in her mind like a neon sign down the Sunset strip. She didn't want to be frustrated but the feeling seemed to itch at her skin and she was unable to scratch.

The feeling just began to heighten as the crunching sound continued and she threw her hands off of her eyes exasperatedly groaning "what the hell are you doing?" before looking up to see her girlfriend stop with almost a deer in headlights look across her face at the annoyance dripping from the blonde's tongue.

Lexa had stopped almost in between steps, slowly placing her left foot on the ground wearing just boy shorts and her sports bra. A large bag of ice was draped across her shoulder, her movements causing the ice in the bag to jump and crunch. Her right hand was securing the bag in place but it was the placement of her left hand clutching at her ribs that began to fill Clarke with guilt for snapping at her girlfriend.

"I'm sorry," Lexa apologized, suddenly trying to look anywhere but at her girlfriend. "The pain was becoming a little too sharp laying there and I was hoping that an ice bath would help. I didn't mean to wake you." She sounded remorseful which just made Clarke feel all the more guilty.

"Shit, Lex, I didn't mean to sound upset." Clarke was immediately on her feet as she went to pull the bag of ice off her girlfriends shoulders, grunting when the bag was heavier than she had anticipated. "Hoisting bags over your shoulder isn't going to help your ribs any, babe." She tried to brush off her annoyance with a smile.

"Thanks," Lexa muttered as she followed Clarke into the bathroom where the tub had already been close to filled with water and ice. Lexa had to have dropped five bags into the basin already.

"How's the pain?" Clarke asked, going into the mode and tone that she had watched her mother slip into whenever she went into her doctor frame of mind.

"It throbs a bit," Lexa said as Clarke poured the ice into the tub. And when Clarke gave Lexa a pointed look she saw the way the brunette rolled her eyes before sighing. "It feels like I've just been sucker punched, okay?"

Clarke nodded before grabbing Lexa's soft hand in her own and helping lower the girl into the tub who gave out a slight hiss against the frigid temperature of the bath. "We'll want to put some heat on that this afternoon," Clarke said as she kneeled down and reached into the water to softly brush against the purple bruise that seemed to take up the entirely of Lexa's left ribcage. "We need to make sure to promote blood flow through the area," she explained when Lexa had tilted her head at her in confusion.

Lexa again rolled her eyes. "I'll be fine, Clarke."

But Clarke just gave her a commanding look. "You will heat it for at least twenty minutes before lunch."

She watched as Lexa shook her head with a small smile on her face as if she had wanted to laugh. "You're good at this, you know?"

"At what?" Clarke asked, all traces of her earlier annoyance now completely dissipated.

"This," the brunette said as she motioned between them. "You should consider a career in sports medicine."

At that Clarke froze. Up until this point she hadn't really declared a major. She knew that her mother wanted her to be a doctor but the more estranged she became from her mother the more she didn't want o become a surgeon just to spite her. But hearing it flow from her girlfriend's lips, it actually sounded nice.

"I'm not sure," she finally answered in response, "it's a lot of schooling."

But Lexa just gave her a warm smile. "Dr. Griffin sort of has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

At that Clarke just shook her head and pretended to shudder. "That title belongs to my mother. I'm not sure that the world needs another." But the smile on Lexa's face grew wider and stretched from ear to ear.

"Dr. Woods also has a nice ring to it," but the moment the sentence was out of her mouth Lexa seemed to freeze and it had absolutely nothing to do with the cubes of ice surrounding her lower half. She wasn't the only one who froze.

Clarke could feel her heart beating loudly in her chest and for a moment her ears felt as if they were ringing as she tried to process what it was that her girlfriend had said. She could have just been seeing what each of their doctor's names would have been. That had to be it. There was no way that she was saying that by the time Clarke had become a doctor that the two of them would be married. Was there? Is that what Lexa saw for them? Never had Clarke realized that she had wanted anything more.

She decided to break the silence with a short laugh. "And in this scenario of yours I haven't convinced you to take my last name?"

Lexa just shook her head with a smile, as if finally freed from her paralyzed captivity. "Woods has been passed down since the first Spirit, I couldn't possibly part with it.". She looked somber for a moment before a teasing grin took over her features. "Plus, Lexa Griffin just doesn't roll off the tongue."

Clarke laughed as she splashed some ice water into her girlfriend's face who just laughed in response. Clarke could feel her heart soaring. This was too soon. Talking about marriage was very much too soon. But it didn't stop the expansion in her chest.

"And Clarke Woods does?" she asked teasingly but the smirk on the brunette's lips grew and a twinkle seemed to light up in her green eyes.

"I think it does."

The sound of ringing in the distance seemed to break through the spell that the two girls were in as they were staring deeply into each other's eyes. And Clarke could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as she finally registered the fact that they were in fact talking about marriage.

"I better get that," she said with a hint of an apology in her tone. Lexa just nodded in understanding.

The walk between the bathroom and the nightstand felt like a soccer pitch length away as Clarke stood on now shaky legs, her stomach flipping as her mind raced and repeated the conversation she had just had over and over in her mind. And by the time she reached her phone she had answered it, too lost in her own thoughts to even read who was calling from the other end.

_"Clarke?"_ A voice asked, immediately pulling her back to reality with an astounding crash.

"Mom?" Clarke asked, her voice nearly squeaking.

_"Hey honey, I wanted to know if you were going to be free for President's Day weekend?"_ Clarke shook her head as she tried to clear her thoughts. They would have that Monday off of school along with soccer practice.

"I have soccer practice in the morning that Saturday but I believe I am free otherwise. Why do you ask?"

_"Great,"_ she heard her mother saying from the other side. _"Then I was hoping that you would come home and stay until Monday. I have something that I wanted to discuss with you in person."_

Clarke froze for the second time that morning. Her mother wasn't the only one who wanted to discuss something in person. For the past two and a half months Clarke hadn't once told her mother that she was dating Lexa. She didn't feel right doing it over the phone. She kept telling herself that she would tell her mother the next time she saw her. That she would just rip off the bandaid and tell her mother that she was dating another woman. But now at the thought of it actually coming to fruition, she felt nerves overtake her body.

_"Clarke?"_ Her mother asked after hearing no response.

"Uh, yeah, sure that would be fine." She felt as if she were responding on autopilot.

_"Great! Well I need to head back to my shift but I'm glad we could sort this out."_

"Wait," Clarke said in a rush before her mother could hang up. When it was clear that she hadn't left and that the silence from the other end was her mother waiting for Clarke's response, the blonde took a deep breath. "Would it be okay if I brought a friend with me?"

There was another pause followed by a sigh and then she could almost her her mother trying to plaster a happy tone into her response. _"Sure, go ahead and bring a friend. I look forward to meeting..."_ Her mother tapered off sounding almost as if she was expecting her daughter to be bringing home a boy that she wanted to bring home to mom.

"Lexa," Clarke supplied instead, feeling as if a ball of lead was sitting in her stomach, "she's on the soccer team." Clarke bit back her groan, almost hating herself for adding that as her girlfriend's only amplifier.

_"I look forward to meeting Lexa."_

Clarke stared at her phone as the line went dead, running her hand through her golden locks as she took a deep breath. It seemed like one of the strangest mornings of her life. She woke up sexually frustrated. Her girlfriend practically announced that she wanted Clarke to take her last name if they got married. Her mother invited her home out of the blue. And now Clarke had to convince her girlfriend to come with her. She's not sure if she was enjoying this morning or not.

By the time she gave herself a small pep talk and walked into the bathroom, Lexa was lifting herself out of the icy tub and her sexual frustration won over. It was as if the water droplets were slowly falling down the brunette's body against her abs that seemed far more predominantly chiseled than normal due to the muscles constricting against the cold temperature they were submerged in. The purple bruise across her side was a dark contrast to the tone of her slightly tanned skin. Her boy shorts were soaked, clinging to strong thighs which seemed to twitch. Her biceps and forearms seemed to strain and dance as she used both arms to push up and lift her body out of the tub. Even the gritted face plastered on Lexa's face (likely due to pain) reminded Clarke of Lexa's face after a very long night of pleasing the blonde as she pushed through the pain in her forearm. She didn't even notice green eyes watching her curiously before Lexa spoke.

"See something you like, Clarke?" Clarke didn't say anything. Instead she just nodded, her feet unable to move. The teasing in Lexa's features immediately turned apologetic as she sighed and wrapped a towel around her, gritting her teeth as she pushed against her bruises.

"I'm sorry about these last three weeks," Lexa sighed as she reached forward and Clarke pressed her cheek deeper into her hand despite the fact that they felt completely like ice, soft ice. "I haven't been able to take care of you the way I should. Between school, practice, and this pain in my side I've completely ignored what you need."

Clarke's chest constricted as green eyes looked at her solemnly, shameful almost. Apparently her mood this morning had been easier to read than Clarke had initially thought. "It's fine, Lex," she assured her, hating that it felt like a lie on her tongue.

But Lexa shook her head. "It's not and I would really, really love to take you to bed." She gave Clarke this reassuring smile, "we just need to get me fixed up first."

Clarke nodded before leaning in an placing a kiss to her girlfriend's lips, capturing her plump lower lip between her own and trying to bask in the feeling of just this touch, of trying to make this enough. It wasn't as if Lexa didn't want to be with her, it's just that she couldn't. And Clarke just needed the reassurance. It was something Lexa seemed to notice.

"You don't know how hard it is to see you and not be able to touch you the way that I want to, niron. Do you know how much I think about you?"

Clarke could feel her body humming as she rested their foreheads together. "How much?" She asked, her voice husky and filled with longing.

"You're my first thought in the morning, and my last thought before I fall asleep. I don't think five minutes goes by in my day without my thinking about you."

Clarke smiled, a happiness washing over her. "You can last five minutes without thinking about me?" She asked it with a sly smile.

Lexa let out a small chuckle, knowing that a laugh would likely hurt. "I don't want to sound like some stalker, Clarke."

"Are you calling me a stalker then, babe?" She asked teasingly and Lexa just smiled.

"You can stalk me anytime," Lexa answered before placing another soft kiss on Clarke's lips. Then she leaned back and said, "I always hoped that the president of my fan club would be a really hot blonde."

This is what Clarke loved, moments like this. These were the moments that made Clarke fall more and more in love with the girl in front of her. The girl that she suddenly realized that she needed to introduce to her mother.

"Clarke, what's wrong?" She was unaware that she had turned white, that the blood had left her face until two hands were holding her cheeks and green eyes were looking worriedly into her own.

"That was my mom on the phone."

Lexa's eyes were shaking back and forth as if trying to figure out the meaning behind her words. "Are you okay?"

Clarke nodded, her words sounded on edge. "She wants me to go home for President's Day weekend."

Lexa nodded still unsure. "Practice will end before lunch on Saturday and then you just need to be back for class Tuesday." She offered it as if she thought Clarke were worried about having the time to go home.

"I was hoping you'd come with me."

The look of confusion on Lexa's face turned to understanding and then to nervousness. A minute or two passed in silence. "As your girlfriend?" She finally asked.

"She doesn't know yet but I would like to tell her that weekend."

Lexa's response was immediate which made it all the more shocking. "I can't wait to meet her." Clarke couldn't contain the smile on her face.

\----------

The smile fell off Lexa's face the moment the elevator door closed with her girlfriend tucked inside of it. In that moment a feeling of dread and hysteria washed over her at the mere thought of meeting Clarke's mother. Of meeting Clarke's mother while the blonde came out to her. On meeting Clarke's mother and possibly being seen as the reason why Clarke was coming out to her.

What if her mother hated her? She knew that Clarke and her mother didn't get along but that didn't meant that she didn't care what her mother thought. What if she did something that weekend to fuck everything up? Lexa hadn't met anyone's parents since Costia's and that didn't end well.

"Is everything okay, Woods? It looks like you've seen a ghost?"

Lexa turned to the brunette and said the only thing that came to mind. "You met Lincoln's parents a few months ago, right?"

Octavia looked at her as if trying to size up the girl in front of her. "Yes..." she answered, unsure as to why the question was being asked.

"Clarke wants me to meet her mom in two weeks." A look of understanding reached the girl's features. "What do I do, Blake?"

Octavia seemed to contemplate this. "Just be charming. Smile a lot and try to agree with things that they say. Just don't do anything that makes them feel like you are undermining their authority."

Lexa nodded and let out a sigh. "And if I don't agree with something they say?" Such as her not accepting Clarke for who she was?

"Well what do you do when you don't agree with your teachers?" Octavia asked.

Lexa looked at her skeptically. "I don't disagree with my teachers, Blake. My job is to listen to them and then do my work."

Octavia groaned as she ran her hands down her face, tugging at her bottom lip in the process. "You really are something else, you know that Commander?" When Lexa didn't respond Octavia tried again. "What happens when you disagree with someone you are trying to do business with? Not someone who works for you."

Lexa thought about that. She couldn't offend other business owners because she never knew when they would need to work together. But that didn't mean that she didn't find ways to show her displeasure when necessary while remaining friendly. That was something she could do. It's something she'd been able to do for years.

"Thanks, Octavia, that may actually be helpful."

"No problem," she responded with a small smile. But as she turned to walk away she could hear Clarke in the back of her mind complaining about how sad Raven had been the past three weeks and she stopped in her tracks, groaning at the horrible idea in her head. The horrible idea brought on by her desire to make her girlfriend happy.

"Blake?" she asked, turning back to face the girl. "How are you doing? I know you and Raven still aren't talking and I just wanted to see where you were."

Octavia gave her this weird look as if she were trying to figure out exactly why Lexa cared. "I'm fine. I mean obviously Raven and I aren't as close as I thought we were but I'm starting to accept that." She held her chest out defiantly as if demanding to not be questioned. But the gesturing didn't work on the commander.

"You know that's complete shit, right Blake?"

Octavia groaned. "She lied to me, Lexa. I asked her for months what was up because she was acting strange and she just told me 'nothing' and I believed her because we were best friends. But all this time she was having some secret relationship and she didn't trust me." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I get why you didn't trust me, but not Raven. I've kept her confidences more times than I can count and yet she didn't trust me with this. How am I supposed to feel?"

Lexa nodded her head, understanding where the girl was coming from, hating the fact that she was meddling. "It wasn't just her secret to keep. It was Harper's also. And I appreciate the fact that you wanted to be there for Raven and help her though this and you feel betrayed that she kept this from you, but Raven did the right thing." Octavia opened her mouth to protest but Lexa held up her hand, effectively silencing her.

"Her loyalty was to the girl she was sleeping with, the girl who asked her not to tell anyone. And that included her best friend. You weren't the only one left in the dark. It seems that Monroe knew just as much as you did which means that Harper really didn't want people to know. Could you imagine what would have happened if Raven told you and Harper found out? Would you have been willing to risk it and possibly ended their chance at a relationship?"

Octavia put her head down and her hands wiped at her cheeks as if she were trying to contain a flood of tears. "So I just forgive her?" The normally strong minded brunette sounded small and Lexa moved to place a hand on her shoulder.

"Forgive others not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace."

Octavia laughed, a small choking laugh. "Did you get that from a fortune cookie?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Actually my last fortune cookie said that my ways of observation are astute and that those that receive my advice are lucky. You don't want to argue with an all knowing cookie would you?"

The brunette huffed and muttered something under her breath that sounded very much like "stupid cookie".

Lexa just gave her a small smile. "You are punishing Raven by avoiding her but I can see how much it pains you too. You miss your friend. Why not give her another chance to make it right?"

"You're a real sap, you know that Woods?"

At that Lexa sighed. What had Clarke turned her into?

\----------

The house was larger than she had pictured it. It's not that it was a mansion by any means or really anything close to it but when Clarke had mentioned that they were going to her childhood home where only three people had ever lived, she hadn't been expecting this two story home on a half acre property.

Lexa had a duffle bag slung over her shoulder carrying everything that the two girls would need for the next two days. Clarke had tried to carry it but the moment Lexa woke up this morning without any pain in her side she felt invincible. And an invincible commander should never have her girlfriend carrying her bag. Clarke had just rolled her eyes at the sentiment and accepted it mouthing something about too much testosterone.

"Clarke!" She heard a voice yell as the door opened and an older woman walked onto the porch that wrapped around the front of the house. The woman looked to be about Clarke's height with a slightly thinner bone structure leading Lexa to believe that her girlfriend got her hips from her father. The woman's hair sat somewhere between brown and blonde. But the similarities were all there. She was definitely Clarke's mother.

Lexa took a deep breath and clenched and unclenched her fingers that desperately wanted to reach out for Clarke's hand but didn't as they walked up to meet the smiling woman. Clarke had spent the last two weeks stressed about their reunion and the night before Lexa had sat her down and explained to the blonde that she in no way needed to come out to her mother this weekend.

Lexa was in love with her and she was proud to show off their relationship and she would gladly hold her hand while she told her mother. But she knew coming out was different for everyone but the one thing that should be the same is that coming out needed to be a choice made by the person coming out and no one else. So until the time came where Clarke was comfortable, Lexa would play the role of her friend. Lexa didn't say it, but she felt that her being a friend would allow Clarke's mother to warm up to her a little more.

Lexa knew she was being dramatic and that her imagination was running away from her, but the walk to the porch felt almost like a walk towards an execution chair. Each step they took paired with the dangling of clips on her duffle bag sounded more like a dirge than a random collection of sound. And as she swallowed the lump in her throat she couldn't stop the flood of questions from pouring into her mind that had been plaguing her since Clarke had asked her to come this weekend.

What if Clarke's mother hated her?

What if she fucked everything up?

What if Clarke's mother didn't think she was good enough?

She watched as the two women embraced, Clarke's mom pulling at her daughter with much more vigor between the two as she seemed to whisper things into her daughters ear, things of missed time and of happy reunions. And Clarke in turn responded back, though her tone held more confusion and trepidation than her mother's.

"And this must be Lexa!" The woman said kindly as she pulled away from Clarke, much more happy and welcoming than Clarke seemed to paint her in their past conversations about the woman. It may explain the look of incredulousness on the blonde's face.

"It's nice to meet you Dr. Griffin," Lexa said as she held out her hand, proud of herself for her voice not shaking.

"Please, dear, please call me Abby," the woman said accepting her hand with a kind smile before turning to Clarke. "Shall we go inside?"

Lexa was quick to reach for the front door and pull it open despite the fact that she was the only one without empty hands. "Let me get that for you," she added with a warm smile while Clarke looked as if she was refraining from rolling her eyes.

"Thank you, Lexa," Abby said with a bright smile before she turned back to Clarke. "Your new friend is really polite, Clarke." Lexa beamed at the compliment. "Why don't you show her to the guest room upstairs?"

Lexa let out a shaky breath as she followed the blonde up the stairs to her room. She had survived her first encounter with Dr. Abby Griffin. So why was it that she felt like it was all going to go downhill from here?

\----------

It was going better than she had imagined it would. Much better actually. Clarke couldn't put her finger on it but her mother seemed like a very different person from the woman she had left before heading off to college, different from the woman who she had been spending time on the phone with.

The woman reminded her very much of the woman she used to be when Clarke's father was still alive. She was polite and attentive as opposed to the standoffish. Her frown had been accompanied by a smile. Her hazel eyes seemed to contain a little bit of life again. And she was actually laughing. It was the first time in a long time that she hadn't seen her mother constantly checking her work pager.

And not only was she laughing but she was laughing at something that Lexa had said as they sat across from one another at the dinner table. Lexa, who was being the epitome of a perfect child who seemed to mind her manners, offering to set the table and help out with dinner, and was conversing openly like a politician. Clarke had seen Lexa interacting with other business people when she visited her girlfriend at work and she had seen the brunette in action before as she sold off a winning personality to someone who she was trying to get business out of. But it was an entirely different spectacle watching her play the part so easily with her mother.

And Clarke even found herself laughing and having a good time. It had been a long time since she could actually enjoy having a conversation with her mother. It felt almost as if it were like old times and that at any moment her father was going to waltz into the front door and greet everyone with kisses. So while Clarke hadn't yet forgiven her mother for the past nine months she was at least enjoying her company.

Clarke couldn't help but feel that this was the beginning of the healing between herself and her mother. Or at least it had felt that way until her mother began to broach a new topic, effectively changing the course of their conversation and of the mood in the room.

"So, Clarke, I ran into Wells today. I hear he is transferring to a college nearby at the end of the year."

Wells had been one of Clarke's childhood friends. The boy was a year older than Clarke and the two were inseparable before Clarke started high school and Wells moved away. They had promised to stay in touch but not soon after starting high school Clarke had met Finn and the boy didn't seem fond of her talking to other guys. So the friendship had fallen by the wayside. Something Clarke didn't realize she felt guilty for until hearing the boy's name again all those years later.

It was as if Lexa could sense the uneasiness washing over Clarke in that moment because she decided to respond to give Clarke another few moments to sort through her own thoughts. "Who is Wells?"

Abby gave Lexa a devious grin. "Wells used to be Clarke's closest friend. They used to do absolutely everything together and Jake and I used to sit there and watch them convinced that they would probably marry each other one day." Abby didn't seem to notice the way Lexa had shifted in her seat uncomfortably as if she knew what the woman was going to say next.

Abby turned to her daughter. "You know, Clarke, Wells is going to be majoring in political science. He wants to become a politician and he did look rather handsome. He seemed interested in meeting up with you. Maybe I can give you his number and you two can see if maybe something sparks?"

Clarke chanced a look at Lexa who was suddenly very interested in her mashed potatoes before turning back to her mother who had this expectant look on her face. Her mother had hated Finn and ever since had been trying to set her up with one boy or another to lure her away from him. But she hadn't attempted to do so since her father had passed away. It was something Clarke did not miss from the old version of her mother.

Clarke wanted to tell her mother that the wonderful woman sitting across from her was her girlfriend. She wanted desperately to walk over there and entwine her hands and dare her mother to try and say something bad about it. She wanted to be honest and open. But when she opened her mouth, the declaration isn't what came out.

"It would be nice to see Wells again, but I'm not really looking to start a new relationship." It wasn't a lie. It's not as if her mother had asked her if she was in a relationship. And it was true. She was with Lexa. She didn't want to start something new with someone else.

At that Abby scoffed and shook her head turning back to the brunette, "How about you, dear. Do you have a boyfriend?"

Lexa flashed a glance at Clarke and she could see the teasing look in her green eyes as a small smile appeared across her lips. "No, Dr. Griffin, I don't have a boyfriend." Clarke had to contain her own smile, happy that Lexa didn't seem at all bothered by her last answer.

"It's Abby, Lexa, please call me Abby." Then Clarke's mother seemed to study Lexa closer. "So you are honestly telling me that you aren't dating anyone?"

The question seemed to make the brunette stiffen as she slowly reached over and took a sip of wine from her glass before throwing what appeared to be an apologetic look in Clarke's direction that made Clarke's heart begin to beat wildly in her chest. She seemed to take a deep breath before calculating the rest of whatever problem she was solving in her head before she answered.

"I didn't say that, Mrs. G-" at the glare thrown in her direction she corrected herself, "Abby."

Abby's glare turned quickly to confusion. "But you said that you didn't have a boyfriend."

Lexa let out a small sigh. "I don't. But I do have a girlfriend who is kind and funny, who I love very much."

The room became eerily silent. Clarke looked at her girlfriend who seemed to be watching Abby with a calculated look, as if summing the woman up and in that moment Clarke wanted nothing more than to hug the brunette across from her and say that she loved her too. And it was in that moment that she was ready to tell her mother exactly who Lexa was to her but before she could even open her mouth her mother was responding with what looked like a fake smile plastered onto her face.

"Oh, well, that is great for you, dear. I'm happy to hear that. But are your parents okay with that?"

Clarke could feel her blood begin to boil as she noticed the strained look in Lexa's jaw and she had this look in her eyes as if she was remembering something painful from her past.

"Mom!" Clarke hissed, but Lexa held up her hand as if to silence her, the Commander inviting herself to dinner.

"Actually my parents passed away a little over six years ago but I assure you that they were more than accepting of my being gay, Mrs. Griffin. All they wanted was for me to be happy."

Abby seemed to bock at the smooth tone of Lexa's now guarded voice, back peddling herself towards a corner. "I am so sorry to hear that, I didn't mean to bring up..." She paused as if not wanting to finish her sentence - your parents death. "And I'm sure that's all they wanted for you, Lexa. I just can't imagine that as a parent I would want my daughter to have a harder life. Life is hard enough as it is," she tried to explain.

But Lexa just sat up straighter and Clarke felt as if she couldn't move, not even to open up her own mouth to call some type of truce.

"Precisely. Life is hard enough as it is to have to go around hiding who you are and pretending to be someone that you are not while closing yourself off from something or rather someone who could make you truly happy." Lexa said it with a cool smile that was meant to be polite and yet the words seemed shaper than knifes.

"No, I suppose you are right. There are a lot of people born with an affinity towards people of their own gender. It just seems to me that in this day and age it tends to be more of a fad, is all. And it's great that people are more accepting but that doesn't mean that bullies don't still exist."

Clarke could feel her stomach fall deeper down her body. Surely her mother would believe her to be one of those kids going through some "phase" because of this "sociably acceptable fad" as her mom had seemed to put it. Clarke could feel herself shrinking slightly and it didn't seem to escape her girlfriend who seemed more than willing to fight on her behalf.

"While I don't really agree with that statement in the slightest, what does it really matter? Whether you are born gay or you just fall in love with someone of the same sex, what does it matter? If the ultimate goal in life is to find something that makes you happy and gives your life purpose then it shouldn't matter to anyone else who I find that in. The world is filled with enough hate. To try and snuff out the love between us just seems morally corrupt if you ask me."

Abby held her hands up as if in surrender. "Hey, no one here is talking about preventing homosexual relationships. I'm a registered democrat; I think it's great that you and the people in your community can get married now. All I said was that I'm sure it makes life a little more difficult."

Lexa looked as if she wanted to laugh, one of those laughs where she would incredulously shake her head while doing it. Instead she gnawed on her lip for a moment and her eyes seemed to squint slightly as she took in the woman before her. "Well, for the record, I am no way a voice for my entire community." She said the last word as if it were a farce, "but I would much rather take the difficult path that led me to becoming myself as opposed to the easy path that leaves me as a hollow shell of who I am. My parents raised me to be the best version of myself and I would be dishonoring their memory if I hid who I was to make smaller minded people comfortable."

"Are you calling me small minded?" Abby nearly growled in Lexa's direction who maintained her stoic Commander's mask.

"Not at all, Mrs. Griffin. As you said, you are a democrat that is in favor of gay marriage. My community and I are very thankful for your support." She ended the statement with a bright smile that looked so unassuming that Abby didn't seem quite sure what to do with it,

"Can I speak with you alone, Lex?" The brunette seemed to freeze and the Commander mask seemed to fall away as Lexa turned and Clarke could feel green eyes boring into hers as if just realizing what had happened.

Lexa nodded and stood up from the table before clearing her throat. "Abby, please forgive me if you felt that I was being at all untoward. I suppose I just get passionate about that topic. I think it's probably best if I head to bed after I talk with Clarke. Thank you again for the lovely dinner."

Abby seemed to eye the girl wearily before she left and Clarke sighed before following Lexa up the stairs and into the guest room before closing the door behind her.

"Clarke, I am so sorry. I-"

But Lexa was cutoff by two arms wrapping around her as Clarke nuzzled her head into her girlfriend's neck. Clarke could understand why Lexa thought she was upset but honestly, she just felt proud. She was proud to have a girlfriend that stood up so fully for her own beliefs, who was proud of who she was. And she was impressed by the way Lexa had stood up for her without once mentioning her name as an arguing point. She was a complete contrast from Finn who, when he would fight with Abby, would bring Clarke up as a means to try and win an argument.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Lexa tried again as Clarke held her tighter. "I just didn't want to lie to your mom and I didn't want to jump back into the closet."

"Hey," Clarke said as she leaned up to plant a soft kiss against her girlfriend's lips, "you don't need to apologize to me. If anything I should apologize for my mom."

Clarke could feel the pressure of lips against her own and she began to melt into it before Lexa pulled away. "Honestly, Clarke, your mom wasn't even that bad. I've had a lot worse. I just sorta saw the hurt in your eyes and I lost it."

"I love you," Clarke said with a sigh as Lexa dropped her forehead to meet Clarke's.

"I love you, too."

"You don't have to banish yourself off to bed, you know."

Lexa smiled and shook her head. "Try and enjoy the rest of your night with your mom, niron. I promise I'm not going anywhere."

When Clarke finally reached the dining room table Abby had cleared away the plates and there was a cup of coffee waiting for her. Her mother had prepared it just the way she used to like it but it tasted bitter to her, nothing like the way Lexa made it for her in the mornings.

"You have quite a spirited friend, Clarke," her mother said with crossed arms. The way her mouth moved around the descriptor, Clarke knew that 'spirited' wasn't a compliment.

"She's a really great person, Mom. One of the best people I know."

Abby huffed in response. "Honestly, sweetie, it's not like I object to her having a girlfriend. But honestly, I saw the way she looked at you a few times today. I don't think her girlfriend would approve of her being here with you for the weekend. Why did you bring her here?"

Clarke ignored the question and chose to focus on what her mother had claimed instead. "How did she look at me?"

Abby rolled her eyes. "Honestly? Like you were the earth, the sun and the stars. I thought it strange until she told me about her predilection. I think she's secretly in love with you. You need to watch out for her."

Clarke couldn't stop the smile from spreading across her face. How could her mother read Lexa so well and not her unless Lexa really did love her without any fear of showing it? She didn't even think before the next sentence left her mouth.

"It's not a secret that she's in love with me."

Abby looked wearily at her daughter. "And yet you still torture the poor girl by bringing her home with you? Clarke, you really should just let her go so that she can move on from you. It's the descent thing to do here."

But Clarke just laughed. "I'm not letting her go. I'm in love with her too, Mom."

A silence passed between them as Abby looked as if she were trying to comprehend exactly what her daughter had said before finally settling on, "you can't honestly be serious, Clarke!"

But Clarke couldn't find it in her to care. Maybe tomorrow she would care but right now? At this very moment? She knew she wanted to be somewhere else. "We can talk about this in the morning, Mom. But right now I think I'm going to go be with my girlfriend."

Clarke could hear her mom calling out for her as she went up the stairs, even as she reached Lexa's door until she saw her girlfriend laying down in bed with her arms above her head holding a book as she read. Then the blonde closed the door behind her to successfully drown out the sounds below.

"Clarke, what are you doing?" Lexa asked but Clarke didn't answer as she crawled into bed to lay beside her girlfriend and snuggled into the side of her, resting her head just below Lexa's chin.

"Read to me?" she asked instead of responding. Only a moment passed before Lexa obliged and Clarke could feel her tension washing away into happiness with each breath above her.

"He sat down for a few moments, and then getting up walked about the room, Elizabeth was surprised, but said not a word. After a silence of several minutes he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began, 'In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.'"

Clarke fell asleep listening to Lexa reading from her favorite book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So brownie points to anyone who can tell me from that excerpt what Clarke's favorite book is!
> 
> So this chapter isn't the end of Abby, we will definitely continue that portion of the saga in the next chapter which I will try and have out by Thursday. Another character will finally show up in the next chapter as well. Here's a hint: most of you will not be happy to see him!
> 
> Thanks everyone for all the comments! I think the last chapter was the most commented chapter so far. You guys are the best!


	42. History Repeats Itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 41 Recap:  
> Lexa finally met Clarke's mother and the night didn't end as well as they hoped it would.
> 
> \---
> 
> So this chapter was a little draining to write, it's a bit of an emotional one. I can probably do for a shot of whiskey. That said I'm just going to go ahead and leave y'all to it.

She wished she knew what exactly happened after she retreated to her room the night before. She wished she knew why Clarke strode into her room with a mix of wired emotions that seemed to make her body vibrate against Lexa's side. But she didn't offer and Lexa never asked. In fact she didn't say a single thing after asking Lexa to read to her. So she just continued to read about Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy until Clarke fell asleep an hour later and the brunette followed her into slumber not long after that.

And if it weren't for the fact that the blonde looked completely at peace, Lexa would have woken her up and asked her why she had returned to her so quickly and why she hadn't went to her own room. Surely Abby wouldn't have been fond of this sleeping arrangement especially after Lexa had come out to the woman she had only known a few hours. And yet here she was, laying on her side with her head resting on her hand, watching over a mass of blonde hair on light blue bedding in wonderment.

Normally the sight would elicit the brightest of responses in the older girl as she woke up to the sight of the love of her life beside her, but this morning Lexa couldn't help but feel a stab of remorse. It's not as if she regretted being mostly honest the night before. And she most definitely did not regret standing up for Clarke to Clarke's mother in the only logical way she knew how. But she most definitely felt regret over the fact that the day had started off with Abby seemingly enjoying the brunette's company and ended with death glares and looks of disgust.

It wasn't as if Clarke and her mother were really all that close and that the blonde didn't require her mother's approval of Lexa to be with her but Lexa couldn't help but feel as if she needed to try and make things right. She loved Clarke and she wanted to make the blonde happy. And a part of Lexa knew that having her mother in her life would ultimately make the blonde happy. So the last thing Lexa wanted was to become another reason that tore the two apart.

With one last longing glance and a soft sigh she carefully freed her arm from below the blonde's neck and retreated down to the kitchen in a pair of gray sweatpants and her favorite black sleeveless t-shirt that she had worn that first night that Clarke had walked into her apartment and eventually into her heart. Which as she thought it she knew it sounded ridiculously corny but that is what Clarke Griffin had turned her into. This corny mess of mushy emotions.

She started with the refrigerator to see what ingredients she had to work with before settling for a crust-less quiche dish. She then spent the next forty minutes preparing breakfast and scouring drawers for utensils and pans hoping desperately that making breakfast for the Griffin family would somehow alleviate some of the tension still left over from the night before. But just as she placed the dish into the oven, a large clank from behind her made her jump as she clutched at her chest, wide eyed and staring at the older woman who had just dropped a bag of groceries onto the kitchen counter behind her. Lexa could almost curse herself. She hadn't allowed someone the chance to sneak up on her in nearly a decade. It was either a testament to how stealthy Abby was or to how distracted Lexa had been.

"So do you normally make yourself at home?" Abby asked. "Or do you think this is just as much your home as it is Clarke's since you are sleeping with my daughter?"

Lexa froze and it seemed to take her a few moments for her mind to completely comprehend the accusation being thrown her way and she found herself desperately wishing that she had talked to Clarke about what happened before having run into Abby. "Abby," she started but the woman threw a glare in her direction.

"Mrs. Griffin," she corrected and Lexa flinched as if it had been a physical slap to the face. Things were definitely regressing between the two.

"Mrs. Griffin," she corrected, "I'm not entirely sure what you are talking about. Maybe we should wait for Clarke-"

But the woman was having none of it. "Tell me, does lying come natural to you? I mean surely my daughter must have told you about the atrocity she revealed to me last night before stealing away to your bed. Or did you just rush into sex instead of actually talking?"

She was at a loss for words. Had Clarke come out to her mother last night? Or was this Abby trying to get Lexa to out her girlfriend? It could have been the former but she most definitely was not risking the latter. "I'm not sure what Clarke told you last night but I assure you that absolutely nothing happened between Clarke and me last night. I'm a guest in this house and I wouldn't do anything to disrespect your rules while in it."

It wasn't a lie. Nothing besides sleep and reading happened last night. She had even woken up with her hands not on Clarke's boobs which really was rather surprising since that's how she tended to wake up most mornings. It seemed even her subconscious was eager to appease the woman.

"If it were up to me, you wouldn't be a guest at all." Abby's words were sharp and final and Lexa had to keep from pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. Instead she settled for a shake of the head and a sigh.

"Is there a reason in particular that you don't like me? I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is that I did to offend you."

Abby huffed as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. "I don't like the fact that you obviously used my daughter's pain and weakness to seduce her into your bed."

Lexa could feel her body buzzing as her hands twisted into fists and she began trying to count down from ten in her own head in an effort to calm herself. She had been accused of a lot of things in her life but that had definitely never been one of them. A womanizer? Sure. Heartless? Sure. Soulless? Sure. But never had she lied or used another person's pain to get them into bed. And the accusation had her burning.

"I would never do something so despicable," she said through grit teeth, using every ounce of self resolve that she owned to keep from shouting.

"Really?" Abby asked with a humorless laugh. "Because as far as I can see it, my daughter ends up going to college mourning the death of her father and attempting to deal with the fact that she has broken the up with the man," she emphasized the gender, "that she loves," she emphasized the current tense, "and winds up being tangled up in your arms! If my daughter was gay I would accept that, but she was never gay before she met you which leads me to believe that you deceived her into your bed."

If her body had been buzzing before she was most definitely shaking now. She wanted to throw something. She wanted to slam her fist on the table. She wanted to scream. She wanted to do anything to release this anger that had built up within her and had filled her to the brim. But it was as if she no longer possessed the ability to move beyond the shaking that her body seemed to supply all on its own. A hatred sat putrid in the air between them and it made it difficult to breathe.

"What the hell is going on here?" The vision of Abby was replaced by golden hair that shone in the morning light and the bluest of eyes filled with concern. But Lexa couldn't stop the anger that she knew filled her gaze, a gaze that she knew most would shrink away from. And she could feel soft, familiar hands framing her face as thumbs caressed at her cheek bones and fingers toyed with her earlobes. But the anger hadn't subsided even after a minute of Clarke's embrace.

"I was just-" her mother began but Clarke turned and Lexa could no longer see the blonde's eyes or the look on her face. But her girlfriend's words dripped of disgust and anger.

"I think you've said more than enough!"

Then blue eyes were back in Lexa's vision and Clarke's voice became warm and comforting and she attempted to shush the brunette back down. "Hey, babe, look at me." Lexa hadn't been aware that she wasn't looking Clarke in the eye. Her eyes were in her line of vision but she hadn't been focused on them and the words seemed to pull her attention until she could see the contrasting blue in the irises and she could feel pieces of the anger falling away.

"That's it, babe, keep looking at me. Can you feel my hands?" One hand was still holding her face but she hadn't noticed her right hand had dropped to her hip as her thumb caressed softly against the skin above the waistband of her pants. More of her anger seemed to fall away as she finally found some control over her body and she found it in her to nod her head, careful to keep staring into blue orbs.

"That's great, Lex. Do you think that maybe you can place your hands on my hips?" It was the mention of her hands that brought on the recognition of slight pain as she realized that she had been balling up her hands so tight that her shortly trimmed nails were biting into her palms, having broken skin. It still took her another moment to relax her hands enough to let go of her fists before slowly placing them against the soothing warmth of Clarke's hips which pulled her even deeper down to earth.

It wasn't until she took in a deep breath and the scent of vanilla with a hint of pine filled her nose that she fully came back to reality, the anger mostly subsided. She hadn't lost herself like that in a long time. And thought it was justified she felt guilt over the fact that it happened in front of Clarke and her mother who probably now thought she was prone to fits of uncontrollable anger. And what looked worse is that Clarke knew exactly how to calm her down as if she had had to do it many times before when in truth she just knew her better than anyone.

Lexa's words came out in a whisper filling only the small space between them. "Clarke, I'm sorry I-"

"Hey, you have absolutely no reason to be sorry whatsoever. You're fine, love, I got you." She could feel pressure against her lips moving softly and Lexa wanted nothing more than to give herself over to the kiss. Except there was one thing she did want more, one thing that trumped her desire, one thing that meant more than her wounded pride and that was Clarke's happiness. And so she kissed back for only one moment before pulling away. She may have hated Abby in this moment but there was no reason to add fuel to this monstrosity of a forest fire.

She heard Clarke sigh, almost as if she understood why it was that Lexa moved away. Or maybe she had just assumed that Lexa was uncomfortable doing this in front of her mother. Either way the blonde turned to her mother behind her. Her tone wasn't filled so much with anger as it was disappointment. "Ever since Dad died, I don't even know who you are anymore."

The words seemed to hit straight at the woman's heart as she seemed to wince against the pain. But it showed for only a moment as she fixed her daughter with a pointed look. "I'm the unrecognizable one? Clarke, you're the one kissing some girl in our kitchen!"

"She isn't just some girl to me, Mom!" Lexa threaded her hand into Clarke's and gave her hand a quick squeeze as their fingers entwined together to reassure her that she was still there, by her side. And Clarke squeezed back as if pulling strength from her. "You honestly believe she took advantage of my grief?" she asked it bitterly. "She was actually there for me when I needed someone. She held my hand when I cried about Dad. She held me close when I needed someone to listen. And the truth of the matter is is that she is my person, Mom. She is the person who is always there for me!"

"I'm here for you," Abby tried but even she knew it was a lie as it seemed to fall flat on her tongue.

"Are you? Because you and I haven't said anything of any worth to one another since Dad died. You checked out. You left me here to figure out how to deal with this all by myself. And I did what I could. I picked up the pieces and soldiered on and it wasn't until I met Lexa that I really found out how to heal, how to accept what happened, how to be okay with it. So you don't get to tell me that you're here for me."

Lexa wasn't sure what she should do. She wanted to pull her girlfriend into her chest and hold her because she could hear the skip in her voice that told her that tears were not far off. Before she could make a move, however, Abby was walking forward. "Clarke, I am so sorry." But the blonde didn't seem to want to hear it as her sadness seemed to turn into anger in an instant.

"No, Mom, you don't get to just stand there and apologize for these last eight months as if you have any right to ask for my forgiveness. And you sure as hell do not get to stand there and criticize my relationship and accuse Lexa-"

"Your relationship?" Abby asked angrily as if solving this one thing about her daughter would fix all the problems between them. "Clarke, you aren't gay!"

Clarke's laughter at the comment held a sense of disbelief. "You act like I care about the fact that Lexa is a woman. You act like it is what she has, or doesn't have between her legs that made me decide that I loved her. It has absolutely nothing to do with that!"

"Except that it has everything to do with it!" Abby cried out. "You'll never be able to get married at our church. You'll never be able to have children. What kind of fulfilling life do you expect to have with this woman?"

"Really?" Lexa took a step closer and pushed her side against Clarke who leaned into her for support before continuing. "First off, I never want to get married somewhere that is so narrow minded and bigoted that it doesn't recognize love for what it is. And second, Jesus Christ, Mom, you are a doctor for crying out loud. You know that it's entirely possible for us to have a baby. There's artificial insemination, there's adoption!"

"A child needs a father!" Abby cried out.

"A child need a parent who loves them unconditionally and who is there for them! I guess, lucky for me then that I had Dad because I obviously didn't have that with you."

The hurt behind Abby's eyes was obvious to everyone in the room. But denial seemed to run deep because not a moment later a finger was being pointed in Lexa's direction. "This is all your doing!"

"You don't get to blame Lexa for this!"

"Of course I-" but Abby was cut off by the sound of a knock at the door. And in that brief moment Lexa recognized a small smirk at the corner of Abby's lips as she retreated to answer the door, both girls following behind.

"Hello, Mrs. Griffin," a male voice said that seemed to make Clarke freeze instantly. Lexa looked at her, trying to understand what was happening but her eyes were latched onto the boy that entered the room. He was their age with shaggy brown hair and eyes to match, a cocky grin plastered to his face and Lexa doubted he ever found himself without. "Hello, Honey Bee," the boy then said as he stared at Clarke with hungry eyes and immediately Lexa had this urge to punch the boy in front of them.

"Finn," Clarke answered in response and it was as if a ton of bricks fell upon Lexa's chest along with the realization that she was staring into the eyes of her girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. She didn't know what she had expected of the boy who used to sleep with her girlfriend, but whatever it was, it wasn't this. A part of her hoped that she would find some unattractive slob that Clarke would have absolutely no interest in but her girlfriend's blue eyes were a mix of so many emotions that Lexa could hardly decipher them all. Anger, hurt, sadness, longing. It was that last one that threw her and made her feel dizzy.

A timer went off in the distance and Lexa vaguely remembered setting one for breakfast but Abby was quick to recover. "I'll grab that and leave you two," she emphasized the number, Lexa clearly wasn't included, "to talk."

"What are you doing here, Finn?" Clarke asked with a short tone, one that Lexa recognized as one the blonde often used to mask emotions.

But the boy smiled obliviously and Lexa found herself detesting him more and more by the second. "I was hoping that the two of us could talk alone. It's been awhile and I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Lexa could see the conflict behind her blue eyes as if she was trying to find a reason to deny his request. A request that seemed to involve Lexa leaving her side which she had no intention of doing, at least not until she heard Clarke say "Fine, let's talk," and her heart fell into her stomach.

Lexa cleared her throat. "I'll be upstairs if you need me." A hand gripped at her wrist as she turned to leave and she found Clarke looking up at her as if asking for understanding. This was something she needed to do on her own and while Lexa hated it, she did understand.

She wasn't sure what made her do it. Okay, that was a lie, she knew exactly why she did it. She didn't want to leave this room without showing Finn exactly who Clarke belonged to. Which was stupid because she understood that Clarke wasn't property to be owned and yet she needed him to know whose lips she kissed and whose name she moaned in the throws of passion.

Her lips hungrily found the blonde's who in that moment seemed to forget exactly where they were and kissed her back with a passion, their sexual frustration boiling over onto the surface. Hands hungrily gripped at the fabric of her t-shirt pulling her in as Lexa grabbed onto Clarke's hips, crashing them into her own as a small moan left the blonde's mouth. And just as quickly as it started it ended as Lexa pulled away to shoot Finn a glare that held within it every threat she could muster and he looked away clearly displeased.

"Ok," Clarke seemed to respond in a daze behind hooded eyes and it was the last thing Lexa saw before heading upstairs where she found Abby waiting for her with a satisfied grin, clearly having missed that kiss.

"You're the one that asked him to come over," Lexa said. It wasn't a question, she already knew the answer.

"Afraid she'll realize that she doesn't love you?" Abby shot back and Lexa hated that the statement rang somewhat true in the back of her mind. In the place in her mind that said that Clarke and Finn had a history that Lexa would never understand. A history that could pull Clarke back in to the mistake that is Finn Collins. But she lied anyway.

"Not at all. More so I'm disgusted."

"Disgusted?" The woman asked intrigued and in that moment Lexa didn't care about playing nice or wanting Abby to like her. She couldn't find it in herself to care anymore.

"Honestly, Mrs. Griffin, I am angry that Finn is here but what I'm disgusted about is that you care so little for your daughter that you're the one that brought him here." Abby looked confused and was about to interrupt her but Lexa would not allow it.

"Her Dad died and you were nowhere to be found. And I get it, really I do. I get running away into your own world to deal with your grief and not realizing that your family is depending on you to be there. But when her Dad died she had you and she had Finn, the boy who claimed to love her, with whom she had wasted four years of her life. And not only were you not there but he left her. He left her all alone because she was no longer fun and easy for him. He left because instead of wanting to be there for her, it was easier to run. So yes, I'm disgusted.

"And I get that you don't like me, I don't need you to like me. But if you plan to be a part of Clarke's life then I need you to put her feelings in front of your own. And you bringing him here to try and get rid of me is putting her back in that place where she had to watch him walk away while she blamed herself. And now you get to live with the knowledge that today you cared more about what you want for your daughter than you care about your daughter not suffering. Congratulations."

She didn't bother to stay and see the way Abby's jaw dropped or the way her eyes flooded with recognition of what she had done. Instead she bolted into her room to fight back the tears that so desperately wanted to fall as she tried not to succumb to the idea that Abby had been right and that it was Finn that Clarke had been waiting for all along.

\----------

Her mind, her thoughts, her emotions - it was all a complete cluster fuck. The morning had started out blissful as she had awoken from sleep feeling well rested and weightless as if coming out to her mother had removed a weight from her shoulders that she didn't even know was there. And yes, she was a little disappointed that she woke up feeling so at ease without the sensation of a body flush against her back, without sleepy hands kneading at her chest or soft lips pressed against her shoulder. But it wasn't the first time Lexa had left the bed before she had awoken and Clarke knew that it wouldn't be the last. So instead of sulking she let the happiness of her coming out supply a grin to her face as she quickly got dressed before seeking out her girlfriend.

What she hadn't expected was to walk downstairs to the sound of her mother explaining how she assumed that Lexa had taken advantage of her daughter's grief in order to have sex with her. She had expected Lexa to say something, to stand up for herself. What she saw was her girlfriend's rigid body shaking as if unable to move otherwise as she shot a glare at her mother filled with so much anger that she had no idea how it was that her mother wasn't cowering.

And she couldn't explain how it was that she knew what to do but she found herself standing in front of the brunette, slowly bringing her down and away from the place in her head that her mind had escaped to. And she could see it in her eyes as she came down slowly as if gears were being adjusted until they fell back into place. And Clarke herself felt as if she were being brought back down into the calm of the storm.

But the eye in the storm was only a momentary safe haven as she turned to her mother and couldn't stop the argument that she had left waiting for them the night before when she had just left. And she didn't know what was worse, the fact that her mom refused to accept her own life choices or the fact that her mother seemed to believe it was all some delusion brought upon by Lexa's sexual desires.

And then there was Finn. The boy who for almost four years of her life had been one of the most important things to her, had been a comforting constant. Whose shaggy hair she used to find sexy and brown eyes she used to find deep and soulful. And his nickname for her just fell from his lips so effortlessly that it brought the memories of happy times together crashing back to the front of her mind. Happy memories that battled against still open wounds from her father's death and of his leaving. Wounds that she wanted to close, that she needed to heal, that led her to ignore the anger she could feel radiating from the hand enclosed in her own as she basically asked Lexa to give her space to deal with this alone.

And as if things hadn't been confusing enough: that kiss. One month. It had been one god damn fucking month since she had gotten laid. And it wasn't from Lexa's lack of trying the week between now and their conversation outside of that ice bath. But every attempt seemed to be accompanied by a wince of pain that Lexa tried to cover up, or a hitch in breath that was more telling of her bruised side than her desire. And so three times, three fucking times, she stopped them from what they were doing, leaving both of them hungry and wanting as Lexa jumped into a cold shower and Clarke to take care of herself on Lexa's bed against the smell of her girlfriend's scent on her pillow that she pressed into with her face.

So yeah, she got a little carried away, or a lot carried away because it was a kiss that wasn't soft and gentle or even caring. It was one filled with intent, so much intent that it made her shudder. And she felt slightly pathetic at the fact that she practically mewled at the feeling of Lexa yanking their hips together. And she was content to follow her up those stair in that moment except when she pulled away, certain that she would see eyes black as night staring back at her, they weren't. She could see the warning glare being shot in Finn's direction and it left Clarke spinning yet again. And normally she would find it in herself to be mad that this roughness was all for show but it was just so fucking hot that she couldn't seem to think over her own libido.

"So you're really embracing this whole college experience, aren't you?" Clarke flinched at the words as she came crashing down from the high that was Lexa Woods, finally brought back to the reality of her surroundings and the implications of his words. She could hear what really sat there, underlying his statement and words like _experimentation_ came to mind. As if being with Lexa was just like testing out being with another girl because it was something people tried at college.

"What are you doing here, Finn?" she asked the boy a second time

Saying his name brought up feelings all on its own. How many ways before had she said that name? She had said it in admiration after he had written her a song for the first time. She had said it in joy as they sat on a park bench just outside the city enjoying ice cream together. She had said it in anger during their first fight when he had seen her talking to some guy at a party they were attending. She had moaned it the first time they'd had sex though the experience was more a matter of fumbling and though it felt good, she had moaned his name because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. She laughed it when he told her the story about how his dog Humpty got his name. And she had cried it into her pillow when he ended it less than a month after her father had died.

"I heard you were in town and I wanted to come see you."

She froze, immediately suspicious. "You heard that I was here? From who exactly?"

He seemed to mull it over as he tugged at the bottom of his cotton t-shirt, something he did when he was fishing for an answer, something that she wished she didn't know about him but found that she couldn't really forget. She was aware of his tells and his intricacies and not enough time had passed between them for her not to see it. "It's a small town, Clarke," he finally supplied. "You and I both know how quickly news spreads in a city as small as this."

The answer didn't sit well with her and his nostrils sort of flared the way they always did when he wasn't being completely honest but that wasn't what was important right now. "Look, I don't know why you came over but if it was to just come say 'hi' and chat, I'm not really in the mood. It's been a bit of a rough morning and I-"

"I miss you!" Three words. Half a year ago she would have given anything to hear those three words uttered from his lips and now they just seemed to tear her apart at the seams. And it wasn't because she wanted to hear him say it now, she had absolutely no interest, but she spent so many nights praying to hear it and now that she had, a small part of the girl that she used to be, the girl that thought what she felt from him was actually love, yearned.

"Finn," she sighed, annoyed with herself that she kept saying his name as if it made her feel better to let the single syllable fall from her lips, "don't start." She could see where this is going. She had wanted it up until the point where she left for college and maybe a little after that. But now she knew that she no longer did.

"No," was his response. "I fucked up, Clarke! I left you when I should have stayed. I felt inadequate because nothing I did seemed to make you feel better and instead of fighting I let my insecurities talk me into leaving." She wasn't sure what it was that she wanted to hear. It would have been easier to hate him if he said he had left because he just didn't have time to deal with her shit. A part of her hoped that this would have been the case but here he was looking like a kicked puppy. But she could hear Lexa's voice in the back of her mind telling her that this was just another excuse.

"I'm sorry that the grief I felt after losing my father made you feel inadequate," she spat in his direction as she crossed her arms and looked away. There was a stinging in the air, it wasn't that she suddenly felt a need to cry. Or at least that is what she told herself.

"I'm not trying to blame you," Finn said with a sigh as he reached out and grabbed a hold of her arms where the sleeves of her t-shirt met skin the way he always used to when he comforted her when she'd had fights with her mom and went to him seeking acceptance. She hated that a part of her still felt comfort. "I would do things differently if I could."

"There is no going back, Finn. And honestly? Even if we could go back I wouldn't want to." Sure, even if things had been different and he would have stayed she still would have met Lexa. And what then? Would her being with Finn have stopped the flutter in her chest or the desire in her gut the moment she laid eyes on the striker? Sure, neither one of them would have made a move out of respect for Finn but could she have honestly stayed away from the green eyed brunette for long? She honestly didn't think she could. Even in this other life she still would have found her way to Lexa.

"Because of her?" And that was the jealous Finn that she knew well, crawling back to the surface and undoing the way his perceived good intention had crawled into her mind. It was like she could breathe again, as if it were the cure to break his spell.

"Not just her," she said, pulling away from his grasp. "You and I wouldn't have worked, Finn. I cared about you a lot and there is a part of me that still does care for you but what happened between us needed to happen."

Maybe she should have seen it coming. Maybe she should have noticed the way his eyes drifted lower. But maybes didn't stop the fact that one moment she was telling him that a part of her still cared about him and the next her lips were enveloped by his. It was as if her mind had no control of her body. It screamed for her to push him away and yet she didn't move an inch in any direction. Dry lips pressed sloppily against unmoving ones and rough hands moved across the skin of her neck. Everything about it felt wrong and she found herself wondering how the hell she ever enjoyed this.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there unmoving. It wasn't until she felt the push of a tongue across her bottom lip that everything came flooding forward as she regained enough control to push her hands against Finn's chest, dislodging their lips as he staggered back three feet in shock.

"In what world was that an invitation to kiss me?" She finally spat with a heaving chest, her mind spinning.

He looked at her incredulously. "You're seriously telling me that you don't want this?" It was as if the idea was inconceivable to him.

"I don't want this. You and I are over, Finn. And I'm with somebody else!" Someone who treated her better - is what she should have added. Someone she loved more than she could ever love him. But that last statement seemed too harsh.

"Oh come on, Clarke! There's no way that whatever you and that chick have going on can compare to what we had. And I don't just mean emotionally but physically. There is absolutely no way you can tell me that you are able to feel all that much in the bedroom with another girl. I mean sure, it probably feels nice but-"

"Why is it that some guys think that the only thing that makes sex worth while means having a dick in the bedroom? Because that's what you're aiming at, right?" She laughed at the absurdity of it while she shook her head in disbelief over the confirmation in his blinking response. "I hate to break it to you, Finn, but you were a pretty shit lay."

"Screw you, Griffin," he spat as the anger danced in his eyes.

Clarke couldn't help herself. "My girlfriend is usually the one to take care of that. I've never had to fake an orgasm with her though. I guess that makes you two polar opposites."

"You're so full of shit," he said with the shake of his head as if he were trying to convince himself that she was lying for the sake of hurting him. And while she wasn't lying, she was better than this. She was a better person than this. She didn't want to hurt him she just wanted closure. She wanted that part of her life to just be over.

"Look," she said with a heavy sigh, "I didn't come home to fight with you and I didn't come here to try and get you back. You really hurt me, Finn. When you left I was lost and alone and I blamed myself. I blamed myself for grieving over my father and you did that to me. I know you didn't apologize for that but I forgive you anyway. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to move on."

For as bad as he was at times, Finn was never one to stay mad when she used that tone. And he took a step forward as if to comfort her but Clarke took a matching step back and he was reminded to keep his distance. "I still love you, Clarke." She wished the sadness of his voice didn't still pull at her heart strings the way it did now.

There is a very thin line between love and hate. She cared for Finn for years and that isn't something that was just going to go away. Maybe emotions float between that thin line because for months she had thought that she had hated him for what had happened but she didn't hate him, not anymore. She had way too much love in her life to worry about the pain that he had brought her. But it didn't mean that she didn't still care. And she knew that there was a piece of her that always would care about him no matter how much she didn't want to. He was her first for so many things and he always would be.

"But I don't love you, anymore." She got no joy from the statement and it didn't feel as if a burden had been lifted from her shoulders. The pain behind his eyes was real and she knew that she had been the cause of it. "I really hope that you find someone who will love you just as much as you love them. I just can't be that girl anymore."

As she watched Finn leave for the last time she couldn't help but feel as if that door to that part of her life had closed along with his walking away. It was cathartic and she felt as if she had been drained. She didn't want to deal with her mother who she knew was probably sitting in her upstairs study though she probably should have. Instead she found herself back in the guest room as she closed the door behind her.

Lexa's back was to her as she seemed to be leaning over to rest her hands on the windowsill as she gazed down at the backyard through the glass. Her hair was tight and damp as if she had just taken a shower. Her back seemed to stiffen as if she recognized the new presence in the room but she didn't turn.

"I always wanted to have a tire swing when I was younger."

Clarke walked up behind her and wrapped her hands around her waist, leaning in to press her chest up against her girlfriend's back. She nuzzled into the area where her neck met her back before placing a soft kiss there and Lexa seemed to let out a long breath in response. She smelled of pine and smoke and just a hint of vanilla. Just a hint of the blonde.

"My dad put that up for me when I was about four. He used to push me on it for hours." She didn't have to look out the window to know what it was that Lexa was staring at. She didn't want to look, she was too content with her eyes closed snuggling into the defined muscles of her girlfriend's back. "I think he was sad when I leaned how to swing myself. I pretended that I didn't know how for years so that he could keep pushing."

She could almost hear the small smile in Lexa's voice. "I'm sure he knew and I'm sure he loved you even more for it." There was a wistfulness in her statement but she said nothing more. She asked nothing from her and Clarke knew that she loved the woman more for it.

"It feels good having told Finn that it's over."

The mention of his name seemed to make Lexa stiffen. She said nothing for the next few minutes as if she were trying to figure out what to say. "Will you miss him?" She finally asked and Clarke couldn't help but feel as if it were a loaded question.

Finn was her old life and Lexa was her new one. She might say that she would find herself nostalgic but she wasn't going to miss him. There's nothing that Finn could offer that Lexa couldn't give her and there was so much more that she was willing to offer of herself to Lexa than she was him. But she couldn't miss the uncertainty in the brunette's voice.

"I'll miss being the more attractive person in the relationship," she answered with a small smile and she could feel Lexa's laughter more than she could hear it and yet she could still hear the melody of it ringing in her ears.

"Why?" Lexa asked in a teasing tone that made Clarke smile more. "Are you planning to break up with me for someone more attractive than you, Princess?"

Even despite the use of her nickname Clarke smiled largely as she shook her head into the brunette's back. "Never."

A few more moments passed in silence but it finally felt comfortable again in the small room. "I told my mother last night that I was in love with you."

Lexa turned in her arms and Clarke could see the redness around the rim of her eyes as if she had been crying. She wanted to ask her if she was okay but the older girl spoke up before she could. "And are you?"

"Am I what?" Clarke asked confused.

"In love with me," and the uncertainty was back in her voice and Clarke hated what this morning seemed to have done to her once very confident girlfriend.

She wanted to tell her that of course she was, that what it was obvious. Because of course she did and it most certainly was. But that isn't what Lexa needed to hear. She needed something gentler, something with more certainty. "Very much," she said it in a whisper. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you."

She didn't say it back and she didn't need to. It was in her eyes that shone brightly as they looked into each others' eyes. It was in her lips as she kissed her softly. It was in her arms as they wrapped around her. Clarke didn't need to hear the words, not when she had this. "Come to bed with me?" Clarke asked despite the fact that it wasn't even noon.

She watched Lexa pull back to look at the bed, then back to her, then to the bed almost comically. A battle was waging behind forest green. "We cant, Clarke, not in your mother's house."

Clarke straightened for a moment confused until she realized that the brunette had thought that she was asking for more than just a nap. She couldn't stop the laugh that spilled from her mouth. Even after her mom had been a horrible bitch only a few hours before, her girlfriend was still concerned with respecting house rules.

"My father would have loved you," Clarke said as she pulled Lexa onto the bed and into her arms.

Lexa laughed. "From what you tell me, the man loved almost everyone he met!"

Clarke just shrugged, pulling her in closer. "He didn't like Finn."

"He was a very smart man."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So truth be told, I had hoped to include another dinner scene into this chapter but this one just seemed to get away with me. So that might just mean that we get another chapter out of this story so maybe we will hit 51 chapters instead of 50. 
> 
> I know a lot of you wanted me to have Clexa just destroy Finn but I wanted this to be more about Clarke healing instead of just getting revenge. I hope that you guys still enjoyed that interaction. 
> 
> Next chapter should be out on Monday or Tuesday. We will get that dinner and we will also be introduced to a character mentioned in the first chapter, a character I rather enjoyed in the show. I think I may also have some smut in the next one as Clarke is clearly sexually frustrated. I know some of you wanted to hear all about Raven's gift so maybe that'll happen. I guess we'll see...
> 
> And thanks so much for all the comments. That last chapter had more comments than any other chapter. Though it may have just been because y'all know your literature...or you know, because Pride and Prejudice is an amazing book!


	43. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 42: (The notification e-mail for this chapter never sent just in case you rely on those to get the chapter updates)  
> Finn made his appearance and Lexa finally gave Abby a small piece of her mind.
> 
> \---
> 
> So a warning in advance, this chapter is a long one. The longest one by quite a bit actually. It would have been a normal length chapter but I promised smut in this one because a few people requested it and so here is your warning. If you do not like smut or shouldn't be reading it (like at work - though I know a few of you that won't stop yourself from reading it there, you know who you are and I love y'all for it) then skip the last portion of the chapter. You'll know if when you see it.

"We don't have to stay, Lex. We could leave right now and be home in time to fall passionately into bed."

Lexa laughed as she tightened her grip on the hands around her waist, acutely aware of Clarke's lips forming a pout against the back of the base of her neck. She had waited for Clarke to wake up from their nap this afternoon before leaving the bed, having learned from her mistake this morning. But as feathered kisses quickly turned to wandering hands and strategically placed thighs she had to pull herself away from her girlfriend who had been complaining ever since.

"Clarke, you are tainting my experience of your childhood room with mentions of adultly activities." This is where Lexa now found herself, standing in the middle of Clarke's room with the blonde draped around her back as she tried to take in the little pieces of the girl Clarke was before Lexa met her.

The walls were a very light shade of blue, a shade lighter than the light pink bedsheets that adored the twin sized bed. Pictures of a very young looking Clarke were plastered around her vanity mirror. They were pictures of her with groups of kids likely friends from high school, of her and her parents at what appeared to be her middle school graduation and there was a single picture of Clarke and Finn laughing together at some joke that couldn't be caught in picture form.

Seeing her happy with Finn brought a pang to her chest that she couldn't describe. It was jealousy mixed with something else. Longing perhaps. Maybe it was fear. Either way she tore her gaze away knowing that she was being ridiculous. Clarke loved her. She didn't love Finn anymore. So why was it that she couldn't shake this feeling?

"If someone wanted me pure of thought then they really shouldn't have kissed me like _that_ in the living room." Lips moving against her neck, accompanied by the brushing of teeth made her shiver and succeeded in pulling her away from any thoughts of lost loves. In fact it was becoming harder to think much at all as her lower extremities clenched in lustful longing.

Clarke hummed against her skin and it seemed to vibrate through her very core making her shudder. "Babe, you just taste so good." Lexa couldn't help the quiet moan that escaped her lips as Clarke's hands began to slide lower against her body.

"Your mother is downstairs," Lexa warned with closed eyes as she tried to memorize this sensation. It had been too long. It had been way too damn long.

"So we'll be quiet," Clarke suggested. But just as fingertips reached below the waistband of her boy shorts, Lexa jumped away from Clarke as if she'd been shot from a cannon.

"Clarke," she said with strained breath, "you are completely incapable of remaining quiet."

Dark eyes seemed to rake over her as if they were drinking her in. "But you can," Clarke suggested as she took a predatory step forward causing Lexa to take another step back.

Lexa just shook her head, though she wasn't sure if it was to tell her girlfriend no so much as it was for her attempting to wipe her own thoughts clean. "No way, Clarke. There is no way that I am getting off and you're not getting off." It had been a long time for the both of them and there was no way in hell that she was going to find herself blissed out and boneless while her girlfriend remained tense and deprived.

But Clarke seemed to have other ideas as she continued forward causing Lexa to back into the girl's dresser, lifting her body up slightly as the blonde pushed up against her hungrily. "Tell me you don't want my head between your thighs and I will walk away." Her voice had dropped a few octaves into a sultry voice that always did it for her. Lexa's legs felt weak.

Did she want it? Yeah, she most definitely did. Her body was screaming for it. Her heart was beating out of her chest, the heat in her body now seemed to fully reside in her lower half and Clarke's breath against her almost felt like a caress. And there was no way in hell that Lexa was going to be able to tell Clarke that she didn't want her mouth on her. Hell, she didn't know how to say that she wasn't desperate for it.

Clarke had this affect on her. She made her head feel fuzzy and she seemed able to render her void of logic. There was a reason she needed to say no. There was a reason she wanted to wait until they got back home. But she couldn't remember why. She needed to remember why. She needed to get Clarke out of her head. She needed to think of something else. Something that had nothing to do with Clarke now running her fingers up and down the skin of her stomach, something that the blonde really seemed to enjoy. No, not that, she couldn't think about that.

Then finally she thought of something not Clarke. Though why the speech she said to herself before every game was _that thing_ she wasn't sure. She also sure why it was that she started saying it aloud.

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or the doer of deeds could have done better."

Clarke seemed to freeze and had pulled back, looking at Lexa as if she had just blown a gasket. "Lexa," she questioned, her voice stretching on the last letter in confusion. And Lexa could feel her mind become clearer at the loss of contact. So she keep going.

"The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in worthy course."

Clarke took a full step back and placed her hands on Lexa's shoulders and suddenly the air wasn't completely overpowered by vanilla and pine and that unnamable scent that was so completely Clarke. Her heart was beginning to beat normally again with this distance.

"Who at best, in the end knows triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

Clarke groaned. "Lex, is there a reason you are quoting Teddy Roosevelt to me right now? Is this some soft of kink of yours because I'm not getting it."

Lexa took in a deep breath. "Apparently Theodore is the only one who can protect me from your sexual prowess."

Blue eyes looked at her and the look of confusion turned to amusement and then Clarke was doubled over laughing. Lexa allowed herself a small grin as she watched her girlfriend holding her side as she tried to take in breaths between laughs. "My God, babe," she finally got out, "that has to be by far the nerdiest thing that I have ever heard!"

"It's not that nerdy," she mumbled as she crossed her arms over her chest in faux annoyance.

"You just quoted, verbatim, the twenty-six president in order to prevent me from seducing you. I don't think that there is a more nerd-like way to kill the mood."

Lexa huffed. "I could have quoted any one of Newton's laws of motion."

Clarke let out a small chuckle. "You really aren't helping your case at all. But don't worry, it's cute." She gave Lexa a little pout before reaching out to play with Lexa's stomach again. But this time Lexa jumped out of her reach.

"Clarke, I am not cute!" She wasn't sure why she took offense to that. Maybe it was because there was nothing about the Commander that was cute. Though it wasn't as if she was the Commander right now, but still. 'Cute' was not a word she would use to describe herself.

"You are a very cute nerd," Clarke said with a sly smile.

"I am not!" She said with a huff as she crossed her arms indignantly and turned her head away from her girlfriend in retaliation.

She could feel hands at her waist. "You should be happy that sexy, cute nerds do it for me."

Lexa chanced a look down at her girlfriend whose blue eyes shone in amusement. "Are you saying that I do it for you, Clarke?"

"Most definitely," she seemed to purr before leaning in towards Lexa's lips.

"With self-discipline, most anything is possible," Lexa said with a smile causing Clarke to groan loudly.

"You are making me despise Teddy right now!"

"Speak softly and carry a big stick," Lexa teased as she immediately got a smack to her arm, her girlfriend pretending to be displeased. At least Lexa hoped she was pretending. Before she could ask a dinging filled the room. "Are you expecting anymore exes?" She asked nervously, recognizing the doorbell.

"I got rid of my only ex," Clarke said with her eyebrows furrowed together.

A man waited in the living room beside Abby. He was a handsome looking man, tall with black hair peppered with a bit of gray. He looked refined but at the same time held a very warm smile, one that got larger as his eyes fell upon the blonde at her side.

"Marcus!" Clarke said as she walked over to the man and embraced him in a warm hug which he seemed to reciprocate with the same enthusiasm.

"Clarke, it's so good to see you. You never come visit me anymore!" He said it as almost a pout which made her girlfriend laugh and Lexa couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry, life has definitely been crazy."

"I've heard," he said with a smile before Lexa felt his eyes fall to her. It was clear that he had heard about her before coming here but he didn't seem at all upset to see her. In fact, his eyes seemed to smile. "Are you going to introduce me?"

Clarke smiled sheepishly. "Marcus, this is my girlfriend, Lexa." Lexa's heart fluttered at the title she now seemed to use without abandon. "Lexa, this is Marcus. He was my dad's best friend and he works with my mom."

Both of them seemed to hold out their hands at the same time, laughing. "Marcus Kane," he said as they gripped hands.

"Lexa Woods," she responded in kind with a warm smile. She had known this man all of one minute and already she felt as if she would like him very much.

"So who's ready for dinner?" Abby asked, trying to sound chipper but her eyes gave away that she felt slightly uncomfortable. She watched Clarke eye her warily but this was probably the most positive Lexa had seen her since she had come out to her and she decided it best to continue the positive momentum.

"Dinner sounds great, Mrs. Griffin." Abby nodded in her direction and made her way to the kitchen with Marcus behind her. This was bound to be an interesting dinner.

\----------

To Lexa's surprise, twenty minutes into dinner and things were going rather smoothly, though they probably had Kane to thank for that. He seemed to fire off one question after another, then talking about the hospital and of people that Clarke seemed to know. Abby didn't say much and she seemed to be avoiding eye contact with the brunette though Lexa didn't really mind. She would rather be ignored than Abby say things to upset Clarke. Enough of that had happened already this weekend.

But it was around the time that Marcus went for a second helping of chicken that Lexa noticed it. Kane and Abby had been slowly gravitating closer to one another since dinner had began. They both began to steal glances at the other during dinner, usually followed by small smiles. But it was when they both grabbed at the serving tongs and their touch lingered for longer than necessary that Lexa knew. And what was worse was that she knew that Clarke had no idea.

"Shit," Lexa muttered unintentionally after she realized that she had no idea what the protocol was here. Was she supposed to tell Clarke? Was she supposed to say nothing? Could she pretend that she didn't notice? Unfortunately for her, her momentary lapse and outburst did not remain unheard as three pairs of eyes met her.

"What is it, Lex?" Clarke asked but Lexa lifted her gaze to meet Abby's. Lexa knew and she could tell by the worry in Abby's eyes that she knew that Lexa knew.

"Nothing, it's nothing," Lexa murmured, returning to the rice on her plate. And she could feel Clarke's gaze on her, unconvinced.

Abby cleared her throat. "Actually, Clarke, there was a reason that I asked you to come out here this weekend." She could feel the gaze fall off of her and she figured Clarke was now looking at her mother. And Lexa couldn't help it. It was like a knee jerk reaction as she reached out and grabbed onto Clarke's hand under the table as if to let her know that she was there. Though as she looked up she saw that Abby had noticed, though she appeared far too nervous to be upset. And Clarke was back to looking at her confused.

"You see, I needed to tell you something and I thought it really was best to do in person," Abby began as she placed both hands on the table. She appeared as if she were grasping for words. "And I just want to tell you that I wasn't really looking for anything. It sort of just happened. And honestly, after your father I didn't think it would ever be possible for me again."

"Mom," Clarke asked, concerned. "What are you talking about?"

Abby opened her mouth once before closing it. Then repeated the motion again before Kane's hand reached out from under the table to take hold of Abby's hand on the table, entwining their fingers together just as Lexa had done for Clarke to provide his girlfriend support. And Lexa watched Clarke whose eyes were now glaring daggers at their hands.

"Please tell me that you are not sleeping with my mother." The statement was directed at Kane who seemed unprepared to answer that question.

"Clarke," Lexa warned, but Clarke either didn't hear her or didn't care.

"Mom, you can't be serious."

Abby swallowed. "Honestly, Clarke, it wasn't something that I was looking for. It's just after your dad died and you left things just got harder."

"So you decided to sleep with Dad's best friend?" Clarke looked livid.

"It wasn't at all like that," Marcus said pleadingly but it fell on deaf ears.

"And how could you be over Dad so quickly?" Clarke asked seemingly beside herself. "I thought you loved him!"

"Clarke," Lexa tried again only to get blue eyes glaring in her direction as Clarke ripped her hand from the brunette's grip, tearing a piece of herself with her.

"Of course I loved Jake," Abby said in nearly a choked sob. "He was the love of my life!"

"Then how could you do this to him?" Clarke shouted, standing from the table as her chair screeched against the dining room floor.

"Clarke," Kane tried but he stopped, weary of the death glare now thrown at him.

"This is fucking bullshit!" Then Clarke left, the backyard door slamming behind her.

Lexa stood to follow just as Abby spoke up. "Lexa, it does no good to follow her. You can't really reason with her when she's like this. She needs time."

How many times had Clarke gone after her when she had been the exact same way? How many people had told Clarke not to follow her? She wasn't just going to sit here and make Clarke deal with this on her own. If Clarke wanted Lexa to give her space then she needed to hear it from the blonde's own lips.

"With all do respect, Mrs. Griffin, I'd like to be there for your daughter. If you'll excuse me." Then she followed right behind, the cold air gave her a sense of chilled foreboding as it enveloped her whole.

\----------

All she could think about was her father. Her father and how much he had loved her mother. How he surprised her every year on their anniversary with a rose for every year they had been married. How, despite how tired he was, would rub his wife's shoulders in the evening after he had had a long, hard day at work. How he would kiss her every night before bed and every morning at the breakfast table before leaving for work. And she couldn't help it. All she could do was think that her mother didn't deserve her father.

She said that she loved him, that he was the love of her life but how could she just forget him? How could she just move on? And with his best friend no less! It wasn't right. Nothing about this was right.

"Clarke?" She didn't think. She just threw herself into the arms of her girlfriend as if her voice had called out to her like a siren. She got lost in the warmth of her body and in the comfort of her arms. She let her tears brand lines into the skin of her neck and her sobs to reverberate against her sternum. Lexa was an immovable object, the rock Clarke needed to cling to.

"She just forgot about him, Lex. It's as if he wasn't even here!" Arms held her tighter as the voice hummed her down. They stood like this for what felt like hours but was realistically closer to fifteen minutes. It was only when she pulled away that Lexa actually said something.

"I'm sure your mother hasn't forgotten about him Clarke."

The blood in her veins began to feel like ice. "You can't honestly tell me that what my mom is doing is okay." She spat the words, expecting Lexa to agree with her. But she didn't.

"It's probably a lot sooner than you would have hoped for, but your mom deserves to be happy Clarke. Kane seems like a really nice guy." She said the words in a calm, hushed tone as if she were a zoo keeper inside of a cage while approaching a lion.

"No," Clarke nearly yelled. "She does not get to just forget my father, find someone else and then expect me to be okay with what she is doing to him."

"Doing to who?" Lexa asked, though she already knew the answer.

"My father!"

She watched Lexa take a deep breath. "How long would your father have wanted her to wait? How long would he demand that she not be allowed to try and move on and find happiness?"

Deep down a part of her knew that Lexa was right, but she had no interest in being reasonable. She had no interest in doing anything other than allowing herself to feel her emotions. And she was angry. At everyone. "You are supposed to be my girlfriend, Lex! You are supposed to take my side!"

"I am on your side!" Lexa tried without success.

"No you're not. You're on her side. And you just keep letting her get away with everything! She's been this complete bitch to you the past two days and you just what? You're on Team Abby now? Would you rather be dating my mom?"

"Of course not," Lexa took a step forward but Clarke stepped back, she felt disgusted. She couldn't understand why Lexa was being this way, why she wasn't supporting her. "I just want to try and give you what would make you happy!"

Clarke groaned. It was bullshit. It was complete bullshit. "How is this better for me, Lex? How is letting my mom off the hook better for me?" She was sure the whole neighborhood could probably hear her.

"She's you're mother," Lexa said pleadingly.

"Who the hell cares?" She asked, eyes stinging. She wanted to cry again.

Lexa crossed one arm across her chest and used the other to pinch the bridge of her nose as if trying to steady herself. "I care," she said, strained.

"Why the fuck do you care?"

"Because I love you," she tried but Clarke knew it was more. There was more that she was hiding from her and it just made her angrier.

"Bullshit!" She spat before repeating her question. "Why the fuck do you care?"

"Because my mom's dead!" Lexa's voice rose an octave louder than hers had been and what followed the statement was dead silence as if her words had punched both girls in the gut. And in that moment Clarke's heart broke for her. She didn't know why her mother's death had anything to do with what was happening here but the pain in Lexa's voice cut through her anger. When Lexa spoke again her words were quiet.

"Do you know what I wouldn't give to see my mom again even if just for five minutes? What I wouldn't give to tell her that I love her?" Clarke stepped forward to place a hand on Lexa's shoulder, a momentary truce between them. "I never told her that I loved her as much as I should have. I should have told her before we got in that car that day. And I know it's not the same and that it's completely selfish of me but I will never get to see my mom again. I will never get to hug her or laugh with her or even fight with her. And here you and your mom are, squandering this chance to be together, a chance I no longer get."

Clarke took a deep breath, trying to absorb everything she was hearing. "Lex, do you think if my mom and I make up that it will somehow bring you closer to your mom?"

The sound that came from Lexa's throat sounded somewhere between a scoff and a cry. "Of course I don't think that. I know that your mom and my mom are," then she paused, "that they were," she paused again trying to figure out what tense to use between someone alive and someone no longer here. She settled with, "I know it's not the same. But I know how much you've missed your mom these last few months and I don't want to see you lose her completely because of this weekend."

Clarke could see it in her then. Her desire to impress Abby, her trying desperately to not fight back, her telling Clarke that she wanted to stay instead of going home, this was her trying to get her and her mother close enough to talk things out and fix the problems between them. "Your mom would have never left you the way my mom did. I'm not sure my mom deserves forgiveness right now."

The statement made Lexa cringe. "Then neither do I," she said flatly. Clarke jerked her head up to look into Lexa's eyes confused. "What your mom did to you, leaving you alone to deal with your grief, is exactly what I did to Anya."

The statement hit her straight in the chest. That isn't what she had meant. "Of course you deserve forgiveness Lexa, you know Anya forgave you. She didn't even blame you. What you did and what my mom did are completely different."

"Are they?" She asked with a humorless laugh. "It wasn't just my mom and step father that died, Clarke. It was her mother and her step-father too. And yet I retreated into my own world and just left her there. And the worst part? I didn't even see any of it until I met you and you were there for me on the anniversary of their death. For six years I had no idea that I left my sister there to deal with this without me because I couldn't think beyond myself!"

"Lexa, that's not-" but fingers were suddenly on her lips as she looked up to loving green eyes that were pleading for her to listen.

"I understand that I have absolutely no right to ask you to forgive your mom. Maybe you're right, maybe she doesn't deserve it. Or maybe you both just need more time. But I'm asking you to at least try and talk to her. And if you don't want to, then that's fine. And if you want to leave right now, I'll follow you anywhere. And if you want to go egg Kane's house then I'll go with you to the grocery store. I love you and I'm on your side. I will always be on your side."

"And if my mom refuses to accept our relationship?" She asked it in almost a whisper.

But Lexa smiled. "Your mom does not get to decide who you do or don't sleep with. And if she wants you around, she doesn't need to like me but she needs to respect your choices in the matter. But she may need to hear that from you."

Clarke took a deep breath and nodded, suddenly very grateful that Lexa had gone with her on this trip. She wasn't sure whether or not she could actually ever fix things with her mom but she did want to try. She missed the woman who used to make her pancakes with extra syrup and whipped cream on the weekends. And the mother who used to dote on her when she was sick. And while they may never get back to that ever again, it was worth it to try.

"You're pretty amazing, you know that?"

Lexa smiled. "I kind of have to be, Clarke, if I wanted a chance with someone like you."

Clarke smiled before pulling Lexa into a long passionate kiss filled with all the love she could. And when they pulled away Lexa quoted, "Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground."

Theodore fucking Roosevelt.

Clarke couldn't help but laugh. "Woods, you are an amazingly sexy, cute nerd who I will stop kissing if she doesn't stop quoting dead presidents."

"Just the live ones, then?"

Clarke sighed to feign being exasperated. "Man, I need to get laid."

\----------

She was nervous as she walked hand and hand with her girlfriend into the kitchen, trying not to be bothered by the fact that her mother looked as if she were trying not to notice it. This was either going to work or it wasn't. She wasn't looking to go in swinging, this wasn't going to turn into a fight. They were either going to talk like adults or she was going to leave and take her girlfriend home with her.

Marcus had his arm around her mother's shoulder as if he had spent the better part of the last half an hour trying to console her. It was hard to ignore the pang in her chest that she felt seeing another man holding her mother this way. It wasn't that she didn't want her mother to be happy again, it was just that it was hard to erase the images of her father doing the exact same thing.

Lexa was the first to break the silence. "Hey Kane, how about we go take a walk around the neighborhood." She understood that this was a conversation she needed to have with her mother alone as did Marcus apparently.

"Sure things, Woods," he said, mimicking the way she had used his last name. "I can show you the house that Clarke broke a window with a poorly kicked soccer ball." It was hard for Clarke to keep from smiling at that. Marcus had always been like a second father to her, always joking that he was the third wheel in his best friend's marriage.

They sat in silence as they watched the pair leave, a somberness filling the room, neither woman knowing quite where to start. "Would you like a coffee?" Abby finally asked as a means to break the silence.

Clarke gave her a small smile. "Maybe something stronger?" Her mother merely nodded before getting up and leaving to the kitchen. When she returned with two tumblers Clarke couldn't help but smile. Whether or not Abby liked Lexa, she at least seemed to share her girlfriend's drink of choice.

"Thanks," she said before taking a sip and allowing the harshness of the whiskey to coat her tongue before it left a searing trail down her throat. Nothing like liquid courage to help her open up about the things that had building between them for months.

"I've been a horrible mother." The statement sat between them like an elephant in the room that neither one of them could continue to ignore. And Clarke wanted to tell her mother that she hadn't been but the truth was that, as far as Clarke was concerned, she had been. Instead she asked the one question that she had asked herself over and over again.

"Why weren't you there for me?" It was a simple question with no simple answer. Things aren't just black and white. Lives aren't lived in black and white but rather in hues of gray. And she could see the pain in her mother's eyes. Her answer wasn't at all what Clarke had expected.

"I blamed myself for not being able to stop what happened. And I knew that the night your father did was the night the better parent died. And I didn't think you would want me around."

The confession was beyond anything Clarke could have ever come up with because there was absolutely no way that she had felt either one of those things. Sure, she had always been much closer to her dad and her dad was the one that she had spent the most time with but that didn't make her mom the bad parent.

She decided to start with the first thing she'd claimed. "Dad had a heart attack. How was that your fault?"

Abby took a long hard drink from her glass and her eyes held this glossed over glaze as if she had been trying not to cry. "I'm a heart surgeon, Clarke. One of the best. And yet I couldn't see the signs!"

"What signs? Dad was healthy, he was active."

"I don't know, but I should have seen something! Maybe I should have made him eat better. Maybe I could have made him walk more. Something, anything." Her fist slammed down on the table in frustration and Clarke couldn't help but reach for it. It was remarkable how her mother and Lexa had so many things in common.

"You can't blame yourself for what happened. You know as well as I do that if you would have banned bacon from Dad's diet he just would have found some other way to eat it." At that Abby let out a small laugh. "And he wasn't the better parent, Mom. You two were just different."

Abby let out a sigh. "But he was the one that you always wanted at your games, he was the one who you were always happy to see at the end of the night. If it was him that was alive, he would have known how to handle all of this," she gestured between the two of them. "I was the one who made the hard decisions, who was the bad guy, the one who wasn't fun."

"Which made you the perfect pair," Clarke said, reaching out her other hand so that her mother's hand was in both of hers. "I didn't need you to be Dad, I just needed you to be there."

"I am so sorry, Clarke. I am just so sorry." Clarke continued to hold her mother's hand through the tears. It was an apology and while it wasn't enough to undo all that had been done at least it was a step forward. A baby step perhaps, but still progress. "I don't know how you could ever forgive me."

Clarke took in a deep breath. "You can start by respecting my decision to be with Lexa." There, she had said it. She loved her mother and despite all that happened she was willing to forgive her but she was not going to choose her mother over the love of her life. She wasn't going to risk her relationship for her mother's comfort. And if her mother really wanted to make things right, to try and rebuild their relationship, this is where it needed to start.

They sat in silence and she could see her mother trying to reason with herself in her head. Several minutes passed before her voice came out soft and low. "It may take me some time but I promise that I will try. It's not easy for me to see you with another woman after you spent your whole childhood talking about boys and marriage and kids."

Clarke nodded. "And it's not easy for me to see you with Marcus but I know he's a good man and I know Dad would have wanted you to be happy."

At that Abby smiled before taking one more deep breath before steadying herself. "So tell me how you and Lexa met." It was a start. And not only was it a start but it was one that they both desperately needed.

It wasn't long before they were talking openly and their smiles weren't forced. And when Lexa and Marcus returned Abby had made an attempt to get to know her girlfriend. She asked all of the motherly questions she would have asked pervious boyfriends and Lexa in turn responded in kind with overly thought out answers and nervous smiles. And when they left the next day her mother had been the first to offer up her hand to her girlfriend and told her that she needed to join them at the lake over the summer, a summer tradition they had done every year for the exception of last year after her father's passing.

"I would love that, Mrs. Griffin." Lexa said as she shook her hand and Clarke snaked an arm lovingly around her girlfriend's waist. "And if you can make it, my family always hosts a large Independence Day at my sister's beach house. I would love for you and Marcus to come and meet my sister."

Abby smiled in return. "Well Clarke was telling me last night how I had to meet Aden so I would love to come. And please, Lexa, call me Abby."

They were baby steps and Clarke was so thankful they were there.

\----------

"Lex, I swear to all that is holy, if you don't come out of the bathroom right now I will go home and take care of myself!"

The minute they had gotten home, the pair became inseparable. It was hard to tell where one body stopped and the other one started. Mouths clashed together and hands ripped at clothing. It was a long weekend, a stressful weekend, and there was only one thing that either of them wanted to do. And as Lexa pulled herself away from the naked blonde in her bed to head into the bathroom, a slew of groans and yells followed her.

And though Clarke was now threatening to leave Lexa couldn't help the one thought that was running through her mind. She had been right. She looked completely and utterly ridiculous in this thing. She looked from the mirror then down between her legs then back into the mirror. There was absolutely no way to make this rainbow colored apparatus sexy and yet she wanted nothing more than to have it fill her girlfriend to the depths in which her fingers couldn't.

Raven's gift to Clarke had sat untouched in her drawer for weeks and she wanted nothing more than to finally break it in. She ignored the thought in the back of her head questioning whether this had anything to do with Finn. That a part of her worried that Clarke might have wanted something that Lexa hadn't given her that he had. And that there was no way in hell that she wasn't going to try and give her everything.

With one final look in the mirror she decided that she was as ready as she was ever going to be and decided to get back into the bedroom in all of her rainbow colored glory.

Clarke was laying in bed, propped up on her elbows. "What the hell took you..." but the words died in her throat as her eyes fell to the object standing proudly between Lexa's legs and the brunette could see the blonde swallow down whatever had lodged itself in her throat.

Lexa cleared her own throat. "I was thinking that we could use your gift finally." She saw the way Clarke bit her lip as if she were trying her best to figure out just what she was willing to do with it. "We don't have to use it, I just thought-"

"No," Clarke interrupted, "I want to. It's just been a long time since..."

Lexa understood. While her fingers were long and she had the habit of using several, they still weren't as thick or as long as the fake cock nestled inside the harness. "We'll go slow," she suggested before making her way across the room.

And she took her time as they kissed, their tongues exploring each others' mouths. Their hands grabbed eagerly at chests and thighs and it wasn't long before they were both gasping against one another. It had been too long. And they both moaned together when Lexa plunged two fingers into the wetness between Clarke's legs to prepare her for the silicon toy that Lexa was having a hard time not grinding against Clarke's thigh in a desire to rub her clit against the leather of the harness.

"I want it, Lex. I want you to take me!" Lexa groaned at the words, at the desperation in the sound of her voice.

"Are you sure?" Lexa asked, searching blue eyes that were so swallowed up by their pupils that they nearly appeared obsidian.

"Beja, niron!" And Lexa couldn't help but shudder. Never had Trigedasleng sounded so sexy than when it fell from the blonde's lips.

She was careful and slow as she ran the dildo between Clarke's lips, lubricating it with her girlfriend's wetness, her stomach clenching at Clarke's moans. She had no idea how it was guys did it. She was sure she would have already blown her load by now just from that sound alone.

"I want you inside me," Clarke moaned and Lexa shuddered once again before aligning the cock against her girlfriend's opening and slowly pushing in. Clarke's face scrunched up in slight pain before quickly dissolving into that look of pleasure that Lexa had so desperately missed.

She waited for a moment before slowly pushing further, stopping every so often to let Clarke acclimate to its thickness before going further. She wanted so desperately to thrust in and relieve the pressure building up between her own legs but the thought of hurting Clarke quickly pushed that desire to the back of her mind.

It was when she was in full depth, with her hips pushed into the blonde as far as she could go that Lexa couldn't stop the feral growl that vibrated in the base of her throat. Clarke mewled and hands reached for her forearms that were planted on either side of the blonde's hips to give her leverage, squeezing as the muscles while she circled her hips.

Lexa pulled out slowly several inches before pushing back into the blonde, the leather rubbing her in just the right way. She wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to stave off her own orgasm as it rubbed against her while she watched the blonde squirming in pleasure.

The slow movement in and out became a slow jog as Clarke's hips began to lift to meet hers as if desperate for more. And when her hips moved faster, Lexa tried to keep pace going faster and harder until the sound of their bodies slapping together began to compete with the sound of Clarke's wetness.

"Oh, God, Lex!" Clarke practically screamed and Lexa couldn't help but lean down and claim her lips, desperate to swallow up her moans as her hips became more erratic drawing moans from deep within her own core.

"Clarke, baby, you feel so damn good." And though Lexa couldn't feel it physically she could imagine the feel the blonde's walls squeezing against the object as if it were a part of herself. And she could feel the buildup in her stomach, a brightness flooding behind her eyes as she reached down between Clarke's legs to rub at the sensitive nerves, desperate for the blonde to come before she did.

She could see the straining in Clarke's neck, she could feel pleasurable pain in her back from Clarke's nails digging into her, every sense appeared heightened as she found herself falling over the edge, Clarke falling along beside her as Clarke let out a scream and Lexa let out more of a yelp.

She continued to thrust her hips forward, though slowly before stopping completely, buried to the hilt as both of them road out their orgasms, aftershocks making both of their bodies quiver. Heavy panting filled the air around them, the only thing killing the silence of the apartment. And when both of them finally came down, Lexa dropped the harness onto the floor and curled up behind the spent blonde who appeared boneless.

"How was it?" Lexa asked when she had finally caught her breath.

"Amazing," Clarke managed to let out before turning her head to capture Lexa's lips in a slow, lazy kiss. "But while I would absolutely love to do this again, I prefer your hands." The statement surprised the brunette who was certain that this was the one part of sex that the blonde had missed by being with her.

"Really?" Lexa asked, unable to contain the surprise in her voice.

Clarke nodded and reached for her hand so that they would be entwined together. "I love the feeling of it being you inside of me. I love the idea that you can feel me squeezing when you're inside of me and the way your body reacts to it. There's no replacing the real thing."

Lexa could feel her heart constrict as she pulled the blonde even tighter into her own body, desperate to get as close as possible to her girlfriend as she could. "I love you so much, Clarke."

"I love you too, babe."

They laid like that, drifting in and out of consciousness before Lexa was awoken by a completely random question. "Why Teddy Roosevelt?"

"Hmm?" Lexa asked, her mind unable to compute the connection.

"Why quote Teddy Roosevelt when trying not to think about having sex with me?"

Lexa laughed before planting a kiss against the blonde's shoulders, a hint of salt against her lips. "I don't know. Titus used to quote him all the time like he was his hero. That quote about how it's better to try and fail than to not try at all was something he told me during my first championship game in middle school when I was almost too nervous to play. I guess it just stuck with me. I read it to myself before every game."

Clarke hummed, as if pleased with this response. "I love learning new things about you." Then she laughed softly, almost as if to herself. "Speak softly and carry a big stick. That seemed almost completely apt for what we just did."

And Lexa laughed. She couldn't help but agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you that requested something involving Raven's gift to Clarke, hopefully it was what you were looking for. It probably could have been longer but (1) this was a long enough chapter as is and (2) this story isn't rated elicit! I had fun writing it though.
> 
> So I'm thinking the next chapter will probably come out sometime between Friday and Saturday. I know these last few chapters have been a roller coaster of emotions and I wish I could tell you that the next one won't be but I only have so many chapters left to get everything in so keep those seatbelts fastened!
> 
> I love getting all your comments, you guys are the best!


	44. Unnecessary Guilt Breeds Unnecessary Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 43:  
> Clarke freaked when she found out that Abby was dating her father's best friend Marcus Kane. But this freak out led Lexa to convince Clarke to have a civilized talk with her mother.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I warn all of you now that this was a very hard chapter for me to write and I can't promise that the next one will be any easier. I can tell you all to keep hope though because I would never steer you guys wrong. 
> 
> The next chapter will likely be out on Wednesday/Thursday next week. I'll get it out sooner if I can.

"So just like that your ex walked out your front door and out of your life?"

Clarke was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed while her and Raven recapped their three day weekends together. A week had passed since returning home from her mother's but life had become chaotic between soccer, school and rekindling that sexual fire with her girlfriend that this was the first chance that the two of them had gotten to talk. And they were doing it over beer and greasy pizza, something that Lexa probably would have eyed warily and given her a lecture about before finally succumbing and having a single piece. Raven on the other hand? Between the two of them, they were onto their second box.

By some miracle Octavia had decided to forgive Raven for what had happened and invited her and Harper out to Lincoln's lake house so that the couples could get to know each other better. It shouldn't have surprised Raven so much to realize that Lincoln and Harper would get along so well. After all, the guy did seem to get along with Lexa and there was just something about Harper and her girlfriend that seemed similar.

Clarke had just finished telling Raven all about how her mother had done this complete one-eighty and how her weekend had gone from being horrible to being rather decent. In the last week her and her mother had talked twice and both conversations were more personal and free flowing than all of the conversations they had had over the past few months. And while neither had lasted more than twenty minutes, it was the most connected she had felt to her mother in a long time.

"Yeah, Ray. It was really tough seeing him again and it was harder hearing that he still had feelings for me but I never had with him what I have with Lexa and I wouldn't give up anything for our relationship."

Just when she thought that there was no way that she could love Lexa more, last weekend happened and she was falling further down the rabbit hole, head completely over heels. She knew Lexa cared about her, she saw it everyday but to see her girlfriend subdue herself to Abby's harsh words and ridicule, to see her bite her tongue when normally she never would, to hold her hand and hug her close all so that she could help in some way to repair her relationship with her mother? It took her breath away just thinking about it.

A part of her hoped that even without Lexa's help she would have eventually found a way to forgive her mother, that her and Abby had a strong enough relationship to overcome this rough point. But a week ago she didn't feel that way, a week ago she had figured her relationship with her mother was what it was and that was this revolving door. But this week hope had shed a glimmer of light in their relationship. And she doubted it would have been there at all if it weren't for her girlfriend's not so tiny nudges.

"From what you've told me about him, Griff, I'm surprised that the guy didn't try and make a move on you to try and prove to you that he's better than Lexa." Raven sounded impressed. Clarke had never painted her ex in the best light and the statement out of her roommate's mouth reminded her why.

"Actually, he kissed me so I guess Finn wasn't surprising at all."

Raven was about to bite into the piece of pizza but immediately froze, her eyes opening wide. She pulled the slice back from whence it came and Clarke was happy that she didn't tell her in the middle of her taking a drink because she was sure she would have ended up with beer all over the front of her shirt.

"Wait," Raven said, holding up her index finger, "you mean to tell me that your ex kissed you and the Commander didn't hunt him down and bury him?"

Clarke could feel her head tilt sideways as if it had a mind of its own as her brows furrowed. "I don't think Lexa knows he kissed me." She thought about it and realized that they had never talked about it. Lexa had spent the weekend not pushing her for answers. Instead she remembered the way Lexa had been looking out the bedroom window, eyes red as if she had been crying. They didn't talk abut Finn, not really. At least not about the kiss.

Raven on the other hand looked as if she was a mix between shock and something that resembled anger. "So a boy kissed you and you didn't think it was important enough to tell your girlfriend? And it was not just some boy but the boy you dated for four years?"

She didn't think it had been important. It's not as if she felt anything. But when Raven put it that way...

"The kiss didn't mean anything," she tried, hoping that this revelation meant something.

Raven seemed even less convinced. "No offense Clarke, but if one of Harper's exes kissed her I would want to know. I mean I probably wouldn't be mad as long as she told me, but I would most definitely expect her to tell me."

The realization hit her hard in the chest. She couldn't imagine someone kissing Lexa and her keeping it a secret. Though it wasn't as if Clarke had kept it a secret, she just didn't think that it was important enough to talk about. But the way Raven was looking at her now, she wasn't sure that she believed that anymore.

"Ray, if I tell her about it now, though, a week later, it looks like I was hiding something. I wasn't hiding anything!"

It wasn't a big deal. That kiss wasn't a big deal. It didn't mean anything. She felt absolutely nothing at all when he had kissed her. So why was it that she suddenly felt guilty?

"I don't know, Clarke. Maybe you're right and it didn't mean anything so it shouldn't be a big deal to just tell Lexa." But Raven looked as unconvinced as Clarke felt.

"Or maybe I just don't say anything," Clarke said in a small voice. The words felt sour on her tongue and made her skin crawl but her mind told her that it hadn't been a problem all week and that there was no reason that it should be a problem now. It didn't mean anything.

"Clarke," Raven warned with a set jaw.

"No, Ray. If it meant something I would have told her. There's no reason to bring it up now. It's fine, we're fine. Just please don't say anything."

Raven sighed before nodding somewhat dejectedly. She didn't like it and it was clearly evident in her face but both of them knew that it wasn't her decision to make.

It was fine. It didn't mean anything. And maybe if she continued to tell herself that, then maybe it would become true.

\----------

Lexa's humming moan sent shockwaves through her body as her stomach clenched and her hands gripped at the sheets. She tried to lift her hips desperate for more friction but a hand was holding her around the waist and in place. Clarke couldn't help the cry that escaped her mouth as she looked down to see brown locks cascading down her stomach as Lexa pulled more of her into her mouth.

But the sight of her between her legs, so close to finishing made this uneasiness sit on her chest as her mind went back to that kiss. That kiss with Finn. The one that meant nothing. The one that she told Raven about almost two weeks ago. The one that she had yet to utter a word to to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend who had her head between Clarke's legs and was trying very hard to push Clarke over the edge. The edge that she was beginning to lose sight of as guilt washed over her.

Everyday was another day that passed, another day that she was lying to her girlfriend and lying to herself as to why. It didn't matter. It didn't mean anything. But apparently it did because every day that passed was a day she felt more guilty and she was slowly starting to pull herself away from Lexa who hadn't said anything but Clarke knew she noticed. She could see it in her side glances when Clarke would get up to move to a different part of the couch and claim she needed to study, or when she would pull too quickly out of an embrace and fill the awkward space with meaningless words.

And now she could almost feel Lexa's frustration as two fingers thrust into her, changing positions, changing speed, pulling apart and nothing seemed to be working. To the brunette's credit she was a trooper, determined to stay down there as long as it took but the harder she tried the more guilty Clarke felt, and the more guilty she felt the less turned on she was. After being down there more than twice as long as it would normally take Clarke finally gave up with a sigh as she moved her hand down to grip at Lexa's hair to tug her back up.

She could feel soft lips slowly walking their way up her stomach to the valley between her chest to the base of her neck while two fingers kept working tirelessly below and Clarke just couldn't take it anymore. With a groan she reached down to grab onto Lexa's wrist to still her hands before pulling it away from her, two fingers pulling out wet and yet not as much as they normally would have been.

"What's wrong?" Lexa asked and Clarke avoided looking at green eyes which she knew wouldn't be filled with anger but instead curiosity and an eagerness to help, to please. Her heart constricted in her chest when she realized that she didn't want Lexa's sympathy. She wanted her anger.

"Nothing's wrong," Clarke lied. "I'm just not in the mood tonight."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lexa asked, cutting through Clarke's bullshit. They both knew that it wasn't nothing.

And yes, she wanted to talk about it. She just wanted to say that Finn kissed her and get it off her chest but it wasn't the right moment. A minute after her girlfriend had been running her tongue across her clit was not the right time. But neither had any of the other times before this.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Did I do something wrong?"

The worry in her voice made Clarke's chest constrict more and the guilt she felt just got worse. Lexa wasn't the one who had done anything wrong. She was. She was the one who deserved this cold attitude directed at her, not Lexa. "You didn't do anything wrong." It was the first honest thing she had said in the last five minutes. "I'm just tired is all." Followed by another lie.

She could hear the disappointment in Lexa's huff as the brunette fell onto her back so that they were laying shoulder to shoulder on her bed. "Sure, fine, whatever you say, Clarke."

She had no reason to be upset with Lexa's tone or the fact that she wasn't believing her lies, but it didn't sting any less. She was being over emotional and irrational. She could have blamed her hormone level or the fact that her guilt had kept her up most nights, barely getting enough sleep to function properly the next day. But no matter what she blamed, it didn't matter. It didn't stop her from sitting up and looking for her clothes, startling her girlfriend.

"Clarke," she sounded exasperated, "what are you doing?"

"I'm going home," she said matter of factly. "You obviously don't want me here."

Lexa rushed to her feet and Clarke could feel arms holding her in place as bare breasts pressed against her back. "Whoa, niron, hold on. I never said that and I didn't mean for you to take it that way. Of course I want you here. I always want you here. We're just having an off day. An off week. These things happen."

Clarke hated the way that she was chalking this up to just a lull. She hated the way that she wasn't blaming her the way she should. She was hating that she felt like crying and turning around to kiss her girlfriend and storming out the door all at the same time. Maybe she hadn't been lying. She felt tired. She was tired.

"Look, Lex, I'm just really tired and things have just been rough with classes and I just really need sleep."

"So sleep here," Lexa pleaded as she swung around and Lexa's naked form now stood in her vision as her left hand reached out to cup Clarke's cheek, a hand that she didn't try and snuggle closer into the way she normally would.

"I told you, I'm just not in the mood." If Clarke wanted to elicit an angry response, that was definitely the thing to say because in an instant the hand holding her face was yanked away and the green eyes staring back at her looked at her as if they didn't recognize her.

"And you think what, Clarke?" Lexa spat. "That I'm going to force you to have sex with me when you're clearly not in the mood for it? That me wanting you by my side at night is just some ploy for me to get laid? Is that what you think?"

"Of course not," Clarke pleaded but as she reached to grab Lexa's hand, it pulled away from her grasp as if her touch physically burned her. "That's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?" Her tone was a cross between pleading and anger. "Because for the last week you've just been pulling away from me and I don't know what's happening. You say I didn't do anything wrong but then you cringe away from my touch and you get defensive when we talk. So what is it?"

It was so fucked up, that's what it was. "It's nothing, I'm just stressed with-"

"Yeah, with school, so you've said." The brunette stood there in all her naked glory as she pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head, more frustrated than Clarke had ever seen her before. "If you want to leave, then just leave."

She sounded as defeated as Clarke felt as she silently put on her clothes, trying not to notice the hurt in Lexa's eyes as she watched her every move as if trying to tell herself that at any moment Clarke would either silently climb back into bed or finally tell her what was wrong. But neither happened as Clarke slipped past her, out of her room and out of the apartment.

Clarke only felt worse when she got to her first class the next morning and Lexa was leaning against the wall with a bag and cup in hand, her eyes holding an unnecessary apology.

"I brought you a hot chocolate and a warm glazed doughnut," she handed them to Clarke who took them with a heavy heart. "I know sugar is your favorite breakfast food so I figured these would make the best peace offering."

She pulled Lexa into a hug and felt two hands tightly gripping her back as if to hold her in place, afraid that she would float away if they didn't tether her down to earth. And Clarke clutched her with the same ferocity because she could feel it too, she could feel this stupid lie tearing her apart and pulling her away. She should have just said it then, but she didn't. She didn't say a word other than "thanks" before taking her gift and heading inside to class.

Things only seemed to get worse. The worst of it coming only six days later.

\----------

The sound of a door slamming pulled Clarke's nose out of her book which she held on her crossed legs while she was seated on the bed of her dorm room. She was startled, not expecting to see Raven during their lunch hour back at their room. The blonde wouldn't have even been there had she not been trying to avoid her girlfriend under the guise of studying, which she figured she may as well force herself into participating in.

Raven had a look of frustration on her face as she threw her bag onto the floor before falling into a seated position onto her bed with her head instantly in her hands. Her body almost seemed to vibrate as she could see her hands becoming fists against her forehead, her knuckles nearly white. "I'm fucked," was all she said as Clarke instantly got up to take a seat beside her best friend.

Clarke didn't ask what was wrong. She wanted to let Raven answer on her own. Though there was a piece of her who was just frustratedly annoyed at the thought of having to hear that phrase one more time. She had heard it more than enough over the past week. And really, if she wasn't willing to give an answer then she really didn't deserve one either.

"My mom lost her job," Raven said with a loud sigh. "And I feel really bad but all I can think about is how my family won't be able to afford to pay room and board next year." Raven had a soccer scholarship that pertained to academic costs. It included things like classes and books but did not extend to cost of living such as room and food costs. Both of which added up to the amount of several thousand dollars through the year. "My parents live way too far from campus to commute and if I can't afford a place to stay..."

Raven's words trailed off as Clarke pulled the girl into a hug but Raven did not return it and remained rigid in her arms. "What if you got a summer job?" Clarke asked though both girls cringed at the thought. Only two weeks earlier Raven had gotten accepted into NASA's internship program. Soccer was Raven's passion but working at NASA was her dream. And this internship was unpaid. Not taking it could mean completely closing the door on the one thing she had dreamed about as a child.

"How about applying for another scholarship?"

Raven groaned. "I've applied for a few but I haven't heard back and I may not hear back until the end of the year. I can't just sit here and do nothing while I wait, Clarke. What if I don't get anything?"

Clarke didn't know what to do. If she had the money she would have offered it. "I can talk to my mom," she suggested. It wasn't as if her mother was loaded but she made a really good living, and with Kane around that income would increase.

"I couldn't do that," Raven said with a sigh.

Clarke just shook her head. "You're my best friend, Ray, of course you-"

"I can't!" She said stubbornly pulling away from the blonde's grasp.

It was Clarke's turn to sigh. "We'll figure it out," Raven's pride making things all the more difficult.

\----------

Raven's bad mood was contagious as the pair walked to practice together. That mixed with the frustration of Clarke's guilt made the blonde feel as if she were only an oxidized reaction away from becoming thermite. All she needed was a little bit of aluminum and a touch of heat and she would combust brightly without any hope of being put out. Unfortunately for her, the needed aluminum came in the form of long bare legs, golden highlights and flirtatious hands on strong forearms.

"Who's the hottie?" Monroe asked as she stepped up beside Clarke who was now frozen in place starting at the scene in front of her as if she were in some weird, bizarre dream world.

"That's Lexa's assistant," Clarke said with a strained neck, surprised she hadn't said it through grit teeth.

Lexa stood there in a tank top and sweat pants that she likely had thrown over her training shorts. Clarke still had no idea how it was that her girlfriend could make sweat pants look sexy. It could have been the fact that Lexa had just went to wipe sweat out of her eyes with the hem of her t-shirt revealing her six pack abs which now peaked out of the bottom of her shirt where Lexa's hand still lay inside, fist wrapped around the hem.

She was laughing at something Echo had said. Echo, who was in a flowy white top and a tight skirt that was a little too short to be seen as professional. Echo who was also laughing as she had a hand on Lexa's forearm as she slyly looked at the skin and muscle peaking out above Lexa's pants. Echo who had Lexa smiling with a smile Clarke hadn't seen in days. The assistant that Lexa swore hadn't ever been flirting with her but just had a friendly personality.

Maybe she had no right to be upset, especially after the hell she had been putting Lexa though. Especially after she hadn't told her girlfriend about how Finn had kissed her. Guilt that she seemed to be projecting on the brunette who Clarke felt looked like she was enjoying herself too much.

"Echo," Clarke said in a voice that was a little too saccharine to be genuine, one that appeared to make Lexa cringe. "It's so great to see you again. What brings you out this way?"

Echo smiled though her eyes looked as if they understood the bite beneath the blonde's words as she inconspicuously removed her hand from Lexa's forearm and averted her hungry gaze away from Lexa's abs. She then lifted a Manila envelope up in the hand that Clarke had ignored. "We needed Lexa to sign the papers for the community center that went through this morning so we could start construction."

Clarke felt a pang in her chest. She remembered the community center vision that Lexa had showed her when she had first gone to visit the brunette at work. She remembered how her eyes sparkled when she talked about her plans for helping the community, how she radiated joy at the prospect of sharing it with the blonde. And yet here she was hearing that it had finally been approved by her girlfriend's flirtatious assistant apparently half a day after her girlfriend had found out.

"That's really great. And it's great how much you care about this project, enough to come all the way out here yourself to get the approvals signed," Clarke said with a little acidity and Lexa looked less than pleased with her insinuating response. "Lexa's lucky to have an assistant who is as invested as you are."

"I am," Lexa said, matter-of-factly, the Commander mask falling into place as an uncomfortable feeling filled the air.

Echo cleared her throat. "Well I guess I will go return these documents to legal then." She gave the blonde a forced smile. "It was nice seeing you again, Clarke." Then she turned to Lexa and her smile was no longer forced but rather one lip bite away from being blatantly seductive. "And I'll see you in the office on Saturday afternoon?" Clarke cringed, unaware of the work plans Lexa had made.

Lexa gave Echo the warmest smile she could behind the Commander's mask she wore. "Tell Gustus to be prepared to open up the bottle we have been saving for this very occasion."

Echo's eyes seemed to sparkle. "You've been dying to open up that bottle of Macallan 1926 since I started working for you. It always made me curious what a bottle of whiskey that costs more than my car would taste like."

"You'll have to let me know what you think. My step-father left it to me and I was waiting for the perfect occasion to open it and this has to be it." Clarke could feel her heart sink deeper into her chest. This was a momentous occasion and Lexa hadn't even shared it with her. But why would she? It wasn't as if Clarke had done much to deserve anything good lately.

"I'm sure it will be an experience I'll never forget," Echo all but purred before turning and walking away with a little extra sway in her hips while she walked away.

"So it's actually happening, huh?" Clarke asked once her and Lexa were alone.

"Yeah, it is," was all Lexa offered.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Clarke knew she had no right to ask, something that became evident with the anger that seemed to flare up inside of green eyes.

To the Commander's credit, her voice remained completely void of emotion. "It's a little hard to tell you things when you're actively trying not to talk to me, Clarke."

"Lex," Clarke tried but the brunette just shook her head.

"I need to get out to the pitch and you need to get changed. Aren't you happy? Yet another excuse for you to avoid actually talking to me."

She watched as Lexa walked away. She wasn't happy. She wasn't happy at all.

\----------

The heat necessary for her chemical like combustion came less than an hour later.

Clarke could feel the sweat rolling down her arms and face as she tried to inhale enough oxygen into her lungs to keep moving, though the pressure in her chest was constrictive and each intake of breath felt like inhaling ice despite the warmness in the air.

They had repeated the drill seven times now and each time the Commander seemed to get more and more frustrated. The drill was meant to push the defense to their limit, demanding that they find creative ways to strip the ball from either the Commander's or Octavia's feet. Their next opponent was known for the high press, applying pressure to defenses until they broke. This meant that they were also susceptible to the counter.

The trick was for the defense to strip the ball and find a way, any way to launch the ball upfield with enough strength to go over the other team's high line but soft enough to not just push it back to the other team's keeper. The problem was that Raven's head just wasn't in it.

Clarke, Harper and Octavia had all spent the hour before practice trying to calm Raven down, trying to get her to try and think positively but it only seemed to make the girl sulk more and she just became more upset. It was evident in her eyes and in the way she held herself as her shoulders slumped forward. She looked defeated and she was playing exactly the way she looked.

"Again!" the Commander called out. Clarke looked at the ball at her feet before making a pass to Indra who was running at Monroe, hopeful that this would give Raven at least one play off but the sound of Lexa shooting off a quick whistle at her best friend caused Indra to pass it to the left leaving the Commander one on one against Raven for the fifth time this afternoon.

Lexa took long strides as Raven began to back up, her eyes on the ball at Lexa's feet. The Commander moved the ball to the outside of her right foot, pushing slightly but not enough to commit. She turned to pivot to the right and Raven jumped, not seeing the obvious bait. Lexa hadn't even tried to hide it well. The Commander stutter stepped quickly causing Raven to fall back onto her heels before she toed the ball forward, right between Raven's legs before easily jumping around Raven who let out a groan.

Clarke could see the way Lexa's back stiffed as she stopped the play, not even trying to take a shot at the now defenseless goal in front of her. The muscles in her back seemed to dance and shift as if she were trying to loosen up the tension in them, trying to calm herself, but it wasn't enough to contain the venom in her voice as she turned to look at Clarke's roommate with a fury.

"Do you not want to be here, Reyes? Because there are plenty of people who would be more than happy to replace you."

Raven seemed to tense herself and her nostrils flared. Though even in anger she seemed to know her place. "I want to be here," she said but her words dripped with disdain.

The Commander sneered and Clarke could feel the anger beginning to grow in her own chest. It was obvious that Raven was hurting and Lexa didn't even seem to care. "I don't believe that for one God damned second! You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself for whatever fucking reason and right now you honestly have no business being on my pitch."

Clarke took several steps towards the pair and she hadn't even realized it as her anger seemed to propel her feet forward.

"I want to be here," Raven said with more conviction as she stared down the Commander with so much hate she was surprised that Lexa didn't falter. But the Commander never faltered and she never let up. The defenders words were not enough.

"If you can't get your head out of your ass then I don't see how it is you actually believe that you want to be here. Your focus is shot, your movement is sluggish, you're too damn blind to see an obvious juke and you are wasting my time and everyone else's time by being here."

"That's enough!"

Clarke could feel dozens of eyes widen as they stared at her as she now stood directly between Lexa and Raven, glaring up at the Commander as if daring her to question her authority. But it was an authority Clarke did not have and everyone there knew it.

"This doesn't concern you, Griffin," the Commander nearly spat but Clarke did not move, instead she took a step forward so she was nearly nose to nose with her girlfriend.

"This absolutely concerns me! You are being a complete and utter bitch to our friend when you know she is having a rough day and it's like you don't even fucking care. You're calm and comforting one minute then cold and detached the next. Honestly, Lex, I can't keep up with your damn mood swings!" Clarke couldn't see beyond her own anger. As far as she was concerned, she was standing up for her friend when no one else would. She didn't even notice that she had broken the golden rule. On this field she was the Commander. No one ever called her by her first name. And it did not go unnoticed.

The Commander stood there with a glare that could have probably killed a man if it had been so inclined. Her chest seemed to heave in uncontrollable anger as her hands flexed in and out of fists. She looked as unstable as Clarke felt and to the Commander that was unacceptable.

"I don't know who the hell it is you think you are right now, Griffin," she said the words slowly and with so much power that Clarke's blood ran cold. "But here on my pitch, you are not my friend, you are not my girlfriend, you are not anyone with the least bit of authority over what it is that I do or do not do. You are to do your job and that's it. And right now your job is to shut your mouth and get back to the other side of the pitch."

"Fuck you, Lex." She thought she had said it in her own head but she had said it aloud for nearly the entire team to hear, many of whom had gravitated closer to the trio as if they were a train wreck that they had been unable to look away from.

The Commander's response was immediate. "Get off my pitch."

The lowly growled command seemed to snap Clarke back into reality as a fear seemed to take over her. "Wait, I didn't mean-"

"Get off my pitch!" This time the Commander yelled, pointing to the stands and Clarke flinched. She could see it in those green eyes that this was no longer negotiable. She would leave by her own will or the Commander would have her removed. Either way, Clarke had no choice in the matter.

So with much dignity as she could muster, she lifted her head high and walked calmly off the field as she pretended to be completely unbothered by the situation. But on the inside she was a mess of emotions.

As soon as she walked off the field she could hear the Commander calling for the play to be done again. It was then that Clarke understood the weight of what had just happened. What the hell had she just done? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry guys.


	45. All Good Things...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 44 Recap:  
> The guilt that Clarke has been feeling has caught up to her leading to a massive fallout between her and the Commander on the pitch.
> 
> \---
> 
> So there were a lot of mixed reviews on the last chapter which I expected. Though there seem to be a lot of you that enjoyed the angst. I gotta say to those people, you will like this one as well. For those that don't, the chapter will at least end with a glimmer of hope. Hopefully you agree.

She stood outside of her locker looking in. The glass bottle sat there unopened and taunting despite the fact that she despised the liquid that it contained. She wasn't sure why she had kept the tequila bottle that she had confiscated from Blake and Reyes last year during the championship game - as there were rules directly prohibiting alcohol from the locker room - but here it was demanding to be opened.

The last two weeks had been torture, emotional torture. She woke up every morning hoping that at the end of the day that things would be better than when they started but they never were. What's worse was that Lexa had absolutely no idea what it was that was going on. What it was that had Clarke reacting as if her touch now disgusted her.

It couldn't have been her mother, that bridge was finally beginning to repair itself. It hadn't been her soccer performance. Even with the two of them not getting along, their chemistry on the field remained unchanged, heightened even. It was as if they shared a brain between them when they were on the pitch, as if they knew where the other would be even before they made the decision themselves. She supposed that it could have been school except for the fact that she knew at least one person in each of Clarke's classes and not one of them seemed to be stressed out in any way about those classes. So what it was was beyond her. Unless it was something she had done.

She had spent hours upon hours laying next to the cold empty sheets beside her in bed and began to try and piece together what it was that she had done wrong. Did she miss an anniversary? No. They celebrated their one month after becoming official but beyond that they hadn't been that couple that celebrated every monthly milestone. It wasn't her birthday. It wasn't her father's birthday, she remembered Clarke saying that his birthday was around the same time Lexa's was. It wasn't the anniversary of something tragic. So what the hell had she done wrong?

What's wrong?

Do you want to talk about it?

She had asked both questions over and over again and she was honestly sick of hearing them fall from her lips. The only thing that she was more sick of hearing was: 'It's nothing' and 'nothing's wrong'. Because honestly it wasn't nothing and there was definitely something wrong. And the more she heard it the more she found herself sick to her stomach that her girlfriend could just lie to her like that. And it wasn't as if it were a secret. Both of them knew it was a lie. And both of them knew that the other knew. It was just this round about vicious fucking cycle that didn't seem to end.

And so the morning came with the best news that Lexa had heard in awhile, or at least the best news as it had pertained to work. The community center had been approved and over the next two years she would be able to start building something that would actually improve upon peoples' lives, something that she could give back to her community, to those that needed what she now took for granted. And as soon as she heard, the one thing she had thought about was how she couldn't wait to tell Clarke and then the moment the blonde's name entered her mind, her good mood began to fade.

When was the last time that they had a honest and open conversation? When was the last time she walked away from the blonde not feeling anxious and downtrodden? At least a week if not longer, closer to two. And she sat there with her phone in her hand debating whether or not to dial Clarke's number before she put the phone down and walked away. This news was big news and she wanted to allow herself to enjoy it, to be happy about it and the idea of bringing Clarke into it right now? She selfishly wanted to keep this good and pure and she wasn't sure it could be if she spoke about it with the blonde.

So she took the field earlier than normal to run sprints. She was fighting with the voices arguing in her head and she just wanted to get rid of them. So she ran until her lungs ached and the sweat was pouring down in droves down her face. She ran until a familiar figure walked up holding a dull yellow envelope.

Echo had come over to have her sign the papers and for that brief moment she forgot about how upset she had been the last two weeks. She stood there, watching her signature dry atop the dotted line and she felt this sense of unwavering pride. Titus would have been proud. Costia would have been proud. Her mother would have been proud. And Gustus and Anya had both already called her to tell her just how proud they were, demanding for a celebration to be had. Saturday afternoon after practice it was decided.

"And here I thought we were going to have to send over Gustus to glare menacingly at the permit comity," Echo had said and Lexa couldn't help but laugh as she used the bottom of her shirt to wipe away the sweat from her eyes, having not the mind to grab a towel before she jogged over to her assistant.

It happened for only a moment. Soft fingers wrapped around her forearm as Echo laughed, her eyes gazing nowhere near her face. Lexa knew she should probably step away, that she had finally realized what it was that Echo was staring at and that she should probably put away her hand and cover up the abs that her girlfriend so thoroughly enjoyed. But in that moment, in that small lapse, it felt good to have someone not cringe away from her. To have someone looking at her in a way that made her feel sexy and appealing.

It was a moment. A moment that she regretted once she let herself think about it. And not a split second later Clarke's voice rang through the air dripping with a sarcastic sweetness that Lexa had to cringe at. What's worse was that she wasn't sure if she was cringing because of what she had just realized, what she knew it was that Clarke had just seen, or the fact that her girlfriend who was avoiding her was now there. It was likely a combination of all three.

Things just went downhill from there. There was the argument before the start of practice and then there was the blow up from the pitch itself. The anger that poured out of her in Commander form was enough to make her physically shake as she demanded that Clarke leave. She was so blinded by anger that she couldn't see straight.

It was one thing for Clarke to be upset at her for Echo It was one thing for her to be upset at her for how she was yelling at Raven. It was one thing for her to be upset at her for whatever it is the fuck that she did to upset the blonde two weeks ago. But it was not okay for her to think that laying it all out on the pitch in front of everyone was okay.

No matter what they were or what it was that was going on, the pitch was a place where nothing else was supposed to exist beyond the team around her and the soccer ball at their feet. And when anyone threatened that philosophy it was the Commander's job to make sure that it stopped. It was why she got in Raven's face. It was why she threw Clarke off the field. And it was why as soon as her presence was no longer felt, she resumed practice as if nothing had happened.

But now practice was over and the weight of her decisions made as the Commander laid heavily on her chest and nothing looked more enticing than the confiscated bottle in her locker. She knew the right move was to close up her locker and to find her girlfriend and demand that the two of them finally talk. But in this moment she was so sick of doing what it was she was supposed to. So instead she grabbed the bottle and thrust it into her bag before entering into the room where the rest of her team got cleaned up to go home.

The room was somber and words seemed to be spoken in hushes and whispers as if the day itself was far too delicate for anything louder than a hum. Lexa could feels eyes washing over her as even those slight whispers turned to silence. Never before had anyone question Lexa's authority the way Clarke had and no one seemed to know just how to react.

"Reyes, got a minute?" Lexa had spoken the request in a level tone but it seemed to scream off the walls in the quiet room, snapping up the defender's head from where it had been planted in her hands.

She didn't get much of a response beyond a nod with eyes that told her that she wasn't really happy to be called upon, no doubt upset about how her roommate had been treated only two hours earlier. But she followed her wordlessly, not even questioning the fact that Lexa was now leading her up the bleachers and into the stands in a portion not bathed in flood lights. Sitting in the dark felt more apt after an afternoon like the one that had passed.

The metallic bench felt icy as the coolness seeped through her track pants and a thud filled the air around them as Raven plopped herself beside the Commander as if a silent curse of retaliation, letting it be known that she didn't want to be here. But Lexa ignored the sentiment as she reached into her bag and pulled out the bottle, breaking the seal almost instantly as she lifted the opening to her lips.

Tequila didn't burn the same way that whiskey did. It sat bitter on the back of her tongue as it burned like fire down her throat. It wasn't smooth the way whiskey was, though it could have been this cheap confiscated bottle. But she could feel the burning inside of her stomach and she didn't doubt the alcohol's effectiveness. She passed the bottle to her left.

"A peace offering?" Raven asked, not turning down what the defender had once explained to be the drink of the gods.

Lexa shrugged. It was, but she didn't feel inclined to share that. "Maybe I just don't want to drink alone."

They sat there in silence for a few moments, both staring across at the field below them, the stadium lighting making the green grass appear dark and enticing. "This doesn't mean I forgive you for what happened today," Raven finally said almost as if to just fill the air with sound.

"Forgive me for what?" Lexa asked, taking another swig from the bottle.

Raven laughed, though the sound held no humor. "You were a bitch to me today." She seemed to mirror the same sentiment as her girlfriend.

"And how would you have preferred I treat you today?" Her tone held the curiosity she felt.

"I don't know," Raven answered before taking a drink. "Nicer maybe? I'm going through something right now. It had my mind reeling."

Lexa just shook her head. "You wanted me to coddle you the way your friends have been all afternoon?" She laughed, "and how much better was your mood after that?" She hadn't asked it to be a bitch, it was merely an observation. Just as she had observed in the past that the defender tended to deal with emotions similarly to the way she did. Coddling made things worse.

When Raven said nothing Lexa turned to see her brows furrowed together and Lexa pulled the bottle from her hand to take another swig. She needed to slow down her intake if she wanted to walk out of here on steady legs. "Face it, Reyes, this is the one area where you and I are alike. Neither one of us wants pity or sympathy. We need to be told we are wrong. We need that tough love. Did you not perform better after I got in your face?"

It was true. Whatever demons seemed to be haunting the girl seemed to disappear, replaced by this fire of hatred she seemed to be emulating for the Commander. And Lexa did what she could to not take it personally. The Commander made the hard decisions and because of it Lexa had to deal with shouldering the anger being hurled towards her more times than she would care to admit.

"Okay, then I'm upset with how you treated Clarke. You didn't have to throw her off the field." Raven sounded bitter as she swallowed down another drink along with the acceptance of Lexa's explanation of the first charge leveled against her.

Lexa sighed. "And what would you have had me do there, Reyes? She showed a blatant disregard for my leadership and she questioned my character as a leader for this team. If you would have treated me that way then I would have thrown you off the pitch as well."

"She's not me, she's your girlfriend!" Raven nearly pleaded and Lexa took another shot of tequila.

"And in what world is it okay for me to show her favoritism just because we sleep together?" Lexa nearly spat. Though it wasn't as if they were really sleeping together as of late.

Raven scoffed, disgusted. "Don't act like what you and Clarke have is just sex."

"I honestly don't even know what Clarke and I have anymore." It was said in a whisper and immediately the bottle was being thrust back into her hands as if Raven was suggesting that Lexa needed the alcohol more than she did. She obliged.

"So I am so sick of asking this question but," she paused not sure she really wanted to ask it again, "what's wrong, Ray?"

Honestly, she didn't expect an answer. A part of her even expected the girl to tell her that nothing was wrong and she had every intention of drinking until she believed her. But Raven wasn't Clarke and she didn't seem intent on lying.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to afford room and board next year, let alone all of the other non school necessities. And if I can't get here in time to play, I'll lose my scholarship, and if I lose my scholarship then I can't graduate and if I don't graduate then I can kiss NASA goodbye." She sounded more and more frantic with each causal affect that she listed. It had been a long time since money had ever been an issue for Lexa that she at times forgot how it tended to be major issues for others.

But to Lexa the solution was simple. "So you move into my apartment and take the spare room." She didn't even say it as if it were a favor. To her it wasn't.

But Raven laughed. "No offense, Woods, but if I can't afford dorm room rent then what makes you think that I can afford rent for a room as nice as what your place has to offer?"

But Lexa looked at her confused before actually laughing. "And here I thought Octavia couldn't keep a secret. Apparently you just need to tell the girl to shut her mouth and she complies."

The statement seemed to throw the defender as she looked at Lexa with her head cocked. "None of my roommates pay rent. Octavia had the same problem last year because her mom were having a hard time paying for both her and Bellamy being away and needing rent. That's why she didn't room with you this year."

Raven looked flabbergasted as if this was the first she had heard of it. Lexa had asked Octavia to not say anything because really, it was no one else's business. What she did with her money and who she did or didn't help shouldn't concern anyone else.

"So you would let me stay in Clarke's studio bedroom rent free?" At this Lexa shifted in her seat. Saying yes would have been a lie and she was sick of lying.

"Honestly? I was going to surprise Clarke with this news but the lady below me is selling her floor of the complex and I bought it. It will be mine by the start of summer when she moves to a retirement home out in Florida. It's a four bedroom like mine and I was going to move Indra and Octavia downstairs."

Raven didn't miss the insinuation. "You are going to ask Clarke to move in with you?" Lexa didn't need to answer the question.

She had gotten the news upon returning home from Clarke's mother's house and she didn't even hesitate before telling her accountant to put in an offer on the unit. And not even three hours later the offer had been accepted. She was offering more than what the woman was asking for, it would have been foolish not to take it.

She was giddy upon hearing the news and she was waiting for the perfect time to surprise Clarke with it. And even if the blonde didn't want to move in then it at least meant she had an apartment where no one would walk in on them. It meant they could have privacy and their friends still be just a flight of stairs away. Their six month anniversary wasn't far away and she was going to make an event of it. Now that idea seemed less than certain.

"That was the plan. Either way, I have the room and you can take one of them free of charge. I only ask that you keep the shared area clean and that you not complain when Indra demands to have monthly roommate meetings so she can complain about how loud everyone is when they have sex."

Raven laughed and Lexa couldn't help the small smile that fell to her lips. "I imagine that between you and O, she has plenty to complain about. I'm not sure Harper and I are any less quiet."

Lexa chuckled. "Octavia has taken to buying her fancy noise cancelling headphones to try and apologize. I usually make her breakfast following very loud nights. I'm sure you'll think of some way to make it up to her."

Lexa could almost see the weight lift off of Raven's shoulders as relief seemed to sit behind her eyes. Lexa had to admit that the sight was much more welcome than the hatred she had been on the receiving end of only an hour ago.

"So you would really do that for me, Lexa?" Lexa almost felt bad that Raven had to ask. Maybe she never showed the defender how much she really cared about their friendship. But showing that side of her wasn't easy. Clarke was the only person that made it easy.

"Maybe I would just find it way too time consuming to have to break in another defender next season."

It was bullshit and both girls knew it but Raven didn't say anything. She just smiled and accepted the affection that Lexa was able to comfortably offer her. It was another reason that Lexa liked the defender so much. She seemed to know just when she should remain quiet and she knew just when she was allowed to push and tease. And she respected Lexa enough to not push that boundary.

"So are you going to come back with me to the dorm and talk to Clarke?"

Lexa sighed, taking yet another shot. She could feel the fuzziness of her mind, as if her thoughts blurred around the edges and no longer contained an understandable geometric shape. She felt light and yet her tongue felt heavy in her mouth. She had drank far too much to have any sense of a legitimate heart to heart. And the truth was, she wasn't too keen on the idea of stopping.

"Nope," was all she replied, giving in to her desire to drown her own problems.

"The two of you need to talk."

It was the way Raven said it, as if the word 'talk' held tangible weight. And it was the way that she nearly winced when she said it. Even bordering on drunk Lexa was unable to stop her ability to pick up on minuscule body cues. "You know why she's been so distant lately." It wasn't an accusation so much as a stated fact. Something confirmed by the look in the other girl's eyes which made Lexa shake her head as she took another shot. God she hated the taste of tequila but it was getting to the point now where it was hard to taste it.

"It's not my place-"

Lexa held up her hand, silencing the defender mid sentence. She knew it wasn't her place to tell her and Lexa wasn't going to ask what it was but there was just one thing she had to know. "How royally did I fuck up, Ray? I mean it had to be me that screwed this up, right?"

Raven sighed, taking the bottle from her hand before taking a swig and handing it back which just seemed to convince Lexa to take another. There was a reason people stopped drinking after having this much but she couldn't figure out why. All she knew was that her fingers were beginning to tingle. It kind of felt nice. She could do with nice.

"Your little dalliance with your assistant earlier pissed Clarke off but I wouldn't say that it was you that got you into this mess." Raven sounded bitter and Lexa felt as if the statement should have made her nervous but she couldn't figure out why.

"So is this a private party or can anyone join?" Lexa hadn't even noticed her own roommate walking up the bleachers. That's twice in one month someone had gotten the drop on her. She was slipping.

She passed the bottle to Octavia and gave her what she hoped was a welcoming smile. "What've you got to drink about, Blake?"

Octavia gave her a warm smile. "Can't I just hang out with my roommate?"

"Roommates," Lexa corrected which just seemed to make Octavia smile.

"To roommates," she said as she held the bottle up in celebration before taking a drink and coughing immediately. "Shit, Commander, I thought you drank better alcohol than this!"

"I do, but it appears that you two don't because I confiscated that bottle from you two assholes last year."

Raven's eyes got wide. "You mean to tell me that I picked this shitty bottle to celebrate our championship win with?"

Lexa just nodded. "As our new future roommate you need to step up your alcohol game."

"Sure thing, Commander."

What happened after that was a blur. Lexa wasn't even sure how she had gotten home. All she knew was one minute she was trying to convince Raven that selfies were the downfall of their generation right before jumping into the background of some random stranger's picture attempt and the next she was waking up with a pounding noise vibrating inside her head.

For a moment she thought the noise was just her out mind pounding against her skull to punish her for the copious consumption of God awful tequila. This was why she didn't drink that demon juice. Unlike whiskey, tequila really made her head spin and rendered her useless the next morning. But then the pounding happened again and she realized that it was someone knocking at her bedroom door.

"What?" She asked, her voice stricken with sleep and spoke highly of regrettable decisions.

The door opened to reveal Indra who looked in with worry. "Clarke is here to see you. She said she wants to talk."

Lexa groaned. Of course Clarke would pick the one morning when she felt completely useless. She contemplated momentarily telling Indra to send Clarke home. Instead she looked over at her clock which read 5:30am and she let out a groan. "Tell her I need like half an hour."

\----------

Clarke sat there on the couch that had been her and Lexa's safe haven many times before, more nervous than she had ever been. She came to the decision the night before that she needed to just tell Lexa what had happened and hopefully Lexa would find it in her to forgive her.

The night before she had sat there on her bed replaying the incident on the soccer field over and over again. There were a lot of things that the two needed to talk about and she was well aware that she was mostly to blame for all of this but there was the issue of Lexa not telling her about something as important as the building going through and how she seemed to have no issue with Echo touching her even though they had talked about it before.

She had planned a speech and she had been practiced it when Raven stumbled into their room with Harper nearly holding her up, trying not to roll her eyes at her dark haired girlfriend who kept telling her how beautiful she was and how her eyes shone even in the horrid dorm room lighting.

"What happened?" she'd asked.

"The Commander and I got fucked up. But it's okay because I have a home to go to next year and so do you if you get your shit together. You need to get your shit together, Griff. You just gotta." Then she had passed out before Harper had tucked her in, placed a kiss on her forehead and bid them goodnight.

It shouldn't have surprised her that Lexa had found some way to take care of Raven. That's just the type of person she was. And Clarke was fucking it up with her. She was doing the most stupid thing she may have ever done in her life and over what? A kiss that she never wanted? A kiss that she felt nothing from? She was being stupid and she needed to fix this.

"You may be waiting a little while."

Clarke turned to look at Indra who didn't look at all pleased that she had shown up this morning. "Thanks," was all she could think so say in response. Had she not had a key to let herself into the apartment she doubted that Indra would have allowed her inside.

Indra threw her an exasperated glare. "Lexa deserves better." Three words and then she walked out of the room without a glance back. She didn't need to when those words provided her desired affect.

There was no denying the fact that Lexa deserved better than the darkness that Clarke had made her suffer through these last two weeks. It was hard not to think about all of the sweet things that her girlfriend had done for her over the last four and a half months, though really those generous proclivities happened well before they started dating. Each little thing seemed to stand well all on its own and together they formed this sea of pleasant moments that seemed to stretch out infinitely across the horizon. And they were all stark contrasts from the cold shoulder and contrite words that she had given her in return these last two weeks.

Clarke wasn't sure if there was any way that she could possibly feel any lower than she did right now. Once the anger from the fight the day before subsided there was nothing left to feel but this sense of having done something detrimental to her happiness. Of having done something to hurt the woman she loved more than anything. And there was no just cause for her actions, just her own selfish reasoning followed closely by her untamable guilt.

She sat there stewing in her misery for what felt like hours before Lexa finally exited her room. Was it possible for someone to look so magnificently beautiful and at the same time look as if death itself had been the thing spooning them through the night? It must have been because that's what Lexa looked like in flannel pajama pants and a tight white tank top, hair pulled back into a mixture of braids and soft flowing hair and bright green eyes that squinted with an inability to remain fully open.

"Coffee?" She muttered, taking the blonde by surprise. She was prepared for an onslaught of yelling and fits of rage. She wasn't ready for a girl hung over desperate for some semblance of sustenance.

"No, I'm fine," Clarke said as she got up to follow the brunette into the kitchen who didn't even stop walking upon seeing her in the living room. "I was hoping that we could talk."

"Coffee," Lexa muttered as a response and no longer a question.

Clarke stood there nervously, picking at her fingers while her heart beat wildly in her chest as she watched Lexa sluggishly move about the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee - dark roast with a touch of cinnamon infused simple syrup. Clarke had once tried to bring her a cup of that back from Starbucks and the brunette scoffed at it as if disturbed her that Clarke considered their roast actual coffee.

Lexa seemed to take her time as she inhaled the scent of the coffee before taking a small sip and humming in contentment before once again realizing that she wasn't alone. But instead of saying anything she walked out of the kitchen and Clarke followed silently behind as her girlfriend led her up the stairs and onto the roof, the door closing behind them to give them some sense of privacy from Indra and Octavia.

Lexa climbed onto the day bed so that she could press her back against the brick wall, shivering most likely from the coolness of the shale against her skin. She looked almost calm as she drew up her legs to sit cross-legged in front of her while her hands seemed to hug her mug into her body, long fingers circling around the porcelain cup.

"I've never seen you with this bad of a hangover before." It isn't the way Clarke wanted to start this conversation but truth be told, she was having trouble trying to find any words at all.

"Tequila was made by the devil," was all she said in an emotionless tone that made Clarke flinch. She was making it abundantly clear. Lexa hadn't invited her over here this morning. Clarke had shown up to talk and if that's what she wanted to do then that was on her.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry, Lex. I fucked up."

She wanted to say more but Lexa let out a puff of air before interjecting. "You want to say you're sorry or you are saying it?"

Clarke would have rolled her eyes as the technicality but she was in no position to be annoyed. "I am sorry. God, I've been the worst girlfriend ever to you and you definitely didn't deserve any of what it is that I put you through. This is my fault. I should have talked to you instead of keeping everything inside and giving you the cold shoulder."

Lexa huffed. "You think I'm mad about you being distant?"

Clarke froze. "Weren't you?"

"I can't say I enjoyed it. But if you would have just told me that there was something you were trying to work through and you needed space then I would have given it to you. I would have stopped asking you to talk to me. But instead you sat there and lied to me over and over again." Clarke's heart began to beat erratically in her chest. She knew she was lying to her. Did she know about the kiss somehow? "I'm not an idiot, Clarke. I knew that there was something wrong and yet all I got was 'it's nothing' like I'm not supposed to be able to see the difference in you."

Lexa's confession just made Clarke feel worse. So it was the fact that Clarke denied there ever being anything wrong that was the lie in Lexa's mind. "You're right it wasn't nothing." She paused, waiting to see if Lexa would say anything, but she didn't. "Finn kissed me."

She wasn't sure what she was expecting. Except, that was a lie. She had built it up so much in her head that what she had been expecting was an infuriated brunette who shouted and screamed and told her that she hated her and didn't want to be with her anymore. What she got was a brunette whose shoulders seemed to stiffen and teeth began to clench before asking slowly, "when did this happen?"

"At my mom's house when I was talking to Finn. He was telling me how he still loved me and I told him that it didn't matter because I'm in love with you and so he just leaned over and kissed me with this misguided notion that it would prove to me that I still felt something for him."

"And did it?" Lexa interrupted through grit teeth and clenched fists.

"No, of course not!" Clarke pleaded. "It didn't mean anything. As soon as I realized what was happening I pushed him away. I felt absolutely nothing when he kissed me!"

Lexa finally turned to look at her with this unbelieving look on her face. "And yet this is the first I'm hearing abut it since it happened three weeks ago? If it didn't mean anything you would have told me right after it happened!"

Clarke had to stifle a groan. "Honestly, after he left I didn't even think about it again, that's how little the kiss meant to me. And then a week later I was talking with Raven about it and she asked me if Finn tried to make a move on me and that was the first time I even thought about it after it happened."

Lexa was shaking her head as she bit her bottom lip, disbelief all over her face. "Then why didn't you tell me two weeks ago?"

"Because a week had passed and I was afraid that if I told you then that you would have believed I hadn't told you because it meant something. But it didn't, it didn't mean anything. He kissed me and I didn't want it!"

"And so you were punishing me, why? Because I was supposed to somehow prevent it from happening?"

"Of course not."

"Then why?" Lexa nearly yelled.

Both girls became silent as they looked into one another's eyes. Clarke looked at Lexa pleadingly but Lexa seemed to hold nothing but anger in her gaze. "Because I felt horrible every day that I didn't tell you. I felt so fucking guilty that it made it impossible to look at you and not hate myself." Clarke's voice began to waver as tears began to gather in her eyes. She sucked in an unsteady breath in an attempt to calm herself.

Lexa sat there unmoving and Clarke could see her trying to piece everything together as if this situation had been a puzzle and Clarke had just provided her the missing pieces. "You think I'm a complete asshole, don't you?"

Of all the things Lexa could have said, that probably was one of the last things on the list. "No, of course not!"

But Lexa just shook her head. "You thought what exactly? That I was going to break up with you because your ex forced himself on you? I mean that's obviously why you thought you had to lie to me. Because I'm this asshole that would punish you for someone else's actions?"

"No, Lex, it had nothing to do with that. I don't think you're an asshole-"

"Just a bitch with mood swings that you can't keep track of?" Clarke froze, unable to make the connection which just made Lexa laugh. "I mean that is what you said on the pitch in front of everyone, was it not?"

Clarke groaned. "I'm sorry, Lex. I didn't mean to say those things. I was just angry."

"Because I gave you plenty of reasons to be angry with me," she retorted.

Clarke couldn't help the small boil of anger that washed over her in that moment. "Oh, was I supposed to be pleased at the site of Echo flirting with you in front of all of our friends? Or should I have been thanking her for telling me about your community center going through as opposed to me hearing it from you?"

Lexa seemed to flinch slightly before turning back to glare at her with vigor. "Tell me, how's the view from up there?"

"From up where?" Clarke asked, taking the bait.

"From your high horse."

Clarke scoffed. "I don't think I'm better than you, Lex."

"And yet you're allowed to be upset about Echo touching my arm and I'm not allowed to be upset with your ex boyfriend kissing you?"

"I didn't say you weren't allowed to be upset-"

"No, because you decided not to tell me so that I would never get a chance to be. You made that fucking decision for me, Clarke! You can sit there all you want and say I'm allowed to be upset but how am I being allowed that option when you hide it away from me?" Lexa stood and began pacing across the roof as she began murmuring things to herself in Trigedasleng. And even if Clarke did understand the language, she was speaking far too low for Clarke to hear it.

"I am so sorry." Her voice was shaking and tears were streaming lines down her face. She couldn't help her legs as they gave out from below her and she fell into a seated position onto the day bed. She felt like she was about to lose everything.

"You're sorry?" She stopped pacing and was now staring down at the blonde sitting several feet from her. "What am I supposed to do with that? Am I just supposed to pretend that the last two weeks didn't happen? Am I supposed to pretend that you didn't spend your free time avoiding me as if I was the one who cheated on you?"

"I didn't cheat on you!" At least Clarke didn't believe she did. It wasn't as if she was the one who went out and kissed Finn.

"No, maybe not, but you lied to me Clarke. Or you withheld the truth from me which is pretty much the same thing. Am I just supposed to be able to trust you again?"

"I never lied to you before this," Clarke pleaded as she reached out for the brunette who stepped away causing a hole to form in the middle of her chest. A big black hole that threatened to suck up any ounce of happiness left inside of her.

"And how am I supposed to know that for sure? Because from where I'm sitting it looks like you're honest just as long as it works to your advantage."

"That's not true!" It was one mistake. It was one stupid mistake.

"You mean to tell me that you didn't lie to me because it was the easier option?" Clarke didn't know what to say to that. Lexa had a point. It was the easier option and she took it. And her silence spoke volumes as Lexa sighed and slowly sat down on the bed beside her, her heat rolling off her body in waves. Waves that Clarke desperately wanted to find herself drowning in. And yet she didn't touch.

Lexa's voice was soft, filled with defeat more so than bitterness. "I don't know how to look at you right now and not feel betrayed, Clarke." Clarke turned and watched as Lexa sighed and ran a shaky hand through her hair. "I think that maybe we need a break from one another."

That sentence had Clarke spiraling. She suddenly felt light headed and had an urge to run to the nearest restroom and shove her head atop a porcelain bowl. She had done this. She couldn't stop the hitch in her voice. "So you're breaking up with me?"

Lexa's head whipped around quickly at the question, her eyes growing in size as she reached out and grabbed onto Clarke's hand. The warmth immediately began to run up her arm and though her body and she was torn between feeling as if she were both safe and about to fall off a cliff. "No, Clarke, that's not-"

Lexa shook her head, stopping herself before taking a deep breath. "I don't want to see other people. And the thought of you with anyone else-" she cut herself off again and Clarke could feel the brunette's shudder vibrate in her hand. "I'm not breaking up with you. I just need time away to think. I think we both need to think."

It was a relief but at the same time Clarke couldn't stop the tears from falling. Time apart was probably better than she could have hoped for when Lexa seemed intent on keeping them together. But it still felt as if she were losing a part of herself. "We play on the same team, Lex. We are going to see each other everyday."

Lexa sighed. "Yes, but maybe it's best if we avoid being together when we don't have to." She paused again and her next sentence sounded strained. "I just need time, Clarke. I need you to give me time to deal with this."

What could she say to that? She didn't want time apart. She wanted to be doing everything she could to fix this but if what Lexa needed was time, then she would give her time. Still, the insecurity washed over her as she found herself pleading. "Please tell me that this isn't the end of us, Lex. This can't be the end of us."

Strong, steady arms wrapped themselves around her body and she crumpled into Lexa's chest trying desperately to remember this feeling, to fill her nose so that she could memorize the brunette's scent. Lexa shushed her before fingers wiped tenderly at her cheeks to push the wetness away as green eyes looked at her torn. Clarke couldn't stop herself as she leaned forward to claim Lexa's lips with her own.

The kiss was filled with passion but it spoke strictly in terms of desperation, longing and fear. They moved against each other as if they were unsure if or when they would ever be allowed to do this again. It whispered of broken promises and regrets. And yet Clarke found that she never wanted to leave it, that she never wanted to move away from these lips again. Her heart broke when Lexa pulled away to hug her tight.

"This isn't the end of us, Clarke. I won't let it be." Her breath felt warm as it tickled the space against her ear, her lips a feathered touch against the skin. "I just need time. Clarke, I-"

She stopped speaking as if unable to say the words aloud. But Clarke could hear them anyway, she could feel them vibrating against the hole in her chest, echoing into its cavern. So she spoke the words that Lexa could not.

"I love you."

She prayed in that moment that it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another tough one to write. I actually cried when I was writing their fight scene on the roof. Again, to those of you that hate angst, I am really sorry for this chapter. Just know that I won't leave you all hanging. There is a happy ending here.
> 
> The next chapter will likely be out on Sunday, it may be the end of the day but I will try and get you all something to start the week with. I really hope you all continue to hang in there. 
> 
> And thank you for all of the comments, good and bad. I do appreciate them and they really helped me get through writing this one. You guys are definitely the best.


	46. New American Classic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 45:  
> Clarke finally came clean about her kiss with Finn and had to deal with the fallout.
> 
> \---
> 
> So I have to admit that this is somewhat of a filler chapter, we don't have much (if any) Clexa interaction. We do also have a portion of this chapter from Raven's POV. It's not as long as the last two or three chapters but it does have a decent length.
> 
> Can I also say that my saving grace for this week has been the amount of women's soccer I've been able to surround myself with?! Tobin Heath is unbelievable. Sure she hasn't scored any of the US goals but the girl is a beast and completely entertaining to watch! That move she had against France in the attacking bottom left?! A thing of beauty. And then there was the Australia v Canada game. I'm sure it was frustrating for major fans of those teams but as a fan of soccer? That was an incredible game to watch. I just can't wait for Tuesday!

Time is a funny thing, an arbitrary thing. There are days when hours feel like minutes and it's as if time itself cannot be grasped. The days move far too quickly and current moments turn quickly into blurred memories. And then there are days where time itself seems to stop, suspended in reality as minutes feel like hours. Days feel forever infinite like a prison that your mind has no hope of escaping. And while time cannot be escaped, that is unless you are cursed like that of Dorian Gray, it is these days where it is more felt than known.

Lexa also tended to feel more existential on days such as these, thus her flowing thoughtful language about time which is nothing compared to her thoughts about space. They were two concepts that constantly ran through her mind through the past two and a half weeks. That's how long it had been since Clarke had left her sitting on the rooftop alone agreeing to give her the time and space that she needed. And while her posture held conviction her blue eyes had held so much sorrow and regret that Lexa could feel her heart breaking all over again.

These last two weeks were proof enough for Lexa that the two of them needed some time apart, or at least whatever time could be afforded to them when they saw each other out of obligation six days a week. But despite that knowledge it felt as if she knew absolutely nothing of this time that she had asked for. She knew absolutely nothing that she was supposed to do about it which was the most frustrating thing of all.

She wasn't sure what she was expecting. Maybe she was hoping this time apart would provide her the clarity that she needed to get past all of the confessions and accusations thrown that morning. That it would provide her the numbness necessary to forgive and forget so that the two of them could move on together, the way they both wanted to. But two and a half weeks had passed and that feelings remained unchanged. In fact they seemed to be heightened in the blonde's absence along with the knowledge that she desperately missed Clarke.

Practice was quickly becoming one of the most difficult parts of the day, second only to waking up in the morning to an empty bed after endless dreams of shared kisses and roaming hands that made her forget sometime during the night that things weren't back to normal.

Seeing Clarke brought along an ache in her chest, pointing at the hole that was left in her wake. It also brought along this feeling of hurt and betrayal. She had thought that looking at the blonde that the only thing that she would be able to see would be the image of Finn kissing her but it seemed that that image was the last thing on her mind. It was in fact proof that the kiss itself wasn't what the problem was. What she saw whenever she looked at the blonde was all the moments where it appeared that Clarke knew she was lying to her.

It was the moments when she would pull away too quickly from a kiss. The moments where she would shy away from her touch. The moments when her eyes appeared lost and unfocused. The moments when the smile on her lips appeared forced. The word 'nothing' sounded in her mind over and over again.

It was one mistake that led to a series of ongoing lies. And while Lexa knew that this one mistake in no way defined her girlfriend, that it didn't suddenly make her the poster child for dishonesty, she couldn't help the feeling that washed over her whenever she found herself staring too long or standing close enough to be enraptured by the smell of vanilla - saddened still by the fact that she smelled far less of pine as the days passed.

She couldn't just shake the fact that Clarke lied to her. A part of her understood why she did it but that reasoning in no way justified what had been done. A small part of her couldn't help but wonder if this was the only thing she had lied about or if this was the only thing she really had opportunity and reason to lie about. Was this how it was going to be when things got hard? Was this her answer to avoid confrontation and fighting?

She knew Clarke's character and in her heart she knew that Clarke wasn't that person but it didn't stop the thoughts from wandering through her mind. Thoughts that she hoped would be quelled with time. Time and space. It appeared neither seemed to be working and she just felt more and more foolish for asking for either in the first place.

"That's enough for the day," Lexa announced as she watched a hoard of woman all sigh in relief as they wiped the sweat from their foreheads. Lexa would have been lying if she said that her newfound time hadn't left her with the pension of running her team a little more into the ground than normal. It wasn't as if she had done it purposefully, it's just that she tended to find herself much less satisfied which led to her demand more from her team which led to more grueling practices.

What she had been thankful for was the fact that on the field, Clarke acted far more professional than Lexa could have ever asked. It didn't stop the pain that sat behind her eyes when Lexa would find her staring, or when she would find Lexa staring. But she never talked back, she never reached out to touch her, she never stuck around waiting for her after practice. And on the pitch? That surprised Lexa even more.

They still played together as if things hadn't changed. The minute the whistle blew signaling for them to start and the ball was moving at their feet it was as if what existed beyond the pitch didn't matter. Clarke's passes to her remained flawless and her ability to setup the blonde outside of the eighteen yard box was still a thing of beauty. What hurt was when the play was whistled dead.

She found herself wanting to shoot the blonde a sly smile. She found herself wanting to tell the blonde with her eyes how much she wished she could hug her and kiss her. And she would catch herself just a moment before it happened, instantly feeling guilty for it. It wasn't fair of her to ask for time and still give her girlfriend suggestive and loving looks. It wasn't fair to string her along without knowing how much time Lexa still needed.

"So how long are you going to keep this up?"

Lexa turned to see Harper standing right beside her as she pulled her gloves from her hands, her eyes fixed on Clarke who was walking away with Raven's arm strewn around her shoulder as Octavia seemed to be telling them something that had the defender pretending to gag. The blonde didn't seem to be as invested in the topic at had as her roommate.

"I was unaware that I was supposed to keep you updated with my progress," Lexa sniped in responded to the keeper, tearing her eyes away from Clarke. Seeing her force laughter for the sake of her friends was too much to bear witness to.

"You're an idiot if you think that ignoring Clarke and your problems is going to solve anything."

"That is not what I'm doing," Lexa responded but her voice held a lot less conviction than she would have liked. Asking for time wasn't the same as trying to avoid her problems was it? Though now that she thought about it she couldn't really pinpoint exactly what it was that she was doing to try and make things better.

"You know," Harper began with a wistful tone, "I remember when I was younger I would listen to my parents fight on occasion and one argument in particular I watched my mom huff out of the room while my dad shook his head, annoyed. But then a small sigh and a grin escaped him and I asked him what he had to be so amused about. He told me that a part of him felt lucky to be having this argument. I thought he was nuts so he explained to me that he loved my mother so much that he would rather spend time fighting with her than living peacefully in a world without her.

"It seems to me like you are trying to deal with your thoughts peacefully and alone when there is clearly someone who would rather you spend your time arguing with them instead."

Lexa dropped her head, suddenly interested in her green and yellow cleats as they stabbed at the grass below her feet. There was absolutely no doubt in her mind that she was in love with Clarke and there was even less doubt over the fact that despite this small step back in their relationship that she found that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. But a part of her feared that entering back into their relationship too soon, while she was still angry, would cause more fights and begin to ruin their relationship.

She wasn't willing to sacrifice their future just because the need to be drowning in pools of blue eyes while soft hands entwined with her own tested her own will power. She felt that she needed to be ready to completely give herself over before they tried again at being together. She so desperately needed them to work.

"I'm not sure constant arguing would be more beneficial than us trying to figure things out on our own," she finally admitted with a sign.

Harper just shook her head. "Is it sad that I know exactly what Raven would say if she were here right now?"

Lexa couldn't stop the small smile from lifting at her face. She was happy to hear that her two friends were blossoming in their relationship, even despite the state of her own. The two had seemed to be inseparably close these days and both seemed happier than she had ever remembered seeing them. It seemed to radiate from their pores.

"And what would the all mighty genius say?"

Harper rolled her eyes and gave her a look is if to say to never say that to her girlfriend aloud, she had a big enough ego as it was. Then she gave the brunette a small smile. "She would tell you that you are missing out on some amazing make-up sex."

At that Lexa blushed. Raven was nothing if not practical.

 

* * *

 

Clarke sat alone at the dinner table in the main hall as she pushed aside the side salad on her plate, waiting for Raven and Octavia to come join her. It had been a constant for the last week and a half. She would leave practice immediately after it was done and wait for her friends in the mess hall. Her friends who could have been enjoying dinner with their significant others but chose to surround her instead, doing anything they could to make the blonde smile.

The first week had been the hardest. It seemed as if she were filled with nothing more than tears that wanted desperately to be shed. She had spent her days highly focused on whatever activity was at hand. If it was weight training, she left herself little time between stations. If it was school she found herself entirely focused on every word that spilled from her professor's mouth. If it was at practice, she spent her time focusing on her fundamentals, on completing passes as if her end points were destinations and not people. But it was what happened during the day where tasks became nonexistent that she found herself drowning in salty streams.

Seeing Lexa made it both worse and bearable. Seeing her caused a longing ache to fill in her chest and for an anger to build all around that longing. An anger that came with the knowledge that she had brought this on herself. And in that anger sat a high concentration of regret. If she could do it all over again, she would have done it differently. She would have told Lexa right away and she wouldn't have kept this secret. She would have preferred whatever anger that ensued because surely it had to have been better than this non-communicative hell hole that they both found themselves in.

The only saving grace was the fact that whenever she looked into her girlfriend's eyes, she looked as miserable as Clarke felt. This time apart seemed to be just as much torture for Lexa as it was for her and that made her hope that maybe this silence wouldn't last much longer. She would say sorry every day for the rest of their lives if it meant that they could put this behind them. She'd be damned if she didn't learn from this mistake.

So after a week had passed, it seemed that Raven could not take walking into their dorm room to the crying mess that Clarke became when no distractions were present. So she gathered their friend and they seemed to stay by Clarke's side in an attempt to cause a distraction. And for the most part it seemed to work and Clarke couldn't have been more grateful for them. So she sat at this empty table waiting for them to show up, trying to ignore the ache in her chest when the sound of someone slipping into the seat across from her startled her, causing her to look up from the salad she was feeling very uninspired by.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

Clarke let out a sigh, in no mood to be polite. "Actually, Bell, I'm waiting for my friends to get here and I'm not really in the mood for small talk."

The football player gave her a sad look and a nod as if he understood, yet he didn't move from the seat he was in. Instead he reached across the table to grab at her hand which she moved just beyond reach. "I just wanted to say that I heard what happened and I am really sorry."

Clarke tore her mind away from the knowledge that again this guy didn't seem to respect what it was that she wanted and found herself curious. "And what did you hear happened?"

His mouth formed a downtrodden line that suggested he was sympathetic but his eyes shone with this glimmer of I-told-you-so. "The team and I heard that Woods cheated on you. I mean I can't say any of us were surprised by it, I mean the girl got around a lot before you got here..."

He was saying something else but Clarke couldn't hear it over her anger. Instead she cut him off in what she assumed was mid sentence. "Who the fuck told you that she cheated on me?"

Bellamy got quiet for a moment. "Well, we noticed that you and Woods stopped hanging out and it was obvious that you two broke up. We tried to find out what happened but no one on the soccer team would say anything about it. It wasn't hard to put two and two together at that point. And again, I just want to say that I am here for you, whatever you need."

Clarke's hand balled up into a fist and she was almost positive that she was glaring at the guy in front of her with a look that Lexa would have been proud of. "First off, Lexa and I aren't broken up and even if we were, it's none of your goddamn business. And second, Lexa didn't cheat on me, she would never cheat on me."

She had this disgusting taste in her mouth. She wanted to punch Bellamy Blake and the only thing holding her back was the fact that she was in the middle of a crowded room filled with way too many witnesses. "Also, so what if she had slept with a lot of people before she met me? It's so fucking archaic that you guys walk around high five-ing one another when you get laid but when a girl does it, it's seen as something bad? What gives men the right to tell us what we can and can't do with our bodies? It's complete fucking bullshit!"

Bellamy stared at her wide eyed as he held up his hands in what appeared to be surrender. "Hey, I'm not putting Woods down, I'm just saying that she is the type of girl that your father would have wanted you to stay away from."

Clarke was on her feet in an instant, her chair screeching across the floor. She found herself beginning to lunge forward, intent on throwing in one good punch despite the onlookers. Instead a pair of strong, unfamiliar hands wrapped around her waist holding her back. She didn't care enough to look behind her. She was livid.

"Fuck you, Bellamy. You think you're hot shit, like I would be lucky to have you. What you are is a selfish asshole who has not once ever listened to a single thing I've said or respected my wishes. You and me are never going to happen. Get that through your thick scull! And as far as Lexa is concerned? She's a far better person than you'll ever be."

Bellamy stood in response with a fire in his eyes, his jaw straining. "Fuck you too, Griffin. You and that bitch deserve one another."

Clarke tried to lunge again but the hands held her back. The person behind her spoke, the voice giving away her identity to the blonde. "Blake, I suggest you crawl back to your friends."

Bellamy shot a glare at the spot just behind Clarke's left shoulder. "Actually, Indra, this is none of your damn business so I suggest-"

Indra nearly growled. "Should I call the Commander," it was a distinction, it wasn't Lexa that was going to be showing up, it was the ruthless side of her "and have her come down here to deal with you then? I'm pretty sure that she would find that this is exactly her business. I promise you, if she finds out about this, you'll wish it were me that you were dealing with."

Bellamy opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it. Instead he picked up his tray of food and shot the both of them a glare before turning and storming away from her table. It was only when he was a safe distance away that the midfielder let go of Clarke and chose to take a seat across from the blonde, right where Bellamy sat only a moment before.

A small smile lifted at he corners of Indra's mouth, a sight not seen often by the blonde, as she sat back down in her chair. "Lexa will be sad to hear that she's missed that," Indra said, her lips actually forming a smile.

The mention of Lexa's name made her heart ache. "Yeah, I'm not sure anything pertaining to me would make Lexa happy right now." She wished she didn't sound so defeated when she had said it.

Indra let out a small sigh before reaching out to grab Clarke's hand, but this time Clarke didn't pull away. Instead she let Indra squeeze softly at her fingers, a wave of acceptance washing over her. "Lexa loves you, Clarke. She told me what happened and at first I was angry with you, a part of me still is, but an even bigger part of me realizes that this is not who you are. This mistake is not who you are. Who you are is someone who has made my best friend happier than I have ever seen her. Even happier than when she was dating Costia. Hell, she practically lights up a room with her happiness whenever she sees you and the only other person that does that to her is Aden."

Her words were as comforting as they were shocking. She knew that Lexa loved her and often times Lexa would say the same things about how she'd never been happier when they were curled up around each other just before falling asleep. But to hear it from someone who had witnessed it, from someone who had been there all of Lexa's life? It wasn't that it meant more, it just meant that the comments felt validated.

"But what if I fucked up too badly, Indra? What if there is no coming back from this?" It had been the fear plaguing her for the last two and a half weeks, maybe longer. She was too afraid to ask it aloud to her own friends. But she found herself asking the one person who may very well have an answer.

There was a squeeze against her fingers, steadying her. "Trust me, Griffin, short of you purposefully hurting Aden, there is absolutely nothing you could do to ever make that girl stop loving you."

The statement washed over her like a cool tide, enveloping her and filling her with a hope that she hadn't felt since she had first told Raven about the kiss with Finn. "Are you sure?" She sounded so uncertain. "It's been over two weeks and she hasn't said a thing to me that didn't involve soccer."

But Indra just gave her a warm smile and shook her head as if she understood. "Our Lexa is nothing if not stubborn sometimes. She just needs a little time to pull her head out of her ass so that she can think clearly. I just hope that you find that she's worth waiting for."

Clarke nodded almost immediately. "She is."

Indra nodded then pulled her hand away just in time for Raven and Octavia to enter the hall. Indra turned her head as she watched them begin to head over to their table. "Griffin?"

"Yeah?" Clarke asked.

Indra's voice became serious, almost deadly. "Tell anyone about this conversation and I will kill you myself." Clarke looked at her confused, frightened. Then Indra shrugged and gave her a small smile. "I have an image to maintain. I can't have my roommate and my future roommate thinking that I'm soft."

Clarke laughed before nodding, noting the fact that she was calling Raven her future roommate. So that's how Lexa solved Raven's problem. She should have guessed. "I won't say a word."

"You know, you're not too bad, Griffin. I think I kinda like you." And with that Indra got up to leave, only grunting at the two girls that happily addressed her as she walked past.

"I swear one of these days we are going to find out that Indra is secretly some war general that has killed a few dozen men," Octavia said as she sat down in the seat that both Indra and her brother had already sat in that day.

"Dozens seems too low a body count," Raven said as she plopped herself down into the seat beside her roommate, her eyes watching Indra as she exited the room.

"And those will just be the ones we find out about," Clarke added with an actual smile. After all, Indra did have an image to maintain.

 

* * *

 

Lexa sat in her office, trying to drown out her mind in work instead of on the fact that she desperately missed Clarke. Unfortunately business proposals and city permits weren't what one would call thrilling and did very little to distract her from her thoughts. She nearly sighed in relief when a knock came rapping at her office door.

"Come in," she called out as she straightened up in her chair, ever the professional.

"Hey, you said that you wanted to see me?" Lexa smiled at her assistant while she motioned to the chair on the other side of her desk, giving the girl a warm smile to try and sooth over the nervous look on her face.

Clarke's comments about Echo kept ringing over and over in her mind and it was time that she did something about it. Now a part of her knew that Clarke would be more than happy if she fired the girl but Lexa couldn't in good conscious fire someone because they may or may not be attracted to her and her girlfriend didn't like it. But she could understand Clarke being unhappy with her being the one person in the office that she saw all the time. So a compromise had to be made.

"Yes, I was hoping that we could talk about your involvement with the community center." This seemed to make the girl smile as she let out a sigh of relief. They both knew that the work she had been doing on Lexa's behalf to get the permits through the city had been exceptional, above and beyond what Lexa had expected. It was this fact that made Lexa's decision all the more easy.

"It really has been a pleasure to work on it, and to get to work so closely with you. This really has been the best job I've ever had." With Clarke's voice in her head it was hard to not hear the way she purred the word 'you'. She had to internally sigh. Maybe Clarke had been right.

"Well, you've done a really tremendous job and I honestly can't thank you enough for all of the extra time you put into this project of mine. So as a thank you, I went ahead and talked to Gustus and he has a new opening in his project management group and I went ahead and recommended you. You start first thing Monday if you would like it."

Echo's face lit up and it appeared that she was doing everything in her power to keep her jaw from dropping. "You're kidding?"

Lexa laughed, her lack of formality refreshing. It always felt good when she knew her employees felt appreciated. "All that's left for you to do is head down to Human Resources and you can discuss salary and vacation time."

Echo gave her a warm smile but then seemed to pause. "So I will be working for Gustus instead of you?"

The question along with Echo's drop in demeanor made Lexa feel slightly uneasy. "I'm not around enough to groom less experienced employees to excel in their jobs. It's why meeting with officials and other company heads is left to me while Gustus takes care of all the day to day operations. If you want to get far in this company, this is an amazing opportunity for you to do so. I'm leaving you in the most capable hands." She tried to sound reassuring. There was a chance that Echo's sadness had to do with her leaving her job for something unknown.

"No, you're right," her assistant agreed. "I would love to take the job."

Lexa smiled and stood up to meet the girl at the other side of the desk to offer her a handshake. Titus had always told her that it was best to settle all business arrangements with a handshake. It was something she had always done. And never once had anyone pushed her hand away and went in for a hug.

And yet Lexa found herself enveloped by two arms. Echo smelled of rose and of something delicate, baby powder perhaps. She smelt nothing of vanilla and all Lexa could think about was her girlfriend. So she waited a moment before clearing her throat which seemed to alert the girl hugging her that her hug was in fact not being reciprocated. Lexa's arms hung at her sides.

Echo pulled away with a sheepish grin. "Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away," but the tone of her voice suggested that she wasn't sorry.

"It's probably best we don't let that happen again," Lexa said in the most professional voice possible. It was authoritative without being harsh.

"Oh come on, Lexa, it's just a hug." She gave Lexa a bright smile which she didn't return.

"While it may just be a platonic hug, I have to admit that it is something that my girlfriend wouldn't much appreciate. And the last thing I want to do is ignore her feelings and wishes on the matter. Just because the hug means nothing to me doesn't mean it doesn't to her." And it was true. As Clarke's girlfriend it was her job to either respect her wishes outright or to sit down with Clarke and come up with an agreeable solution. But asking for the ability to hug an attractive coworker was not something she had any interest in doing.

She thought back to that moment before the fight on the field when she allowed herself to feel comfort in a hand on her arm. It was unnecessary and foolish on her part. And she would do everything in her power to not allow herself to fall into that situation again.

 

* * *

 

The curse of being a self proclaimed genius was that you often felt that the people surrounding you were at times complete dumbasses. Now that didn't mean that Raven Reyes didn't love her friends, nor did it mean that she was not at times a complete dumbass herself. But it did mean that she had spent the better part of the month feeling like Clarke and Lexa were being complete morons.

Raven was never one to try and insert herself into her friend's affairs, at least not without being implicitly invited to do so, especially when it involved the very private and daunting Lexa Woods. But the defender felt as if this time she couldn't just wait for the situation to solve itself. They were getting closer to the end of the school year and she would be damned if her roommate and her team captain and soon to be roommate weren't back together, blissfully happy before then.

It is why she found herself in Lexa's living room with her arm around her girlfriend's shoulders with Octavia and Indra sitting across from them. She had chosen a time where she knew that Lexa had been planning on being at the office just to ensure that the Commander was out of the house. She couldn't have her dumb ass ruining her plans.

"So why are we here, Reyes?" Indra asked in an unamused tone conveying the fact that this was possibly the last place she wanted to be. Though Raven wasn't sure why. In fact she wasn't really sure what it was that Indra did outside of school and practice. She made a mental note to stalk her new roommate when she moved in next semester.

"We are here because it seems that our friends are too stubborn to pull their heads out of their asses," she found it appropriate to use the Commander's most common insult on the field against her teammates, "and they are in desperate need of our help. I'm calling it Operation Clexa."

"Clexa?" Octavia asked with an amused smile.

"Clarke and Lexa, Clexa," Raven answered as if it were completely obvious.

"Why wouldn't it be Lexarke?" Indra asked, clearly favoring Lexa's name being first in the hierarchy. Though as she said it, she seemed displeased with herself as if she couldn't believe she was at all a part of this conversation.

"No, Clexa is a better ship name."

"Do we all have ship names?" Octavia asked, still amused.

"Of course, lesser half of Linctavia!"

Octavia looked like she wanted to laugh before her face fell to a frown. "Hey, what do you mean lesser half?"

Indra actually smirked. "I think the wannabe engineer is implying that Lincoln is the better half in your relationship."

Octavia opened her mouth to protest but then shut it before shaking her head. "Okay, I see your point," she conceded.

"Do we have a ship name?" Harper asked curious.

Raven couldn't keep the smile off of her face. This was another reason why she couldn't leave Clarke and Lexa's relationship alone. She owed them both for the fact that she got to hold Harper in her arms most nights and that she got to wake up to such an amazing woman. Raven was never one to believe in love happening quickly but she had to say, she was very much head over heels for the girl beside her.

"Haven!" She responded gleefully.

"Haven?" Harper asked beguiled.

Raven raised and eyebrow and lowered her voice an octave. "Of course, hot stuff. Because you definitely feel like you're in a safe haven when you're wrapped inside my arms." She gave her girlfriend a small wink and everyone in the room started laughing, even Indra who, while her laugh wasn't much more than a chuckle, was at least something.

"Remind me why I'm with you again?" Harper asked teasingly.

"Because you love me," Raven teased back before freezing. Neither of them had said that four letter word yet and this really wasn't the time or place. Yet she could see the blonde tilt her head as a smile overtook her face. Of course this would be the moment that Indra interrupted their little moment. Raven wasn't sure if she was thankful for the distraction or not.

"So I assume you have some half baked plan cooking in that head of yours?"

Raven threw a glare in Indra's direction. "First off, it is not a half baked plan. Secondly, I most definitely have a plan, a spectacular one at that!" She was actually quite proud of herself.

"And it involves all of us?" Indra asked.

"Actually, it mostly involves Anya so I was hoping that you could give me her number."

"Anya?" Harper asked in a slightly unpleasant tone. "You mean Lexa's sister who and I quote 'has cheekbones for days'?" Raven regretted having once told her girlfriend, before they got together, just how attractive she had found the Commander's sister.

She cleared her throat. "No, well I mean yes, but more importantly the married woman," she added this as a reassurance to Harper, "who has a child that both Lexa and Clarke are unable to say no to."

Indra groaned. "I'm uncomfortable allowing you to use a five year old for your nefarious scheming."

"I would hardly call it nefarious," Raven pouted.

"What exactly is the plan, Ray?" Octavia asked leaning forward.

Raven smiled, at least one person seemed interested. "Well you know we have our semifinal game in two days, right? Maybe I just extend an invitation for Anya and Aden to come and just maybe Aden will want to hang out with Clarke and Lexa together after the game..."

She was surprised when Indra hummed before stating, "it's not the worst idea I've ever heard of."

It only took another twenty minutes of convincing and a promise of bathroom cleaning duty during the first month of Raven moving in, but Raven finally got Anya's number. The woman answered on the third ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is named after a song that I was obsessed with back in high school. I was listening to it when I wrote this chapter. Brownie points for anyone who knows the band. 
> 
> So things are a little chaotic with my family life right now. I found myself listening to a lot of songs I used to love when I was younger, thus the chapter title. It is for this reason that the next update will take me a little longer than normal. Normally I would have the next chapter out by Thursday but as times have been a little rough I have a good friend flying out to stay with me and try and cheer me up a bit so I probably won't get a chance to do much writing. Hopefully my mood didn't destroy my writing too much in this chapter. If I can, I will try to have the next chapter out by next Monday. 
> 
> Thanks everyone for all the comments last chapter. I really do enjoy receiving them! I needed that motivation to power through writing this one.


	47. You and I (Stripped)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap of Chapter 46:  
> Clarke and Lexa dealt with their time apart and Raven came up with a plan to get the lovebirds back together
> 
> \---
> 
> So first off I want to thank everyone for their concern and well wishes, I really did appreciate them. This week went a lot better than last week and I decided that next weekend I'm going to take a vacation for about five days to really clear my head. But I did want to get this chapter out to you guys. 
> 
> That said, there is a soccer sequence in this one that I wrote right after the USWNT lost to Sweden. It pained me to write it. The coaching in that game (along with the game against Colombia) killed me. And then France lost. It's amazing to me that the top two seeds didn't even make it past the quarterfinals. I mean what are the odds? And then two games that ended in PK's?! The announcers kept mentioning in the US game (in like the first half) that PKs determining games have never happened in WNT Olympics. I wanted to curse the guy who kept saying it because I felt like he somehow made it happen!
> 
> Anyways, forgive my soccer rant. Hopefully you guys enjoy the chapter!

The room around her buzzed with excitement, with anxiousness, with the rawness of emotions that Clarke had only ever felt with the knowledge that the game about to be played meant something. Win or go home. It was as if all the games played this season no longer mattered, the slate was wiped clean and all that was left was them and their opponent fighting for a chance at the championship game next weekend.

She envied the leagues across the pond where winners were determined by the amount of wins, or points rather, accumulated over time but there was just something so American about dueling it out for the right to call themselves champions. Something so gritty about knowing that to be called the very best it meant showing up when it mattered most. Eagle Rock University, the girls of the Rock Clan, were all that stood between them and their chance to defend their title against Azgeda University that had won their game this morning, cementing their spot in the championship game.

Clarke straddled the wooden bench between her legs, staring at the black paint in the canister that she held in her right hand, willing herself to dip her fingers into it and write the three letters on her right forearm that she had written there before every game this season. But she found herself unable to move, her eyes not lifting from the pool of black nestled in the jaw.

D. A. D.

Her father loved games like these. Had he been here she knew he likely would have been the loudest fan in the crowd. He would have yelled her name as she took the pitch. He may have even made a sign. Their championship game her junior year of high school he had made this ridiculous poster sized cutout of her face and waved it around like a mad man. And she found herself missing him terribly, just the way she had the first game of the season. And if they won this one? She would miss him even more the next.

Green and yellow cleats made there way into the edges of her vision, standing on either side of the bench as the girl sat facing her. Clarke didn't even have to look up to see who it was. She recognized those cleats anywhere. And even if she didn't, the presence that the Commander seemed to radiate was unmatched by anyone else, unique. And if not that then it was the pine and smoke that wafted around her.

"May I?" Lexa asked in a voice that was soft and filled with understanding.

Clarke looked up, her heart beating fast while something felt as if it had lodged in her throat. This may have been the first time Lexa had talked to her since the roof, at least when she wasn't obligated to do so. And the tenderness of her tone made her want to break. When she looked up to see empathy in the green tinder of her eyes she found herself letting out a sharp, shaky intake of breath.

Lexa gave her a small smile before gesturing at the container in the blonde's hand and Clarke found that she couldn't do much more than hand it over to the brunette who seemed to let out a breath that she herself had been holding in.

A silence fell over them and Clarke found that she could no longer hear anyone else in the room around them. She worried for a moment that all eyes were watching them but as she looked around she noticed that no one had even turned to look their way and they were in no way being silent. It was a rather loud confirmation that she was unconsciously blocking out anything outside of the small bubble that seemed to encapsulate the two girls. The brunette's presence alone was enough to drown out the world.

A burning fire seemed to engulf the back of her right hand as Lexa held it in her palm, turning it as to force Clarke's forearm skyward and Clarke couldn't do much more than watch and allow herself to conform her body to Lexa's every request. She watched as Lexa dipped her middle finger into the black wax paint before bringing it down to the space on the blonde's skin. The paint felt cool and yet her skin nearly burned where Lexa's fingers traced "DAD" in some of the most elegant lettering Clarke had ever seen. And it wasn't as if she hadn't seen her girlfriend's handwriting before, it's just written on her skin it seemed to almost come to life.

"Thanks," Clarke breathed out and Lexa closed her eyes momentarily as if trying to bathe in the sound of her voice. Clarke definitely knew the feeling.

"I'm sure he would have been proud of you," Lexa offered, her words dripping with kindness.

Clarke couldn't help herself as her hands reached out and grabbed at Lexa's arm, turning it over just as the brunette had done before allowing her fingers to trace the date tattoo. The Commander's skin visibly prickled, trailing after the path marked by her finger tips. "They would have been proud, too."

It was comforting. In this moment it was as if nothing else mattered. Not the people in the locker room. Not the people on the other team. Not the loud crowd awaiting them around the pitch. Not the radio silence that had existed between Clarke and Lexa the past three weeks, nor their fight all those days ago. In this moment, in this bubble, reality was as existent as her love for Nia. It didn't exist at all.

Lexa opened her mouth to speak but closed it before taking in a deep breath and Clarke could feel her pulling away even though neither girl had moved an inch. "I'm hoping to see a goal out of you today, Griff." She was slowly shifting back to Commander mode and Clarke ached for her to stay.

But the truth sat between them. Clarke hadn't scored a goal in the last month nor had she made a pass to Lexa that had resulted in a goal. She wished she could say that it had nothing to do with the embrace that followed said actions, but a part of her knew that it did. She wasn't sure she could handle the embrace, but sitting here, holding Lexa's arm, having their skin touch? She found that she wanted nothing more than to be physically close with her again.

"Just one?" Clarke asked, a smile finally falling from her lips.

Lexa's smile matched hers, white teeth flashing. "I'm not opposed to you setting me up for a nice shot as well." Either Lexa really wanted this win, or she too was desperate to hold the blonde close. Clarke hoped it was equal parts of both.

 

* * *

 

Monroe stood on the sidelines with the ball held over her head as her eyes darted back and forth looking for someone to get open. Clarke ran back into her own defensive field to receive the throw, as frustrated as Monroe had looked. They were sixty-five minutes into the game and neither team had been able to put a point on the board. The Rock Clan was as resilient on defense as their name had suggested, nearly forming a wall around their own goal that the CRU had yet to break through.

Clarke stood with the ball at her feet, the closest defender at least ten yards away from her made no motion to press her for possession. Lexa stood in the center of the attacking half surrounded by three different players but there was a glimmer in her eyes as she pointed towards Raven who was coming up behind the blonde.

Clarke pushed the ball to her left, towards Raven and both girls jutted forward before Raven passed it to her left to find Indra making a run up the flank. Two defenders made their way towards the other center forward, not a single defender left Lexa's side and in that moment Lexa looked meaningfully at Clarke, making a motion to the spot behind her on the Commander's left side and in that moment Clarke realized that no one in a red jersey seemed at all interested in her.

Clarke took off at a sprint as she ran for the area directly behind Lexa, no one noticing the white jersey flashing by them, no one except for Indra and Lexa. Clarke could feel the strength of her quads as she pushed forward now less than ten yards from Lexa who stepped forward, away from the goal and her defenders as Indra crossed the ball sideways to the Commander.

It was in that moment that the Rock Clan defenders seemed to take notice of her movement but they were all facing away from goal in their wall, momentum no longer on their side. One defender stepped back, a foot in front of Clarke as Lexa ran above the ball and connected with it with the back of her heel sending the ball in Clarke's direction towards goal with force and the ball found its way sailing in between a defender's leg.

The ball moved with enough speed to run directly in front of Clarke who was now at the eighteen yard line with the ball at her feet, the only thing between the ball and the goal was the keeper in neon green who ran forward off her line, throwing her body sideways and onto the floor to block the shot. Instead Clarke allowed her foot to kick just below the ball softly, slowly sending it upwards with an arch that raised the object a foot above the keeper's outstretched hand before falling back downwards, bouncing into goal.

Cheers erupted in the crowd along with the players on the field as Clarke continued her run into the area just out of bounds before stopping to jump up in the air her right fist in the air, the black paint on her arm reminding her of her dad's smile and she swore she could hear him cheering her name.

Clarke was enveloped in a hug from arms that had held her only days ago as she turned to see Indra hugging her, only a small smile on her mouth though her eyes seemed to shine with joy. It was a site that Clarke never thought she would ever see. It was kind of weird, but in a very welcome way. But those eyes seemed to roll as Octavia and Raven enveloped both girls in a hug before Monroe jumped practically on top of the dog pile as other teammates reached in and Clarke could feel hands patting her on the shoulder.

But as the crowd cleared Clarke found it impossible to focus on anything other than the Commander who stood on the other side of the eighteen yard box with a small, somewhat nervous smile on her face. And Clarke could feel the butterflies fluttering in her stomach as her legs jogged over to her without even a thought about it. They seemed to move on instinct alone.

Her hand was shaking as they clasped onto each other's forearms while Lexa's freehand reached out to rest at the back of Clarke's head, pulling their foreheads together. The skin was slightly sticky due to their perspiration but neither girl seemed to care. It sounded entirely cliche but Clarke swore she felt as if she were floating high from the thrill of the score and even more from the close proximity to her girlfriend that she had so desperately missed.

The smell of pine and smoke filled her nose as she inhaled deeply. She watched closed eyes slowly open after she heard Lexa inhale her own deep breath. It seemed that she wasn't the only one trying to savor this moment.

"That was a beautiful run," Lexa said sounding almost as if she were breathless.

"My run? What about that back heel touch?" Clarke asked with an excited smile. "A part of me thinks you only made that pass so that you could nutmeg someone else."

Lexa laughed as she pulled away, eyes sparkling. "Are you trying to say that I'm dramatic, Griffin?"

Clarke instantly felt cold, missing her touch. She shrugged, hoping that she didn't appear as obvious as she felt. "Well it definitely makes it enjoyable to watch you play."

Lexa's smile grew as the pair jogged back to midfield. "So are you saying you enjoy watching me, Clarke?" She asked in a low, flirtatious voice that made Clarke's heart soar. It gave her hope, hope that she hadn't allowed herself to have in weeks.

"Don't let it get to your head, Commander," Clarke said with a sly grin.

The goal seemed to open up the Rock Clan's defense as they suddenly became desperate for a goal. They began pushing their players forward, leaving a smaller amount of defenders behind. The CRU scored again only ten minutes later from a header that Lexa attempted, bouncing off of the post and to the awaiting foot of Octavia who sent the ball soaring into the top corner of the net.

Then there was a third goal by Indra in the eighty-fifth minute who seemed to dance around in the penalty box as she twirled past her defender to place the ball just past the outstretched hands of the diving keeper. And as the time began to tick down in added time it seemed as if the team around her seemed to buzz with the knowledge that they were going to have the chance to defend their titles.

As the whistle blew Clarke looked over to see Lexa sigh out a breath of relief and she kissed the number tattoo on the arm and pointed with both hands up to the sky, arms bent at the elbow at ninety degrees. Her eyes seemed to follow the spot that her fingers seemed to point out and Clarke couldn't help but tilt her head up to the sky as she closed her eyes.

She didn't know how long she stood there with a smile on her face and eyes closed as people walked by to pat her on the back while she envisioned her father hugging her close and whispering words of astonishment about the goal she had scored. It made her wish that her mother had been there and she made a mental note to invite her to the game next weekend.

 

* * *

 

Lexa was one of the first people out of the locker room having had showered and dressed into a tank top and her jogger pants, her legs feeling a bit of fatigue from running up and down the pitch for ninety minutes. Her shoulder also felt slightly sore after she had fallen on it earlier in the box during a penalty that was never called. But the soreness of her muscles soon became long forgotten as a screeching voice yelled out "Lexie!"

Lexa bent down to capture Aden as he launched himself into the air with arms stretched wide as Lexa stood, holding her nephew tightly to her chest in a bear hug. She swung him from side to side as his legs flailed around her waist, into the air, causing the boy to laugh harmoniously. No matter what issues may be surrounding her, she knew they would all melt away the moment that boys laughter reached her ears.

And it wasn't that Lexa had much bothering her at the moment. They had won the game and had done so by a rather large margin once Clarke had opened up the game. Clarke. Their interaction today made her heart sore and it was the first time in weeks that she found herself unable to think about anything more than wanting to be with her. That's not to say that she didn't think a little bit about the lying, but it no longer fell to the forefront of her mind and she had spent her shower wondering how much more space she really wanted anymore. It was more so that she was afraid of making a move too soon. Maybe she was just waiting for a sign to tell her that it was time but for the life of her, Lexa had no idea what that sign was supposed to be.

But signs and timing were nearly forgotten by the time Anya reached her son, which her sister had yet to let go of. "That was a great game, Lex."

Lexa beamed at her sister over Aden's shoulder, not yet content with putting the boy down even though he was squirming against her chest. Instead she used her arms to hoist the boy higher so her arms could drop from the boy's shoulders to his waist, allowing him to push away from her at an arm's length while she continued to hold him to look his aunt in the eye. His hazel eyes sparkled with enjoyment.

"That pass was so cool!" Aden practically yelled in her ear, causing Lexa to flinch slightly.

"Thanks buddy," she said before looking back to Anya. "I was so glad that you guys could make it out. Are you guys free for a little while? We don't host parties during playoffs until the end of season so my evening is pretty open."

Anya gave her a sad look, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. Instead her eyes held something that looked a little cunning and almost made Lexa feel suspicious. "Actually I need to run a few errands, I was hoping that you could take Aden for a couple of hours and I can pick him up from your place?"

"Yeah, Lexie, please please please can I hang out with you?" Aden's lip jutted out into a pout as his eyebrows lifted up as they pulled together in the center. It was the puppy dog look he gave her to ensure that she was unable to say no, not that she had planned to say no. But either way, she was unable to resist his charms.

"Sure," Lexa said without a second thought. "Maybe we can grab some ice cream on the way back to my place." The suggestion landed her with two small arms gripping tightly around her neck, partially blocking her airway as the boy squealed.

"You're hurting your aunt," Anya chided with a smile and a laugh in her voice, though small arms immediately loosened their grip as the boy pulled away with rosy cheeks.

"Sorry," he said before his head whipped around back to the locker room door. "Clarke!" he then yelled, squirming erratically to the point where Lexa had to let him down. And within an instant he was sprinting into the blonde's arms who kneeled at the floor to greet him with a bright smile and Lexa's heart felt as if it were swelling in her chest at the sight of it.

It was not a moment later that hazel eyes were starring back at her with that puppy dog look. "Can Clarke please come and have ice cream with us?"

The swelling of her heart almost felt as if it had been immediately constricted. But it didn't falter the smile on her face as she said, "if Clarke wants to come with us, she can." After all, it was just ice cream and Aden would be there as a buffer if they needed one. But still she saw blue eyes looking up at her for permission to say yes. It was Lexa who had asked for space after all. "You should definitely join us, Clarke."

"Please, Clarke?" While Lexa could now only see the back of Aden's head she had absolutely no doubt in her mind that the boy was now giving the blonde the exact same look that she had received a moment before. She watched as Clarke looked almost helplessly at him as if she wanted to sigh while simultaneously announcing just how cute he was.

"I would love to come." Lexa hadn't expected Clarke to decline the answer and yet her deciding to come with them made her heart beat faster and she found herself wanting to smile even wider than she already was.

 

* * *

 

Clarke laughed as she watched Aden attempt to lick the chocolate ice cream off the tip of his nose, planted there by the double scoop cone that Lexa hadn't even blinked about allowing him when he had asked her for it. Though a part of her wondered if anyone was able to deny Aden anything that he really wanted. Not with that angelic face of his. She had a feeling that this boy was going to be a heart breaker some day who caused his mother early gray hairs as she beat away love interests with a stick.

"I don't think your tongue is long enough," Clarke stated and Aden gave her a small pout.

"I can lick it off for you," Lexa said jokingly as she leaned over only to have Aden's small hand push against her face to keep her away from him as he stared at her wide eyed.

"No way, Lexie, that is so gross."

Clarke watched as Lexa just struggled almost as if to say that it was his loss. In that moment Clarke had to remind herself that there was indeed a child only a few feet away from her and that it was inappropriate for her to agree, knowing just how well her girlfriend was with that skilled tongue of hers.

"So did you enjoy the game?" Clarke asked the boy, suddenly needing for there to be a change in topic. A topic that didn't involve Lexa's tongue. Or Lexa's hands. Or Lexa's lips. Yeah, she just needed there to be a topic change.

Aden lit up as he took another lick from his dwindling ice cream supply. "Uh huh, it was so fun! The goal you scored was super awesome, Clarke. I want to shoot like you when I get older."

Clarke found herself blushing, completely flattered as she took a spoonful of the strawberry ice cream in her cup. But as she tasted the sweetness on her tongue she felt a warm hand on her shoulder and she instantly felt like swooning despite the exasperated sound that came out of Lexa's mouth.

"Can you believe this, Clarke? My own nephew is idolizing your soccer skills over his favorite Aunt's!" Lexa then placed her other hand over her chest as if clenching at her heart causing Clarke to laugh.

"You're good too, Lexie," but Aden said it with such a cunning look in his eyes that Clarke knew he made that statement on purpose just to get a rise out of the brunette. It seemed like there was a part of him that took after Anya after all. It was then that he finished his ice cream cone.

"Good?" Lexa asked completely appalled. Clarke couldn't tell if she was faking it or not. "I will have you know that you have to be better than just 'good' for people to want you on the national team!" Lexa's green eyes seemed to glare in her nephew's direction which only made him smile wider.

"But Clarke scored more goals than you today," he said matter-of-factly and Clarke couldn't contain her smile on that one. Then Aden's smile became slightly wicked. "Don't you think Clarke is awesome?"

Clarke could feel green eyes wash over her quickly before turning to see Lexa looking away, as if trying not to get caught leering. She instead cleared her throat before taking her last bite of plain vanilla ice cream. "Yeah, I mean, she's alright," but her tone was more joking than anything else.

"Excuse me?" Clarke asked, feigning offense as she pushed roughly at Lexa's shoulder causing the girl to lean away from her as she laughed. "As Aden's favorite player I am definitely more than just alright."

"You are not his favorite player," Lexa said with an upturned nose though Clarke could tell that she was fighting a smile.

"When she's your houmon," Aden added devilishly, "you two can both fight to be my favorite aunt!"

Clarke's heart raced with the thought of being Lexa's wife and the blush on Lexa's face told her that she wasn't alone in that thought. But Lexa seemed to move past it quickly as she stood up, giving the boy a glare. "Oh is that how it's going to be?" And with that Clarke watched as Aden jumped out of his seat and began running down the path to the park just beside the ice cream shop with Lexa sprinting after him, threatening, "just wait until I catch you!"

Clarke couldn't help but laugh at the sight of Lexa pretending to be just a little bit slower than the running five year old, reaching out just far enough for her fingertips to brush up against the back of his t-shirt causing him to squeal but not enough to actually grab him. She was in the middle of laughing when Aden ran back over and jumped into her lap, wrapping his arms around her neck as he pleaded, "save me, Clarke!"

Clarke wrapped her arms around the boy and held him close, her heart full of joy as she smiled brightly at Lexa who seemed to be smiling just as brightly back. This moment felt so right and she wanted nothing more than to have moments like this with Lexa for the rest of her life.

"I'll protect you!" Clarke exclaimed as she stood up and ran towards the park, into the grass with the boy wrapped around her.

"And who will protect you?" Lexa asked as she chased after her, her arms wrapping around both the blonde and the boy before pulling both of them onto the ground with her. They were a mess of limbs and ticking fingers as they all tried to attack each other on the grass. They only stopped when Aden and Clarke teamed up together to tickle Lexa who yelled out her surrender under a fit of laughter.

Aden stood up with his fist in the air as he claimed his victory while Clarke looked down at her hand which found itself entwined with Lexa's both girls suddenly lost in each others' eyes. They were disrupted when Aden asked loudly, "Clarke, can you come back to Lexa's and paint with me in your studio?"

The question seemed to bring reality crashing back down around the blonde who while she wanted to say yes, also knew that she was supposed to be giving her girlfriend space, even though this space was starting to destroy her slowly on the inside. "I'm not sure," she found herself saying as she looked away from the brunette. "I probably should be headed home."

"But I don't want you to go home!" Aden nearly demanded. "Do you want her to go home, Lexie?"

She turned back to look at green eyes searching every inch of her face as if trying to find something in the blonde's expression. They stood there a moment in silence before Lexa's voice came out soft and quiet. "He's been asking me to teach him how to draw a wolf and your drawing skills are much better than mine."

It was an invitation back to Lexa's house and both girls knew it. But it was the kindness in Lexa's eyes that made the decision for Clarke. "Yeah, I guess I have some time."

Aden cheered, triumphant again as he grabbed both girls' arms, trying to yank them up off the floor, eager to get back to Lexa's. Little did either of them know that this was all a part of Raven's plan and for once it seemed to be going off without a hitch.

 

* * *

 

She watched from the doorway as the two of them sat in Clarke's studio, painting what looked to be a detailed moon onto one of the black canvases that she had bought Clarke for her birthday. She had sat on the bed earlier listening to Clarke explain to her nephew about minimally tracing out a drawing, mixing paints to get a specific color and how to determine what brushes to use. They were all things that seemed to go over Lexa's head but she sat there hanging off of the blonde's every word just as Aden had.

An hour in and Lexa had left the room to do the dishes that she had left in the sink this morning and contemplated finding a book to read but try as she might to distract herself, she couldn't help but be drawn back to the room where the two of them painted. Every now and then Clarke would look over her shoulder and flash Lexa a bright smile before turning back to praise Aden for some artistic choice he had made.

The longer she stood there watching the peaceful, heartfelt scene in front of her the more she realized that this is what she wanted out of life. She had spent way too many years lost in her own head, blaming herself for things that were out of control and shutting people out of her life. And she had spent the last three weeks doing somewhat the same. She had wasted all of that time waiting for a sign and maybe the sign had been in front of her the entire time.

Maybe the sign was the way her and Clarke held each other on the roof, both afraid of losing one another. Maybe the sign was the way her chest felt empty when she went a full twenty-four hours without speaking to the blonde. Maybe the sign was the way they had still worked together flawlessly on the pitch despite their issues. Maybe the sign was the way they embraced on the field. Or the way that Clarke embraced Aden. Or the way they rolled around together in the grass. Or maybe it was the way Aden and Clarke were smiling at each other thick as thieves with black paint smudges on their faces.

Or maybe, just maybe there was no god damn sign to be seen. Perhaps that's not the way the universe worked. It didn't wait around giving people signs to nudge them into making the right choices. Perhaps the beauty in life was that life is what people made of it. It was up to her to reach out and grab at the things she wanted most. It was up to her to work hard for the life she deserved. And this life was about more than just surviving. She had spent years doing the bare minimum and just surviving. She wanted to spend the rest of it living.

A knock at the door pulled her out of her own reprieve along with Aden and Clarke who followed behind her as she went to answer the door, knowing full well who it was. Anya stood there with a small smile on her face which grew exponentially in size when she noticed that Clarke had accompanied the two of them back to her place. The look that had been in Anya's eyes while asking Lexa to watch Aden was back. Lexa arched an eyebrow as she realized that something was going on, but before she could put together the pieces Anya interrupted her train of thought.

"You know, Lex, your new assistant is a real asshole," Anya rolled her eyes but they immediately widened as she looked to Aden whose eyes now sparkled.

"You mean Murphy? I kinda like him," Lexa said.

At the same time Clarke asked "new assistant?"

And Aden exclaimed "Asshole!" with an entertained vigor.

Anya groaned, it was clear which one of the three she was focused on now. Though almost immediately Lexa watched as Aden's face scrunched up as if he were thinking before he smiled and translated asshole into Trigedasleng. "Gapadropa!"

Aden looked almost smug as Lexa felt brown eyes glaring into the side of her head. "And who taught you that word, Aden?"

The pointed glare meant that Anya already knew the answer and Lexa nearly flinched though it didn't stop her and Aden from saying at the exact same time "No one!"

Anya just shook her head. "One of these days, baby sister, you will have kids of your own and I promise you that I will get you back for this."

This seemed to peak her nephew's interest as he looked back and forth between her and Clarke. "Lexie, are you and Clarke going to give me a cousin? Because I want a boy cousin who I can play with. I can teach him all the stuff you teach me!"

Lexa couldn't help but smack herself in the head as her and Clarke both collectively groaned at the same time that Anya started laughing. Why was it that her and Clarke couldn't spend one day with Aden without him asking her questions about their relationship that neither one of them were in any position to answer? If he didn't look so innocent she swore that he would have been asking these questions on purpose.

"I honestly can't wait until you get to the age where you're the one dating someone, Tree Monkey," Lexa muttered as she shook her head. This only seemed to make Aden look confused in response.

"But when am I going to get a baby cousin?" He asked, though this time it sounded like more of a demand than a curious question.

"I need to get married first," Lexa explained but the minute she said it, she wanted to hit herself in the head again because she knew exactly what Aden was going to say before he said it.

"So when are you and Clarke getting married then?"

Anya would not stop laughing and Lexa found herself a little annoyed by her lack of support. Instead she offered, "why don't you just ask your mom to get you a little brother?"

At that Anya stopped laughing as her eyes got wide and Aden's mouth dropped open as if he had no idea that he could ask for one of those. "Can I, Mom?" He practically squealed.

"I hate you so much," Anya murmured.

Five minutes later Aden and Anya both hugged her and Clarke goodbye before they left. It was when Aden hugged Lexa that he asked her in a quiet secretive voice, "So did Raven's plan work? Did I stop you and Clarke from being mad at each other so you can both get married?"

For the slightest moment Lexa was annoyed. Raven, Anya and Aden had all plotted against her. But that moment passed quickly and was replaced by gratefulness. Lexa leaned in and kissed the boy's forehead. "I couldn't have done it without you, buddy." At that Aden flashed her a wide smile and Anya looked at her nervously. "Thank you," was all Lexa told her sister as they hugged goodbye.

"So I guess I will clean up my mess and get out of your way," Clarke said in a small voice as soon as they were left alone in the apartment and Lexa quickly turned and reached out to grab at Clarke's wrist, almost in a panic at the thought of her leaving.

She watched blue eyes study the hand holding her wrist before slowly looking up to meet Lexa's gaze. "I don't want you to go," she said before Clarke could say anything else.

They stood there, looking intently at one another as they both seemed to inhale deep breaths. "You don't?" Clarke's voice seemed to shake with vulnerability, almost as if she was afraid that speaking at all might make Lexa's statement somehow untrue.

Lexa in turn took a step forward and reached out to grab Clarke's other hand, entwining both sets by their fingers. "These last three weeks have been a torment. Life without you in it feels hollow and I don't want to go another day not being around you if I can help it."

Blue eyes looked almost as if they were on the verge of tears and Lexa wanted nothing more than to pull the blonde into her arms. "You're not mad at me?"

Lexa gave her a small smile. "I'm still a little mad, Clarke. Lying is a big deal to me and for our relationship to work we need to be honest with one another, even if it means telling each other things that we won't want to hear. But a wise keeper once told me that it is better to fight with the woman you love than to not be with her at all."

Clarke smiled though a sob escaped her lips and a tear fell from her eye as Lexa pulled her into a strong hug, holding her girlfriend as close to her as possible. She could feel Clarke's hands clawing at her back as if trying to mold them together into one entity and Lexa was inclined to try as well. They stood there together as Clarke cried into Lexa's shoulder and Lexa peppered the side of her head with kisses.

They sat on the couch afterwards talking about all of the things that they had missed in the last three weeks. Clarke talked about difficult professors and having walked in on Raven's bare ass as she was getting it on in their room with Harper when one of Clarke's classes got cancelled. Lexa talked about the new community center and how she promoted Echo so that she could work with Gustus, confessing to the hug that Echo gave her followed by Lexa's response in turn. That news seemed to satisfy Clarke.

"So I don't have to worry about your attractive assistant then?"

Lexa nearly huffed in response. "Firstly, you never had any reason to worry about Echo. I'm in love with you, Clarke, and only you. Secondly, as I am not the one attracted to men I can't really tell you whether Murphy is attractive or not. As the bisexual in this relationship I feel you are more apt to answer that question than I am." Which resulted in the blonde's laughter.

They then talked about where to go from here. It was decided that they would take their time easing back into their relationship, though even as both of them agreed to it Lexa knew that it probably wouldn't be long before they found themselves tangled naked against one another. Especially with the way Clarke's fingers were absentmindedly playing with the muscles just above the waistband of her pants. Lexa could already feel her own desire starting to build quickly in her lower stomach.

"I missed you," Clarke said as she snuggled deeper into Lexa's side, resting her head on her shoulder.

"I missed you too, niron."

Sitting there with her arm around Clarke, she felt as if for the first time in weeks she had finally come home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there goes the angst, right?! It's on to happy times again for our girls and just in time because there are only four more chapters after this one, one of them being another soccer match. And the return of Nia and Ontari. It should be a good one.
> 
> This chapter (You and I [Stripped]) was also named after a song that I had playing to help me write this one. I always enjoy finding out if any of you know the band. I was quite pleased that so many people knew about Taking Back Sunday last chapter. So who knows this one? A hint: it's not Lady Gaga. Think synth-pop.
> 
> I also want to say that I'm pretty thrilled over all the soccer comments I got from y'all after Friday's games. It meant that I got to talk soccer all weekend with you guys (even though I was pretty miffed about the outcome). You guys really are the best.
> 
> I'm thinking next chapter will be out on Saturday. Due to taking a vacation I will probably need to work some later hours this week to prepare for my time off so I will have less time to write. But hey, it's still technically less than a week away.


	48. The Exception to the Rule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 47 Recap:  
> The CRU played in their semi-final game and Aden spent the afternoon executing Raven's plans to get Clexa back together.
> 
> \----
> 
> So there is a song for this chapter - not in the title this time. When you get to the smut scene (it's a pretty tame one, more emotion than physicality but still smut so here is your warning) Ride by SoMo comes on. I love this song but maybe don't listen to it with your parents or your grandparents. Except you SJ, listen to this with someone's grandma!
> 
> So both of the women's matches yesterday were pretty good games. I knew that the Canada v Brazil game would be good. I did want Marta to bring home a medal in her home country but I was cheering on our neighbors to the north so congrats to all the Canadians out there. And then I was pleasantly surprised with the Germany v Sweden game. I'm sure most of you can guess who I cheered for. It turned out to be a great game where Sweden didn't just park the bus and there was some good back and forth. And now I get to see a fully staffed NWSL, EPL and Bundasliga all start soon. The gift of soccer just keeps on giving.
> 
> This is the longest chapter I've posted. I really hope you enjoy it!

"I worked so hard and you are really fucking this up, Griffin!"

Clarke raised an eyebrow as she crossed her arms over her chest to give a pointed look at her roommate across the table. Octavia was watching the two of them with a slight grin on her face as she leaned up against Lincoln who seemed to enjoy holding his girlfriend close despite the fact that it made it all the more difficult for him to eat his pasta.

"Yes, because sending a five year old to do your dirty work for you had to have been very hard. I honestly don't know how you had time to do anything else!"

Raven rolled her eyes. "Sarcasm suits me far better than it does you, Griff. And it's very unappreciative of you especially because my plan worked flawlessly." Then she crossed her arms with a scowl, "or at least it would have been if that little traitor didn't rat me out."

Octavia laughed while Clarke shot the girl a glare. "Remind me to never let you anywhere near any of my kids." Clarke said as she shook her head.

Raven's eyes gleamed with mischief. "I plan to appoint myself godmother to all of your kids, Clarke. You're going to have an army of engineers who will likely help me take over the world."

Octavia snorted. "More like an army of trouble makers who are constantly being pulled into the principle's office for putting homemade bombs in the school toilets."

Clarke didn't like the way that her roommate's grin seemed to grow with that statement. Then something else hit her. "An army?" she asked incredulously. "How many kids do you think I'm going to have?"

Raven grumbled. "Well none at the rate that you and Lexa are going. Which leads me back to my first statement. You're fucking this up!"

Clarke just let out a sigh, not sure why it was that Raven was so invested in this area of her life. She swore that there was a definite possibility that she had been raised by a group of teenage boys in the less mature version of Neverland where Peter Pan didn't worry about not growing up so much as getting it up. "Okay, first off, it doesn't work that way. Lesbianism in itself is the perfect birth control method. Second, I'm not sure how Lexa and I taking our time easing back into things is 'fucking up' all your 'hard work', Ray."

"The only good part about having a fight with your girlfriend is the make-up sex, Clarke. I mean honestly! If I knew that you were going to waste an opportunity to capitalize on the one upside to your last month of angst and silent fighting then I wouldn't have bothered!"

Clarke found herself sighing again. It had been three days since their talk on Saturday and things between her and Lexa were finally returning to normal. In fact it surprised her a bit that things weren't at all tense and that their silences weren't uncomfortable. In fact it was being apart that was tense and uncomfortable and being together again was what was right. It was as if it had been the most normal thing she had ever done. As if being with Lexa was something that she had been meant to do.

The blonde wasn't one to put much stock into soul mates, or even love at first sight. After all, that type of 'love' was only surface deep. An innate attraction to the way someone looked and if you focused enough maybe the way someone held themselves. And the idea that there was only one other person for her on this world? What if that person had been born on the other side of the world? What if she never met them? And yet, to her, Lexa was the exception to the rule.

Lexa made her believe that there was no one else she was meant to be with more. She made her believe that they were two sides of the same coin, different but unable to be separated. If she were made up of star dust and solar flares then Lexa was made up of grass and dirt and life. And together they formed a universe. Their universe. Their own exceptional universe made up but the biggest exception.

"You don't honestly think that do you, Raven?" The three girls turned to the lone male at the dinner table.

Octavia gave her boyfriend a little pout. "Aww, how cute," then she reached up to squeeze one of his cheeks and he gave her a very confused look. "He honestly thinks that Ray here does anything without the motivation of sex."

Raven made a noise of protest. "Hey! That's not fair. I also do things if they somehow turn into me being able to blow shit up."

Lincoln just rolled his eyes. "Am I supposed to believe that?"

Clarke just gave him a somber nod. "Raven decided to annoy Harper two months ago by trying to tell her that La Liga is a more superior league than the English Premier League and the two of them got into this full blown hour long argument. Insults were thrown, chairs were flung. We almost had to call campus security to break it up. Then I swear to you on all that is holy, the two of them disappear for about an hour only for Raven to return with messed up hair and a disheveled shirt and," then she paused, "what was it that she declared?"

Octavia immediately sat up and raised her hand eagerly as if she were in a classroom desperately trying to be called upon to answer. When Clarke nodded in her direction she said, "I believe she said, and I quote, 'so worth it' before plopping down on the couch with this insane grin on her face."

Raven merely smirked as she smugly leaned back in her chair with both hands behind her head. "Now that was a fun night. A fun night that Clarke could be having if she would just woman up and make the moves on her girlfriend."

It wasn't that Clarke didn't want to have sex with Lexa. Okay, there was really nothing that Clarke wanted more than to take her girlfriend right here and right now, but that wasn't really the point. They were trying to rebuild what had been damaged between them over the last month. At least that's what she kept telling herself.

And yet last night she found herself trying to stifle a moan when their gentle kisses began to become a little heated and Lexa's lips began to wander around the outline of her jaw, down the expanse of her neck, sucking lightly on the pulse point at the base of it. And she was certain that she was finally going to be getting some when the door burst open and Octavia and Lincoln stumbled into the apartment locked in their own lipped embrace causing Lexa and Clarke to pull apart red faced and short of breath.

What was entertaining at least was how neither Octavia or Lincoln even noticed they were there. They just continued kissing as they stumbled their way into Octavia's room and slammed the door behind them. "Unbelievable," was all Lexa muttered and just like that the moment was gone and the two of them returned to watching whatever movie that had been on HBO until five minutes later when they decided to go for an evening stroll around the building as loud moaning began to fill the room. It was bad enough that Clarke was having to live with being completely turned on and unable to do anything about it. The last thing she needed was the soundtrack of sex being played for her as a teasing reminder of what it was she hadn't had in a month.

Clarke shifted in her seat. Great. Apparently the thought of Lexa's lips on her last night were enough to spark her arousal. She would have groaned if she didn't think that Raven wouldn't somehow see right through it and tease her mercilessly.

"Just leave her alone, Ray. I for one think it's cute that they are taking their time." And as if to cement her point, Octavia leaned up and quickly kissed Lincoln on the cheek as the both of them smiled at one another, staring deeply into each others' eyes.

Raven pretended to gag. "You would say that, you perv."

Octavia pulled her eyes away from her boyfriend to glare at her best friend. "You are the one who never stops making sexual innuendos. How am I the pervert?"

Raven just gave the brunette a cunning smile. "Because the two of you never stop eye fucking in public while the rest of us keep our intimacy to the confines of closed doors."

"So it wasn't you who I heard moaning in the girl's bathroom in the engineering building yesterday morning?"

All eyes turned to Indra who took a seat beside Clarke followed by Harper whose face seemed to turn beet red and then Lexa who slid into the seat on the other side of Clarke as she gave the blonde a dashing smile and wrapped her arm around Clarke's chair before placing a soft kiss on her cheek. Clarke just flashed Lexa a bright smile back, her cheek felt as if it were on fire.

"The bathroom stall was locked!" Raven announced proudly. "So again, closed doors!"

Harper just dropped her head in her hands and muttered something that sounded like "Why the hell didn't I just go have dinner with Monroe and her family?"

"You know," Lexa said as she grabbed a sweet potato fry off Clarke's tray, giving Clarke a small grin at the scowl the blonde immediately threw in her direction teasingly, "you should invite Monroe to hang out with us more. She is your best friend after all."

The keeper slowly lifted her head from her hands and arched an eyebrow in her direction before turning to look at Indra and then back again at Lexa. "You do realize that to anyone not at this table, the two of you are pretty scary and somewhat daunting?"

"Somewhat?" Octavia asked disbelievingly. "I think the word you are looking for is 'extremely'."

Clarke nearly laughed at the way Lexa cocked her head to the side, eyebrows furrowing together as she looked at Harper confused. Much like a puppy. A very sexy puppy, but still a puppy. It was a contrast to Indra who actually looked extremely pleased, a small smile even seemed to reside on her lips as her chest seemed to puff out slightly.

"I mean I suppose I'm a little demanding at practice. But the more Monroe hangs out with us, the more I'm sure she'll be comfortable being a part of the group." At least Lexa seemed to understand that after yelling at players for hours on end that she might come off a little rough around the edges.

Harper didn't seem convinced and rolled her eyes. "Lexa, the last time we all went out to a party and I left Monroe alone with you and Indra, the two of you proceeded to debate about which method would be more efficient in stripping an animal of its organs. Indra then proceeded to tell you that you needed to probably work on your gutting technique and you agreed!"

The whole table began to laugh as Indra and Lexa both looked at one another. "I'm planning to go on a hunting trip with some family. I was trying to figure out which method I should be showing to Ryder." Lexa groaned.

At the same time Indra rolled her eyes and shook her head stating that "one should always strive to brush up on their technique."

"I rest my case," is all Harper said as she shook her head.

Lexa just leaned back in her chair with a scowl as she muttered. "What? Does she honestly think I'm going to kill her?"

"It's a lot of hard work breaking in a new central defender," Indra stated and the table got quiet, all eyes on Indra except for Lexa who now had a wide grin on her face and Clarke who just expected that type of humor from her newest friend. "I'm joking, obviously," she clarified. But silence seemed to follow the statement and Clarke thought it possibly had to do with the fact that Indra had a smirk on her face and no one could really tell if she was joking or not.

The sound of a throat being cleared pulled everyone's attention back to Lincoln who seemed to suddenly realize that while he was trying to clear away the tension that he actually didn't really have anything to add to the conversation. In a moment of what appeared to be panic he quickly said, "so Harper, I hear you think that La Liga is a more superior league than EPL."

Clarke, Octavia and Raven all had wide grins on their faces, unlike the blonde keeper. There was almost a hatred in her eyes as she pointed to the door on the other side of the room. "Get the fuck out of my cafeteria," she said with the most stern voice Clarke had ever heard.

The table broke apart in laughter.

 

* * *

 

There was nothing particularly interesting about the ceiling in her room, though she did enjoy watching the flame of the candle light flick against it like a moving shadow that never seemed quite content enough to settle. And it bathed the room in a sea of soft yellows and oranges which made the room appear warm and alive.

Lexa tried to focus on this and not on Clarke's voice that seemed to pierce through her closed door. They were watching a tv show, snuggled up on the couch, trying to find some type of way to relax before the big game the next day when Clarke's phone rang and a picture of Abby and Clarke hugging took over the screen. Lexa had watched as Clarke quickly reached for the phone with a nervousness in her eyes and a smile on her lips. But not long into the conversation that smile began to fall and Clarke grumbled into the phone, "so you're not coming tomorrow then?"

Lexa made the conscious decision to give the blonde and her mother some privacy, Clarke nodding at her when she motioned towards her room. She could hear the disappointment in Clarke's voice but more so than that she could feel it radiating off of her, threatening to consume everything in its path. And the thought of turning on the light in her room at that point just seemed abrasive so instead she went about the process of lighting the half dozen or so candles that she had in her room. The candles that Clarke mercilessly teased her about. But one of them smelled of lavender and Lexa remembered that the scent was meant to be soothing and found herself hoping it would help.

She knew Clarke well enough to know that in the mood she was in she would be unable to concentrate anymore on the pictures moving across the television screen and if Lexa was being honest she never cared for the show anyway. She would have turned it off two hours ago if Clarke hadn't looked so transfixed as she snuggled into Lexa's side. How it was that her girlfriend could be so invested in the lives of some housewives that lived in some well-to-do neighborhood as they threw parties and fought cattily with one another was beyond her. But she had suffered through three episodes and she wasn't going to go through another if it didn't maintain the blonde's attention.

She was laying on her bed with her right hand settled behind the back of her head while her left arm draped across her midsection trying to find new shapes in the flecks of the bare white ceiling that seemed to move with the light show when Clarke entered the room. She could read the energy threatening to take over as she listened to the door open and then shut, followed by the patter of bare feet across the wood floor, stopping only when the bed sank to the left of her and her girlfriend joined her atop the covers. She didn't even have to look over to know that Clarke had mimicked her posturing, their draped arms fulling pressing against each others'.

A silence sat between them, heavy and loud. She thought about asking Clarke about her conversation but she could still feel the angry energy buzzing off of the blonde and decided to give her the time she needed. Clarke didn't speak until a quarter hour later when the energy around her started to fizz, having slowly begun to fade away. "She said that she tried and tried but she couldn't get out of the board meeting that she has tomorrow afternoon and by the time she got out she would be lucky to make the last ten minutes. Apparently driving four hours round trip for ten minutes is 'impractical'."

"I wish there was something I could do," Lexa said knowing an apology for actions not her own would seem like a brush off and Clarke deserved more than that. She knew that Clarke had had high hopes for her mother showing up tomorrow.

Clarke just sighed. "I know. I mean at least she tried right? A part of me just hoped that I would have someone in the stands out there cheering me on. Sometimes I find myself looking into the stands before a game starts expecting to see my dad in the front row at midfield still with that dopey, happy look on his face as he yells my name making whooping noises. I never once found it embarrassing."

"Except you will still have someone out in the stands cheering you on, Clarke." Lexa was still staring at the ceiling when she felt the gaze of blue eyes boring into the side of her head, curious. "Didn't you say that a couple of your friends were coming tomorrow? Monty, Jasper and Miller?"

Lexa looked over to see a small smile on her face but it didn't reach her eyes. "Yeah, and I'm really happy they're coming but, I don't know, I guess I just wanted family there, you know?"

The brunette couldn't help but give Clarke a confused look. "But you will. Aden, Anya, Roan, Gustus, Magnolia and Ryder will all be there."

"To cheer for you, Lex," Clarke said with an honest smile.

"And for you, Clarke. Family isn't always just something that you are born into. They all love you Clarke, and to them, to me, you _are_ family." Lexa reached over with the hand that was behind her head to swipe away at a tear that had broken loose onto Clarke's cheek before she leaned over and kissed Clarke with as much tender love as she could possibly muster. The movement was soft and slow. They took their time, reveling in one another as if time itself was non-existent; as if they had forever for this single moment. And a warmth seemed to wash over them both, calming them, consuming them. And it was as if nothing else outside of them and the ones they loved mattered. There was no room for anything over than love.

"Aden asked me to send him a CRU jersey so that he could wear it to the game tomorrow."

"Yeah?" Clarke asked, sounding dazed and completely content. Blue eyes seemed to sparkle with a happiness that allowed Lexa to finally breathe easy once again.

"Yeah. He demanded that I send him one with the number eight on the back of it."

Lexa saw the look of confusion wash over her girlfriend's face as slowly but surely the gears seemed to click into place. The brunette wanted nothing more than to kiss her again. "But that's my number," she finally said, though it sounded more like a question.

Lexa just smiled widely in response. "It seems that whatever voodoo spell you've placed over him has taken over his ability to see reason."

Clarke laughed and the sound carried a melody that made Lexa's heart soar. "You mean the boy has finally seen the light and realized who the supreme footballer on this team really is?"

Lexa snorted in response. "If that were the case he would be wearing my jersey number, would he not?" She said it with an overbearing cockiness that she knew annoyed Clarke and immediately felt a hand pushing at her shoulder. They both laughed, pushing the somberness out of the room and charging the air with joy and excitement.

"Let's listen to some music," Clarke said and Lexa watched her reach over and turn on the wireless speakers beside the bed as she hit play, starting over the last song that Lexa had been playing on her phone. Normally this resulted in some jazz music or some classic song from Etta James being bellowed from the speakers. But the second that the first piano note came from the little black box, Lexa froze.

Within that moment Lexa was transported to last night when she had head phones in her ears blaring this song as her hands wandered down the expanse of her stomach to the area between her legs as she thought of blonde hair, blue eyes and a chest that she couldn't get enough of, wordlessly, silently calling out Clarke's name in her release.

It was only several seconds in before Clarke asked in a shocked wonder, "Lex, is this Ride by SoMo?"

Lexa managed to squeak out a confirmation that it was. It wasn't that Ride was a bad song, on the contrary, Lexa loved the smooth melody, the soft voice and the classical undertones of the instruments behind it. It was just that this song was also possibly one of the most sexy, put-you-in-the-mood songs to ever exist. It was the song you used when trying to seduce the girl you liked into sleeping with you. Not fucking. But making sweet, sensual love to. And this was the song that poured into the room housing two girls who were trying to ease back into their relationship and yet we're both filled with so much sexual frustration it could have been harnessed to start the battle of Troy all over again.

Lexa gulped, trying to think quickly. She decided that it would be best to try and lighten the room, somehow make something humorous about this. So she sang along with her favorite verse hoping that it took. "Poison in our veins but we don't even care, candles dripping on our bodies baby this ain't truth or dare.."

"Oh my god," Clarke nearly snorted, Lexa's plan actually working. "You _would_ have a sex song that somehow involved candles, wouldn't you?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Clarke, I don't understand why you don't love candles. They are amazing. I mean look at the ambiance in this room."

Okay, so Lexa succeeded in her plan only to completely fuck it up a moment later. In looking around the room it got quiet again and the gentle flickers of the flames mixed well with the soft melody of the song and the implicating words that vibrated from the speaker and both girls found themselves no longer staring at the room but from eyes to lips.

Lexa could feel herself swallow down the lump in her throat as her eyes washed over the swell of Clarke's chest and her traitorous hands moved of their own volition, tracing over the curves of the blonde's body which seemed to hum beneath her fingertips drawing her body forward.

One second she was looking sideways and the next she was hovering over the blonde whose eyes were dilated and her chest was heaving. Lexa found herself taking a deep breath as soft hands snaked up the back of her shirt, the feeling of skin on skin guiding her downwards to capture the lips that she had been wanting to kiss all day.

_"Whoah oh oh, and we can go slow, yeah we can go slow, oh oh oh oh..."_

 

* * *

 

Whether it be the song or something else, despite the lust radiating off the two of them, they were both taking their movements slow as if savoring the moment. And if Clarke could be honest, she wouldn't mind if this moment dragged on and on until they both disappeared into oblivion, never to return.

It was an adventure of exploration as shirts were slowly pealed over heads and buttons were carefully popped open, zippers clicking down a single tooth at a time, all the while knuckles dragged across smooth skin and lace and cotton. It took until the end of the song for them to both be in underwear and typical Lexa playlist jazz began to slowly litter the walls. Clarke couldn't stifle her gasp as strong hands began kneading at her chest and wet kisses made home in her neck just below her ear.

Lexa's right hand moved with confidence and certainty over her torso while her left hand reached out and entwined itself in Clarke's right hand with a tight grip, pushing it down forcefully into the mattress as if it were the only thing anchoring them to the bed, to this room, to this planet.

Under normal circumstances this is where Clarke would find herself begging as Lexa's hands slowly made their way up her thighs but there was nothing teasing about Lexa's motions. It wasn't as if the brunette above her was stringing her along looking for response. Instead it was as if they were trying to map out every inch of her skin, allowing them to give themselves over to this moment in time. And Clarke didn't beg. She just slowly groaned out her appreciation for those nimble digits that slowly slipped their way against her causing her to gasp.

"Niron, look at me." The command wasn't forceful but it still held an authority that made Clarke's eyes snap open as she found herself staring straight into the darkness of large pupils highlighted by a slivered circle of forest green. She continued to stare into them, reading her lover's souls like a story laid out in front of her as fingers slowly circled the sensitive nerves between her legs.

"Lexa," she found herself nearly whispering before two fingers pushed into her, slowly rocking in and out and Clarke couldn't help but push the crown of her head further into the pillows as she slammed her eyelids shut, back arching, pleasure taking over her body. She felt as if she could tear apart at the seems.

But the fingers in her stopped moving and Lexa's voice came out beaconing her back with the same command as before. "Chek ai au, Niron."

Clarke found herself erratically taking in breaths of air as she forced her eyes open to see Lexa looking at her eyes intently, purposefully. She only allowed her fingers to move once more when Clarke found herself lost again in Lexa's eyes.

Her body felt as if it were on fire as her free hand slowly made its way up Lexa's thrusting arm, to her shoulder to rest at her neck to pull the brunette down for a kiss. And Lexa relented slightly as lips softly brushed against each other in a tender kiss, never pressed hard enough for their eyes not to look directly into each other. Their noses softly bushed every time Lexa turned her head to change the direction of the kiss. But when Lexa's fingers curled up in just the right way Clarke found her eyes lost behind the protection of her eyelids once again as her face jerked sideways, cheek pressing into the pillow below.

Again fingers froze and Clarke cried out. It was a cry of pain, though she couldn't say it was painful so much as it was torturous. She was close, she was so damn close that she could taste her release on her tongue. "Lexa, please!"

But the brunette didn't give in. Instead Clarke felt the hand holding hers squeeze, reminding her of her presence. "Klark, chek ai au."

Her mind rebelled against the command but soft lips kissed at her cheek guiding her forward. With labored breath and stars beginning to twinkle behind her eyes Clarke forced her gaze back up to find eyes staring back at her burning with love and passion, begging blue eyes to get lost with her. Clarke knew it in this moment that she would follow Lexa anywhere. "I've got you," was all Lexa said before three fingers thrust into her with a renewed vigor, filling her up. The stretch drove electricity rapturously through her body.

It was an entirely different sensation. It felt as if her body was torn in two, half of it falling quickly into the void and the other somehow able to control its descent. She felt as if her body was about to be torn bit by bit and yet she had never felt more solid as if Lexa and her had melded together into one soul, one being. She could see stars in her eyes and yet swore she could feel the earth pressing comfortably against her body where Lexa laid atop of her. Both the heavens of the sky above and the life of the earth below were one, harmonious.

"Lexa," Clarke panted again and again, about to fall completely over the edge.

"Klark," Lexa seemed to grit out, her Trigedasleng accent full and deep. "Ai hod yu in."

"I love you."

It became her mantra as she rode out her orgasm. And one made way into the next and into the next. She didn't know how long she fell into the nihility or how many times she repeated the phrase or when it all stopped. But when she finally got control over her thoughts, she found herself blinking her eyes as they adjusted to the flickering flames on the ceiling, a head pressing heavily on her chest, Lexa's chest rising and falling quickly against her hip bone.

Lexa was her exception to the rule.

"Wow," was all she could bring herself to say, her voice hoarse from use.

"God, I missed you," Lexa panted, her breath ticking Clarke's chest causing her to shiver.

"And the girls missed you," she laughed, entirely spent.

"I almost forgot how magnificent you are. My memory could never do you justice. Pure fucking perfection." Clarke would have been flattered if she didn't know that Lexa had made the statement to her boobs. And as if to prove it a wet and warm sensation enveloped one of her hardened nipples causing her to hiss.

"Fuck, babe, too much." Her body was not only spent but it was tender and sore. There was no way she could go again, at least not for a little while.

Lexa let out a small huff and Clarke heard her whisper "later, I promise" into her chest.

"You know," Clarke said as she closed her eyes, "Raven said we needed to get to having some great make-up sex. But somehow I don't think that was at all what she meant."

Lexa laughed and Clarke's heart skipped a beat. "No, that wasn't angry sex, was it?" Clarke shook her head no, knowing full well that Lexa was looking up at her. She could feel her chin resting in the valley of her chest. "I hope the sex was still good anyway."

Clarke balked loudly at that. "Try downright amazing, Lex. Completely unworldly. Just give me a few minutes and I'll show you what I mean."

Lexa hummed excitedly at that and Clarke could feel the smile on her face before looking down at her and seeing it. She was stunning. "Well," Lexa clucked as she stretched out her arms around her and made a content noise as if unlocking the tension in her muscles, "if you want angry make-up sex I guess you can do what Raven does to Harper and suggest something utterly ridiculous to upset me."

Clarke couldn't help but laugh at that. "You know, we were telling Lincoln about that the other day before you guys showed up to dinner."

"Yeah? That would explain the stupid comment about La Liga that he made."

"Should I try that one out on you, babe?"

But Lexa only snorted. "Please, like that would work."

Clarke paused for a moment then said in the most serious tone she could, "you're right, it would never work. I mean it isn't even believable. EPL is by far the best league around. It completely blows Bundasliga out of the water."

The smile on Lexa's face fell immediately and was replaced by an annoyed grimace. "Do you want me to kick you out of this bed right now?" Her finger was pointing in the direction of her bedroom door.

Clarke couldn't help the laughter that overtook her body or the joy she got when Lexa finally joined her half a minute later. As amazing as the sex was, and it was most definitely amazing, it was these moments after when they caught their breaths, spoke easily and laughed together in that post coital bliss that she cherished most. She would rather lose a limb than part with this ever again.

 

* * *

 

Lexa had a routine. It was a routine that had lasted her through all of college, one that started in high school. The morning before a game always started with a thirty minute jog to clear her mind and wake her muscles for the task of the day ahead. This was followed by a breakfast of eggs and plain toast with coffee before a long shower. She would then plop herself in front of the TV to watch a soccer game and dissect ball movements and plays down to their most basic fundamental skill. This was followed by meditation.

Meditation was the only thing that varied. This was due to game times fluctuating through the days and years. She would meditate for however long she could until she headed down to the locker room at precisely two hours before kick off to walk the pitch, to take a few shots, to make a few runs, to show off her ball skills. Then the rest as they say was history as she allowed herself to be consumed by the game she loved.

And yet, with the most important game of the season only six hours away, Lexa knew that she wouldn't complete a single one of those rituals today. It made her feel slightly uneasy as if there was something off about the world around her. But as she sat at the edge of her bed watching her girlfriend sleep with sheets caressing her naked form, Lexa felt at the same time that the world around her was nothing short of perfect.

She leaned down and softly peppered kisses on Clarke's temple, onto her unruly golden hair. It wasn't long before a tired murmur met her ears. "Going for your game day run already?" The question was punctuated by an exhaustive yawn.

"No," Lexa answered as she ran her hand up and down the blonde's forearm. "There are things that I need to take care of today."

This seemed to wake up the blonde more effectively than had she dumped a bucket of ice water over her head as closed eyes turned into curious open ones. "What is more important than your game day ritual?" She watched as Clarke eyed her outfit, her game day jersey and joggers that she wore to pre game on the pitch.

The answer was obvious wasn't it? There was only one thing that seemed to matter most to Lexa these days and it was the girl sprawled out before her. It was as if her world revolved around her. "We can talk about it after the game if you want. But there is something I need you to let me do without any questions for now. Is that okay?"

"Lexa," Clarke began in that warning tone but the brunette just shook her head, adamant. She was already throwing herself off of her own game this morning. She wasn't going to do the same to Clarke in case her plan for the morning didn't fare out, only causing false hope for the girl she loved.

"I need you to trust me, Clarke." The statement made the blonde stiffen as she seemed to have some difficulty swallowing the lump in her throat. Trust. It had become somewhat of an eggshell issue over the last several weeks.

Lexa waited as she watched the blonde take in a long slow breath. "I trust you, Lex. Of course I trust you."

 

* * *

 

It was two hours spent alone in the backseat as her driver sailed down the freeway with the privacy shade up. It was two hours of checking her watch as a nervousness ate her up inside as she thought of all the things she should have been doing. She would have been half an hour into watching a game by now. She would have been picking apart player flaws and nodding appreciatively at well created ball movement. It was two hours of her leg jumping up and down nervously, feeling cramped when she so desperately wanted to stretch them out on a run. No amount of space in the back seat could allow her that. It was two hours that dragged by for what felt like an eternity until she found herself standing in front of a blood red door with her fingers slowly dropping the knocker after having rapped it against the door several times.

Suddenly the two hour ride no longer felt as painful as it had only several minutes ago. Instead as she heard footsteps slowly approaching she felt an overwhelming need to run back into the car and head back home. But the door flew open faster than her body could obey.

"Lexa?" the woman asked, confusion written all over her face as she craned her head to look around Lexa and at the black car in her driveway. "Is Clarke with you? I thought your game was today."

Lexa's throat felt dry much like the very first time she had taken control of the boardroom after Titus had passed. But instead of standing in front of a dozen ruthless and knowledgable financial experts and esteemed board members she stood in front of someone much scarier. "No, Mrs. Griffin, Clarke isn't here and yes we do have a game today. In," she looked down at her watch, "just a little over four hours." More like four hours, five minutes and thirty-two seconds but who was counting, right?

The doctor stood there in a beige dress with short elegant black heels, hair pulled back looking like the epitome of business elegance. "Well what can I do for you then?" She looked absolutely confused as to why she was here and a bit annoyed at the intrusion. Lexa couldn't blame her.

"I'm here to take you to the game." Her voice didn't sound weak nor did it contain the same control and demand that it normally did. She was stoic enough to hide her nerves but not much else.

Abby sighed. "Look, Lexa, I already told Clarke, if there was any way that I could make it out of my meeting today then I would have gone. It just isn't possible." She had a look on her face that still held annoyance but also now contained a sadness behind her eyes. Though the way she slightly averted her eyes told Lexa that she almost also seemed relieved.

"Actually you no longer have a meeting today so I don't see a reason for you to not come with me." Abby looked at her slack jawed as if she were sure that Lexa had lost her mind. "I talked to Becca this morning and she agreed to move your staff meeting to Monday."

They stood there in silence as she watched the woman look over her features as if sure she would see that she was lying. But a moment later the name drop triggered something in the doctor who now looked extremely suspicious. "Rebecca Smith? You mean the chief of the hospital that I work for? My boss?"

Lexa nodded. She was never much a fan of using her name and her money to throw around her influence and bend people's arms to her own will but there were circumstances when she felt less guilty about doing so. And making Clarke happy? She hadn't hesitated when she had made the call from her living room this morning.

As if she had planned it, and to be fair she did tell Becca's assistant to call her around this time, Abby's phone rang and Lexa watched as she took the call. Lexa placed her hands behind her back, unsure of what else to do with her hands that didn't appear to make her look like a total spaz. "Hi Alice," Abby said into the phone. Lexa could hear the muffled sounds of someone speaking on the other end. "Wait, are you sure?" Another pause. "So Monday then?" And another. "Okay, thanks Alice. I will see everyone first thing on Monday then."

But Abby didn't look relieved. If anything, she appeared completely uneasy. Uneasy and very suspicious of the girl that was dating her daughter. "And how exactly does a junior in college convince the head of a hospital to just up and move a staff meeting that has been planned for over a month when over a week of me asking did absolutely nothing?"

The answer had to do with something that involved the fact that she had promised something that would likely result in a hospital wing being named after Iliana Woods, but that was not something she had time to discuss right now. If they didn't leave right this moment she would no longer be two hours early to the pitch.

"The _how_ really isn't important right now," Lexa answered with a small sigh. "What's important is that you get changed real quick so that we can get on the road and to the stadium." She then made a motion to the car with her head. But the uneasiness just seemed to take over the older woman who was now twisting her fingers in her hand. "Unless you don't want to go," Lexa followed. This is why she didn't tell Clarke where she was going. She knew there was a chance she would be driving back alone.

Instead Abby sighed and motioned for Lexa to come inside. The brunette stood there a moment and looked at her watch. She needed to leave now. Like right now. Instead she just threw a look back at the car before giving off a defeated sigh and grabbing the bag at her feet.

Lexa sat at the kitchen table watching Abby pour two mugs with coffee, her slow pace making Lexa even more anxious. She was going to have to accept that along with all of the other missed superstitious game day routines that she was also going to be late to the locker room, likely no longer being the first to show up. She held back a groan and instead thanked Clarke's mom for the coffee.

"Look, Lexa," the doctor started with a defeated breath, "I know that you went out of your way this morning but I'm not sure that me going is for the best."

The coffee tasted a little bitter as if the beans had been ground up long ago as opposed to sometime within the last two weeks. "I'm not really sure what you mean."

"What I mean is that soccer was something that was for Clarke and Jake. It was what they did together. It was _their_ thing. It was never my thing. I was never the one that went to games with them. I was never the parent that was very good about losing herself enough to cheer from the crowd. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am extremely proud of Clarke, I am. It's just that I think she is hoping that I can be what it was that Jake was at those games and I would only disappoint her."

A part of Lexa knew that this situation called for time and sympathy, that being direct and harsh would most likely do more harm than good. Unfortunately that part of her was overshadowed by the voice in her head screaming at her that she should have left ten minutes ago. "With all do respect, Mrs. Griffin, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me."

"Excuse me?" Abby said with eyes bulging, clearly not expecting that response from the stoic girl in front of her. "You come here to my house and speak that way to me? You have no right-"

She didn't have time for this. "I made a promise a long time ago that I would always stand up for my family, the people that I love. So I am sorry if you feel like I am overstepping here but I can't just let you sit there with your head up your ass while you attempt to destroy all of the progress you and Clarke have been making over the last month."

"Get out of my house," Abby nearly growled.

"No, not until you listen to me." Angry green eyes met brown as both women glared at one another but Abby said nothing more so Lexa continued. "Did you know that when Clarke and I first started dating that you would call her and she would immediately get this sad look in her eyes? I know you couldn't see it but you had to have heard how hollow she sounded." Abby said nothing, instead guilt seemed to plague her as she dropped her gaze to look at her mug.

"But after we got back from here last month I noticed that things had changed. She changed your contact to be more than just your name. There's a picture of the two of you smiling and hugging from that weekend that pops up on her screen when you call. And now when you call she smiles and she has something in her eyes that looks like hope. She has hope that one day the two of you can really be family again, that you can put it all behind you. But last night when she got off the phone with you? She looked broken, Abby."

Lexa could see the tears building behind Abby's eyes and when she spoke she sounded so small and hopeless. "Jake is the one that Clarke wants there today, not me. And as much as I wish I could, I could never be Jake."

Lexa just sighed. Instead of responding right away she reached into her bag and grabbed the green jersey that she had brought with her. With much care she laid it across the table so that the back of it could be seen covered in a large eight. Then she pointed to the name pressed onto the back of it in all caps.

"Griffin," she read off to the woman whose eyebrows now pulled together. "Jake may have been the one who used to go to her games but he wasn't her only parent, he wasn't the only one to raise her. You did half of that work. You are half the reason that she has turned out to be the most exceptional, understanding and loving person that I have ever met. And on top of all of that, she is an amazing soccer player who just wants to be able to look up into the stands today and see a parent who is proud of the person who she has become whether or not we win or lose.

"You think she needs someone out there yelling her name and waving around a sign with a completely painted face, annoying any and all parents from players from the other team. What she needs is for her mother to love her enough to want to share the biggest moments of her life with her. And maybe you don't see today as one of those big moment things because it is just soccer. But to her? She'll remember today for the rest of her life. Do you really want her to also remember how it was that you weren't there?"

They sat there staring at one another for a long moment before Abby grabbed the jersey tightly and held it to her chest as if afraid Lexa would take it away from her. "Whether you decide to go with me or not, I got that jersey for you. Your daughter is something to behold and she deserves to be bragged about. She deserves to have her number worn by great people who love her dearly. And I wish I had the time to give to let you think this through but this," she pointed down at the ground, "this right here is your moment. Will you come with me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man guys, there are only three more chapters now. It almost feels surreal to me. I mean I've gotten a few comments on earlier chapters and I go back and read the chapter and it feels like since forever and a day since I wrote them.
> 
> So I'm thinking that the chapters will be released Saturday mornings until this story is complete. I'm not sure how long the next chapter will be but following the championship game there will be 2 epilogue chapters that should have some good length to them. They will be slightly scattered as they take us through time.
> 
> I really love hearing from you guys. If there is anything you want to read written in Clexa's future together let me know! If I can add it in I would love to do that for you!


	49. Queen Sang it Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 48 Recap:  
> Clexa is back on track and Lexa met up with Abby the morning of the championship game to convince the woman to cheer Clarke on.
> 
> \---
> 
> I honestly can't believe that we have gotten to this point in the story. If I wasn't writing an epilogue, this is the chapter where the story would end. I started this story months ago and it's been a pretty constant companion for me as have all of your guys' amazing comments. I don't think I would have gotten this far if you guys didn't reach out the way you did. So this chapter is for you guys. I hope I make y'all proud with this one.
> 
> And a big shout out to reader and now dear friend @lostheartsablaze for suggesting the goals in this chapter to me. I asked her to send me one to use and she sent me like ten, all of which were fun to watch and completely inspired all the goals in this one.

Clarke paced around the room, her head constantly craning to take a look at the large clock on the wall. Each tick seemed to ping around the corners of her mind drawing out a nervousness that started as an ache in her chest and drew itself up as it gnawed its way through her throat. She was all nerves and tension and not a single ounce of that had anything to do with the game set to start in an hour and forty-five minutes.

"She said she was on her way," but even the normal emotionless voice of her friend seemed to hold in it a slight wave of uneasiness. It did nothing but make the blonde more agitated as she picked up her pace.

"Well you've known Lexa most of your life, Indra. You've played with her on all of her teams. Has she ever not been here exactly two hours before the game? Has she ever just skipped her game day routines altogether?" Something was wrong right? Something had to be wrong. It's the only thing that echoed over and over in her mind.

"Where's Woods?" A voice asked from behind them and Clarke couldn't help but whirl around at her roommate and glare in her direction. Raven seemed to freeze in response at the doorway of the room before slowly raising both hands in surrender. "Nope, never mind, forget I asked. I said nothing at all."

"She says she's on her way," Harper said, sliding into the locker room between the doorframe and her girlfriend that was frozen in place with Clarke still glaring at her.

"She says to tell you to stop freaking out, Griffin," Indra said from right behind her causing Clarke to pull her gaze away from Raven and back to the other midfielder. Indra was sitting on the bench looking at her phone apparently having a texting conversation with the Commander who was never late. The Commander who had things to do but didn't want to tell them to Clarke. Clarke who if she asked, the brunette would tell her but the blonde couldn't bring herself to when Lexa sat there asking for trust.

"I'm not freaking out!"

"The vein in your neck says otherwise," Octavia said as she strode through the door, only having heard Clarke's response. Then the striker stopped and looked around the locker room confused. "Hey, where's our broody Commander?"

"Wrong question," Raven managed to grumble before Clarke was glaring in Octavia's direction.

"Maybe we should light her one of Woods' candles to calm her down." Octavia said as she warily looked at the seething blonde. "What are the chances that she keeps some in her locker?"

The mention of candles actually caused Clarke to look away from Octavia with a slight blush to her cheeks. Flashes of the night before took over her vision and momentarily distracted her from her worried thoughts. It apparently also left this sly smirk on her face that she had no idea she was housing.

"Oh Jesus, please tell me that she hasn't converted you to her love of candles. Please tell me that stupid grin on your face has absolutely nothing to do with candles," Raven groaned.

"Reyes, your hatred of candles is beyond my comprehension."

Clarke's head whipped around to see Lexa leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed, an eyebrow arched at Clarke's roommate and Clarke let out a small sigh of relief. "Where have you been?"

"Lexa, your girlfriend has been flipping out for the past twenty-five minutes. If I have to listen to her ask me one more time where you went I'm going to tell her," Indra said with a sigh.

Clarke had half a mind to ask her one more time just to see if it would give her an answer but Lexa replied before she could. "If you do that then she'll just realize that bugging you is a sure fired way for her to get her way." Indra nodded and Clarke was about to send a glare in her girlfriend's direction when Lexa motioned for Clarke to follow her out of the locker room.

"Where have you been?" Clarke asked one more time as soon as they were alone.

"Look, Clarke, I really don't want to talk about it right now."

"Is this because of last night?" The question seemed to confuse Lexa who looked at her with wide eyes. "Did we move too fast? Is that why you ran away this morning?"

"I didn't," she started before stopping. "I'm sorry if that's what you thought. I never meant to worry you. I really did just have something I needed to do." She paused again, looking worried. "Do you think we moved too quickly?"

"God, no," Clarke said without an millisecond of hesitation which seemed to cause the brunette to grin widely and Clarke could feel the blush rise in her cheeks.

"Good," Lexa said, clearly relieved. Then she pulled away from Clarke with this excited look on her face. "So I need to go get ready but Aden is waiting for you outside and he wants to wish you luck before we need to get on the pitch to start warming up."

Clarke could feel the smile on her face as Lexa looked around before leaning in to plant a soft kiss on her cheek before turning back towards the locker room, already forty minutes behind schedule. "You have fifteen minutes," she heard before she made a move to head outside the door.

Aden stood in the hallway with a huge smile on his face, his green number eight jersey a little big for his tiny frame almost reached down to his knees. The smile on his face was likely just as large as it was on hers, though his cheeks were painted in green and white, Lexa's number written onto his cheeks.

"Clarke!" Then there was a force slamming into her chest, knocking a bit of wind out of her as two arms circled around her neck filling Clarke's heart with warmth and a desire to never let go. She had no idea how it was that Lexa was able to let him go with hugs like this. She assumed that whatever she was feeling now was something that Lexa felt ten fold.

"Hey Buddy! I'm so glad you came today and I really like your jersey! Hopefully Lexa didn't get too upset."

Aden just gave her a weird look as if he were confused. "Why would she be upset? Lexa said that I made a good choice because you are her favorite player too." If Aden's hug hadn't made her heart turn to goo then that statement most definitely did. "Are you your favorite player too, Clarke?"

At that the blonde laughed. "No, Lexa is my favorite player. But maybe we don't tell her, it would just get to her head." The truth was that Clarke wanted to tell the brunette herself.

"Okay," the boy agreed with a mischievous smile. A smile that only grew when he said in a very nonchalant voice that made Clarke a little suspicious, "can you take me to my mommy?"

It wasn't at all an odd request, it was just the way he said it. She found herself eyeing him warily as she allowed him to drag her outside and around the corner. What she saw there would have made her freeze had the little boy not been threatening to yank her arm out of her socket.

Anya stood there with her back to Clarke in a green number ten jersey with the name "WOODS" written on the back of it. But it was the woman talking to Lexa's sister in a green number eight jersey that had her sputtering. "Mom?" Clarke asked aloud, not really sure if she was imagining this or not.

Abby turned and gave Clarke a smile, her right cheek was painted in horizontal green and white stripes. Her hands were stuffed into the front pockets of her jeans which was a sign that the woman was slightly anxious but she seemed to relax when Clarke flashed her a bright, unforced smile.

"Well Abby," Anya said as Aden took a hold of his mother's hand, "we will go ahead and save you a seat at midfield. I'll introduce you to Gustus and Magnolia who are already sitting in the front row. Come find us when you're done."

"Yeah, you can sit right next to me!" Aden said with a bright smile. "Lexa says it's my job to answer all your soccer questions and to tell you how great Lexa is." At that all of them laughed and Clarke was reminded that she should probably never ask Aden to keep a secret. As it was, she was sure Lexa was going to find out who Clarke's favorite player was from the boy before the end of the night.

"She really did tell him that," Abby said as she shook her head while they watched Anya and Aden head towards their seats. "Right after she introduced me to them she leaned down and loudly whispered him his orders and told him to be discrete and drop hints about how great she was so I would like her." Clarke couldn't contain her smile, something that was becoming common place over the last ten minutes. She could even imagine her girlfriend shooting Abby a wink after she had said it. "She should have told him what 'discrete' means."

Instead of saying anything Clarke pulled Abby into a deep hug, a flood of emotions coming over her. She honestly never thought she would see the day that her mother showed up to one of her college games to cheer her on, and yet here she was wearing a jersey with her number on it with a partially painted face having driven two hours just to be here. Then it dawned on her.

"Wait, don't you have a meeting that started an hour ago? And why did Lexa know you were here and I didn't? And where did you get that jersey?"

Abby pulled away from the hug and gave her a warm smile. "Well your girlfriend somehow managed to get my meeting moved which is something I tried to do for a week and wasn't able to get my boss to budge. So either Lexa has some amazing connections or she has the super power of mind control. If the latter I feel like you and I should study that new Jessica Jones show for tips on how to defeat her."

Clarke found herself laughing. It was most definitely the former and the likelihood was that Lexa's connection was her own last name which made Clarke a little worried about what it was that Lexa had to promise the chief of surgery. "And then I get a knock on my door this morning and your girlfriend is giving me this amazing jersey and telling me to get ready because apparently we have a game to win."

If the emotions that Clarke felt upon seeing her mother was a flood then what she was feeling now was a hurricane. Lexa wasn't running away from her this morning. No, she had given up the comfort of her run and her routine so that she could make Clarke happy. She loved Clarke enough to put the blonde's needs before her own. She was truly lucky to have Lexa Woods in her life.

"I know that you wish it was your father that was here-"

"I'm really happy that you came, Mom." She interrupted her because she could hear the uneasiness in her voice, the uncertainty. "Dad is always with me," she said, holding out her forearm with the word dad scrawled on top of it, "Lexa taught me that." Her mother's eyes seemed to tear up as she traced the black paint along her arm. "It was you that I wanted to share today with. I love you, Mom. Thank you so much for being here."

Clarke found herself being pulled into another hug. "I'm so proud of you, Clarke. And your father would have been proud too. I'm sure he would have stopped every stranger on the street and told them about how his daughter was going to win a championship game today."

Clarke laughed though there was pressure sitting behind her eyes. "He didn't believe that he could jinx us by making statements like that. It was stressful!"

They both smiled at each other, tears falling down their cheeks, each wiping away the tears from each others' faces. "When the game is over please tell Lexa to come over and see me. I would like to thank her in person for explaining to me why it was important that I be here today."

"You fought with her about coming here, didn't you?" Clarke asked while she shook her head, still smiling.

"Clarke," her mother said with an exasperated sigh, "when have I ever not been difficult?"

 

* * *

 

"Alright everyone, out to the pitch for our last warmup of the season," Lexa yelled out as her entire team began to cheer excitedly before making their way out to the door. She was about to follow Indra out, taking up the back of the flank when a flash of blonde hair whipped past them.

"Woods, I need a word," Clarke growled before heading into the video room with Lexa starring nervously at her retreating figure.

Indra sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't be giving your girlfriend surprises before any major games, Commander. Do me a favor and tell her to put off breaking any of your body parts until after the game is over."

Lexa gulped. What could have gone wrong? Clarke was happy when she left her with Aden. Abby was happy when she left her with Anya. What the hell could have gone wrong in the last fifteen minutes?

Nothing. Apparently nothing went wrong because as soon as Lexa closed the door her back was pressed firmly into it as soft lips eagerly attacked her own. For a moment Lexa lost the ability to think and all she could do was react. She opened her mouth in response to the tongue lapping at her bottom lip. She groaned against the pressure of Clarke's hips pushing against hers. She found her hands gripping Clarke's ass to hold the blonde's hips in place, never wanting her to leave. And when they pulled away is when she noticed just how much she needed oxygen to breathe.

"You are so getting lucky tonight, Woods." The statement made her whimper. Her. The Commander. Whimpering. If she wasn't so damn turned on she would have thought herself a bit pathetic.

"You do realize that if we win today you're going to have to do this before every game, right? I take my rituals very seriously, Clarke."

"Shut up," Clarke growled, the vibration of it going straight down to the area between Lexa's legs before her girlfriend pulled her in for one more heated kiss.

* * *

 

The air around them was electric as they stood lined up in the tunnel, Clarke standing right between Lexa and Indra as she had done every game this season. But there wasn't a single smile on anyone's faces as they stood there determined and with only one thing on their minds: winning.

"We meet again, Woods" a voice drawled as Clarke looked over to see Nia looking at the Commander whose head, held high, didn't turn in her direction. Knowing Lexa, she didn't even bother a glance.

"How's the nose feeling, Ontari?" Indra asked from behind Clarke. The blonde swore she could hear the hint of a smug smile on her face.

Clarke looked over to see the brunette glaring in her direction. "I can't wait to repay the favor to blondie here."

"Touch her," the Commander said in a stern voice, "and I will ruin you."

At that Ontari snorted. "You think I'm afraid of you, Woods?"

Lexa didn't turn, Clarke didn't even see her move an inch in one direction or another. "You know, Nia, this is probably the last chance you'll ever have to beat me at something. Are you sure you want your girls to risk getting a red card and making my job today real easy?"

"You are going down today, Woods!" Nia growled.

The Commander let out a small laugh. "I prefer to let my feet due my talking."

 

* * *

 

The crowd seemed to thunder all around them. College students and families seemed to be out in full force, Clarke couldn't see an empty seat out in the crowd. Though in the vast sea of faces only a select few seemed to stand out to the blonde. Her mother was there clapping her hands enthusiastically with a large smile on her face and beside her an overly excited five year old was jumping up and down screaming what she assumed were words of encouragement. And beside them were Anya then Roan, Gustus, Ryder and Magnolia, all of which were supporting green number ten jerseys.

Clarke had expected to walk out onto the pitch buzzing with nerves but as she stood in the center circle beside Lexa who had her foot on top of the ball waiting for the whistle to blow she was surprised to find that she was completely at ease. Everything that they had worked hard for over this last year was all going to amount to what would happen in the next ninety plus minutes. All the blood, sweat and tears were all in preparation of today and Clarke felt ready for it. There was nothing left to worry about. All of the worries about whether they could have trained harder, whether they could have done more, no longer meant anything. They were words that fed fear and standing beside the Commander who practically exuded confidence, she felt invincible.

It was a clash of bodies, of hands, of elbows, of feet and hips. Within the first ten minutes Clarke had been taken down twice by defenders and twice she had gotten away with lowering her shoulder against an Azgeda midfielder in retaliation. The tension was high and the referees seemed to be torn between allowing them to play and attempting to maintain the peace. The first yellow of the game came against their opponents after one of the defenders slide tackled Indra, missing the ball entirely. To Indra's credit, when she got up all she did was smile vindictively at the carded girl.

The game opened up thirty minutes into the game.

An Azgeda midfielder was dribbling the ball into the CRU's defensive field when Nia signaled for the ball at the top of the eighteen yard box. The defender passed it, splitting the ball between Monroe and another defender straight towards the other team captain. What Nia failed to notice was Raven barreling in behind her who stuck her foot in between the blonde's legs to make contact with the ball, pushing the ball to Monroe's feet.

Monroe ran the ball up field a few steps before finding Clarke running free several yards into their own defensive side all alone and passed it to her right. The ball fell to Clarke's feet and with a bit of space around her she slowly dribbled the ball forward, her eyes darting upfield. The slow movement had two defensive midfielders crashing towards her leaving Lexa alone on the right flank with a defender on each side of her between centerfield and goal all facing away from goal.

Green eyes met blue and Lexa immediately ran in front of the defender to her right before swinging around her towards the left side of the field and immediately ran towards goal just as Clarke launched the ball high into the air over the incoming defenders causing Ontari to turn and immediately yell at the two remaining defenders and pointing at the Commander who was already running at a full sprint. Clarke couldn't do much more than watch as the ball soared forward, beginning to drop. It likely would have hit the eighteen yard line had it ever hit ground, but it didn't. Just before it did, the Commander was there, swinging her left foot forward. It made contact with the ball sending it with great force diagonally across the box and beyond the hands of the outstretched keeper whose eyes were wide as they followed the trajectory of the ball into the net.

The crowd roared as Clarke watched Lexa quickly kiss her tattoo before pointing to the sky. The team was cheering as well as her teammates who all seemed to jump onto Clarke's back who laughed in pure exuberance before quickly forming a line to congratulate their commander with the Trikru handshake much to the roaring excitement of the crowd.

Clarke and Lexa were both smiling widely by the time their hands clasped each others' arms and each reached out to pull the others' forehead forward. Clarke's body vibrated and her skin where they touched felt as if it were on fire, both bodies radiating heat.

"That pass is why you're Aden's favorite player," Lexa said with a laugh, her eyes completely void of bitterness. Instead they seemed to shine in pure amazement.

"And that shot is why you're my favorite player," Clarke answered back. She didn't think that Lexa could have smiled any wider than she had been but the brunette seemed to excel even at that.

Their second opportunity came less than a minute before half time. Clarke had been running with the ball only ten yards from the corner of the eighteen with a defender right in front of her on the line. Two defenders were lined up in the box beside Lexa, another defender and then Octavia. All five began to back peddle towards goal when Clarke kicked it forward, though not far enough to meet Lexa on the run. Instead the Commander sprinted forwards two steps away from goal before bending her legs and launching her body up and her back towards goal so that her midsection was parallel with the ground.

Then like a taut spring, her right leg swung forward, connecting with the ball in one of the most mechanically precise bicycle kicks that Clarke had ever seen. The ball launched towards goal from her kick before slamming into the post, only to ping back into the field of play and right to Ontari's feet who haphazardly cleared it, launching it towards midfield and out of bounds just as the halftime whistle blew.

Everyone seemed to freeze in shock with their mouths open staring at the post. Azgeda players seemed relieved, their keeper going so far as to jump up to tap the bar in thanks. CRU players on the other hand all looked as if the bar had offended them. All but the Commander who was on her back on the floor. She slammed her hands onto the turf in complete frustration. But she seemed to recover quickly as she got onto her feet and threw a thumbs up in Clarke's direction to thank her for the great service. Though her eyes seemed to almost plead for forgiveness as if apologizing for squandering the opportunity. But Clarke didn't need the apology. Had that ball went in, she was sure it would have been the goal of the season.

 

* * *

 

Lexa's body felt torn between energetic and broken. The break at halftime seemed to allow her mind the opportunity to finally catalog all of the spots where Ontari had thrown elbows into her side and back. Now as the team took the field for the second half she found herself trying to drain away the broken pieces and focus her mind on the task ahead. Forty-five more minutes was all that stood between them and the championship trophy. One goal up at the start of the half was a good place to be but it was nowhere near comfortable enough, as was proven twenty minutes later.

Lexa watched from midfield as Nia split the defenders as she ran towards the right side of the field towards the corner. Lexa yelled at Monroe to jump back as one of the Azgeda midfielders passed it off to Nia who was now running towards goal before taking a shot. The ball sailed quickly towards goal and Harper lifted up her hands just in time to block the shot. But the ball was taken with enough force to jump back towards the sidelines where Nia was able to run back to it, stopping it just before it went out of bounds.

Monroe rushed towards her again along with another defender. Nia took the ball forward before passing it to an Azgeda midfielder at the corner of the box. Monroe chased it allowing Nia to run freely into the box. Lexa screamed at the other defender to follow but it was too late. The midfielder pushed it towards the feet of Nia and Harper came sliding off her line in an attempt to grab onto the ball but Nia just chipped it slowly over the keeper. Raven made a run to try and save the shot that seemed to float in slow motion but in the end she didn't have the speed and the Ice Nation erupted in cheers before bowing down to their captain whose goal put them even.

Lexa found herself jogging forward as she encouraged everyone to brush it off and to focus on what came next. She held out her hand towards the frustrated keeper who hadn't allowed herself to get up. She had even pounded against the floor just as Lexa had done only half an hour earlier.

"Hey, you'll save the next one, Harp. Don't let this shake you."

Harper reached for her hand and allowed Lexa to pull her up. "It won't happen again, Commander."

"I know," was all Lexa could say in reply.

With only twenty-five minutes left in the game (so long as they didn't find themselves in extra time) the Ice Nation reverted back to their year long policy of "if we can't beat you, we'll beat you up". But it seemed that this time the referees weren't going to allow it. One yellow card so far in the game suddenly became four as one after another, Azgeda players were called for elbowing Raven in the head, stepping onto Indra's back heal, and high kicking as a cleat made contact with Lexa's jaw. But the worst foul of the night wasn't called against an Azgeda player and the CRU was lucky to walk away with a yellow instead of a red.

With five minutes left in regulation, Lexa was standing on the midfield line when the ball was passed to Clarke who seemed to notice a lack of defenders on her. Lexa could see blue eyes widen in excitement as the blonde sprinted her way forward, hoping to juke the one defender that stood between her and goal. What Clarke didn't see was Ontari running at her with full speed.

Lexa could see the hunger in Ontari's eyes and Lexa knew that there was no way she would be going for the ball. If Lexa did nothing then Ontari would likely get herself evicted from the game but Lexa would not chance Clarke's safety and instead found herself running forward on instinct alone.

Ontari lowered her shoulder and she was less than a yard from ramming straight into Clarke's ribs when Lexa's shoulder made contact with the area just to the side of the girl's chest in what would have been a highly impressive football tackle. Now that's an American football tackle without any of the padding and protection.

Whistles sounded everywhere as a sharp pain radiated through Lexa's shoulder while she laid crumpled on the ground beside Ontari who was gripping at the spot where Lexa's shoulder made contact with her. Lexa groaned where Ontari hissed in pain. And then a swarm of bodies seemed to surround them.

Green and light blue jerseys seemed to push against one another in a frantic attempt to get towards their downed players while Lexa could hear Nia yelling at the official for a red card. Warm hands were feeling her shoulder. "It doesn't feel like you've dislocated it," a soothing voice said near her ear and Lexa couldn't help but smile against the pain.

"Are you okay, Clarke?"

The midfielder rolled her pretty blue eyes and just shook her head. "I know those across the pond call this sport football but tackle football is not what we are playing today, Commander."

But a voice beside Clarke scoffed. "Shut it, Griffin. That was badass." Lexa looked over to see Octavia beaming at her, both girls helping Lexa up. "I would have taken down that bitch half an hour ago if I knew that was an option."

"It isn't," Lexa said hypocritically as the referee shined a yellow card in her face and Lexa felt relieved.

"What the fuck, Woods?"

Lexa turned to see a seething Ontari glaring at her with a look that would likely scare others into submission. But Lexa instead squared her shoulders, ignoring the stinging pain as she took a step towards the Azgeda player. She growled just low enough for the referee close by not to hear. "I told you that if you touched her I would ruin you. If you had gotten to her before I stopped you, I swear to you that you wouldn't be standing right now."

They glared at each other a moment longer before Ontari lowered her eyes and walked away. Lexa nearly jumped at the hot breath against her ear. "Is it wrong to tell you that I'm a little turned on right now?"

The blush in Lexa's cheeks was hidden by the redness from exertion and the Commander was thankful. Instead she cleared her throat. "Clarke, maybe you should save that kind of talk for after the game?" She turned to see the blonde smiling wickedly at her before shrugging and running back towards defense.

Three minutes of extra time was announced as the CRU pushed their way forward. Exhaustion was beginning to sink into both teams and Lexa could feel a slight burn in her lungs. Clarke had the ball at the right corner of the eighteen before she sent the ball directly to to left into the air. The ball went over Lexa's head who stood in the middle of the penalty line and she whipped her head around in time to see Indra get to the end of the ball heading it towards Lexa's feet.

Lexa lifted her foot to catch the ball with the inside of her right foot, bouncing the ball up and slightly to her left. She was going to juggle it down when Ontari crashed forward to head the ball back upfield but in a rush Lexa pivoted and poked the ball with the tip of her right foot while it was in the air, sending it just over Ontari's diving head, but it also sent the ball to Lexa's other side. It seemed to happen in slow motion as she saw the ball jump and she followed it, pivoting so that her back was to the goal. Then her leg whipped across her body, making contact with the ball just as it fell down towards the grass.

The shot veered to the right of the goal and Lexa could feel her heart sink. The ball wasn't on frame and there was no way it would make it in. But then a flash of blonde hair appeared. Lexa had been too occupied with the ball's movement that she didn't notice that Clarke had continued to finish her run as the ball came into contact with her head and the path of the ball corrected itself and sailed into the goal.

Cheers erupted all around her as Clarke jumped up in celebration, her right arm pumping into the air, the word "dad" flashing in the sunlight. Lexa watched in pure joy as her teammates jumped onto Clarke, pulling her into hugs, patting her on the back and giving her grins. But Lexa watched as none of that seemed to matter to Clarke whose eyes were searching the field frantically until they found her.

They pushed towards each other in celebration. "And this is why you are my favorite player, Clarke," Lexa said with a laugh as their foreheads touched and vanilla and pine and the scent of Clarke filled her nose and covered her in warmth like a blanket that she never wanted to take off.

But the blonde just smiled. "I know," she said, "Aden told me earlier."

"That boy just cannot keep a secret," Lexa laughed wanting nothing more than to pull the blonde into a heated kiss and never let her go. She let go reluctantly, knowing if they wasted too much time she would get a second yellow for a delay of game. She swore she would kiss her the first chance she got.

The sound of the whistle blowing seemed to thunder like the drums of war as they called their victors and in that moment everything seemed to freeze. Time and space held constant for a single moment in time. Lexa could no longer hear the crowd's thunderous applause around them or the screams of her teammates as they began their runs around the pitch.

The numbers on her arm seemed to vibrate as she looked to her forearm. She could see her mother, Costia and Titus all smiling. There was no sound. There was just a warm wave of emotion washing over her and she couldn't help but smile as she brought her arm up to her face, laid a kiss to the ink there before throwing her head up at the sky and pointing to the spirits above. This win was for them, as it had always been and always would be.

Reality came crashing down as arms wrapped around her and brown eyes smiled in unfiltered joy. Indra couldn't even manage to keep the toothy grin off of her face as Lexa hugged her friend close in celebration. Her eyes scanned the crowd where her family hollered their excitement, Aden jumping up and down as he held Abby's hand, his free one pointing towards the center of the field where Abby was waving and smiling, causing Lexa's head to whip around.

Blue eyes and a brilliant white smile were starting at her from midfield where Raven and Octavia had gathered Clarke into a group hug. And Lexa felt this pull from the center of her chest urging her to run to her, to be where it was that her heart belonged. Or maybe it was where it was her heart now resided, with the blonde who kept it safe.

"Go get your girl, Alexa," Indra said beside her ear and it was all that she needed to release her.

It was completely cliche, like at the end of a sappy romantic comedy where the lovers reunite at the end of the movie for this passionate embrace that always made Lexa roll her eyes. And yet the moment Clarke saw Lexa jogging towards her, the blonde seemed to extract herself from her friends to join her.

It was sappy and it was cliche and there was no other way that Lexa wanted it. She leaned down to wrap her arms around Clarke's waist and lifted her into the air, the blonde squeaking in surprise before Lexa began to spin her around. Every fiber in her body radiated joy. Her smile couldn't possibly get any larger and it seemed that neither could her girlfriend's whose arms were around her neck as they stared deeply into each others' eyes.

"Congratulations, Commander," Clarke said when she set her down, eyes shining a bright blue. But Lexa didn't want to be the Commander, not now. And she didn't give a damn about the rules and her position, that was a conversation to be had another day, another time. For now all she wanted was to be the girl that Clarke loved.

It seemed to take Clarke by surprise when Lexa pulled her in to a heated kiss near the middle of the field in front of a stadium filled to capacity with a cheering audience. At first it was Lexa holding her close, gripping tightly at her waist, lips moving passionately against still ones. And then the moment clicked and Clarke was kissing her back with enough emotion to make Lexa's legs weak.

It was only when they pulled apart with their foreheads pressed together and large goofy smiles on their faces did Lexa remember where it was they were and who could see them. She couldn't bring herself to care as she leaned back down to capture her girlfriend's lips once again.

The next morning, the school paper would post a picture of the Commander and midfielder's passionate embrace. Lexa will have it framed and placed in her office for everyone who wasn't there to see, where it would stay until she retired.

 

* * *

 

"They have to be the most awkward group of three people that I have ever met." Clarke turned to the direction that Harper was pointing to see Lexa, Indra and Monroe in a circle together all looking uncomfortable as they seemed to look anywhere except for at each other.

After the game had ended and everyone dispersed from the pitch and cleaned up Lexa had invited all of the team along with their families to head back to her place for a party. The top floor and roof were packed with jovial families that gathered together to celebrate the team's accomplishments and began to eat and drink to their heart's content.

Apparently Lexa had planned to have this party whether they won or lost. She had said that showing appreciation to her people shouldn't have to be dependent upon success, though their win definitely had everyone's spirits high. And now it seemed that Lexa was attempting to bring Monroe into the group to appease Harper and was failing.

"So," Clarke watched Lexa draw out from afar. "I hear that knitting is a thing." Okay, so her girlfriend picked a topic that was as far away from knives as possible, and yet she couldn't have picked a more odd subject.

Monroe just gave Lexa a confused look. Indra instead nodded and replied in a tone that suggested she was trying to appease Lexa. "Uh, yes, I hear it is quite relaxing." Then she paused and seemed to really contemplate the subject for a moment. "Knitting needles do appear rather sturdy. Do you think one can impale someone with them?"

Monroe's eyes widened and Lexa suddenly seemed very interested in the topic that she had brought up as her head was now tilted and her lips were scrunched up in thought. "For fuck's sake," Clarke heard Harper mutter from beside her.

"Actually," Monroe said very slowly as if she were prey trying to sneak past the eyes of a predator, "when I was younger I actually fell onto one of my grandmothers knitting needles and impaled my thigh." She then lifted her shorts to show off what Clarke assumed must be a scar and Indra and Lexa both examined it, impressed.

"Perhaps your grandmother can show me how to knit," Indra said.

Monroe laughed nervously, "I could probably show you just as long as you promise not to stab me." Clarke knew she meant it as a joke but it held a tone of actual concern.

"Fine," Indra said with a smile, "but I make no promises for any of my roommates."

And with that Raven who apparently had been enjoying the awkwardness from the other side of the room jumped into the circle with her hands up and eyes wide. "No! I will not allow it."

"You're girlfriend seems to be trying to ruin a blossoming friendship," Clarke began to say before she turned and realized that she was now standing alone. She turned back to the group to see Harper dragging a whining Raven out of the circle made by the trio.

"I will shank you myself with those knitting needed if you ruin this," was all Clarke managed to hear muttered from the other blonde as she led Raven away by the ear.

"Your friends really are quite interesting." Clarke turned to see her mother standing right beside her, Marcus at her side with a hand placed on the small of the doctor's back. She couldn't help but notice the way that the man looked at her mother as if she were brighter than all of the stars in the sky.

She still didn't like the fact that a man who wasn't her father was so invested in her mother but she was growing to accept it. And she really was rather fond of Marcus. After all, he must care for her mother if he drove all the way down here to join Abby at Lexa's celebration party. "Yeah, and this is them on their best behavior. Normally Lincoln and Octavia are off somewhere making out in the corner and Raven is trying to convince Lexa to let her shoot off fireworks from the roof."

"And Clarke is attempting to show us some _Urban Cowboy_ dance moves." Clarke turned to see Lexa grinning at her slyly as she lifted up two hands holding four glasses. Based on the coloring and the cute slice of sugared ginger in the glass Clarke knew it was Penicillin, the whiskey drink she had gotten blitzed on her first party here where she very famously danced like a cowboy. She glared at Lexa with a red tinge in her cheeks.

Her mother looked rather amused. "That movie always was one of Jake's guilty pleasures."

"Guilty pleasure?" Marcus said with a feigned scoff. "That movie is an absolute treasure."

"Here, here!" Clarke said with a laugh, lifting her drink.

But Abby just rolled her eyes before looking at Lexa before saying, "can you believe we still agree to date these two misguided movie misfits?"

Lexa just grinned before she lifted her own glass in the air to propose a toast. "To somehow being lucky enough to date them."

Abby chuckled as everyone clinked their glasses together and took a drink. "Clarke, I rather think that I like this one," she said as she motioned towards Lexa who seemed rather pleased with herself.

Clarke couldn't keep the smile off of her face. "Yeah, I may just decide to keep her."

 

* * *

 

"You are amazing, you know that?"

Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke smiling audaciously, her golden hair sprawled out in the grass as they held their hands together while Abby and Marcus decided to hike further into the forest, leaving the two of them to bask in each others' company in the middle of the forest clearing. It wasn't the clearing that Lexa had taken Clarke to their first time in the forest but was one much closer to the train so that her girlfriend's mother and her boyfriend could join them.

Lexa smiled in return. "And that's why your mother likes me more than you."

Clarke laughed, a glint in her eyes. "Please tell me that I heard wrong and that you didn't invite my mother to come visit next month."

Lexa felt her smile falter and she felt slightly unsure. "Should I not have invited her? It's just that she seemed interested in the new Bodies Exhibit coming to the science center next month and I thought maybe she would want to come with us since the company received VIP tickets to the opening night and I figured-"

But her words became trapped in her throat when soft lips pushed gently against her own and soft fingers fluttered against her cheek bone. Lexa couldn't help but slightly moan into the kiss as she was suddenly flooded with the scent of pine and vanilla, the two scents that most reminded her of home.

"I think we should bring Aden with us," Clarke said when she finally pulled away from the kiss looking beyond happy.

It was the look on her face, the pure unadulterated happiness in her eyes that made Lexa's heart feel as if she were about to burst. If she died in this moment she knew she would have died knowing what it was that love meant and having lived with a happiness that most people may only ever dream about. It was the type of love people heard about it movies like The _Princess Bride_ , _A Walk to Remember_ and _You've Got Mail_.

And even then, those movies could have never prepared her for what it was that she felt now, in this moment, as she realized that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with the woman across from her. Any minute spent apart from her was a minute too long. Every night not spent holding the blonde in her arms was a crime. And she had a plan. She had a plan for how she would ask this question. It involved candles, a romantic dinner, a stroll through the park but despite all of that planning she knew that she didn't want to wait one second more.

"Clarke?" she asked, nerves high and butterflies raging in her stomach.

"Yeah?"

"I bought the apartment below mine."

Clarke just gave her a confused smile. "That's great, babe. I didn't even know you were looking."

"Raven, Octavia and Indra are all moving there as soon as semester is over." Her voice was soft and she could hear the shakiness in her words.

But Clarke just seemed to smile mischievously. "So you mean we no longer have to attempt to keep quiet when I come over?"

"You mean when we are home." Clarke's eyebrows furrowed together as if trying to decipher the meaning in her words then Lexa could see the moment it clicked.

"Lex, are you asking-"

"Will you move in with me?"

In the three seconds it took Clarke to answer, Lexa felt as if her heart was beating out of her chest and there was no oxygen left in her lungs to breathe. But the moment Clarke's lips were on hers and then peppering kisses across her nose, her cheeks, the sides of her mouth Lexa felt as if her world was complete and the universe suddenly made sense. The greens of the trees were more vibrant, the blue of the sky was brighter. She was whole.

"Lex, yes! Of course I will move in with you!"

If their lives were a movie this is where the screen would slowly fade to black. If their lives were a story in a book this is the part that would proclaim that they lived happily ever after. But this wasn't their ending.  Really it was just another beginning.  One of the many beginnings they would have as they shared their lives together.  

Lexa knew they would cherish every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what's left to say? The screen isn't fading to black here. The phrase of happily ever after wasn't the signature. I want to try and paint a bit of a happy picture for these two in the next two chapters that we deserved to get. It will be a look into their future, a decade or so into their future together. 
> 
> I've been asked if I'm writing a sequel to this and I don't think I am. I may however write some one-shots for a few prompts if I receive any after I finish this story off so if there is anything I touch on over the next two chapters that you want more of, or is there is something in their future that you wanted to see, let me know.


	50. All My Life - Epilogue Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that we've made it this far together. Over five months has gone into this thing and we only have one more chapter left. It feels a bit surreal. 
> 
> This chapter covers the next three years after the championship game. So the first piece is in July 2017 (a few months after where the last chapter ended) and the last part of this chapter ends in April 2020. There are dates to lead you all through it.
> 
> This is by far the longest chapter I've posted!

> _And all my life I've prayed for someone like you_  
>  _And I thank God that I, that I finally found you_  
>  _All my life I've prayed for someone like you_  
>  _And I hope that you feel the same way too_  
>  _Yes, I pray that you do love me too_
> 
> _All My Life by K-Ci & JoJo_

**July, 2017**

"Lexa."

"Mom, you're not honestly picking my girlfriend to be on your team before you pick me, are you?"

Abby gave Clarke a slightly apologetic look while her girlfriend jumped to stand beside the doctor with a smug smile on her face. "Clarke, she's the Commander. How do I not pick her first for my team? I promise to pick you next, sweetie."

"No way!" Anya said with a glean in her eyes. "The princess is mine!" At that Clarke stuck her tongue out at Lexa and her mother as she went to high-five her girlfriend's sister. She then watched as Abby leant down and Lexa whispered something in her ear and Clarke couldn't help but smile.

It was forth of July weekend and their whole group of friends and family had gathered at Anya's beach house to celebrate the holiday and watch the evening fireworks. It was turning out to be one of the best summer breaks Clarke had ever had. She had moved into Lexa's room only a week after her girlfriend's proposal to move in, not waiting for the semester to end which seemed to please Raven who practically dragged their small beds together and asked Harper to stay with her until she moved into Lexa's. She kept referring to the dorm room as the "room of unadulterated pleasure" to everyone's discontent, especially Harper who would turn beet red and call her girlfriend an idiot every time she said it. And yet the "idiot" had been found sporting a variety of bruises on her neck. A punishment perhaps? If it was, it wasn't an effective means in getting Raven to stop.

And Clarke and Lexa barely spent much time apart. That said, Clarke had come home after Indra and Octavia moved downstairs, to find Abby and Lexa lounging on several occasions since the summer began. Lexa had joked once that she was Abby's favorite and if Clarke hadn't known better, she may have believed her. As it was, almost all of her phone conversations with her mother ended with Abby asking her to put Lexa on the phone. Apparently after Abby found out about Lexa's company they found that they knew a lot of the same people who the doctor had met at benefits thrown by the hospital. For someone who claimed that they couldn't stand gossip magazines, her girlfriend could easily spend half an hour gossiping with her mother a few times a week.

And really, the entirety of it all just warmed Clarke's heart. She loved that her mother seemed to love Lexa. And she loved how fond Lexa was of her mother. And the two of them had been to enough brunches with Abby and Kane over the past few months that Clarke kept teasing Lexa that she was bound to lose her abs soon. Though her girlfriend had actually looked quite worried over the prospect.

Abby cleared her throat, drawing Clarke back to the present. "So Lexa has just informed me that both Anya and I were foolish in our first picks and that really Raven is the proper choice for a trivia teammate."

Raven who had been hugging Harper from behind and attempting to slyly kiss her neck immediately released her girlfriend with a whoop. Harper in turn looked offended that she had just been physically dumped for a trivia competition. "Congratulations Momma Griff, you just got yourself a winning team."

"Stuff it, Reyes!"

But at that point, it didn't matter that Anya had drafted Indra and Marcus or that Octavia made out with Lincoln the entire game despite the fact that she was on Abby's team. There was just no beating Raven and Abby's combined knowledge and Lexa's innate sense of strategy which may or may not have included flashing Clarke her abs and giving her highly suggestive looks that made Clarke tremor with a desperate need to drag her girlfriend inside. All of which got her slaps upside the head by both Anya and Indra who kept demanding that she focus.

It was just about to get dark when Clarke looked around the room to see just how great life had become. Marcus and Abby were sitting on the floor holding hands while Aden animatedly told them the story of the girl who slayed the lion. She hoped that he didn't mention that the folklore stories were based on his aunt. Octavia and Lincoln were gathering up blankets to sit on for the fireworks show, though they couldn't go more than three minutes without coming back to kiss each other. Harper and Raven were sitting on the couch talking to Anya and Roan. Raven had her arm slung around the blonde's shoulders and Harper seemed to be paying with the bare skin on Raven's knee absentmindedly as if she had done it so many times before that it appeared to be done out of habit.

"My mother would have absolutely loved this," a voice whispered in her ear as arms wrapped around Clarke's waist and the blonde leaned her back against her girlfriend's chest out of habit. She couldn't help the content sigh that escaped her lips.

"Titus too?" Clarke asked as arms squeezed her closer.

"He would have enjoyed it but not nearly as much as my mom. My mother always said that the only thing she wanted for Anya and me was to find love and happiness in this life. I know she dreamed up the world for us but I think even she would be impressed with what we've found here."

"Lots of love and happiness," Clarke said with a smile. They were surrounded by it.

"I don't think I could possibly love any more than I can right now. My heart is absolutely full and I have you to thank for that, Clarke."

Clarke turned in Lexa's arms and brought her hands up to her girlfriend's neck, sliding her hands up so that her fingers could twist in the shorter, curly hairs at the nape of her neck before tugging her down into a soft, gentle kiss. "I love you so much, Lex."

"Ai hod yu in, niron."

Their moment was interrupted by tiny hands pulling at their shirts causing both of them to look down with identical grins. Aden seemed giddy. "It's time for fireworks!" He exclaimed before grabbing each of their hands and dragging them out the back door where it appeared that most everyone was now sitting.

They sat with Aden sitting in Lexa's lap and Clarke pressed up against Lexa's side as her fingers curled into Lexa's hand that wrapped behind her back and was placed in the sand. She could almost picture this in her mind. Ten years from now this could be them with their own child sitting in Lexa's laps and their entwined hands sporting rings. If she sat down and made a ten year plan it would be this moment replicated all over again.

"Lexie, Raven taught me something about fireworks!"

"What's that, Tree Monkey?"

"Raven said that you can see the fireworks faster than you can hear the fireworks. She said it was because the light from the fireworks runs faster than the boom of the fireworks!" Clarke wasn't a scientist but she figured the science behind it all was much more complicated than that. Either way, when the first explosion happened it lit up the sky and Aden's eyes grew wide in excitement. Almost a second passed before they heard it. She was sure there was a metaphor in there involving falling and love and realizing you were hopelessly lost in it, but she was too lost in the beauty of it all to think much about it.

 

* * *

 

"You know, rookie, there's no way that any of us are going to call you Commander if you don't score at least one goal in your first cap."

Lexa stood there on the pitch in her white number nineteen jersey while her fingers traced the date tattoo on her arm. All around her the crowd was roaring in a size that Lexa had never seen before. And as she looked towards midfield she could see her family and Abby all standing there cheering from their seats. But it was Clarke wearing a national team jersey that she knew said Woods in the back that she couldn't quite look away from. In that moment, the cheers being shouted by the blonde mattered more than any other voice in the crowd.

"So you'll call me Commander if I score a goal today?" She found herself asking the midfielder beside her, she still couldn't look away from the stands at midfield.

"Scoring one means we'll eventually consider it. Score two then maybe, just maybe you won't have to wait another four years before someone of importance actually uses it."

Lexa couldn't stop the grin from forming on her face. "Scoring two goals against the defending Olympic gold medalists seems like quite the feat." The truth was, had the normal striker not injured her knee in practice earlier in the week she was sure that she likely would have never seen the pitch, and if she had it would have been a very late substitution.

"You know, you're never going to score if you don't stop ogling the blonde in the stands who I saw had you pressed up against the wall right before warm-ups."

Lexa finally looked away to see her new teammate grinning with a sly look on her face. And Lexa could feel the red tinge beginning to warm her cheeks. "First off, that is a pregame ritual."

"And secondly?"

Lexa grinned and looked back into the crowd. "Secondly, she's not just some blonde. I'm going to marry her someday."

But the moment the whistle blew, Lexa turned off the part of her mind that seemed to hum Clarke's name on repeat. Instead she found herself focused on the game ahead, getting lost in the game that was her other constant companion. And when the game was over the score was four to three. They won the first game Lexa ever played in.

"That was one hell of a game, Commander!" The midfielder said laughing as she brought Lexa in for a hug.

Lexa in turn laughed. "I thought it would be years until anyone of importance used that name," she tried cockily.

There was a laugh and then a shrug. "Yeah, well, keep scoring hat tricks and the name will catch on pretty quickly."

But it when Clarke was moaning the title later that evening that Lexa really allowed herself to relish in it.

 

* * *

 

**November 2017**

Clarke stood at the front door still somewhat surprised at the size of the house in front of her. It wasn't that the house was vastly large by her standards, though she supposed that is what made it all that much more surprising to her. A part of her expected the couple inside to have spent the money they had come into possession of more frivolously; it was hard not to think of the pair inside as monsters after what they put her girlfriend through.

Monty had given her a rundown on the life that the pair had lived in the last seven years after she had requested the favor of her friend. What also had surprised her was how much of the money they took from Lexa that had actually gone to church and wildlife preserve foundations. All in Costia's name. Mostly made on November fifth. She supposed that it meant something. That they weren't just monsters that lived for the sole purpose of causing misery but rather they were just bitter people who had no idea how to mourn their daughter's death.

Either way, enough was enough. She would not allow another year to pass with her girlfriend on the couch clutching a yellow notecard with elegant black lettering.

When the door opened a stocky balding man stood there with a large smile with his arm slung around the waist of a petite looking woman with curly golden brown hair and hazel eyes, an older looking version of the girl that Clarke had seen in several photographs. It was clear to see that Costia had gotten her looks from her mother.

"Hi. Mr. And Mrs. Rivera? My name is Clarke Griffin."

The woman smiled. "Yes, from the Northern Wilderness Foundation. Please come inside. We got a call this morning from a young man telling us that we should be expecting you."

Clarke's smile faltered slightly as she followed the couple inside. She hadn't told Monty to lie to them, though this was a much more effective way of getting inside than she had originally planned on, albeit a bit unethical.

Pictures of their daughter were strewn about all over the walls of the house. Gone but never forgotten. It was hard to see Costia's parents as monsters as they sat across from her, holding each other close on the couch, offering her tea and coffee. But no amount of hospitality was going to prevent her from completing the mission she had set out to achieve when she secretly made the journey out that morning. "Actually, I'm here not to talk about your generous donation but rather I was hoping that we could speak about Lexa Woods."

The pair before her stiffened immediately at the name and their bright smiles fell to scowls. "So I take it that you're not really with the foundation then. She sent you here, did she?" The man asked with a growl.

Clarke cleared her throat feeling slightly guilty for going along with Monty's lie but that feeling vanished quickly. "No, actually. Lexa has no idea that I'm here and if she did I'm sure she wouldn't be very pleased about it."

"And neither are we," the woman hissed. "Perhaps it would be better if you just left."

"No," Clarke said, the anger beginning to build inside of her. "I'm not leaving here until we come to an understanding. The way I see it, tomorrow is November fifth and it is a very sad day for not just the two of you but for Lexa as well and I will not sit by and allow the two of you to make it worse for her by sending her one of those God awful notes that you send her every year on the anniversary of your daughter's death."

"Of her birthday," the father corrected as if it somehow justified his actions.

"Even worse," Clarke spat as she shook her head.

Costia's mother sneered at the assessment. "You are what? In your early twenties?" Clarke merely nodded, allowing the woman to continue. "You have no idea what it means to lose someone."

"I've lost my father," she said with a fierce bite that made the woman flinch.

Her husband continued for her. "Yes, but we are all supposed to eventually lose our parents in this life. Parents are never meant to lose a child! So with the most respect that I can utter in this situation, I am sorry that you lost your father so young, but there is no way you will ever know the pain of losing a child, your only child, unless it happens to you."

Clarke wanted to be sympathetic to his plight, she did, but enough was enough. "You're right. I have absolutely no idea how horrible it must feel. I mean I assume that you two loved your daughter-"

"Of course we loved our daughter!" The woman interrupted, offended by the comment. In all honesty, Clarke had hoped for this response.

"So you loved your daughter and yet you dishonor her memory this way?" The pair of them sat there seething but Clarke continued on before either one of them could erupt. "Lexa has told me a lot about Costia. According to her, the day she died was the day that one of the purest souls to ever walk this earth was stolen from the world and it has been a much darker place ever since."

The two of them still looked angry but the mother looked to be on the verge of tears and the father no longer bore fists. "She told me that for their first date she let Costia pick the place they went and instead of picking some upscale restaurant, she chose for the two of them to volunteer at a soup kitchen to feed the homeless. And then for their second Lexa introduced her to the folks at the Northern Wilderness Foundation and the two of them spent the afternoon picking up trash at the nearby ranger station."

Clarke could almost feel herself on the verge of tears. It didn't seem right that a girl like this once existed and now no longer did. "Lexa tells me that she was always slow to anger. That she believed that people deserved the benefit of the doubt and chance after chance, even when no one else believed it should be given. And as slow as she was to anger was as quick as she was to forgiveness. So, please, tell me. If Costia were here to see what it was that you two were doing, what would she say? How disgusted in the two of you would she be?"

The question was like a verbal slap to the face. Costia's mother held her face and the tears were now rolling down her cheeks. Costia's father could no longer look her in the eye. It was quiet for several minutes as the truth sunk in. But anger was something that existed in the two of them far too long to just be forgotten now.

"She took our daughter from us," but the man's words held less strength than his previous convictions. "If she hadn't convinced our daughter to go with her on this trip that we greatly protested then she wouldn't have been there. She would still be here."

"Broken brakes on a car that wasn't driven by Lexa took Costia away from you. And it wasn't just your daughter in that car!" Clarke found herself nearly shouting. Or maybe it wasn't a shout but her voice seemed to vibrate against the walls in a very quiet room. "It was the girl that Lexa loved. It was Lexa's mother. It was Lexa's step father. You lost you daughter. Lexa lost three of the four people in her life that meant anything to her. And had her sister gone then she would have lost everyone! You two do not get to just sit here and pretend that your pain is the only pain that matters!"

Clarke could feel her chest heaving as she pleaded with the two of them to see reason. She hoped that somehow, something that she said would help them let go of all this anger. But more so than that she wished that they would leave her girlfriend alone to grieve in peace. But that needed to be more than a wish. That needed to become reality. So she straightened up her shoulders and her voice became eerily calm, just the way the Commander's did when she demanded obedience.

"That was me asking you to do what is right for the sake of your daughter's memory, to be the parents she could have been proud of." She paused for affect and took a calculated breath. "Now this? This is me telling you that if you ever again send Lexa anything that would hurt her, you will most definitely regret it. You may think you are justified in what you are doing but I will make sure everyone that matters in your life knows all about what you've done and I will make sure that they see you as monsters. Because, believe me, torturing a college student that lost her mother, her step father and the girl she loved? There is no way to justify that to anyone. And if that is not enough I promise you that I will make sure that I find out what is."

"Who the hell do you think you are?" the man asked, though there was a slight fear in his eyes that only seemed to widen when Clarke smiled.

"I am a woman who will protect the people I love at any cost. And there is nothing I wouldn't do for Lexa. Trust me, sir," she said the title with a mocking venom, "you do not want to find out what it is that I am capable of."

Clarke stood up and walked away without another word, either by her or by Costia's parents.

Clarke held Lexa's hand the next morning as they sat on the couch with the unopened bottle of whiskey and the box filled with painful memories waiting for the knock on the door and for the note to be delivered. The knock never came and the bottle of whiskey bottle remained unopened for the rest of the day. Instead Clarke held her girlfriend while she cried. Then she laughed with her as the brunette told her stories about Costia, her mother and Titus that she hadn't heard before. And when Anya showed up with Roan and Aden just after lunch, Clarke watched as the sisters clung to one another as if the other held the pieces of their lost ones within them.

No note from Costia's parents ever came again in all of the years that followed. And every year on the anniversary the family got together to tell stories about those that they had loved and lost. Even Abby came over to pay her respects to the dead that following year and the stories told began to include those of Clarke's father. She learned that he had cheated in his economics class in college and that he was part of a group that streaked naked though their university and that was really the true story of the first time that Abby ever saw Jake, though it wasn't how they met.

November fifth became a day of remembrance and celebration. Those they had lost were not forgotten and they continued to live on after their deaths in every story told and in every joke shared that was laughed at.

 

* * *

 

**August 2018**

"Clarke, you are being absolutely ridiculous!"

"I'm being ridiculous?" The blonde spat as the threw the magazine down onto the table sitting between them causing the brunette to flinch slightly at the fact that she had just said the wrong thing. "Fuck you, Lexa!"

Lexa groaned. They had had fights before but none quite like this one. They were small things like the fact that Clarke continued to forget to cap the toothpaste when she was finished with it or the fact that Lexa would move the keys and forget to tell Clarke where she put them. They were small. They were things they got worked up over and a few hours later laughed about how ridiculous they were being. But this wasn't the case here.

"Is 'fuck' really the word you want to use right now, Clarke?" She asked facetiously. "Because isn't fictitious fucking what has gotten us into this mess?"

"Is it fictitious though?" She was pointing at the magazine article that had a picture of the national team's hot brunette midfielder jumping into Lexa's arms after she had scored the goal that had gotten them their ticket into the the World Cup during qualifying. The headline had some tasteless pun about being lovers of the game. It was the article itself that seemed to suggest that the pair were sleeping together secretly. It even had a photo of Lexa with her arm around the girl's waist as they stumbled into a hotel room together.

And yes, it looked suspicious but the truth of the matter was that her teammate had gotten blitzed out of her mind after her girlfriend had dumped her and Lexa decided to make sure that she made it back to her room okay. She was the best friend she had on the team and really it was the right thing to do. The next two hours consisted of holding back hair, rubbing circles onto her back and tucking her into bed. But all the photo showed was the two of them going in and two hours later Lexa leaving alone and looking disheveled.

"How can you ask me that? Do you really think that I would cheat on you? That I would give up everything that has made me happier than I've ever been in my entire life for two hours with someone who isn't you? It's a fucking gossip magazine, Clarke! It doesn't care about checking facts, it cares about selling papers!" Clarke may have been hurt by the words and suggestions printed on paper but Lexa was more hurt by the fact that Clarke believed them.

Whether it was the words that Lexa said, or if it was what Clarke had seen in Lexa's face, the brunette wasn't sure. But her girlfriend seemed to crumble beneath the truth of the situation as she fell onto the couch with her head in her hands. "Please just tell me that you didn't sleep with her."

Lexa was upset. She was upset that Clarke felt a need to ask her that. She was upset that she had become enough of a household name that people were interested enough in her life to buy articles she was written into. She was upset that her personal life was being lied about and exploited for a profit. She was upset that she was in a position where she had to defend herself. And as upset as she was, she took a seat beside the woman she loved and reached out to hold her face in her hands and affectionately wiped the tears from her face.

"I did not sleep with her. I haven't slept with anyone in the past 21 months that wasn't you. I would never risk anything to jeopardize what we have."

She could see blue eyes searching her own. She looked feeble and scared and Lexa felt broken. "I'm so sorry, Lex. I just, I read the article and all I could see was red. God, I know you wouldn't do that. I trust you, I do! I just," she stopped to take in a shaky breath. "You must hate me now."

But Lexa just shook her head and held her girlfriend close. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, niron. I love you far too much."

It was the first publicized fake rumor surrounding them but it wasn't the last. And over the years they learned to laugh about the absurdity of it all. But it was the last time that either one of them outright believed a media story without talking to each other first.

They would bend from time to time, small things and big things alike made them creak and worn but never did they break.

 

* * *

 

**September 2018**

The armband around Clarke's arm felt both heavy and comforting as she took the pitch for the first time as captain. Lexa had graduated several months before and there was talk about which one of the seniors would take her position but the responsibility fell to the junior instead and not one person on the team seemed to disagree with it.

"Are you ready for this, Princess Commander?" But it didn't stop Raven from teasing her about it.

"Really, Reyes? You are going to come at me with that right before our first game?" Her friend and downstairs roommate just laughed and shook her head with a bright smile.

"I figure it would take a lot to piss you off considering your fan club is here." Then she pointed out to midfield where Clarke turned to flash a smile at her girlfriend sitting next to her mother in the front row. Both wore green jerseys with the number eight, "Griffin" boldly written on the back.

Ever since their first championship game, her mother had somehow managed to come to almost every home game they had, missing only one when there was a ten car pileup on the interstate and getting out of work was just something she couldn't do. And now she sat there beside Lexa who swore she would be at every game along side her, at least until she had to start traveling for the TonDC Spirit when the NWSL season started. Or when the national team pulled her away.

Clarke smiled when her mother leaned down to pick up a rather large sign that said " **Clarke Griffin's number #1 Fan** " on it. She grinned even wider when she saw Lexa turn her head to read the sign and immediately looked appalled at the sign's statement.

When halftime came and went Clarke actually laughed out loud when she realized that Lexa had somehow during halftime gone out and came back with a sign of her own. The sign itself only had four words " **That Is Highly Debatable** " along with an arrow that pointed at her mother's sign.

This followed suit for every game of the season that the two of them watched together much to the amusement of everyone around them. It even appeared in the school paper and later received statewide then national attention when bloggers decided that they just couldn't get enough of the couple's cuteness. This was the type of social media that the two of them at least seemed to enjoy.

During her senior year as captain, when she was the last remaining player of the original team that she had joined, the signs changed. Abby held up a sign during the first home game of the season that said " **No one loves Clarke Griffin more than me!** " And by the end of halftime Lexa's sign had been changed. It still had an arrow pointing to Abby's sign and it still only had four words. " **Biggest Lie Ever Told!"**

Like Lexa, Clarke had lead her team to victory in the championship game every year that she was captain. It was one of the reasons why after the national team won the World Cup and two midfielders were set to retire that Clarke was one of the players asked to try out for the Olympic roster.

Abby took an entire month off of work to be at every game. It also helped that the games that year were in France which also made it was the perfect location for her and Marcus to travel on their honeymoon. It was Clarke who gave her away after walking her down the isle with tears in her eyes before taking the spot beside her as her maid of honor, right next to Lexa who was the first bridesmaid that Abby had asked to stand beside her.

 

* * *

 

**March 2020**

Her heart beat quickly against her chest, pounding against her rib cage and vibrating through her lungs making it hard to breathe. And every breath in felt like sand paper against her tongue as it swam through the dryness of her mouth. She would have taken a drink of water but the nervousness that seemed to devour her whole led her to believe that she would have a difficult time keeping it down.

This was ludicrous. The fact that her mouth was dry, the water likely taken by her palms which felt sweaty against her thighs, and that she was pacing around the room made no sense. She had faced a room full of voracious board members. She had argued with men who held enough power that they seldom heard anything uttered to them besides the word 'yes'. Hell, she had even taken down a mountain lion and won. So how was it that she found herself to be a live wire of nerves at the thought of asking Abby one small question. But maybe that was the crux of it all. The question was in no way small. It may be categorized as one of the most important questions of her life, at least until-

"Lexa," the brunette turned to see a confused looking Abby in light blue scrubs and a white coat with a confused look on her face, "I thought I wasn't seeing you until next weekend for the Senior Celebration game."

The senior celebration game was held during the last home game of the season and was meant as a tribute to the seniors that would be moving on from the team the next year. But this year was different. Instead of a handful of goodbyes, there would just be one. Clarke had entered the team as the lone freshman and she would be leaving the lone senior, the only Princess Commander. Normally she would smile when she though of the title that made her girlfriend roll her eyes but she couldn't do much more than attempt to swallow what felt like a ball of sand down her throat.

"I was hoping we could talk."

The curious smile on the doctor's face quickly turned to worry as Abby quickly closed the distance between them and held her daughter's girlfriend's face in her hands and looked her in the eyes as if looking for something. "What is it? What's wrong? Did something happen? Is that why you're at the hospital? Did you tell Clarke?"

The questions were being fired off in quick succession almost faster than Lexa could follow, definitely much faster than she could answer. It would almost be comical if Lexa wasn't so taken aback by the worry and care that laced Abby's tongue, coating each word in a substantial layer of kindness.

It was hard to remember that time over three years ago that Lexa stood in the woman's kitchen seething in anger as the pair of them glared at one another as if they had the means to commit murder. In fact it was hard to remember a time where the woman in front of her didn't feel like a mother, a friend. They had visited six different countries together. They had attended two different weddings, one of which was Abby's own. They had spend three Christmases together, three Thanksgivings. Between her, Abby, Clarke and Kane they had celebrated ten birthdays. There were twenty home games where their signs competed, eighteen of which resulted in wins.

Abby was there when Aden broke his arm, hovering over him the way Anya did as if he were her own child and then soothed Lexa's back as she sat nervously in the waiting room. She had worn her jersey number to her first national team cap, to each of her World Cup games. And Lexa was even happier knowing that she would be wearing Clarke's number to their Olympic Games. Though it was the name on the back of the jersey that was in question. It would say "Griffin" and Lexa had every intention of asking Clarke to reconsider that. But first she wanted the blessing of the woman that who had hated her right after they met and then welcomed her with open arms.

"Nothing is wrong," she answered, her throat still as dry as the Mojave. "I was hoping we could talk. I brought you something."

The look on Abby's face was pure relief as she let out a sigh and released Lexa's face to pull her into a warm hug. Lexa squeezed her quickly, allowing the warmth of the woman to comfort her, to give her strength. "What do you want to talk about, dear?" Abby asked as she slid into her chair on the other side of her desk, motioning for Lexa to join her.

Lexa's hands shook as she reached into the satchel that she brought with her for the sole purpose of this conversation. Slowly, delicately, she began to pull out twelve silver horses, several inches tall, all frozen in various poses. "Well these are rather pretty," Abby said as she picked one up to inspect it, her hand falling slightly as if not expecting them to be so heavy. "I am rather fond of horses. But I'm not sure I understand why the gift."

"My people have a tradition," Lexa began, her voice much more sturdy than she felt. "It's an old tradition that has gone back for as far as the stories have been told of our people. It seems like a bit of an archaic and outdated tradition to outsiders looking in, but I assure you that it isn't how most people take it."

Abby looked at her confused and Lexa knew that she was rambling. She couldn't help it, much less stop it at this point. "When a young warrior decides that they are ready to ask for their partner's hand in marriage, they go to their partner's parents and offer up one or so or their finest horses. It isn't a purchase," she quickly explained. "It is not trading a few horses for a bride or groom. But rather it is an offering of thanks to the parents for raising the child that the warrior has grown to care for."

There was a smile on Abby's face that Lexa knew she was trying to hide, trying to reign into a tight lipped seriousness. "Lexa, are you asking me for Clarke's hand in marriage?"

But Lexa shook her head 'no' which made Abby's smile falter. "I would never ask for that. Clarke is not the type of person that would ever allow herself to be owned or to need to be given permission. She is strong, she is wild and she is free. And I feel sorry for the soul who ever believes they are capable of possessing her. So to ask for her hand sounds too disrespectful." Then Lexa took a deep breath as if to steady herself.

"Abby, I love your daughter very much. I promise you that I will always look out for her, to make her needs my needs, to make her people my people. I promise to cherish her for every moment of every day, even when she does forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste." At the last statement the doctor actually laughed. "Nothing would make me happier than marrying your daughter if she would be willing to have me. I do not own any horses and I had considered purchasing real ones to offer you but I figured that you would kill me for giving you one."

"I would have," Abby said with a grin.

"So instead I brought you these." Lexa lifted one of the small horses and inspected it in her hands, the memory of the first time she had held this little horse make her breathed inhale shake. "These steel horses belonged to my grandfather. He was a fan of horses and collected trinkets like these. But these," she motioned to the brood on the table, "were by far the most favorite in his collection."

She could picture her grandfather's withered hands polishing off the horses as he spoke to a five year old Lexa about the importance of respect and being open enough to properly offer thanks. "I am not looking to purchase Clarke's love from you with these. Rather, I wanted to offer you something that reminded me greatly of the man who helped raise me. I wanted to thank you and Jake for raising such an amazing woman because without the two of you brining her into this world I would surely be lost.

"Clarke makes me happier than I've ever been and I want to spend the rest of my life making her just as happy as she has made me. I am not asking your permission. But I am asking you for your blessing because I would very much like to marry your daughter."

There were tears in Abby's eyes as she stood up and again enveloped Lexa in a hug, washing away all of her nerves and anxiousness. "Of course, I give you my blessing." Then Abby paused and Lexa felt arms grip her shoulders as Abby stood back, holding her at arm's length to look into her eyes. "And while Jake is no longer with us, I know for a fact that he would have loved this gesture. He would have loved you even more. And I honestly cannot think of anyone I would want for my daughter more than you, Lexa."

It was Lexa who brought Abby into the hug this time as she gripped tightly at the back of the woman's coat, completely overwhelmed. Abby laughed. "It's a good thing you weren't asking to purchase Clarke because I'm not sure these twelve horses would have been nearly enough."

Lexa just shook her head into Abby's shoulder. "If I sold everything I owned: the cars, the homes, my business. It wouldn't be anywhere near close to enough."

"Clarke's father definitely would have loved you. And, really, I kinda like you, too." Lexa just smiled. "So how are you planning to propose?"

Lexa stiffened. She had a plan. She had been planning it for months. Even without the blessing she would have still asked the blonde to marry her. But the nervousness that sat in her moments before returned and with much greater force. It was time to take the plunge. It was time to ask Clarke Griffin if she would be interested in marrying her. She rather loved the way Clarke Woods rolled off her tongue.

 

* * *

 

**April 2020**

It was more than she had expected. She had taken the pitch and looked to the stands for the last home game of the season expecting to see her mother with her " **No one loves Clarke Griffin more than me!** " sign beside her girlfriend with her four worded rebuttal held high overhead but what she hadn't expected was the mass of people that surrounded them.

Aden stood beside Lexa wearing his number eight jersey which he had grown into. He was starting to stretch and it seemed that the boy would likely have his father's stature over his mother's which Anya had been relieved about. Anya and Roan stood there smiling at her. Beside her mother was her step-father Marcus who was sporting green with green and white stripes painted across his cheek. And the blob of people just filled in from there.

Raven stood there hugging Harper as they both traded smiles between one another and to the blonde on the pitch. The trip down from New York must have taken the pair a couple of hours and Raven had been on the better side of busy lately with building the next rocket to take a half dozen people up to add onto the Space Station. And Harper had been busy with the Flash, catching up with Lexa over the phone at least once a week, both claiming that their respective teams would be the ones to win it this year.

Octavia stood there with her husband's arm around her shoulder and like always Lincoln looked as if he were the luckiest guy on the planet. Though even that look seemed to be muted in comparison to the adoration on Lexa's face. Maybe he wasn't the luckiest person on the planet after all. Though Clarke would readily agree that the title belonged to her more so than it did to Lexa.

Indra stood there grinning in a pair of slacks and a loose fitting button up shirt, evident that she had just gotten in from the office, having taken over the department of requisitions in Lexa and Anya's company. The woman was thriving and it was rumored that she was just beginning to date a young doctor that Abby had introduced her to, a doctor that was several years older than Indra and whose father was Trikru. Clarke and Lexa hadn't met the man yet but that was likely due to the fact that Lexa had been practicing "the speech" she would give him when they met. Indra told Clarke she was putting it off, not wanting to scare the guy, but it was only a matter of time.

Ryder stood beside Indra, towering over her with an arm draped around Indra's much smaller frame. He was slated to graduate from high school this year and yet he already had a tattoo inked onto his bicep. The same exact one that Lexa wore. It was his tribute to his watcher that Gustus had allowed him to get after bringing home a larger wolf than his father had during his Gonaspiden. Lexa had just hugged the boy close when he had shown the freshly made ink to her. Indra had laughed and told Ryder to lay off because Lexa already had a second. "I can have a second second," Lexa had laughed, trying to hide the tears from her eyes.

Gustus and Magnolia stood beside their two younger children, all in green. And even Monroe seemed to have joined them with her new girlfriend Niylah. The relationship between Monroe, Indra and Lexa was still a very strange one, but it was one that the three of them still seemed to enjoy despite everyone else's raised eyebrows at their conversations.

In that moment Clarke realized just how lucky she was to have so many people that she loved in her life. And she was even more lucky to have a girlfriend who had, apparently, secretly put this all together. Though it would explain why Lexa had been so fidgety the last month. She had seemed on edge, as if she was keeping a secret that she was finding impossible to contain. But Clarke let it slide, knowing that Lexa would talk when she was ready. It wasn't as if she had looked at all guilty. If anything she had looked between excited and nervous. Though Clarke couldn't understand the nerves. This was a pleasant surprise. A very welcome, extremely thoughtful, pleasant surprise.

The game was a blow out. Clarke's hat trick was just the icing on her favorite cake. Though her teammates were starting to tease her that she was just trying to show off for her own little, not so quiet, crowd of fans. And when Clarke left the locker room, showered and dressed in the cute dress that Lexa had brought her after telling her that they would be going to a party later, she had expected to see her girlfriend waiting for her outside. Instead she found an eight year old boy who had changed into jeans with a black button up shirt and a sky blue tie.

"Clarke," Aden said as he reached for her hand with a wicked smile which just caused the blonde's eyebrow to hitch skyward before accepting his hand and allowing him to drag her back to the pitch.

"Aden, where is everyone?" she asked curiously but the boy did not answer and his energy radiated excitement as he continued to pull her until they reached the pitch. There was not a soul in sight for the exception of Lexa who stood about five yards down from the midfield line wearing a very similar outfit to Aden, though suspenders seemed to hand loosely at her hips as if she had forgotten to place the stamps over her shoulders. Her hair hung down over the left side of her shoulder, braids adoring the right side of her head. Clarke felt breathless as she looked lovingly at the beautiful woman in front of her as she allowed Aden to drag her to the very center of the field, five yards in front of her girlfriend. Five yards much too far away.

"Thanks, tree monkey," Lexa said with a smile that made Clarke want to melt before the boy nodded his head and let go of Clarke's hand before sprinting away, off towards the locker room.

"Wait, where is he going?" Clarke asked, suddenly confused as to why she was standing in the middle of the pitch alone with her girlfriend when there was a gang of friends and family waiting for them, somewhere.

Lexa ignored the question. "This is the spot where my life changed."

Clarke was pulled away from her own thoughts as she turned to see a rather wistful looking Lexa. "What do you mean, babe?"

Lexa smiled and looked down at her watch. "One thousand, three hundred and twelve days, two hours and roughly twenty-two minutes ago I stood in this very spot, yelling at Octavia about some horrible pass she made at practice when my coach called out my last name and I turned to see a blonde haired, blue eyed goddess standing right next to Raven Reyes."

Clarke smiled realizing that Lexa was talking about the day they had met. "I told you that I played right midfield," she said sheepishly, letting the brunette know that she hadn't forgotten a moment of their first few minutes together.

"And I foolishly said, 'I guess we'll see about that tomorrow'."

"And you told Raven to bring me over to your place for dinner where you gave me that stupid nickname that I can't escape."

Lexa just smiled. "I'm sorry, Princess," she said it mockingly, a nickname she hadn't uttered in years and yet it made Clarke's heart jump in her chest. Perhaps it wasn't so stupid after all. "This spot is where I was standing the moment my life changed. I feel like I owe a debt of gratitude to this spot. I feel like standing in this spot I can concur the world, or I can at least dream to possess it."

Clarke smiled, wanting to bring her girlfriend in for a kiss but as she stepped forward Lexa held up her hand, effectively stopping her in her tracks. "Lex, what has gotten into you?" she said it with a laugh and a hint of curiosity. And again her question was ignored.

"One thousand, two hundred and twelve days ago I thought that I had life all figured out. I thought that love was weakness and that everything good in my life had already came and went. And then you stroll into my life, you kick a water bottle out of my hands with a soccer ball and you take the blame for a stupid prank that Reyes engineered. And the next thing I know I am kissing you in the forest and I'm letting you comfort me on the worst day of the year and I'm falling head over heels in love with you.

"A part of me thinks that my life didn't start until I met you all those day ago. And all of me knows that my life would be empty if you weren't in it. And perhaps I am selfish because I don't want to feel empty for the rest of my days. I don't want to know a day in my life where you're not mine and I'm not yours."

Clarke could feel the tears welling up in her eyes and she could feel her smile splitting her face in two. And she couldn't think quickly enough to realize what it was that was happening right in front of her. "Lex, I-"

"I love you, Clarke Griffin. I love you with everything in me. I love you with all the love that my mother passed down to me, with all the love my sister has given me, with all of the love that has made me who I am today. I am yours, Clarke. All of me, all that I am. I belong to you. I can promise you the world, all of the things that money could buy, a life filled with adventure. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I want to be that for you. And all I want, all I need from you, Clarke, is a simple answer to a very simple question."

Then there was an explosion that filled the air, a thundering boom that made the blonde flinch and caused her eyes to widen as her head whipped towards the source of the sound. Behind her stood all of her friends and family, all wearing safety goggles as the air above them seemed to fill with baby powder and green glitter. It was a flurry of color that sparkled in the late afternoon sun and showered everyone below in little trinkets that would be impossible to remove in this lifetime. What was it she had told Raven all those years ago? Glitter was the herpes of the stationary world. Once you got it, it was impossible to get rid of it.

Clarke could almost smell the hint of gunpowder as she looked at Raven smiling wickedly at her, holding Aden who was grinning even more wickedly with what appeared to be a detonator in his hands. Then all of her friends and family leaned down to pick up signs with arrows on them, pointing the arrows towards the bleachers at midfield.

**Will you marry me?**

A sign with four words fell into place in the spot on the bleachers where Lexa had sat at every home game beside her mother. And as if she couldn't believe what was happening Clarke turned back to Lexa only to find the brunette kneeling with one knee in the grass and an elegant diamond ring between her index finger and thumb with a nervous smile on her face.

"Clarke, I-"

"YES!" Clarke exclaimed before Lexa could say anything else that would make her want to cry more than she already was. Never in her life had she felt more happy, more loved, more hopeful than she did in that moment when Lexa slipped that ring onto her ring finger as everyone behind them hooted and hollered in celebration.

Their kiss was filled with so much promise. Their lips danced strongly, knowing each crevice, each smooth patch of skin with complete comprehension. And it took arms pulling at her and her mother bringing her into a hug to pull their lips away. And as she looked back, never had she seen Lexa shine so brightly, so carefree. She glowed as Anya and Aden pulled her into tight hugs themselves.

It took a few minutes for the couple to be passed around before Lexa announced that there was a dinner to be had and a reservation to be kept. And when Clarke took her fiancée's hand in her own she knew that there was no place else in the universe that she would rather be.

 

* * *

 

Fiancée.

The word danced in her head and rolled off her tongue, tasting better than anything Lexa had ever eaten. Well, almost better. There were a few things that would forever be Lexa's favorite flavor, all of which she was planning to partake in as soon as she could get her fiancée into bed later that night. Would Clarke taste even better with that title in her head? She was eager to find out.

"So you actually got a permit to detonate a pipe bomb on a school campus?"

Lexa smiled as she pressed her lips against Clarke's temple, her arm already draped across the back of her chair. Her chair that they had pushed together so that their sides pressed fully against one another, not wanting an inch of space between them. Indra had already rolled her eyes claiming that it really was possible for the two of them to be even more sickeningly sweet than they already were and getting a high five from a gagging Raven.

"We didn't call it a pipe bomb when I put in the request a few months ago. I think Murphy actually made it sound like we were lighting a few fireworks."

Raven snorted. "If you said no, Clarke, I was going to ask Lexa to marry me. Anyone who can give me the ability to legally blow things up is my kind of woman."

Lexa rolled her eyes while Harper smacked at Raven's arm and the engineer let out a yelp. Clarke just smiled. "First off, Ray, she's mine so keep your hands and your dirty thoughts to yourself. Secondly, don't you feel pressure now to get engaged. You and Harper have been dating for just as long as the two of us have."

The statement seemed to make the couple across from them blush. Raven cleared her throat and Harper looked away uncomfortable. Lexa knew for a fact that Raven had a box with a ring hiding in the back of her underwear drawer. It was only a matter of time before Raven reached out to her and asked her to return the favor. Though convincing Raven to set off a mini explosion hadn't been hard at all.

"So, Lex," Anya said, saving the un-ringed couple anymore embarrassment, "are you two going to be exchanging rings at the ceremony or are you sticking to Trikru traditions on this one?"

"I would assume that we are going the traditional route," Lexa said though she immediately realized that this was something that Clarke probably knew nothing about. "Clarke and I will need to discuss it."

"You guys don't exchange rings?" Lexa turned to see the curiosity in her fiancée's eyes.

"During the ring exchange in a typical wedding, the two people getting married exchange their most prized possessions with one another."

Clarke smiled widely, seeming to enjoy the idea of it. There was something so much more intimate about giving away something you love most to the person you loved most. "What would you give me?"

Lexa felt her stomach flutter as she slowly raised Clarke's left hand and brought it to her lips, holding it in her own hand as she stared at the band adorning Clarke's finger. "I already gave it," she answered matter-of-factly. "This was my mother's wedding ring."

"Lex," the blonde cooed before reaching over and pulling Lexa into a soft, intimate kiss that seemed to vibrate through the brunette's core and filled her with a strong sense of belonging. She had meant what she said when she had proposed. She would give the world to Clarke if only she asked.

"Any other Trikru traditions we should consider?" Lexa's future mother-in-law asked with a smile, attempting to remind the young couple that they were in fact not alone.

"There is a hunt a day or two before the wedding," Ryder added enthusiastically causing Lexa to laugh. Of course this was the part of their culture he wanted her to keep. "A handful of warriors are supposed to catch a meal for the feast that is had to pay respect to the family and friends of the wedding party along with being an offering to the spirits above in hope for a blessing of a long and happy Union."

"And you think you would be selected for this hunting party, do you?" Gustus asked his son teasingly.

"Of course," he said as he puffed out his chest, "Lexa is my Fos. And besides, did I not prove myself to be a better hunter than my own father?"

At that Roan barked out a laugh. "Maybe we should have a friendly competition."

"Or maybe," Magnolia piped in with her own laugh, "you should all remember that the Lion Slayer doesn't need a man's help to catch her fiancée a meal worthy of the gods."

"Lion slayer?" Raven and Octavia asked together, shooting Lexa a confused look while Abby seemed to turn slightly white.

"It's a story for another time," Clarke answered as Lexa watched her shoot Abby a soothing smile.

"I can tell it!" Aden said excitedly.

"So that story you once told me about the girl who killed a mountain lion with her bare hands wasn't just some myth?" Abby finally let out as she looked horrified at the boy.

Lexa cleared her throat, "I'm sure his story is highly exaggerated."

"As you've never told another soul about what really happened out there, there's no way for us to know for sure," Anya responded with a glint in her eyes.

Clarke just gave her future sister-in-law a devilish grin and Lexa couldn't help but laugh. "Really? Because she told me what happened years ago."

The sound of several forks dropping pinged around the large dinner table as all of Lexa's family looked at her fiancée wide eyed with open mouths. "You have to tell us what happened!" Aden said, standing from his seat as if demanding it which just caused a smug look to blanket the blonde's face.

"And spend my first night engaged sleeping on the couch? No thanks." Lexa couldn't help but grin before placing a small kiss on her cheek. She trusted Clarke with both her heart and all of her secrets. And Clarke trusted her.

"It sounds like Clarke is pretty ready for marriage," Octavia said with a sly smile though Lexa doubted that neither she nor Lincoln had spent a single night away from the other on a couch.

"To a long lasting marriage," Marcus said as he raised his glass and as if it were an order from the spirits themselves, everyone else automatically raised theirs as well.

"To adding another daughter to my family," Abby added with a smile.

"And a much smarter sister to mine," Anya said teasingly with a water glass in hand. Lexa glared at her sister but was quickly distracted by the drink in hand as everyone hooted and took a drink, all but Lexa who was staring at her sister.

Anya loved wine. Aden had even gotten Anya in trouble once when he had a kindergarten assignment where he was supposed to draw something that his parents enjoyed doing and he drew a picture of Anya with a glass of wine in hand. And Lexa had bought several rather expensive bottles of wine for the table. It wasn't until this moment that Lexa had realized that the appetizers and entrees had passed and she had yet to have a glass.

"Lex," she heard breathed softly into her ear. "You are supposed to drink after a cheers, babe."

But Lexa couldn't make sense of the words, not when her sister was staring back at her and giving her a happy smile. Her skin was glowing and she looked absolutely radiant. "Ahn?" Lexa asked and she could hear the hopefulness in her voice.

Anya didn't need her to ask the question out loud to know what she was asking. And she also didn't need to respond beyond the hitch in her smile before Lexa stood, departing from her fiancée for the first time that evening and striding over to her sister who stood and accepted her bone crushing hug.

She could feel everyone around the table staring at the two of them very confused. But she couldn't bring herself to care. "Okay, maybe release your grip there, Commander, that's a little too rough," Roan said with worried eyes and an even more worried tone.

Lexa complied as she pulled away and Anya shot her husband an annoyed look. Lexa came to her brother-in-law's defense. "Don't be annoyed, he is being protective as he should be."

Anya shot her a brighter smile, tears in her eyes. "I feel bad for Clarke when she's in my position. You're going to be absolutely overbearing."

"Worse than Roan, I'm sure." Then Lexa looked down and placed her hand softly on her sister's stomach though there was nothing to feel just as there was nothing yet to see.

"I want it to be a girl," Aden finally said proudly. "But I would also be happy with a little brother."

"You're pregnant?" Lexa heard her fiancée ask and not a moment later she watched as Clarke also pulled Anya into a tight hug.

"Be careful, guys!" Roan chided, his eyes darting to Anya's stomach as his throat bobbed up and down.

"Hugs aren't going to harm anything," Abby said as she was next in line to hug the soon-to-be mother of two.

"Trust her, she's a doctor," Lexa said with a smile.

"But is she the right kind of Doctor?" Roan asked with a strained voice as he watched Magnolia pulling Anya in for another hug.

"Excuse me?" Abby asked the man with a scowl but Lexa could see that Abby didn't mean it. Roan however looked slightly frightened by the woman and Lexa laughed.

Roan glowered at his sister-in-law. "You just wait until you're the one who is in charge of keeping your wife and unborn child safe."

And at that Lexa blushed as Clarke's arm snaked around her waist. "We have a long time before we get to that point."

"Maybe not too long," Lexa whispered into blonde hair and the girl holding her tightened her grip around her waist.

"And maybe you should focus on getting me down the isle first."

"I'm going to fiancée you so good that you're going to be dying to marry me."

"Is that so, Woods?"

"It's a great last name, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I suppose it is."

"Griffin is a pretty good last name, too," Lexa offered.

"Would you take my last name if I asked you to?"

"If it would make you happy I would happily take your name, Clarke."

Blue eyes sparkled before a soft kiss fell upon Lexa's lips. "You're right, though. Woods is a great name."

"It really is."

"Clarke Griffin Woods," the blonde tried on her tongue. Lexa prayed it sounded as good to her fiancée as it did to her. It sounded downright heavenly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I will try and have the last chapter out by Saturday but if not then I will try and at least have it by the end of the weekend. I'm doing the Disneyland Dumbo Double this weekend so today and tomorrow are going to be busy and I'm sure I'll be unable to move on Monday. So hopefully I can get a few hours of writing in on Monday.
> 
> So like I said last chapter, I may take a few prompts and write a couple of one-shots if you guys send me some suggestions of what you want to read whether it be something I just touched on in these epilogue chapters or if it's something I didn't mention. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked this chapter and I really hope that I get to hear from you guys. 
> 
> -Jen


	51. At Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part II of the Epilogue.
> 
> So I said I would have this out on Saturday and it is now Sunday. Between last Sunday and Thursday I sat down each evening at my keyboard and I couldn't bring myself to write even a single word of this chapter. And as I write this note I am actually a little teary eyed. I expected a lot of things but I didn't quite expect to feel this emotional. It was six months ago when I started writing this fic and it's been a constant for me for half a year. I almost feel like I don't know what to do next. I realized earlier this week that ending this story might be like saying goodbye to a very good friend. I'm really hoping that I get a few prompts for one shots so I can revisit again.
> 
> Enjoy the fluff that follows. I'm a sucker for happy endings and Clarke and Lexa deserve the happiest ending that I could possibly give them.

> At last my love has come along  
>  My lonely days are over  
>  And life is like a song  
>  At last the skies above are blue  
>  My heart was wrapped up in clover  
>  The night I looked at you
> 
> -At Last by Etta James

**October 2020**

Her breath was shallow and her body ached. The world itself seemed on edge in her mind as Lexa sat, saddling the wooden bench of the locker room as she allowed herself to be consumed by the storm raging inside of her.

Anger dripped down her chest, coating her ribs in its overly thick, acidic based, saccharine liquid. Present despite the fact that it was never consumed. It seemed to burn at the edges of her heart as she slumped over her own knees, gripping her hands into tight fists as she tried to ignore the voice in her head screaming at her to just throw something, anything against the wall and wail to relieve the pressure in her chest.

Sadness filled her head in an icy liquid smoke, burning at the back of her eyes, making them sting with an uncomfortable pressure. It clouded her mind and made it hard to focus on anything at all. And she had held back the tears, not wanting her teammates to see them, not wanting their sympathy. Each hand that grasped her shoulder in condolence just made the fog thicker. She wasn't even aware anymore that she was alone until she wasn't.

Strong, familiar hands dipped in the space at her sides between her torso and her arms before nimble fingers gripped at her shoulders and the press of the front of a chest molded itself into Lexa's back. It was the only warmth in the room and the sweat that had evaporated from her skin seemed to still somehow exist enough to make every change in wind feel like the first day of winter.

"I missed the shot." Those four words felt heavy on her tongue and didn't release any of the pressure in her chest as she pushed the palms of her hands against her eyes. She would have slouched further forward had Clarke not been holding her in place.

"Harper made a great save, Lex. There is a reason that she is the best in the league." The words didn't sooth her feelings but she could feel her body begin to loosen as soft lips pressed firmly into her shoulder, trying to coax her forward.

"I let down the fans and my team."

She could feel the sigh of breath against her neck more than she could hear it. "Your team lost today. This isn't the first time it has happened and it won't be the last. We will sit here for as long as you need to but don't for a second believe that you let anyone down."

The reassurance washed over her like a blanket and as Lexa let out a long breath she could feel the sticky liquid in her chest beginning to thin. "It was the championship game." It was all she could manage to say, so low that she wasn't even sure Clarke could hear it.

"Your team finished three places higher than they did last year. And before that they were last place in the league. The fans had hope that they didn't have last year. Hell, it's been almost a decade since this team made playoffs."

Lexa felt torn between wanting to pull away from her fiancée to bask in her own self pity and grateful for the fact that she was here saying the things that she needed to hear in the way that she needed to hear them. She hated being coddled and Clarke knew it. And yet Clarke still held her close and spoke to her in a voice that was both stern and comforting. Just over four years together and Clarke knew her idiocies even better than her family that had known her all her life.

"It hurt more losing this game than it did not making playoffs last year." By the time she had spoken the words they had been sitting in silence long enough for the anger to fall away completely and for the sadness to become a dull ache in her heart. She found herself leaning back so that she could rest her temple against Clarke's forehead, allowing herself to accept the comforting kiss against her cheek.

"I know, baby, I know."

They sat there for another half an hour before Lexa stood up, beyond exhausted as her soon-to-be wife slowly discarded each piece of clothing before dressing her in something loose and warm. The nights were already beginning to cool and nip at any inch of skin that subjected themselves to the openness of the air outside. Then Lexa allowed Clarke to lead her back outside, too lost in thought to notice that they didn't turn in the tunnels to get to their car but rather back onto the pitch.

It was the cheering that caught her attention, drawing her away from her pitiful thoughts and opening her eyes to a small sea of fans in red and blue kits as they stood to applaud what had become their favorite striker in the league. "They wanted to wait for you," Clarke explained as she shouldered into Lexa, pushing her towards the crowd.

Her feet seemed to carry themselves forward as she jumped into the stands and allowed fans to grip at her shoulders, some even brazen enough to pull her into a hug. And all of the sadness and anger in her seemed to give way to this sharp feeling in her chest that made her want to cry even more than the disappointment. It was like a sea of love was washing over her and she wasn't sure how to not drown in it. She wasn't sure that she wanted to be rescued.

"I want to be like you when I grow up." Lexa looked down to see a smiling ten year old girl in a number ten Spirit jersey with the name "Woods" written on the back and a very colorful rainbow band on each of her wrists.

Lexa found herself kneeling into the girl's eyesight, ignoring the coos from the crowd. "Do you play soccer?"

The little girl nodded excitedly. "I'm a forward, just like you!"

The smile on Lexa's face threatened to split her face apart. "What's your name?"

"Emori," the little girl blushed, her eyes darting away as if she couldn't believe that she was talking to her childhood hero. And in that moment Lexa was reminded about what made this game so important to her.

"Hey, Clarke? Can you hand me my jersey and a pen?"

The blonde was smiling from ear to ear as she reached into the bag and pulled out both before handing it to her fiancée who was began furiously writing a message on her jersey and signing her name below as she handed the garment to the girl, Emori, whose eyes were wide and her jaw open as wide as it could go.

"Practice hard everyday and be sure to pay attention in school. You need to get good grades if you want to get into a good college. You can do anything you set your mind to. One day it will be me in the crowd, watching you play, hoping for your autograph." Small hands flung themselves around her neck and Lexa found her heart thrumming as the girl's parents joined them for a photo, thanking Lexa with tears in their eyes.

It took nearly two hours but Lexa talked and thanked everyone who stayed behind, Clarke smiling proudly by her side. When the last person had long gone, Lexa sat in the stands beside the blonde as they watched the field crew on the pitch below. "Next year it's going to be you with me out on that pitch and not even Harper will be able to keep us away from claiming our victory."

Clarke just laughed as she leaned her head on Lexa's shoulder and the brunette draped an arm around the love of her life. Harper wasn't able to keep them from winning the next year as they hoisted the trophy in celebration. And neither was the Thorns' keeper the year after that. Five more stars would be added to their jerseys over he next thirteen years and Lexa was captain of their team for half of them.

 

* * *

 

**April 3, 2021**

The morning felt surreal. It almost seemed to float by Clarke in a daze as she watched the wedding planner command florists and decorators and caterers around Lexa's house in the woods. As she watched Raven, Octavia, Magnolia and her mother running around the house as if there weren't nearly enough hours in the day despite the fact that the wedding planner kept telling them to relax, that she had everything under control. And yet Abby couldn't seem to sit still which made Magnolia fret which then made Raven and Octavia anxious.

But Clarke floated through the morning feeling both happy and strange. Happy that today was the day that she was going to marry the girl that she had fallen in love with over four years ago. And strange that she had woken up without said girl in her bed, especially after Abby had caught Lexa trying to sneak into their bedroom in the middle of the night and sent her away with a very stern look telling her future daughter-in-law to respect tradition. She then told Clarke the exact same thing when the blonde tried to sneak out of their room to find the brunette half an hour later.

But the truth of the matter was that the fact that it was her wedding day didn't quite hit her until she stood in front of a full length mirror as her mother stood behind her with tears in her eyes and her bridesmaids cooed about how beautiful she looked.

Her hair was pinned up around the crown of her head, in traditional Trikru wedding braids that danced intricately around her head and allowed several strands of golden curls to frame her face. Indra had come in to do the braids for her and it was the first time that Clarke had seen the woman shed a tear as a large smile adorned her face. "There is no one I would rather have marry my best friend, Clarke." The words were spoken as she helped the blonde stand to look at herself in the mirror and that's when it hit her.

She was standing there in an elegant white dress that reached the floor in silk and lace that hung low enough to show the peaks of her collarbones and just a hint of cleavage but was still able to be considered moderate. The train in the back of the dress was long and the sleeves on the dress full, though a tight lacy material that was practically see through. And as Raven stood there and placed the crowned veil into her hair Clarke found herself smiling brightly.

She didn't know why it was that so many brides found themselves nervous the day of their wedding. Perhaps she should have with one hundred or so friends, family, teammates and colleagues waiting for them outside, taking up the entire space of the yard behind the glass walls of the house. Perhaps she should have been nervous of the fact that they had written their own vows and she could very possibly cry in the middle of her own. But she wasn't nervous.

There wasn't a doubt in her mind that the moment she stepped foot outside that at the other end of the isle she would find the love of her life standing there waiting for her. She had no doubt in her mind that less than an hour later she would be calling her fiancée her wife. She had no doubt in her mind that she was absolutely ready to become Mrs. Clarke Griffin Woods. And she had no doubt in her mind that even if it began to rain and the decorations washed away and if the food was somehow horrible and if a drunk uncle fell into the wedding cake that it would still be the best day of her life. And she had no idea how to not be excited for it.

"This is your last chance to run away without everyone watching," Raven said with a smirk. "As your maid of honor it is my duty to make sure that this is still what you want."

Octavia snorted and Clarke just laughed. "I've never wanted anything more in my life."

Magnolia was the first one out the door and on her way down the isle followed five seconds later by Octavia and then five seconds later by Raven. It was then that Clarke found herself wrapped up in her mother's arms.

"I am so proud of you, Clarke. And you father would have been proud of you too. He would have loved today and he would have loved Lexa." The mention of her dad made Clarke tear up slightly as she stood there imagining him in a tux with bright eyes and wrinkles around his eyes as he smiled largely. And while she was sad that he wasn't there to see it, she also had this feeling that washed over her that told her that he was. And a piece of him sat in the boy's pocket who was standing right beside her bride to be.

"Thank you for walking me down the isle, Mom."

"Well someone has to make sure that you don't trip!" But Clarke knew that her mother meant so many other things with that sentence. She didn't have to say them out loud for Clarke to understand. Abby loved her the way her father loved her, more than anything they had ever loved. She was the best parts of them and now it was Abby's job to allow someone else to lay claim to their most precious gift.

"You're not losing a daughter, today. You're gaining one." At that Abby smiled.

"And I'm gaining your soon to be nephew who treats me like I'm his grandmother." They laughed for a moment until the music outside stopped and then the band changed gears and the bridal procession song began to play.

There was a sea of people standing as she entered the isle. All eyes were on her including the bridal party. On the left stood Magnolia on the outside, then Octavia and then Raven in their green dresses. Then on the right side of the isle stood Harper on the outside followed by Anya, Indra and then Aden, all four of them in light grey suits with vests and green ties. They all opted out of jackets and had the white sleeved of their shirts rolled up their forearms. But Clarke saw none of it as the only thing she could focus on was the bride on the other end of the isle.

Lexa stood there in her grey suit, eyeing her black shoes and Clarke could see her taking in a deep inhale of breath before looking up. The moment green eyes caught hers Clarke could feel the air leave her lungs. Lexa smiled widely and her eyes sparkled. Everything about her almost seemed to glow as they caught each others' gazes across the white silk carpet at their feet. And the look on Lexa's face was awe filled and beyond any earthly realm of happy. She looked at Clarke as if she were the most beautiful thing on earth. The brunette stood there with her hair in different ceremonial braids that hung at her shoulders and at the crown of her head as if she were the luckiest girl in the world. And Clarke knew that the same look could have been found on her face.

The walk down the isle felt as if it had taken hours as opposed to the thirty seconds that it did. She even felt the pressure of her mother's hand on her arm that seemed to keep her from running down the isle at the sprint that she so desperately wanted to. "You are absolutely gorgeous," Lexa seemed to breathe out as she took Clarke's hands in her own and Abby moved to stand between Raven and Octavia.

"And you are absolutely stunning," Clarke said with a shy smile.

"Debonair?" Lexa questioned with a smug smirk.

"Definitely cute," Clarke ribbed knowing how the brunette always scoffed at that claim but Lexa couldn't seem to bring herself to remove the smile from her lips for even a moment in order to throw a mock glare.

A clearing of a throat made both girls turn towards Gustus who stood there in a black suit with a black book in his hands as he smiled at the two of them. "How about I go ahead and marry the two of you and then we can all chat later?" A small blush filled both of their cheeks as they were reminded that all eyes were in fact watching them.

The ceremony was very traditional, verses were shared and Gustus' opening statement about love and marriage was a testament to the love and success of his own and it almost made Clarke cry. But it was Lexa's vows that made the tears fall onto her face and into her glowing smile.

"Clarke, I spent hours upon hours researching the words of famous poets and renowned philosophers who spoke of love and compared it to happiness and to flowers and to eternal bonds of nature. And while many things rang true, none of it spoke to the depths in which I love you." Clarke could feel Lexa's thumb brush against the engagement ring on her finger that used to belong to her mother. "I wish that my mother could be here today to see me. I wish she could have met you, the woman who has made me happier than I've ever been in my entire life. She used to tell me that love was the only thing in this world that made life worth living and though I had love in my life before I met you, I never believed her until you.

"You make me want to be a better person. You once told me that one of us does not deserve more than the other. It's hard to believe that I can deserve a person like you sometimes, though I know it in my heart that I am. Just as I know that you are more than deserving of me. And I think to myself that there is no way that I could ever love you more than I do right now but yet I know that tomorrow I will. And tomorrow I need to be even more deserving. And that is what I promise you, today.

"I promise that I will love you more and more with each passing day. I promise to care for you when you are sick. I promise to love the paint stains that never quite come out of your jeans. I promise to not roll my eyes every time Aden says you're a better soccer player than me."

"She is," Aden said as if they rehearsed it and everyone laughed, including Clarke who was laughing through tears.

"Not every time but probably most of the time," she clarified. "I promise to treat your needs as my needs. And I promise to be there when you need me. I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you've made me."

It was hard not to reach over and kiss the brunette and Clarke found herself gripping tightly at her fiancée's hands. And it took her a moment to gather herself as she watched Lexa smile at her, happier in this moment than she had ever seen her.

"Lexa," Clarke began with a deep breath, hoping that her voice didn't shake. So maybe this is why brides were nervous at weddings. "I was a little nervous about writing my own vows especially because you are the one who, while pretending to be rugged and stoic, somehow always comes up with the most heartfelt speeches I've ever heard."

"Only when it involves you," Lexa said with a smile.

"Especially when it involves me!" The wedding party all chuckled having heard the speech Lexa gave at the bridal shower. "So I decided to try and think about what you would do and I found myself nose deep in books about quotes about love. Apparently I know you well." Lexa gave her a sheepish smile. "And apparently like you, I thought about someone who couldn't be here today.

"I used to watch the way that my father used to look at my mother as a kid and I always wondered if I would ever be able to love someone as much as my parents loved each other. And my dad would tell me that one day I would find someone who I can look into their eyes and see my future in them. I always thought that he was being quixotic. And then I met you. When I look into your eyes I see more than just the best shade of green. I see a future for myself. I see a life that I want more than anything. I see you and I see me and I see that fairytale ending that my father's childhood stories always promised me. And I love you even more than any of those fairytales told me was possible.

"Lexa, I promise to both love and cherish you. I promise to look after you when you are sick, even though we both know that you are by far the most stubborn patient I have ever met."

"That anyone has ever met," Anya threw in, to everyone's entertainment.

"I promise to listen to you practice your speeches and pretend to understand words like fiduciary and leaseback. I promise to perform your pre-game rituals with as much passion as I possibly can. And I promise to not always gloat every time that Aden reminds you how much better of a soccer player I am than you."

"She really is," Aden added again causing Lexa to laugh this time as tears streaked down her smiling face.

"But more so than that I promise to do everything in my power to do everything I can to make sure that the future I see in your eyes is as great in real life if not better."

It was Lexa squeezing her hands this time as she wordlessly mouthed "I love you," making Clarke's heart soar as she mouthed the three words back.

"Now," Gustus said with a glint in his eye and a wink in Clarke's direction, "Clarke has informed me that she would like to continue with Trikru tradition and exchange with Lexa her most loved possession."

At the statement Lexa's head whipped towards Gustus then back to Clarke in confusion. But Clarke just smiled. "You gave me your mother's ring already. You gave me one of the last pieces you had left of her and I would like to give you something in return." And with that she motioned to Aden who reached into his pocket to pull out the jewelry he had kept safe for her this afternoon before handing it to Clarke who slid it onto Lexa's wrist and carefully, religiously clasped it in place.

"Your father's watch?" Lexa asked. "Clarke, I couldn't possibly take this. You wear it every day."

But Clarke just shook her head. "He would have loved you, Lexa. And I trust you to keep that piece of him and me safe."

The exchanging of rings was when Clarke heard her mother begin to cry and saw Anya try to wipe the tears from her face before anyone could see. And the ring on her finger felt as if it belonged there just as much as any limb on her body. And the look in Lexa's eyes told her that she felt exactly the same.

"Let me be the first to introduce all of you to Mrs. and Mrs. Clarke and Lexa Woods!" Gustus bellowed. "You may now kiss the bride!"

There was no hesitation as both girls embraced. Clarke's arms fit perfectly around Lexa's neck just as Lexa's fit perfectly around her waist. And though they had kissed a million times before this one was different. This was the first kiss that they had shared as a married couple and it had both of their hearts beating erratically. And though it was short and chaste, it was the kiss that all other kisses would be compared to for the rest of their lives.

Nothing outside of this moment mattered. Everything about this moment was perfect.

 

* * *

 

She was happy in a way that she never knew she could feel before. She was both content and completely lost in her wife's laughter as she had a hand draped around the back of her chair watching as Clarke and Harper joked about how Raven had gotten drunk and fallen into a fountain at the bachelorette party. Raven just stood there scowling at the two of them saying that she had no idea why it was she had even proposed to someone who got such enjoyment out of her embarrassment. But even that statement dripped with a loving hum that suggested that Raven would have married Harper dripping wet in fountain water.

At the other end of the table Abby and Marcus were feeding each other pieces of cake as Abby leaned forward and kissed away a smudge of frosting from the top of her husband's lip.

Lexa looked out in the crowd to see Aden yawning tiredly against his mother as he reached down to grab at his two month old sister's hand and made soft sounds to the girl in Anya's arms. Roan couldn't stop smiling as he looked at his wife and children as if life couldn't be any more perfect.

Octavia and Lincoln had disappeared about fifteen minutes ago, looking around suspiciously before sneaking away into the guest room they were sharing with mischievous looks on their faces. The party was beginning to die down but Lexa knew that the last of the group likely wouldn't head out or to their rooms for at least another couple hours. She was sure Lincoln and Octavia would be back with the group by then, looking slightly more disheveled and yet claiming that they had been present the entire time.

Indra was slow dancing with a man with a short beard and a full head of jet black hair. Nyko was his name and Lexa smiled at the way her best friend looked into his eyes as if she were allowing herself to open up to the idea of love. And he looked at her as if he were already falling. Nyko had also spent a majority of the night avoiding eye contact with Lexa, much to the brunette's smug enjoyment. It wasn't as if she could blame the guy. He grew up Trikru and was very aware of the story of the lion slayer. He even looked honored to have met Lexa when Indra finally introduced them last week. It made it very easy to explain to him in detail how she could do to him what she did to that mountain lion if he ever hurt Indra. Apparently he had heard one of the embellished stories about how she had killed a whole pride with her bare hands. She was in no way going to correct him.

Magnolia and Gustus were holding each other and smiling at the dance floor where, beside Indra, Ryder was red eared and goofily smiling at one of Clarke's teenage cousins who he had finally mustered the courage to ask for a dance. And both of Ryder's brothers were standing behind her, making kissing motions at their brother who was trying to tell them to stop without drawing any attention to them.

There was nothing else that Lexa thought she could ever want in this life besides the very things that she had in this room. She was blessed beyond blessed and she found herself wondering just how she had gotten to be this lucky. No one deserved this amount of happiness and yet, here she was with her wife on her arm feeling all of it.

Her mother had been right. Love like this made life worth living.

 

* * *

 

Clarke was sitting on the couch, three days after they had returned from their honeymoon around Europe when she noticed her wife - she still couldn't believe that she was able to call Lexa her wife - walk into the front door with wrapping around her forearm where her date tattoo was.

"What happened?" Clarke asked, jumping up worried. But Lexa had a nervous smile on her face.

"I may have gotten another tattoo," she trailed off, looking at Clarke as if trying to gauge her for a reaction.

Clarke just sighed. It wasn't that she was upset that Lexa had done it, but she would have appreciated a head's up. She would never stop Lexa from doing what made her happy but they should be making decisions like this together.

She was sure that Lexa could see the annoyance on her face because immediately she said "I wanted it to be a surprise," before pulling off the bandage and showing the newly inked red skin to her wife.

Under the number _110510_ was the number _040321_ in the exact same font.

"Our wedding date?" Clarke asked, completely surprised.

Lexa gave her a large smile. "For ten years I wore the date of the saddest day of my life on my arm. I wanted to balance that with the happiest day of my life."

Clarke couldn't stop herself from pulling Lexa into a kiss that got heated very quickly. Not that it took much these days. For the exception of their wedding night where they both passed out from exhaustion, they hadn't gone a single night without having had sex. It seemed that just saying the word "wife" was more than enough to put either of them in the mood.

"So you are okay with it?" Lexa asked nervously.

"I absolutely love it." Then she laughed and gave her wife a playful grin, "and now you have absolutely no excuse to ever forget our anniversary."

Lexa laughed and rolled her eyes. She never did forget a single one.

 

* * *

 

**December 2026**

Lexa could remember the first time that she had seen him in a suit. They had looked at him with his sandy hair and said that he looked very much like a miniature man with his short little legs, chubby cheeks and tiny fingers that just barely poked out of the sleeves of his black jacket. But a three year old Aden was very much different from a fifteen year old Aden who stood an inch taller than Lexa with his lanky frame, the rest of his body attempting to catch up to the growth spurt that he had happened upon over the summer.

"Mom, stop fussing." And that was another thing that was different. His voice was beginning to get deeper though it would be years still until he stopped squeaking at least once every few sentences. And at the moment he was throwing Anya an exasperated look as she was straightening his pink tie for the fifth time in the last ten minutes.

"Let your mom have her fun," Lexa said with a laugh as she sat watching the pair from the doorway of the living room as she had her hands around her wife's waist, pulling her back even closer to her chest.

Clarke laughed and Lexa could picture the devilish smile on her face. "Yeah, Aden, it could be so much worse. Lexa and Anya could have offered to drive both you and your girlfriend to winter formal and they could have spent the thirty minute car ride threatening your girlfriend."

"I'm pretty sure I can drive a limo. I'm sure your driver wouldn't mind the night off."

There was a red tinge to the boy's cheeks and a slight look of horror at his mother's teasing invitation. "Okay, first off, Cindy is my best friend, she isn't my girlfriend." The way his eyes shifted and the way he moved uncomfortably told Lexa just how much he wished that wasn't the case. "Secondly, if I ever did get a girlfriend I would never introduce them to either Lexa or Mom."

Lexa snorted. "I'm not that bad," she claimed.

But Aden just glared. "Lex, Indra's husband still looks at you every now and then as if he thinks you're going to dismember him if he says something to upset you."

And Lexa couldn't help but smile. "He does not."

There was a feeling of shaking against Lexa's chest as Clarke let out a loud laugh. "Babe, Nyko is most definitely afraid of you. The guy doesn't even like Bayern but when we had them over for the game last weekend he made sure to wear red and cheer loudly for them in case you thought he may be some secret Dortmund fan."

"I'm not sure why people fear my daughter. She really is the sweetest thing." Lexa couldn't help but flash a smile in the direction of the woman on the couch while Clarke snorted at Abby. Lexa could almost feel her wife's eyes rolling into the back of her head.

"I swear you like Lexa more than me and you're my own mother."

"She's my mother too, houmon." And at that Clarke twisted in her arms with a smile.

"I know, love." There was a soft pressure of lips against her own and Lexa couldn't help but ruin the sweet kiss with a growing smile.

"Aren't you guys supposed to get less gross after being married for five years?" Aden asked. He was spending too much time hanging out with Raven who had recently moved back to TonDC and had taken it upon herself to help tutor him in math because apparently someone had to take after her and go into engineering.

"Don't be jealous because you wish Cindy would kiss you like Clarke kisses me."

"I do not!" The red tinge on his cheeks suggested otherwise.

"Do you like Cindy more than me?"

Aden's eyes shot down to the six year old that had stopped playing with Roan to hug her older brother's leg and look at him with doe eyes. She was the spitting image of Lexa's mother and as such looked more like Lexa than she did Anya.

"No way, Vivy." His nickname for Vivian, his grandmother's middle name. Then he leaned down and gave his sister a large bear hug. The way he looked after his younger sister was precious. Clarke liked to tell Lexa that he treated her the same way Lexa always treated Aden. "You will always be my favorite girl." Then he was planting kisses all over her face and she squealed, trying to get away from him. It was one of the things he did that made Cindy fall in love with him, Lexa was sure.

The adults sat on the couch after Aden left and Roan went to put Vivian to bed. Anya was sitting there watching the door as if she couldn't believe how grown up her son was. Abby was sitting beside her with an understanding hand on her shoulder while Clarke sat with her head against Lexa's.

"He's going to be fine," Lexa assured her sister. "He's a smart kid. He knows to call me if he finds himself in a sticky situation with his friends."

But Anya just sighed. "Lex, no offense, but you won't understand until you have a kid of your own."

At that Clarke hummed. "I can't believe that I'm really going to retire after World Cup next year." It seemed like a weird segue, but the truth was that it wasn't and Lexa couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"Retiring?" Abby asked confused. "Clarke, you're only turning thirty next month!"

But Clarke just shrugged. "Well, all the hormone therapy will probably make playing a little difficult. So we are going to try for one more cup win and then I'm hanging up my cleats."

The room got silent as the other two women attempted to decipher what it was that Clarke was going on about. And then something seemed to click in the doctor's mind who was on her feet. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"That hopefully within the next two years that you're going to be a grandma?" Lexa answered for Clarke with her own question, unable to keep the smile from her face as she tightened her grip on Clarke's shoulder.

They had been talking about it over the last two months and both decided that they wanted to start their own family. They had talked about adoption, and the idea was still fully on the table but Clarke wanted to try and have a baby and Lexa would be damned if she wasn't going to give her everything she wanted. And the truth was that she wanted it as well. In fact, she already had the best artificial insemination doctor on speed dial. Okay, to say she as excited was the understatement of the century.

The couple was surrounded and pulled into hugs from both Anya and Abby who were both smiling, though Lexa could see tears beginning to build in Abby's eyes. It seemed that they weren't the only ones that were excited.

 

* * *

 

**August 2028**

Clarke couldn't decide what was worse. No, that was a complete lie, she knew what felt worse. The hormone therapy made her highly emotional. They made her boobs feel overly sensitive to the point where Lexa now took gentle care whenever touching them, not that her wife complained, she never did, instead Lexa just would smile and speak to them more softly to try and make Clarke laugh. And she felt more pudgy than she would have liked.

But those? Those were all better than the fact that for fourteen months she found herself peeing on a stick just to find out that the insemination didn't take. The first few months were disappointing but after a year had passed Clarke felt like she was failing. She knew that it took many couples years to get pregnant. Her mother shared with her that it took her and Jake over five years before Clarke was finally conceived. But she didn't know if she could take five more years of this.

And every month Lexa held her and told her not to stress out, that she loved her no matter what happened that each month that went by was just another month that she loved her even more than the last. That she would be there every step of the way. At least it was comforting.

With a small sigh, Clarke grabbed the unopened box of pregnancy tests and took them into the bathroom with her. She didn't want to tell Lexa, not yet. They were due to board a plane to Germany in six hours. Lexa needed to focus and Clarke could be strong for the next three weeks.

 

* * *

 

The defending World Cup champions were only seconds away from taking the gold at the Olympics in Berlin and Canada was the only thing between them and victory. Canada had taken the early lead in the first half but Lexa had scored the equalizer just before halftime and the midfielder that had taken over Clarke's position had put them up by one just three minutes prior.

And Lexa now stood in the opposing team's corner as she tried to shield the ball from the two girls in all red in an attempt to keep the ball in bounds to waste as much time as possible. There was pushing at her back and she could feel an elbow being wedged into her side but she would be damned if she moved an inch in either direction.

When the whistle blew Lexa felt a surge of excitement course through her body as she abandoned the ball and immediately ran into the center of the field to join in the dog pile of hugging players on her team. Players pulled her into hugs and they patted each other on the back, but the celebration wasn't enough. Something was missing and Lexa knew what.

She didn't think twice before sprinting towards the sidelines at midfield and launching herself onto the wall where she hoisted herself up and found herself surrounded by fans cheering and patting her on the back. But she couldn't see them, couldn't hear them. Instead she allowed the blonde with blue eyes to pull her into a hug before Lexa pulled away just to pull her wife into a passionate kiss.

The thrill of victory surged through her veins in the moment their lips met as if winning the game hadn't been an actual reality until she could share it with Clarke. She was half aware of the cameras panning over the two of them as they kissed live on national TV around the world with Abby and Kane both in the frame behind them smiling. She knew this hours later when she left the field to see it replayed as "the kiss seen around the world" by television stations, papers and magazines.

But as amazing as she felt it paled in comparison to just a moment later when Clarke pulled away with the biggest smile Lexa had ever seen on her face before she blurted out without any prompting, "I'm pregnant!"

The world froze in that moment and time seemed to stand still as those two words washed over her, shifting her world with more force than the tectonic plates that destroyed cities. And she stood there unmoving for what felt like ages but was in reality about five seconds before she hugged Clarke close and lifted her in the air in celebration.

"We're going to be moms?" Lexa said as she placed a hand on her wife's stomach, completely floored.

"We are going to be moms!" Clarke replied.

Now normally people waited several months before they revealed to friend and family that they were expecting. However, the "kiss seen around the world" was accompanied by the image of Lexa's hand on her wife's stomach and a blonde seen mouthing the word "moms" on live TV. It may have been the world's most public pregnancy announcement ever made. At least it made for great television.

 

* * *

 

**April 2029**

"I swear at times I feel like I just need some space to breathe." She was just less than a month away from her delivery date so normally one would expect that Clarke was talking about the pressure of the baby boy pressing against her internal organs. But on this occasion that wasn't the case.

Clarke, Octavia, Raven, Harper, Indra and Monroe were all sitting around a round table with dark blue table cloths and confetti balloons all around the table while they celebrated Octavia's son's fifth birthday party. Lincoln could be seen on the other side of the yard holding their three year old daughter as she cried, demanding cake that had yet to be served.

"Oh please," Raven said with an eye roll. "The Commander is officially the most whipped thing I have ever seen. You should be embracing this, Clarke."

"You don't understand, Ray!" Clarke cried with a huff, her hormones getting the best of her. "I swear it's like I can't even hold a bag of groceries without Lexa grabbing them from my hands and telling me to be careful and let her worry about it so that I can take care of the baby. I'm more than just a baby receptacle!"

At that Octavia just snickered. "I used to feel the same way you did, Clarke. But I find myself missing it. We may just have another so that I can have my overly doting husband back."

Clarke groaned. "You can't honestly be serious, O."

But Octavia just lifted a defiant eyebrow before calling out to her husband as if to prove a point. "Hey Linc, do you think you could grab me a water?"

The man standing with the three year old looked exasperatedly at his wife. "Sweetie, I'm a little busy right now. There are waters in the fridge."

Then Octavia shot Clarke a look before turning to look at the brunette on the other side of the yard who was laughing and seemed to really be enjoying playing laser tag with all of the kids. "Hey Lex!" Lexa turned immediately at her name. "Your wife says she's thirsty and really wants a water."

The response was immediate, humorously so. Lexa stood up straight, removed her vest and placed it on the table along with her gun as one of the dads on her team groaned while Lexa disappeared inside in search of water. When she returned she bee-lined straight to their table with six waters in hands.

"I wasn't sure how thirsty you were, so I figured I would bring you as many as I could carry." There was a look of both care and concern on Clarke's wife's face. "Are you feeling okay? Is it too hot? Do we need to go inside? Or do I need to take you home?" Then as if it were instinctual her hand went to rest on Clarke's stomach and the boy in there, as if he could feel the presence of his other mother, immediately kicked into the space occupied by her hand which made the two of them smile brightly.

"I'm fine, Lex, really. I'm not even that thirsty."

Lexa looked worried again. "You stopped being thirsty that quickly? Is something wrong?" Clarke groaned.

"Actually," Raven said with a mischievous smile. "Clarke said she was really craving those little hot dogs that we saw floating around. Do you think you could make her maybe, say, a half dozen?"

Clarke glared at her friend as her wife leaned down to kiss her temple. "You got it. Let me go cook you some up. I think I saw a package in the fridge." And then she was off and Indra snorted.

"From a warrior who takes down a wild beast to a doting puppy dog in the course of a few years. You sure did a number on my friend there, Clarke."

And at that Clarke did actually smile. So maybe it was a little overbearing but it did seem that there was nothing in this world that Lexa wouldn't do for her. "Hey babe," she called out as Lexa approached the grill, turning back. "Could you maybe make it a full dozen?" She was kind of hungry.

 

* * *

 

**May 19, 2029**

Jake Alexander Woods greeted the world at five in the morning and Clarke complained that he was already just like Lexa, waking her up at much too early in the morning. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Lexa held the boy in her arms counting each one over and over again and she couldn't help but smile.

There was a fire burning inside of her, a love enveloping every inch of her body and consuming her. It made it hard to breathe. And it made it hard to think. All she knew, all she could compute was this overwhelming instinct, this desire, to dedicate her life to protecting her wife and her newborn son and giving them everything in the world that she possibly could.

Clarke looked absolutely exhausted and she complained once that she probably looked like a mess but in that moment, with blotchy skin, disheveled hair and bags under her eyes, Lexa felt as if she was the most beautiful woman that she had ever seen. And when she had told her as much Clarke just rolled her eyes and called her a sap. She smiled brightly a moment later when for the first time Lexa just nodded and agreed with her wife that she most certainly was.

"I told you almost twelve years ago during our Fourth of July weekend that I didn't think I could ever love anymore than I did in that moment, that I thought my heart was completely full," Lexa told her wife without taking her eyes off of the sleeping boy bundled up in her arms. Lexa's voice was soft and it cracked with emotion when she spoke. "I never knew that I could be so wrong." Then she turned to see her wife smiling at her. "I love him so much, Clarke and I've only known him less than an hour."

But Clarke shook her head. "Babe, you've known him since August. He used to kick and move just at the sound of your voice when he became strong enough to move."

And Lexa just smiled before shimmying herself into Clarke's bed so that she could hold both her wife and her son. "You did amazing today, houmon. You made him."

"We made him," Clarke said with a smile and a yawn as she leaned closer into Lexa's side and reached out to hold onto Jake's small hand.

"I don't think I could possibly love any more than I do right now. My heart really is full this time." And Lexa smiled when Clarke laughed.

"Why do I feel like this isn't the last time that statement will be wrong?" Clarke was right of course. That's one thing Lexa learned in married life. It was just best to just accept that Clarke was always right.

 

* * *

 

"I thought we talked about you talking to me before you made the decision to get a new tattoo," Clarke said with a sigh as Lexa looked at her sheepishly but without the slightest bit of regret. "Let me see it."

Below the date that signified their wedding were six more numbers.

 _051929_.

And Clarke couldn't really be upset to see their son's birthday permanently placed on her wife's forearm.

 

* * *

 

The crying lasted through the night as Lexa bounced Jake in her arms and walked around the other side of the house that they had purchased just after Clarke had gotten pregnant. A house with a large yard and a white picket fence. And she had no doubt that eventually there would be a dog, maybe several.

The couple had awoken to Jake's crying and Clarke had given Lexa this pleading look that she couldn't say no to. And that was how she had found herself pacing for the last hour, dead tired and feeling slightly delusional due to lack of sleep. And yet she couldn't be happier.

 

* * *

 

**December 28, 2033**

Iliana Abigail Woods came in the late afternoon, though she came out half a pound heavier than Jake had which Clarke swore made all of the painful difference. The pain was the worst thing she had ever felt and she couldn't remember why it was she had asked Lexa to help her do this again. Or at least she couldn't remember until Lexa smiled brightly at her and placed their child in her arms.

Blue eyes peaked up at her through the pink blankets and Clarke was completely in love. Yeah, this was why they decided that they wanted to have one more.

"She's absolutely beautiful," Lexa whispered before Clarke felt the press of lips against her forehead. And Clarke couldn't argue with her wife. The girl named after both of her grandmothers was absolutely stunning. With blue eyes and brown hair Clarke found herself wondering if she was going to be the contrast of their son who seemed to have Clarke's golden blonde hair and green eyes. "Clarke?"

Clarke was pulled away from her thoughts as she looked to her wife who was smiling brightly at the two of them. "Yeah?"

"You were right."

"Right about what?"

And Lexa smiled brighter. "About how I was going to be wrong again. I was able to fill more love into my life. And now my heart is full."

Clarke couldn't help but laugh. "Somehow I think that we are going to have this same conversation again at some point in our lifetimes."

"I really hope so."

 

* * *

 

**January 2034**

It was in the new year that Iliana's birthday was inked into Lexa's skin, right below her brother's. Clarke shook her head but she knew it was coming even when Lexa hadn't uttered a word and instead showed up with a new set of bandages on her arm.

 _122833_.

 

* * *

**March 2035**

Clarke sat in a fold up chair with Iliana napping in her arms as she watched Jake running around a mob of children who were all surrounding a ball in the middle of a grass field. But it was the sight of Lexa pacing up and down the field that made Clarke laugh.

"You got it, Jake! Get to the ball!"

"Lexa, he's five years old. Just sit down and let our son have fun."

Clarke watched, amused as Lexa begrudgingly took a seat beside her with a small huff looking as if she were itching to yell out more instruction to their son who was now standing next to the goal keeper while the two of them make funny faces at one another.

"But houmon, he isn't even trying!" Lexa whined.

"Again, babe, he's only five."

And Clarke had to smile when at the end of the game Jake came running up to them asking how he did and her wife without the slightest hesitation lifted the boy up into her arms and told him that he did fantastic before kissing him on the head and telling him that she loved him. Clarke could feel her heart melting.

That's not to say that her wife didn't immediately start practicing with him as soon as they got home. But as Clarke watched her let him score a goal on her before the brunette fell on her knees and exaggeratedly cried up to the sky she was reminded of all those years ago when she had first seen Lexa and Aden together. It may have been the first moment she began falling in love with her. She had continued falling every day since.

 

* * *

 

**August 2035**

She could feel the constricting of her chest as she tried desperately to inhale oxygen to her lungs. There was a light sheen of sweat across her skin and she swore her heart was beating at an alarmingly fast rate. And yet Lexa could not keep the smile off of her face.

"Your mom taking the kids for the night was by far the best gift she could have gotten me," the brunette said as Clarke laughed in between catching her own breath before leaning over to languidly kiss the birthday girl who was more than pleased with the feeling of bare breasts pushing into her ribs.

"It is pretty nice to not have to keep quiet," Clarke agreed.

"And to get to take our time," Lexa added.

Her kids were amazing. She loved them more than anything and she wouldn't trade them for the world. But to get to make love all night to her wife was something sacred, something she craved. She would forever be addicted to the touch, the feel, the taste of the blonde beside her.

Lexa found herself dazing in and out of consciousness as soft fingers played at her stomach which still had abs, though maybe not as pronounced as they had been when she was still playing the sport she loved professionally. After Iliana came along, being away from her family for long periods of time had proved to be too difficult.

"Hey babe?" The soft voice beside her tugged Lexa away from the edge of sleep.

"Hmm?" was still all she could muster in reply.

"What do you think about having just one more kid?"

At that Lexa opened her eyes to look at her wife whose blue eyes were searching hers timidly. "Clarke, when you were in labor with Illy you told me that if I put another baby in you that you would never let me touch your boobs again." It had been more than enough of a threat to put the thought of having another kid into one of the unreachable corners of her mind. There was plenty she would be willing to give up in life and Clarke's boobs weren't one of them.

But Clarke laughed and Lexa felt Clarke grab her right hand and place it on her chest which seemed to completely pull Lexa out of sleep as she began to knead the flesh and rub lovingly against her nipple. "Just one more?" Clarke asked in a husky voice.

"And you won't try and separate me from the girls if I say 'yes'?"

"I'll let you do more than touch them right now if you promise you'll think about it."

It was no surprise to either of them that Lexa agreed to those terms without the slightest hesitation.

 

* * *

 

**July 4th, 2036**

"I'm going to need to start adding rooms to this beach house if this family gets any larger," Anya said with a grin as she sat on the porch swing with Clarke to see the large group that gathered every year on the fourth for a tradition that existed long before they were all friends.

Lincoln and Octavia were both trying to wrangle up their three children who kept trying to run back into the water even though they had told them all to get inside to have dinner before it got dark. Really it was all Vivian's fault who didn't want to come inside, who had Octavia's oldest son wrapped around her thirteen year old finger. And it was clear from years ago that Josh who was only a year younger would follow her to the ends of the earth. And wherever Josh went, his two younger brothers followed.

Abby, Marcus, Gustus and Magnolia were sitting on the beach talking to Nyko and a very pregnant Indra who looked as if she were only days from labor. They were expecting their first child and Clarke and Lexa had been one of the first people that they had told. It would have been sweet if Lexa hadn't pulled Nyko aside and told him that if he didn't take care of all of Indra's pregnant needs and cravings that she would make him regret it. Indra in turn had glared at her best friend. "But, Indra, that's my god daughter in there!" Clarke feared the day that either one of their kids brought home a date.

Harper and Raven's seven year old adopted daughter Tristan was hanging out with Jake, building sandcastles with Raven who kept trying to tell them the method behind building a structurally sounds castle while Harper made snoozing motions behind her wife's back. It had taken Tristan over three months before she would talk to either one of them when they adopted her two years ago but now she was just another member of the family. And her, Jake and Octavia's youngest son, Cole, were all inseparable.

Aden was sitting on the beach with his arm around Cindy, each with a beer in their hands. They had officially started dating their sophomore year in college and Jake could not escape the "I told you so's" from his aunt who collected fifty dollars from Roan who had sworn that the two of them would be in their late twenties before either of them figured out that they were in love with each other. Lexa then had to give that fifty dollars to Raven who bet that Cindy was going to be the one to make the move.

And Lexa was walking along the beach with Iliana as they collected sea shells together, both of their brunette hair held up in intricate braids. It was almost weird that their daughter looked so much like her wife, though they did spend a good amount of time picking out a donor that had similar features to Lexa. And Jake? He was a spitting image of Clarke for the exception of his green eyes.

"I honestly can't believe that you and Lexa are having twins."

Clarke laughed. "Yeah, that wasn't really what we had planned." It had been a shock to both of them when they went in for their first ultrasound and heard two different heart beats on the monitor. It was far too soon to tell the sex of the little Lima beans growing in her stomach but either way it meant a very full household.

"My sister never did do things half assed," Anya said with a grin.

When the sun had left the sky and the fireworks were about to begin, Clarke found herself sitting next to her wife. Their son was sitting in Lexa's lap and Iliana was sitting in hers. And almost as if she had willed it all those years ago, Lexa's arm was around hers and their left hands gripped each others' in the sand, the coolness of their wedding rings pushing into their skin in a familiar comfort.

And as the first flash of light reached the sky her children's eyes widened in amazement and a second or so later the sound had reached them. Light traveled faster than sound. She was sure there was a metaphor in this moment involving falling and love and realizing you were hopelessly lost in it, but she was too lost in the beauty of everything she had to think much about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there it is. I really hope that I get to hear from all of you in the comment section for this one. Or that you reach out to me on Tumblr. My user name is the same as it is here: [JLaw1105](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jlaw1105).
> 
> So I made this a series. If you guys want me to write any one shots about our favorites in this story please let me know and I will add them to this series. You can even subscribe to it if you want updates on when I post to it. If I don't get any requests then I will likely at least post a one shot to this series with the entire family of six spending the morning together just to wrap it all up. 
> 
> You guys really have been the best readers and it's been an honor to write for all of you. 
> 
> Love,  
> Jen


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